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10/20/2013 7:40:10 AM

[Two Pronged] The other woman

by Dr Margarita Holmes and Jeremy Baer
Posted on 10/20/2013 12:22 AM | Updated 10/20/2013 10:11 AM










Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: "Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality" and "Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons."

Dear Miss Margie and Mr Baer,

As I watched your video #AskMargie on Overly Possessiveness Partners, I realized that maybe you were right when you said that some people let it happen because that person fills a need in them.

I am 28 years old, attractive and successful for my age. I graduated from one of the top schools in the country. I own several self-liquidating properties and a car. I am single. I used to be very religious and I am known to have a nice personality and good character. People look at me, and they think I am such a catch. They didn't know that I have reserved myself for somebody, someone who I love so much.

Two years ago, I broke off my engagement with my boyfriend of 5 years. I felt unsure about getting married to him. I never felt that he loved me a lot. I felt that one of the main factors he wanted to marry me is because he feels proud of me and my accomplishments.

Something was lacking. I was yearning for the type of boyfriend who would call me often, arrange special dates with me, want to hear my voice most of the time, make me feel valued and special. Gusto ko Miss Margie yung nararamdaman ko na mahal na mahal talaga ako. Hindi yung binobola ako, pero yung nakikita ko sa gawa. Mabola kasi yung ex ko but hindi ko maramdaman yung sacrifices and yung true love. (What I wanted was someone who yearned for me and whose love I could feel was stalwart and true. Not merely a silver-tongued suitor like my ex, but someone whose love I could feel)

At the same time, I was also keeping my attraction to my married boss a secret. Six months before the wedding, I decided to approach him and tell him about my feelings and I am surprised he also felt the same way. I felt more confused so I talked to my ex and we broke up and canceled the wedding.

I felt that it was the love I was looking for. For once, I felt sure of my feelings towards somebody. For me, he's my soulmate and I felt very lucky to have him, to have that communication and connection with him. The sex is also good. We were very compatible. I realized a lot of things about myself, about other people because of the relationship. I became empowered, non-judgmental, and more loving. I grew so much, learned so much, and I became mature in my way of thinking.

Having each other is advantageous for the both of us. The relationship has corrected a lot of things in my past and I felt like staying at home even if most of the time I am alone. I am secure; I am loved.

Sometimes I wonder where this relationship will take me. I ask myself why I love him despite his being married. I can always leave him and welcome other suitors, date other men. But I just feel so loyal to him. Some of my friends are very frustrated; but some understand. My family also knows about us.

Maybe I like his possessiveness? Maybe I feel that he loves me more because of that? What is this, Dr Holmes, Mr. Baer? Maybe his possessiveness fills a need in me and that's why I can't see myself being with other men?

I don't want to be the other woman forever. I hope that later our love will prevail. We are going strong, almost 3 years na. What am i going to do? Leave him? Stay and fight for him? Or is this love just an illusion of a need that made me so attached to him? Please enlighten me Miss Margie. I've always had a good head on my shoulders but I can't seem to escape my current situation. It is like I have voluntarily let myself be an invisible second wife out of my love for him.

Miss Right Love, Wrong Time


Dear Miss Right Love Wrong Time,

Thank you for your letter.

I have to confess that when I first read your story I felt quite irritated by it. Here is a woman who has not only looks, education, and financial security but also a very clear idea of what she expects from love and from a relationship. Faced with an unsatisfactory prospective marriage, what does she do? She gives her fiancé the push only to get involved with a married man. And this is no accident of fate. She throws



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