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Wet dreams (4th palkat)


Wet Dreams (4th Palkat)

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem

Note: Title is really ‘Sweet Dreams’ as explained in 2nd Palkat.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during my trials and tribulations, the names, places and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental and un-intended, peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

Christine checked her daytimer. She giggled with nervous exasperation as she drew a question mark at the side of her #1 ‘to-do today’; submit expense report which was due yesterday. She had to finalize two Reviews yesterday but that didn’t seem to put a dent on her backlog. She’s stuck with the Vanessa story.

Literally stuck as no one in her department would want to touch the Vanessa story. Her Chief Editor gave her the submission for a ‘leisurely review’, laughing as he walked away after he dumped the binder on her desk.

Her Chief Editor knew she can’t refuse because she volunteered to review the author’s initial submission which was thrown in the ‘for disposal’ waste bin. Christine just happened to be walking near the disposal area when she noticed the Chief Sanitation Engineer was reading the discarded submission, sweat beading and rolling from his forehead. Startled, the Sanitation Engineer abruptly closed the binder and was about to toss it back in the disposal bin when Christine caught a glimpse of the name of the author. She felt her bodily hair stood as if ‘ayams’ or chicken lice were crawling on her skin. She immediately grabbed the binder from the Sanitation Engineer’s hands and Christine promptly marched into the Chief Editor’s office.

The Chief Editor’s face turned ashen as if his blood had been sucked by a thousand leeches when he learned from Christine who the author was. He felt a sudden rush of relief when Christine volunteered to review the author’s work. That was the start of her own Calvary.

Trying not to be too picky, she sent her initial comments to the author; his gross misuse or lack of use of the oxford comma, his overuse of the exclamation mark, and his overuse of the semicolon.

The author promptly sent another submission:

KarmaSutra XXX: How to Survive Your next Semi-Colonoscopy

Christine could just giggle at the author’s choice of titles. Just like the Vanessa story which was titled

KarmaSutra XXX: How to Install Your Angular Bathroom Mirrors for a Better Rear View when Striking a Pose

She requested Karm to change the title from an almost step-by-step manufacturer’s installation instructions to a more poignant title that would give his potential readers a glimpse of the contents of his ‘makabagbag-damdamin’ story. So Karm changed his Vanessa story title to:

KarmaSutra XXX: How to Cauterize Your Bleeding Heart

“Wait a minot honey Judge Aramina, you mean, Christine is an acquaintance of Mark Antony R aka Karm…probably an ex-girlfriend in real life?”

“No, honey Mironski, Christine knows Karm through Rosario…”

“You mean honey Judge, Christine is Rosario’s ex-girlfriend in real life?”

“Oh My God, you are such a confusing confused kibitzer honey Mironski, naggulo ka a katkatungtong! And stop finishing my sentences. Christine knows Rosario through Heneral F Ramas, Rosario’s Godfather. Heneral Ramas is a member of the Board of Governors where Christine works. That’s why the Chief Editor nearly fainted when Christine told him the author of the submission he threw in the wastebasket is Rosario’s husband. Also, Rosario’s father, a corporate lawyer is one of their Legal Counsel.”

“Oooooooo, I see.” Mironski giggled, “hmn, someone’s fast-tracking something by pulling some strings eh, honey Judge.” Mironski winked and he resumed his Mironing.

Christine just shook her head at Karm’s choice of the new title for his Vanessa story. Like his very first submission, she asked Karm why he titled it

KarmaSurat: How to Clean Your Condom After Each Use

Apparently, Mark Antony’s friends, especially the girls, would fondly call him ‘Karm’ adapted from ‘Mark’ and ‘Surat’ is ilocano for ‘Write’. So Christine at that time requested Karm to modify the title, it appeared ‘dirty’. She also reminded Karm not to forget his Oxford commas. Karm obliged, he also sent an ‘instructional’ video ‘for Christine’s eyes only’.


KarmaSutra XXX: How to Clean Your Condom After Each Use
By Mark Antony R, Professional Cajoler ©2016

Cleanliness is next to Godliness
-An old adage, or saying, or proverb

Chapter 1

Rosario, my wife, is a clean freak. She couldn’t stand a dusty house so she’d vacuum every Sunday while I’m watching a basketball game. She couldn’t stand my messy desk. Every night after work she’d dust and ‘arrange’ my stuff; pens in left drawer, stapler in right drawer, etc. If you can imagine a ‘bagyo’, a storm signal #3 that passes by and leaves a havoc, Rosario is the opposite. My desk is clean and tidy after she passes by with her magic wand, her duster.

My problem is, where to find the stuff that I need when I needed them, so I’d open all drawers spending more time looking for the stuff:

Rosario!!! Where is my Rosary? I need to pray ten Hail Marys!!!

OMG Kar, use your eyes and not your mouth…look in the effing Grotto!!!

And of course, I’d forget to return the items back where she had placed them.

(note, not only that Rosario is a clean freak, but she’s also very religious, and cusses and swears too much, narasaw ngiwat na)

Well, we seem to be yelling all the time especially if I am in our second floor bedroom and she is outside tending her garden of roses. Initially, Christopher our son and Katrina Joy our infant daughter would be startled but they seem to be getting used to it. Rosario wanted to buy a pair of walkie-talkies so we could communicate more quietly but I thought it would cost more money to replace the batteries. She actually laughed at me when I returned for refund the walkie-talkies that she bought, I told her yelling does not cost a single cent.

You are a typical Ilocano Kar, she’d say, no offense, but you are a tight miser, kuripot.

I know she could say that because probably Rosario did not know how hard it is to earn a living, her family is wealthy.

We have to save the environment Rosario, we are getting used to this, this throw-away consumerism. We keep buying stuff and throwing them away. Why throw something if you can wash and re-use it?

So you just keep and hoard your abubot, your stuff Kar, your 386 and 486 computers, your Windows 95 and 98, XP, and Vista, your discolored, flickering, and fading monitors, printers that don’t work anymore hoping you can fix them someday.

Well, you have a big house Rosario.

True. She inherited their 6-bedroom house in Ilocos Norte. There is a large warehouse at the far back which is equipped with security alarms and cameras. Her parents, both lawyers, had used the warehouse as their safe and storage area for their Law Office documents. I used it to store my abubots once we took over.

I had to pack all my abubots when we moved here in Naga City Camarines. We needed three eighteen wheelers to move our stuff; one trailer for my abubots, one for my Karmanet Sarisari Store contents (Sharon Cuneta’s cassette tapes, garapons, and all), and one eighteen wheeler for our household stuff.

We had to leave Ilocos because the investor who owns Karmanet Sari-Sari Store, the Emperatress …ehhh Mayora Annette evicted us from the first Karmanet Sari-Sari store which we built together, Mayora Annette and I, Karmanet is Karm and Annette, we built the Karmanet Sari-Sari Store right in Rosario’s house front yard. She bought Rosario’s house so she and her new boyfriend can have a place to stay and look after the Karmanet Sari-Sari Store.

(there was a gossip that the ‘new boyfriend’ was really me, na-a, that was fake news)

Well, we were evicted because Mayora Annette thought it was time to expand our business, when asked where to expand, out of the blue, I blurted Camarines!!!

So she built a mirror image of Rosario’s house here in Naga City, built another Karmanet Sari-Sari Store in the front yard, I re-displayed all my original Karmanet Sari-Sari Store contents once we moved here, and Rosario and Christopher would dust Sharon Cuneta’s sealed original cassette tapes every other day.

Tubig At Langis cassette Kar?

Yes Rosario, someday, someone will buy it.


Christine took another sip of her already cold double-double coffee and she unlocked her tablet to continue her Review of the Vanessa story. Suddenly, she closed her tablet and unlocked her top drawer, instinctively looked around if someone was watching, and retrieved Karm’s video which accompanied the revised first submission, KarmaSutra XXX: How to Clean Your Condom After Each Use.

Christine had watched the video several times in the privacy of her bedroom, but what tittillated her most was the document that was rubberbanded with the video. The document was puzzling, enigmatic.

A puzzle…or Codes?

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem ©2017

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