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Wet dreams (15th palkat)


Wet Dreams (15th Palkat)

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem

Note: Title is supposed to be ‘Sweet Dreams’ as explained in 2nd Palkat.

We were meant to be
-Ara Mina

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during my trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

Detective Precious H. Polito could hear Detective Charlie’s heartbeat through his neck as she pressed her head on Charlie’s right shoulder. That is some loud jugular vein, Detective Preci thought, his heart must be racing fast…racing fast for Christine…he is holding on to any faint hope that Christine is still alive.

Faint hope that until her boypren Edo could validate Christine’s real status, that faint hope would be like a pilot light. Like a water heater’s pilot light, Detective Preci mumbled to herself, you are not aware, but that tiny flame flickers on…ready to ignite the burner and become a full flame once the sensor senses that the water inside the tank has cooled down below the pre-set water temperature…probably someone washed the dishes, or did the laundry, or probably someone took a five-minute shower…or probably thirty minutes.

Thirty minutes. That’s how long Charlie and I would shower together, Detective Preci mused, or probably longer…every night…or probably we’d just bathe in our bathtub… we’d take turn in rubbing each other’s back…

Then suddenly, Detective Preci’s heart started to beat like a bass speaker; she could feel some stirring inside her. Oh, she thought, if only Charlie could feel my heart…my pounding heart through our bullet-proof vests… he’d feel that if Christine perished, I am here for him… he’d soon realize

We were meant to be

Who else would it be? Detective Preci muttered to herself, F/SI Alexandria? Na-a, she even thought Charlie was bakla because he would only hang out with me before he met Christine.

There is high probability that Christine might not have survived the blast in her floor, Detective Preci thought, because the SIRPAT, Super Infrared Poly-Achromatic Transductor, see 9th Palkat, the SIRPAT did not sirpat or sense any living creature in Christine’s room aside from the un-moving, immobile grieving wet pussycat… grieving like a loyal and faithful dog who’d grieve near his or her dead master’s coffin.

If Christine really died, Detective Preci thought, then Charlie would probably feel now what I feel for him… he’d soon notice my breathing through my thin sando, my thin shirt… he’d soon realize he was welcome all along to watch my breathing… my deep breathing, to watch my jiggly sando during those warm, sultry nights when we surveil in our little surveillance car… that he was welcome not only to watch my jiggly heaving…

O my God! What am I thinking!

Damn you Detective Preci! Detective Preci scolded herself as she tried to douse the flame that was burning inside her, suppresing once again the magma that was slowly churning and would soon explode and squirt out and ooze like a boiling lava.

Meanwhile, the grieving wet pussycat, MonaLisa couldn’t quite comprehend why her dead master would be giggling in the midst of her predicament. Human beings are really complicated, MonaLisa thought.

Christine couldn’t suppress her chuckles while reading Karm and Rosario’s misadventures in the

KarmaSutraXXX: How to Clean Your Condom after each Use

Christine was trying to find the key to her salvation, she had a strong feeling Karm coded that key in the instructions; probably the same key that would solve the

Dead ‘C’ Scroll.


KarmaSutraXXX: How to Clean Your Condom after each Use, The Instructions

“Kar!!! I need your effing Condom!!! Bring it here in the kitchen ora mismo!!!”

Well, that’s my wife Rosario once again. I have already told you she’s got some mouth, and she really stresses everything she says by adding those extra exclamation marks, as if those marks could force me to obey like an obedient dog.

Actually, she doesn’t have to force me to obey her because I am very obedient. That’s right, ‘Obedient’ is my middle name: Mark Antony O. R. And of course, I have to be obedient because I am always fearful for my life; I wouldn’t even wish it for my worst enemy to feel the fury of her eyes, her crying eyes like Gloria Diaz the Miss Universe. Or Erika Eleniak. Crying eyes that would transform into a flaming godzilla eyes that would shoot laser beams if angry.

(there were tsismis, rumor that Rosario knows kung fu and karate/wing chun and she wields a katana, a japanese sword and just like Sensei Jessica Henwick, she could snip my two heads if she catches me oogling at other women… probably they were referring to Miss Brenda and not Rosario because as a flight attendant, she had to learn how to fight like Jessica Henwick)

(of course, it is also not true that Rosario is really Miss Brenda here in real life… na-a, nothing could be further from the truth)

Enihu, if Rosario wanted it in the kitchen, in the kitchen my Condom would go. In fact, my Condom can be used anywhere; like in the basement, laundry room, bedroom, livingroom, car, garage, even in the driveway.

And, although she yells a lot, yelling her need for my Condom is like… like a Vivaldi obra maestra, a concierto in D minor… or probably G Major, like when she screams once the G spo… never mind.

Of course, my Condom is clean everytime she has a need for it because I always clean it religiously after each use.

Step 1: Make sure your Condom is unplugged

Common sense dictates that your Condom is not plugged when you clean it. Unless you have a self-cleaning Condom, like a self-cleaning oven; it cleans while being used.

Step 2: Dispose the contents in a banawang or kolokol, that man-made small river where the runoff water from the rain or from the mountain would flow

Again, common sense dictates, what a mess it would make if you open your Condom and the contents would spill in your bed, or couch, or carpet, or carseat. Or driveway.

Step 3. Use a gentle dishwashing soap to wash the shaft and the reservoir

A detergent would work but for something you love, you should treat it like your finest porcelein dinner plates.

Step 4. Rinse with clean water

What is the point of washing your Condom if you rinse it with dirty water you took from the banawang or kolokol.

Step 5. Dry your Condom completely

True. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. But you have to be smart, you don’t want your beloved wife to suddenly meet her own Creator, God, because just like in Step 1, she could be electrocuted if some parts of the Condom is still wet.

The first time Rosario used my wet vac vacuum whe she accidentally spilled coca-cola in our carpet, she was dying with laughter why I named my vacuum ‘Condom’. I thought it made sense at that time when I christened my wet vac ‘Condom’, because it does have a receptacle that collects fluid.


“Oh, I’m sorry Mona if I made you wonder why I am giggling, but I found a solution to our problem. We need Karm’s wet vac to vacuum the water so you can pickup that radio and I can communicate with Charlie… I need a way to contact Karm so he can bring his Condom here.”

MonaLisa the grieving wet pussycat just looked at Christine. She knew her master Christine would soon realize the absurdity of her proposition.

Aramina P Tandulan, DIA, DJ, Esq, LLB, BSChem ©2017

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