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Kara kruz: sins of desire (8th palkat)


Kara Kruz: Sins of Desire (8th palkat)

Kalis Marco S, M.R.B.

A fool will lose tomorrow
Reaching out for yesterday
-REV* cover, I’ll never love this way again

(*Regin E Villon… ehhh, ReginE Velasquez)

Don’t keep looking in the past Kordapioh, you won’t find me there
-Tita Doña Ana Rosalea

Part V, Da Formula 5

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during tita Judge Aramina’s trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae and identities of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little offensive.

(apparently, I have to keep it non-erotic, non-explicit, and non-wet dreamy, tita Judge Aramina can only hope)


“It was my grade one teacher Mrs. Corazon Talvo,” apong Don Huan plans to write in his still unpublished and unwritten book Unbridled but Infinitesimal Wisdom, “I was ten years old then, It was her who once said in Ilokano vernacular of course: ‘If you want, or like, or need something, you have to work for it, teggedem, you have to earn it, like if you really want that guava fruit, don’t just reach for the low-hanging guava fruit, don’t be Juan Tamad, don’t sukdal-sukdal it, you have to climb that guava tree.’ It was my first time to hear want, like, and need in one sentence.”

(come to think of it, tita Ariana also believed in that wisdom, “Kal-EL,” she said when she was modeling and posing in her new burka that she bought at a mall in Princeton where we used to gallivant, I was playing in my playpen then, we were in my walk-in closet, “Kal-EL, I’ve been wanting to participate in that Miss America pageant but I really don’t want to wear a bikini in front of millions of viewers, ette, durayditana.”)

(now tita Ariana’s dream could come true, she can now wear her burka as a Miss America contestant, bikini is now banned in the Miss America contest)

Enihu, apong Don Huan had just one problem with Mrs. Talvo’s advice; apong Don Huan was afraid of heights when he was a little boy, therefore, he was afraid of climbing trees.

“It was my childhood sweetheart Tiburcia Landesa who used to climb our guava tree in away, ‘away’ I think is smaller than a ‘barrio’, ” apong Don Huan plans to add in his book, “don’t look up while I am climbing Juancho boy! Tibz would yell. I’d reply, well, Tibz, next time, you should wear you pantalon when you plan to climb, not your skirt!”

It was Tibz who patiently held his sando and shorts while apong Don Huan cleaned himself in the river when he fell into deep shit while admiring Pops Fernandez inside their kasilyas or comfort room.

But alas, their childhood sweetheartship came to an abrupt end when Tibz and her family went abroad to live in Hawaii, they were both 5 years old then, they were eating Tibz’ curly tops chocolates:

Don Huan de Marcus: Where is Hawaii Tibz
Tibz: One thousand far away
Don Huan de Marcus: How far is that from our away
Tibz: Very very far, our horse can’t travel that far, it can’t fly like pegasus, we are going to leave it behind, I’ll come back for you Juancho boy

Apong Don Huan was lying on the back of their carabao in their rice field in Dingras when he apparently saw the airplane that carried Tibz to Hawaii. He could swear he saw Tibz waved at him through the 9th window: Okinnana, that airplane is too high…that’s scary.

A few more years of pasturing their carabao went by but Tibz never came back for him or for their horse. She also never replied to the letter he had sent her, the letter that his overly excited mother wrote because apong Don Huan did not know how to write then:

“Wuuuhuuu nakkong! This is now our chance to be delivered from this poverty!”

Apong Don Huan’s mother had hoped Tibz would sponsor him to Hawaii. Hoped until their pigs flied to left field. So, when he was ten years old and their deliverance appeared to have faded, his mother had to encourage him to go to school and work hard to break the chain of their poverty. But I can work hard in the rice fields mother, apong Don Huan apparently protested, my dream is to be the best farmer like father, I don’t need school for that. So how can you follow Tibz in Hawaii if you don’t know how to fill passport and visa applications, his mother insisted. So, apong Don Huan enrolled in grade 1; he had to follow Tibz in Hawaii.

Then fast forward, Apong Don Huan found himself studying x-rays of boobs in Berkeley California, he was a mammography technician in one of the clinics near the university where tita Doña Ana Rosalea was doing her Masters in Genetics and Molecular Biology; that’s where they bump into each other, literally bumped as apong Don Huan was busy looking at one X-ray film while walking and tita Ana bumped into him. Apong Don Huan apparently fell flat on his butt. Tita Ana fell for apong Don Huan apparently, and then they lived together.


They were supposed to be living happily ever after up until the evil internet was discovered; more accurately, when apong Don Huan learned how to google. He was like a mad cow that got loose from the corral; googling all the girls he loved before, both imaginary gelprens like Snooky and Pops, and real gelprens like tita Henrietta, almost gelpren tita Erika:

“Forget her pards, Erika is already taken.” Enrico, their Chemistry classmate at UFE, University of Far Easter advised when Enrico noticed that apong Don Huan was constantly oogling…staring at tita Erika. They were in their first year pre-med. Erika, daughter of an Ilocos governor, pretty and beautiful. Apong Don Huan eventually named her Miss Taken.

Well, Miss Taken Erika was already taken by Mark of Dingras, a possessive-obsessive overly jealous boypren that sometimes would cause their frequent break-ups.

(Hmn, just like the little Superman wannabe in my daycare class, or tita Precious and the overly possessive tito Edo, or like apong Donald and tito Kim:

Oh Kim, huwag na tayo away ha, lagi na tayo magbati

Or like apong Donald and tito Justin)

Apong Don Huan’s mommy was again super-excited when she learned tita Erika the governor daughter was in apong Don Huan’s class:

Wuuuuhuuu Jackpot! Goodbye bamboo and nipa hut, here we come Malacañang palace!

But mother, apong Don Huan tried to pour some cold water on his mother’s enthusiasm, Miss Erika is already taken by another Dingras boy, and, they don’t live in Malacañang, the president lives there. Whatever, his mother waved her hand and began to write a love letter for tita Erika which apong Don Huan was too embarrassed to give to tita Erika.

“Why don’t you just arem, court Ana Maria, she’s pretty like Phoebe Cates.” Tito Enrico Nga suggested to apong Don Huan.

Tita Ana Maria was tita Erika’s bestfriend. Apong Don Huan and tita Ana Maria actually became dance partners in their PE at the UFE-PE Annex in R. Mama Street. They would practice at tita Ana’s apartment, or sometimes at apong Don Huan’s bedspace apartment. Apong Don Huan’s mother would sometimes catch them practicing their ‘horizontal cha-cha’ on the apartment’s couch. “That’s a new and modern dance move tita,” tita Ana Maria would embarrassingly explain while fixing her dance skirt.

“Or…probably Rosario.” Tito Enrico pressed on. Apong Don Huan apparently nearly fainted upon hearing tita Rosario’s name, for their path had already crossed at the volleyball court at UFE. Tita Rosario and Tita Ana Maria were both volleyball players that’s why they have strong legs. Apong Don Huan apparently accidentally oogled at tita Rosario’s legs:

“Hoy bullakayan a pervert! Why don’t you just go and do a sel-selfie or a

Hand Solo!”

Apparently, it was the very first time apong Don Huan heard the words ‘selfie’ and ‘hand solo’ in one sentence.

That could be the reason apong Don Huan never googled tita Rosario because of the oogling incident; her picture might give him a karate kick ala tita Sensei Jessica Henwick.

(apparently, it was a shock for several of their friends and acquaintances, including tita Judge Aramina and tito Aramiro that tita Rosario finally had a boypren: tito Karm. How tito Karm was able to tame the ferocious beast? Only tita Rosario’s bespren tita Victoria knew, and she wouldn’t reveal their secret)

Apong Don Huan’s mother felt some kind of elation when she learned that Mark the Dingras boy and tita Erika finally broke up permanently. But when she saw their pigs fly once again, she knew something was wrong; Tita Erika was once again taken.

“By none other than Enrico Judas Iscariote Nga.” Apong Don Huan lamented over a beer grande that he was sharing with tita Nancy. Tita Nancy, tita Rosario, tita Victoria, tita Ana Maria, and tita Erika were known in UFE as the Spicy Girls.

Tita Erika and tito Enrico Nga apparently were the only two who moved on to the medical school. Mark the Dingras boy suspected that they were studying human anatomy together at the third floor of the medical building. Tita Ana Maria provided some comfort by being with Mark the Dingras boy, listening to his lamentations, sharing Mark’s grande. Then apparently, they did the horizontal cha-cha.

So, to make all the previous Ilocano stories short, tita Erika married tito Enrico during her 7th month pregnancy, tita Ana Maria married tito Mark and now have five children. Tita Erika broke her bestfriendship with tita Ana Maria because tita Ana Maria broke the cardinal rule of not boyprening an ex-boypren of your bestfriend.

Apong Don Huan, still reeling from the disappearance of tita Henrietta when they were the ‘item’, tita Henrietta was apparently being pursued by a married Ilocos governor at that time so tita Henrietta’s grandparents had to hide her somewhere in America, after learning that tita Erika and tito Judas Enrico had already tied the knots, Apong Don Huan decided to go abroad where he got a job as a boobs technician in Berkeley California.

(apparently, apong Don Huan never knew tita Henrietta was hiding in San Francisco California)

Then apong Don Huan and tita Ana Rosalea moved to Raleigh North Carolina where apong Don Huan worked as a floor manager, listening to tita ReginE Velasquez: A fool will lose tomorrow… while tita Doctora Diana walked on the floor that Apong Don Huan had just mopped. That’s where they apparently met for the very first time:

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Apong Don Huan plans to write in his yet to be published and written book Unbridled but Infinitesimal Wisdom.

Then while in Raleigh, apong Don Huan learned how to google: googling tita Henrietta, tita Erika, tita Ana Maria, and Tiburcia Landesa.

“Who is Tiburcia Landesa Kordapioh,” asked Tita Doña Ana while sipping her morning coffee. “My childhood friend in Dingras, how did you know her honey pie?” “I don’t know her Kordapioh, you forgot to clear your browsing history so I know you’ve been googling her incessantly. You won’t find me in your past Kordapioh.”

So tita Ana Rosalea showed apong Don Huan how to clear the browser history.

So tita Ana Rosalea never knew apong Don Huan had been googling tita Ariana Siddiqi.

“Well and good that you summarized all the Ilocano stories about tita Rosario, tita Henrietta, tita Erika, tita Ana Maria, tita Nancy, and Miss Tibz Kal-EL, and now you just memorialized apong Don Huan’s googling of your tita Ariana, probably tita Ana Rosalea wouldn’t really mind once she reads this story, but how do all these revelations help us in our predicament? Why don’t you just call your Supergirl Kal-EL!”


“No need to call your Supergirl Kal-EL,” Tia Sidni stated matter-of-factly as she turned off her smartphone app MSTD, More Stranger Things Detector. Suddenly the fireflies, probably thousands of them, began to fly away, carrying with them their fire. “It was not lightning that hit this alukon tree,” Tia Sidni’s voice was firm, “the fireflies gathered around this alukon tree to shed some light into the mysterious disappearance of Alexandria and Edo.”

I could feel tita Lara Mae wanted to giggle but the seriousness of the mystery involving her cuzin’s disappearance quelled her giggle.

“We actually need your other Tia Sidni, Kal-EL, Deacon Karl Marks’ Auntie Sidni. Only she could communicate with Alexandria and Edo… for they have crossed over.”


I could see tita Precious turned pale. I could feel the hair on tita Lara Mae’s nape stiffened. I could feel my own hair on my nape stiffened. Does that mean… tita Alexandria… OMG!

I just lost my future gelpren! She promised she’ll wait for me until I am twenty and she is forty…she said so herself in 16th palkat in tita Judge Aramina’s

Wet Dreams!

Kalis Marco San, M.R.B. ©2018

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