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Kalis Marco S, M.R.B
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Kara kruz: the mommy returns (11th palkat)


Kara Kruz: The Mommy Returns (11th palkat)

Kalis Marco S, M.R.B.

I don’t deserve
-Judge Moira Dela Torre (with hubby kuya Jason) cover, Perfect*

(*Ed Sheeran original)

Part VI, Da Formula 6

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is based on true events and confessions during tita Judge Aramina’s trials and tribulations. Names, places, and events are slightly modified and altered not to sensationalize but to hide the true personae of the characters and any similarities to your real life experiences are purely accidental, co-incidental, and unintended. Peks man, cross my heart and hope to die. Discretion is strongly advised as some readers might find the contents just a little suggestive.

(N.B., still unable to write the sequel of this never-ending story, Tita Judge Aramina again requested that I write it, because not only that she is overly encumbered with her duties as the Vice President, just like tita Kara Danvers, tita Judge Aramina has to walk away too from certain… vulnerabilities?)

If a woman from Venus landed here on Earth and she’d laugh at all your jokes, then you’d know you already found La woman of your Dreams.
-Apong Don Huan, Unbridled but Infinitesimal Wisdom*

(*Still unpublished and unwritten)

I think I had written it ad nauseam; it was my mommy Miss Brenda who once said communication is the key to a lusti…eh, lasting relationship. And of course, laughter is the other key.

But over-communication and laughing too much could sometimes lead to sleepless nights. Like those mornings in our University of Prinston International Baccalaureate UP-IB daycare class when Professor Sally would wake me up because I did not hear her TOC, Theory of Knowledge question and I couldn’t come up with a coherent answer:

Professor Sally: Hoy Kalis Marco San, wake up! So what is the answer to my question… is it one Big Bang, isang putok, or a multiverse from several bangs, multiple putoks?

Sleepy Kalis Marco San: Nya-ha-ha saan dita kiki siak kunak ket! Nyi-hi-hi gugu-gaga

Professor Sally: Ay she-bang. Another sleepless night eh, Kalis Marco San?

Well, true. My mommy Miss Brenda’s laughing and giggling was all I could hear that past night because once again, she accidentally placed the speaker monitor of the baby monitor inside my crib and the microphone at their headboard. I even tried to muffle their noise by pressing my ear on my pillow but the other ear could still hear them.

My daddy Marco San eventually returned the baby monitor at Costco on the 89th day of purchase:

Daddy Marco San: It does not work

Filipina Sales Associate: You are lucky ser it is not beyond the 90 days return policy you will get a full refund, uyyyyy ang cute-cute naman ni balong niyo! Ampogi! Ampula pula pisngi, pakurot!

Cute Kalis Marco San: Hih-hih-hik kiki siak kiki siak gugu-gaga hi-hih-hih-hik

Well, like I said, my mommy Miss Brenda and my daddy Marco San were always communicating, talking about stuff, laughing at each other’s jokes. They seem to be a good… well, Perfect fit… just like the song.

Just like Ren and Stimpy, Pumba and Timon, Gotye and Kimbra, Guy and Pip:

Forever my darling
Our love will be true

Pip: Nora

Guy: Yes Tirso

Or like tita Lisa May playing her guitar and her hubby playing the electronic keyboard. They look like a happy, perfect couple.

Like Judge Moira Dela Torre and her hubby tito Jason; Singing, laughing, giggling. Singing a Perfect cover. Hmm, Perfect cover…

“Wait a minot Kal-EL,” ate Alma tugged at my tshirt sleeve the other day while I was typing this, “you keep mentioning Judge Moira… are you obsessing on her? Writing about her is a perfect cover you know.”


I wanted to tell ate Alma that it’s complicated, but she preempted me:

“No Kal-EL, calculus is complicated, it is quite simple; Judge Moira is taken. You are just setting up yourself for a biiiig letdown.”


“Well, how would I know that, I am just a little kid,” I muttered to myself. If there was anyone who would know about obsessing and big letdowns, it would be apong Don Huan de Markus the lover boy. Apong Don Huan apparently had some girl issues before his own Venus, the Venusian Ukrainian woman, tita Doña Ana Rosalea landed on him.

Apparently, according to my non-chismoso padre and my non-chismosa madre Miss Brenda, apong Don Huan obsessed on a Miss Taken in their biochemistry class at UFE; University of Far Easter. But alas, tita Erika the Miss Taken was already tito Mark’s gelpren.

(Tito Mark would eventually marry tita Ana Maria and together they were able to procreate 5 babies)

(Just like tito Aramiro and tita Judge Aramina, 5 kids they had generated)

(Tita Erika ended up being a Mrs. Erika Nga, Dr. Enrico Nga’s wife)

(Or, according to Don Huan, Dr. Enrico ‘Hudas Iscariote’ Nga, because it was apparently Dr. Enrico who discouraged apong Don Huan to arem-arem tita Erika because she was already taken)

“They appeared to have good chemistry, Miss Erika and Mark,” apong Don Huan de Markus plans to write in his unpublished and unwritten book Unbridled but Infinitesimal Wisdom, “or probably more correct, they had good biochemistry because most likely they had already shared biological fluids.”

The story of how the Ukrainian Venus landed on apong Don Huan was a little nebulous as my mommy Miss Brenda and daddy Marco San were having some laughing fits while conversing about the landing. And also, my daddy Marco San couldn’t really focus on his photoshopping of a Jurassic Park image; he was trying to insert our picture, our Times Square New Year picture when I was just an infant. I suppose my daddy Marco San wanted to show their friends that we wuz part of the Raptors’ celebrations at Jurassic Park; the excitement and loudness was actually more intense even though Miley Cyrus was not there to do the twerk.

Apparently, tita Ana Rosalea’s head kept banging not at their headboard but at the bottom part of their dining table when tita Ana Rosalea landed at apong Don Huan to give him a Heimlich maneuver:

“So… how did the Don Huan end down under their dining table Brenda San?”

“Well Marco San, Don Huan was eating a tahong, a mussle and he choked and he fell on the floor and Doña Ana gave him a Heimlich maneuver right under their dining table.”

“Ha-ha-ha! She bangs, she bangs eh.”

I really couldn’t grasp the meaning of their conversation and I couldn’t really imagine how anyone would bang a head on a headboard while sleeping. My grandma Pacing might know because sometimes she would take a peek on my slightly ajar bedroom door probably to make sure Tita Ariana wasn’t banging her head on my headboard while sleeping.

(I wasn’t quite sure if Lilang Pacing was suspecting tita Ariana could be a ‘scary Ariana’)

Speaking of banging, the Deacon started to feel queasy as tita Detective Precious comfortably rested her head on his shoulder, still sitting on his lap and her arms around the Deacon’s shoulder. It would appear to anyone looking that they fit…perfectly?

Like… Yin and Yang.

Then suddenly, tita Precious, in a whispery voice whispered:

“I have a confession to make Deacon Karl.”

Meanwhile, back at the Karmanet SariSari Store Kabikulan compound, while people were milling around Engineer Jerry Maya, tita Lara Mae was in conversation with her cuzin tita Angel Garcia:

Tita Lara Mae Dario Garcia: I couldn’t contact cuzin Alexandria cuzin Angel, I think her phone is off… could she be inside the church?

Tita Angel Garcia: I am not sure cuzin Lara… she was with Edo earlier.

Tita Lara Mae Dario Garcia: How about detective Precious… and Deacon Karl Marks… I am on speakerphone here; Dr. Elisa is with me

Tita Angel Garcia: I have not seen them… probably… they are still trapped inside the church

Dr. geneticist Elisa’s stomach started to churn; she felt queasy. Tita Elisa regretted not having told the Deacon about her being pregnant.

“Wait a minot KAL-EL,” ate Alma tugged again at my shirt’s sleeve, “is the Geneticist really pregnant or you just thought of it now… I know, she’ll give birth eventually to a baby girl and her name will be Katrina Joy, right KAL-EL?”


“Hmn, aren’t we a little presumptuous,” I wanted to tell that to ate Alma, but I choked on my reply because I didn’t even know how to pronounce ‘presumptuous’ and I didn’t even know the meaning of that word.

Meanwhile, back at the confessional altar in CLMS, the Deacon could feel the warmth in tita Detective Precious’ breath on his neck. Then suddenly, the Deacon became aware of tita Precious’ body warmth… and her heartbeat. The deacon could feel tita Precious’ heartbeat… and her heartbeat felt like… in unison with his own heartbeat… their heartbeats were harmonizing… like they were singing Perfect…

Then tita Detective Precious whispered again.

Tita Detective Precious: I am pregnant

The Deacon shuddered. He was confused. “Am I that potent?” The deacon muttered in his mind. Sure the Sampaloc Woman portended that the Deacon would be a Saint someday… but a Potentate?

Deacon Karl Marks (whispering): Sure we’ve been in this position for probably a few minutes… but it does fell like… a few months had already passed Detective Precious… but I am not quite sure how I made you pregnant… Am I that potent?

Tita Detective Precious (not whispering): Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Kalis Marco San, M.R.B. ©2019

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