- website a magustoan a pagpalpallailangan dagiti pada a nangisit ti sikona.

dap-ayan: sungsungbat


Skip Navigation LinksHome > Dap-ayan > Dap-ayan Responses

Pagsasaritaan a Topiko


3/26/2006 8:29:00 AM



Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |
Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 7:00:00 PM

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:08:00 PM
Work vs. Prison

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.


You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

You get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

You get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

You can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

You get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

They allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies
you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!


Now get back to work.

You're not getting paid to check emails.

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:21:00 PM
Subject: Party Jokes

What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" a wife said to her husband.
"Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends."
"What?" she countered, "Until two in the morning?"
"Yes," he said. "We used night clubs."
How does a blond turn on the lights after sex?"
She opens the car door.
A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw a poor man and his family on
.the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Sir," the rich man said, "collect your family and bring them into the limo. You can eat at my estate
.tonight, and you can have your fill."
"Thank you for your kindness," the father said as the family entered the car.
"Think nothing of it," the rich man said. "We haven't mowed the lawn in a month."
When I am gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man said to his wife on his deathbed.
"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked . "You've hated him all your life."
"Still do," gasped the husband.

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:24:00 PM
Subject: Dear diary

Around before, but worth a second trip for a good laugh!

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.


We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive


Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.


Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if
I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was



I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
  Top   |  Bottom

7/17/2007 6:42:00 AM

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

  Top   |  Bottom

7/17/2007 9:57:00 PM

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for

my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, " What? You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high

figure?" How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy got the contract.
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in
the philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail.. In the Philippines , they go to the
The three presidents in the Philippines

Q. What`s the difference among Cory, Gloria and Erap,

A. Cory can`t tell a lie

Gloria can`t tell the truth

Erap can`t tell the difference
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/19/2007 5:59:00 AM
Dust if you Must

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.
author unknown

A house becomes a home when
you can write "I love you" on the furniture.
all the wonderful people in your life!
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/20/2007 7:26:00 AM
Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two to get her.

After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home .

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his act ion made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday . The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply w ant to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a sol dier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is. "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear some thing red every Friday.

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 6:23:00 AM
Subject: Fw: (Tanglad) Lemon Grass

Fresh lemon grass

While I was undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer, my oncologist, Dr.
Cecilia Llave, suggested that I try tanglad (lemon grass) for a drink, a
tip she got from one of her patients.

That's what I have been doing the past three years. I don't know if tanglad
has something to do with it but so far I'm okay.

A few weeks ago, an article on the medicinal powers of tanglad went the
rounds of internet. There's no harm trying this. A bunch of tanglad is ten
centavos. Or you can plant it in your backyard for a steady supply.

The article is by Allison Kaplan Sommer:

"At first, Benny Zabidov, an Israeli agriculturalist
who grows greenhouses full of lush spices on a pastoral farm in Kfar
in the Sharon region, couldn't understand why so many cancer patients from
around the country were showing up on his doorstep asking for fresh lemon

"It turned out that their doctors had sent them.

"'They had been told to drink eight glasses of hot water with fresh
lemongrass steeped in it on the days that they went for their radiation and
chemotherapy treatments," Zabidov told ISRAEL21c. "And this is the place
go to in Israel for fresh lemon grass.'

"It all began when researchers at Ben Gurion University of the Negev
discovered last year that the lemon aroma in herbs like lemon grass kills
cancer cells in vitro, while leaving healthy cells unharmed.

"The research team was led by Dr. Rivka Ofir and Prof. Yakov
Weinstein, incumbent of the Albert Katz Chair in Cell-Differentiatio n and
Malignant Diseases, from the Department of Microbiology and Immunology at

"Citral is the key component that gives the lemony aroma and taste in
several herbal plants such as lemon grass (Cymbopogon citratus), melissa
(Melissa officinalis) and verbena (Verbena officinalis. )

"According to Ofir, the study found that citral causes cancer cells to
'commit suicide: using apoptosis, a mechanism called programmed cell death.

"A drink with as little as one gram of lemon grass contains enough citral
prompt the cancer cells to commit suicide in the test tube.

"The BGU investigators checked the influence of the citral on
cancerous cells by adding them to both cancerous cells and normal cells
were grown in a petri dish. The quantity added in the concentrate was
equivalent to the amount contained in a cup of regular tea using one gram
of lemon herbs in hot water. While the citral killed the cancerous cells,
the normal cells remained unharmed.

"The findings were published in the scientific journal Planta Medica, which
highlights research on alternative and herbal remedies. Shortly afterwards,
the discovery was featured in the popular Israeli press.

"Why does it work? Nobody knows for certain, but the BGU scientists have a

"'In each cell in our body, there is a genetic program which causes
programmed cell death. When something goes wrong, the cells divide with no
control and become cancer cells. In normal cells, when the cell discovers
that the
control system is not operating correctly - for example, when it recognizes
that a cell contains faulty genetic material following cell division - it
triggers cell death," explains Weinstein. "This research may explain
the medical benefit of these herbs.'

"The success of their research led them to the conclusion that herbs
containing citral may be consumed as a preventative measure against certain
cancerous cells.

"As they learned of the BGU findings in the press, many physicians in
began to believe that while the research certainly needed to be explored
further, in the meantime it would be advisable for their patients, who were
looking for any possible tool to fight their condition, to try to harness
the cancer-destroying properties of citral.

"That's why Zabidov's farm - the only major grower of fresh lemon grass in
Israel - has become a pilgrimage destination for these patients. Luckily,
they found themselves in sympathetic hands. Zabidov greets visitors with a
large kettle of aromatic lemon grass tea, a plate of cookies, and a
supportive attitude.

"'My father died of cancer, and my wife's sister died young because of
cancer," said Zabidov. "So I understand what they are dealing with. And I
may not know anything about medicine, but I'm a good listener. And so they
tell me about their expensive painful treatments and what they've been
through. I would never tell them to stop being treated,
but it's great that they are exploring alternatives and drinking the lemon
grass tea as well."

"Zabidov knew from a young age that agriculture was his calling. At age 14,
he enrolled in the Kfar Hayarok Agricultural high school. After his army
service, he joined an idealistic group which headed south, in the Arava
desert region, to found a new moshav (agricultural settlement) called

"'We were very successful; we raised fruits and vegetables, and," he notes
with a smile, "We raised some very nice children."

"On a trip to Europe in the mid-80s, he began to become interested in

Israel , at the time, was nothing like the trend-conscious
cuisine-oriented country it is today, and the only spices being grown
commercially were basics like parsley, dill, and coriander.

"Wandering in the Paris market, looking at the variety of herbs and spices,
Zabidov realized that there was a great export potential in this niche. He
brought samples back home with him, "which was technically illegal," he
with a guilty smile, to see how they would grow in his desert greenhouses.

Soon, he was growing basil, oregano, tarragon, chives, sage, marjoram and
melissa, and mint just to name a few.

"His business began to outgrow his desert facilities, and so he decided to
move north, settling in the moshav of Kfar Yedidya, an hour and a half
of Tel Aviv. He is now selling "several hundred kilos" of lemon grass per
week, and has signed with a distributor to package and put it in health

"Zabidov has taken it upon himself to learn more about the properties of
citral, and help his customers learn more, and has invited medical experts
to his farm to give lectures about how the citral works and why.

"He also felt a responsibility to know what to tell his customers about its
see. 'When I realized what was happening, I picked up the phone and called
Dr. Weinstein at Ben-Gurion University , because these people were asking
exactly the best way to consume the citral. He said to put the loose grass
in hot water, and drink
about eight glasses each day.'

"Zabidov is pleased by the findings, not simply because it means business
for his farm, but because it might influence his own health. "Even before
the news of its benefits were demonstrated, he and his family had been
drinking lemon grass in hot water for years, 'just because it tastes

  Top   |  Bottom

7/21/2007 8:12:00 AM
Adda produkto iti Japan a powdered grass ngem nakanginngina, malaokan met laeng iti napudot a danum. (RAYUKEN)Agkaywara diay taltalon diay Pinas.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 11:00:00 AM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

Republican's Answer:


Southerner's Answer: *

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/22/2007 8:29:00 AM
50 Facts

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. There are no clocks inLas Vegas g@mbling casin0s.

13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors sothey don't know you're there.

18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

21. Michael Jordan makes moremoney from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.

28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".

35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".

37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .

41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.

43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka .

46. There are more chickens than people in the world.

47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.

48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".

50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
  Top   |  Bottom

5/31/2016 9:26:00 PM
komusta kayo amin
  Top   |  Bottom

6/13/2016 8:19:00 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, " much water did you drink?!"
  Top   |  Bottom

6/13/2016 8:21:00 PM
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."
  Top   |  Bottom

6/23/2016 7:28:00 AM
While visiting my 89-year-old grandfather in the hospital, a nurse came in to check his blood sugar. Before she started, the nurse examined his red fingertips that had been poked numerous times already and said, "Humm...which finger should we use this time that won't hurt too much?"

"Yours!" my grandfather replied.

  Top   |  Bottom

6/23/2016 7:31:00 AM
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."
  Top   |  Bottom

6/30/2016 7:02:00 AM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

  Top   |  Bottom

7/20/2016 6:36:00 AM
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"
  Top   |  Bottom

8/5/2016 6:49:00 AM
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/5/2016 6:51:00 AM
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.

After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.

After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed the young hottie.

"It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 year old guy.. .she is sensational, what age did you say you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the billionaire responds "85 years old"

  Top   |  Bottom

8/5/2016 6:54:00 AM
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

  Top   |  Bottom

8/13/2016 7:09:00 AM
Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"

At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in low handrails."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/26/2016 5:53:00 PM
What is wrong with these answers?
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: His last battle
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the page
Q: River Ravi flows in which state?
A: Liquid
Q: What is the main reason for divorce?
A: Marriage
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner
Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A: Wet
Q: How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A: No problem. He sleeps at night.
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand.
Q: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands
  Top   |  Bottom

9/1/2016 8:02:00 PM
A certain pastor was fond of spending his "quiet time" on the golf course. "It is a splendid place to meditate," he said. He became such a good golfer that he decided to enter the local tournament.
When his turn came to begin the opening round, he confidently placed his golf ball on the tee, got his club into position, began his swing and, at that crucial moment, the caddy sneezed. Totally distracted, the pastor topped the ball miserably and it dribbled only a few feet from the tee.
He clenched his fist and bit his lip and glared at the embarrassed caddy, but he didn't speak. Whereupon, his opponent said to him, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/10/2016 9:07:00 AM
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/25/2016 11:05:00 AM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

  Top   |  Bottom

10/12/2016 5:33:00 AM
You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."

"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."
  Top   |  Bottom

10/12/2016 5:34:00 AM
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
10/24/2016 6:43:00 PM
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

  Top   |  Bottom

11/9/2016 9:18:00 PM
The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, André?".
  Top   |  Bottom

1/2/2017 8:05:00 AM
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
  Top   |  Bottom

3/16/2017 3:38:00 PM
Sex Lives
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he is good for several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“How so?”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”
  Top   |  Bottom

3/29/2017 7:55:00 AM
A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn't seem happy.

"What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"

"I know," he groaned, "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"

  Top   |  Bottom

4/1/2017 4:10:00 PM
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That's the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
5/9/2017 8:18:00 PM
Below is a message from famous novelist ?? (YANG JIANG)written at age of 103, who passed away at age 105 on May 2016:
*Be Kind to Twilight Years*
Seasons after seasons, we are unknowingly approaching our twilight years.
From the first cry on coming to earth till the hair turns grey, the baggage of our journey through life is filled with bitterness and sweetness as well as ups and downs.
How far we walk on the path of our twilight years will depend on our physical, mental and spiritual condition.
Life's glory and splendor are behind us and we are now just going through the daily chores of keeping life going.
Once we yearned for a glamorous life, now we realize the most wonderful and romantic scenery in life are moments of tranquility.
Do not anxiously expect visits from our children. They have their own lives to live; they are like tops being spun continuously, sandwiched between young and old. Old is dusk, young is dawn. We are all concerned and have high expectations for the young: this is nature's law. It is a human race survival cycle and no one can defy it.
Please remember: our children are always more busy than us.
In life whether it is husband and wife or parents and children , no matter how harmonious and how close they are, each one is unique and an independent entity.
Therefore we need to learn to cope with loneliness by finding ways to console and cheer ourselves up when feeling lonely.
In reaching our golden age, we have our self esteem and graciousness just like the cycle of four seasons, each has its grace and beauty. Smile & enjoy each phase of life.
Twilight years is the beginning of goodness in life. It is easy going, peaceful, unhurried and joyful. We have to maintain peace, expect less, be more inclusive and forgiving, do not over react when receiving attention or when we are ignored. To stay or to go does not matter anymore. Keep smiling while moving ahead each day and be kind to ourselves.
Being honest and sincere will make friendships last.
Do not expect a return on what you have given to others. After all, making others happy is life's greatest achievement.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
6/4/2017 10:47:00 PM
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

  Top   |  Bottom

6/14/2017 6:56:00 AM
Through his portrayal in Plato's dialogues, Socrates has become renowned for his contribution to the field of ethics, and it is this Platonic Socrates who lends his name to the concepts of Socratic irony and the Socratic method, or elenchus. The latter remains a commonly used tool in a wide range of discussions, and is a type of pedagogy in which a series of questions is asked not only to draw individual answers, but also to encourage fundamental insight into the issue at hand. Plato's Socrates also made important and lasting contributions to the field of epistemology, and the influence of his ideas and approach remains a strong foundation for much western philosophy that followed.

Let us remember his wisdom by reading 24 famous quotes of his:

1) “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

2) “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

3) “There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.”

4) “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think”

5) “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

6) “Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.”

7) “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

8) “He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.”

9) “If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

10) “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

11) “Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.”

12) “To find yourself, think for yourself.”

13) “Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.”

14) “Know thyself.”

15) “Let him who would move the world first move himself.”

16) “The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”

17) “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

18) “I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.”

19) “Prefer knowledge to wealth, for the one is transitory, the other perpetual.”

20) “understanding a question is half an answer”

21) “True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us”

22) “He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.”

23) “To be is to do”

24) “The mind is everything; what you think you become”

Socrates: The Test Of Three
MOTIVATION: 15 Best Socrates Picture Quotes
17 Of Plato's Most Famous Quotes That Can Help Us Improve Our Lives
This Animation Will Explain To You Plato's Philosophy In Almost 3 Minutes
40 Aristotle's Quotes That Will Make You Think And Can Change Your Life
The Key To Happiness, According To 3 Greek Philosophers
The 10 Most Famous Personalities Of The Last 6,000 Years
12 Life Lessons from Jesus That Everyone Should Read Before They Die
25 Life Lessons from Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein - How I See the World
One Buddha Teaching That Will Tell You More About Yourself Than Anything Else
25 Life Changing Lessons to Learn from Buddha
Gandhi’s 10 Fundamentals: How To Change The World
25 Life Changing Lessons To Learn From Rumi
10 Pieces Of Wisdom & Quotes From Native American Elders
10 Quotes From a Sioux Indian Chief That Will Make You Question Everything About Our Society
25 Lessons From Khalil Gibran That Can Totally Transform Your Life
18 Rules Of Living By The Dalai Lama
Mark Twain’s Top 9 Tips For Living A Kick-Ass Life
The Wisdom of Bruce Lee: 25 Quotes on Mastery, Martial Arts & Consciousness
The 10 Inventions of Nikola Tesla That Changed The World
10 Unbelievable Facts You Didn't Know About Nikola Tesla
This Explains Why Einstein's Brain Was Special
Leonardo Da Vinci’s 6 Ingenious Inventions
These Awesome Quotes Will Make You Rethink Life.
10 Sentences that Can Change Your Life
It will take just 1 minute to read this and change your thinking.
99 Interesting Quotes That Will Change How You See The World
“Where there is love there is life!” -Mahatma Gandhi
John Lennon's "Imagine", made into a beautiful comic.
8 Great Philosophical Questions That We’ll Never Solve
  Top   |  Bottom

7/8/2017 7:47:00 PM
We should all love our bodies for what they are. However, when you encounter unexpected bodily features, they might take some time getting used to…
A nurse asks a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown before getting examined by the doctor.
“In front of you?” he asked shyly.
The nurse said, “Don’t worry, I’ve seen plenty of naked bodies before.”
The patient replied, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years, I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, slowly undressing. First he unbuttoned his shirt, took off his pants, and with a sigh pulled down his underwear. In front of the nurse stood a huge naked male body with the smallest male organ that the nurse had ever seen in her life.
It was almost identical to a AAA battery in length and width.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
When she realized that she was laughing, she felt very bad for laughing at the patient’s private parts, and composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” the nurse said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.
The nurse ran out of the room.
  Top   |  Bottom

7/8/2017 7:48:00 PM
Steven and Sarah got married, and in the beginning everything was sunshine and rainbows. However, after a couple of months the novelty had worn off, and they had settled into their new everyday lives.
The young couple decided to save up a bit for a rainy day. They still wanted to do fun things though, but is there really any way to combine saving and leisure?
One day they came up with an idea – each time they had a play in bed, they would put a $20 bill into a piggy bank.
They put the plan in motion and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke open the piggy bank.
Steven looked at their savings and said, “Isn’t this strange? Each time we had a play, I put in $20, but there are tons of $50 bills and a few $100 bills in here.”
Sarah replied, “Well, not everybody is as cheap as you are!”
  Top   |  Bottom

8/16/2017 8:38:00 PM
From Tony Halaguena
```1. ??No matter how beautiful and handsome you are just remember Baboons and Gorillas also attract tourists .
?Stop Boasting?
2.??No matter how big and strong you are, you will not carry yourself to your Grave .
?Be Humble?
3.??No matter how tall you are, you can never see tomorrow.
?Be Patient?
4.??No matter how Light Skinned you are, you will always need light in Darkness ?Take Caution ?
5.??No matter how Rich and many Cars you have, you will always Walk to Bed
?Be Contented?
Take Life Easy, Life is short.
Have you taken note of the CO-INCIDENCE OF LIFE:
1. CHURCH has 6 letters so does MOSQUE.
2. BIBLE has 5 letters so does QURAN.
3. LIFE has 4 letters so does DEAD.
4. HATE has 4 letters, so does LOVE.
5. ENEMIES has 7 letters, so does FRIENDS.
6. LYING has 5 letters, so does TRUTH.
7. HURT has 4 letters, so does HEAL.
8. NEGATIVE has 8 letters, so does POSITIVE.
9. FAILURE has 7 letters, so does SUCCESS.
10. BELOW has 5 letters, so does ABOVE.
11. CRY has 3 letters so does JOY.
12. ANGER has 5 letters, so does HAPPY.
13. RIGHT has 5 letters, so does WRONG.
14. RICH has 4 letters, so does POOR.
15. FAIL has 4 letters, so does PASS.
16. KNOWLEDGE has 9 letters, so does IGNORANCE.
Are they all by Coincidence? We should choose wisely, this means LIFE is like a double-edged sword.
If you think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body and you will realise that it is the grace of God that woke you up.
If you are grateful to God, forward this to all your friends to inform them that it is JUST BY THE GRACE OF GOD that we are alive.
NOTE: If this has blessed you and you want to bless someone else, please share!```
  Top   |  Bottom

8/29/2017 10:16:00 PM
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/29/2017 10:17:00 PM
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

  Top   |  Bottom

10/1/2017 9:52:00 AM
15 Ways to Keep
a Relationship Working... .
1. Love each other
2. Don’t lie
3. Keep communication open
4. Stay sweet
5. When you get hurt,
focus on forgiving
6. Never talk about break-ups
7. Never say ‘it’s ok’
when it’s not
8. Learn to put
your ego aside
9. If you say ‘sorry,' mean it
10. Don’t compare your
past with your present
11. Don’t talk about your ex’s
12. Practice 'give and take
13. Be aware of your partner’s feelings
14. After a fight,
work on resolving
the issue right away;
don’t let the days go by
15. Although there is no ‘perfect person’ out there,
There IS a ‘right one’ for u.
<3 <3
  Top   |  Bottom

10/1/2017 9:58:00 AM
Bringing back
and her letter:
We' ve been friends for a long time ago.
We come from the same alma mother.
our paths crossed one time on another.
But it's only now that
I gave him a second look.
I realized that beauty
is in the eyes.
The pulpbits of my heart went fast,
really fast.
Cute pala siya.
And then, he came over with me.
He said,
"I hope you don't mine.
Can I get your number?"
Nag-worry ako.
What if he doesn't give it back?
He explained naman na
it's so we could keep intact daw.
Sabi ko,
"Connect me if I'm wrong,
but are you asking me ouch?"
"The!?!!??". ..
ang sarcastic na sagot nya.
Aba! The verb!
Parang siya pa ang galit!
Persona ingrata!!!
Ang kapal niya!
I cried buckles of tears.
Na-guilty yata siya.
Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na
this is a blessing in the sky.
Irregardless daw of his feelings,
we should go ouch na rin.
Now, we're so in love.
Mute and epidemic na ang past.
Thanks God we swallowed our fried.
I'm 33 na and I'm running our time.
After 2 weeks,
he plopped the question.
"Will you marriage me?"
I'm in a state of shocked.
Kasi mantakin mo,
when it rains, it's four!
This is true good to be true.
So siyempre, I said yes.
Love is a many splendor.
Pero nung inaayos ko na
ang aming kasal,
everything swell to pieces.
Nag-di-dinner kami noon
nang biglang sa harap ng aming table,
may babaeng humirit ng,
"Well, well, well.
Look do we have here."
What the fuss!
The nerd ng babaeng yon!
She said they were still on.
So I told her,
whatever is that,
cut me some slacks!
I didn't want this to
get our hand kaya
I had to sip it in the bud.
She accused me of
steeling her boyfriend.
As is!!!
I don't want to portrait
the role of the other woman.
Gosh, tell me to the marines!
I told her,
mine you own business!"
Who would believe her anyway?
Dahil it's not my problem anymore
but her problem anymore,
tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo.
Everything is coming up daisies.
I'm so happy.
Even my boyfriend
said liketwice.
He's so supportive. Sabi niya,
"Look at is this way.
She's our of our lives."
Kaya advise ko sa inyo
- take the risk.
You can never can tell.
Just burn the bridge
when you get there.
Life is shorts.
If you make a mistake,
we'll just pray for the
internal and external
repose of your soul.
I second emotion.
  Top   |  Bottom

10/1/2017 9:59:00 AM
BABAE: Delete mo friend request ng babaeng 'yan. Ayoko siya.
LALAKI: O sige baby.
BABAE: Uwi na agad, huwag ka ng gumala.
LALAKI: Opo baby.
BABAE: Ang sarap ng sandwich na ginawa ko no?
LALAKI: Naman, baby! Sarap.
BABAE: Huwag na huwag kitang mahuhuling nakikipag-text sa ibang babae, yari ka talaga.
LALAKI: Syempre ikaw lang ang textmate ko baby.
LALAKI: Ayoko sa lalaking 'yan. Delete mo friend request niya.
BABAE: Sus! Nakikipagkaibigan lang naman yung tao.
LALAKI: Uwi na agad! Huwag ka ng
BABAE: Sandali lang naman. And besides, kasama ko naman sina Christy, Jenny, Martha (and the list goes on)
LALAKI: Ang sarap ng prinepare kong sandwich no?
BABAE: Bakit may kamatis at sibuyas alam mo namang hindi ako kumakain noon. Tss.
LALAKI: Huwag kang nakikipagtext sa ibang lalaki ha?
BABAE: Ano na naman ba yon? Ikaw lahat na lang pinagseselosan mo.
Sino nakarelate???
  Top   |  Bottom

10/27/2017 6:14:00 PM
ARABIC – shukran
CATALAN – gràcies (GRAH-syuhs)
DANISH – tak (tahg)
DUTCH – dank u
FINNISH – kiitos (KEE-tohss)
FRENCH – merci
GERMAN – danke
GREEK – e??a??st?
HAWAIIAN – mahalo (ma-HA-lo)
HEBREW – .???? / todah (toh-DAH)
HINDI – dhanyavad / shukriya
HUNGARIAN – köszönöm
ICELANDIC – takk (tahk)
INDONESIAN – terima kasih. (tuh-REE-mah KAH-see)
ITALIAN – grazie (GRAHT-tsyeh)
JAPANESE – arigatô
KOREAN – ????? (gamsahamnida)
LEBANESE – choukrane
MALAY – terima kasih (TREE-muh KAH-seh)
MONGOLIAN – ????????? (bayarlalaa)
POLISH – dziekuje (Jenkoo-yen)
ROMANIAN – multumesc
RUSSIAN – ??????? (spuh-SEE-buh)
SPANISH – gracias (GRAH-syahs)
SWEDISH – tack
TAMIL – nandri
THAI – kop khun
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
11/29/2017 6:10:00 AM
An elderly man bought a lottery ticket and gave it to his wife for safe-keeping. When the winning numbers were announced, she was the first to know that he had won two million dollars. But she decided not to tell him immediately since he had a bad heart and she feared he might drop dead from the shock.
Consequently, she asked their pastor to break the news to him, gently. When the pastor met with the big winner, he engaged him in small talk for a while.
Finally, as casually as possible, he asked, "What would you do if you were ever to win a couple of million dollars?"
Without hesitation the man replied, "I'd give half to the Church!" Whereupon, the pastor dropped dead.
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
11/29/2017 6:21:00 AM
The two jewels
A deeply religious Rabbi lived happily with his family, an admirable woman and two dear sons. One time, he had to be away from home for several days due to work. When he was away, a serious car accident killed his two boys.
Alone, the mother suffered in silence. But being a strong woman, backed up by her faith and trust in God, she endured the shock with dignity and bravery. However, she constantly worried how she was going to break this sad news to her husband. Even though he was a man of faith, he had already been admitted to the hospital for cardiac problems in the past and his wife feared that learning about the tragedy would kill him too.
On the eve of her husband’s arrival, she prayed earnestly and was given the grace of an answer.
On the following day, the Rabbi returned home, embraced his wife warmly and asked for their sons.
His wife told him not to worry about that, he should take a shower and rest.
Hours later, both of them sat down to have lunch. She asked him for details about his journey, he told her about everything he had experienced, spoke of God’s mercy, but asked about the boys again.
His wife, in a quiet embarrassed posture, answered her husband, “Leave them alone, we’ll worry about them later. First I want you to help me solve a problem I consider serious.”
Her husband, already worried, asked, “What happened? I noticed you are worn! Tell me everything that goes through your soul and I am sure we will solve any problem together, with the help of God.”
“While you were away, a friend of ours visited me and left two jewels of incalculable worth for us to save. Those are very precious jewels! I have never seen something so stunning! He is coming to get them back and I don’t want to give them back to him as I have already taken a liking to them. What do you say?”
“Well now, woman! I don’t understand you! Vanities have never appealed to you!”
“It is that I had never seen such jewels! I can’t accept the idea of losing them forever!”
And the Rabbi answered:
“No one loses what he doesn’t own. Keeping them would be like stealing! We are going to return them and I will help you get over them. We will do that together, today.”
“Very well, my dear, as you wish. The treasure will be returned. In truth, that has already been done. The precious jewels were our sons. God trusted us their guard and during your trip he came to get them. They are gone…”
The Rabbi embraced his wife, and together they shed many tears, but he had understood the message and from that day on they fought to overcome the loss together.
  Top   |  Bottom

12/31/2017 7:05:00 AM
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
  Top   |  Bottom

1/25/2018 9:16:00 PM
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
  Top   |  Bottom

2/2/2018 3:41:00 PM
Both Sides of the Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
  Top   |  Bottom

2/10/2018 7:17:00 AM
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to his Doctor's office. "Doctor Kaine, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later Howard, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking her head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
  Top   |  Bottom

2/10/2018 7:18:00 AM
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
  Top   |  Bottom

4/24/2018 8:43:00 PM
Wealth, Loneliness

An extremely wealthy man, reflecting on his business career and the life it brought him, said,

"If you go into the business world with the idea of satisfying all your needs and wants, your greed will erect for you not a soul-satisfying empire but a cage. And you become a prisoner of the monster you yourself created. And let me tell you, it's lonely!"
  Top   |  Bottom

4/24/2018 8:44:00 PM

A very wealthy man invited his four married daughters to dinner. "I'm getting on in years," he said to them, "and I've lived a full life for which I'm grateful. But I continue to be disappointed that none of you has given me a grandchild. Tomorrow I'm adding a provision to my will. It will state that the first of you who presents me with a grandchild will receive an extra bonus of one million dollars.

Now, let us bow our heads and say Grace." Then he closed his eyes, bowed his head, and said a short prayer. When he opened his eyes and looked up -- everyone was gone!

..........We can relate with that situation. Money is a powerful incentive for just about all of us. And that's not all bad. Money has its uses; it can be a healthy incentive. But it is bad when it becomes an obsession.
  Top   |  Bottom

4/24/2018 8:45:00 PM

Once upon a time a government surveyor brought his equipment to a farm, called on the farmer, and asked permission to go into one of the fields and take readings. The farmer objected, fearing that the survey was the first step toward construction of a highway through his land. "I will not give you permission to go into my fields," said the farmer.

Whereupon, the surveyor produced an official government document which authorized him to do the survey. "I have the authority," he said, "to enter any field in the entire country to take necessary readings."

Faced with such authority, the farmer opened the gate and allowed the surveyor to enter the field. The farmer then went to the far end of the field and opened another gate, through which one of his fiercest bulls came charging.

Seeing the bull, the surveyor dropped his equipment and began to run for his life. And he could hear the farmer triumphantly shouting after him,"Show him the paper, show him your authority."
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
5/17/2018 7:41:00 AM
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
  Top   |  Bottom

6/15/2018 10:55:00 AM
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
  Top   |  Bottom

7/10/2018 9:44:00 AM
All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him.

"I've got an idea," I said, and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it.

Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."
  Top   |  Bottom

7/26/2018 11:45:00 PM
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

  Top   |  Bottom

8/8/2018 7:36:00 AM
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
  Top   |  Bottom

8/8/2018 7:56:00 AM
Mommy, Mommy Alam mo sa klase namin kanina Ako Lang Ang nakasagot sa klase namin sa tanong ng titser na napakadali sagutin.
Bakit anak ano ba Ang tanong?
Sino Ang walang assignment?
  Top   |  Bottom

8/8/2018 8:25:00 AM
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.

I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.

"5,372," came the prompt reply.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"The sermon was over."
  Top   |  Bottom

8/28/2018 8:00:00 AM
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?� The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"


"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
  Top   |  Bottom

9/14/2018 9:06:00 PM
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.

One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
  Top   |  Bottom

9/26/2018 8:32:00 AM
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
  Top   |  Bottom

10/10/2018 6:20:00 PM
Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
  Top   |  Bottom

10/10/2018 6:21:00 PM
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
10/23/2018 9:54:00 PM
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
10/23/2018 9:55:00 PM
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
11/1/2018 8:18:00 AM
Halloween 2018 jokes

What plants like Halloween the most?

What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!

Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!

What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.

What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.
  Top   |  Bottom

11/1/2018 8:20:00 AM
Two Difficult Things

Two things are very difficult to achieve!!!

1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.
2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.

The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!
  Top   |  Bottom

11/1/2018 8:22:00 AM
Improvements in Hell

An electrical engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" we got them all here!
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
11/8/2018 5:57:00 PM
The Three Wise Men

I am wondering why they now call the three Magi, the three wise men who came to the site of Jesus' birth, as the Three Kings?

In our Religion class, we were told they were wise men, though they were also called "kings". But today, they are simply referred to as "kings".

The three men who came were just wise men. They were men who knew how to read the stars, astrologers at least. They determined that a great man will be born or was then born, one who will "King" of the world. So much was their certainty that they brought gifts of great worth, fit for a king.

Much would have been their surprise ,I could imagine, when the star led them to a baby in swaddling clothes. Also, the manger could not ba a king's castle. I could picture the three wise men conferring, asking each other whether they have read the star's message well. Could they have misread the alignment ofnthe stars? Could they have made a mistake in following the stars?

Yet their wisdom overcame their doubts and came to a certain decision. They have "followed the stars" and reviewed them constantly. They could not make a mistake. All of them "followed the same stars". This child is who the stars led them to. He will become the greatest King the world will know.

So, the three magi who read and followed the stars offered their expensive gifts to the child. These gifts were testament to their wisdom, the certain knowledge that this child named Joshua bar Joseph will be King, the greatest King.
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
11/8/2018 5:58:00 PM
The Three Wise Men

I am wondering why they now call the three Magi, the three wise men who came to the site of Jesus' birth, as the Three Kings?

In our Religion class, we were told they were wise men, though they were also called "kings". But today, they are simply referred to as "kings".

The three men who came were just wise men. They were men who knew how to read the stars, astrologers at least. They determined that a great man will be born or was then born, one who will "King" of the world. So much was their certainty that they brought gifts of great worth, fit for a king.

Much would have been their surprise ,I could imagine, when the star led them to a baby in swaddling clothes. Also, the manger could not ba a king's castle. I could picture the three wise men conferring, asking each other whether they have read the star's message well. Could they have misread the alignment ofnthe stars? Could they have made a mistake in following the stars?

Yet their wisdom overcame their doubts and came to a certain decision. They have "followed the stars" and reviewed them constantly. They could not make a mistake. All of them "followed the same stars". This child is who the stars led them to. He will become the greatest King the world will know.

So, the three magi who read and followed the stars offered their expensive gifts to the child. These gifts were testament to their wisdom, the certain knowledge that this child named Joshua bar Joseph will be King, the greatest King.
  Top   |  Bottom

11/8/2018 6:16:00 PM
Ang sabi nila...

"palagi mo na lang akong pinapaikot, sawang-sawa na ako. mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako!"
- electric fan

"hala! sige, magpakasasa ka! alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo!"
- hipon

"ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako, lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala na ba akong karapatang magmahal?"
- gasolina

"sawang-sawa na ako. palagi na lang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako!"
- bola

"ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka. mahirap ba talagang makontento lang sa isa? bakit kailangang magpalipat-lipat ka?"
- telebisyon

"hindi lahat ng maasim ay may vitamin C!"
- kili-kili

"sige! batihin mo ako...sige!...bateeeeee!!!!"
- scrambled egg

"pilitin mo mang alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik pa rin ako!"
- libag

"huwag mo na akong bilugin!"
- kulangot

"wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! hindi na nga ako gumagalaw dito eh. ako na nga yung natapakan, siya pa yung galit! bakit ganun?"
- tae

"sige! kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng lahat ang baho mo!"
- deodorant

"hindi ko kasalanan na paiyakin ka! tandaan mo, ikaw ang unang nanakit!"
- sibuyas

"di porke't marami na akong natikmang labi, di porke't nalawayan na rin ako ng marami ay wala na kong dangal!"
- kutsara

"wag ka nang mahiya! pag ako'y iyong natikman, siguradong ako'y iyong babalik-balikan!"
- free taste

"paano mo ako matitikman kung hindi mo ako huhubaran?"
- saging

"hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sa 'yo! ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ay ganun mo na lang akong itanggi!"
- utot

"paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa 'yo?"
- hollow blocks

"bakit ba tuwing basang-basa na ako saka mo pa ako binibitin?"
- sinampay
  Top   |  Bottom

11/25/2018 9:17:00 AM
When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy.

So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.

"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"
  Top   |  Bottom

11/25/2018 9:18:00 AM
I just came off of jury duty. None of us was thrilled to spend hours and hours waiting around in a boring waiting room to see if we'd get selected. There was a rather smug college professor who REALLY didn't want to be there. When the judge was asking questions of the prospective jurors, concerning our abilities to judge fairly among the witnesses on both sides, the college professor said, "I don't believe in the justice system of this state, and I should be relieved."

I guess he thought he'd be sent home.

The judge was not impressed, to say the least, and said, "I find you in contempt of this court. I sentence you to spend one week in this courtroom. You will serve your sentence between the hours of 9:00 am and 4:30 pm and may go to have your lunch as the court stipulates from day to day. I think your opinion of our justice system will change. If you fail to carry out your sentence, you will spend one week in jail. You may now sit down, professor."

The rest of us were tempted to applaud, but thought better of it.
  Top   |  Bottom

1/11/2019 1:00:00 PM
A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, "Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors."

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says, "Before that, God formed the earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavors."

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
  Top   |  Bottom

2/1/2019 7:40:00 PM
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
  Top   |  Bottom

2/1/2019 7:41:00 PM
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, strip down to their underwear and get to work.

An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask.

"Blind man."

Thinking nothing of it, the privates open the door. "Hi," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?
  Top   |  Bottom

3/5/2019 10:17:00 PM
The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey, Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," their mother said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" the boys exclaimed, "That's really cool -- but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"
"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.
"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" the brothers exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
  Top   |  Bottom

nenita bautista torqueza
3/23/2019 6:09:00 PM
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
  Top   |  Bottom

4/2/2019 12:51:00 PM
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said, 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 9:05:00 AM
What’s an Alcoholic

The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”

So the dad replied, “Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”

??The son replied, “But Dad, I only see two.”
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 9:06:00 AM
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 9:07:00 AM
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
  Top   |  Bottom

4/28/2019 10:07:00 AM
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
  Top   |  Bottom

5/9/2019 4:53:00 PM
In the much-beloved film the "Wizard of Oz,” a great cyclone strikes in the state of Kansas, transporting young Dorothy to a strange land called Oz. She meets three very engaging characters -- a scarecrow, a tin woodsman and a cowardly lion.

Dorothy discovers that the scarecrow would like more than anything else to have a brain; that the tin woodsman, above all else, longs to have a heart; that the cowardly lion wants most of all to be courageous. Dorothy and her three new acquaintances then set out together in search of the one and only Wizard of Oz who would show them how to satisfy all their needs and wants -- how to solve all their problems.

The journey turns out to be a hazardous one. But despite all kinds of obstacles, they manage to get through it all. The point of the story is the way they manage to work their way through. Whenever some physical danger threatens them, it is always the cowardly lion who fights his way out of it. Whenever they face an obstacle that requires some brain work to avoid, it is the brainless scarecrow who comes up with the answer. As for the tin woodsman, who is in search of a heart, he demonstrates such a capacity for empathy that they keep an oil can handy to prevent his free-flowing tears from rusting his joints.

Finally, they arrive at their destination and the Wizard of Oz points out that each of them already possesses that which they had traveled so far to obtain.

..................To acquire the human qualities we need for our life's fulfillment, we must be willing to take the first step. And once we take that first step, we already have what we need to become the kind of persons God created us to be.
  Top   |  Bottom

5/9/2019 4:53:00 PM

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
  Top   |  Bottom

5/9/2019 4:54:00 PM
A pain in the leg

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
5/26/2019 7:33:00 AM
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
  Top   |  Bottom

5/26/2019 7:59:00 AM
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
  Top   |  Bottom

6/13/2019 7:40:00 AM

‘you iS!’ ‘you is!’ ‘you is!’
-sigaw ni aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika. Andito na ako sa ‘you is!’

Las Vegas

“Ang ganda ng bigas!” Iyan ang sabi ni Mommy Dionisia
pagkagaling ng Las Vegas, Nevada.
  Top   |  Bottom

6/30/2019 7:20:00 PM
We all break wind every now and then – it’s completely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. However, you generally don’t want to let loose around other people. Farts can really smell awful, but sometimes you just can’t help it – you simply have to let it rip.

But now there’s finally a solution that makes your farts smell wonderful – at least if the inventor’s claims are to be believed.

A French company has developed a pill that will make your gas smell amazing. Because let’s be honest, farts can be quite the horrible experience. What if they would smell like fresh flowers or chocolate instead?

Claimed to be completely natural the pills have been developed by inventor Christian Poincheval, based in the French city of Gesvres. He claims that they can transform your stinky gas into much lovelier fragrances.

Poincheval has been working on the pill since 2007, and the company Lutin Malin claims that the pill is completely natural, and does not contain any medicinal or drug-based substances. It’s supposedly a dietary supplement based on natural ingredients.

The company’s website says:

“The Fart Pill is the result of lengthy research and trials and is on sale since 2007. Our fragrant variants also add a touch of humor for any occasion. Our numerous returning customers are no doubt the best proof.”

If you want to give this strange invention a try, then head on over to Lutin Malin’s webpage, or visit Amazon. There you can buy bottles containing 60 capsules for about $20.

There are several diff
  Top   |  Bottom

6/30/2019 7:21:00 PM
A mother takes her 18 year old daughter to the doctor. The female doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother replies, “It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings. Also, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow but says nothing, not wanting to jump to conclusions. She gives Darla a thorough examination, checking for all possibilities.

After finishing her examination, the doctor turns to the mother, takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother stands up from heir chair bursts out, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”

The mother turns to her daughter and looks at her imploringly.

Darla shakes her head and says, “No, Mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

Hearing this, the doctor stands up, walks over to a nearby window and opens the blinds. She says nothing, and instead just looks out the window attentively.

A few moments later, the mother asks, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
  Top   |  Bottom

6/30/2019 7:22:00 PM
In a small Italian town, hundreds of years ago, a small business owner owed a large sum of money to a loan-shark. The loan-shark was a very old, unattractive looking guy that just so happened to fancy the business owner’s daughter.

He decided to offer the businessman a deal that would completely wipe out the debt he owed him. However, the catch was that we would only wipe out the debt if he could marry the businessman’s daughter.

Needless to say, this proposal was met with a look of disgust.

The loan-shark said that he would place two pebbles into a bag, one white and one black.

The daughter would then have to reach into the bag and pick out a pebble. If it was black, the debt would be wiped, but the loan-shark would then marry her. If it was white, the debt would also be wiped, but the daughter wouldn’t have to marry the loan-shark.

Standing on a pebble-strewn path in the businessman’s garden, the loan-shark bent over and picked up two pebbles.

Whilst he was picking them up, the daughter noticed that he’d picked up two black pebbles and placed them both into the bag.

He then asked the daughter to reach into the bag and pick one.

The daughter naturally had three choices as to what she could have done:

1. Refuse to pick a pebble from the bag.
2. Take both pebbles out of the bag and expose the loan-shark for cheating.
3. Pick a pebble from the bag fully well knowing it was black and sacrifice herself for her father’s freedom.

She drew out a pebble from the bag, and before looking at it ‘accidentally’ dropped it into the midst of the other pebbles.

She said to the loan-shark; “Oh, how clumsy of me. Never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

The pebble left in the bag is obviously black, and seeing as the loan-shark didn’t want to be exposed, he had to play along as if the pebble the daughter dropped was white, and clear her father’s debt.

..................It’s always possible to overcome a tough situation throughout of the box thinking, and not give in to the only options you think you have to pick from.
  Top   |  Bottom

6/30/2019 7:23:00 PM
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
  Top   |  Bottom

7/16/2019 9:13:00 AM
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
  Top   |  Bottom

Show ALL Comments  | Last 100  |


Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.


All communications made available as part of this forum and any opinions, advice, statements, views or other information expressed in this forum are solely provided by, and the responsibility of, the person posting such communication and not of ILUKO.COM (unless ILUKO.COM is specifically identified as the author of the communication).

ILUKO.COM does not certify, endorse, verify, edit or review the contents of any communication posted to these forums. ILUKO.COM makes no warranty of any kind, express or implied, with regard to the posted communications or information contained therein. ILUKO.COM is not responsible for defamatory, offensive or illegal conduct of any author posting to this forum.

ILUKO.COM reserves the right to remove any postings from this forum at its discretion; this reservation creates no affirmative duty in ILUKO.COM, and failure to exercise this power shall not subject ILUKO.COM to any liability of any sort. Persons posting to this forum hereby agree to abide by all applicable laws both National and International and to accept legal responsibility for the contents of their communications.

Any user who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to contact us immediately by email. We have the ability to remove objectionable messages and we will make every effort to do so, within a reasonable time frame, if we determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, so please realize that we may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately.

If you participate in a discussion, you are responsible for ensuring that any material you post to ILUKO.COM (text, images, or other multimedia content) does not violate or infringe upon the copyright, patent, trademark or any other personal or proprietary rights of any third party, and is posted with the permission of the owner of such rights.