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PAGLINGLINGAYAN ITI SIROK TI KAMATIS

oyasan
3/26/2006 8:29:00 AM

IPOSTE/IPORWARD TAYO MAN DITOY DAGITAY 'WORDS OF WISDOM', 'WORDS OF ABOUT GOD/RELIGION' ETC. NGA MAKA-AY-AYO NGA BASBASAEN.


Sungsungbat/Komentario

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otiang
5/20/2007 7:35:00 AM
When life gives you lemons.....

1.Sanitize a chopping block. Run a slice of lemon over the surface to disinfect.
2. Eliminate the browning that occurs when food sits out too long. Sprinkle apple or pear slices with lemon juice before serving, or squeeze a bit into guacamole and give it a stir.
3. Remove tough food stains from plastic and light-colored wooden cutting boards. Slice a lemon in half, squeeze the juice onto the soiled surface, rub, and let sit for 20 minutes. Rinse with water.
4. Fade tea stains on cloth. Dilute lemon juice with an equal amount of water. Use an eyedropper or a Q-tip to make sure the juice targets the stain. Thoroughly flush with cool water.
5. Decorate on the cheap. Fill a glass bowl with lemons for a sunny centerpiece. Or display a row of them along a windowsill.
6. Relieve a sore throat. Cut a lemon in half. Skewer one half over a medium flame on a gas stove or an electric burner set on high and roast until the peel turns golden brown. Let cool slightly, then mix the juice with 1 teaspoon of honey. Swallow the mixture.
7. Whiten fingernails. Rub a wedge on the surface of your nails.
8. Shine the interior of copper cookware. Sprinkle a lemon wedge with salt, then scrub.
9. Brighten laundry whites. Add 1/2 cup lemon juice to the wash cycle of a normal-size load.
10. Remove soft cheese or other sticky foods from a grater. Rub both sides of the grater with the pulp side of a cut lemon.
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otiang
5/20/2007 10:03:00 PM
Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica.

The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"
**
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed.
After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undresssed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill. "It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold,: the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
**
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push-ups and somersaults and limber himsself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.
Stanley said, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one,"

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.

All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might,
"Go back! Go back! He screamed. "It's a blow job!"
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otiang
5/21/2007 8:29:00 PM
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. She carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic..."
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innok
5/21/2007 8:48:00 PM
TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo.
Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw!
Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.

UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galing?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo


> Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
> Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are
beautiful).
> Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's the
"fuera"?
> Student: Fuera ka
>
>
> Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
> Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
> Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase.
Ang tinuro ni
ma'am, yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
>
>
> Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his
translator:
> Bush: Lets help one another.
> Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
> Bush: Let's strive together.
> Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
> Bush: Because in union there is strength.
> Erap: Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!
>
>
> Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni
mister, kiliti
niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
> Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
> Mister: Huh! Sige, tulog na, bukas ibibili kita.
>
>
> Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
> Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
> Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
> Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
> Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.
>
>
> Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
> Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50
contestants ng Ms.
Universe
> Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
> Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
>
>
> "There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
because it is.
> To do or not to is in the what, now or what else.
Without which
there never to you!"
> - Words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid
>
>
> TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
> GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
> TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
> GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga
idol ko.
>
>
>
> Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka Pare 2: Madali lang
> yan, pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo
>
> (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
> Pare 1: Di pa rin, eh
> Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
> Pare 1: Wala pa rin Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo
...pag hindi
ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!
>
>
> Sa isang ospital...
>
> Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
> Doc : Che-chemo lola.
> Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
>
>
> Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
> Biktima: Ikaw na bahala, pareho naman yan - walang
laman!
>
>
> Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang
syota? wala
ka pa bang napupusuan?
> Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

> Sa isang mumurahing airline:
> Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
> Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
> Stewardess: Yes or No lang....
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Leo Beligan
5/22/2007 8:18:00 PM
Source : On My Way Home
Below is the statement given by Martin Bautista at his blog
The election is over. It is time to examine, and to both skeptics and sympathizers alike, explain my participation in it.
I gave up a flourishing medical practice in America, joined Kapatiran and ran for the Senate because I wanted not merely to prove a point, but to live by it.
And the point is this: we can change our country, help our people, not by talking or theorizing but by actually doing something about it. One cannot simply make a statement. He must apply it in his life, by example, by involvement, by action. Our political campaign was such a statement.
Did we succeed? We did not get enough votes for a seat in the senate. But we did get the attention of the electorate and, more importantly, we made people aware of alternative solutions, better political options.
We demonstrated that it is possible to conduct an open, honest, vigorous campaign on programs, not personalities.
We showed that there is no need for false promises, political gimmickry, immoderate spending; but that there is a need for continuing communication, defending and justifying our positions and priorities.
Our fundamental premise is this: Politics is not a means of livelihood. It is not an economic investment that will pay off in future material gain. Politics is a way of giving, of sharing, of helping. It is not soliciting support but providing it. It is not about rendering service in the senate when elected, but rendering service now, in the present, in this time and place, in one's capacity as a candidate, a citizen, a Filipino of compassion.
If we have, even in a small, tentative way, we have redefined politics in the Philippines, then we have been fully recompensed for our efforts. The accomplishments of our greatest heroes cannot be judged in the simplistic terms of triumph or defeat. Like Burgos, Gomez and Zamora, the Kapatiran candidates won no instant victory. But they achieved a beginning, advanced the cause for reform, and awakened a hope that such reform is possible.
A personal note of accountability. We received donations from many sectors of society. Added to our own private contribution to the campaign, the total amount exceeded our modest campaign expenses. The balance we shall turn over to Gawad Kalinga in accordance with our conviction that politics is not an enterprise for profit.
Finally I wish to extend my sincere appreciation to all the men and women of goodwill who stand with us in the common belief in a Filipino future. Maraming salamat sa inyong lahat.

Martin D Bautista, MD
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otiang
5/24/2007 6:25:00 AM
Toto : Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy : Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto : Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

Dok : May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan : Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok : Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan : Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok : Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Different prayers of single women...
At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18: Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50: Lord, give me sinoMA N.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.

Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer : Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

Do you know INNER ROW?
What is INNER ROW?
Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow...

Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis
na may katalik na lalaki sa kama ...
Misis : (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister : Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis : GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!

Misis : Dok, kumusta ho ang asawa ko?
Dok : Sorry, po. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapaligo at magpapakain sa kanya, kasi, putol na ang kanyang
mga kamay at paa...
Misis : HAH?! HINDI NGA?!
Dok : He! He! He! Ninerbyos kayo, 'no?! Joke lang!
Patay na siya!

Lesson:
"The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.
Laughter releases one's mind from depression and turns it toward
goals, dreams, and triumphs."

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Aster
5/24/2007 6:20:00 PM


An American businessman stood at the pier of a small coastal village in Mexico, when a small boat carrying a lone Mexican fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked, “If it took only a little while to catch these fine fish, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The fisherman explained that this catch was enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman replied, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, and stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you would run your expanding enterprise.”

The fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?”

The American replied, “Fifteen to twenty years.”

“But what then, señor?” inquired the Mexican. The American laughed and said, “That's the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?” asked the Mexican.

The American said, “Why, then you would retire, of course—move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, and stroll into the village in the evenings, where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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Leo Beligan
5/24/2007 9:22:00 PM
Subject: FW: Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, " Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral is Tuesday morning at 10:00
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2007 6:49:00 PM
Subject: Fwd: What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee?!What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee?! The British: Will throw the cup into the street and leave the coffee shop for good. The American: Will get the insect out and drink the coffee. The Chinese: Will eat the insect and drink the coffee. The Israeli will: Sell the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese. Cry on all media channels that he feels insecure. Accuse the Palestinians, Hizb Allah, Syria and Iran of using germ-weapons. Keep on crying about anti-Semitism and violations of human rights. Ask the Palestinian President to stop planting insects in the cups of coffee.. Re-occupy the West Bank, Gaza Strip. Demolish houses, confiscate lands, cut water and electricity from Palestinian houses and randomly shoot Palestinians. Ask the United States for urgent
military support and a loan of one million dollars in order to buy a new cup of coffee. Ask the United Nations to punish the coffee-shop owner by making him offer free coffee to him till the end of the century. Last but not least, accuse the whole world to be standing still, not even sympathizing with the Israeli Nation.
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otiang
5/27/2007 8:14:00 PM
MEMORIAL DAY U.S.A.

Let us take a minute to remember the
brave men and women of the Armed
Forces, who have served and those
that are serving to keep us
free.

They are willing to give their all, and
even to die if necessary to preserve
this land of liberty.

Men and women who must leave friends and family
to proctect ordinary citizens like you and me.

They give up the comfort of a nice warm bed
and may not even have a roof over their head.

They sit in strange places and eat their daily ration
always on call to protect our nation.

There may not be a whole lot that we can do
But we certainly can take the time to say
THANK YOU ! ! !
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otiang
5/27/2007 8:14:00 PM
MEMORIAL DAY U.S.A.

Let us take a minute to remember the
brave men and women of the Armed
Forces, who have served and those
that are serving to keep us
free.

They are willing to give their all, and
even to die if necessary to preserve
this land of liberty.

Men and women who must leave friends and family
to proctect ordinary citizens like you and me.

They give up the comfort of a nice warm bed
and may not even have a roof over their head.

They sit in strange places and eat their daily ration
always on call to protect our nation.

There may not be a whole lot that we can do
But we certainly can take the time to say
THANK YOU ! ! !
  Top   |  Bottom

otiang
5/27/2007 8:14:00 PM
MEMORIAL DAY U.S.A.

Let us take a minute to remember the
brave men and women of the Armed
Forces, who have served and those
that are serving to keep us
free.

They are willing to give their all, and
even to die if necessary to preserve
this land of liberty.

Men and women who must leave friends and family
to proctect ordinary citizens like you and me.

They give up the comfort of a nice warm bed
and may not even have a roof over their head.

They sit in strange places and eat their daily ration
always on call to protect our nation.

There may not be a whole lot that we can do
But we certainly can take the time to say
THANK YOU ! ! !
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Leo Beligan
5/29/2007 9:22:00 PM
DO:
Begin each day with a promise to respect others
Sit down and talk quietly
Listen carefully to what others say
Look for things to appreciate in others
Give praise out loud for the good you see in others
Tell others they are good, good enough, and lovable
Tell others they are worthwhile and important to you
Speak in a quiet voice even when you disagree
Pass up chances to insult, attack, or criticize
Let others have responsibility for their lives while you take responsibility for yours
DON'T:
Look for things to criticize
Make fun or laugh at others
Make faces or roll your eyes
Tell others how to run their lives
Insult others
Ignore others
Put people down in front of others
Act superior
Sneer
Tell others they're weird or crazy
Say others are bad, not good enough, or unlovable
Say others don't belong, or you wish they were dead
Call others names like fat, ugly, stupid, or worthless
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Leo Beligan
6/1/2007 7:43:00 PM
Subject: An old but amusing one
>
>
>> Tonto & The Lone Ranger
>> The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After
>> they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
>> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
>> look towards sky, what you see?"
>> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
>> "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
>> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
>> speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
>> billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
>> Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
>> Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
>> and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a
>> beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
>> Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
>> buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."
>>
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Leo Beligan
6/2/2007 6:30:00 AM
Subject: The Russian Wife


;

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)












What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to whatever you were doing...
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MILIG
6/3/2007 9:41:00 PM
Married for a Night

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Leo Beligan
6/4/2007 9:02:00 PM
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.
Laughing at someone else's can shorten it!

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper.
It doesn't permanently solve any problems,
but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away
the cobwebs of the heart.

Laughter is the jam on the toast of life;
it adds flavour, keeps it from becoming too dry,
and makes it easier to swallow.
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Leo Beligan
6/5/2007 10:05:00 PM
The Importance of Showing Appreciation
>> By: Family First Staff
>> According to Josh McDowell, "When we express appreciation to young
>> people, we give them a sense of significance." And this appreciation
>> is one of the cornerstones of connecting to our children.
>> McDowell goes on to state that: "Our acceptance of young people tells
>> them that their being matters. Expressing our appreciation to them
>> says that their doing matters too. Appreciation gives people a sense
>> of significance -- feeling that they are valued and that their
>> accomplishments do make a difference to someone."
>> McDowell encourages parents to show appreciation for their children
>> not only for the sake of their children's self-esteem, but for
>> improving discipline in the home, as well. He says, "The more you
>> praise your young people for what they are doing right, the less you
>> have to criticize and discipline them for doing something wrong."
>> Many parents struggle with finding the right words to say or knowing
>> what to praise. McDowell says, "It isn't a matter of not being able to
>> find things to appreciate about your kids; it's about disciplining
>> yourself to speak up and tell your kids what you see -- to give them
>> honest praise for their effort." He offers several practical examples:
>> "Thank you for getting your homework done on time."
>> "I appreciate it when you take your dirty dishes to the sink after we
>> eat."
>> "Thank you for putting the car in the garage for me without being
>> asked."
>> "I appreciate you for spending time with your little sister when you
>> wanted to be out with your friends."
>> However, McDowell throws in a bit of caution. "Unless your young
>> people are absolutely convinced that you accept them for who they are,
>> your praise and appreciation can become manipulative. Appreciation
>> without acceptance may prompt a student to relate to you on a
>> performance basis." While giving praise is necessary to your child's
>> well-being, make sure they also feel secure and accepted for who they
>> are. They need to know you will love them whether they succeed or not.
>> This article is based on the book, The Disconnected Generation, by
>> Josh McDowell.
>>
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innok
6/5/2007 10:06:00 PM


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it is worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One USA leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's not a big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
One hundred people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING-UP)


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand the criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive and caring?
Because these men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Bear Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Bear Nuts are one dollar, and Deer Nuts are always under a Buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did JO Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo,"

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because Tuesdays and Thursdays the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (JUST GREAT STUFF)


What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with......"a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell...."BINGO."

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ...A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit........"

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


I do not make them up. I just pass them on.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
6/7/2007 6:58:00 AM
FW: "Euro-English"



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
6/7/2007 8:31:00 PM
THE BETTER SIDE OF THE PHILIPPINES
> The following was written by INTEL General Manager Robin Martin about the Philippines:
>
> Filipinos (including the press, business people and myself) tend to dwell too much on the negative side, and this affects the perception of foreigners, even the ones who have lived here for a while. The negative perception of the Philippines is way disproportionate to reality when compared to countries like Columbia, Egypt, Middle East, Africa, etc.
>
> Let us all help our country by balancing the negative with the positive especially when we talk to foreigners, whether based here or abroad. Looking back and comparing the Philippines today and 1995 (the year I came back), I was struck by how much our country has progressed physically.
>
> Consider the following:
>
> 1. The great telecom infrastructure that we have now did not exist in 1995. 1995 was the year the telecom industry was deregulated. Since then billions of dollars have been invested in both fixed line and cellular networks producing a system with over 5,000 km. of fiber optic backbone at a world competitive cost. From a fixed line capacity of about 900,000 in 1995 we now have over 7 million. Cellular phones practically did not exist in 1995; now we have over 11 million line capacity.
>
> 2. The MRT, many of the EDSA flyovers (including the Ayala Avenue flyover), the SKYWAY, Rockwell and Glorietta 4, the Fort, NAIA terminal 2 and most of the new skyscrapers were not yet built in 1995.
>
> 3. If you drive to the provinces, you will notice that national roads are now of good quality (international quality asphalt roads). I just went to Iba, Zambales last week and I was impressed that even a not so frequently traveled road was of very good quality.
>
> 4. Philippine exports have increased by 600% over the past eight years. There are many, many more examples of progress over the last eight years. Philippine mangoes are now exported to the US and Europe.
>
> Additional tidbits to make our people prouder:
>
> 1. INTEL has been in the Philippines for 28 years. The Philippines plant is where Intel's most advanced products are launched, including the Pentium IV. By the end of 2002, Philippine operations became Intel's biggest assembly and testing operations worldwide.
>
> 2. TEXAS INSTRUMENTS has been operating in Baguio for over 20 years. The Baguio plant is the largest producer of DSP chips in the world. DSP chips are the brains behind cell phones. TI's Baguio plant produces the chip that powers 100% of all NOKIA cell phones and 80% of Erickson cell phones in the world.
>
> 3. TOSHIBA laptops are produced in Santa Rosa, Laguna.
>
> 4. If you drive a BENZ, BMW, or a VOLVO, there is a good chance that the ABS system in your car was made in the Philippines.
>
> 5. TREND-MICRO, makers of one of the top anti virus software PC-Cillin (I may have misspelled this) develops its "cures" for viruses right here in Eastwood Libis, Quezon City. When a virus breaks in any computer system in the world, they try to find a solution within 45 minutes of finding the virus.
>
> 6. Today a majority of the top ten U.S. Call Center firms in the U.S. have set up operations in the Philippines. This is one area in which I believe we are the best in the world in terms of value for money.
>
> 7. America Online (AOL) has 1,000 people in Clark answering 90% of AOL's global e-mail inquiries.
>
> 8. PROCTOR & GAMBLE has over 400 people right here in Makati (average age 23 years) doing back-up office work to their Asian operations including finance, accounting, Human Resources and payments processing.
>
> 9. Among many other things it does for its regional operations network in the Asia-Pacific region here in Manila, CITIBANK also does its global ATM programming locally.
>
> 10. This is the first year ever that the Philippines will be exporting cars in quantity courtesy of FORD Philippines. (I have an idea this article was written between 2001 - 2002, so this operation should have been on-going for the last 3 years or so. CYN)
>
> 11. The government is shedding off graft and corruption slowly but surely. This is the first time in our history that a former president is in jail and facing charges of plunder. Despite all odds, we are still pursuing the ill-gotten wealth of Marcos now enjoyed by his unrepentant heirs.
>
> Next time you travel abroad and meet business associates tell them the good news. A big part of our problem is perception and one of the biggest battles can be won simply by believing and by making others believe. This message is shared by good citizens of the Philippines who persevere to hope and work for our country.
  Top   |  Bottom

oyasan
6/7/2007 8:39:00 PM
GOD BLESS AMERICA

This was sent to me in an Email
SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT.



I think everyone on this planet needs to read
this. This was sent by a 78 yr old former nun. the
thoughts are pure and we all understand the point....

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
There are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some
native Americans, need to understand.

First of all, it is not our responsibility to
continually try not to offend you in any way. This
idea of America being a multi cultural community has
served only to dilute our sovereignty and our
national identity.
As Americans, we have our own culture, our own
society, our own language, and our own lifestyle.
This culture, called the "American Way" has been
developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and
victories by millions of men and women who have
sought freedom.
Our forefathers fought, bled, and died at
places such as Bunker Hill, Antietam, San Juan, Iwo
Jima, Normandy, Korea, Vietnam...
We speak English, not Spanish, Arabic,
Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society
- learn our language!"
In God We Trust" is our national motto. This
is not some off-the-wall, Christian, Right Wing,
political slogan - it is our national motto. It is
engraved in stone in the House of Representatives in
our Capitol and it is printed on our currency. We
adopted this motto because Christian men and women,
on Christian principles, founded this nation and
this is clearly documented throughout our
history. If it is appropriate for our motto to be
inscribed in the halls of our highest level of
Government, then it is certainly appropriate to
display it on the walls of our schools.
God is in our pledge, our National Anthem,
nearly every patriotic song, and in our founding
documents. We honor His birth, death, and
resurrection as holidays, and we turn to Him in
prayer in times of crisis. If God offends you, then
I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home, because God is part of our culture
and we are proud to have Him.

We are proud of our heritage and those who
have so honorably defended our freedoms. We
celebrate Independence Day, Memorial Day, Veterans
Day, and Flag Day. We have parades, picnics, and
barbecues where we proudly wave our flag.
As an American, I have the right to wave my
flag, sing my national anthem, quote my national
motto, and cite my pledge whenever and wherever I
choose. If the Stars and Stripes offend you, or you
don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously
consider a move to another part of this planet.
The American culture is our way of life, our
heritage, and we are proud of it. We are happy with
our culture and have no desire to change, and we
really don't care how you did things where you came
from. Like it or not, this is our country, our
land, and our lifestyle.
Our First Amendment gives every citizen the
right to express his
opinion about our government, culture, or
society, and we will allow you every opportunity to
do so. But once you are done complaining, whining,
and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national
motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you
take advantage of one other great American freedom:
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!

Another thing: To those who do complain about
the usage of words like 'God' and 'American' and
speaking the language of our great nation, TRY GOING
TO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND SPEAK AGAINST WHAT YOU DON'T
LIKE. YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY END UP JAILED OR
EVEN KILLED.
In America, you take your right to complain
for granted. The more patriotism that is removed
from where our children are taught, the less our
children will learn about what it is to be an
American and our nation's spirit will slowly be
taken away.
If you agree, pass this on to other Americans!!
It is time to take a stand!!
God Bless America and our Military and
Veterans!!!
  Top   |  Bottom

otiang
6/9/2007 8:12:00 AM
Eto tawanan naman tayooooooo.. ...
> u will really laugh!! i did!
>
>
> Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
> Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
> Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa
> klase. Ang
> tinuro ni ma'am ung
> katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
>
>
>
> Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his
> translator:
> Bush: Lets help one another.
> Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
> Bush: Let's strive together.
> Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
> Bush: Because in union there is strength.
> Erap: Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!
>
>
> Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni
> mister, kiliti niya sa
> leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
> Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
> Mister: Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.
>
>
> Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
> Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
> Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
> Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
> Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.
>
>
> Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
> Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50
> contestants
> ng Ms. Universe
> Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
> Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
>
>
> "There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
> because it is.
> To do or not to is in the what, now or what else.
> Without which there never to you!"
> - Words of wisdom from Senator Lito
> Lapid
>
>
> TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
> GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
> TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
> GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga
> idol
> ko.
>
> A variation of the above:
> Erap writing on a slum book:
> Favorite Actor:
> Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
> Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
> Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
> Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
> Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
> Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
> Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
> Arnold Clavio
>
>
> Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak
> mo?
> Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan
> walang laman!
>
>
> Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka
> pang
> syota? wala ka pa bang
> napupusuan?
> Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
> (nyahahahaha! )
>
>
> Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
> Guro: Ano 'to?
> Estudyante: Prayers ko po, ma'am!
> Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
> Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!
> Yahoooooo!!!
>
> Sa isang mumurahing airline:
> Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
> Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
> Stewardess: Yes or No lang po
>
>
> Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako
> masuka
> Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo
> tonsils mo
> (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
> Pare 1: Di pa rin e
> Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
> (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
> Pare 1: Wala pa rin
> Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig
> mo ...
> (pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko
> na!!!!!)
>
>
> Sa isang ospital...
>
> Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa
> akin?
> Doc : Che-chemo lola.
> Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
>
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
6/9/2007 10:23:00 PM
**The 1st Affair**
>> >
>> > A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>> > One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>> > Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
>> > The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>>
>> > and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
>> >
>> > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>> > "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
>> > secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>> > She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
>> > You've been playing golf!"
>> >
>> >
>> > *The 2nd Affair*
>> >
>> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
>> > about having a son.
>> > They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>> > The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
>> > father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at
>> > the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way
>> > I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters
>> > I
>>
>> > fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
>> >
>> >
*The 3rd Affair
>> > *
>> > A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
>> > Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>> > Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
>> > to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
>> > for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
>> > took it home "I have something to show you, you won't believe," he
>> > said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>> > "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>> >
>> > *
The 4th Affair*
>> >
>> > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>> > the front door.
>> > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>> > She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>> > "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>> > "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>>
>> > so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went
>> > bed.
>> > Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
>> > a sandwich and a beer.
>> > "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
>> > days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>> >
>> > *
The 5th Affair*
>> >
>> > A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>> > "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>> > He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and
>> > a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?"
>> > exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
>>bartender
>> > replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
>> > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>> > The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>>here."
>> >
>> > *
The 6th Affair*
>>
>>
>> > *Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
>> > weakly: "I have something I must confess."
>> > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, * *"I
>> > want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
>>
>> > best friend, and your mother!"
>> > "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."*
  Top   |  Bottom

oyasan
6/10/2007 11:40:00 PM


Note: forwarded message attached.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Choose the right car based on your needs. Check out Yahoo! Autos new Car Finder tool.

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Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:42:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: VIRGILIO BANGGAO
Subject: Fwd: Mga Benepisyo ng mga Senador
To: asa andres ,
MARTES WILBERT ,
elisa dangpalan ,
REMEDIOS HOLMES , DANIEL ROCA ,
ramon tudayan , remy holmes ,
Renante Bolinget ,
zorayda tactacan , "Dr. Mary" ,
kathleen galang ,
"VILLAMOR P. BADDI" ,
Don Marius Collo ,
NESTOR DE GUZMAN ,
MARIVIC FERNANDEZ ,
Manolito Gaspar , BELBEN GASPAR ,
joy baguso , kakitongan@yahoogroups.com,
lanie cubao , cool_deric@yahoo.com,
Norelyn Macadangdang
MIME-Version: 1.0
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Hi everybody,

This is shocking. Now I (you) know. How are you guys
at Kakitongan? Sapay koma ta mabuya-buyag so am-in.
Instead of saying matago-tago tako, Lidlidda has its
own version. Ito nga MABUYA-BUYAG. Correct or wrong?
he he he......

AQ


____________________________________________________________________________________
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Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2007 03:35:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: MENDOZA NENITA
Subject: Fwd: Mga Benepisyo ng mga Senador
To: leo
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Note: forwarded message attached.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2007 11:08:45 +0300
From: "Ronaldo Celestino"
To: "MENDOZA NENITA"
Subject: Fwd: Mga Benepisyo ng mga Senador
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Subject: FW: Mga Benepisyo ng mga Senador

ANG SARAP MAGING SENADOR!


Maganda rin naman ang naidudulot ng pagiging prangka ni Senador Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Ayon kay Santiago, marami ang tumatakbong Senador dahil sa laki ng budget na ibinibigay sa kanila kada buwan.

Lumalabas na P35,000 suweldo nila kada buwan ay pakitang-tao lang sa milyun-milyong budget ng bawat senador. Kada buwan ay may Fixed Monthly Budget ang bawat Senador ng humigit-kumulang P2 Milyon.

Sa opisina pa lang nila ay humigit-kumulang P500,000 and budget nila sa Maintenance and Operating Expenses (Rental, Utilities, Supplies at Domestic Travels) at P500,000 para sa Staff at Personal expenses. Kaya para makatipid ang ibang Senador, kaunti lang ang staff na kinukuha nila. Nagtataka ka pa kung bakit mayroong mga Ghost Employee?

Bukod diyan, may P760,000 allowance pa sila kada buwan para naman sa Foreign Travel. At ang masakit pa nito, hindi na kailngan i-liquidate ang mga resibo ng mga gastusin 'yan kundi Certification lang ang Requirement.

Heto pa, lahat sila ay Chairman ng mg Komite sa Senado. Ang Committee Chairman ay tumatanggap din ng budget na sinlaki ng tinatanggap ng mga Senador na humigit-kumulang P1 Milyon din! Hindi sila mawawalan ng Komite dahil 24 lang ang ating mga Senador at 37 naman ang Committee sa Senado. There's food for everybody 'ika nga! Lumalabas na doble ang kanilang benepesiyo at kita kapag sila ay nabiyayaan ng Committee Chairmanship.

Sa P200 milyon na Budget para sa Pork Barrel ng mga Senador bawat taon, awtomatikong may 10% na S.O.P. o kita ng Senador na P20 milyon. Ito ang porsiyento na ibinibigay ng mga kontratista sa mga Senador na nagbibigay sa kanila ng mga Infrastructure at Livelihood Project.

Bago matapos ang termino ng isang Senador, kumita na siya ng P100 milyon sa Pork Barrel pa lang. Yung ibang Senador mas gahaman, hindi lang 10% kundi 20 - 30% ang komisyon hinihingi sa mga kontratista.

Pansinin niyo na lang ang pagbabago ng buhay ng ilan sa ating mga Senador simula nang manungkulan sa puwesto. K
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Leo Beligan
6/12/2007 8:56:00 PM
The Blonde's Bad Day at Work

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, and that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

"How horrible!" said the friend, "What did you do?"

The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
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oyasan
6/13/2007 7:39:00 AM
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river.


"Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in
about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.


After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO
CAN HANDLE IT.

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oyasan
6/14/2007 10:02:00 AM
DELIKADO GAYAM IDIAY SAUDI:

Friday, June 15, 2007


Palace says it wasn’t informed of beheading

By Sam Mediavilla, Reporter

Malacañang said on Thursday that it had not been informed beforehand that a Filipino would be beheaded in Saudi Arabia.

Filipino worker Reynaldo Cortez was executed earlier this week after he was convicted of killing a Pakistani taxi driver in May 2002.

Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita told DZRH radio the news of the beheading “surprised us. I only learned about the execution just now.”

He said the executive department would call for the review of existing guidelines and policies of the Department of Foreign Affairs regarding cases of Filipino workers convicted of murder.

Thirty-two Filipinos are reportedly awaiting execution in Saudi jails.

Ermita cited the case of Sarah Dematera who was convicted for murdering her employer in 1992 but was pardoned by the victim’s family after she had completed the payment of blood money through the assistance of Philippine government.

In Sri Lanka, a Filipino aid worker has been shot and wounded as he strolled along a beach in front of his hotel Wednesday night.

Antonio Villeomour, of the US charity Mercy Corps, was being treated at Colombo’s National Hospital, spokeswoman Pushpa Soysa said.


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Juror No. 1
6/14/2007 1:46:00 PM
The letter below is a letter from one Ermita bar girl to another bar girl whose boyfriend she apparently stole........

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I'm thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house what time he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met you iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very, very, very fat body but you hate it you thoughth you're the most prettiest girls he know about what do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the rigth to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names before iether in front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I'm don't have any other choice but to called you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I'm am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.


FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.

Ps. You say that I'm the bad breathe
But who is Dennis want to kissed.
Me or you? You or me?
And the final is me.



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Leo Beligan
6/15/2007 3:10:00 PM
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
>>teachers, went on a field trip to the local (Kenturcky Derby) racetrack to
>>learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
>>mostly to see the horses.
>>
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
>>that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
>>other.
>>The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
>>one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
>>urinal.

>> Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
>>and began hoisting the little boys up one by one helping by directing their wee
wees to direct the flow.
>> As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
>>well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
>>"You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
>>seventh.

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Leo Beligan
6/15/2007 3:20:00 PM
Subject: oxygen jok!!!
>Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:06:56 +0100 (BST)
>
>Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle.
>
>Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim,
>Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa.
>Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging
>malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas
>siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.
>
>Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko
>siya sa pagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama
>dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan sa kanyang
>malalapit na kamag-anak.
>
>Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko
>maintindihan.
>
>Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan
>nang umuwi. Maiwan daw muna ako at pakibantayan ang
>kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyang mga
>kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa gawing
>kaliwa ng kama ng kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga
>iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng
>magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay
>biglang nangisay ang matanda.
>
>Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang
>kanyang palad at paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng
>wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan.
>
>"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"...
>"Di ta guae yong khee"..
>paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng
>hininga.
>
>Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama.
>Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay
>tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang ama.
>Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon
>na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko.
>
>Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin
>uli ang kanyang mga kamag-anak.
>
>Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi..
>tinawagan ko ang iba pa naming kabarkada. Una kong
>tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel
>mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin
>ng "Di ta guae yong khee".
>
>"Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba
>narinig 'yan?"
>

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Poster
6/15/2007 7:54:00 PM
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor...
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my pussy."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
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oyasan
6/16/2007 9:30:00 AM
"Without God, there is no virtue because there's no prompting of the conscience. Without God, we're mired in the material, that flat world that tells us only what the senses perceive. Without God, there is a coarsening of society. And without God, democracy will not and can not long endure. If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."


-Ronald Reagan
US President

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Leo Beligan
6/16/2007 9:39:00 AM
The Graduation Gift Story
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it,
he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation,
his father called him into his private study.

His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible,
with the young man's name embossed in gold.

Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said,
"With all your money you give me a Bible?"
And stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go visit him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day.
Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away,
and willed all of his possessions to his son.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden
Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java. sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible,
just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse,

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible.

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Leo Beligan
6/16/2007 7:04:00 PM
>Subject: Who is Barack Obama
> >
> >Thought you would find this interesting...
> > Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born
>in
> >Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black Muslim from
> >Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white atheist from
> >Wichita,Kansas. Obama's
> > >>>>> parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years
> >old, his parents divorced. His father Returned to Kenya. His mother
>then
> >married Lolo Soetoro, a radical Muslim From Indonesia. When Obama was
>6
> >years old, the family relocated to Indonesia. Obama attended a Muslim
> >school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.
> >Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim.
> > He Is quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he
> >also attended Catholic school." Obama's political handlers are
>attempting
> >to make it appear that Obama's introduction to Islam came via his
> >father, and that this influence was temporary
> >at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya Soon after the
> >divorce, and never again had any direct influence over His son's
> >education. Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann
> >Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam.
> >Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta. Wahabism is the
>radical
> >teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging
> >Jihad against the western world.
> >Since it is politically expedient to be a Christian when seeking
> >Major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has
>joined
> > the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim
> >background. Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected
> >presidential candidacy.
> >Please forward to everyone you know. The Muslims have said they plan on
> >destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at
> >the highest level.
> >
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Leo Beligan
6/16/2007 8:14:00 PM
FROM MISME : A BOX OF KISSES
Some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he was furious when the child tried to decorate a box.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

He yelled at her,"Don't you know when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it? The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."


The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for many years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family or God. Even our pets!

There is no more precious possession anyone could hold than love.
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Leo Beligan
6/17/2007 12:00:00 PM
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no
idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the
hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Leo Beligan
6/17/2007 10:16:00 PM
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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Juror No. 1
6/18/2007 12:03:00 PM
Loved "poster's" joke about the Willie nelson tattoo! More.....
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Juror No. 1
6/18/2007 12:03:00 PM
Loved "poster's" joke about the Willie Nelson tattoo! More.....
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Juror No. 1
6/18/2007 12:05:00 PM
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass
it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing
on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, the to 50-lb
potato sacks.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sacks in each
hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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Juror No. 1
6/18/2007 12:07:00 PM
Today be my baby girls 18th birthday. I'm so glad that this be my
last child support payment ! Month after month, year after year,
all those payments !

So I calls my baby girl, LaKeesha, to comes to my house, and
when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over
to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be
gettin' from my ass, and I want you to come back and tell me the
'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious
to hear what she say. and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say
'bout that ?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the
'spression on yo face.
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Juror No. 1
6/18/2007 12:09:00 PM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
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Leo Beligan
6/18/2007 11:14:00 PM
A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.'

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

'She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

'Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion'.

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day.. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words 'Someday...' and 'One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... that I wanted to write

'One of these days'.

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not times enough at least, how much

I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives..

And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it ' One of these days ' , remember that 'One day' is far away... or might never come...

No matter if you're superstitious or not, spend some time reading it.

It holds useful messages for the soul.

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innok
6/20/2007 8:27:00 AM
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain" And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? ;And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower .
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otiang
6/21/2007 8:02:00 PM
Subject: Ropin'



One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"


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otiang
6/25/2007 5:40:00 PM
Winners Losers : From Kris to Ruffa to Gretchen( Desperate Housewives. Philippine Edition).
Or are we reaping some sort of a negative karma to deserve them?)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The month of June is a good time to review what transpired for the first six months of 2007. For this edition, Conventional Wisdom is focusing on showbiz-related matters instead of the usual politics (which in a way is also show-biz but ??for ugly people). Read on.

Kris Aquino. Loser. While she is the innocent one in the whole James-Hope brouhaha, Conventional Wisdom thinks that she could have handled the incident with more dignity and privacy. One wonders why this drama queen wants to inflict her day-to-day saga with the whole planet. From exaggerating her "life-threatening" pregnancy, to lambasting her husband in public ("O magsalita ka? Totoo naming pina-palayas na kita sa bahay a?"), to actually using Ninoy to promote a cake in her latest commercial. Kris' next endorsement should neither be beer nor pastries but laundry detergent for her unquenchable desire to always wash her very dirty underwear in public.

James Yap. Loser. One word : cad. As one writer succinctly said : "What do you expect from a provincial boy who suddenly became famous and wealthy?" The last time we witnessed a showbiz cad was during Gabby
Concepcion's time. James is now second in our list. Conventional Wisdom is giving them maximum of 3 years as a couple. Kris is starting to look more and more mature and matronic. James is still young. Give James sometime,
and after Hope - - Faith and Charity will spring forth.

Moral of the story. Smoking is bad for marriage: Kris had Philip, James had Hope. Conventional Wisdom can't take any more of this!!!

Ruffa Gutierrez / Annabelle Rama : The mother and daughter (MAD) team strikes again. From a filmfest scam that made it to CNN, to Brunie-yuki scandal that merited a senate hearing, and now, the falling out with Ylmaz
- - which is desperately being peddled out as Philippines vs. Turkey. Oppressor vs. Victim.

Ruffa Gutierrez: Loser. A desperate act from a has-been, middle-aged B-actress who is trying to make a come-back by capitalizing on whatever publicity that can be squeezed out from this split. From caterwauling one
minute "Hindi ko na kaya Kuya Boy!", to coyly saying the following week "Ligawan nya (Ylmaz) ulit ako" to having her born again baptism rites captured on cam and then heading off to Las Vegas the following week to relax and do damage control (about his marriage five years ago in Las Vegas). Ruffa, you're act is getting stale. You have become so predictable and boring.

Annabelle Rama. Winner. For always a character that she is. For being consistent in her act and for being our constant source of amusement. Conventional Wisdom almost fell off its chair when this motor-mouth fish-wife asked Dolly Ann to return the cosmetics she gave her and then, proceeded on by actually naming two unknown women on national television to pay their debts to her since she now has to take care of Ruffa and her grandchildren: "Hoy, so and so magbayad na kayo ng utang nyo sa akin dahil marami na akong papalamunin ngayon" or something to that effect.

Panalo talaga si Bisaya. I strongly suggest to PGMA that we give this woman a postion in the government preferably as Head of our National Defense. Asap.

Dolly Ann Carvajal. Winner and Loser. A lot of people don't like this woman. For one, she is not pleasing to the eye. Her gay son looks a lot better than she. And admit it or not, she became a writer thru her connections - mom and aunt. But being objective about the whole thing, Conventional Wisdom thinks that Dolly Ann is on the right this time. Why can't the mother and daughter (MAD) tandem just answer the questions posed by Dolly Ann? Why can't Annabelle stick to the issues instead of pointing out something we already know: how ugly Dolly Ann is.

What makes Dolly Ann a loser is her constant use of her departed mom's legacy and memory whenever someone would diss her out. Honey, stop hiding under the skirt of your mom. You are not a sacred cow.

Pia Guanio. Loser. What a lousy lousy interviewer. The depth of her talent as a host is as long as her irritating mini skirts. Do us a favor Pia, ask Bossing to marry you already and then fade into oblivion.

Gretchen Baretto. Loser. One word : Wow. The affectations of La Greta can only be matched by her delusions of grandeur. From the looks of it, she is experiencing the early on-set of a mid-life crisis. She has been picking fights left and right?with Lani Mercado, and then with Dawn Zulueta. From her classic statement about the looks of her own daughter: "Naaawa nga ako dahil karamihan ng tao ang sabi kay Dominique, kamukha sya
ng tatay nya?". And now the "friendly beso-beso" lip-lock with John Estrada. Please explain to Conventional Wisdom - - "How can this be a friendly kiss when you and John looked so orgasmic in that shot?

Gretchen is a classic example of "langaw na nakatungtong sa kalabaw, pero feeling mataas pa sa kalabaw." Someone should already tell this woman to seek professional help. Sober up and clean your act sister. You are no Paris Hilton. More like Plaster of Paris Hilton.

Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Manny Pacquiao, etc. - Losers. No further explanations needed.

Borgy Manotoc. Loser. Please. Please. From one scandal to the next. From one basag-ulo to the next. We have enough of you and your sap-sap mouth face. Will someone already put this psycho behind bars?

Butch Francisco and Dolly Ann as writers. Losers. Please don't waste precious newspaper space writing about personal stories that nobody (repeat, nobody!) finds interesting at all. From your maid's antics to your experience as a judge of Slimmers World Mr. and Ms. Ek ek, to a current love who inspires you. Please! A tree gave up its life to have these newspaper printed. Have I mentioned that nobody is interested?

Belo's Billboards. Loser. Hideous. Plain hideous. Whoever is advising Vicky (I can't call her Doctora Vicky because as Osang said, she was a mere aerobics instructor before) to put out all those monstrosities should be charged with Human Rights violations. From the disturbing Chrismas billboard last December, to Richard Gomez's billboard pre-campaign period, to Ai-ai's scary shot. Conventional Wisdom would rather stare at the billboards of Ellen's Beauty Salon (with Ellen as the model herself) than see these Belo ads.

Nora Aunor. Loser. To be a has-been superstar drug dependent in your fifties is bad enough. To be caught doing drugs in another country is worse. To be found-out to have married another woman many years ago for a US green-card is worst. Ate Guy is a classic example of a person blessed with so much talent and opportunity gone to waste.

Regine Velasquez & Ogie Alcasid. Losers. Regine is what ..... .nearing 40? As someone said "from her demeanor to her utterance, Regine is trying very, very, very hard to hold on to youth." And if I may add, failing miserably.
This home-wrecker who speaks with an American sleng-sleng should act her age. Seeing her kilig-reaction about the admission of
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Leo Beligan
6/27/2007 9:08:00 PM
Pinoy Haircut

There was this good old barber in a city in the United States.
One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he wanted to
pay the barber but the barber replied, "I don't accept money from you.
I'm doing community service." The florist was happy and left the
barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a "thank
you" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

The following day, a policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to
pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, "I don't accept
money from you. I'm doing community service."
The cop was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there is a "thank you"
card and a dozen freshly baked donuts waiting at his door.

On the third day, a Filipino software engineer went for a haircut. He
also wanted to pay the barber. But the barber also replied," I'm sorry.
I don't accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The
Filipino software engineer was happy and left.

The following morning when the barber opened his shop, he had a big
surprise! Guess what he found!




* * * * Can you guess?....




* * * * Do you know the answer yet?....




* * * * Come on, think like a Filipino....




* * * * O, sirit ka na ba?






There were a dozen FILIPINOS waiting for free haircuts ! ! ! ! ! !
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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:10:00 AM
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.


A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . And went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.


The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! And returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.




The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry... But, if it makes you sick...Why do
you keep doing it?


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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:11:00 AM
Carlos, a 'young' Filipino tourist on his first visit to London,
located the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam
asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola looks A bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Carlos. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for.

The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Carlos and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit,giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Carlos leans forward and whispers in her ear, ............................





Scroll down









"Can I pay in Philippine Pesos?"

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Juror No. 1
6/28/2007 11:17:00 AM
THE GREATEST ADVICE - The Purpose Driven Life

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
God is good all the time!

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Leo Beligan
6/28/2007 10:42:00 PM
JOSE & CARLOS ARE PANHANDLING ON THE STREET.

JOSE DRIVES A MERCEDES, LIVES IN A MORTGAGE FREE HOME AND HAS MONEY TO SPEND.

CARLOS ONLY BRINGS IN 2 TO 3 DOLLARS A DAY!



CARLOS ASKS JOSE HOW HE CAN BRING HOME A SUITCASE FULL OF $10.00 BILL EVERY DAY!

JOSE SAYS "LOOK AT YOUR SIGN. IT SAYS: I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE AND 6 KIDS TO SUPPORT."

CARLOS LOOKS AT JOSE'S SIGN.

IT READS: "I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10.00 TO MOVE BACK TO MY COUNTRY."

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oyasan
6/30/2007 7:30:00 AM
The Sandpiper
> by Robert Peterson
>
> She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I
live.
> I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the
world
>
> begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something

> and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
>
> "Hello," she said.
>
> I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small
child.
>
> "I'm building," she said.
>
> "I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
>
> "Oh , I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
>
> That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.
>
> A sandpiper glided by.
>
> "That's a joy," the child said.
>
> "It's a what?"
>
> "It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
>
> The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to
myself,
> hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed
> completely out of balance.
>
> "What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
>
> "Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."
>
> "Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
>
> "Hi, Wendy."
>
> She giggled. "You're funny," she said.
>
> In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.
> Her musical giggle followed me.
>
> "Come again, Mr. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
>
> The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA
meetings,
> and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my
hands
> out of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself,
gathering up my
> coat.
>
> The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was

> chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.

>
> "Hello, Mr. P," she said. " Do you want to play?"
>
> "What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
>
> "I don't know. You say."
>
> "How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
>
> The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."

>
> "Then let's just walk."
>
> Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.
> "Where do you live?" I asked.
>
> "Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
>
> Strange, I thought, in winter.
>
> "Where do you go to school?"
>
> "I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."
>
> She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my
mind was
> on other things. When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy
day.
>
> Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
>
> Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I
was in no
> mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and
felt
> like demanding she keep her child at home.
>
> "Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with
me,
> "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of
breath
>
> "Why?" she asked.
>
> I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought,
> My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
>
> "Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
>
> Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!"

>
> "Did it hurt?" she inquired.
>
> "Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
>
> "When she died?"
>
> "Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding,
> wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
>
>
> A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't
there.
> Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went
up
> to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking

> young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
>
> "Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl
today
> and wondered where she was."
>
> "Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much.
> I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance,
> please, accept my apologies."
>
> "Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing

> that I meant what I had just said.
>
> "Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia.
> Maybe she didn't tell you."
>
> Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
>
> "She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn 't say
no.
> She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy
days.
>
> But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." Her voice faltered,
"She
> left something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a
moment while I
> look?"
>
> I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely
young
> woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR. P" printed in bold

> childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a
yellow
> beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully
printed:
>
> A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY
>
>
> Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to
love
> opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so
sorry,
> I'm so sorry," I uttered over and over, and we wept together The
precious
> little picture is framed now and hangs in my study.
>
> Six words -- one for each year of her life -- that speak to me of
harmony,
> courage, and undemanding love.
>
> A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand
> -- who taught me the gift of love.
>
> _____
>
> NOTE: This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson. It happened
over 20
> years ago and the incident changed his life forever.
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oyasan
7/1/2007 7:33:00 AM
George Carlin's Views on Aging
>
> Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
>is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
>about aging that you think in fractions.
>
> "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
>half. You're four and a half, going on f ive! That's the key!!
>
> You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
> You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
>
> "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
>gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21.
>Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
>
> But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
>bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
>Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
>
> You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
>brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
>dreams are gone.
>
> But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!
>
> So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.
>
> You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
>day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
>
> You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
>you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
>you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
>
> Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
>little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
>
> May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
>
> HOW TO STAY YOUNG
> 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
>Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
> < BR>2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
>
> 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
>whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
>And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
>
> 4. Enjoy the simple things.
>
> 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
>
> 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who
>is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
>
> 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
>keepsakes , music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
> Your home is your refuge.
>
> 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
>improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
>
> 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
>county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
>
> 10. Tell the peopl e you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
>
> AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
> Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
>moments that take our breath away.
>

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Leo Beligan
7/1/2007 6:27:00 PM

another oldie...

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.


It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Leo Beligan
7/1/2007 8:40:00 PM
HOST: ilan taon na kayo, lolo? mananawagan ba kayo?
>
>LOLO: opo, 98 na po.
>
>HOST: wow, tanda nyo na pala, sige po manawagan na
>kayo.
>
>LOLO: kuya umuwi ka na. di na galit si daddy sayo.
>
>------------------
>
>Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
>Girl: Substitute po
>Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
>Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may
>sakit siya ako po yung substitute....
>
>------------------
>
>WIFE: Hon, paki-fix naman ilaw sa labas.
>
>HUSBAND: Hello?! Electrician ba 'ko?
>
>WIFE: Eh, di pakigawa na lang ng hagdan natin.
>
>HUSBAND: Hello?! Karpintero ba ako?
>
>(Umalis ang husband.. pagbalik nya,
>gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay)
>
>HUSBAND: Sinong gumawa?
>
>WIFE: Kanina may isang lalaki na nakakita sa
>akin umiiyak. Sabi ko andaming sira dito sa
>bahay. Then he offered either SEX or mag-BAKE
>ng cake kapalit ng trabaho..
>
>HUSBAND: So, pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
>
>WIFE: Hello?! Baker ba ako?
>
>--------------------------
>
>Bago mamatay si Mr. Wong ay isa-isa nyang tinawag ang
>kanyang pamilya.
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Junior: "Dito po!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Panganay: "Dito po!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Akyen anak na babae 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Anak: "Dito po!"
>
>"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?"
>
>Asawa: "Honey, andito ako!"
>
>Mr. Wong: "Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao
>tindahan!"
>
>
>----------------------------
>
>
>Most of these Japanese words are adopted by Filipino
>language.
>
>I'm warning you - makikitamo
>
>Where are we going? - San-batayo?
>
>Stewardees - Oto-san
>
>Is this your car? - Otomoto?
>
>This is my car - Otokoto
>
>Sugar daddy/mommy - Otooto
>
>Is this your property? - Arimoto?
>
>Yes, this is my property - Arikoto
>
>Is this yours? - Sayobato or sayoto?
>
>Is this mine? - Sakinbatu
>
>This is mine - Sakinitu
>
>Can I have it? - Akinato?
>
>You can have it - Sayonato
>
>Can we have it? - Saminato?
>
>You can have it - Sanyonato (plural)
>
>You haven't washed your face - Mimutamatamo
>
>You're so thin! - Kitanabutomo
>
>We saw each other - Kitakami
>
>We had reunion - Kitakitakami
>
>Have a drink before you go - Tomakamuna
>
>That was my assumption - Inakarako
>
>Let's go! - Bachinatayo!
>
>We will boycott the election - Dikamiboboto
>
>Underarm odor - Kirikiripawa
>
>Are you oppressed? - Minamatakaba?
>
>I give up - Sukonako
>
>Ouch! - Araiku!
>
>What life is this - Hainaku
>
>I'm going to leave you - Sawanakosayo
>
>Just take it! - Sayonarang!
>
>Skeleton - purobuto
>
>You look like your mom - kamukamumamamu
>
>You look like your dad - kamukamupapamu
>
>Ugly - kamukamu or kamukanya
>
>Pretty or handsome - kamukaku
>
>Full of monkey - kamukanyo
>
>Are you nervous? - kakabakabakaba?
>
>Are you a loyal customer? - sukikaba?
>
>Later - sakana
>
>I surrender - sukunako
>
>Just surrender - sukukanakasi
>
>Remember? - naaararamo?
>
>I remember - naaararako
>
>Go and work! - ararona!
>
>Can you see? - kitamoba?
>
>I told you - nakitamo?
>
>Let's go to your place - sanyotayo
>
>[di ba familiar ang japanese words From: Japayuks in
>Tokyo]
>
  Top   |  Bottom

oyasan
7/2/2007 1:51:00 PM
Thoughts to guide us by
By Elvie Punzalan-Estavillo
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
As we traverse the highway of life, unavoidably, we encounter twists and turns, humps and bumps. The ride sometimes is dizzingly fast, at other times grindingly slow. Even halting at times!

Take cover in our faith on the Almighty God — our infinite source of strength — when the ride is bumpy and gruelling.

And to lighten our load and ease our travel, spice it up by lots and lots of laughter. For laughter does us good like instant medicine — free and the best there is! It is an-easy-does-it therapy that can rev up our bodies, lift and sparkle our spirits, and buoy our hopes.

A light, happy heart prolongs life, and makes every day a great, happy day — for us and to people around us . . .

Peace and abundance to us all!!!

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Leo Beligan
7/2/2007 10:28:00 PM
Subject: I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a
Father." The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that." The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the
Father of many." The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest,
getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to
reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead
of your collar
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Leo Beligan
7/3/2007 9:52:00 PM
WE NEED TO TAKE LESSONS FROM THE AUSTRAILIANS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.



A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic s tate, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.



"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia : one the Australian law and another Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.



Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.



Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.



Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."



"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia . However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of Australia being a multi-cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as Australians, we have our own culture, our own socie ty, our own language and our own lifestyle."



"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"



"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society .. Learn the language!"



"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."



"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."



"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.



"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."



"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."



Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths !

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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 8:05:00 AM
Subject: STOP COMPARING

STOP COMPARING
By Bo Sanchez

We live in a pathologically dissatisfied world. And I'm going to tell
you why. Because we love to compare. Go around the world and discover
that people aren't happy with their bodies.

Filipinos want to be fair-complexioned like Westerners, and so buy
bleaching stuff. Westerners want to own bronzed bodies like ours, and so
purchase tanning lotions.

Those with moles have them removed, while those who don't strategically
implant beauty spots.

Some people want to shed a few pounds to look like Ally McBeal, while
others want to gain some baby fat to look like Drew Barrymore.

When are we ever going to stop and simply be happy with how we look?
We live in a sick world. I tell you. And that sickness is
comparisonitis. Take a look at wealth. When we drive our old Toyota, it
really suits us fine. We feel blessed in fact when the rain pours
outside and we feel snug and cozy on its faded upholstered seats.

But the moment we see our own officemate (or neighbor, or buddy, or
cousin, or brother) drive his sleek sky-blue, four-door,
four-wheel-drive Rav4, we automatically feel like third class children
of God.
Next time we drive our bumpy, noisy, rusted, dilapidated Toyota (notice
how all the defects come out all of a sudden?), we feel deprived,
dispossessed, pariah, debased, and only a little higher than the insects
of the earth.

Listen carefully. Bill Gates' total assets are worth $60 billion.
That's more than the GNP of some small countries. Tiger Woods earns $80
million simply by smiling on TV in a Nike shirt. And the stars of the
sitcom Friends are paid $50,000 per episode! My point? No matter how
hard you work, there'll still be some people who will be richer than you
are.

And there'll be some people who will be more beautiful, have more sex
appeal, have more boyfriends/girlfrie nds, and have more problems.
Try it for once. Stop looking around. Don't compare!

Don't compare her nose with your nose.
Don't compare his wife with your wife.
Don't compare his salary with your salary.
Don't compare her breast size with your breast size.
Don't compare her kid's report card with your kid's report card.
Don't compare his prayer group with your prayer group.
Don't compare her/his cellulite deposits with your cellulite deposits.

Stop comparing and start living and you'll be happier with your life.

This is crucial: The most difficult thing in the world is to be who you
are not. Pretending and trying to be someone else is the official
pastime of the human race. (I don't think dogs and cats and cows and
horses have this problem).

And the easiest thing in the world is to be yourself.
Be happy. Live!

There must be a reason why God made you tall or short or fat or thin or
bumpy all over.

Love who you are!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY ! ! !
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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 11:09:00 PM
**The 1st Affair**
>> >
>> > A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>> > One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>> > Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
>> > The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>>
>> > and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
>> >
>> > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>> > "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
>> > secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>> > She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
>> > You've been playing golf!"
>> >
>> >
>> > *The 2nd Affair*
>> >
>> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
>> > about having a son.
>> > They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>> > The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
>> > father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at
>> > the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way
>> > I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters
>> > I
>>
>> > fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
>> >
>> >
*The 3rd Affair
>> > *
>> > A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
>> > Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>> > Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
>> > to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
>> > for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
>> > took it home "I have something to show you, you won't believe," he
>> > said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>> > "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>> >
>> > *
The 4th Affair*
>> >
>> > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>> > the front door.
>> > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>> > She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>> > "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
>> > "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>>
>> > so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went
>> > bed.
>> > Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
>> > a sandwich and a beer.
>> > "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
>> > days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>> >
>> > *
The 5th Affair*
>> >
>> > A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>> > "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>> > He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and
>> > a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?"
>> > exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
>>bartender
>> > replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
>> > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>> > The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>>here."
>> >
>> > *
The 6th Affair*
>>
>>
>> > *Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
>> > weakly: "I have something I must confess."
>> > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, * *"I
>> > want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
>>
>> > best friend, and your mother!"
>> > "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."*
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Leo Beligan
7/4/2007 11:11:00 PM
JOKE, JOKE, JOKE TIME!

Miriam Santiago is the model of a watch

to be made jointly by Japan 's Seiko and

French's Patek Philippe.

The brand name of the watch is "SEIKOPATEK".

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?

JUAN: Pata!

PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?

JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento!



JINGGOY: Bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat?

PACQUIAO: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda..



ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi,

kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball.

DOCTOR: Sige halika may gamot ako para dyan.

ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!



AMO: Kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick,

bakit naubos agad?

MAID: Ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang

gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!



TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?

BOY#1: Naglaba mam!

TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?

BOY#2: Naglalaba!

TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE?

BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!



AMERICAN ENGLISH:

Eat All You Can,

don't be shy,

feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:

kain lang kayo ng kain,

walanghiya kayo,

pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!



ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :

1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.

2. Rats are normal house pets.

3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.

4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!




ENRIQUE ZOBEL: Half Filipino Half Spanish.

HENRY SY: Half Filipino Half Chinese.

JUAN FLAVIER: Half Filipino Half Igorot.

RAUL ROCO: Half Hawaiian Half Polo.

JOHN OSMENA: Half Filipino Half Filipina.

MIKE ARROYO: Half Filipino Half Pork.

AI AI DELAS ALAS: Half Filipino Half Moon.

GMA: Half...

TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?

Palaging may honor.

ANAK:Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.

TATAY: Bakit naman?

ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!



A song for our Honorable (DAW!) na

Congressmen and Senators,

Mayors and Governors:

"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,

BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,

KURAKOT, KURAKOT,

BOOM BOOM BOOM!"




INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?

PACQUIAO: Marami, kaso may problema.

INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?

PACQUIAO: Ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.




MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:

PRESIDENT- Pasimuno.

VICE PRESIDENT- Kunsitidor.

SECRETARY- Palsipikador.

TREASURER- Kubrador.

AUDITOR- Kasabwat.

PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- Tsismoso.

REPRESENTATIVES- Pahamak.

SPOKESMAN- Bolero.

SGT-AT-ARMS- Tirador.

ADVISER- Taga sulsol.

(mas tama di bah?)



JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata!

Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!



PACQUIAO: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San

Francisco ?

OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

PACQUIAO: Really? Thank you..

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia "



SA RESTORAN...

CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin,

kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!

WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan!

Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
7/5/2007 7:27:00 PM
Subject: Visa Application Ni Lolo
Date: Mon, 2 Jul 2007 12:58:25 +0800


This is a true story taken from one of the most read newspaper in the Philippines.

A 70-year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.
The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him. The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

"Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" The grandson translated.


"Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon."


"He said he wants to see his children there."


Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated.

The Consul had another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?"


The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko.
Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay."


(Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They've seen the
Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.")

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application "because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English."

"Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles."

The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko:

"Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?"

Translated, "He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?"

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo's visa application in pronto.

(Taken from The Philippine Star (newspaper), written by Boo Chanco)

Go LoLo...Mabuhay ang Pinoy!!!
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Leo Beligan
7/6/2007 9:03:00 PM

1. Regine Velasquez
Before: Down-to-earth songbird.
After: Alien-like diva.

2. Bernard Palanca
Before: Lanky member of "The Hunks"
After: A pregnant chunk of lard

3. Kim Delos Santos
Before: The cute-as-marshmallow s love interest of Dino Guevarra
After: The Marshmallow Woman / battered wife of Dino Guevarra

4. Aiza Seguerra
Before: Prodigious little girl
After: Talented little boy

5. Angelica Panganiban
Before: Photogenic missy
After: Photoshopped hussy

6. Jackielou Blanco
Before: Jackielou Blanco
After: Jackie Lou Ferrigno

7. Rosanna Roces
Before: Outspoken attention-whore
After: Outsized carbohydrates- whore

8. Rachel Lobangco
Before: Dark-skinned, mustached Shh-Boom girl
After: Bleached and waxed bombshell

9. Rustom Padilla
Before: Fair-skinned matinee idol.
After: Emaciated fairy doll.

Baka meron pa kayong madagdag?

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Leo Beligan
7/7/2007 10:59:00 PM
Subject: Judgement Granted



One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five I'll sue for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant, He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty-five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. "Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.

The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this: "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."

The Judge ruled in favor of the plaintiff.
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Leo Beligan
7/8/2007 2:41:00 PM
Subject: FW: Chicken

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said

"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!
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Leo Beligan
7/10/2007 6:03:00 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there

already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is"

Boy " I have a baseball."

Man "That's nice"

Boy "Want to buy it?"

Man "No, thanks"

Boy "My dad's outside..."

Man "O.K. - How much?"

Boy "$250"


< BR>In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the closet together.



"Boy "Dark in here"

Man ' Yes, it is."

Boy "I have a baseball glove"

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy "$750"

Man "Sold!"



A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go

outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy " $ 1,000"



The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...

that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you

to church and make you confess."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start t hat shit again, you're in my closet now."
=
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Dick Santos Suguitan
7/11/2007 5:27:00 AM
Q:if you G a Circle what is the answer? if U G A O?
A: IFUGAO

Q: why an Ilokano and Batangeno never allowed to get married?
A: They are both male

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 7:00:00 PM
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:08:00 PM
Work vs. Prison



Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.



@ PRISON
@ WORK

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

You get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

You get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

You can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

You get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

They allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies
you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!


Now get back to work.

You're not getting paid to check emails.

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:21:00 PM
Subject: Party Jokes



What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" a wife said to her husband.
"Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends."
"What?" she countered, "Until two in the morning?"
"Yes," he said. "We used night clubs."
**
How does a blond turn on the lights after sex?"
She opens the car door.
**
A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
**
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw a poor man and his family on
.the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Sir," the rich man said, "collect your family and bring them into the limo. You can eat at my estate
.tonight, and you can have your fill."
"Thank you for your kindness," the father said as the family entered the car.
"Think nothing of it," the rich man said. "We haven't mowed the lawn in a month."
**
When I am gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man said to his wife on his deathbed.
"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked . "You've hated him all your life."
"Still do," gasped the husband.

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Leo Beligan
7/11/2007 11:24:00 PM
Subject: Dear diary

Around before, but worth a second trip for a good laugh!







I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive
gentleman.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if
I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was
appalled.

_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
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MILIG
7/17/2007 6:42:00 AM
POSTED MWITHOUT PERMISSION FROM LJ


This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

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MILIG
7/17/2007 9:57:00 PM
PINOY CONTRACTOR"


Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for

my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, " What? You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high

figure?" How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy got the contract.
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in
the philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail.. In the Philippines , they go to the
U.S.
The three presidents in the Philippines

Q. What`s the difference among Cory, Gloria and Erap,

A. Cory can`t tell a lie

Gloria can`t tell the truth

Erap can`t tell the difference
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Leo Beligan
7/19/2007 5:59:00 AM
Dust if you Must

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?



Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.



Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.



Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.
author unknown

A house becomes a home when
you can write "I love you" on the furniture.
PASS THE DUST TO
all the wonderful people in your life!
I JUST DID
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Leo Beligan
7/20/2007 7:26:00 AM
Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two to get her.

After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home .

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his act ion made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday . The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply w ant to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a sol dier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is. "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear some thing red every Friday.

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Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 6:23:00 AM
Subject: Fw: (Tanglad) Lemon Grass


Fresh lemon grass

While I was undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer, my oncologist, Dr.
Cecilia Llave, suggested that I try tanglad (lemon grass) for a drink, a
tip she got from one of her patients.

That's what I have been doing the past three years. I don't know if tanglad
has something to do with it but so far I'm okay.

A few weeks ago, an article on the medicinal powers of tanglad went the
rounds of internet. There's no harm trying this. A bunch of tanglad is ten
centavos. Or you can plant it in your backyard for a steady supply.

The article is by Allison Kaplan Sommer:

"At first, Benny Zabidov, an Israeli agriculturalist
who grows greenhouses full of lush spices on a pastoral farm in Kfar
Yedidya
in the Sharon region, couldn't understand why so many cancer patients from
around the country were showing up on his doorstep asking for fresh lemon
grass.

"It turned out that their doctors had sent them.

"'They had been told to drink eight glasses of hot water with fresh
lemongrass steeped in it on the days that they went for their radiation and
chemotherapy treatments," Zabidov told ISRAEL21c. "And this is the place
you
go to in Israel for fresh lemon grass.'

"It all began when researchers at Ben Gurion University of the Negev
discovered last year that the lemon aroma in herbs like lemon grass kills
cancer cells in vitro, while leaving healthy cells unharmed.

"The research team was led by Dr. Rivka Ofir and Prof. Yakov
Weinstein, incumbent of the Albert Katz Chair in Cell-Differentiatio n and
Malignant Diseases, from the Department of Microbiology and Immunology at
BGU.

"Citral is the key component that gives the lemony aroma and taste in
several herbal plants such as lemon grass (Cymbopogon citratus), melissa
(Melissa officinalis) and verbena (Verbena officinalis. )

"According to Ofir, the study found that citral causes cancer cells to
'commit suicide: using apoptosis, a mechanism called programmed cell death.

"A drink with as little as one gram of lemon grass contains enough citral
to
prompt the cancer cells to commit suicide in the test tube.

"The BGU investigators checked the influence of the citral on
cancerous cells by adding them to both cancerous cells and normal cells
that
were grown in a petri dish. The quantity added in the concentrate was
equivalent to the amount contained in a cup of regular tea using one gram
of lemon herbs in hot water. While the citral killed the cancerous cells,
the normal cells remained unharmed.

"The findings were published in the scientific journal Planta Medica, which
highlights research on alternative and herbal remedies. Shortly afterwards,
the discovery was featured in the popular Israeli press.

"Why does it work? Nobody knows for certain, but the BGU scientists have a
theory.

"'In each cell in our body, there is a genetic program which causes
programmed cell death. When something goes wrong, the cells divide with no
control and become cancer cells. In normal cells, when the cell discovers
that the
control system is not operating correctly - for example, when it recognizes
that a cell contains faulty genetic material following cell division - it
triggers cell death," explains Weinstein. "This research may explain
the medical benefit of these herbs.'

"The success of their research led them to the conclusion that herbs
containing citral may be consumed as a preventative measure against certain
cancerous cells.

"As they learned of the BGU findings in the press, many physicians in
Israel
began to believe that while the research certainly needed to be explored
further, in the meantime it would be advisable for their patients, who were
looking for any possible tool to fight their condition, to try to harness
the cancer-destroying properties of citral.

"That's why Zabidov's farm - the only major grower of fresh lemon grass in
Israel - has become a pilgrimage destination for these patients. Luckily,
they found themselves in sympathetic hands. Zabidov greets visitors with a
large kettle of aromatic lemon grass tea, a plate of cookies, and a
supportive attitude.

"'My father died of cancer, and my wife's sister died young because of
cancer," said Zabidov. "So I understand what they are dealing with. And I
may not know anything about medicine, but I'm a good listener. And so they
tell me about their expensive painful treatments and what they've been
through. I would never tell them to stop being treated,
but it's great that they are exploring alternatives and drinking the lemon
grass tea as well."

"Zabidov knew from a young age that agriculture was his calling. At age 14,
he enrolled in the Kfar Hayarok Agricultural high school. After his army
service, he joined an idealistic group which headed south, in the Arava
desert region, to found a new moshav (agricultural settlement) called
Tsofar.

"'We were very successful; we raised fruits and vegetables, and," he notes
with a smile, "We raised some very nice children."

"On a trip to Europe in the mid-80s, he began to become interested in
herbs.


Israel , at the time, was nothing like the trend-conscious
cuisine-oriented country it is today, and the only spices being grown
commercially were basics like parsley, dill, and coriander.

"Wandering in the Paris market, looking at the variety of herbs and spices,
Zabidov realized that there was a great export potential in this niche. He
brought samples back home with him, "which was technically illegal," he
says
with a guilty smile, to see how they would grow in his desert greenhouses.

Soon, he was growing basil, oregano, tarragon, chives, sage, marjoram and
melissa, and mint just to name a few.

"His business began to outgrow his desert facilities, and so he decided to
move north, settling in the moshav of Kfar Yedidya, an hour and a half
north
of Tel Aviv. He is now selling "several hundred kilos" of lemon grass per
week, and has signed with a distributor to package and put it in health
food
stores.

"Zabidov has taken it upon himself to learn more about the properties of
citral, and help his customers learn more, and has invited medical experts
to his farm to give lectures about how the citral works and why.

"He also felt a responsibility to know what to tell his customers about its
see. 'When I realized what was happening, I picked up the phone and called
Dr. Weinstein at Ben-Gurion University , because these people were asking
me
exactly the best way to consume the citral. He said to put the loose grass
in hot water, and drink
about eight glasses each day.'

"Zabidov is pleased by the findings, not simply because it means business
for his farm, but because it might influence his own health. "Even before
the news of its benefits were demonstrated, he and his family had been
drinking lemon grass in hot water for years, 'just because it tastes
good.'"

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tabukol
7/21/2007 8:12:00 AM
Adda produkto iti Japan a powdered grass ngem nakanginngina, malaokan met laeng iti napudot a danum. (RAYUKEN)Agkaywara diay taltalon diay Pinas.
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Leo Beligan
7/21/2007 11:00:00 AM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..................................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
.................................................................


Republican's Answer:


BANG!
................................................................


Southerner's Answer: *

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
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Leo Beligan
7/22/2007 8:29:00 AM
50 Facts

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. There are no clocks inLas Vegas g@mbling casin0s.

13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors sothey don't know you're there.

18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

21. Michael Jordan makes moremoney from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.


27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.

28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".

35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".

37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .

41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.

43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka .

46. There are more chickens than people in the world.

47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.

48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".

50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
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apdo
5/31/2016 9:26:00 PM
komusta kayo amin
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abigail
6/13/2016 8:19:00 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"
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abigail
6/13/2016 8:21:00 PM
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."
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cirenia
6/23/2016 7:28:00 AM
While visiting my 89-year-old grandfather in the hospital, a nurse came in to check his blood sugar. Before she started, the nurse examined his red fingertips that had been poked numerous times already and said, "Humm...which finger should we use this time that won't hurt too much?"

"Yours!" my grandfather replied.


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cirenia
6/23/2016 7:31:00 AM
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."
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lintik
6/30/2016 7:02:00 AM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"


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abigail
7/20/2016 6:36:00 AM
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"
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lintik
8/5/2016 6:49:00 AM
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
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lintik
8/5/2016 6:51:00 AM
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.

After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.

After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed the young hottie.

"It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 year old guy.. .she is sensational, what age did you say you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the billionaire responds "85 years old"


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lintik
8/5/2016 6:54:00 AM
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."


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apdo
8/13/2016 7:09:00 AM
Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"

At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in low handrails."
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cirenia
8/26/2016 5:53:00 PM
What is wrong with these answers?
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: His last battle
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the page
Q: River Ravi flows in which state?
A: Liquid
Q: What is the main reason for divorce?
A: Marriage
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner
Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A: Wet
Q: How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A: No problem. He sleeps at night.
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand.
Q: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands
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abigail
9/1/2016 8:02:00 PM
Forgiveness
A certain pastor was fond of spending his "quiet time" on the golf course. "It is a splendid place to meditate," he said. He became such a good golfer that he decided to enter the local tournament.
When his turn came to begin the opening round, he confidently placed his golf ball on the tee, got his club into position, began his swing and, at that crucial moment, the caddy sneezed. Totally distracted, the pastor topped the ball miserably and it dribbled only a few feet from the tee.
He clenched his fist and bit his lip and glared at the embarrassed caddy, but he didn't speak. Whereupon, his opponent said to him, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."
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abigail
9/10/2016 9:07:00 AM
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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cirenia
9/25/2016 11:05:00 AM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.


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abigail
10/12/2016 5:33:00 AM
You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."

"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."
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abigail
10/12/2016 5:34:00 AM
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
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Leo Beligan
10/24/2016 6:43:00 PM
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."


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apdo
11/9/2016 9:18:00 PM
The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, André?".
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lintik
1/2/2017 8:05:00 AM
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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