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Pagsasaritaan a Topiko


Leo Beligan
7/25/2007 2:16:00 PM



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2/22/2016 6:32:00 AM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Second violation will be a $60 fine. Third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
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2/22/2016 6:33:00 AM
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"

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2/22/2016 6:34:00 AM
On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field.

The first cow said "mooo" and the second cow said "baaaaaa."

The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, "Why did you say "baaaaa?"

The second cow replied, "I am learning a foreign language.
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2/24/2016 6:16:00 PM
May tatlong vampira sa bar.
Vampire from Vigan: Oorder ako ng fresh blood.
Vampire from Sta Cruz: Sa akin isang order ng dinuguan.
Vampire from Banayoyo: Hot water na lang sa akin.
Bar tender: Bakit hot water lang, po?
Vampire from Banayoyo: Nakapulot kasi ako ng Tampon sa kanto. Magtsa-tsaa na lang ako.
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3/1/2016 3:42:00 PM
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc…I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
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3/5/2016 6:18:00 AM
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she dragged home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"

The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
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3/5/2016 6:23:00 AM
03/05/2016 from DailyJokes#1578
After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”

Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.
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3/11/2016 7:12:00 AM
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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3/11/2016 7:14:00 AM
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

"Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!
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3/12/2016 8:10:00 AM
A man complains to a friend, "I cant take it anymore."
"Whats wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"Its my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, shell go "I still remember that time when you ...."
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3/16/2016 4:06:00 PM
Little old lady
This little old lady calls 911. when the operator answers she yells, help, send the police to my house right away! there's a damn democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.
What? the operator exclaimed.
I said there is a f****** democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; i don't know him and i'm afraid! please send the police! the little old lady repeated.
Well, now, how do you know he's a democrat?
Because, you damn fool, if it was a republican, he'd be f****** somebody!
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3/18/2016 7:08:00 PM
Grandma and Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.””
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3/18/2016 7:09:00 PM
? Some Amazing and Unknown Facts ?
? Ants never sleep!
? When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.
? Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never called his wife or mother; because they were both deaf.
? An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
? “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
? Babies are born without knee caps – actually, they’re made of cartilage
and the bone hardens, between the ages of 2-6 years.
? Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.
? Butterflies taste with their feet.
? A “jiffy”, is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
? It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
? Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
? Minus 40° Celsius, is exactly the same as minus 40° Fahrenheit.
? No word in the English language, rhymes with month – orange – silver -or- purple.
? Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump”.
? Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
? Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
? The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
? The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”
uses every letter in the English language.
? The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
? The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
? The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
? Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.
? TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
? You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
? Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
? The dot over the letter “i” is called a ‘Tittle’.
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3/20/2016 8:20:00 AM
Two Old Buddies
Two old buddies went fishing and one lost his dentures over the side of the boat in rough weather, so his prankster friend removed his own false teeth, tied them on his line and pretended he had caught the missing gnashers.

Unhooking the teeth, his grateful mate tried to put them into his mouth, then hurled them into the sea with the disgusted remark: “They’re not mine – they don’t fit!”
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3/27/2016 7:31:00 AM
03/27/2016 from DailyJokes#1601
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.

The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
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3/29/2016 9:00:00 PM
Translation from English words to tagalog words ..

have fun enjoy, pinoy lang naka iintindi nito

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
21) Thesis - ito ay...
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad.
Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka itlog
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) VHF - Very High Power
46.) PAF - Philippine Air Flane
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4/5/2016 4:44:00 PM
When Age creeps faster than one can realize:
(It happens to all sooner or later)

1. Height has lessened by half an inch or so.
2. More grammatical errors in written communications (one is more concerned with the forest than the trees).
3. Short-term memory is more unreliable.
4. You tend to think of end-states and you do a lot of succession planning.
5. You're more sagely in giving advice, and give quotes more often.
6. You're less peeved at little things such as wrong dates, grammar, punctuation (especially your own); but more unnerved by a lack of basic core values in others.
7. Even if the day ends up badl y, your mind is easily pacified when you think of retirement, travel, your kids, their kids, and passive income.
8. You tend to see more of the whole of the person, more than just what a person is trying to say.
9. You begin to relinquish control and let go, let others shine, and mentor the next generation.
10. You begin to truly understand that this life, despite the chaos and complexity, will be nothing compared to what lies ahead; and that your best gift to humanity is to spread love, goodness, charity, forgiveness, and godliness.

... & fight to "seek the right" till the very end...
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4/5/2016 4:47:00 PM
1. No matter how beautiful and handsome you are, just remember Baboon and Gorillas also attract tourists. ***Stop Boasting.
2. No matter how big and strong you are, you will not carry yourself to your Grave. ***Be Humble!
3. No matter how tall you are, you can never see tomorrow. ***Be Patient!
4. No matter how Light Skinned you are, you will always need light in Darkness. ***Take Caution!
5. No matter how Rich and many Cars you have, you will always walk to Bed. ***Be Contented!
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4/5/2016 4:48:00 PM
Women go on a diet on three occasions:
- When they break up with a guy;
- When they meet a new guy;
- On Mondays.
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4/13/2016 2:38:00 PM
Better Than a Lawyer
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner’s daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. “Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” said the astonished lawyer.
“You know I would have married you and provided for the birth.”
She replied, “That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
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4/13/2016 2:41:00 PM
Prayer, Faith, Meditation
In the book For the Love of God, author Dr. Wayne Dyer writes about prayer:
I find God by giving myself time every day — through prayer, or meditation, or whatever you want to call it — to go into another level of consciousness. I close my eyes and breathe. I center myself and empty my mind and begin to feel the love that is there when I quiet down enough to feel.
As I do this I transcend time and space, and I am in the very presence of God, and it puts me into a state of harmony and bliss that transcends anything I’ve ever known. How you do it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t come about in some linear fashion or by studying somebody else’s ways. The secret is in giving yourself permission to experience it firsthand, and then living whatever messages you’re getting.
When you experience this, you connect in a loving way to everything in the universe.
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 5:53:00 PM
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 5:54:00 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, youve got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guys penis isnt orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a persons life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, he asks the guy, "Hows your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 5:56:00 PM
The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, "Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Tommy reacts, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answers, "No, I couldn't tell... but I did get his license plate number!"
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 5:58:00 PM
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:00:00 PM
There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:02:00 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when youre not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "Ill tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But Ill tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:04:00 PM
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:06:00 PM
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:10:00 PM
Go See If Am I There:

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:11:00 PM
"The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
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Leo Beligan
4/24/2016 6:14:00 PM
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." - Jay Leno

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
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5/1/2016 6:49:00 PM
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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5/1/2016 6:51:00 PM
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and hen the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
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5/8/2016 8:03:00 AM
A gift of HOPE amidst Poverty
In retrospect, I can thank my early poverty in the Philippines for giving me the opportunity to mold my character and steel my nerves for the daily battle for survival affecting mankind. For it is a truism that, as gold is minted in the crucible of fire, so is a person's character better developed amidst hardships early in life. The instinct for self-preservation is better honed in the maelstrom of daily struggles than in the sybaritic splendor vouchsafed to a select breed of humans to the manor born.
Along with six siblings, I was born rich only in love and care afforded by my parents who were both public elementary school teachers. My parents also provided us with examples of hard work, honesty and faith in God amidst poverty in material things. We ate a lot of fish and vegetables which were cheap and plenty in our town, and our early treats in life would come on Sundays when Mama would buy meat with lots of bones from the public market as a weekly feast. She would plant vegetables like alogbate, camote and fechay in our backyard. While my mother would constantly pray her rosary and novenas daily before sleep, my father would constantly remind us never to be interested in getting things that don't belong to us and to work hard if we wanted anything for ourselves in life. Thus, early in life, while we did not have good clothes to wear and tasty food to eat, we saw parental love and sacrifice everywhere coupled with a quest for the higher things in life.
In the ordinary course of things, a family of nine relying on the combined, but measly salaries of two school teachers would meet periodic crises in life, especially when the children started their high school and college education at the same time. My mother was a petite woman full of faith. She was very slow to anger and always believed that God would provide no matter what happened. Her indomitable spirit and strong faith seeped into my being early on as if by osmosis. My parents' capacity to take pains amidst daily struggles in life, in retrospect, struck me as deserving of the Nobel Prize in perseverance. I remember my mother making the rounds of moneyed people every time school started and tuition fees had to be paid. She borrowed money like nobody's business, so that someday, her children would not have to borrow money to survive. She stooped so low, so that someday, her children could hold their heads high. She absorbed the constant humiliation of knocking on people's doors frantically begging for loans come opening of the school year, so that someday, her children could live a comfortable life by way of education.
One time, when I was on vacation from college, I saw my Mama looking lachrymose and worried while holding a letter in her hand. I cautiously approached her and asked if she was ok. Then I gently asked to see the letter she was holding. The contents shocked me like a bolt of lightning. It was a letter from a loan shark threatening to sue her if she didn't pay her debt within 15 days. I felt a lump in my throat and a cosmic compassion for my parents. It was just typical of them, never telling us what horrible humiliations they were subjected to and what painful privations they tackled just to give their children a chance to achieve better lives by way of education. From them I learned that education was my only hope to escape the poverty we were experiencing together. I vowed early in life to repay the sacrifices of my parents by becoming a lawyer. Yes, a lawyer. People can dream amidst poverty, right? And so it was that I learned to focus early in life on achieving goals one at a time, working hard with grim determination and never giving up in spite of horrible obstacles. At the back of my mind was the sacrifice, heroic by any standard that my parents were undergoing just to lift their children above their own level. What silent heroes in real life my parents were. I could only vow to recompense them by being worthy of their sacrifices by way of doing well in school. I studied well although I only had two pairs of pants and two polos. My shoes were the same for years, only the soles were changed at the shoe repair shop along Rizal Avenue in Sta. Cruz, Manila, where I rented a bed space in a dilapidated Spanish-built house. There was only one comfort room and bathroom for 25 people and hygiene was deplorable. I ate only once a day, sometimes surviving on banana cue for a week, downed with free water from the university's free drinking fountains. I spent most of my time in the library reading assigned books, since I could not afford to but textbooks. I also read self-help books at the community library and never missed praying my Wednesday novenas and Sunday masses in church.
After graduating from A.B., I told my parents I would proceed to law. Some of my own siblings, a few acquaintances and others laughed me to scorn. Here was a starving tatterdemalion, a little bit mousy, skeletonic in physique, with two cents in his pocket, unable to buy a new pair of slippers, wanting to be a lawyer? For them, it was a capital joke deserving of guffaws. But my parents took it seriously, vowing to support me all the way. They believed and trusted and that's all that mattered, not the cruel taunts of doubting Thomases. And so it was that I took the entrance exams at the University of the Philippines College of Law, and passed them easily. There were about three thousand wannabes who took the exams, but only 120 passed the written and oral exams. In law school, I was again in starvation mode due to lack of money and couldn't buy my textbooks. Fortunately, I qualified for grants-in-aid with free tuition and books. Then I joined the Sigma Rho Fraternity. My wonderful and solicitous brods, noticing my threadbare look, inability to eat lunch after morning classes and inability to buy the bare necessities of life, gave me a day job working for a big-time brod near the UP campus. I shifted to evening classes at UP law and finished my law course, passed the bar exams, became manager of the legal department of a public corporation, migrated to California where I also passed the California bar exams and have been practicing law here ever since, dispensing monetary favors to kith and kin in the Philippines in the hope that, like me, young people steeped in poverty can achieve their dreams by dint of hard work, education, honesty, focus, persistence and faith in God.
Dan I. Amosin is a graduate of St. Pius X Seminary in Roxas City, University of the East Manila and the UP college of Law, Diliman, Quezon City. He has been successfully practicing law as a licensed California lawyer since 1995. Also a member of the Integrated Bar of the Philippines, he eschews dishonesty, ostentation and lack of altruism in his professional and personal life.
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5/13/2016 6:01:00 AM
A zebra gets to heaven and finally meets God.

Zebra: God, am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

God: You are what you are.

Zebra: That doesn't answer my question. Ive pondered my color for my entire life.

God: If you were black with white stripes, I would have said 'You is what you is'.

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5/19/2016 5:23:00 AM
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:39:00 AM
Intelligent and educated people are tolerant of, and don't get easily offended by contrary views, unless couched in derisive, hurtful and disrespectful language. They take it as an opportunity to learn, instruct , do mental exercises or to unravel the truth or find the correct solution to a boiling issue by exploring all possible angles. The advancement of knowledge requires a constant exploration of what can be. Intolerance of others' views spells the hibernation of intellectual progress. And bigotry is the worst form of self-enslavement. (quote from Dan Amosin
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6/4/2016 10:32:00 AM
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
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6/4/2016 10:33:00 AM
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the widow replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."
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6/21/2016 7:06:00 AM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
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6/21/2016 7:09:00 AM
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor".
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6/27/2016 7:15:00 AM
Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?

Dentist- $300 US dollars.

Patient- How much time it will take?

Dentist- Five minutes.

Patient- Five minutes only and it's $300 US dollars! Don't you think that is too expensive?

Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?
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7/4/2016 7:52:00 AM
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
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7/4/2016 8:04:00 AM
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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7/27/2016 8:41:00 PM
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I cant remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

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8/3/2016 8:13:00 AM
At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."
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8/3/2016 8:15:00 AM
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"

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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 5:08:00 PM
There is the story of the “changed man” who was asked, ”You stopped smoking because she asked you?” ”Yes,” he answered.
”And you stopped drinking because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And you stopped swearing because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And you stopped gambling because she asked you?” ”Yes.”
”And yet you never married her?” ”Well, you see, after I reformed, I found I could do better.”
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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 5:11:00 PM
The richest and meanest old man in town was dying. Although he had never contributed to the Church from his considerable wealth, nevertheless he called for the local parish priest.
When the priest arrived, the dying man said that he would give one hundred thousand dollars to the Church if the priest would guarantee his entrance into the Heavenly Kingdom.
"No, I cannot do that," said the priest. "Neither I nor any other human being can guarantee you heaven in return for a one hundred thousand dollar gift to the Church." Then, with a slight twinkle in his eye, the priest added, "But it's worth a try!"
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8/22/2016 8:11:00 PM
About aging . . .
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
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8/22/2016 8:14:00 PM
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you don't hire stupid people.
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8/22/2016 8:16:00 PM
Helen and Arnold were given a thirty-fifth wedding anniversary party by family and friends. During the celebration, Arnold was asked to share some of his thoughts on the long-lasting marriage.
He began by going back thirty years to the night when, during a severe thunderstorm, Helen was tucking their little boy into bed. As Helen was about to turn the bedroom light off, the little boy asked tearfully, "Mommy, will you please stay with me all night?" Smiling, Helen gave her son a big, reassuring hug. Then she said, "I can't stay. I have to stay in Daddy's room."
There was a pause, broken finally by a shaky little voice, saying, "The big sissy!"
Arnold went on to say:
I remember a time when I was sitting on the antique window-seat that Helen has treasured through the years. Because the original fabric had worn through, Helen had recently recovered it in a handsome corduroy. I sat staring at the rain pelting down on dead autumn leaves. The gloomy look of the garden seemed to match the mood of hopelessness that had come over me. Problems at work had made me fearful of the future.
Questions that surface with the coming of middle-age had made me fearful of life itself. I started to light my pipe and accidentally spilled some hot ash which burned a hole right in the center of the window-seat cover. Seeing what had happened, Helen threaded a needle and stitched a beautiful flower over the charred spot. When I looked at the finished work, I realized that it was a striking symbol of our life together, and my spirits began to soar. I had married a repairer of broken spirits, a healer of wounds, a woman whose very presence was an antidote to fear.
Moreover, I understood, perhaps for the very first time, that it was Helen's deep and abiding trust in God's goodness that made it possible for her to be a source of light and a harbinger of hope in times of darkness and despair.
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Leo Beligan
8/28/2016 4:04:00 PM
From the recent bestseller “Growing Up Isn’t Hard To Do If You Start Out As A Kid,” author David Heller shares the results of hundreds of hours of interviews with children between the ages of four and ten. The following are some of their insights into love, marriage and dating:
”Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other...Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8
”On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10
”I don’t know who I’ll marry, but I’ll tell you one thing, she’ll have to sign a paper that says she takes out the garbage, and I get to watch whatever TV shows I want!” Allan, (who believes in pre-nuptial agreements), age 10
”If men and women didn’t get married, there would be almost no divorces at all.” Rhonda, age 8
”Being married is better, because you can always share things with your husband. Like if you’re driving and you’re in a car accident, you can always say it was your husband’s fault!” Kit, age 10
”It gives me a headache to think about that stuff (marriage). I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” Will, age 7
”Don’t fight until you’ve been married for at least a week...after that it’s expected.” Kirsten, age 10
”No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry...God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Jane, age 10
”Marriage means spending a lot of time together, even if you don’t want to!” Craig, age 9
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9/2/2016 6:31:00 AM
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"
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9/16/2016 11:24:00 PM
During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"
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9/26/2016 5:46:00 PM
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"
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9/26/2016 5:48:00 PM
My wife and I have several accounts at a bank where I went to deposit a sizable check.

When I entered, I noticed that streamers and balloons filled the lobby. I didn't stop to see what the celebration was about.

At the counter, the teller said a hold would be placed on my check because there wasn't enough money in my account to cover it. I argued that with all my accounts combined, where were more than enough funds.

The teller went to speak with the manager. She returned, with a sour face, and curtly informed me she would go ahead and credit the check to my account. As I left, I asked her, "By the way, why is the bank decorated?"

Under her breath she said, "It's customer appreciation day."
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10/17/2016 7:39:00 PM
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
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10/27/2016 11:31:00 PM
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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11/11/2016 7:26:00 AM
agar-aramid ni leroy ti homework na iti math. kun-kunana ket "one plus one, that son of bitch is two," three plus three, that son of a bitch is six." nangngeg ni bining nga inana ket immasideg a nagdamag.

bining: ania ta ar-aramidem? ania ta ibag-bagam?

leroy: ar-aramidek toy homework ko, inang.

bining: apay kasta ti isur-suro ni maestra yo?

leroy: wen, inang.

kinabigatanna ket napan ni bining idiay klase ni leroy.

bining: maam, kayatko laeng nga maammuan no ania iti isur-suro yo toy anakko diay math?

maestra: pagad-adalan mi ita ti "addition," misis.

bining: ke. . .isur-suro yo nga ibaga "two plus two that son of a bitch is four?"

maestra: saan met a kasta misis, iti insurok ket "two plus two, the sum of which is four."
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11/26/2016 10:39:00 AM
Naming Babies
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot." Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then asks the doctor, "What's the boys name!" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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12/10/2016 5:32:00 PM
Never Bet With Johnny
So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: “That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
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12/25/2016 11:01:00 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

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12/29/2016 5:44:00 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
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1/4/2017 7:55:00 AM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there is a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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1/18/2017 7:00:00 PM
A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.
At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer raised his eyebrows, "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"
The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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1/20/2017 3:07:00 PM
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you American rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up;
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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2/6/2017 6:32:00 AM
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

What the hell did she mean?
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3/4/2017 9:10:00 PM
A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said “congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets; 4 big baby boys.” …

The redneck said “I am not surprised. I have a johnson the size of a chimney.” …

The nurse replied, “you might want to get it cleaned, or get a divorce lawyer, because they are all black.”
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3/4/2017 9:11:00 PM
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
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3/4/2017 9:14:00 PM
Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?
Answer: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: How do you know you’re old enough to retire?
Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!
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3/4/2017 9:15:00 PM
Who ya gonna call? Fly swatters!
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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3/4/2017 9:17:00 PM
True Happiness
Happiness is like peeing in your pants … … … Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
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3/20/2017 5:00:00 PM
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
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3/20/2017 5:03:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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3/20/2017 5:05:00 PM
Wife and the Mistress
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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4/1/2017 7:28:00 AM
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not.

Son: Well neither would he.
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4/17/2017 8:54:00 PM
My African Neighbor just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a colored TV “.
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4/17/2017 8:55:00 PM
Crumpled Bills
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”

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Leo Beligan
4/29/2017 11:47:00 AM
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Tom says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest woman, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Tom, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Cindy?"
"I wanna be Tom's woman"
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5/20/2017 4:18:00 PM
Never Let Go!
A pastor made an investment in an old farm which he planned to enjoy in his retirement years. Still leading a very active church, he would take one day off each week from ministry to work on his property. But what a job! He soon realized that the farm he bought was nothing more than several acres of weeds, gopher holes and run-down buildings. By any measure, it was a mess, but the pastor was sure it had potential.
So every week he would go out to his land, crank up the old tractor and plow through the seemingly endless weeds and brush. Then he'd concentrate on much-needed repairs to the buildings. He'd mix cement, cut lumber, replace broken windows and patch up the plumbing. It was hard work for sure, but after several months things began to take shape. And every time the pastor completed a project he would beam with pride. Indeed, his hard work was beginning to pay off.
One day the minister received a friendly visit from a neighbor who lived a few miles down the road. Familiar with the old place, the man took a long look around. And though there was still much work to be done, the neighbor was impressed. Nodding his approval he said, "Well preacher, it sure looks like you and God have been busy out here."
The pastor, wiping sweat from his face, replied, "That's nice of you to say but I've got to tell you something. You should have seen this place when God had it all to himself!"
In each of our lives, there is a mighty work to be done. But with God's help, we can conquer life's biggest challenges.
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5/20/2017 4:20:00 PM
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
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6/28/2017 3:28:00 PM
A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked to him and quietly said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, "Your fly's open."
Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached the check-out counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, actually I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
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6/28/2017 3:29:00 PM
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" The bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days ......"
He took another shot, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
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6/28/2017 3:30:00 PM
Two buddies, Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there's baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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6/28/2017 3:32:00 PM
Husband sent a text to his wife at night :

"Hi I will get home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes.

#No reply#"

And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before i return."

#No reply#.

He sent another text

"And i forgot to tell you that i got an increase in my salary. At the end of this month i'm getting you a new car".

She text back ; "Oh my God, really ??".

Husband replied ; "No i just wanted to make sure you got all my first messages. nice night baby".
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8/9/2017 6:58:00 AM
Tom’s Scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
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8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
The Problem With Jury Duty
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
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8/9/2017 7:14:00 AM
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:38:00 PM
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?
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9/17/2017 8:21:00 AM
The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.
Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the enforcer drags the guy to an interpreter.
He says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the enforcer, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The enforcer pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
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9/17/2017 8:28:00 AM
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
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9/26/2017 7:04:00 AM
Did you know that...
*A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes (O.M.G.!!!) ??
*A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy. But i'm still not over the pig.)??
*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home! What the...?!)
*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)??
*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
*Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig...quality over quantity)??
*Butterflies taste with their feet (Something I always wanted to know)
*Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
*A cat's urine glows under a black light
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
(I know some people like that)
*Starfishes have no brains
(I know some people like that, too)
*Polar bears are left-handed (Talk about a southpaw)
*Humans & dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?!)??
19 19
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9/26/2017 7:11:00 AM
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for a local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" Asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks to use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash.
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9/26/2017 8:09:00 AM
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
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9/26/2017 8:13:00 AM
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
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10/15/2017 8:07:00 AM
The Irony of Life is…..
Airports have seen more Affectionate Kisses
than Wedding Halls..
The Walls of Hospitals have heard more Sincere Prayers
than the Walls of Temples,
Masjid and churches..
Good Days or Bad Days Depend on ur Thinking. What u Call “Suffocation” in Local Train Becomes an
“Atmosphere” in Disco.
Pizza….always confuses us … it comes in a square box … when you open it … it’s round … when you start eating it … it’s triangle ! Life & People are also like Pizza … Look different .. Appear different .. & .. Behave absolutely different
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10/15/2017 8:23:00 AM
Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst,a mind that forgets the bad , and a soul that that never loses faith in God .
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11/10/2017 4:06:00 PM
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

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