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2/2/2008 7:07:00 PM





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9/9/2016 9:09:00 PM

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."
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9/23/2016 5:55:00 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get the email either.
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9/30/2016 7:51:00 PM
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
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9/30/2016 7:52:00 PM
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
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9/30/2016 7:53:00 PM
The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.
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9/30/2016 7:54:00 PM
In one of his "best-seller" books, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer has written a chapter on what he calls "spiritual love." He says,
At the center of purposeful relationships is love. But is is more than simply being able to say the words "I love you," for these words are used by people who also berate and harm each other on a daily basis. Love is giving and it has nothing to do with what you receive. Love is an inner process that you bring to a relationship -- a relationship that has love in the giving sense as its cornerstone.
To love is the most important thing in life. But what do we mean by love?
When you love someone because that person loves you in return, surely that is not love. To love is to have that extraordinary feeling of affection without asking anything in return. You may be very clever, you may pass all your examinations, you may get a doctorate and achieve a high position, but if you have not this sensitivity, this feeling of simple love, your heart will be empty and you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
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9/30/2016 7:55:00 PM
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains
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10/20/2016 8:11:00 PM
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.??"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."??"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."??A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"???Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.??Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.??The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:??1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;??????2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;??????3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; ????????and?? 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. ????????(THIS GETS BETTER!)??The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:??1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on????2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;????3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;????and??4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.?????????????????????????????????? ?The women won????Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a good sense of humour!
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11/6/2016 7:14:00 AM
Wedding Rehearsal
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, “As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.”
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-in-law’s arm and said. “No deposit, no return.”
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11/14/2016 7:56:00 PM
The Email
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened.
I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.
I get home… and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. ”
There is something very odd going on here.
My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
” I told you there must be a simple explanation ….. she didn’t receive your E-mail!
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11/14/2016 7:57:00 PM
Trip to the Dentist
A man goes to the dentist with some broken front teeth.
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds, saying: “My wife cooked some chicken and flatbread but the bread was very hard and stiff.”
The dentist replied: “You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it.”
To which the man responds: “Man, that’s exactly what I did!”
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11/15/2016 6:48:00 PM
A seventy-five-year old man went to the doctor's office for his annual physical checkup. The doctor was greatly impressed with the man's superb condition. He said, "You have the body of a man twenty-five years younger. What is the secret of your extraordinarily good health?"
The man replied, "When I was married 50 years ago, my wife and I agreed never to fight. We both hate to quarrel. So whenever things began heating up and it looked as though we were going to have a fight, she would stay in the house and I would go out for a long walk.
Consequently, I attribute my good health to the fact that for fifty years I've lived pretty much of an outdoor life."
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12/1/2016 9:01:00 PM
Believe in WORK Not in LUCK.
Trust in God but don’t be depended on him …
The Best “om” is home !!
The Best “age” is courage !!
The Best “mile” is smile !!
The Best “stand” is understand !!
The Best “end” is friend !!
The Best “day” is today !!….
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12/10/2016 8:15:00 AM
Funeral Procession
A funeral procession made its way down the road. Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net, and some bait.
A passer-by remarked: "He must've been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked another, "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife."
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12/10/2016 8:16:00 AM
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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12/10/2016 8:17:00 AM
A Doctor of Psychology
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh , he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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12/12/2016 6:53:00 PM
A man was walking down the street when he came upon a brothel. He noticed a couple having sex on the lawn. He saw another couple behind a tree and two more behind some bushes.

He walked up to the brothel, knocked on the door and asked what in the world was going on with all the sex on the lawn.

"Oh, that," said the madam. "We're having a yard sale."
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1/6/2017 6:14:00 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know " grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
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Leo Beligan
1/18/2017 7:39:00 PM
Three Englishman go into a pub. They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me."
The Englishman goes back to his pals.
"Let me give it a try," says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my boy!"
The Englishman slinks back to his seat.
"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says. "Watch this." He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"
The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"

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1/22/2017 10:07:00 AM
Anak: Ma, bakit po maraming nasasarapan sa sex?
Mama: Dahil sa kiliti o sensation, katulad ng nararamdaman mo kapag nangungulangot ka.
Anak: Bakit naman po mas nasasarapan ang babae kesa sa lalaki sa sex?
Mama: Tulad ng pangungulangot mo, mas nasasarapan ang ilong kesa sa daliri mo.
Anak: -.- Eh bakit naman ayaw ng mga babae ang nirarape?
Mama: Halimbawa naglalakad ka tapos may lumapit sayo at biglang kinalikot ang ilong mo magugustuhan mo ba?
Anak: Whahahah! Eh bakit naman ayaw makipagsex ng babae kapag may regla?
Mama: Andami mo namang tanong bata ka! Kapag dumudugo ba ilong mo mangungulangot kapa ba?
Anak: Bakit ayaw po ng mga lalaki ang condom?
Mama: Ikaw Nak, gusto mo bang mangulangot na may guwantes sa daliri?
Anak: (wtf) hahaha. Ano ba yang mga sagot mo Ma, jusko! Eto na last na 'to Ma. hehehe.
Mama: Sige,ano yun?
Anak: Bakit sa pribadong lugar ginagawa ang sex?
Mama: Kaya mo bang mangulangot sa harap ng maraming tao?
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1/22/2017 10:10:00 AM
A man goes to the bar and asks for three bottles of beer. He starts taking one by one.* the waiter asks him why he ordered for three bottles. The man said; we are three friends but everyone stays in a different city but we decided that whenever anyone drinks beer, he drinks for others too. This went on for many years. One day the man came and ordered for two bottles. The waiter was sad that he asked him whether one of the friends had passed away. The Man replied: no, it’s just that for me I quit drinking.
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2/7/2017 4:18:00 PM
What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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3/13/2017 7:48:00 PM
The Gift
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note....Romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All My Love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:49:00 PM
A woman was leaving with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"Well, that first hearse is for my husband," the woman replied.
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant ang thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women..."Can I borrow the dog?"
She replied, "GET IN LINE."

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3/14/2017 7:56:00 PM
Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.
Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.
No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.
The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.
The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.
Oh, KGB took them last night.
The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!
The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!
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3/27/2017 5:59:00 PM
This old man in his eighties
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?” He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
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3/27/2017 6:01:00 PM
Wavy hair?
For those not familiar with Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren, for more than four decades, those names were big, really big. I'm talking Oprah and Ellen and David Letterman big. Long before Facebook and Twitter and Google, they provided a forum for millions of people to ask questions and share their life experiences in their syndicated newspaper columns know as "Ask Anne Landers," and "Dear Abbey."
In one of the columns, a young woman was seeking matrimonial advice.
"Dear Abbey," she began, "I'm twenty-two and head-over-heels in love. The man is thirty, has beautiful wavy hair and a perfect build. I want to marry him and he is begging me to say yes, but I am a bit hesitant for the following three reasons:
"First, he drinks a little too much and sometimes forgets things like where I live, where he parked his car, and where he put his wallet.
"Second, he likes to job-hop. He has no trouble getting a job, but after a few months he becomes bored and quits.
"And third, he teases me a lot which is very cute. He says things that aren't true just to get a reaction. Later, he tells me he was only kidding.
"I am willing to overlook his faults because nobody I know is perfect, and besides, he is the most exciting man I've ever met. He says marriage will change him. Will it? Signed, Katie."
The columnist replied:
"Dear Katie, Wow! Congratulations on an offer of marriage from a job-hopping lush with a faulty memory. No. Marriage won't change him but it will change you. You won't find him so thrilling when he forgets to bring home the paycheck. And the teasing and spells of unemployment won't be so cute when you have children to feed and doctor bills to pay. So, if you want a thoroughly messy life, go ahead and marry a guy because his hair is wavy.
Signed, Abbey."
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4/9/2017 9:40:00 AM
A man in his middle years was traveling alone on a Caribbean cruise. On the first day out a woman about his age, sitting in a deck chair, gave him a friendly smile as he passed by.
On the second day out, as he circled the deck, the woman again gave him a friendly smile.
On the third day out, the same thing happened.
That night at dinner, the man managed to get seated next to the woman with the friendly smile. As the conversation developed, he told her how pleased he was that each time he passed by her on deck she offered him such a gracious, friendly smile.
The woman replied, "Well, the reason I smiled was that when I saw you, I immediately said to myself, 'That man looks like my third husband.'"
Hearing this, the man asked, "And how many times have you been married?"
The woman looked down at her plate, smiled demurely and said, "Twice."
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4/9/2017 9:45:00 AM
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
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4/9/2017 9:46:00 AM
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
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4/9/2017 9:48:00 AM
One day, a guy was walking down Session Road and decided to take a taxi to La Trinidad. He was lucky to get a taxi right away but he wanted to make sure that he knew what he was going to pay for so he asked the driver,
"Mano ti bayad no i-drive nak idiay Trinidad?"(how much would I pay if you had to drive me to Trinidad?).
The taxi driver asked him back "maymaysam?" (Are you alone?)
The man answered back, "apay haan ka nga umay?"(why, are you not going with me?)
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4/21/2017 9:39:00 PM
I have good taste, but I don’t have the money to prove it.
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4/21/2017 9:39:00 PM
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
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4/21/2017 9:40:00 PM
Love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.
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Leo Beligan
4/29/2017 11:49:00 AM
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
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6/1/2017 7:22:00 PM
Three doctors are talking about death.

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”
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6/1/2017 7:25:00 PM
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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6/15/2017 7:49:00 AM
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”
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8/3/2017 11:01:00 PM
After 50 years of marriage the couple was sitting at the dinner table and the wife said to her husband: "After all these years of marriage I know that you are Tried and True."
He replied, "What did you say?"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He said: "Speak louder!"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He replied loudly: "Well, I'm tired of you too!!"
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8/3/2017 11:02:00 PM
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 12:55:00 PM
Doctor Simon
Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room.
She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”
“Miracle, miracle,” says Betty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 12:59:00 PM
A Matter of Experience
A man was crossing the street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial: …

“Your Honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your Honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:01:00 PM
So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:04:00 PM
So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2017 1:04:00 PM
Research found that 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
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9/21/2017 8:30:00 AM
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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10/7/2017 7:17:00 PM
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.

"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."
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10/19/2017 6:22:00 PM
Someone has compiled a telling list of "famous fibs." Here are a few:
The check is in the mail.
We service what we sell.
Money is cheerfully refunded.
This offer is limited to the first one hundred people.
You've already won a valuable prize.
One size fits all.
Your table will be ready in a minute.
This won't hurt a bit.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
I'll start my diet tomorrow.
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10/19/2017 6:24:00 PM
The Judge Said It’s OK
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
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Leo Beligan
11/14/2017 6:11:00 AM
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.

Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.

The kid says, "I'm from the government." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank you."
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12/30/2017 6:02:00 AM
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman a derogatory gesture.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her a derogatory gesture? .... I don't think so!
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12/30/2017 6:03:00 AM
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

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1/14/2018 6:21:00 AM
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
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Leo Beligan
1/27/2018 6:49:00 AM
I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out, though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
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2/5/2018 6:19:00 AM
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
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nenita bautista torqueza
2/14/2018 4:59:00 PM
Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

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3/10/2018 7:32:00 AM
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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3/28/2018 7:21:00 PM
Minding his own business, Wen a gorgeous
woman, sitting next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

5 mins later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Cum on, honey. Take it or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

A few min later the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
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3/28/2018 7:23:00 PM
"The trouble with the world," said the Master with a sigh, "is that human beings refuse to grow up."

"When can a person be said to have grown up?" asked a disciple.

"On the day he does not need to be lied to about anything."
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3/28/2018 7:27:00 PM
A little boy once found a jar of nuts on the table.

"I would like some of these nuts," he thought. "I'm sure Mother will give them to me if she were here. I'll take a big handful." So he reached into the jar and grabbed as many as he could hold.

But when he tried to pull his hand out, he found the neck of the jar was too small. His hand was held fast, but he did not want to drop any of the nuts.

He tried again and again, but he couldn't get the whole handful out. At last he began to cry.

Just then his mother came into the room. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take this handful of nuts out of the jar," sobbed the boy.

"Well, don't be so greedy," his mother replied. "Just take two or three, and you'll have no trouble getting your hand out."

"How easy that was," said the boy as he left the table. "I might have thought of that myself."

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4/22/2018 3:07:00 PM
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
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5/26/2018 10:41:00 AM
"Proving Sufficiency"?(Excerpts from Miguel de Cervantes, Napoleon Hill and Jerry Gilles)??“Many say that money cannot buy happiness, but most of us still want to prove it to ourselves!??May we realize that contentment and wealth does not run against each other; Contentment has to do with our attitude, and wealth is not really having many possessions, but in having wise applications. ??In our spiritual journey, may we discover that prosperity comes from the understanding of our sufficiency, and lasting peace comes from humbly accepting our roles as God’s good stewards and not as owners, of His entrusted riches.??We are not really wealthy, until we have something money cannot buy, for wealth is essentially not a measure of material gain, but a state of mind.”??Good morning.
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Leo Beligan
7/11/2018 8:42:00 AM
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were very good looking.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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7/28/2018 12:05:00 PM
A man, in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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8/5/2018 10:04:00 AM
A married couple had lived together for twenty-five years in what outwardly seemed like a reasonably good union. The husband was a good provider. The wife was a good housekeeper. They went to Church together every Sunday and prayed together every night before they retired. But they did have one problem that seemed insurmountable. They could not have a conversation that didn't end up in an argument.

Finally, the wife decided she'd had enough, but because of her religious scruples, divorce was out of the question. She had a better idea, however.

One night as the couple settled down for their nightly prayers, she said to her husband, "We must put an end to this terrible situation we're in. We can't go on like this anymore. Since today is the first day of Lent, why don't we pray that things will change. Let's pray that the Lord will call one of us home to Him. Then I can go live with my sister."
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8/22/2018 5:57:00 PM
A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.

"Darndest church I ever went to," he replies. "The only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs!"
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8/22/2018 5:57:00 PM
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
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8/22/2018 5:58:00 PM
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man
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9/11/2018 7:51:00 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
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9/24/2018 6:42:00 AM
Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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10/4/2018 5:52:00 AM
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”

“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
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10/4/2018 5:54:00 AM
Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number."What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face.

"Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
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10/14/2018 8:48:00 AM
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"
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10/14/2018 8:49:00 AM
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
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10/29/2018 9:55:00 AM
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.

He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"
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10/29/2018 9:56:00 AM
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes, he asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”
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10/29/2018 9:57:00 AM
A young lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” They stiffened and hesitated.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do!”
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10/29/2018 9:58:00 AM
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out, “Cross!” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison “The Old Rugged Cross.”

The pastor hollered out, “Grace!”

The congregation began to sing “Amazing Grace.”

The pastor said, “Power!”

The congregation sang “There is Power in the Blood.”

The pastor said, “Sex!”

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-yr-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, “Precious Memories.”
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10/29/2018 9:59:00 AM
The medics rushed Mr. Stein to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.

The doctors worked on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr Stein’s physician comes into his room and says, “Leon, I’m happy to tell you
that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”

Mr. Stein goes home and that evening is talking to his wife.

“Babe, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before - wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!”

Marly thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Leon. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe be I would have such sex with you.”

Mr. Stein was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office.

His doctor tells him, “Sure, sure, Leon, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: “Mr. Leon Stein, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.” Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Leon, what’s your wife’s first name?”

“Uh, Doctor, could you just make that “To Whom It May Concern?”
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nenita bautista torqueza
10/29/2018 9:59:00 AM
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.

“No! He agreed to marry my daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” Exclaimed the King’s court.

“Indeed,” said the wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
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nenita bautista torqueza
10/29/2018 10:01:00 AM
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said, “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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11/5/2018 7:13:00 AM
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

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11/5/2018 7:15:00 AM
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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11/5/2018 7:16:00 AM
In The Offering

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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11/5/2018 7:16:00 AM
A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed.

"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"
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11/23/2018 2:04:00 PM
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."
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nenita bautista torqueza
1/28/2019 6:24:00 AM
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.
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2/5/2019 10:33:00 AM
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."
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2/9/2019 10:04:00 AM
Name the animals......not a Dear

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
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3/20/2019 7:21:00 PM
My brother was recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it. He was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

He smiled. "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
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3/20/2019 7:24:00 PM
What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."
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nenita bautista torqueza
4/12/2019 8:24:00 AM
Embody a HOPE, carry a PROMISE for a better tomorrow. Have FAITH that it will happen if you work hard for it.

Remember your ROOTS and nurture your WINGS but do accept that its not always a walk in the park.

You will fail at most, succeed at times and just be even at aggregate. Imbibe in our hearts and instilled in our mind that its NOT the end that counts BUT rather its the journey towards to it that matters the most.

David Guggenheim and Kuya Pultak

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4/12/2019 8:27:00 AM
In a delightful book called "To See a World in a Grain of Sand," C.L. James tells the fable of a wise old cat who noticed a kitten chasing its tail.

"Why are you chasing your tail so?" asked the wise old cat.

The kitten replied, "I have learned that the best thing for a cat is happiness, and happiness is in my tail. Therefore, I am chasing it. And when I catch it, I shall have happiness."

To which the wise old cat responded, "My son, I have paid attention to the goings-on in the Universe. And I too have judged that happiness is in my tail. But I have noticed that whenever I chase after it, it keeps running away from me; and when I go about my business, it just seems to come after me wherever I go."
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nenita bautista torqueza
4/21/2019 11:10:00 AM
Words of Wisdom
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . .. . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the e longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up .

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That yo u shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe....
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.

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5/2/2019 8:25:00 AM
Sorry my friends i'm already drunk.....

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
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5/22/2019 6:28:00 AM
Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/22/2019 6:57:00 AM
Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/27/2019 5:33:00 AM
A married couple had just returned home from a wedding anniversary celebration and the wife was feeling very nostalgic.

"You used to kiss me tenderly," she said. So he leaned over and tenderly kissed her.

"You used to hold my hand," she said. So he reached over and took her hand in his.

"You used to gently bite my ear lobe," she said. Immediately he got up and began walking out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked impatiently.

"To get my teeth," he replied.

............Off with the old; on with the new. We can cherish past events. But we cannot relive past events. We can revere our traditions. But we cannot freeze them. We cannot wrap up life in a neat package and say, "This is the way it always was, this is the way it is, and this is the way it always will be."
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nenita bautista torqueza
6/19/2019 6:53:00 AM
Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
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nenita bautista torqueza
6/19/2019 7:34:00 AM

Dear ladies,
There is one thing I want you to understand about us MEN.

When you post half- naked pictures of yourself on Facebook, doing a
sexy pose, or showing us your boobs or lying seductively on
your bed...The only thing you are doing is making us feel lust about you

I know you will feel excited about the 500 Likes, 120 sweet Comments and countless inbox messages you will receive and you will feel so high more so to be on top of the world.
BUT ONE IMPORTANT THING YOU SHOULD KNOW, in reality, none of those guys who will like and comment on your photo or send you messages in your inbox loves you. They are just lust about using and dumping you. In fact they hate you because none of them would take you to his home to be his wife. Trust me they take you as a whore looking for cheap popularity on facebook.

Men whether rich or poor admire ladies who dress decently and respect themselves.
Decent clothing that reveals less about your body makes us love and respect you.
It tells us that you are a virtuous woman and a wife material one would take home to be a mother.
It tells us how you were brought up morally and gives us details about your good family background.

We don’t really care alot about your excessive make-ups and face paintings??
A good wife material remains no matter what.
Value your Body, Be real and Respect yourself.
And a good man who will respect you will find you whatsoever.
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