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ISTORYA DITOY SIROK TI KAMANTIRIS

Leo Beligan
7/19/2008 9:41:00 AM

NAIBUSEN TAY BUNGA TI KAIMITO. UMALIS TAYO DITOY SIROK TI KAMANTIRIS. AWISEN KAYO MAN GAGAYYEM, KAKABSAT NGA MANGIYEBKAS WENNO MANGIPOSTE ITI ANIA MAN NGA ISTORYA WENNO ADDAAN GAMENG NA NGA PAMPANUNOT. (JOKES - WELCOME)


Sungsungbat/Komentario

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Leo Beligan
12/12/2008 9:35:00 PM
Blonde Pinay
A blond Pinay, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 'Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?'
The blond Pinay said, 'How about pipty dollars?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, 'Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?' The man replied, 'She should. She was standing on the porch.'
A short time later, the blond Pinay came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' he asked. 'O-o,' the blonde Pinay
answered, 'and I had paint lept ober, so I gabe it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
'And by the way,' the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Perrari'


1-10
Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, 'tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.'


Ano ang pagkain?
Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!


Overseas call
IDD call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?
Wife: Limana!


Horoscope -
Sweethearts watchin' the sky...
Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?
Girl: Anong huruskup?
Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!


Almusal
Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
Maid: Walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal!


Nirape...
Maid: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi...
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa, nagduda na ako!




Mayaman - Mahirap
Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!


Pangarap
Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gayani daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!


Dalawang mayabang...
Usapan ng dalawang mayabang....
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.


Nitrates
A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, 'What are Nitrates?
The student replied shyly, 'Ma'am, sa motel po. Nitrates are higher than day rates!'


Siling labuyo
Ate: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
Sis: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, eh, uragon pala!


Madre't sakristan
Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
Madre: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosariopo.


Katapusan na!
Lumindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki...'Katapusan na! Katapusan na!'
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki....
'Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!'


Utot
Pupil: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
Teacher: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi bumubukol ang utot...
Pupil: Naku patay! Tae na to!





Sa airplane
Sa panahon ngayon, sa ating national airline...
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po.


Walang syota
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!


Sa isang ospital
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!


Top One
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Ba't mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

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Leo Beligan
12/13/2008 9:29:00 AM
Pedro & His Girl*

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. "Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."



Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Leo Beligan
12/13/2008 9:31:00 AM
WEEWEECHU EVERYONE ! ! ! ! !
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Leo Beligan
12/13/2008 9:31:00 AM
WEEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE ! ! ! ! !
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Leo Beligan
12/14/2008 9:38:00 PM
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of
your body goes first?





Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."



"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,

"Because when you pray, you hold your hands

together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."





"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,

"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

THE NUN FAINTED!
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Leo Beligan
12/15/2008 5:57:00 PM
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning


Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu .. If people want a crche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

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Leo Beligan
12/17/2008 10:04:00 PM
When you
were born, you were crying and everyone around
you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die, you're the one
smiling
and everyone around you is crying.

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Leo Beligan
12/19/2008 7:12:00 AM
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. (I sent this in large type so you can
read it.) WHAT DA YA SAY???


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Leo Beligan
12/21/2008 8:12:00 AM
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at Home "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She responded, "While you were at it you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.



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Ernie
12/21/2008 8:40:00 AM
HAHAHA, HIHIHI!!!!! Naitapliak pay to kape kabsat!!
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Leo Beligan
12/23/2008 9:42:00 PM
Sticker on Fruits - know what the number means
Thought I share this interesting article with you.
I do not pay much attention to the 'sticker' on fruits and actually peel it off before I wash them. However, I will now make it a point to check it out the next time I see them i.e. provided I can still remember what each number stands for given my memory lapse syndrome.Have fun ..
Subject: Sticker on Fruits - know what the number means



Sticker on Fruits - know what the number means



I just found this out about a month ago and I've been an organic vegan for over four years, go figure.
That just goes to say that we must all remain as students and continue to learn and learn never stop
studying and gaining new information.

Okay, so what did I learn?
I learned that sticker labels on the fruits actually tell you how the fruits have been grown whether they
were organically grown or conventionally grown with pesticides and herbicides; oh, and let's not forget
about the genetically engineered fruits.

Conventional Fruit Labels
Four digits and does not start with 9
** mostly starting with the digit 4







Organic Fruit Labels
Five digits and starts with number 9


Genetically Modified Fruits
Starts with the digit 8
So next time you go shopping, remember these critical numbers and know
how to avoid purchasing inorganic and GMO fruits.
Shop Safe :)

This is good to know because stores aren't obligated to tell you if a fruit has been genetically
modified (grrr¡­.)


Okay, so if you come across an apple in the store and it's label is 4922, it's an conventional apple grown with herbicides
and harmful fertilizers.
If it has a sticker 99222, it's organic and safe to eat.
If it says 89222, then RUN!!!! It has been genetically modified (GMO).








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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/11/2009 7:39:00 PM
DID YOU GO TO YOUR CHURCH TODAY?

A church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.

"I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons.

But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them.

So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor.

It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this...They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishnment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/13/2009 8:26:00 PM
LAST SUPPER SHOPPING

Husband and wife were conversing a few days before the end of the year.

Husband says: "Did you make a New Year's resolution for the year 2008, dear?"

Wife says: "Yes, I promise starting the first of January I'll spend less money at the mall."

Husband says: "That's wonderful. Now, how would you like to spend New Year's Eve?"

Wife answered: "I want tp go to the mall and shop like crazy until midnight."
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Leo Beligan
1/15/2009 8:01:00 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'

The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'

The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession #2
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The Priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'

The Priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The Priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession #3
An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.
'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon's Dog Has Died......
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ye' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ye' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye' tell
me the dog was Catholic?'

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Leo Beligan
1/16/2009 5:14:00 AM
> THE HISTORY OF THE "MALAS" NATION.
> AUTHOR : AN ANONYMOUS PINOY
>
> WHAT'S the big deal when Lapu-Lapu killed Magellan in 1521? Nothing
> much really. During Lapu-Lapu's time, Mactan was strictly tribal.
> Think small, gid. There were no big ideas such as nationalism or
> geopolitics.
>
> Lapu-Lapu was simply, the local siga-siga and Magellan was the
> culture-shocked Westerner, a native first-timer in the exotic east.
>
> We lionize Lapu-Lapu as a hero and nationalist. Ang totoo, mayabang
> lang si Lapu-Lapu. But his defeat of a foreign invader, did not make
> a Filipino nation. The timing was wrong. And don't you believe that
> bull That Spanish explorers came to find spices of the East to
> improve the taste of their bland cuisine. Their hidden agenda was to
> spread their kingdom through colonization, the euphemism for land
> grabbing..
>
> During the 333 years of Spanish rule (1565-1898), hundreds of
> reb ellion were waged by native firebrands in many parts of the
> archipelago.
>
> Not one succeeded. Our rebels were either caught, garotted, or
> simply ignored by the Commandante as nuisances. Puro malas!
>
> The execution of Rizal in 1896 was a traumatic experience for
> Filipinos. Those who read Rizal's Fili and Noli were incensed by
> the Abuses of the church and state regime of the Spaniards.
> Emotions ran high, from Aparri to Jolo. The critical mass needed for
> nationhood was formed. At Last we could rebel as a people, as a
> nation.
>
> The Katipunan did their battle heroics, originally led by the
> firebrand Bonifacio and later on by the crafty Aguinaldo. With more
> Katipunan charges (Sugod mga Kapatid), freedom seemed possible.
> Between 1897 and 1899, stealth, betrayal, and skullduggery bedeviled
> our prospect for independence. The Aguinaldo and Bonifacio factions
> engaged in an ugly infighting (the talangka mentality) resulting in
> the execution of Bonifacio.
>
> Meantime, an American Admiral named Dewey (not Dewey Dee, the fast
> one) entered Manila Bay and defeated a luckluster Spanish navy.
> Aguinaldo reneged on the pact of Biak na bato. He resumed the
> revolution by proclaiming the Philippine Independence in Kawit.
>
> Meanwhile, American and Spanish soldiers held a "moromoro" battle in
> Int ramuros with the Spaniards surrendering. Aguinaldo's republic
> and his KKK patriots were left out and ignored. Naisahan tayo.
> Minalas na naman.
>
> The Filipino-American War broke out. Tall American soldiers looking
> like Clark Gable chased and battled the outlawed Filipino
> revolutionaries, ending in the capture of Aguinaldo in Isabela.
> Thanks to the mercenaries from Macabebe. This was the mother of all
> kamalasan.
>
> At that time, our population was 8 million. The gap between the
> rich and the poor was estimated at 30% middle-class and rich, 70%
> low-class and rural poor.
>
> During the Commonwealth period (1901-1941), which followed, there
> were lots of learning on democratic principles, its structure and
> governance. Technology transfers were done on Constitutional
> Rights, Public Education, Transportation, Health, International
> Trade and Industrialization. The Americans turned out to be good
> tutors. Filipinos also went crazy over American brand products like
> Libby's corned beef and Portola sardines, Hershey's Kisses and
> Wrigley's chewing gum, Camel cigarettes and Model T Ford for the
> hacienderos of Pampanga and Iloilo .
>
> Hollywood films made Pinoy males fantasize on Jean Harlow, Betty
> Grable, and Mae West. Thus, Filipino colonial mentality began. We
> fondly called this period Peace Time. By the way, A merican troops
> massacred innocent people in Balanguiga. Mga hayup din pala!
>
> 1941. Disaster! World War II! After attacking Pearl Harbor , the
> Japanese army invaded our country defeating the combined American
> and Filipino forces (USAFFE). General McArthur, the proud and
> handsome Army chief, fled to Australia at the height of the battle.
>
> For four miserable years we suffered the sadism of the Japanese
> militarists rule. Torture, famine, and death were for us, the order
> of the day. Kawawa. Malas na malas!
>
> The American forces returned in 1945 to liberate the country.
> McArthur, General superiority complex himself, sporting Ray Ban
> sunglasses and corncob pipe swaggered back to Manila . Piqued at his
> humiliation in 1941, McArthur ordered the bombing and shelling of
> Manila till kingdom come.
>
> The whole-wide expanse South of Pasig - from Post Office to Vito
> Cruz, including all of Intramuros - was pulverized. Manila was the
> most destroyed city of World War II next to Tokyo .
>
> Our culture, our heritage, and historical assets (seven beautiful
> churches in Intramuros, hundreds of elegant Art Deco and neo-
> classical architecture in Paco ) were sacrificed reck
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Leo Beligan
1/16/2009 5:16:00 AM
Our culture, our heritage, and historical assets (seven beautiful
> churches in Intramuros, hundreds of elegant Art Deco and neo-
> classical architecture in Paco ) were sacrificed recklessly and
> completely erased from the face of the earth. Sayang na sayang!
>
> In 1946, we gained our Independence from the A mericans. We were a
> free nation at last. We had enough exposure and lessons on how to
> govern a democratic country, the first in Asia . Our population was
> 17 million. The dollar exchange was US$1 to P2.
>
> But there was still no peace from 1947 to 1966. A widespread
> communist rebellion led by Taruc, the Lava brothers, and its armed
> guerillas called Hukbalahap waged bloody war with government
> troops. Filipinos killed kapwa Filipinos. Malas na naman!
>
> Our politicians and bureaucrats learned to engage in graft and
> corruption (What are we in power for?) - such as the war surplus
> bribery, the Tambobong wheeler-dealing and the Namarco scam. Talo!
>
> Six presidents were elected to manage the country from 1947 to 1972,
> under the democratic system. They were Presidents Roxas, Quirino,
> Magsaysay, Garcia, Macapagal, and Marcos.
>
> Economists looked back to the decades of the 50s and 60s as the best
> years of the Philippine economy, surpassing Asian countries. The
> nostalgia was naiveté, a useless ego-tripping. The gap between the
> rich and the poor remained big. 30% middle-class and rich, 70% low-
> class, rural and urban poor. We were 27 million people. US$1 was to
> P4.
>
> During the late 60's, the Maoist communists led by Commander Dante
> intensified its drive to overthrow the govern ment. Marcos added
> fuel to the fire by creating a communist spook. Violence and mayhem
> rule the streets. The youth went up in arms! Martial Law was
> declared in 1972 and Marcos became dictator. Freedom of assembly and
> expression went out of the window.
>
> What followed were years of dictatorial abuse, crony capitalism,
> shackled free enterprise, near economic collapse and a demoralized
> middle class. The gap between the rich (30%) and poor (70%) remained
> in a quagmire. Pareho rin pala ang situation.
>
> Our population was 40 million. Exchange rate was US$1 to P7.
> Kawawang kawawa! Malas na malas! In 1983, Ninoy Aquino, Marcos'
> exiled arch rival, was assassinated upon his return. Push came to
> shove. Cardinal Sin egged on the people on to protest. Outrage, self-
> pity, shame and fury raged and rumbled like a tidal wave,
> culminating in the incredible People Power Revolution. The very sick
> and obstinate Marcos fled (hijacked by Americans from Clark) to
> Hawaii (sounds like Paoay) where he died. His alleged millions of
> stolen dollars intact and unresolved. Up to now... Peso to dollar
> exchange is now P20 to $1.
>
> But People Power was our shining glory! The whole world applauded
> our saintly courage, our dignified defiance, our bloodless solution
> to expel a dictator. We were the toast of all fre edom-loving
> countries, the envy of all oppressed people. In 1986, we placed Cory
> Aquino, Ninoy's widow, in Malacañang. She was virtuous, sincere and
> full of good intentions for the country. But what happens?
>
> Coup attempts by Honasan, power struggle, political squabbles, and
> the infighting for juicy deals harassed the amateur Cory presidency.
> So nothing happened. No progress took place. The economy was still
> bad. The poor suffered more and more. Sure we got democracy back on
> its feet. But the Filipino resolve didn't happen. People Power pala
> was ningas cogon power.
>
> Sayang na sayang! Tha gap between the rich and the poor remained at
> 30% (middle-class and rich), 70% (lower-class and rural/urban poor).
> Exchange rate was US$1 to P25. We were 55 million people.
>
> In 1992, Cory's choice, Fidel Ramos, West Pointer, soldier, and hero
> of the People Power won the presidency. He had the bearing, the
> single-mindedness and the vision to bring the country to a tiger
> economy status. Ramos was a terrific salesman of the Philippines to
> the world. He was able to hype a climate of an economic ground. He
> removed barriers to progress. He was an apostle of privatization.
> His mantra was, less government, more private sector! Fidel hit the
> right note and the economy went on a roll. Fidel wanted to run=2 0for
> reelection but failed to swing the cha-cha (an idiotic acronym for
> Constitutional Change) so he could run again.
>
> In 1997, the Asian economic crises struck, triggered by a balloons
> burst of the hyper speculative Bangkok economy. The financial
> debacle created a disastrous effects in the investment institutions
> of Manila , Jakarta , Kuala Lumpur , Hong Kong, Seoul , and Taiwan . All
> the Ramos gains evaporated into thin air. Malas na naman! The poor,
> specially Mang Pandoy, were poorer than ev
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Leo Beligan
1/16/2009 5:18:00 AM
In 1997, the Asian economic crises struck, triggered by a balloons
> burst of the hyper speculative Bangkok economy. The financial
> debacle created a disastrous effects in the investment institutions
> of Manila , Jakarta , Kuala Lumpur , Hong Kong, Seoul , and Taiwan . All
> the Ramos gains evaporated into thin air. Malas na naman! The poor,
> specially Mang Pandoy, were poorer than ever.
>
> 1998 was showbiz time! The Erap para sa mahirap show opened to the
> chagrin of Makati Business Club. Pasensya na po kayo, mga elitists.
> Democracy is also weird. The choice of the masa must be respected.
>
> Catastrophe! Chavit Singson exploded jueteng bombs! For days on
> end, a nation sick in the stomach, sat through primetime TV aghast
> at watching the bizarre drama of alleged bribery, gambling,
> drunkenness, womanizing, deceit, and corruption. A lantern-jawed
> witness and a sexy intelligence "asset" hogged the witness stand.
>
> Viewing the scandals on TV was like watching dogs mating in the
> public square. It's embarrassing but you can't take your eyes of
> them.
>
> The impeachment trial serialized on TV was riveting. The defense
> lawyers, some wearing a canine sneer (ngiting aso) insul ted our
> intelligence often. (Lokohin n'yo ang lelang n'yo). The whole
> country was stinking to high heavens. The prosecution produced its
> own witnesses - Clarissa Ocampo, Emma Lim, Carmencita Itchon and
> many others.
>
> Idols with feet of clay fell crashing into the dust. Those who
> voted against opening the enveloped were legalese, procedural, and
> sounding intellectually brilliant. Also heartless and thick-skinned.
> They couldn't fathom the heartbeat of the nation. Cardinal Sin,
> aging and sickly, called the people again. It was People Power II!
> Same humongous and collective umbrage, same brinkmanship, and same
> staccato prayers! Generals Reyes and Villanueva simply joined the
> mammoth EDSA crowd. No US jets from Clark this time. Erap was out!
> Gloria was in!
>
> Hope springs eternal. Malacañang regained its honor and dignity.
> Protocol was observed. Absurdity was gone. Grammatical English was
> back.
>
> 2001. More catastrophies! The peso plummeted to a horrifying P51 to
> US$1. The Abu Sayyaf (extremist ideologues? Or mindless barbarians)
> were into kidnapping and terrorism, gaining worldwide notoriety.
> Businesses are still closing shop. Thousands of workers are being
> retrenched. Prices of food and gasoline are very high. (Galunggong
> is P80 per kilo!) Our streets became permanent garbage dumps.
> Ma ggots multiply to spread disease. Our communities stink.
>
> Again, the whole nation was witnessing sickening crimes attributed
> to people in the government. Talo na naman! We are now 75 million
> people but the gap between the rich, 30% (middle-class and rich),
> 70% (lower-class and rural/urban poor) remains the same for one
> century.
>
> When will this end? It's been more than 350 years since Lapu's-
> Lapu's victory, 100 years since Rizal martyrdom and we're nowhere as
> a people, as a nation. Malas pa rin!
>
> Some wise guy said the Filipino is a damaged culture. Bully! And
> what do you call other foreigners. They used slaves in their
> plantations, and landgrabbed from the natives! What should we call
such culture? Predatory Culture? Bully Culture? What about another
> country? How many countries did it put under the barrel of its
> gunships, so they could gloat that the sun never sets on their
> empire? What shall we call this culture?
>
> Sahib culture? Cunga Din culture? C'mon, give us a break!
>
> We Filipinos have strengths and endearing values.. We are Christians,
> God-fearing, and peace-loving. We are patient and tolerant (matiisin
> to a fault). We are musical. We sing our blues away. We have a sense
> of humor. (We concoct and text Imelda hyperboles and Erap
> malapropism. ) We learn fast because we are bilingual and highly
> educated. We've got thousands of MBA's and PhD's in economics and
> management from AIM, WHARTON, HARVARD, UCLA, etc (most of them now
> overseas).
>
> We've got a surplus of technocrats for nation-building. We want to
> work if there are vacancies. We want to go into business if we have
> the capital.
>
> We want to obey the law if the law is being enforced. We want to
> live and die here, if there is peace and order.
>
> But, but, and but. We have many shortcomings. We are immature in our
> politics. Given a choice on whom to elect: a handsome pabling movie
> star or an honest and brilliant political scientist, we'll vote for
> the movie star.
>
> No brainer tayo dito. Talo! We have many stupidities. Like dogs, we
> pee (Bawal umihi dito) on walls and tires. Our driving is suicidal.
> Our service quality is inferior.
>
> Clerks at City Hall act arrogant. Sales ladies at department stor
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Leo Beligan
1/16/2009 5:21:00 AM
Clerks at City Hall act arrogant. Sales ladies at department stores
> don't know their product features. Tourists get mugged by thugs in
> uniform.
>
> Police lay traps so they can catch you and ask for bribe. What's
> wrong with us? We don't have a great leader. And good governance.
> (In Singapore , Lee Kwan Yew did it. The constituency profile is
> similar to Filipinos.) Admittedly, this country is impossible,20
> tiresome, and frustrating. But it's the only country we've got. We
> live and die here.
>
> When will we ever see the dawn??
>

>
> Dios na mahabagin, isalba Mo po kami. Hindi po kami talunan. At lalo
> pong hindi
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Leo Beligan
1/16/2009 5:24:00 AM
Dios na mahabagin, isalba Mo po kami. Hindi po kami talunan. At lalo
> pong hindi kami tanga! Sunod-sunod lang po talaga ang malas..




=
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Leo Beligan
1/17/2009 12:36:00 PM
THE SINS OF MAN
(Part IX- ATHEISM)
By THE FOX

What is ATHEISM?

"ATHEISM is a man-made principle where one professed , theorized or proposed the NON-EXISTENCE of a Supreme Being". This is different from Agnosticism.

There are several types of ATHEISM but we shall cite the 3 major ones:

1. The ancient atheism (The Socratescism)
2. Darwinism
3. Communism

A. Ancient Atheism: Socrates, a noted Greek philosopher, is the Father of Modern Ideas. The Plutonian and Aristotelian philosophies , as well as the Hegelian (Pantheism), Machiavellian, Marxism and other human thoughts and ideas can traced their origin from the Socratescian philosophy. Its called the 'Age of Reasoning'.

What is this man-made principle all about?

According to Socrates, 'the existence of the Supreme Being just began in the mind of human beings'! Short to say, 'man invented God'!.

What Socrates, a Greek, failed to see and analyze are:

a. How did the Red Sea divide itself when Nabi Musa and the Yahudis passed through it if there was no intervention from the Supreme Being?

b. How can he explain the Ark of Nabi Noh as narrated in the Word of Truth and backed-up by archeological findings which were discovered at the foot of Mt. Ararat in what is now the Asian side of Turkey?

c. And what about the miracles performed by Isah al Masih: how would he explain those things?

B. Charles Darwin's 'Theory of Evolution' believes 'that man evolved from ape'. Meaning: man's ancestors are apes which runs counter to the Biblical narration that 'man was created PERFECT!

This is what Darwin dubbed as the 'gradual development of the human specie', from that of a primitive structure to the current modern man. He defended his thesis by employing the discovery of the fossilized Peking Man, Java Man, Cro Magnon Man and the like.

If Darwin's 'Theory of Selective Evolution' is right, then I would like to ask him these following questions:

a. How come some species of ape still exist today?

b. Why don't I look, think and act like an ape?

c. Why do man have the 'will power' and could determine 'what is right or wrong', while apes don't have that capabilities?

But what about the Peking Man and the Java Man?

My position is this: I believe they are apes who were created long before man came into being. Remember, God created the 'lower form of animals' before man!

C. Communism: The Communists or Marxists, whether Leninist, Maoist or Stalinist, share or has the SAME REASON with the Socratescian philosophy why God doesn't exist to them! As we have indicated earlier, most contemporary philosophies branched from the Greek ideas and reasonings, and it includes communism!

During my younger bad-old-days, I also flirted and toyed the communist ideology primarily because it was a FAD that time to imitate revolutionaries like Ernesto Inti 'Che' Guevarra, the Argentinian- born Marxist who aided Fidel Castro win the revolution in Cuba by ousting the Batista regime.

Brethren, a GODLESS principle, whatever it may be, is DEFINITELY A TABOO TO THE ALMIGHTY! Why don't we stick to God who is PERFECT and COULD NOT CREATE ERROR!?

Look what happened to our world which was greatly influenced by these man-made philosophies: THEY CRUMBLE and eventually, COLLAPSED!

But with the Almighty, there is HOPE (not the cigarette brand, please!) and a much better future for the earth!

Let's cling and hold on to Him!
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Leo Beligan
1/17/2009 12:38:00 PM
Concurring opinion:

1. Socrates has always ended up being the victim of his unrelenting cross-examination method of thinking and reasoning. Take the paraphrase of one of his arguments: "Man invented God". For one, this Socratic argument exemplies the fallacy of Petition Principii (begging the question). If God came later than man, who or what began or "invented" man. The Socratic premise is that existence begins in the mind. Note that Socrates assumes the existence of a MIND. Granted that God's existence began in the mind of human beings, then the existence of man began in the mind of who? [Socrates preceded Darwin; therefore, Socrates falling back on evolution is absurd.]

The Universe preceded man. In whose mind did the existence of the Universe [stars, planets, asteroids, etc.] begin?

With further reductio ad absurdum that space and brods' patience won't allow, Socrates argument dissolves into a mere academic exercise in logic.

2. Evolution is a process with stages. Empirical evidence established but also befell his theory of evolution. Let's begin with 2008 AD. That is a span of more than 2000 years up to now. There were apes for sure 2000 years ago. There are still apes in 2008. But, there is no evidence of an evolution, even in the early stages, from ape to man. No evidence, no sign, no hint, no microscopic detail of the ape evolving into the Neanderthal, then into the Cro-Magnon man. Were there Neanderthals or Cro-Magnons, as babies, teenagers, machos in the last 2008 years? Any proof? Nyet, nada, nothing. The ape now and the ape 2000 years have been the same - living, eating, communicating with each other the same way. Very different from man. Bottom line, no change. For one thing, Darwinism is just a fad, a escape for the atheists or agnostics, who cannot accept the existence of God or who believe God failed them as they have experienced it so when their wishes or prayers were not answered the way they hand wanted, and therefore, to them there is no God.

3. The easiest to rebut is the Communist theory. It has been self-serving for the Communists to believe there is no God. People should adore and owe allegiance to, only the STATE. They should turn only to the STATE and no other.
Yes, the STATE is the god and not GOD.

BY LORETO SANTIAGO, ESQ.
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/17/2009 1:25:00 PM
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
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Leo Beligan
1/17/2009 7:18:00 PM
What category do you fall in?

Answer is requested.



Heinz



I thought it was kind of hard.



I always fail these simple tests!



Even "Keep it simple, Stupid." does not apply to me!



The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'



ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?












--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/18/2009 9:44:00 AM
Naladaw a nakariing ni Sider ta medyo nakulimlim ti agsapa. Inbaga ni tatang na nga mapan agsibug ti tabakoda idiay turod a taltalonen da.

TATANG: Agriing ka ta inka agsibug ti tabako. Dimo liplipatan nga itugot ta annanga,amangan to ketdi agtudo no agawidka, adda usarem.

SIDER: Agtudo met gayam, apay pay laeng nga mapanak agsibug ti tabako?

TATANG: Anya ketdin aya! E di agannanga ka?
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Ernie
1/18/2009 10:42:00 AM
HEHEHE, sabali met ngamin ta sibug sabali met ti tudo, 'niakamet aya kabsat Sider, hehehe. Annanga, kasla payong?
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Leo Beligan
1/18/2009 11:44:00 AM
Looking Back
Humabon’s conversion wasn’t for religion
By Ambeth Ocampo -- Philippine Daily Inquirer – 14 January 2009


Last Friday we had the annual feast of the Black Nazarene of Quiapo. We are told the image was brought to the Philippines from Mexico, and one wonders if it was originally black or became black with age and with the soot of candle smoke or incense. I don’t know what type of wood was used to make the image. A detailed scientific study of a splinter can probably tell us the true age of the Nazareno and, perhaps, the place in Mexico it came from. January fiestas start with the Nazareno, an image of the suffering Christ bent and tired from carrying that heavy cross. Devotees are predominantly male and they do come in force on Jan. 9. The women prefer the off-fiesta season, when Quiapo Church is more approachable even when jam-packed on a Friday. As a boy, I remember seeing old ladies wearing different colors at appointed days: on Fridays, they wore purple with a golden sash like the Nazareno; on Tuesdays, they wore brown with a white tasseled belt with three or four knots dangling from their waists for the Franciscan San Antonio de Padua. There was a day for white with a blue sash for Our Lady of Lourdes. There must have been a particular costume and color to go with the saint of the day, but we seldom see devotees in costume these days.

Mike Tan can probably explain why in January we start off with the fiesta of the Nazarene, the adult Christ for adult men, while all of the Sundays in January are dedicated to the Christ Child,or the Santo Niño, who is venerated in Cebu, Panay, Tondo, San Beda College on Mendiola Street, and all over the country. There are big fiestas dedicated to the Santo Niño like the Sinulog in Cebu, the Ati-atihan in Aklan and so many other places that take the fiesta as an excuse for noise, merriment and street-dancing. What is it in an image that we find comforting? Why do some pray to the Black Nazarene and others to the Santo Niño? Which Christ is easier to approach for favors, the suffering adult or the child that looks and is dressed up like a doll? No wonder the good archbishop of Manila tried in vain to “purify” the fiesta by reminding the deaf flock to see beyond the folk image and see Christ who should be our guide in life.

Historically, the image of the Santo Niño venerated in Cebu is the oldest image in the Philippines, unless this is challenged by the image of the Virgin of Ermita that was also found or “recovered” in the islands by the Legaspi expedition in the 16th century. The image of the Santo Niño was presented to the wife of Rajah Humabon when she was baptized in 1521. She was shown a crucifix and an image of the Virgin Mary but the Queen of Cebu, who was baptized and given the name Juana, was attracted to the Santo Niño and asked for it. Magellan was happy to part with it and after the Battle of Mactan, the Santo Niño remained in Cebuand was found by one of Legazpi’s men in 1565. We will go into the historical details about the Santo Niño in a succeeding column because when I re-read the account of the conversion of Humabon, as narrated by Antonio Pigafetta, chronicler of the Magellan expedition, I realized there was nothing religious about it at all. Magellan threatened the “heathens” who refused to be converted with bodily harm; on the other hand, he promised aid and power to the king so that the latter could subdue his enemies.

The mass conversion was held on Sunday, April 14, 1521. The converted were given new names: Humabon became Carlos, in honor of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V. (The same man who was Carlos I of Spain is the same “Carlos Primero” and “Emperador” we associate with brandy rather than history today.) His wife was christened Juana in honor of Charles V’s mother, who is better known in history as “Juana la Loca” or “Joanna the Mad,” and the poor queen of Cebu didn’t know this bit of the story. Kolambu was named Juan and his wife, Isabel. Two others were named Fernando, one in honor of Ferdinand Magellan, the other in honor of Fernando, the son of Charles V.

Pigafetta described Magellan and Humabon embracing and later sitting on chairs of red and violet with chieftains and other notables on cushions: “The captain told the king through the interpreter that he thanked God for inspiring him to become a Christian; and that (now) he would more easily conquer his enemies than before. The king replied that he wished to become a Christian, but that some of his chiefs did not wish to obey.… Then our captain had all the chiefs of the king called, and told them that, unless they obeyed the king as their king, he would have them killed, and would give their possessions to the king.… The captain told the king that he was going to Spain but that he would return again with so many forces, that he would make him the greatest king of those regions, as he had been the first to express a determination to become a Christian.”

Then
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Bart Ikero
1/18/2009 7:44:00 PM
Ka Ernie ti ammok nga ANNANGA ket daytay bulong ti anahaw wenno silag nga inda pinagsusukob, no usarem ket iyukkor mo dita tengged pangsalaknib laeng ta bukot no pinagtutudo. Usually, this is worn together with a BISTUKOL as we call it which is made of gourd(tabungaw) like a helmet.

Makapalagip man dayta joke ni kabsat Isidro. This is a typical experience in a barrio setting. Napad-padasak met ti kastoy idi, uray mapan kami ag-iskuela idi.

Saan a nakalusot ni Sider, ta uray no agtudo ket agsibog latta a kas inbaga ni tatangna.
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Ernie
1/18/2009 8:22:00 PM
Kayat lang ni Tatangna a rummuar siguro ta agkukurrot met dita uneg ti balay, hehehe...
Napadasak met sangkabassit ti napan nangruruot ti kanen diay baka dagiti kakasinsinko nga mannalon(Hawayano ngamin ni Tatang ket adda dolyar a sumangsangpet isu nga awan bakami)....makapalagip a kas kunam....ubingak nga immay ditoy haway kabsat....

Tabungaw ammok ngem annanga ket new to me....
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/19/2009 8:42:00 AM
Agpas-pasundo ni Tasing ken daytay boyfriend na nga Arabo. Minalas ta nakidinnungpar iti maysa a kotse ket na-total wreck.

BOYFRIEND: Sweetie Pie, can I come later? My car broke, I'll just blow the horn when I'm there, bye..

TASING: Okay hon....what car will you bring?

BOYFRIEND: Nothing....just the HORN.....

hehehehehe....diay busina ti bisekleta?
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Leo Beligan
1/19/2009 5:50:00 PM
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service --
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Ernie
1/19/2009 6:16:00 PM
NAKAPUGSOAK PAY YORZ.....HAHAHAHAHA....Maxine, tinkio, ituloyko ngarud ti sumimsim ti CR sagpaminsan, hehehe....mayat kaka!!!
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Dr. Kwak
1/19/2009 6:49:00 PM
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

One night as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tommorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tommorrow, too?"
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Leo Beligan
1/19/2009 10:11:00 PM
FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:

1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
7. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish'
(The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu ? We hab sopdrink in can an in batol?
[translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises -
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like.......
17. In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the Philippines : ? Wanted: Boy Waitress?
18. On a highway in Pampanga: ?We Make Modern Antique Furniture?
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : ? We Shoot You While You Wait?
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila :?Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier?. Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: ? We Sell Imported Robber Shoes? (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: ? House For Rent, Fully Furnaced?
(it must really be hot inside)!
23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd.
City in southern Philippines which said: ?Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation? .
24. European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia
- which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
25. Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient. ? The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, ?says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign ..... House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?
26. According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because?We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive?. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.

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Leo Beligan
1/20/2009 10:27:00 PM
Mexican Maid



A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and asked: "Now Maria why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: " Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: "Your husband said so."


Wife: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who says you are a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh"

Maria: "And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the Gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE.....OLE! !!!

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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/21/2009 7:45:00 PM
STORY OF A STORE CART

Once upon a time, in a store not far away, there lived a kind and gentle store cart. This cart likes to carry goods from the store shelves to the shopper's cars. The cart knew that the goods it carries make people happy. On regular days, the cart usually stands cramped in the midst of a long line of other carts outside the store. Most often, it stands outside in the rain or in the heat of the sun, or on the sides of aisles, or left by the door all alone. You see, this cart has a broken front wheel.

One day on Christmas Eve, holiday spirit filled the air while last minute Christmas shoppers came rushing in to shop for presents and groceries.

The shoppers took the carts one by one. And the cart with the broken wheel was taken also, and this made the broken cart happy. On this special day, the broken cart wanted to carry goods that would bring joy to many people. But the cart knew that as soon as the lady shopper finds out about its broken wheel, it would be abandoned somewhere in the store.

The lady shopper had a long list and straight away headed to the toys area. Shghe reached the packaged gifts and placed them in the cart. As the lady pushed the cart, she suddenly noticed it wobbling and swerving toward the right. She struggled to keep the cart going straight.

"Oh no, I knew it! She's going to dump me!" the cart mumbled. "Just like the many other times before. Why can't they fix my broken wheel?"

The lady shopper left the broken cart and came back with another cart. She picked up the merchandise and placed them in the other cart and pushed the broken cart away.

The broken cart landed by the shelves, wishing to be taken again. But almost every shopper was pushing a cart already and they all went past it.

A few minutes later, the broken cart heard two lady shoppers talking. And they didn't have carts. Not even baskets. They came to pick up some light bulbs but upon seeing many sale items, they decided that they needed a cart after all.

"Please take me!" the abandoned cart screamed. The ladies saw the empty cart, looked around to make sure it didn't belong to anyone. Then one of them took the broken cart and the cart was very happy again.

"Now I can carry good things to make people very happy for Christmas," the broken cart said to itself.

As the lady pushed the cart, it started to wobble and right away she noticed the broken wheel. The lady thought of getting another cart, but she didn't. She continued to push the cart. She placed everything she wanted, all the while struggling to keep the cart from bumping onto shelves and people along its way. She continued to straighten the cart out as she pushed until her arms hurt.

Finally, the broken cart delivered its heavy load all the way to the lady's car. This made the broken cart very glad, for the goods it carried will make people very happy on Christmas Day.

....Isn't it true that each time you take an empty cart from an aisle inside the store, it is usually broken and abandoned? Isn't it also true in life, people abandon not only store carts but also broken things, pets even people - children and the elderly? They abandon them because something's wrong with them - they had become a burden - a big load for them to carry. So they are abondoned - anywhere and everywhere.........hope you are like the lady who chose the broken cart all the way.
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Dr. Kwak
1/23/2009 9:16:00 PM
DOK: Simula ngayon, bawal na sa iyo ang karne, seafoods lang ang puede mong kainin.

PEDRO: Ano ho yon?

DOK: Mga hayop na lumalangoy.

Kinabukasan:
MISIS NI PEDRO: Nasaan ang amo mo, Inday?

INDAY: Nasa swimming pool po tinuturuang lumangoy yung baboy!!!!!!
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/24/2009 7:11:00 PM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/25/2009 4:45:00 PM
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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Isidro Racuya Lozano
1/26/2009 7:06:00 PM
OFFICE MATHEMATICS

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
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Leo Beligan
1/26/2009 9:50:00 PM
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an

armpit , and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.'

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Leo Beligan
1/27/2009 6:25:00 AM
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
> Unique Up On It.
>
> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
> Tame Way.
>
> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
> They Take The Psycho Path
>
> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
> You Boil The Hell Out Of It
>
> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
> Dam!
>
> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
> Polaroid's
>
> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> A Stick
>
> 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
> 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> Subordinate Clauses.
>
> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> Quattro Sinko.
>
> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
> Spoiled Milk.
>
> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
> Frostbite.
>
> 13. What Lie s At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> A Nervous Wreck.
>
> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> Anyone Can Roast Beef!!!
>
> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
> Right Where You Left Him.
>
> 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> Because They Have Big Fingers .
>
> 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> Because It Scares The Dog.
>
> 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
> Sanka.
>
> 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
> The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
>
> 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
> Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
>
> 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
> A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
>
> 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
> Som ebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
>
> Now, admit it.
> At least one of these made you smile
>
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Dr. Kwak
1/27/2009 6:57:00 PM
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said "What?"

Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine, and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

"Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"
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cirenia
5/19/2016 5:47:00 AM
Money, Priorities, Retirement
From the pen of an unknown poet: He always said he would retire When he had made a million clear, And so he toiled into the dusk From day to day, from year to year.
At last he put his ledgers up And laid his stock reports aside. But when he started out to live, He found he had already died.
.............“Keep your life free from the love of money . . . ”
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:15:00 AM
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth."
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2016 6:16:00 AM
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He proudly replies, "So I can beat that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."


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lintik
5/28/2016 5:21:00 AM
As Morris and his wife, Sherry, were planning a vacation, they ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!"

Sherry said. "I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... As they got off the airplane, they passed a man.

Morris abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

"This is Havaii," the man replied. "Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty, "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.

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abigail
6/3/2016 5:31:00 AM
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You think it might be the light that's attracting them?"
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abigail
6/3/2016 5:32:00 AM
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed.

The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
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cirenia
6/19/2016 5:24:00 AM
A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?" The man asks, "Why would I be?"

The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, youll need something to cut the grass with."

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

The young man then replies, "Well, your weekends screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."
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lintik
6/27/2016 6:42:00 AM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
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cirenia
7/3/2016 7:25:00 AM
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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cirenia
7/3/2016 7:27:00 AM
"Hey Mom, my DNA sample results are back from the genealogy place. According to the report I have 44 points of Neanderthal DNA. Does that mean I’m related to a cave man?"

"Yes, dear, it’s from your father’s side of the family."
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abigail
7/23/2016 6:59:00 AM
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.
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abigail
7/23/2016 7:00:00 AM
On the way to spend the weekend with us, our grandchildren noticed a bright star in the sky. Our daughter, Nancy, told them that it was Mars, which was at its closest and brightest in many thousands of years. She went on to provide a simplified explanation of the solar system suitable for her young listeners in the back seat. Nancy ended her explanation with, "We live on a planet called Earth."

After a long pause, my four-year-old grandson asked, "What planet does Grandpa live on?
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abigail
8/1/2016 4:57:00 PM
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."


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abigail
8/1/2016 4:58:00 PM
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together. The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons. The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.

The grandfather replied, "Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt."
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cirenia
8/10/2016 7:55:00 AM
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.

"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
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cirenia
8/10/2016 7:56:00 AM
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!"
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abigail
8/19/2016 5:18:00 PM
Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"
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apdo
8/26/2016 5:45:00 PM
During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."
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abigail
9/1/2016 7:45:00 PM
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."
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abigail
9/5/2016 8:57:00 AM
A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, "Are you our special speaker?"

"Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here," he replied.

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I'm never nervous before I give a big speech."

"If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?"
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abigail
9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
  Top   |  Bottom

abigail
9/20/2016 8:46:00 PM
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
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abigail
9/20/2016 8:47:00 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
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lintik
9/22/2016 8:55:00 PM
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. ??The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." ??The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." ??The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. ??The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. ??The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." ??Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? ??"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
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lintik
9/22/2016 8:56:00 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
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abigail
9/30/2016 5:42:00 PM
I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.

"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card."

"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.

"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."
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cirenia
10/19/2016 6:45:00 PM
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
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abigail
10/31/2016 9:08:00 PM
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
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abigail
11/13/2016 6:43:00 AM
Don't envy those who rose from poverty to succeed in life through hard , persistent and honest work. You don't know what they went through in order to achieve their dreams. Instead of being uselessly green-eyed, do likewise. Be inspired, not upset. No guts, no glory. "We are the captain of our ship and the master of our soul", so the poem goes.
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lintik
11/13/2016 6:58:00 AM
20 CONFUCIUS QUOTES THAT MAY INFLUENCE YOUR LIFE
Confucius (551-479 BC), a philosopher and educator, is one of the most important individuals in Chinese history, and one of the most influential figures in world history. His teachings emphasized morality, correctness of social relationships and justice.
The following are my favorite 20 Confucius quotes which may enlighten you and influence your life:
1. By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest
2. Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated..
3. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
4. Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.
5. When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
6. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
7. Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes
8. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
9. If your plan is for one year, plant rice; if your plan is for ten years, plant trees; if your plan is for 100 years, educate children.
10. The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.
11. Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
12. When anger rises, think of the consequences.
13. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
14. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
15. He who will not economize will have to agonize.
16. Study the past if you would define the future.
17. It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
18. It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate theirs.
19. Give a bowl of rice to a man and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to grow his own rice and you will save his life.
20.The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.
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cirenia
11/27/2016 7:01:00 PM
HERE ARE 13 THINGS MENTALLY STRONG PEOPLE DON'T DO (in case you don't read the article):
1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
2. They don't give away their power.
3. They don't shy away from change.
4. They don't focus on things they can't control.
5. They don'y worry about pleasing everyone.
6. They don't fear taking calculated risks.
7. They don't dwell on the past.
8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over.
9. They don't resent other people's success.
10. They don't give up after the first failure.
11. They don't fear alone time.
12. They don't feel the world owes them anything.
13. They don't expect immediate results.
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abigail
12/6/2016 3:58:00 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle, he said.”
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.
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abigail
12/6/2016 4:03:00 PM
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"
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lintik
12/26/2016 9:31:00 AM
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The little boy says, That won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"



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abigail
1/1/2017 7:13:00 AM
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
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apdo
1/3/2017 8:15:00 AM
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: What denomination do you want?

Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.
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apdo
1/5/2017 7:32:00 AM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
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apdo
1/5/2017 8:30:00 PM
agkumpari iti beach resort:
kumpari 1: "dayta man ti pammagi pari,anian aya!"
kumpari 2: "uray ipiduak 'pri no kasta..."
kellaat a dandani naidaramudom iti pannakaiduronna, asawana gayam ti addan iti likudanna.
asawa:"nalaing a laklakayan! kasano koma a maipaminduam ket maturog met ta tarakenmo uray karugrugi pay la't laban?"
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cirenia
1/9/2017 8:14:00 PM
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. Youve got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis


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lintik
1/15/2017 8:16:00 AM
Dr. Ben Carson (Retired world renowned neurosurgeon, and Republican Presidential Aspirant) wrote this beautiful piece.
Read and be blessed.
Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life.
A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That's life!! Enjoy yours.
If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that.
If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly.
If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. But those who live simply, walk humbly and love genuinely!
All good will come back to you!!!
Man asks, “Where was God when Myles Munroe, wife and his associates were killed in a crash? He answers, "The same place I
sat when John the Baptist my servant was beheaded. When Stephen my servant was stoned to death. When Paul my servant was murdered in Rome. The same place I sat when my only Son was brutally crucified, wounded, bruised and killed. I
have not moved from my position."
I am the same. It is not the means of exit from earth that matters but the
destination. Live simply. It's all about God!!
I love this one: If someone asks about your educational background, proclaim boldly that: Church is my college. Heaven is my university. Father God is my counselor. Jesus is my principal. Holy Spirit is my teacher. Angels are my classmates. Bible is my textbook. Temptations are my exams. Overcoming Satan is my hobby. Winning souls for God is my assignment. Receiving eternity is my degree. Praise and Worship are my slogan. If you are a child of God, i want you to forward this message to all the contact in your phone, God bless you!
JAN 5TH, 8:16PM
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Leo Beligan
2/5/2017 11:57:00 AM
I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
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cirenia
3/15/2017 5:33:00 PM
from my environmentalist friend :

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied : "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area".
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cirenia
3/15/2017 5:35:00 PM
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
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apdo
3/21/2017 8:18:00 PM
Those guys with “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating
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apdo
3/21/2017 8:19:00 PM
Golf Talk
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”


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apdo
3/21/2017 8:20:00 PM
Head And Shoulders
A blonde was in the hairdressers and she says, “My boyfriend has an itchy, flaky scalp, can you recommend anything”?
The hairdresser says “Have you tried “Head and Shoulders”, that should do the trick”
The blonde says “Oh, I never thought of that,……………err, how do you give shoulders”?
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oyasan
4/3/2017 5:38:00 PM
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:52:00 PM
That Creep!
A young girl came home completely exhausted and tired after her honeymoon. …. …. When her friends asked her what happened, she replied : “When that 70 year old bastard told me he had saved a lot from last 50 years, “I thought It was MONEY”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:53:00 PM
Having a dirty mind is okay, but having a clean heart is much more important.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:54:00 PM
Men get more attractive with age. Women…well they just let you put it in more places.
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:56:00 PM
Retirement Home
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:58:00 PM
Fairy Godmother
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”
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apdo
4/18/2017 12:59:00 PM
75th Wedding Anniversary
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
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apdo
4/18/2017 1:00:00 PM
Being the Good Shepherd
19 April 2017
I have always wondered why Jesus did not incite His people into an army to attack those who made a mockery of His teachings, simply admitting that His "army" is not of this Earth.
I now know. It simply would be futile. The mean and the power greedy would have deceived, threatened, and manipulated the gullible and the others who are as mean and power-hungry as themselves to rise up and form an army infinitely more deceitful and cruel and mean.
Instead, Jesus just stood and refused to call His lambs to rise up for Him. He not only washed the feet of His lambs, he also protected them and just made them believe in Him and the kingdom of the Father.
No, shepherding is not leading. It is not being at the head of the flock or even behind them lambs.
I don't know what shepherding entails in today's world. I also do not know if we need good shepherds in our world today or if lambs can be shepherds.
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cirenia
5/7/2017 7:14:00 AM
How would you describe your love life/relationship with your loved one?
1. Double sale - namamangka sa 2 ilog
2. Civil interdiction - nahulinh namamangka sa 2 ilog
3. Guardianship of minors - dating someone too young for me/ dating a minor
4. Trustee - best friend of the gf/bf asked to take care of the gf/bf
5. Res nullius - wala akong lovelife/ i have been abandoned
6. Summary proceeding for declaration of presumptive death - he/she is dead to me now
7. Accretion - started out as friends, after some time (very long time), naging kami/ nagkadevelopan
8. Avulsion - nagbreak sila tapos naging kami agad
9. Purchaser in bad faith - alam kong may bf/gf siyang iba, but I can't help it, I love him/her
10. Mirror Doctrine - I asked her/him kung may gf/bf siya, sabi nya wala, meron pala, pero binreakan na nya and I found out about this nung kami na
11. First in time, first/stronger in right - "Una niya akong minahal!"
12. Subsequent purchaser in good faith and for value - "akin na siya at ako ang huling mamahalin niya!"
13. Apparent authority of agent - yung tulay/nanglalakad ang nalakad
14. Legal separation - cool off muna kami pero kami pa
15. Declaration of nullity on ground of psychological incapacity - break na kami, may saltik sa utak yun e
16. Unclaimed Balances Act - bigla nalang siyang nawala at di na nagparamdam
17. Kidnapping - nasulot ng iba
18. Illegal dismissal - nabreakan ng walang sapat na dahilan
19. Land of the public domain - inalienable ang pag-ibig ko sa iyo, loyal ako
20. Usufruct - nagpapagamit/nanggagamit lang ako
21. Habeas Corpus - nasasakal na ako sa iyo
22. Ancient Document - naagnas na
23. Res Communes - pag malandi
24. Reserva Troncal - mas mahal mo pamilya mo kesa sa akin
25. Domicile - sa iyo pa rin ako uuwi
26. Affidavit of Reappearance - "Tapos ngayon babalik ka kung kelan may MAHAL na akong IBA?!"
27. rebus sic stantibus - there is fundamental change of circumstances which has occured with regard to those exisitng at the time of conclusion of an agreement, and which was not foreseen by the parties... in short, nagbago ka na.
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abigail
6/9/2017 7:00:00 AM
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he could call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately begun to rant at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
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Leo Beligan
6/17/2017 9:17:00 PM
My Point of View: By Dr. Darwin Rasul lll:
Islamic radicalism, also known as militant or political Islam, traces its origin to the advent of European imperialism in the latter half of the 19th century and the end of colonialism. The acquisition of independence by most Muslim countries after World War II saw and accelerated the drive of Muslim reform movements in the Middle East.
The modern social changes and new ideas that accompanied these reforms i.e. nationalism, popular sovereignty, and women’s rights were massive and alien to classical Islamic tradition which has caused disillusionment and the consequent rise of religious resurgence which has taken in the contemporary period and reached its height in the 1970s.
The last 40 years have seen the rise of militant political groups, their rejection of Western civilization, and their ideological demands for jihad for the forceful creation of a unified Islamic state under the rule of Shari’a by getting rid of unjust rulers. But as the classical criteria for jihad were based on the early unified Muslim empire, such however no longer apply since the imposition of the modern nation-state on Middle East societies.
The story tells us that behind the terror in the southern Philippines is a clandestine geopolitical "theatrical" play of the US State Department in southeast Asia. The last more than a decade saw the fall of the Taliban government in Afghanistan, the bombings in Bali, Indonesia, the recent Qatar problematic experience, and the continuing extremist terror in the southern Philippines show an increasing focus on the middle east and Southeast Asia as the new fronts in U.S. self-proclaimed “war on terrorism.”
The so called radical operations of al-Qaeda in Singapore, Malaysia, and the Philippines; and the alleged presence of the Jemaah Islamiah (JI), Abu Sayyaf, Laskar Jihad, and the Kumpulan Mujahideen Malaysia were a conglomerate of “terrorists” which, curiously to ousiders, some analysts say, are but a US 'creation' to justify and maintain US presence and hegemony in the region.
The Philippines is part of Southeast Asian security system, a strategic location for US troops to establish a foothold for its military activities in the world. To contain the Muslim world is just among the strategic aims for the US balance of power.
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