isabella
4/11/2012 8:37:00 PM
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After dining at the karinderia and the movies, Lakay Flor takes his new 60-yr-old girlfriend to an apartel for some fun and games. When he slid his hand under her blouse to grab her boobs she giggled and pulled her top off. Lakay Flor started right away to bounce, squeeze and suck on her tits. He is surprisingly pleased to suck some thick sweet delicious liquid from her boobs, so he kept on sucking like a hungry baby for several minutes.
"Wow, woman!" Lakay Flor exclaimed. "That was some warm sweet delicious milk. Aren't you too old to be producing milk?"
"Yes," she replied, "but I'm not too old to have cancer!"
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Leo Beligan
4/13/2012 2:47:00 PM
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A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton. "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine." Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location." Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
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abigail
4/16/2012 7:04:00 AM
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New medical students were made to take an extremely difficult
class in physics. One day the lecturer was discussing a particularly
difficult concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we need to
learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the lecturer responded quickly and
continued. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how
does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps idiots like you from
graduating," replied the lecturer
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isabella
4/16/2012 3:36:00 PM
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Hi hi hi! Lola Aby, isu met la gayam a saan a naka-graduate ni Lakay Flor.
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Leo Beligan
4/19/2012 7:24:00 AM
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The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted..
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED..?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
sagot kadagiti adda parrot na.
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BORIS
4/21/2012 11:11:00 PM
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Lakay Flor visited an asylum asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the doctor, we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said Lakay Flor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
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isabella
4/22/2012 1:22:00 PM
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Boris caught Lakay Flor masturbating, "I thought you just came back from the Whore House?"
"Yes I did," replied Lakay Flor. "There is a sign at the whore house which read 'Beat It we are closed!'"
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abigail
4/25/2012 6:27:00 AM
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A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's really odd. Earlier I had a twenty-dollar bill inside, but now it's gone. Instead, I see four fives." "Well," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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justine
4/26/2012 6:00:00 PM
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Q. What did lesbian partners, Abigail and Isabella, say to each other?
A. It's true, we do taste like chicken!
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MILIG
4/29/2012 7:33:00 AM
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Two Arabs, Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid moved to Paris where they
made friends with a French guy named Jean-Paul.
They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day . . .
Jean - Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about
Jean-Paul that would help find him.
Abd-al-Rahman says . . . "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall"
Police say . . . "Most Frenchmen are like that . . . Give us something specific"
Abd-al-Rashid says . . . "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"
Police say . . . "C'mon guys,
lots of Frenchmen
have blue eyes and fair hair, tell us something specific"
Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid. . . "Oh yes, Now we remember!
Jean-Paul had two holes in his ass !!!"
The Policemen get really interested . . . "Now that's something very
specific - but tell us, how do you know this ?? Have you guys seen it???
Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid . . . "No we haven't actually seen
the holes, but wherever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say
. . . "Here comes Jean-Paul with the TWO assholes."
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BORIS
5/2/2012 9:28:00 PM
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Lakay Flor and his wife rushed into a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want any gas or numbing cream because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You certainly are a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turned to her husband and said, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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abigail
5/5/2012 3:46:00 PM
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Rebekah and her neighbor were talking about their daughters. Rebekah said, "My daughter is at the university. She's very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her, we have to go to the dictionary." Her neighbor said, "You are so fortunate. Every time we hear from our daughter, we have to go to the bank."
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isabella
5/6/2012 7:22:00 PM
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Last Saturday night, to celebrate Justine's birthday, her gay friends Boris and Lakay Flor took her to a male strip club. She had to admit some of those guys were quite attractive.
To get the evening moving, Boris started waving a fifty-peso bill, and a male stripper came right up to them. He licked the bill and stuck it on the dancer's butt who started gyrating right on his face.
Lakay Flor was getting pretty turned on so he took out a hundred, licked it and slapped it on the stripper's other butt cheek. The stripper gave him a sensual lap dance.
Everyone was looking at Justine, waiting to see what she'd do. She was really embarrassed because all she had was her ATM card. She swiped it down the stripper's butt crack, grabbed the one hundred fifty pesos, and went home.
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Sutil
5/11/2012 6:10:00 PM
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Iyagawam ti agpaimbag Pitong ket nabun-as sa pay la ni bumaket. Saan met la ketdi nga problema a no kaskasano ta adda ak met nga umay makitinnarabay. lol
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justine
5/12/2012 6:48:00 AM
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Hi hi hi! Lola Sutil, adda gayam crush mo kenni manong Pitong, ngem kasano ka nga makitinnaraby to agkalogkalog met dagita tumeng mon!
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abigail
5/16/2012 5:24:00 PM
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Single black female seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404)875-6429 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black Labrador.
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Leo Beligan
5/20/2012 9:36:00 AM
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OH WELL !! ... Let's Offend Everybody !!!!!!
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans
On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
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isabella
5/22/2012 7:31:00 PM
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Lakay Flor and his wife sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks must have enjoyed the show," said the usher.
"Disgusting!" said Lakay Flor.
"It was revolting!" Baket Flora added.
"Then why did you sit through the movie twice?" asked the usher.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," Baket Flora replied. "I couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
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Leo Beligan
5/24/2012 5:50:00 PM
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The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the 20 workers in the brewery and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we sometimes get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see , Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Leo Beligan
5/28/2012 7:14:00 AM
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her,
"Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).
Now you've learned a new word
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Leo Beligan
6/1/2012 6:07:00 AM
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the
Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman ever y single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.'
'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change
a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f . . .king wife."
__._,_.___
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abigail
6/4/2012 5:24:00 PM
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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats."
Manong Pitong, ania ti regalom ken ni Manang
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abigail
6/8/2012 4:25:00 PM
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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
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Leo Beligan
6/10/2012 3:22:00 PM
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I LAUGHED SO HARD THE DOG NEXT DOOR STARTING BARKING.
> >
> >
> >
> > Would You Marry Again?
> >
> >
> >A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
> >
> >WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> >
> >WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
> >
> >WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
> >
> >WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
> >
> >HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
> >
> >HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
> >
> >WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
> >
> >HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
> >
> >WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
> >
> >HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
> >
> >WIFE: ~ silence ~
> >
> >HUSBAND: "shit."
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BORIS
6/16/2012 9:08:00 PM
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Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dang phone and disconnected.
HAPPY FATHERS DAY !
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justine
6/17/2012 11:44:00 AM
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Isabella was standing on a street corner when Boris stopped and said, "Hey Isabella, er, did you know you have a tampon hanging out of your mouth?"
"Oh my God," Isabella exclaimed, "What did I do with my cigarette!?"
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isabella
6/19/2012 7:58:00 PM
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Inner Peace
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started."
So Boris looked around the house to see all the things he started and hadn't finished....and before getting to his work this morning he finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, Chivas, Southern Comfort, Kalua, Wild Turkey, his Prozac, some valium, his pack of cigarettes, and a box of chocolates.
Boris has no idea how freakin' good he feels....you may pass this on to those who you feel are in need of inner peace...
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BORIS
6/25/2012 7:04:00 AM
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a
Colonoscopy in my community, I decided to have my next
one carried out in San Francisco. They say that the beautiful
nurses there are much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side, the nurse began the procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal
to get an erection." the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I do," replied the nurse.
Moral: Don't ever have a Colonoscopy in San Francisco.
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BORIS
7/1/2012 5:52:00 PM
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
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PITONG
7/2/2012 3:05:00 AM
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Continuation sa kwento ni Boris:
....tapos biglang me kumatok ng malakas at sunod sunod. Sabi ng wife," Naku bumalik yung asawa ko, Tago Ka
bills" .
Nataranta si Mister, binuksan Nya ang bintana Sabay talon. Pagkabagsak Nya sa baba napag-isip isip
Niya, "tang in a ako yung asawa ah!"
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abigail
7/2/2012 8:53:00 PM
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uncle Pits, gawa mo yata yan a. aramids mo mets.
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isabella
7/4/2012 2:28:00 PM
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Lakay Flor is sitting at the bar throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okey. "Heck no, I'm not," Lakay Flor replies. "I just caught my f*ckin' wife in bed with my goddamn best friend!"
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing, I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore!"
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
Throwing back another glass of scotch, Lakay Flor said, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!"
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BORIS
7/10/2012 8:19:00 PM
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Four men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded." The third man said, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
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BORIS
7/13/2012 2:19:00 PM
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Misty and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Mitsy said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their `thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them." Milda said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit." "Wow," remarked Mitsy. "I wish mine would do that." "You can, Mitsy, you can." "How?" Mitsy asked "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the check."
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isabella
7/14/2012 4:34:00 PM
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Lakay Flor and Baket Flora are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then Baket Flora stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to HOLD me."
Lakay Flor says, "WHAAAT?!" Baket Flora explains that he must not be in tune with her needs as a woman. Lakay Flor realizes that nothing's gonna happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day Lakay Flor takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and let her try on some expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." Then goes over and gets expensive matching shoes. And then goes to the jewelry dept and gets a set of 2-carat diamong earrings. Baket Flora is so excited she thinks Lakay Flor has flipped out, but she doesn't care, she goes for the tennis bracelet.
Lakay Flor says, "You don't even play tennis but if you like it let's get it."
Baket Flora is jumping up and down, she's so excited she couldn't believe what's going on. She says, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
Lakay Flor says, "NO no no, honey. We are not going to buy any of these stuff." Baket Flora's face goes blank. "Flora, honey, I just want you to HOLD these stuff for a while."
Baket Flora's face is so red she's about to explode when Lakay Flor exclaimed, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"
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abigail
7/20/2012 5:51:00 PM
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow. You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too." On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered six double vodkas again. The bartender said, "Jesus. Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah my wife."
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isabella
7/21/2012 7:26:00 PM
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Naimbag a bigat yo amin aappo nga umumay makibinnalbalatong idtoy abong ni Tata Pitong! Nakasaganan tay effigy ni PNoy a puoran mi (LGBT) inton Lunes during SONA.
`````````
One day Lakay Flor comes home from work and greets Baket Flora.
After a peck on the cheek, she asks for 1000 Pesos to buy meat for dinner. Lakay Flor leads her to a mirror, holds up a 1000 peso bill, and says to her, "Honey, the Ph1000 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his 'ingenious' remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day Lakay Flor comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with plenty of meat and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks Baket Flora where she got the money.
She leads Lakay Flor to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher!"
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cirenia
7/24/2012 8:39:00 PM
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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in arestaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning beturned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turneddown because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a secondcustomer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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isabella
7/27/2012 4:51:00 PM
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A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd of spectators gathered. Lakay Flor was anxious to see what was going on but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through, let me through, I'm the son of the victim!"
The crowd made way for Lakay Flor. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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cirenia
7/29/2012 3:49:00 PM
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One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
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PITONG
8/1/2012 6:52:00 PM
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Dapat man lang sinabi nya na, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney to Pitong"
Agrarapang koman ti kidney kon yors, tallo kunam man.
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isabella
8/3/2012 3:23:00 PM
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Lakay Flor, in his mid eighties, just finished watching porno movies on TV. He struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. Baket Flora, seeing this unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
Lakay Flor replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
"Why, are you sick?" she asks.
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately, Baket Flora starts positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He asks, "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
She says, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
"Why?" asks Lakay Flor. "What do you need?"
Baket Flora exclaims, "If you're going to use that rusty old dick of yours, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!"
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isabella
8/3/2012 3:24:00 PM
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Lakay Flor, in his mid eighties, just finished watching porno movies on TV. He struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. Baket Flora, seeing this unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
Lakay Flor replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
"Why, are you sick?" she asks.
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately, Baket Flora starts positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He asks, "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
She says, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
"Why?" asks Lakay Flor. "What do you need?"
Baket Flora exclaims, "If you're going to use that rusty old dick of yours, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!"
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MILIG
8/5/2012 4:03:00 PM
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
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Leo Beligan
8/8/2012 7:31:00 AM
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Aanhin ang gabi,kung wala namang katabi...
Eh may nakarinig..
"Eh an0ng silbi ng may katabi,kung wala namang nangyayari"
...May Humirit..
"Eh an0 naman kung may mangyayari kung wala namang nabubu0ng baby"
Eh may affected..
"Paan0 may mabubu0ng baby kung parehas kay0ng LALAKE'
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Leo Beligan
8/15/2012 9:47:00 PM
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires."
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abigail
8/19/2012 8:08:00 PM
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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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abigail
8/24/2012 1:35:00 PM
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One semester an art-student asked a friend if he could paint his portrait for a class assignment. The friend agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous." The next day, the art student brought his friend to see the professor. He took one look at the friend and said, "Okay, A minus."
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Jasmine Astudillo Rosete
8/24/2012 3:30:00 PM
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Hello! I'm your new neighbor here at iluko.com. Mabalin ti sumrek ditoy abongyo tapno umayak met makiin-innangaw, apo? Thank you, salamat, agyamanak unay apo.
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abigail
8/25/2012 4:52:00 PM
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A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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isabella
8/25/2012 7:25:00 PM
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lakay flor: apo kapitan, nakababain ta maysa kadagiti barangay tanud ket bakla.
brgy kapitan: 'kinnam lakay flor, ti la maibagbagam.
lakay flor: ayna apo kapitan, siguradoak a bakla ni berting.
brgy kapitan: ni berting ket machong-macho sa adda pay putot na iti nakapimpintas nga asawana. no di mo mapaneknekan ta ibagbagam, paibalud ka aginggat di mo babawyen a ni berting ket bakla. ania ti pammaneknek mo, lukdit?
lakay flor: ngamin, apo kapitan, siguradoak a raman ti takki diay boto na!
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justine
8/31/2012 1:01:00 AM
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Two drunks, Lakay Flor and Berting, are walking down a railroad track.
Berting says, "This is a really long fucking staircase."
Lakay Flor complains, "I don't mind the staircase, it's these low fucking handrails that're killing me!"
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isabella
9/4/2012 1:14:00 AM
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Best friends, Lakay Flor and Pitong, are in their local bar having a few drinks. Lakay Flor leans over and starts stroking Pitong's beard.
He says, "Pitong, 'padre, your face feels like my wife's pussy."
Pitong strokes it himself and says, "Ya, you're right!"
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abigail
9/5/2012 8:17:00 AM
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One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"
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lintik
9/9/2012 8:14:00 AM
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I'm telling u fool. That bitch u fucking with is just playing u homie! She is just gonna use u and abuse u. She don't kare about u blood. She dont kare about the peoples that DO HAVE ur back kuz otherwise u wouldn't be in the position that u are in now. She bringin u down. And that's the realest shit I ever wrote. That's the fucking ugly truth right there bro. She just setting u up for failure yo. And the sad thing about it is when u do realize what we have been talking about it'll be too late kuz all them bridges u built will be burned by then.
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BORIS
9/13/2012 11:15:00 PM
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Aussie walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed..
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't h'
it me so hard
with the beer bottle!
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isabella
9/16/2012 6:58:00 PM
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Baket Flora goes to her doctor and explains that Lakay Flor can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of the magic pill called Viagra?"
Baket Flora says, "Yes, but he refuses to take pills of any kind that will make him feel less of a man."
The doctor advices Baket Flora to slip Viagra into Lakay Flor's morning coffee when he isn't looking. Baket Flora is nervous, but the doctor insists: "It will change your life within a day." So Baket Flora figures she has nothing to lose so she better try it.
A week goes by and Baket Flora shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. Baket Flora heaves a tremendous sigh and explains, "I slipped Viagra into his coffee like you said, and sure enough, within fifteen minutes, he cleared off the table and threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in twenty years!"
Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?"
Baket Flora shakes her head and says, "I don't think I'll be able to show my face at JolliBee again!"
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cirenia
9/21/2012 5:21:00 PM
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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumor (or gossip)?
A: Telegram
B: Telephone
C: Tell a woman
D. Facebook
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cirenia
9/23/2012 8:32:00 AM
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A Doctor and lawyer loved the same girl. Lawyer started giving an apple to the girl every day. The Doctor asked, "Why?" Lawyer: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
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cirenia
10/1/2012 7:13:00 AM
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A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She can drive the car during the day but at night the car won't move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Furious, she calls the dealership, tells them the problem and they send a mechanic to the house.
The mechanic gives the car a thorough inspection and can't find anything wrong. Eventually, he asks the Blonde,
" Are you sure you're using the right gears?" "Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"
BIRTHDAY GIFT KO KEN NI MANONG PITONG
__._,_.___
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PITONG
10/6/2012 10:41:00 PM
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Thank you ading Cirenia, ngem kinantaanak koma pay ah yorz.
Kumusta kay aminen a kadap-ayan, apay awan met agplanplanon para ti next nga mini reunion tayon?
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cirenia
10/11/2012 7:53:00 PM
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
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abigail
10/15/2012 7:28:00 AM
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bantor:anya ti panpanunutem dita butog??
butog: ar arapaapek nga agsweldo ak met koma ti 100tawsan iti makabulan kasla ken tatangko...
bantor:kayat mo nga sawen,agsusueldo ni tatang mo ti 100tawsan ti binulan???
butog:saan...isumet ti arapaap na
.
.
nyaahahaha....
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isabella
10/20/2012 1:23:00 PM
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Two friends, Lakay Flor and Pitong, are out drinking one night. Eventually, nature calls and they head for the CR. Pitong takes the lone urinal, and Lakay Flor says he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute and then Lakay Flor says, "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires Pitong.
"Well, I was pulling my pants up when I dropped a nickel in the toilet."
Pitong joins Lakay Flor in the stall to look at the ssd sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then Lakay Flor reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.
"What did you do that for!" cries Pitong.
And Lakay Flor replies, "Hell, I'm not going to stick my hand in there for a measly nickel."
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abigail
10/23/2012 3:33:00 PM
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A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
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isabella
10/24/2012 4:16:00 PM
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There were three men in a bar. They began talking, Berting boasted that he made love to his boyfriend 2 times last night, and that he called him a fantastic lover in the morning.
Pitong scoffed at this. He claimed he made love to his boyfriend 10 times last night, and that he had said he was a wonderful lover in the morning. They both turned and asked Lakay Flor about his experiencce last night. Lakay Flor said he made love to his boyfriend just once.
Berting and Pitong turned and asked what his boyfriend said in the morning. Lakay Flor replied, "Don't stop!"
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cirenia
11/5/2012 7:44:00 AM
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A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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cirenia
11/10/2012 3:29:00 PM
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A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but dont you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
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cirenia
11/23/2012 9:57:00 AM
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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fermin
12/10/2012 10:31:00 AM
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Pitong came home early from work to find his wife lying on the bed naked under the bed sheets, breathing heavily and sweaty. "Honey, I think I'm having a heart attack!" she gasped. Pitong flew downstairs to call the doctor, and on his way his little son told him, "Daddy, daddy, there's a naked man in the closet!"
Pitong ran back upstairs, opened the closet, pulled out his best friend and yelled, "Jesus, Lakay Flor, my wife is heaving a heart attack and here you are, scaring the kids!"
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isabella
12/24/2012 10:29:00 AM
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Lakay Flor went into the barangay drugstore and confided that two young handsome boys, Pitong and Fermin, were coming to spend the whole weekend at his condo. "I need something to get it hard and keep it hard for the whole two days, pal." The druggist insisted that he couldn't dispense any such drug without prescription. But after a long and detailed description of the two handsome boys, the druggist relented and gave Lakay Flor a little bottle. "Use it sparingly, this is a very potent stuff!"
When the drugstore opened Monday morning, the druggist was horrified to see Lakay Flor crawling towards him on the sidewalk, bloody and battered, his clothes in tatters. As lakay Flor reached the door, he whispered, "Please, Doc, you've gotta give me some Ben-Gay."
"Hell, man," said the druggist, "you can't put Ben-Gay on your pecker. You'll die from the pain!"
Lakay Flor gasped, "It's not for my pecker, it's for my elbows. The two young boys, Pitong and Fermin, never showed up!"
~~~~~~~~
May the Christmas season, fill our Iluko.com with joy, our hearts with love, and our lives with laughter!!
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lintik
12/27/2012 8:00:00 AM
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adapted from Dr. Peter Hammond's book: Slavery, Terrorism and Islam: The
Historical Roots and Contemporary Threat
Islam is not a religion, nor is it a cult. In its fullest form, it is a complete, total, 100% system of life.
Islam has religious, legal, political, economic, social, and military
components. The religious component is a beard for all of the other
components.
Islamization begins when there are sufficient Muslims in a country to
agitate for their religious privileges.
When politically correct, tolerant, and culturally diverse societies
agree to Muslim demands for their religious privileges, some of the
other components tend to creep in as well.
Here's how it works:
As long as the Muslim population remains around or under 2% in any given country, they will be for the most part be regarded as a peace-loving minority, and not as a threat to other citizens. This is the case in:
United States -- Muslim 0.6%
Australia -- Muslim 1.5%
Canada -- Muslim 1.9%
China -- Muslim 1.8%
Italy -- Muslim 1.5%
Norway -- Muslim 1.8%
At 2% to 5%, they begin to proselytize from other ethnic minorities and disaffected groups, often with major recruiting from the jails and among street gangs. This is happening in:
Denmark -- Muslim 2%
Germany -- Muslim 3.7%
United Kingdom -- Muslim 2.7%
Spain -- Muslim 4%
Thailand -- Muslim 4.6%
From 5% on, they exercise an inordinate influence in proportion to their percentage of the population. For example, they will push for the introduction of halal (clean by Islamic standards) food, thereby
securing food preparation jobs for Muslims. They will increase pressure on supermarket chains to feature halal on their shelves -- along with threats for failure to comply. This is occurring in:
France -- Muslim 8%
Philippines -- 5%
Sweden -- Muslim 5%
Switzerland -- Muslim 4.3%
The Netherlands -- Muslim 5.5%
Trinidad & Tobago -- Muslim 5.8%
At this point, they will work to get the ruling government to allow them to rule themselves (within their ghettos) under Sharia, the Islamic Law.
The ultimate goal of Islamists is to establish Sharia law over the
entire world.
When Muslims approach 10% of the population, they tend to increase lawlessness as a means of complaint about their conditions. In Paris, we are already seeing car-burnings. . Any non-Muslim action offends Islam and results in uprisings and threats, such as in Amsterdam, with opposition to Mohammed cartoons and films about Islam. Such tensions are seen daily, particularly in Muslim sections in:
Guyana -- Muslim 10%
India -- Muslim 13.4%
Israel -- Muslim 16%
Kenya -- Muslim 10%
Russia -- Muslim 15%
After reaching 20%, nations can expect hair-trigger rioting, jihad
militia formations, sporadic killings, and the burnings of Christian
churches and Jewish synagogues, such as in:
Ethiopia -- Muslim 32.8%
At 40%, nations experience widespread massacres, chronic terror attacks, and ongoing militia warfare, such as in:
Bosnia -- Muslim 40%
Chad -- Muslim 53.1%
Lebanon -- Muslim 59.7%
From 60%, nations experience unfettered persecution of non-believers of all other religions (including non-conforming Muslims), sporadic ethnic cleansing (genocide), use of Sharia Law as a weapon, and Jizya, the tax placed on infidels, such as in:
Albania -- Muslim 70%
Malaysia -- Muslim 60.4%
Qatar -- Muslim 77.5%
Sudan -- Muslim 70%
After 80%, expect daily intimidation and violent jihad, some State-run ethnic cleansing, and even some genocide, as these nations drive out the infidels, and move toward 100% Muslim, such as has been experienced and in some ways is on-going in:
Bangladesh -- Muslim 83%
Egypt -- Muslim 90%
Gaza -- Muslim 98.7%
Indonesia -- Muslim 86.1%
Iran -- Muslim 98%
Iraq -- Muslim 97%
Jordan -- Muslim 92%
Morocco -- Muslim 98.7%
Pakistan -- Muslim 97%
Palestine -- Muslim 99%
Syria -- Muslim 90%
Tajikistan -- Muslim 90%
Turkey -- Muslim 99.8%
United Arab Emirates -- Muslim 96%
100% will usher in the peace of 'Dar-es-Salaam' -- the Islamic House of Peace. Here there's supposed to be peace, because everybody is a Muslim, the Madrasses are the only schools, and the Koran is the only word, such as in:
Afghanistan -- Muslim 100%
Saudi Arabia -- Muslim 100%
Somalia -- Muslim 100%
Yemen -- Muslim 100%
Unfortunately, peace is never achieved, as in these 100% states the most radical Muslims intimidate and spew hatred, and satisfy their blood lust by killing less radical Muslims, for a variety of reasons.
'Before I was nine, I had learned the basic canon of Arab life. It was me against my brother; me and my brother against our father; my family against my cousins and the clan; the clan against the tribe; the tribe against the world, and all of us against the infidel. --
Leon Uris, 'The Haj'
It is important to understand that in some countries, with well under
100% Muslim populations, such as France, the minority Muslim populations live in ghettos, within which they are 100% Muslim, and within which they live by Sharia Law. The national police do not even enter these ghettos. There are no national courts, nor schools, nor non-Muslim religious facilities. In such situations, Muslims do not integrate into the community at large. The children attend madrasses. They learn only the Koran. To even associate with an infidel is a crime punishable with death. Therefore, in some areas of certain nations, Muslim Imams and extremists exercise more power than the national average would indicate.
Today's 1.5 billion Muslims make up 22% of the world's population. But their birth rates dwarf the birth rates of Christians, Hindus,
Buddhists, Jews, and all other believers. Muslims will exceed 50% of the world's population by the end of this century.
Well, boys and girls, today we are letting the fox guard the henhouse.
The wolves will be herding the sheep!
Obama appoints two devout Muslims to Homeland Security posts. Doesn't this make you feel safer already?
Obama and Janet Napolitano appoint Arif Alikhan, a devout Muslim, as Assistant Secretary for Policy Development.
DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano swore in Kareem Shora, a devout Muslim who was born in Damascus, Syria, as ADC National Executive Director as a member of the Homeland Security Advisory Council (HSAC).
NOTE: Has anyone ever heard a new government official being identified as a devout Catholic, a devout Jew or a devout Protestant.. .? Just wondering.
Devout Muslims being appointed to critical Homeland Security positions?
Doesn't this make you feel safer already??
That should make the US' homeland much safer, huh!!
Was it not "Devout Muslim men" that flew planes into U.S. buildings 8 years ago?
Was it not a Devout Muslim who killed 13 at Fort Hood?
Also: This is very interesting and we all need to read it from start to finish. Maybe this is why our American Muslims are so quiet and not speaking out about any atrocities. Can a good Muslim be a good American? This question was forwarded to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. The following is his reply:
Theologically - no . . . Because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon God of Arabia
Religiously – no… Because no other religion is accepted by His Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256)(Koran)
Scripturally - no… Because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.
Geographically – no… Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially - no… Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews..
Politically - no…Because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America, the great Satan.
Domestically - no… Because he is instructed to marry four Women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34)
Intellectually - no… Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
Philosophically - no… Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression.. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually - no… Because when we declare 'one nation under God,' the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.
Therefore, after much study and deliberation. ...
Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS
in this country. - - - They obviously cannot be both 'good' Muslims and good Americans.
Call it what you wish, it's still the truth. You had better believe it. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future. The religious war is bigger than we know or understand.
Can a muslim be a good soldier???
Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, opened fire at Ft. Hood and Killed 13. He is a good Muslim!!!
Footnote: The Muslims have said they will destroy us from within.
SO FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.
THE MARINES WANT THIS TO ROLL ALL OVER THE U.S.
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isabella
12/29/2012 10:03:00 AM
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Berting walks into a gay bar and orders Red Horse beer. It tastes so good that he orders another, and another, and another, and another, until he passes out cold. Lakay Flor and several LGBT gays have been watching this progression of events with interest, and promptly take Berting into the back room and energetically butt-f*cked him. Early the next morning, Berting comes to and goes home, but that night he appears again and orders Red Horse. He got so drunk that Lakay Flor and company have their way with Berting again. This goes on for several more nights until one evening, when Berting shows up and orders San Miguel Lite. Recognizing Berting, the bartender inquires as to why he's switched beers.
Berting replies, "Oh, Red Horse makes my butt hurt."
Here's to our husbands and boyfriends...
May they never meet.
Happy New Year!!
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BORIS
12/31/2012 7:49:00 PM
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A devout Arab Muslim entered one of the famous black cabs in London. He curtly requested the cabbie to turn off the radio, because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, since in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "Sir, in the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel."
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abigail
1/3/2013 8:23:00 AM
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Anak: Anya english na ti utot?
Tatay: Wind of change
Anak: Eh jay utot ngay nga awan aweng na?
Tatay: Sound of silence
Anak: Jay utot ngay nga adda takki na?
... Tatay: Dust in the wind
Anak: Eh jay utot ngay nga han nga insadya?
Tatay: Yan ang careless whisper!
Anak: Ej jay utot ngay nga tiptipiden?
Tatay: Yan ang paborito ko, Unchained Melody!!!!!
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abigail
1/15/2013 8:44:00 AM
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My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley."
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isabella
1/16/2013 8:15:00 PM
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A newly recruited NPA found himself in a remote camp in the mountains. After a few weeks had gone by, Lakay Flor took one of the old-timers aside and asked what the men did for a good time. "We use the donkey!" was the reply. Revolted, Lakay Flor turned his thoughts elsewhere, but as time went by and he got hornier and hornier, he could think of little else. Taking aside another veteran, Lakay Flor asked the same question and he got the same answer: "We use the donkey!" Finally, desperate, he accepted the fact that the donkey was the only available outlet, and one night he snuck out to the barn. As luck would have it, one of the old-timers happened by the barn around the same time and caught sight of Lakay Flor up on a crate, screwing the donkey. "What the hell are you doing?!" he called out.
Rather puzzled, Lakay Flor said, "I thought you said you use the donkey for a good time!"
"Yes, but usually we just ride her into town!"
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abigail
1/23/2013 5:26:00 PM
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When I was seventeen I thought my parents were the stupidest people in the world. At twenty two I was amazed at how much they had learned in just a few short years.
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isabella
1/24/2013 7:19:00 PM
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A young catholic boy, Berting, confessed that he musterbated his boyfriend the night before. The priest ordered him to repeat ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers while washing his hands in the holy water basin.
Berting was almost finished when Lakay Flor approached and asked what he was doing. He replied, "I jerked off Boris last night and this is my penance."
"Don't get the water too dirty," Lakay Flor said. "I'll probably have to gargle with it."
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Berting
1/25/2013 8:02:00 PM
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"Please, oh, please..." half-naked Isabella, wearing no underwear, came running towards Berting and Lakay Flor, "leave me some...I need to wash my..."
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cirenia
1/31/2013 8:54:00 PM
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A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, whats the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"
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abigail
2/5/2013 8:20:00 AM
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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.
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cirenia
2/9/2013 7:31:00 PM
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day. We arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
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otiang
2/13/2013 8:24:00 AM
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Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Wow. It's really hot in here!" The other muffin turns to the first muffin and says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"
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Palsiit
2/14/2013 1:33:00 PM
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Pilo! baklaka annia? Saanak nga bakla,kuna met ni Pilo.Ipapilit latta ni miryam nga bakla.No dimo pattien,agpugiitka, ta paneknekak nga saanak nga Bakla.
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Leo Beligan
2/21/2013 8:29:00 PM
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Little Pitong wanted 100 pesos badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the 100 pesos. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Philippines they decided to send it to President Pnoy. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Pitong a 20 peso bill. President Pnoy thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Pitong was delighted with the 20 pesos and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Malacanang and, as usual, those crooks deducted 80 pesos as their SOP .
Thanks,
Pitong
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abigail
3/7/2013 8:06:00 AM
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next eighteen years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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lintik
3/10/2013 6:58:00 PM
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Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mea Lookzee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
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lintik
3/24/2013 9:54:00 AM
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DIRTY JOKE! FOR ADULTS ONLY.
Funny Dirty Jokes
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she see her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
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Leo Beligan
3/31/2013 10:56:00 AM
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When humans were young, they were pushed around in strollers. When they were old, they were pushed around in wheelchairs. In between, they were just pushed around.
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Leo Beligan
4/6/2013 7:27:00 AM
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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it!" The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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isabella
4/7/2013 4:15:00 PM
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at the back of a movie theater, Lakay Flor and Berting are kising passionately until they fially stop to come up for air. "Look!" complains Lakay Flor, "Darling, I really enjoy kissing you but do you mind not passing your chewing gum?"
"Oh, Honey, that's not chewing gum," replies Berting, "I've got acute bronchitis."
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Berting
4/12/2013 12:55:00 PM
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Isabella : "Hey,Lakay Flor, what's up?"
Lakay Flor: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
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Leo Beligan
4/21/2013 7:43:00 AM
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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abigail
5/1/2013 9:56:00 PM
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FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
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Leo Beligan
5/4/2013 9:02:00 PM
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While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say "honey?" Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again complaining of his wifes hearing problem and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?" The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 2 feet away she turned around and screamed "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
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abigail
5/9/2013 8:16:00 AM
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A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed
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cirenia
5/9/2013 10:06:00 PM
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A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge." The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, "It says "Pull!"
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Berting
5/10/2013 10:02:00 AM
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Maysa a rabii, nagka-idda ni Isabella kenni Lakay Flor. Iti sumagmamano a kanito nakaturogdan ket nagtagtaga-inep ni Isabella. Iti tagtaga-inepna, nakakita ti maysa a dakkel a beklat. Tinukma-anna ti tengnged ti uleg ket binekkalna aginggana't nagtulakak ket natay ti uleg.
Nari-ing ni Isabella gapu ti ikkis ni Lakay Flor. Idi bimmangon ni Lakay Flor ket mapan umisbo, marigatan metten a rummuar ti isbona.
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Leo Beligan
5/18/2013 9:29:00 AM
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. "My husband quietly said "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once!"
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