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SIROK TI SARGUELAS

Leo Beligan
1/27/2009 10:26:00 PM

ATIDDOG UNAYEN DIAY ISTORYA IDIAY SIROK TI KAMANTIRIS. NARIGATEN TI UMULI. AWISEN KAYON DITOY SIROK TI SARGUELAS


Sungsungbat/Komentario

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apdo
10/3/2015 7:58:00 AM
A man visited the doctor.

"Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time."

"Please undress so I can examine you," said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.

"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.

The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
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abigail
10/9/2015 6:44:00 PM
A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie: “today’s investment will pay big dividends!”
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lintik
10/10/2015 11:25:00 AM
Success, Sacrifice, Service
“What is success?” asked Ralph Waldo Emerson.
“Success,” he said “was to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.
This is to have succeeded.” In poetic language we hear the same definition: An old man walking a lonesome road, Came at the evening, cold and gray, To a chasm vast and wide and steep, With waters running cold and deep. The old man crossed in the twilight dim, The rolling stream had no fears for him; But he turned when safe on the other side, And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow traveler near, “you are wasting your strength with building here. Your journey will end with the passing day, You never again will pass this way. You’ve crossed the chasm, deep and wide, Why build you this bridge at eventide?
The builder lifted his old gray head, “Good friend, in the path I have come,“ he said, “There followeth after me today A youth whose feet must pass this way. The chasm that was nought to me To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be. He too must cross in the twilight dim -- Good friend, I am building this bridge for him.”
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lintik
10/10/2015 11:27:00 AM
Genie: Ihatag nako usa sa imong mga wishes!
Aling Dionisia: Ay Diay! Sige, gusto nako ma byutipol ko.
Genie: Abrehi palihug ang botilya?
Aling Dionisia: ug ma byutipol nako? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Genie: Di. Mubalik na lang ko sulod sa botilya.
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abigail
10/14/2015 4:14:00 PM
A famous "country" preacher had been invited to deliver a sermon in a big-city Church.
When the preacher arrived, the host pastor warned him that certain people in the congregation were in the habit of leaving the Church early, some of them even before the sermon was over. "It's a big-city bad habit they've acquired," he said. "Always in a hurry. They do the same thing at plays and concerts--always heading for the exits before the curtain comes down."
Having been forewarned, the visiting preacher mounted the pulpit and made the following opening announcement: "The first half of my sermon will be directed to all the sinners in the congregation. The last half will be addressed to the non-sinners."
No one left early that day.
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lintik
10/24/2015 7:00:00 PM
A man came into a shop with a "Salesman Wanted" sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids. Iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"OK. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them," said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money," said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?'"
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lintik
10/24/2015 7:02:00 PM
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

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apdo
11/1/2015 7:57:00 AM
One day, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class, “Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
“Good, Jane.” teacher said, “Anyone else?”
“How about a lollipop?” said Steven.
“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!” the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer.
Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”
“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”
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apdo
11/1/2015 7:58:00 AM
A little boy went to the corner grocery store and asked for a box of detergent.
The clerk said, "Son, what do you need the detergent for?" "I want to wash my dog!" the boy replied.
"Well, son, this is a heavy duty detergent and it's pretty strong for washing a dog."
"That's what I want!" the boy persisted.
So he sold the boy the detergent and said, "Now be very careful. This is a strong detergent, it could kill your dog!"
About a week later, the little boy came back into the store. The clerk asked, "How's your dog?"
"I'm afraid he's dead."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I did warn you about that detergent."
The little boy shook his head and said, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it. I think it was the rinse cycle that got him!"
...............There are times when we feel like life has put us through the rinse cycle! We have been tossed, and turned, drenched with concerns and worries, overcome with stress and anxiety. Life appears pretty dark and we wonder where and how we will find some relief!
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apdo
11/1/2015 8:03:00 AM
Two men were jogging one morning on the beach. They stopped abruptly when they spotted an exotic, ancient lamp half-buried in the sand.
One of the men picked up the object and began rubbing off the sand. Whereupon, a Genie suddenly appeared before him. "Sir, because you rubbed this mystical lamp, I can grant you and your companion one wish each," said the Genie.
To which the first man replied, "I wish to be the smartest man in the world." "Your wish is hereby granted," said the Genie.
Then, to the second man, he said, "Now you may make a wish. What is your wish?"
"I wish to be smarter than the smartest man in the world," he replied.
Whereupon, to his surprise, the Genie made him into a woman.
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abigail
11/12/2015 7:43:00 PM
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there **WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !**
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home…and left it there all night.
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lintik
11/20/2015 5:40:00 PM
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
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lintik
11/20/2015 5:42:00 PM
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
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MILIG
11/22/2015 7:57:00 AM
Future
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
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cirenia
11/27/2015 8:26:00 AM
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said, "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him, "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"

He said, "Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"

"Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to get rid of it."

She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?"

He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."
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abigail
11/28/2015 7:57:00 AM
PHILOSOPICAL STATEMENTS
1/7/2014 6:41:30 PM

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I
was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
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apdo
11/29/2015 7:58:00 AM
WTF! I mean What The Facts.
Human resilience has been demonstrated throughout recorded history, although multitudes have perished through time. The inhumanity of man against man, sad to say, incessantly repeats itself in many, many parts of the world. While human intelligence has spawned multifarious beneficial technology, easily half the strides in so-called advancements are directed towards anti-human activity. Is that a simple manifestation of yin and yang? Good and bad? Right and wrong? Diametrical opposites?
Today there is hardly any human desire that can't be fulfilled, except perhaps the elimination of death.
All kinds of material products and services are available to cater to human fantasies beyond need, yet there is deep unhappiness and depression. This calls for a lobotomy. There's this very wealthy man who hired a crew to violently demolish his Lamborghini to express his disappointment.
Food production, whether natural or genetically engineered and modified, has reached capacity that exceeds human need. Yet there are children and adults who die of famine and thirst.
There are vastly wealthy people who can buy anything and virtually everything they want but at all need, and yet there are people who can't afford basic needs of food, clothing and shelter.
There's religion of all sorts that are supposed to provide moral compass, compassion and other pro-human sentiments and actions, yet many leaders and believers have done the exact opposite of the tenets and teachings.
No need to elaborate or enumerate examples whether it's about petty perversions or religious wars. Spirituality?
There's high strides in arts , sports and entertainment wherein erstwhile regular people have catapulted into demigod-celebrity status. How many celebrity fails have you heard about? Seems that the better-hearted ones commit suicide, while others commit murder. Due respect to their entertainment value, do they do as much good for what they are paid? That might be subjective and not politically correct. WTF.
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lintik
11/29/2015 7:59:00 AM
"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy."
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abigail
11/30/2015 4:51:00 PM
Be Deaf
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
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abigail
11/30/2015 4:58:00 PM
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. My wife, the man replied. I’m sorry, said Bill. What happened to her? My dog bit her and she died.
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well. Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog?
To which the man replied, Get in line.
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abigail
11/30/2015 4:58:00 PM
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. My wife, the man replied. I’m sorry, said Bill. What happened to her? My dog bit her and she died.
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well. Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog?
To which the man replied, Get in line.
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Leo Beligan
12/3/2015 9:34:00 PM
SHARING USEFUL ADVISE FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON & THE DAYS FORWARD ...

Some of us have reached our golden years, and some of us have not. But these suggestions should be read by everyone. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what's important. So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!

1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.

2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.

3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.


4. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

5. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."

6. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.

7. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are!

8. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised what old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

9. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.

10. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

11. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

12. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

13. Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.

14. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.

15. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

16. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.

17. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.

19. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!

MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL - MEDITATE WITH THANKSGIVING IN YOUR FOR THE GOODNESS OF LIFE & LOVE ...


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abigail
12/5/2015 10:18:00 AM
SUSPENSION SAGA DAY 37/Musings of Prof. Amelia Bojo
051220151124 pm
There is no telling the time when special moments pop up in what seems to be a barren landscape, literally and figuratively.
My husband met me in Cagayan de Oro and we travelled back to Bukidnon together in a bus bound for Davao. Buses like these are cleaner, more spacious and swifter, if a bus can be swift at all.
It used to be that the buses that plied this Cagayan de Oro-Bukidnon route were sluggish beasts but now they are agile beauties. Ahh, technology, but I like riding them because they lull me to sleep. And I get to have my most restful sleep when my husband travels with me.
Unfortunately, it didn't get me slumberous this time. There was this movie running, with Ethan Hawke and Denzel Washington playing good cop, bad cop and one line of Denzel's struck me as sound: "It is not what you know that counts, but what you can prove." In out justice system, this is the bitter pill to swallow, the reason why people in power, abuse the powerless with impunity and why powerless people give up of justice and get on with their lives with bowed heads and cowed spirits.
In our educational system, this should be the the sharpest nail to pound. When to acknowledge truth and how best to prove it along with the courage to present it with greater clarity should be the mark of an educated person, I believe. I am not impressed with anything less. Unfortunately, teachers get stuck with pounding the truth from books, producing professionals who cannot recognize truth even when it runs naked with a bolo or professionals who don't have the gumption to recognize the truth and the bolo. Hahaha.
In any case, while musing on that, my husband pointed our the "end of the rainbow" right there in a small valley made picturesque by rows upon rows of pineapple plants and on the hillsides framing the valley were rows upon rows of banana plants. There used to be no pineapple plants there before. Nor were there banana plants. The valley used to be a small cornfield and those hillsides were covered with trees.
Woww, I asked, will I find my pot of gold there? It was the first time I saw the "end of the rainbow". It was so clear and seemed just a few kilometers off the road. My husband replied, "You wouldn't. Somebody got there before you." I laughed out loud. It is not always that my husband gets the drift of my "ignorant" thoughts. What can I do? He admits to having not an ounce of poetry in his "practical" soul.
Practical or not, he could be right, though. The road builders would have found it before me. The place was swarming with them. Or their tools swarmed the place.
The Bukidnon road, as always, is under repair. I think it has always been under repair when they started cementing it. Before they finished cementing all parts of it, they started repairing some fraction of it which, to me, had some microscopic cracks in them which, to them, must be repaired or it will make the riding public so uncomfortable. In order to make those repairs though, they have to make the cracks bigger so that some slabs of cement gets jolted off the ground. It doesn't matter, though, because they always put up this sign: Sorry for the Inconvenience.
Amidst that inconvenience, is another road, over, through, and around those mountains which gave Bukidnon and its people its name.
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cirenia
12/9/2015 5:50:00 PM
Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers and stepsisters;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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cirenia
12/9/2015 5:53:00 PM
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.


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lintik
12/11/2015 8:12:00 AM
I happened to run into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paying job and expensive life style.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."


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cirenia
12/15/2015 5:00:00 PM
A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.
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abigail
12/22/2015 7:24:00 AM
An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"

The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?"

To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says.

The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."
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abigail
12/22/2015 7:26:00 AM
Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Steve.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Steve. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"
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abigail
12/22/2015 7:27:00 AM
After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.

“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off?”

The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”

And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.
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Leo Beligan
12/27/2015 6:32:00 AM
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him.

"Chain saw accident," the man replied.

"Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse."

"It wasn't turned on," the man replied.
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Leo Beligan
12/27/2015 6:33:00 AM
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


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Leo Beligan
12/28/2015 12:09:00 AM
Reacting to provocations should not be automatic, if you value your life, limb, peace, upbringing, sobriety or sense of decency. In the following situations, it is foolish if not foolhardy, to react: 1) Provocation by strangers- ignore them. It is not personal, but situational and means nothing if you say sorry, move on and take the high road. Both of you don't know each other. If the other person knew who you are and your qualifications, he would probably kneel down, say sorry and kiss your feet in respect and vice versa:2) Provocation by war freaks- ignore them. They do it all the time, if not with you, then with others who happen to be around. The defect or problem is in their character or mental state, not in you. They deserve pity and prayers, not hostility. One of these days, they'll meet their comeuppance from a similar freak, and they'll get their just desserts; 3) Provocation by persons with mental disequilibrium- lest you forget, if you pick a fight with mentally-disturbed people, you become the monster you detest and kibitzers will wonder if you too have mental issues; 4) Provocation by fanatics, bigots or prejudiced people-ignore their putrid intolerance. They are full of unreasoning hate and live a life of misery and stress caused by toxic hatred. You wouldn't want to absorb their miserable state by imbibing the toxic waste of hatred they spew around , thus unwittingly becoming like them.
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abigail
1/1/2016 8:11:00 AM
When Peterson learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peterson found the letter on his desk. It read, "John Peterson worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
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Leo Beligan
1/5/2016 8:46:00 PM
Good read! ??
1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat food that grows on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today. What if you woke up this morning and only had what you thanked God for yesterday? DON’T FORGET TO THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING.
43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
Now: Think about forwarding this to your friends to help them lead a happier and healthier life, too!?
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MILIG
1/7/2016 4:54:00 PM
Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the host, "Table for 26 please."
Confused, the host does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side."
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cirenia
1/10/2016 3:04:00 PM
Two Gentlemen, ages 70 and 75 were sitting on a park bench.
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "my goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this secret except me!?"
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abigail
1/21/2016 5:49:00 AM
“Has your son decided what ?he wants to be when he grows up?” ?I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” ?he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”


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abigail
5/31/2016 7:32:00 AM
Johnny's teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"

"They was in, but they is out now," he answered.

The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, but they are out now.' Where's your grammar?"

"She's upstairs taking her nap."


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abigail
5/31/2016 7:34:00 AM
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this one!" she exclaimed.
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apdo
6/6/2016 6:41:00 AM
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

How are wives like hand grenades?

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!


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apdo
6/6/2016 6:43:00 AM
One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.

Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.

I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?"

She wiped her cheeks and said, "Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."
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cirenia
6/6/2016 7:11:00 AM
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that. (Please pass this on) These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.
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apdo
6/26/2016 8:58:00 AM
I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line.

He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there.

I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence.

A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes.

The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".
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abigail
7/1/2016 7:15:00 AM
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

"When the baby cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
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abigail
7/1/2016 7:16:00 AM
A terribly ugly woman enters a store.
In each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?"
"No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."
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abigail
7/26/2016 6:55:00 AM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


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lintik
7/26/2016 7:00:00 AM
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million," the attorney reads.

"To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million."

"And finally," the lawyer concludes, "to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!"
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apdo
8/9/2016 6:58:00 AM
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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apdo
8/9/2016 6:59:00 AM
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"


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lintik
8/15/2016 9:22:00 PM
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
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lintik
8/15/2016 9:24:00 PM
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."
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lintik
8/24/2016 8:14:00 PM
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it…
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nenita bautista torqueza
8/30/2016 8:00:00 PM
Open–Mindedness
Close-minded people put others down, Open-minded people are tolerant and understanding.
Close-minded people can’t see the good in people who disagree with them, Open-minded people see some good in everyone.
Close-minded people mind other people’s business, Open-minded people mind their own.
Close-minded people are envious and jealous, Open-minded people are contented and thankful.
Close-minded people know-it-all, Open-minded people realize how little we all know.
Close-minded people belittle other cultures and customs, Open-minded people know the value of diversity.
Close-minded people are suspicious and overly-cautious, Open-minded people are trusting and adventurous.
Close-minded people talk without thinking, Open-minded people think before talking.
Close-minded people think they are always right, Open-minded people realize how easy it is to be wrong.
Close-minded people like to judge others, Open-minded people let others judge them.
Close-minded people form opinions without information, Open-minded people value facts before opinion.
Close-minded people are self-centered, Open-minded people put others before themselves.
.................Which are you — open-minded or closed-minded? Don't lie!!!!!!
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apdo
9/2/2016 9:06:00 PM
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"


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BORIS
9/18/2016 7:27:00 AM
Lawyer jokes!!!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo??A: The lawyer charges more.??Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer??A: His partners.??Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra??A: Taller??Q: Know how copper wire was invented??A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny??Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers??A: New Jersey got to pick first.??Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer??A: An offer you can't understand??An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will?prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.??The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"??The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate?and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"??She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."??"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"??The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to?notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."??The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting?impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"??The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept?with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."??"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That?evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.??She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.??Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to?let the County bury her!"
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Leo Beligan
9/20/2016 7:09:00 AM
Page 11 of 1111 maglalaho sa panahon. Mapaamo nyo man siya, siya at siya pa rin ang kikitil sa inyong pagkalasing sa panandaliang kapangyarihan at tagumpay. Maraming salamat po. Page 11 of 11

Privilege Speech of Senator Leila M. de
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Leo Beligan
9/22/2016 8:09:00 AM
Wrong, Mr. President. It can, it does and it will. In case your cabinet didn't inform you, remittances from the U.S. accounted for P 463 Billion in 2015. Investments in the BPO industry are mostly U.S.-dependent as well, providing jobs to over 1M Filipinos. Remittances and investments from China and Russia COMBINED don't even make a blip on the economic radar. If you bet on the wrong horses, you will go down and drag the country with you. We will become a pariah state, and your legacy would be as the person who crashed our economy, and not the savior that 16M Filipinos elected you to be.
You can flip the bird at the E.U. or USA, but if they flip the economic bird back, no amount of tough talk can mend the disaster it would cause.
Sure, your apologists can blame the "paid" media or the "Yellow Army" but the thing is, not even their coffers can finance the volume of criticism coming our way from foreign media and foreign governments. Much of this flak wouldn't have been there if, in the first place, you kept your word to be more "presidential" in your language and demeanor. I'm sure they, and even you, know that. I do hope one of them would actually have the balls to tell you that, Mr. President, before it's too late.
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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:13:00 PM
A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

The man replied, "I'm the company president."

There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."
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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:13:00 PM
A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70.

They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy's hand and said, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"


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otiang
10/18/2016 11:21:00 PM
Debid
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
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otiang
10/18/2016 11:22:00 PM
The umbrella
As tradition dictates, upon entering his Zen master’s house, the disciple left his shoes and umbrella outside.
“I saw through the window that you were arriving,”? said the master. “Did you leave your shoes to the right or the left of the umbrella?”?
“I haven’t the least idea. But what does that matter? I was thinking of the secret of Zen!”?
.....................“If you don’t pay attention in life, you will never learn anything. Communicate with life, pay each moment the attention it deserves – that is the only secret of Zen.”
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otiang
10/18/2016 11:23:00 PM
Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.
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otiang
10/18/2016 11:23:00 PM
People are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.
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cirenia
10/30/2016 9:34:00 AM
Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often.
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cirenia
10/30/2016 9:35:00 AM
My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she's way off base!
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abigail
11/13/2016 6:38:00 AM
Life is short. Fifty years from now, nobody will even remember you existed on earth. And you can't even bring one cent to your grave. Hence, never be selfish with your help or advice. Once you're gone, it's forever. But your good deeds will follow you to the great beyond. In the meantime, enjoy life to the fullest and to the last minute, in communion with your Maker and Savior. Like the wheels of a car, life is a series of ups and downs until we finally park at our pre-ordained destination.

Dan Amosin 11/13/16
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Leo Beligan
11/13/2016 3:51:00 PM
By: Emily A. Marcelo - @inquirerdotnetPhilippine Daily Inquirer / 07:00 AM November 13, 2016
Dear Emily,

I am past 60, married to a funny guy who is more a friend than a lover, and having an affair with a married man who loves his wife.

We’ve never spoken about living together, ever. We’re content with the status quo and our unspoken commitment to each other.

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I’ve remained in the periphery of his life, masochistic perhaps, but that’s all right. I have enough love for the two of us. We’ve been lovers almost a decade now, but it’s because of my unconditional love for him that we’ve remained so. I know he’s happy with me, and that has made me very happy.

We lead separate lives. We don’t infringe on each other’s personal space outside of this affair. It is through our detachment from the aspects of our own families that we feel complete.

I was one of those who used to badmouth my women friends or just strangers who are having affairs. I’d scoff at them and call them adulterers, and roll my eyes at how immoral they’re behaving.

But once I fell down from my high horse upon setting eyes on my would-be lover, I understood exactly what happened to them.

The feeling is really indescribable. One moment you’re a sane, balanced, mature woman. The next, you’re like a teenager behaving like a balloon flying in the clouds without a string to hold it down. It is a senseless, immature, totally insane feeling, but absolutely heavenly.

We’re still together, we’re still lovers. I felt insecure only once and told him we probably should just end it. He just held me very tight without a word. Then he simply said, “No.” That was all the assurance I needed.

Being judgmental has no place in human nature. I experienced what many have experienced. I don’t know why it happened to me. But I know it has made me more understanding of life.

Fate has a way of echoing the sayings, “All is fair in love and war,” and that “Everyone is created equal.” Just you wait.

LESSONS LEARNED

Your letter is quite like the others that have quite grown in number. Which proves oftentimes that it truly takes three to make a marriage work.

Marriage is hard work. We’ve heard the old folks say it is so unlike hot rice which one can just spit out once it burns the mouth. You deal with it and cope with it in whatever way you could. Effectively. Quietly. Discreetly.

As long as both lovers define their objectives, know their place in the relationship, follow and respect unsaid but binding rules—like no demands, no histrionics, no insecurities, no scandals, no trolling, no spying—then it’ll be really heaven with no strings attached.

Otherwise, completely disentangle from this entanglement if problems arise. Why make it another version of the acrimonious marriage one of you might have been trying to escape from? That is being masochistic.

Make it boldfaced unconditional love—with all the intrinsic qualities that befits the word. You’d be giving this relationship a wide enough berth to come, go and have a dance about in.



Read more: http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/243780/im-past-60-in-an-affair-its-heavenly/#ixzz4Pw5XbBmX
Follow us: @inquirerdotnet on Twitter | inquirerdotnet on Facebook
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cirenia
11/23/2016 5:14:00 PM
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
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apdo
12/2/2016 7:59:00 AM
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
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lintik
12/20/2016 7:35:00 PM
Room 1221
A man is in the hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your Johnson is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
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apdo
12/20/2016 7:37:00 PM
Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning…
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apdo
12/20/2016 7:38:00 PM
Anak: nanang! nanang! Agregla akon!
Nanang: aniya kolor na?
Anak: nalabbaga nga kasla nagtukel!!
Nanang: okininam ketdi nga bakla ka! inka agbuggo ta pultit dayta!
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cirenia
1/2/2017 12:09:00 PM
This is from Charie Villa.
Reminder to self and those who care:??
21 RULES FOR OUR IMPENDING SENIOR YEARS
1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised which old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don't feel it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savour it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humour in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived s
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apdo
1/7/2017 7:41:00 AM
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini.

This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

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cirenia
1/15/2017 2:23:00 PM
A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"

There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"
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cirenia
1/15/2017 2:24:00 PM
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
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apdo
1/19/2017 6:41:00 PM
LET'S GO BIBLICAL JEJEJEJE!
It Doesn't Hurt To Have A Little Biblical Humor During The Day . . .
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? ; ;
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS.... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
ENJOY ...
NOW DO YOUR PENANCE !!!!
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abigail
1/28/2017 8:46:00 AM
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole. "I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.

The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole. The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.

A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. That money is from grandma."
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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:35:00 PM
isko : kunam nga karpentero ni tatang mo
apay ngarud nga nag-pangit met ti balay yo

kulas : apay ngarud sika, ibagam nga beautician ni nanang mo ket
nag-pangit met

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Leo Beligan
3/13/2017 7:38:00 PM
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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abigail
3/15/2017 8:03:00 PM
Crumpled Bills
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”
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cirenia
3/31/2017 6:57:00 AM
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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cirenia
3/31/2017 8:01:00 AM
A kiangan goes to an eye doctor. The receptionist asks why he is there.
Kiangan: i keep seeing spots in front of my eyes!
Receptionist: have you ever seen a doctor?
Kiangan: No, just spots!
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cirenia
3/31/2017 8:03:00 AM
Having had too much to drink one evening an Ifugao youth fell asleep on the roadside while on his way home. He up, his eyes blinking, when a policeman pointed his flashlight directly in his face.
"Oh, so the moon came down." The lad was not amused when the cop asked if he was drunk. The boy claimed he was sober.
"If you're not drunk, can you recognize me?"
"Yes, sir, you're a police officer.
How about me, Sir, do you know me?"
"No!"
"Then you're the one who's drunk."
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abigail
4/5/2017 8:30:00 AM
Today's Joke - Wed, 05 Apr 2017
A salesman is out in the country and has to go to the bathroom. The only one he can find is a two-seater outhouse. Inside there's a farmer on one of the seats, the salesman takes the other.

When the farmer is done he stands, and when he pulls up his pants a handful of change falls out an into the hole. The salesman watches as the farmer calmly takes out his wallet and drops a ten-dollar bill down the hole.

The salesman says, "Excuse me, why did you throw ten dollars in the hole?"

The farmer says, "Well you're crazy if you think I'm going down there just for some pocket change!"
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lintik
4/14/2017 7:38:00 AM
A man goes to a lawyer for legal advice.
He asks "How much for answers to three questions?"
The lawyer says "$1,800."
The man says "Wow, isn't that really expensive?"
The lawyer says "Yeah, I suppose so. What's your third question?"
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apdo
4/26/2017 8:59:00 PM
Men in a Woman’s Life….
The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
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apdo
4/26/2017 9:00:00 PM
What’s the difference between the USA and a bird? …. On a bird, the left wing and right wing work together for the benefit of the whole bird.
Like
Like
Love
Haha
Wow
Sad
Angry
Comment
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/5/2017 8:02:00 AM
Two elderly sisters were driving down the Florida Turnpike when one sister read a sign and said "KISSimmee" (Kissimmee) 3 miles.
The other sister said, "it's pronounced KissIMMEE"
They argued about the pronunciation for a bit, and not being able to agree on it, they decided that they would stop in a local hamburger place and ask one of the locals.
So they went into the place, sat down in a booth. The waitress came over to them and asked what they would like to eat.
The one sister said, "Before we order, we are from out of town and we would like you to very clearly and distinctly pronounce where we are right now."
So the waitress, very slowly says "Burr gerrr Kinggg"
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cirenia
5/10/2017 6:52:00 AM
An Old man had 8 hairs on his head.
He went to a barbers shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall I cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
LIFE is to enjoy whatever you have with you and keep smiling.
If you feel STRESSED,
Give yourself a Break,
Enjoy Some ..
Ice cream
Chocolates
Cake
Why?
B'Coz
STRESSED in reverse Spells-
DESSERTS !!!
Alphabetic advice for you:
A B C
Avoid Boring Company..
D E F
Don't Entertain Fools..
G H I
Go for High Ideas .
J K L M
Just Keep a friend like ME..
N O P
Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..
Q R S
Quit Reacting to Silly tales..
T U V
Tune Urself for ur Victory..
W X Y Z
We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life
If you see the moon .... You see the beauty of God ....
If you see the Sun .... You see the power of God ..... And ....
If you see the Mirror .... You see the best Creation of GOD.
So Believe in YOURSELF.
Our aim in life should be
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
9 - glass drinking water.
8 - hrs sound sleep.
7 - wonders tour with family.
6 - six digit income.
5 - days work a week
4 - wheeler.
3 - bedroom flat
2 - cute children.
1 - sweetheart.
0 - tension !
If u like it
pls send it to all the people who are important to you ....
This is one of the most beautiful messages I have come across..

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Leo Beligan
5/19/2017 9:42:00 PM
to my dear husband:

I think you have things a little confused. There reasons you didn't get more than you did :

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while ready a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, basketball on tv.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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lintik
5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Who's the Boss?
Alex walks into a bar and finds Joey sitting on a stool.
"Joey," Alex said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joey said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" Asked Alex.
"I simply said to her, 'Mia, we are going to have it out right now, and I'm going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
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lintik
5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Getting Better
A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s favorite oldies.
Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.
After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”
The patient replied, “I hope you get better too!
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lintik
5/24/2017 9:47:00 PM
Wrong Way!
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.
“Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.
“It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
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cirenia
6/8/2017 8:42:00 PM
On the border of a small Aussie town, there was a big, old macadamia tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of macadamia nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
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cirenia
6/16/2017 9:48:00 PM
A crowd of managers was being entertained by a popular motivational speaker.
The speaker said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was shocked and just sat there in total silence.
The speaker added, “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd laughed loudly and applauded.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
The party had been going on all evening, and he was a bit tipsy after having had a few drinks.
The man tapped his spoon against a glass to get the party’s attention. As the crowd went silent, he stood up on a chair so he could be heard clearly.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the man finally blurted out, “… and I can’t remember who she was!”
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cirenia
6/16/2017 9:49:00 PM
Golden words : ”If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel…”
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lintik
7/4/2017 11:35:00 PM
A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions.
He runs to his father, “Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!”
His father tells him, “Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the women with small ones are smart.”
Soon after the son comes running again, “Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!”
The mom replies, “Those are called penises. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart.”
The family splits up as the wife lays down towels in the sand and the man goes to buy ice cream at a beach stand.
After a while, the wife turns to her son and asks, “Did you see where your dad went?”
Her son replies, “Yeah, he’s over there talking to the dumbest woman on the beach, and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.”
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Leo Beligan
7/21/2017 11:24:00 PM
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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Sumungbat

Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.





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