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Pagsasaritaan a Topiko


Leo Beligan
1/27/2009 10:26:00 PM



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4/5/2017 8:30:00 AM
Today's Joke - Wed, 05 Apr 2017
A salesman is out in the country and has to go to the bathroom. The only one he can find is a two-seater outhouse. Inside there's a farmer on one of the seats, the salesman takes the other.

When the farmer is done he stands, and when he pulls up his pants a handful of change falls out an into the hole. The salesman watches as the farmer calmly takes out his wallet and drops a ten-dollar bill down the hole.

The salesman says, "Excuse me, why did you throw ten dollars in the hole?"

The farmer says, "Well you're crazy if you think I'm going down there just for some pocket change!"
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4/14/2017 7:38:00 AM
A man goes to a lawyer for legal advice.
He asks "How much for answers to three questions?"
The lawyer says "$1,800."
The man says "Wow, isn't that really expensive?"
The lawyer says "Yeah, I suppose so. What's your third question?"
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4/26/2017 8:59:00 PM
Men in a Woman’s Life….
The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
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4/26/2017 9:00:00 PM
What’s the difference between the USA and a bird? …. On a bird, the left wing and right wing work together for the benefit of the whole bird.
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nenita bautista torqueza
5/5/2017 8:02:00 AM
Two elderly sisters were driving down the Florida Turnpike when one sister read a sign and said "KISSimmee" (Kissimmee) 3 miles.
The other sister said, "it's pronounced KissIMMEE"
They argued about the pronunciation for a bit, and not being able to agree on it, they decided that they would stop in a local hamburger place and ask one of the locals.
So they went into the place, sat down in a booth. The waitress came over to them and asked what they would like to eat.
The one sister said, "Before we order, we are from out of town and we would like you to very clearly and distinctly pronounce where we are right now."
So the waitress, very slowly says "Burr gerrr Kinggg"
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5/10/2017 6:52:00 AM
An Old man had 8 hairs on his head.
He went to a barbers shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall I cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
LIFE is to enjoy whatever you have with you and keep smiling.
If you feel STRESSED,
Give yourself a Break,
Enjoy Some ..
Ice cream
STRESSED in reverse Spells-
Alphabetic advice for you:
Avoid Boring Company..
Don't Entertain Fools..
Go for High Ideas .
Just Keep a friend like ME..
Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..
Quit Reacting to Silly tales..
Tune Urself for ur Victory..
We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life
If you see the moon .... You see the beauty of God ....
If you see the Sun .... You see the power of God ..... And ....
If you see the Mirror .... You see the best Creation of GOD.
So Believe in YOURSELF.
Our aim in life should be
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
9 - glass drinking water.
8 - hrs sound sleep.
7 - wonders tour with family.
6 - six digit income.
5 - days work a week
4 - wheeler.
3 - bedroom flat
2 - cute children.
1 - sweetheart.
0 - tension !
If u like it
pls send it to all the people who are important to you ....
This is one of the most beautiful messages I have come across..

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Leo Beligan
5/19/2017 9:42:00 PM
to my dear husband:

I think you have things a little confused. There reasons you didn't get more than you did :

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while ready a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, basketball on tv.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Who's the Boss?
Alex walks into a bar and finds Joey sitting on a stool.
"Joey," Alex said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joey said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" Asked Alex.
"I simply said to her, 'Mia, we are going to have it out right now, and I'm going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
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5/24/2017 9:46:00 PM
Getting Better
A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s favorite oldies.
Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.
After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”
The patient replied, “I hope you get better too!
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5/24/2017 9:47:00 PM
Wrong Way!
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.
“Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.
“It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
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6/8/2017 8:42:00 PM
On the border of a small Aussie town, there was a big, old macadamia tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of macadamia nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
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6/16/2017 9:48:00 PM
A crowd of managers was being entertained by a popular motivational speaker.
The speaker said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was shocked and just sat there in total silence.
The speaker added, “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd laughed loudly and applauded.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
The party had been going on all evening, and he was a bit tipsy after having had a few drinks.
The man tapped his spoon against a glass to get the party’s attention. As the crowd went silent, he stood up on a chair so he could be heard clearly.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the man finally blurted out, “… and I can’t remember who she was!”
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6/16/2017 9:49:00 PM
Golden words : ”If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel…”
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7/4/2017 11:35:00 PM
A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions.
He runs to his father, “Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!”
His father tells him, “Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the women with small ones are smart.”
Soon after the son comes running again, “Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!”
The mom replies, “Those are called penises. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart.”
The family splits up as the wife lays down towels in the sand and the man goes to buy ice cream at a beach stand.
After a while, the wife turns to her son and asks, “Did you see where your dad went?”
Her son replies, “Yeah, he’s over there talking to the dumbest woman on the beach, and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber.”
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Leo Beligan
7/21/2017 11:24:00 PM
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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8/19/2017 10:13:00 AM
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this for?" To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50.00 I owe you."
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9/3/2017 7:57:00 AM
There are four types of men in this world:
1.The man who knows,
and knows that he knows.
he is wise, so consult him.
2.The man who knows,
but doesn't know that he knows,
help him not to forget what he knows.
3.The man who knows not
and knows that he knows not,
teach him
4. Finally,
there is the man who knows not
but pretends that he knows,
he is a fool, so avoid him
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9/23/2017 5:37:00 PM
I love this, so am sharing with you:-
Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain,
just pray to God for a better umbrella.
- That is the attitude!
Life is not about finding the right person,
but creating the right relationship.
It's not how we care in the beginning,
but how much we care till the very end.
Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them;
a Wall or a Bridge?
- Remember you are the architect of your life.
Search for a good heart,
but don't search for a beautiful face,
bec beautiful things are not always good,
but good things are always beautiful.
It’s not important to hold
all the good cards in life,
but it’s important how well you play
with the cards you hold.
Often when we lose all hope
& think this is the end,
remember God and pray,
it’s just a bend, not the end.' -
Have faith and have a successful life.
One of the basic differences between
God and humans is,
God gives, gives and forgives.
But the human gets, gets, gets and forgets.
Be thankful in life...
If u think it is your alarm clock
that woke you up this morning,
try putting it beside a dead body
and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up.
If you are grateful to God, forward this to all your love ones to inform them that it is
JUST BY THE GRACE OF GOD that we are alive...good morning everyone...
?? God bless!!!
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Leo Beligan
10/14/2017 10:04:00 PM
Too much of anything is a bad thing, but be careful when you try to fix situations where you have too much – your actions may have unintended consequences…
A man with an excessively long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument. Over the years, he had had more than one complaint, so he decided that enough is enough.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”
The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
“Witch, my penis is excessively long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You’re my last hope!”
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to the frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
“WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!”
But at this length it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.”
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. This long is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”
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10/28/2017 7:49:00 AM
A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
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11/6/2017 7:17:00 AM
A police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

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11/30/2017 4:46:00 PM
A woman decided to have a facelift on her 50th birthday. She spent $5,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she said to the clerk:
“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” was the reply. “Nope, I’m exactly 50,” the woman said happily.
A little while later she went to McDonald,’s and asked the counter girl the very same question.
“The girl said, “I guess about 29.” The woman replied, “Nope I’m 50.”
Now she was really good about herself. She stopped in a drug store on her way down the street. She went up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk this burning question.
“The clerk responded, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responded “I am 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replied, “Lady, I’m 74 and my eyesight is going.... Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurted out, “What the hell! Go ahead.”
He slipped both hands under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounced and weighed each one of her bosoms. He gently pinched then as well. He pushed her assets together and rubbed them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said, “Okay....How old am I?”
He completed one last squeeze, removed his hands, and said, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman said, “That was incredible! How could you tell???”
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s”
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Leo Beligan
1/4/2018 6:49:00 AM
In politics, there are NO permanent friends or permanent enemies. Only the permanent , personal interests of ambitious politicians. So, wake up, political fanatics. Don’t despise or turn away your friends just because of their different , temporary political views or affiliations. . Be tolerant of others’ religious or political views, as you would want them to be tolerant of yours, because we all have the freedom to think and express our beliefs in a democracy. Just because he belongs to a different political persuasion does not make him less of a friend. Look at his heart, because that is what matters, not his temporary political beliefs. To each, his own. On the other hand, the politicians you idolize and deify don’t even know you and might only be mesmerizing you with lofty ideals in order to remain in power to enrich themselves and their families and friends. And here you are, idolizing these self-aggrandizing tyrants and/or thieves to the point of despising your personal friends who happen to temporarily be on the other side of political fences. Politicians come and go, but friends are forever. Hey, come to think of it, in moments of trouble, these friends will be the ones to help you unselfishly, not your idolized politician. What fools these mortals be! (DAN AMOSIN)
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1/4/2018 7:07:00 AM
Cheese Farm

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.

The young farmer’s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.

She said, “This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?”

An old lady piped up, “Honey, they take us on bus tours.”
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1/26/2018 5:17:00 AM
My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella."

After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?"

"Because you have to tell it what to do."

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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:29:00 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
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Leo Beligan
2/2/2018 6:30:00 AM
A son was placing his father into a nursing home. “Please don’t put me in there son!” cried the old man.

The son said, “Pop, I can’t take care of you and work too. I’ve checked the place out and it is the best one there is. I think you’ll love it.”

The next day the father called his son and said, “Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!”

“That’s swell dad,” said the son. “What makes it so great?”

“Well,” replied the dad, “last night I was in my room and from out of nowhere, I got an er.ction. A nurse came in, saw me and gave me a bl.wjob! I haven’t had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I’d almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!”

“That’s great dad,” said the son.

A few days later the father called his son again and said, “You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can’t live here any more!”

“What’s wrong pop?” asked the son.

“Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands and knees, a male nurse came along and sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!”

The son said, “Dad, I know that’s terrible and we’ll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there.”

“No son,” said the dad. “You don’t understand! I get an er.ction maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!”
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2/9/2018 5:04:00 AM
One evening, a beautiful 17 year old daughter came home, feeling slightly worried. Her dad noticed that something was wrong, and repeatedly asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

“Lovely airbags”

Finally, the daughter revealed what had been bothering her. Her new boyfriend had said something that she hadn’t quite understood.

“He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper,” the 17-year-old said.

Her dad leaned back in his chair and took a few deep breaths to keep his anger at bay.

He said to his daughter, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he’ll start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”
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3/5/2018 11:37:00 PM
A pharmacist walked into his pharmacy and saw a man standing tightly against a wall making a funny face, so he asked the technician working that day, "What is going on?"

She said, "Well, he came in with a bad cough and asked for a cough suppressant, but we are out of it so I sold him a laxative."

The pharmacist said loudly, "Laxatives won't suppress a cough!"

She said, "I know that, but look at him -- he doesn't dare cough."
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3/13/2018 8:10:00 PM
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
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3/24/2018 6:17:00 AM
Suspicion Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable,"
Adam responded.
"You know you're the
only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until
Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by
a strange pain in the chest.
It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?"
Adam demanded. "
Counting your ribs,"
said Eve.
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3/28/2018 7:48:00 PM
Translation of English words
to tagalog...

have fun enjoy, pinoy lang naka iintindi nito

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
?? Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
21) Thesis - ito ay...
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad.
Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka itlog
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) VHF - Very High Power
46.) PAF - Philippine Air Flane
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nenita bautista torqueza
3/28/2018 7:50:00 PM
The following is a very meaningful story which is called "Let Go", and written by Dr. Billy Graham.

A little child was playing one day with a very valuable vase. He put his hand into it and could not withdraw it. His father too, tried his best, but all in vain. They were thinking of breaking the vase when the father said, "Now, my son, make one more try. Open your hand and hold your fingers out straight as you see me doing, and then pull."

To their astonishment the little fellow said, "O no, father. I couldn't put my fingers out like that, because if I did I would drop my penny."

Smile, if you will--but thousands of us are like that little boy, so busy holding on to the world's worthless penny that we cannot accept liberation. I beg you to drop the trifle in your heart. Surrender! Let go!
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4/8/2018 10:00:00 AM

Paying the Price

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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Leo Beligan
4/19/2018 8:51:00 AM
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....
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Leo Beligan
4/19/2018 8:54:00 AM
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
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5/3/2018 7:10:00 AM
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
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5/3/2018 7:27:00 AM
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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Leo Beligan
5/13/2018 11:20:00 PM
a REPOST with permission from Dan I. Amosin

The decision of the 8 justices in the Sereno case has rendered nugatory the functions of the constitutionally-created Judicial and Bar Council as regards the vetting and determination of the qualifications of candidates for any vacancy in the Supreme Court and the Ombudsman.

The Supreme Court is represented in that body, where it is given the opportunity to vet candidates. It likewise usurped and stultified the power of Congress to remove the Chief Justice by impeachment, which was actually ongoing when the 8 justices raced Congress to the draw and removed the Chief Justice themselves without so much as saying by your leave.

Assuming arguendo without admitting that indeed the Supreme Court has CONCURRENT jurisdiction with Congress as a co-equal body to remove the Chief Justice by Quo Warranto, then it should have deferred to Congress on the issue in this instant case, because there was already an ONGOING impeachment proceeding in Congress before the Quo Warranto case was filed in the Supreme Court. In fact, 6 of the justices recognized the legitimacy and pre-eminence of this primary jurisdiction by participating and testifying in the proceedings therein against the Chief Justice. Because of this action, the 6 justices are barred by the doctrine of ESTOPPEL from turning around and establishing the subsequent parallel jurisdiction of the Supreme Court, then trying and deciding the same issue in the subsequent Quo Warranto proceedings. More importantly, the 6 justices were barred from participating in the Quo Warranto case because that resulted in their acting as witnesses for the prosecution in one forum ( congress impeachment) and judges in their own forum ( quo warranto case in the Supreme Court ) on the same issues at the same time, thus the exercise of their discretion was tantamount to abuse thereof, rendering their action in excess of jurisdiction and therefore null and void.

Finally, the Supreme Court, thru its majority of 8 justices , acted in blatant abuse of its discretion by assuming a parallel jurisdiction on a matter of which Congress has already assumed primary jurisdiction, thus summarily truncating or aborting the ONGOING impeachment process in a co-equal body, Congress, also vested with such jurisdiction. The supreme court’s competing action is an abuse of its discretion rendering its act in excess of jurisdiction, and therefore null and void. In case of concurrent jurisdiction between two legal forums, it is a matter of law that the one which took cognizance of the issue FIRST should be allowed to exercise the same to the exclusion of another forum , in order to obviate the eventuality of two competing bodies having concurrent jurisdiction trying the same issue and ultimately rendering CONTRADICTORY judgments thereon.

This professional courtesy in legal proceedings is designed to achieve the orderly rendering of justice in every case . The Supreme Court is duty bound to promote it. Alas, it has not only reneged on its duty in this case , it also promoted tumult and a constitutional crisis by stultifying an ongoing congressional impeachment process with its unnecessary and parallel action of conducting a concurrent, parallel and competing hearing on the same issue by way of giving due course to a Quo Warranto case In derogation of law , the demands of equity and fairness, the orderly rendering of justice and the clear delineation and non-competing apportionment of powers in the Constitution. It would have been different if the Quo Warranto case was filed first with the Supreme Court before Congress ever started the impeachment process. These are good points for a Motion for Reconsideration of the Supreme Court’s erroneous decision. My two cents’ worth as a practicing lawyer and former university instructor on the constitution. (Dan I. Amosin)
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5/20/2018 1:10:00 PM
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot.

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
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5/20/2018 1:11:00 PM
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her."
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Leo Beligan
5/25/2018 10:33:00 PM
Do You Know: TITLING OF LANDS is Only 50.00 pesos ( R. A. No. 730 )
BY JUNIOR · MAY 20, 2018

Update as of 7 Feb 2017 6:11 AM: Read this blog below of Atty. Laserna. Though this is quite long but it’s worth reading it.


For purposes of legal research of foreign readers visiting this blog, on the subject of the legal system involving the titling of public lands in the Philippines, may I share some basic readings thereon as published in the website of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources ( I have also added a relevant 1999 Supreme Court decision on the same subject matter.

Frequently Asked Questions:

How can one acquire TITLE?

For original registration, when no title has yet been issued over a parcel
of land, it can be acquired either by:

1. Judicial proceedings – by filing petition for registration in Court.

2. Administrative proceedings – filing an appropriate application for
patent (e.g. homestead) in the Administrative body (DENR) and
registration of this patent becomes the basis for issuance of the
Original Certificate of Title by the Register of Deeds.

What are the main classification of lands as to ownership?

1. Private properties – those which are titled.

2. Public lands – those which have not been titled as
well as those public dominion or outside the commerce
of man such as road, public plaza and rivers.

What are Public Lands?

All Lands that are not acquired by private person or corporation, either by grant or purchase are public lands. The common understanding therefore, is that all lands which have no title or not registered to private individual are public land. These are

grouped into:

1. Alienable or disposable (A & D Lands) – those that can be acquired or issued title. Our constitution provides that only agricultural lands can be disposed of to private citizens.

2. Non-alienable lands – includes timber or forest lands, mineral lands, national parks. No title can be issued over any portion within this area.

What are the modes of disposition or how can one acquire title over A&D lands? The modes are:

1. by Homestead Patent
2. by Sales Patent
3. by Lease
4. By Free Patent or Administrative legalization

What are the evidence or proof of ownership over a parcel of land?

The best evidence of ownership is the certificate of title duly issued by the Register of Deeds concerned. However, in the absence of a title, tax
declaration coupled by actual possession and existence of improvement also substantiate claim for ownership.

What is a TITLE?

A title refers to the legal right to own a property and the certificate of title is the document which confers such right of ownership to an individual, association or corporation.

How can one acquire TITLE?

For original registration, when no title has yet been issued over a parcel of land, it can be acquired either by:
1. Judicial proceedings – by filing petition for registration in Court.
2. Administrative proceedings – filing an appropriate application for patent (e.g. homestead) in the Administrative body (DENR) and registration of this patent becomes the basis for issuance of the Original Certificate of Title by the Register of Deeds.

In subsequent registration of Title, what are necessary to effect the same?
Transfer of title is effected by executing a document such as deed of sale wherein the registered owner (seller) transfer the ownership to a buyer. The capital gains tax and other taxes must be paid before clearance can be secured from the BIR. This will be submitted to the Register of Deeds concerned, together with the title which will be surrendered for issuance of a new title in the name of the buyer.

Subsequent registration of title is a function and jurisdiction of the Register of Deeds under the LRA as the land involved is already a private property outside the jurisdiction of the DENR.
In case the registered owner dies, how can ownership be transferred to the heirs?

When a registered owner died without leaving a last will and testament, the heirs can transfer the title to themselves by executing an extra-judicial settlement of the estate, on condition that the heirs are in agreement of how to
dispose the properties. If there is conflict and heirs can not agree, they should
bring a case before the court which will make a decision for them.
Is possession the same as ownership? Who are informal settlers??

No. Possession means actual and exclusive control of property by physical occupation and this could be in good faith or in bad faith. On the other hand, ownership implies the legal right of possession, control and enjoyment by the owner who has established evidence that he owns the property.

Informal settlers are those in possession of land without the benefit of a title and without consent of the owner. Their possession is not permanent and has no legal basis for occupation. The possessor must strive to acquire title to the land before his possession can become permanent.

In cases where there are conflicting claims, who shall have a better right?
In cases where both claimants have no title, there are many factors to consider
like actual possession. The one who occupies the land especially in good faith has
better right as against someone with doubtful documents or has recently acquired
rights without knowledge of the one in possession. However, all factors must be
fully evaluated to determine preferential rights….


A free patent is a mode of acquiring a parcel of alienable and disposable public land which is suitable for agricultural purposes, thru the administrative confirmation of imperfect and incomplete title. Agricultural public lands classified as alienable and disposable are subject for disposition under Free Patent.

The applicant for a free patent must comply with the following qualifications:

1. He must be a natural born citizen of the Philippines.

2. He must not be the owner of more than twelve (12) hectares of land.

3. The land must have been occupied and cultivated for at least thirty (30) years prior to April 16, 1990 by the applicant or his predecessors-in-interest and shall have paid the real estate tax thereon.

4. A minor can apply for a free patent, provided he is duly represented by his natural parents or legal guardian and has been occupying and cultivating the area applied for either by himself or his predecessor-in-interest

The following are the steps leading to the approval and issuance of a free patent:

1. Filing of application;

2. Investigation;

3. Posting of notice for two (2) consecutive weeks in the provincial capitol or municipal building and barangay hall concerned;

4. Order of approval of application and issuance of patent;

5. Preparation of Patent in Judicial Form 54 and 54-D and the technical description duly transcribed at the back thereof;

6. Transmittal of the Free Patent to the Register of Deeds concerned for the issuance of the corresponding Original Certificate of Title.

The following officials of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources (DENR) are authorized to approve applications for homestead and free patents:

1. Up to 5 hectares – Provincial Environment and Natural Resources Officer (PENRO)
2. More than 5 Ha. to 10 Ha. – Regional Executive Director of the DENR.


Homestead Patent is a mode of acquiring alienable and disposable lands of the public domain for agricultural purposes conditioned upon actual cultivation and residence.
Where should Homestead Application be filed?

A Homestead application like any other public land applications should be filed at the DENR-Community Environment and Natural Resources Office where the land being applied for is located.

Who are qualified to apply

1. Citizens of the Philippines.
2. Over 18 years old or head of the family.
3. Not the owner of more than 12 hectares of land pursuant to the 1987 constitution

Can a married woman make a Homestead entry?

A married woman can now apply for a patent application under DAO-2002-13 dated June 24, 2002 issued by the then Secretary of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources Heherzon T. Alvarez. This is in accordance with Article II, Section 14 of the Constitution and Republic Act No. 7192 otherwise known as the “Women in Development and Nation Building Act” as implemented by DAO No. 98-15 of May 27, 1998 on “Revised Guidelines on the Implementation of Gender and Development (GAD) Activities in the DENR”. This Administrative Order gives women, equal right as men in filing, acceptance, processing and approval of public land applications.

Legal Requirements

1. Application fee of P50.00;
2. Entry fee of P5.00;
3. Final fee of P5.00;
4. Approved plan and technical description of the land applied for;
5. Actual occupation and residence by the applicant;

Steps leading to the issuance of a Homestead patent

1. Filing of application;

2. Preliminary Investigation;

3. Approval of application;

4. Filing of final proof which consists of two (2) parts;

a. Notice of intention to make Final Proof which is posted for 30 days.
b. Testimony of the homesteader corroborated by two (2) witnesses mentioned in the notice. The Final Proof is filed not earlier than 1 year after the approval of the application but within 5 years from the said date.

5. Confirmatory Final Investigation;

6. Order of Issuance of Patent;

7. Preparation of patent using Judicial Form No. 67 and 67-D and the technical description duly inscribed at the back thereof;

8. Transmittal of the Homestead patent to the Register of Deeds concerned.

Signing and Approving Authority For Homestead and Free Patents:

Up to 5 hectares (has.) – PENRO
More than 5 Has. to 10 Has. – RED
More than 10 Has. – DENR Secretary


REPUBLIC ACT NO. 730 is an act permitting sale without public auction of alienable and disposable lands of the public domain for residential purpose.

The application to purchase the land is called the Miscellaneous Sales Application and the corresponding patent is called the Miscellaneous Sales Patent.

Who are Qualified to Apply?

A Filipino citizen of lawful age, married; if single, applicant must be the head or bread winner of the family;
He is not the owner of a home lot in the municipality/city where the land applied for is located;
He must have occupied in good faith the land applied for and constructed a house thereon where he/she and family is actually residing.

Requirements in the filing of a Miscellaneous Sales Application under R. A. No. 730
Application Filing fee of P50.00;

Approved plan and technical description of the land applied for;

Affidavit of the applicant stating that:

He is not the owner of any other home lot in the municipality/city where he resides.

He is requesting that the land be sold to him under the provision of R. A. No. 730.

If the applicant is single, he must submit an affidavit stating that he is the head or bread winner of the family;

The land is not needed for public use.

Maximum area that may be granted to an applicant
The applicant can only be granted a maximum area of 1,000 square meters.

Presidential Decree No. 2004 dated December 30, 1985 amended Section 2 of Republic Act 730 thus, lands acquired under this Act before and after the issuance of patent thereon are no longer subject to any restriction.

Steps in Acquiring a Miscellaneous Sales Patent

Filing of application at the CENRO;

investigation and appraisal of the land applied for;

Survey of the land if not yet surveyed;

Investigation report whether the applicant possesses the qualification for direct sales;
Comment and recommendation of the District/City engineer with the concurrence of the Regional Director, Department of Public works and Highways;

Recommendation to the PENRO for approval of appraisal and request for authority to sell without public auction;
Approval of appraisal and grant of authority to sell by the PENRO;

Posting of notice of sale without public auction for thirty (30) consecutive days in the following places:

CENRO Bulletin board
Municipal building bulletin board
Barangay Hall bulletin board
On the land itself

Submission of the proofs of posting and payment of at least 10% of the appraised value of the land;
Order of Award;

Proof of full payment of the purchase price of the land;
Order issuance of Miscellaneous Sales Patent in Judicial Form No. 167 with the technical description duly inscribed at the back thereof;

Approval and signature of the Miscellaneous Sales Patent by the official concerned;
Transmittal of the Miscellaneous Sales Patent to the Register of Deeds concerned for the issuance of the corresponding Original Certificate of the Title to the applicant.
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6/20/2018 8:30:00 PM
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
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6/30/2018 7:45:00 AM
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."
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7/12/2018 8:31:00 AM
Good answer!

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
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7/12/2018 8:31:00 AM
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.

It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
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7/12/2018 8:33:00 AM
Lord’s Prayer

Two men were arguing about religion and as the discussion heated up, one said to the other, “I’ll bet you five dollars you don’t know the Lord’s Prayer!”

The other said, “I’ll take that bet,” and he started to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”

“I’ll be darned,” said the first man. “You win. I didn’t think you could do it.”
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Leo Beligan
7/19/2018 11:00:00 AM
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?
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Leo Beligan
8/6/2018 9:23:00 PM
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"
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8/25/2018 7:53:00 AM
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
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8/28/2018 8:12:00 AM
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
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Leo Beligan
8/28/2018 10:15:00 PM
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 8:51:00 PM
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 8:53:00 PM
was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

“Excuse me,” I said to a casino employee. “How does this work?”

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

“And where does the money come out?” I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, “Usually at the ATM.”
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 9:02:00 PM
A guy is stranded on a desert

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/1/2018 9:07:00 PM
Marriage one-liners

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There's water in the carburetor'. I said, ‘Where's the car?' She said, ‘In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
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nenita bautista torqueza
9/7/2018 7:51:00 AM
I took my four-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys' night out."

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I explained that they were tiny seeds and that they were OK to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
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9/13/2018 9:35:00 AM
One who cannot give time can never give love. But one who truly loves will always have time...
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9/22/2018 9:20:00 AM
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought,
"What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.
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Leo Beligan
10/1/2018 10:51:00 AM
Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.
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10/11/2018 7:00:00 AM
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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10/24/2018 9:22:00 AM
Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they are used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
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10/24/2018 10:43:00 AM
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
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11/2/2018 3:29:00 PM
One Sunday morning, a wife complained of a bad stomach ache and wouldn't be able to attend the church service, so her husband went alone. When he returned later, he had two black eyes!

When she asked what happened, he explained that when everyone rose to sing a hymn, he noticed the lady in the pew in front of him had her dress tucked into her rear end. Well, being ever the gentleman, he figured she wouldn't want to be seen that way, so he reached forward and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged him in the eye!

"But," his wife said, "how did the OTHER eye get black too?"

He explained: "When she turned back around, I was still a bit stunned, but I thought to myself she must have wanted it there, so I reached forward and gently tucked it back in."
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11/11/2018 7:44:00 AM
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I am a congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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12/1/2018 5:10:00 AM
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
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pat azurin gapusan
12/22/2018 8:52:00 AM
Paskua manaen, gagayem. Naimbag a paskua tay amin!!

Ang Tasmpoy Ng Kaklase Ni Boris

Boris: Daddy, daddy, ang titi ng kalase kong si Leo ay parang tsampoy.

Lintik: Bakit ba anak, maliit?

Boris: Ay, hinding hindi po daddy. Kasi po maalat at maasim.
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12/26/2018 6:12:00 PM
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion: her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessing that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"
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12/27/2018 5:10:00 PM
BEER VS. WOMEN ( I just borrowed this so don’t get mad at me)

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too !

So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer !

Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai, India.... To help you analyze which is better !

Here is the debate .......

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !

So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !

If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........ Know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6
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12/27/2018 5:10:00 PM
This guy is 72 years old and he loves to fish.

One day he was sitting in his boat on the lake day when he heard a voice say, 'Please pick me up.'

He looked around but couldn't see anyone.

He then heard the voice say again,'Please pick me up.'

He looked over the side and there in the water floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Excuse me, but are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. If you pick me up and kiss me I'll be turned into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. All your friends will be envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a while then reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog protested, 'Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will turn into your beautiful bride.'

The guy opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I don't need a wife.........It's more fun to have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.
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12/27/2018 5:11:00 PM
Mo and Jo are sitting in boat fishing, drinking beer and chewing tobacco when out of the blue Mo says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife she ain't spoke to me in over a month" Jo sips his beer and says, "Better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
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12/27/2018 7:21:00 PM
A friend of mine crossed 65. I asked him what's changing? He sent me the following lines.*

*Yes, I am changing*. — After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children, my friends, now I have started loving myself.

*Yes, I am changing.* — I just realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.

*Yes, I am changing* — I have stopped bargaining with stallholders selling vegetables and fruit vendors. After all, a few Pesos more is not going to burn a hole in my pocket but it might help the poor fellow save for his future needs

*Yes, I am changing* — I pay the taxi driver without waiting for the change. The extra money might bring a smile on his face. After all he is toiling much harder for a living than me

*Yes, I am changing* — I stopped telling the elderly that they've already narrated that story many times. After all, the story makes them walk down the memory lane and relieve the past.

*Yes, I am changing* — I've learnt not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. After all, the onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.

*Yes, I am changing* — I give compliments freely and generously. After all it's a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me.

*Yes, I am changing* — I've learnt not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. After all, personality speaks louder than appearances.

*Yes, I am changing* — I walk away from people who don't value me. After all, they might not know my worth, but I do.

*Yes, I am changing* — I remain cool when someone plays dirty politics to outrun me in the rat race. After all, I am not a rat and neither am I in any race.

*Yes, I am changing* — I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. After all, it's my emotions that make me human.

*Yes, I am changing* — I have learnt that its better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. After all, my ego will keep me aloof whereas with relationships, I will never be alone.

*Yes, I am changing* — I've learnt to live each day as if it's the last. After all, it might be the last.

*Yes, I am changing* — I am doing what makes me happy. After all, I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to me.

(Better start at ANY AGE)??
All the best in 2019!
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Leo Beligan
12/30/2018 10:49:00 AM

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs.
3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Request the late check-out.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or don’t play at all…
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
14. You marry the girl, you marry her family.
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
18. Never turn down a breath mint.
19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
22. Eat lunch with the new kid.
23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
25. Manners maketh the man.
26. Give credit. Take the blame.
27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.
28. Write down your dreams.
29. Take time to snuggle your pets, they love you so much and are always happy to see you.
30. Be confident and humble at the same time.
31. If ever in doubt, remember whose son you are and REFUSE to just be ordinary!

Repost from
The True Filipino Gentleman
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2/1/2019 6:05:00 AM
A Good Homily

Q: How long should a good homily be?

A: It should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested.
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2/1/2019 6:06:00 AM
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," he replied.
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2/12/2019 9:28:00 AM
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
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3/14/2019 8:18:00 AM
A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares inventively on the youth's multicolored mohawk.

The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."
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3/22/2019 8:35:00 AM
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."
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4/1/2019 8:13:00 PM
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
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nenita bautista torqueza
4/5/2019 5:12:00 AM
Forwarded from a friend. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Advertisement In Shop:
Guitar, for Sale........ Cheap........
....... no strings attached.
Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You lose weight....
one lung at a time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is relative.
The more the success, the more the relatives.
When I read about the evils of drinking..
I gave up reading.
My grandfather is 80
and still doesn't need glasses....
He drinks straight from the bottle.
Sign In A Bar:
'Those of you who are drinking to forget, please do pay in advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
When your wife learn to drive .......don't stand in her way.
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
The reason men lie Is because women ask too many questions.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
Laugh and the world laughs with you,
snore and you sleep alone.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Sign At A Barber's Shop:

We need your heads to run our business.
Sign In A Restaurant:
All drinking water here has been passed personally by the Manager.
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4/5/2019 5:24:00 AM
good morning
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4/7/2019 8:56:00 AM
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"
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4/8/2019 11:59:00 AM
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
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Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:53:00 AM
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."
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Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:54:00 AM
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"
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Leo Beligan
4/14/2019 8:55:00 AM
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms."
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4/24/2019 5:26:00 AM
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
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4/24/2019 5:33:00 AM
1. ats if!
2. the nerd!
3. im sick of tired!
4. true good to be true!
5. when it rains, it's four!
6. once in a new moon.
7. keep your mouth shock!
8. connect me if i'm wrong.
9. i hope u don't mine. (this is so unbelievably common!)
10. will u please give me alone?
11. PLS. DON'T MAKE FOND OF ME!!!! (this too!)
anong number ang like mo?
it's your CHOOSE not min
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4/24/2019 5:35:00 AM
e, dont be so choicey
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4/25/2019 8:37:00 AM
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen.
They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed.
Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading,
"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
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5/5/2019 5:46:00 AM
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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5/5/2019 5:48:00 AM
A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
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5/5/2019 5:49:00 AM
Beware of a drunkard he will name names....

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
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5/5/2019 5:49:00 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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5/5/2019 5:57:00 AM
Once there was a lonely man who wanted a pet -- one that would not require a great deal of care. He merely wanted something to come home to in the evening, something to keep him company.

He went to a pet store and explained his need to the proprietor. The pet store owner said that he had just the thing the man was looking for: a canary "guaranteed to sing." The man agreed that it seemed like the perfect choice, bought the canary and took it home.

The next day the lonely man hurried home from work and, as he entered his house, was overwhelmed by the sound of beautiful music coming from the canary. He was very pleased and proceeded to feed the bird as he listened to its wonderful sound. But when he opened the cage he discovered that the canary had only one leg. One leg!

This irritated him. He felt cheated! And so he packed up the cage and returned to the pet store. "You sold me a canary with only one leg," he complained to the proprietor.

To which the store owner replied, "Well what did you want, a singer or a dancer?"

...............The "never satisfied" person is often a destructive influence, a source of needless anxiety, tension and unhappiness, not only in his or her own life but also in the life of others.
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Leo Beligan
5/21/2019 5:42:00 AM

The grandmother of a sharp little girl was slightly taken aback when her granddaughter asked, "Grandma, how old are you?"

Grandma replied, "Well, honey, when you're my age you don't share that information with anybody ... I will never tell anyone my age."

"That's O.K.," said the little girl, "I already know. I saw your driver's license on the dresser in your bedroom. It had the color of your eyes and a lot of other things about you on it, like your date of birth. So I subtracted that year from this year and the answer was seventy-six. You're seventy-six years old."

"That's right sweetheart," Grandma replied, "I am seventy-six."

There was a pause, then the little girl said sadly, "I'm sorry you got an "F" in sex."
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Leo Beligan
5/21/2019 6:08:00 AM
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
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5/22/2019 7:06:00 AM
Single vs. Married

Why are single women thinner than married women?

Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.

Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!
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5/28/2019 7:06:00 AM
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."
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6/14/2019 6:35:00 AM
What do you do?

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.

"I'm a nurse."

"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.

"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
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Ag-Loginka pay nga umuna Kailian sakbay nga agposteka.


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