BORIS
4/12/2012 6:14:00 PM
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Lakay Flor is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Lakay flor says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because
I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Lakay Flor says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, Lakay Flor is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And
I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
Lakay Flor guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the
new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforget-
table experience.
He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' Lakay Flor says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy!!'
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abigail
4/14/2012 7:24:00 AM
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A husband raced into his house. "I've found a great job!" he exclaimed to his wife. "The pay is incredible, they offer free medical insurance, and give three weeks vacation!" "That does sound wonderful," said the wife. "I'm glad you think so," replied her husband. "You start tomorrow."
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otiang
4/18/2012 8:31:00 PM
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A man bought several acres of wasteland and, within a year had turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local priest stopped by and complimented the man on his progress. Then he added, "Wonderous things can surely happen when man and God work together." "Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone."
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Lakay Flor
4/20/2012 10:32:00 AM
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he he he he.....ni tatang Isabella dayta hooker nga estorya ni manang BORIS dita ngato.
Diyo kadi ammo aya a ni tatang Isabella ket maysa a transvestite?
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isabella
4/20/2012 3:04:00 PM
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Baket Flora called the police shortly after she caught Lakay Flor masturbating onto their teen daughter's underwear.
Apparently it's illegal if she's still wearing them.
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cirenia
4/23/2012 3:08:00 PM
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A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're an absolute pig." "I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."
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BORIS
4/27/2012 6:49:00 PM
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"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, Your Honor," the zoo attendant said. said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." "My name is Ernie," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Bom Bom," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Patrick ," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name under the latok is Peanuts," said Lakay Flor.
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isabella
4/28/2012 7:03:00 AM
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Two gay prostitutes were talking about how tough times were.
Berting said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for ten measly pesos just so I had the pedicab fare home."
"Huh!" replied Lakay Flor, "I gave away a blow job last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"
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justine
5/2/2012 11:01:00 AM
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It was the big day of the sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising on the local media) were the reason for the long line that formed in front of the store, by 8:30, opening time. Boris pushed his way in front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On Boris' second attempt, he was punched square on the jaw, knocked around a bit, and then thrown back at the end of the line again.
As Boris got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time I won't open the store!"
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abigail
5/4/2012 8:12:00 PM
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A police officer was investigating an accident on a narrow two-lane road on which the drivers had hit virtually head-on. driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!" After gathering as much information as possible, the officer approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer said, "That old lady says you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?" In exasperation, the man turned from his smashed car and said, "Officer, I would have been more than happy to give her half of the road, if she would have just let me know which half she wanted."
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Berting
5/5/2012 1:35:00 PM
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Ti New York City ket maysa kadagiti siudad ditoy Lubong nga adu iti mataktakawan iti kotse wenno lina-un ti kotse wenno ania man a nakakabit iti kotse. Napardas ken na-alisto dagiti mannanakaw
Maysa nga aldaw, nagpasiar ni Abigail diay New York City. Imparkna ti kotsena iti igid ti kalsada. Idi agballasiw iti kalsada, addan mangilaklako ti maysa a pilid ti kotsena.
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isabella
5/6/2012 6:08:00 PM
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This gay guy, Berting was going home from the bar one night and couldn't score. As he was walking home he saw a drunk bum, Lakay Flor, passed out on a bench. Berting thought, "Hmm, better than nothing!" So he butt f*cked Lakay Flor and left him a $5 bill. The next morning, when Lakay Flor woke up, he found the $5 bill and went straight to the liquor store and said, "Give me a $5 bottle."
The next night, Berting and Patrick walked by Lakay Flor, passed out on the bench, again. Berting told Patrick what happened the night before, so they both took turns packing Lakay Flor's sh*t. They both left $5 bill. Again, Lakay Flor found the money and went to the liquor store. This time he said, "Give me two $5 bottles."
The next night, Berting, Patrick and eight of their gay friends came by and found Lakay Flor passed out on the same bench. They gangbanged him and each left a $5 bill. Once again, Lakay Flor found the money and went to the liquor store. The guy at the counter said, "Ten $5 bottles?"
Lakay Flor replied, "No, just one $50 bottle. The $5 liquor is making my ass hurt!"
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cirenia
5/7/2012 3:32:00 PM
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A computer technician was called to a small business to repair a computer. He wasn’t able to find a close parking spot, so he left his car in a No PARKING zone and placed a note on his windshield saying, "James Bauer, computer technician, working inside the building." He completed his work within thirty minutes and returned to his car to find a ticket with a note that read, "Peter Westin, police officer, working outside the building."
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cirenia
5/13/2012 12:13:00 AM
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A motorist got his car stuck in the mud while on a drive through the country. A farmer happened to be by the side of the road and offered to pull him out for twenty dollars. "At that price, I would think you'd be busy day and night, pulling people out," said the motorist. "Oh, I can't at night," said the farmer. "That's when I haul water for this hole."
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cirenia
5/18/2012 8:51:00 PM
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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How `bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
ERAP ALYAS BUBBA
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Leo Beligan
5/21/2012 7:47:00 PM
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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last. As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk." "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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justine
5/22/2012 8:16:00 PM
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When Fil was a cub reporter, he covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with a story and a headline of 'Woman Raped, Mental Patient Escapes'.
The editor told Fil the headline needed a little punch to grab the readers' attention. After a while he came back with 'Fiend F*cks and Flees".
The editor told Fil it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, Fil went back and tried again. Much later he came back with a headline, 'Nut Screws and Bolts".
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vilma reyes
5/23/2012 5:40:00 AM
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he he he malagipko la ket ngarud daydi martines ko a pinatay di pusami a nalakak idi iti dumawat ken apong iti igatang ko ti ice cream ta ibagananton nga umuna ken apong a kayatna ti sorbetes ket maayatanton ni apong a mangibaon kaniak a gumatangak iti ice cream. basta makangngeg idi iti kulinling ket ilaawnanton 'Sorbetes kayatko apong....'
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cirenia
5/25/2012 8:04:00 PM
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TWO DIFFICULT THINGS TO ACHIEVE:
*1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.
*2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.
The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.
And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.
The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.
The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!
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abigail
5/26/2012 7:58:00 PM
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Catholic Conversation
>
>
> Four Catholic men and a Catholic
> woman were having coffee.
>
> The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a
> priest.
> When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
> 'Father' '.
>
>
> The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop.
> When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
> Grace''.
>
> The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal.
> When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'
> '.
>
>
> The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
> When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
> Holiness''.
>
> Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
> silence,
> the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
>
>
> She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and
> 36-24-36.
> When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God
> !.... :-)
>
>
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abigail
5/28/2012 5:00:00 PM
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Two lovers intereted in spiritualism and reincarnation vomed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
As fate would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the stance, she called out, "John, Dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a Rabbit out near Dubbo."
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abigail
6/2/2012 5:54:00 AM
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A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "Do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
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BORIS
6/4/2012 11:17:00 PM
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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oyasan
6/8/2012 11:02:00 PM
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John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you
been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of
us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.. The
robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to
Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked
Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.. The robot went around to
Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip
quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really
watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is
your son!" With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
knocked her out of her chair.
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BORIS
6/13/2012 3:27:00 PM
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
"To your wife."
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isabella
6/13/2012 5:11:00 PM
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Kuya Boris went out for a few drinks with his friends one Friday evening but ended up getting so drunk at his gay lover's apartment that by the time he came around, it was Sunday lunch time.
Realizing that his wife will give him hell over the missing day and a half, he knew he had to come up with a plauisible explanation.
He was really struggling to think of a good excuse until he had a sudden brainstorm.
Calling home, Boris yelled down the phone, "Don't pay the ransom, darling! I've managed to escape!"
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innok
6/24/2012 10:48:00 AM
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Begin your exercises by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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abigail
6/29/2012 7:29:00 AM
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
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abigail
7/2/2012 8:51:00 PM
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire near Sydney. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go." The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures."yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer and photographers take pictures." After a long pause, the "pilot" replied, "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
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cirenia
7/4/2012 11:30:00 AM
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."
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isabella
7/7/2012 2:32:00 AM
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Need Fishing Licences
A couple of young men were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush jumped the Game Warden!!
Immediately, Boris dropped his fishing rod down and started running through the woods and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about half a mile Boris stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see your fishing licence, boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, Boris pulled out his wallet and gave the Warden a valid fishing licence.
"Well, boy," said the Game Warden. "You must be as dumb as a box of rocks. You don't have to run from me if you have a valid fishing licence!"
"Yes Sir," replied Boris. "But my friend back there, well....he don't have one."
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cirenia
7/11/2012 3:21:00 PM
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A married couple in their early 60's were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such a great married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra - the husband became 92 years old.
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cirenia
7/16/2012 6:30:00 AM
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Two gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really? Like a baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself."
didikitid to apong torni
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abigail
7/20/2012 5:52:00 PM
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A little boy named Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy
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BORIS
7/23/2012 6:19:00 AM
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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BORIS
7/27/2012 3:15:00 PM
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
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abigail
7/28/2012 12:29:00 PM
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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
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otiang
7/30/2012 6:29:00 PM
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After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Lakay Flor remembered he
had a Dentist appointment. However, he was afraid that the dentist would
smell pussy on his breath. So, he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental
floss 8 times and on top of that, he gargled a whole bottle of
Listerine.
As he arrived at the dentist, he sucked 2 strong
mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling
confident and relaxed, Mitch opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close and said, Mother of God, did you have 69 before you came here?
Lakay Flor turned to him and said, 'Does my breath smell like pussy?'
No? The dentist replied, 'your forehead smells like shit!'.
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Leo Beligan
8/2/2012 3:19:00 PM
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A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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BORIS
8/4/2012 9:04:00 PM
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Some not too smart gangsters headed by Lakay Flor decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster Lakay Flor says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."
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cirenia
8/7/2012 3:42:00 PM
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Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
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cirenia
8/13/2012 12:25:00 AM
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon."
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cirenia
8/17/2012 7:54:00 PM
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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cirenia
8/21/2012 3:59:00 PM
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A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."
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Jasmine Astudillo Rosete
8/23/2012 11:22:00 PM
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Hello... good morning/afternoon po. I am your new neighbor here at this website, iluko.com. Mabalin ti makilinong ditoy sirok ti sarguelasyo, apo?
Thank you, salamat po.
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Leo Beligan
8/24/2012 8:56:00 PM
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WELCOME NANGNANGRUNA NO ADDA BALON mo nga pagpalamiis.
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abigail
8/26/2012 1:31:00 PM
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Coco-Cola in Israel A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters: First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place." Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left!
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BORIS
8/30/2012 8:30:00 AM
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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
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BORIS
9/2/2012 11:03:00 PM
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Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
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isabella
9/4/2012 12:45:00 AM
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Lakay Flor told Boris, his live-in boyfriend, to find him the best penis enlargement product....so Boris gave him a magnifying glass.
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justine
9/4/2012 5:06:00 PM
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Young Lakay Flor was 7 years old and like other boys his age is curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Young Lakay Flor, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning Young Lakay Flor EXPLAINED everything to his mother. "Sis and he boyfriend sat and talked for a while, and then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way a doctor would. Except he was not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting pretty sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About his time, Sis got worse and begun to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it with one hand to prevent it from getting away. When sis saw the eel she got really scared - her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and started calling out to God, and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down the lake by our house. Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocked and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started moaning, groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly,the eel wasn't dead. It jumped up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats - they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis got up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 30 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
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MILIG
9/7/2012 4:45:00 PM
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Affair With Secretary
The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
...
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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abigail
9/12/2012 6:24:00 PM
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.
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MILIG
9/16/2012 9:03:00 AM
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Boy: I Think You Are ABCDEFGHIJK...
Girl: What Does That Mean...?
Boy: Adorable, Beautiful, Charming, Delightful, Elegant, Feisty, Gorgeous, Hot
Girl: What does The IJK stand for?
Boy: I'm just kidding!
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Leo Beligan
9/19/2012 7:58:00 PM
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ni JOHNNYRIC M DOMINGO
aunt pilar: apay nga agsingsinglut ka manen, simeon?
simeon: nagkabilkami manen ken inso! aunti, ania ti ingles ti bekkel?
aunt pilar: ket goiter ah! sino aya ti adda bekkel na barok?
simeon: (saan na a nasungbatan ni ikit na ta sumungad ni inso)"inso! come here & i will goiter you"
BINULOD KO KEN NI jOHNNYRIC
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cirenia
9/23/2012 6:33:00 AM
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
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cirenia
9/26/2012 8:22:00 AM
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An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming "Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
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Leo Beligan
10/4/2012 6:07:00 PM
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An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
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otiang
10/7/2012 7:21:00 AM
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Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No",replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
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otiang
10/7/2012 7:22:00 AM
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Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No",replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
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cirenia
10/7/2012 8:17:00 AM
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FILIPINO CARPENTER
A FILIPINO carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story New York building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off.
...
A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?''
The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?''
''No,'' was the reply from the Filipino carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it.''
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abigail
10/15/2012 7:26:00 AM
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O WAITER - Isang uri ng social network site na pwede kang magfollow at mag-to wait.
SURVEY TEST - Yung tagalog ng ICE CREAM.
TIMELINE - Malungkot o walang sigla.. "Bakit ang TIMELINE mo?"
...
I SCREAM - Eto yung tinatawag nilang sorbetes.
FOLLOWED - Ang sasabihin mo sa tindera ng load.
FEARFUL - Yung isa pang tawag sa color violet.
KOREAN TEA - Yan yung nawawala pag nag- brown out.
A TRUST - Yung lalakad ng pabalik at kabaliktaran ng abante.
MAKE DOUGH - Kalaban ng Jollibee.
LAUGH IS - Yan yung ginagamit pang sulat.
TWO WHILE YEAH - Yung ginagamit after maligo.
SICK RATE - Mga bagay na hindi mo maaring sabihin sa iba.
SI BEN 11 - Yung convenience store kung san ka bumibili ng slurpee.
SHE FEEL YOU - Yan yung gamit mo pangtotoothbrush.
PERSUADING - Ito yung unang kasal.
VAIN TEA - Yan ang presyo ng Cornetto.
GRABE TEH! - Is the force that causes two particles to pull towards each other.
LOW FEET - Sinasabi kapag nakakita ng astig na pangyayari o bagay. Ang Low Feet!
DEDUCT - Ang Pato.
CHECK IN - Kadalasang ginagawang adobo at afritada. English term ng Manok.
DUE CARE - Kalaban ni Batman.
SHE KISS - Dyan makakabili ng pizza. Kalaban ng Pizza Hut.
DEPRESS - Yan yung English term ng "Ang Pari".
HAVE A - Yan yung sinasabi kapag maganda at benta yung joke.
MALICIOUS - Yung mali yung nasuot mong sapatos.
MY DOLL - Yan yung tinatanggap ng mga matatalinong mag-aaral.
THE VALUE - Yung susunod sa letrang "V".
CALL THERE OH! - Yung gamit sa pagluluto ng kanin.
LOVE BEEN THERE - Favorite color ko. Light color ng violet
STD - Yung hindi ka gagalaw.
FAUCET - Isang uri ng lamang dagat na may galamay.
IN SEX - Example nito ay ants, bees, bugs etc
SHE CAN - English term ng manok.
CITY - Ito ay bago mag-Otsu. City.
A LIE - Sinasabi ng mga Chinese kapag nasasaktan.
LOVING A NAME - Yan yung kasunod sa Labinlima.
TO WAIT - tunog na nililikha ng ibon. To wait, to wait.
INNER ROW - Yan yung kasunod ng Pebrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow.
THE EGG - Kapag mag magaling siya sa iyo. The Egg ka niya.
CONTEMPLATE - Kapag hindi ganun karami ang mga plato sa kusina niyo. Contemplate.
COCONUT - Yan ang mangyayari sa chicharong nakabukas ng matagal.
EFFORT - Dito lumalapag ang airplane.
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isabella
10/20/2012 8:21:00 AM
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Lakay Flor goes into a karinderia and orders a bowl of aroz kaldo. "What the fuck is this?!" he screams, after the bowl is almost empty. "There's pussy hair in my aroz kaldo! I'm not paying for it!" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very angry at this and follows Lakay Flor out and sees him go to the whorehouse accross the street. Lakay Flor pays the madam and retires to a room with a cheap ugly whore and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about pussy hair in your aroz kaldo and then you come over here and do THIS?!"
Lakay Flor lifts his head, turns to the waitress and exclaims, "Yeah!...and if I find rice or chidken bone in here, I ain't paying for it either!!"
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cirenia
10/21/2012 10:11:00 AM
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An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
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BORIS
10/29/2012 5:46:00 AM
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Bigo sa pag-ibig?
Maghanap ng…
KUBA - Hindi ka kokontrahin, siya ay magpapakumbaba.
...LUMPO - Lagi kang sasamahan. Kahit kelan, hindi ka tatakbuhan.
PIPI - Kahit mag-away kayo, hindi ka makakarinig ng masasakit na salita.
BULAG - Walang pakialam kahit ano pa ang itsura mo.
Mag-iingat ka lang sa…
NGONGO - Malabong kausap.
BULOL - Walang isang salita.
BINGI - Kung hindi mo lalapitan, hindi namamansin.
DULING - Hindi kuntento sa isa. Two-timer!
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Leo Beligan
11/6/2012 5:25:00 AM
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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
10 Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the
idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a
Beautiful Morning even when it's not.
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abigail
11/18/2012 8:30:00 AM
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Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
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Leo Beligan
11/25/2012 3:15:00 PM
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".
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isabella
12/25/2012 7:25:00 PM
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A young man was about to get married and was asking Lakay Flor about sex. He asked how often you should have it. Lakay Flor told him that when you first get married you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
Lakay Flor continued to tell the young man that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week, or so. Then when you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old like me, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.
The young man then asked, "Well, how often do you have it with Baket Flora now?"
Lakay Flor replied, "Oh, we still have heated oral sex almost everyday."
"Amazing!! Is it because you can't get it up any more that's why you just have oral sex?" the young man was curious.
"Hell no! It's like this," Lakay Flor explained, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'F*ck you!' and I holler back, 'F*ck you, too!'"
Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year kadatayo amin a umay aglinlinong ditoy sirok ti sarguelas ni Uncle Leo!!!!
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cirenia
1/1/2013 11:35:00 AM
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happy new year
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Laramie
1/11/2013 7:05:00 PM
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Naimbag a Sabado tayo amin amin aappo! Palubusandak man met nga umay makilinong ditoy sirok ti sarguelas ta umay sa ket sukatan ni Bising ni Auring nga umay mangdidigra ken mangperdi kadagiti mulmula tayo sadiay talon.
For all the Ilokano men in our lives who ask, "What took you so long in the Comfort Room?"
When you have to visit a public comfort room, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants. The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someones mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there is one...but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor!), yank down your pants and assume the 'stance.' In this position, your aging toneless (God, I should have gone to the gym!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down but you certainly didn't take your time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold the 'stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be an empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you tried to clean the seat you would have known there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue paper that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh, yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strungle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumb nail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "OCCUPIED!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the toilet seat. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because you never laid down the toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if whe knew, because, you are certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because frankly, dear, "You just don't know what kind of diseases you could get!" By this time the automatic sensor at the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet dispenser for fear of being sucked in, too. At this point, you give up...you are soaked by the spewing water and the toilet seat. You're E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket!
Then slink out inconspiccuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors...so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you needed it?!) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "here, you might just need this!"
As you exit, you spot your boyfriend, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's comfort room. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to all Ilokano women everywhere who deal with public comfort rooms (COMFORT??? You've got to be kidding!)
It finally explains to the Ilokano men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question why Ilokano women go the comfort room in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you kleenex under the door!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
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abigail
1/15/2013 8:46:00 AM
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Laramie
1/16/2013 3:27:00 PM
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A friend is like a good bra...
Hard to find...
Supportive...
Comfortable...
Always lifts you up...
Never lets you down,
Or leaves you hanging,
And is always close to your heart!!
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abigail
1/23/2013 5:24:00 PM
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Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected.
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cirenia
1/31/2013 8:51:00 PM
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Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you."
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abigail
2/3/2013 8:43:00 AM
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One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me asI am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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cirenia
2/8/2013 5:18:00 PM
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One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought - I can't figure out how to get started." Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" "From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "Im afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." "Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde." Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
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fermin
2/12/2013 8:03:00 PM
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Two seamen were steaming out of Busan Harbor for a six month cruise in the Arctic. Speaking of his young boyfriend, Lakay Flor said (wih tears in his eyes), "It was hard when I kissed him goodbye."
"Yeah," said the other seaman, glancing down at the bulge in Lakay Flor's pants. "And it is still hard by the look of it!"
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abigail
3/1/2013 4:46:00 PM
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BAGONG KASAL
Misis: Honey, malapit na tayo maging tatlo dito sa bahay.
Mister: Talaga ba Honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo!
Misis: Oo, dito na titira ang Nanay ko!
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Leo Beligan
3/7/2013 9:39:00 PM
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Woman Stops Grizzly Bear Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber is the weapon of choice for this woman.
In her own words: "My story.
"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
"Just one shot to my boyfriend's kneecap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
"It's one of the best pistols in my collection."
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isabella
3/8/2013 9:18:00 AM
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Lakay Flor walks into a bar and sits down next to Berting who's already drunk. Soon Lakay Flor realizes that Berting is carefully examining something in his hand and holding it up to the light. "What do you have there?" asks Lakay Flor.
Berting shakes his head, "Damn if I know," he replied. "It looks like plastic nd feels like rubber."
"Let me take a look," says Lakay Flor and rolls it between his fingers, smells and licks to taste it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic, feels like rubber and tastes like sisig, but I don'r know what it is. Where did you get it from anyway?"
Berting exclaimed, "I picked it out of my nose!"
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justine
3/8/2013 9:38:00 AM
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Good one Lolo Leo...very timely joke to help celebrate Int'l Women's day. lmao!
When Isabella was a little girl, she used to play and sing,
And sticked her little finger up her little thing.
But now that she's a big girl and youth has lost its charm,
She sticks all her frigging fingers in, and half her frigging arm.
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Leo Beligan
3/25/2013 6:02:00 AM
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We
are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
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cirenia
3/30/2013 10:13:00 AM
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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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cirenia
4/3/2013 6:12:00 PM
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Teacher: Farai, what are the two days of the week, which start with letter "T"? Farai: Today and tomorrow Sir.
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abigail
4/6/2013 10:58:00 PM
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BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
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Leo Beligan
4/10/2013 8:26:00 PM
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires."
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abigail
4/15/2013 9:29:00 PM
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Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, "We repair 7-dollars hair cuts."
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cirenia
4/22/2013 8:16:00 PM
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A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. "Yup, but I didn't see you!"
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cirenia
4/28/2013 9:18:00 PM
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A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?" The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"
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abigail
5/1/2013 9:57:00 PM
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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
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Leo Beligan
5/4/2013 9:03:00 PM
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A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge." The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, "It says "Pull!"
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abigail
5/9/2013 8:17:00 AM
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Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
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cirenia
5/9/2013 10:08:00 PM
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While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say "honey?" Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again complaining of his wifes hearing problem and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?" The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 2 feet away she turned around and screamed "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
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Berting
5/10/2013 8:45:00 AM
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Question: Why did God make farts smell?
Answer: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
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abigail
5/10/2013 2:25:00 PM
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"Didn't you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?" asked the policeman. "No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt," replied the woman.
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abigail
5/11/2013 4:01:00 PM
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Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?" Driver, "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."
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Kurdapio
5/11/2013 7:11:00 PM
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Abigail: Natubongan iti danum daytoy akinkannigid a lapayagko. Isuromman iti aramidek tapno maikkat ti danum?
Berting: Sullatam dayta akinkannawan a lapayagmo iti ambuligan. Selselam iti kapas dagita dua nga abut ti agongmo. Kaemem iti nairot dayta ngiwatmo. Ala, agpugiitkan ta puyotek dayta purriitmo.
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cirenia
5/17/2013 8:14:00 AM
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At an Irish wedding, men were asked to stand up to the one person that has made your life worth living... The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Leo Beligan
5/18/2013 9:28:00 AM
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DO GOOD AND DON'T EVER STOP DOING GOOD
A woman baked bread for members of her family and an extra one for a hungry passerby. She kept the extra Bread on the window sill, for whosoever would take it away.
Every day, a hunchback came and took away the Bread. Instead of expressing gratitude, he muttered the following words as he went his way: ” The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!”
This went on, day after day. Every day, the hunchback came, picked up the bread and uttered the words: “The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!”
The woman felt irritated. “Not a word of gratitude,” she said to herself… ” Everyday this hunchback utters this jingle! What does he mean?”
One day, exasperated, she decided to do away with him. “I shall get rid of this hunchback,” she said. And what did she do? She added poison to the bread she prepared for him!
As she was about to keep it on the window sill, her hands trembled. “What is this I am doing?” she said.
Immediately, she threw the Bread into the fire, prepared another one and kept it on the window sill.
As usual, the hunchback came, picked up the Bread and muttered the words: ”The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!” The hunchback proceeded on his way, blissfully unaware of the war raging in the mind of the woman.
Every day, as the woman placed the Bread on the window sill, she offered a prayer for her son who had gone to a distant place to seek his fortune.For many months,she had no news of him.. She prayed for his safe return.
That evening, there was a knock on the door. As she opened it, she was surprised to find her son standing in the doorway.
He had grown thin and lean. His garments were tattered and torn. He was hungry, starved and weak. As he saw his mother, he said,”Mom, it’s a miracle I’m here. While I was but a mile away, I was so famished that I collapsed.
I would have died, but just then an old hunchback passed by. I begged of him for a morsel of food, and he was kind enough to give me a whole Bread. As he gave it to me, he said,”This is what I eat everyday: today, I shall give it to you, for your need is greater than mine!”
As the mother heard those words, her face turned pale. She leaned against the door for support. She remembered the poisoned bread that she had made that morning. Had she not burnt it in the fire, it would have been eaten by her own son, and he would have lost his life! It was then that she realized the significance of the words: “The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!”
......Do good and Don’t ever stop doing good, even if it is not appreciated at that time.
BINULOD KO KEN SI SIDRO
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