Leo Beligan
5/18/2011 5:33:00 PM
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“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!
Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!
Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang sabihin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… hindi ko po kilala ang bagong date ni Noy! Promise! Sa news ko lang nalaman na may binobola na naman siya. Aha-ha-ha. So kung sino ka man girl, if you’re watching or reading this right now, good luck talaga sa ‘yo!
Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go out to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go out to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”
Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!
Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.
Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go out to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go out to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi
Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi
Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi
Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.
Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!
Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi
Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-ba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?
Kris: Gumagamit ka raw ng steroids?
MP: Hemorrhoids?!? Juks lang. Hihihi
Kris: Yucccck! You’re so kadiri talaga! Steroids not hemorrhoids!
MP: Subra naman ‘yan. Kasu na naman ‘yan. Hihihi Ang totoo Kris, coomit nga, ‘di pa ko nakakita, asteroids pa kaya! ‘Di totoo ‘yan. Paninira lang ‘yan.
Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?
Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!
Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!
Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!
Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!
Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!
Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!
Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!
Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!
Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!
Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!
Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!
Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!
Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!
Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha
Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!
Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!
Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha
Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!
Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.
Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.
Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!
Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?
Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go out to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Wala ‘yan sa Bible ‘no!
-End of Interview-
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“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935
You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
- Ipasa! 81.26%
- Ibasura! 10.3%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%
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Leo Beligan
6/4/2011 8:38:00 AM
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FORMER LOS ANGELES Lakers slotman Shaquille O’Neal has called it quits. Shaq was quick to clarify though that he quit for “personal reasons” and not because of a power struggle between rival factions in his team.
Sources say Shaquille O’Neal wants to go back to being a private citizen. He also dismissed rumors that he quit because of the impending return of Assistant Secretary Virginia Torres to the LTO.
Next DoTC Chief?
According to Newsbreak, defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas has been offered the DoTC post to be vacated soon by Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Without naming names though, President Aquino said the intended substitute asked for more time to think about the offer. Let’s all hope that by Monday, Korina Sanchez has made a decision.
First, it was the post of executive secretary, then presidential chief of staff. Now, it’s the DoTC. The President has so much trust in Mar Roxas, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s offered the presidency.
Disputed Territory
Chinese Embassy spokesperson Michelle Zhao has denied allegations of illegal military incursions into Philippine territorial waters in the South China Sea. Out of force of habit, the Philippine government believed her.
Fish Pens
Local officials in Talisay, Batangas admit Chinese businessmen own and operate several fish cages in the area. We worry so much about South China Sea and yet, we can’t even protect Taal Lake.
Marcos Burial
Reports say Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos… not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani though but in Ilocos Norte. It was also recommended that the refrigerated body be carried to the cemetery by a specially designed funeral vehicle – a thaw truck.
Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos. A 21-gun salute will be fired by a group of seven soldiers including Carlos F. Garcia, Jacinto Ligot, George Rabusa, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva.
Facebook Ban
City hall employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts and play computer games during office hours. You know what that means? Half-day na lang ang pasok! Yehey!
Local government employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts. Disgruntled employees immediately changed their status to “It’s Complicated.”
Double Dead
Double-dead milkfish or botchang bangus that were confiscated in wet markets were brought to crocodile parks in Quezon City and Pasay. But park supervisors said they could only accommodate so much. The remaining botchang bangus are now being delivered to Congress.
Lotto Winner
The lone winner of the 356-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot is a 60-year-old slum-dwelling barangay tanod and part-time carpenter from Las Piñas City who was a recipient of the agency’s medical assistance last month, has six children, and whose siblings reside in Bicol. These vital pieces information came from PCSO General Manager Jose Ferdinand Rojas II a.k.a. Tim Yap.
Overseas…
Dr. Jack Kevorkian has died. He was 83. It wasn’t clear though if he helped himself die.
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“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
~Lance Armstrong
You Have Spoken
Dapat bang magkaroon ng divorce sa Pilipinas?
- Panahon na! 61.34%
- Hindi na kailangan! 32.91%
- Hindi ko alam. 5.75%
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Leo Beligan
7/1/2011 8:57:00 PM
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IT’S BEEN A YEAR since voters decided to elect the candidate who would bring change.
A leader who is strong.
A leader who will defend the poor and the oppressed.
A leader who’s unafraid. A leader who’s got balls.
Yes, it’s been a year. So happy 1st year in office…
Sara Duterte!
Million Dollar Baby
Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte punched a Davao RTC Branch 15 sheriff who was serving a demolition order on Friday. Duterte won by unanimous decision… in social networking sites.
For refusing to delay for two more hours the demolition of shanties in Agdao district, court sheriff Abe Andres was punched on the face by Mayor Sara Duterte. The sheriff sustained a cut, a black eye, and a bruised ego.
Television footage showed Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte landed 3 out of 3 punches (100%) while Sheriff Andres landed in the hospital.
Netizens are comparing Mayor Sarah Duterte to Cong. Manny Pacquiao. But that’s unfair. Pacquiao has never won a fight in 10 seconds.
Netizens say Mayor Sarah Duterte is the new Manny Pacquiao. That’s completely untrue mainly because everytime Pacman wins a fight, he apologizes to his opponent.
Court sheriff Abe Andres who was serving a demolition order inside a contested property in Davao’s Agdao district was punched at least three times on his face by Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte. Hell hath no fury like a Duterte scorned.
Last Thursday, June 30, Sunstar Davao quoted Mayor Sara Duterte as saying that chess and martial arts would be the “focus sports” of Davao City. Not anymore.
In Other News…
To mark his first year in office Thursday, June 30, President Aquino delivered his Ulat sa Bayan, otherwise known as ‘nothing that we didn’t read in the newspapers.’
Did you see the crowd at Philsports Arena? For a moment, I thought it was a prayer rally especially during that part in which President Aquino started talking about the devil that was the Arroyo government.
Marking the first anniversary of his administration, President Aquino delivered a well-applauded speech. Probably one of his best election campaign pitches ever.
In his Ulat sa Bayan, the President revealed anomalies in the PNCC, PCSO, and the NFA. The most surprising thing about that speech? There was no mention of his lovelife. (How could you!?)
CONGRATULATIONS President Aquino! You have successfully completed Level 1 of your presidency. Five more levels to go and you’re done. Good luck!
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“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”
~John Maxwell
NOON, NGAYON
Noon: Gusto mong magka-Pajero… magtrabaho!
Ngayon: Gusto mong magka-Pajero… mag-Obispo!
Quote of the Week
“Pabahay, bigas, seguridad, pasahod, kalsada, pantawid pasada, at salbabida para sa mga kababayan nating nilulunod ng kahirapan: iyan po ang pagbabagong inaani natin ngayon.”
~President Aquino
You Have Spoken
Sa umano’y new developments sa Vizconde massacre case, sino ang higit na kapani-paniwala?
-DOJ at NBI 24.6%
-Hubert and the Webb Family 20.56%
-Litung-lito na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung sinong nagsasabi ng totoo. 54.84%
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Leo Beligan
7/9/2011 10:05:00 PM
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Intelligence Funds
During Thursday’s Senate hearing, it was revealed that in 2010 alone, the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office released 150 million pesos for intelligence – higher than the AFP’s annual intelligence fund of 124.3 million pesos. Former PCSO General Manager Rosario Uriarte defended the disbursement of the amount saying the PCSO was able to neutralize Communist rebels, Muslim extremists, and the Abu Sayyaf Group.
PCSO General Manager Rosario Uriarte revealed that the letters of request for intelligence funds totaling 325 million pesos from April 2008 to Feb. 25, 2010 were approved by then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Uriarte was certain those were GMA’s signatures because she was just one foot away from her when she signed the documents.
JV vs. Mikey
Amid the PCSO fund controversy, former president Joseph Estrada’s son, San Juan Rep. JV Ejercito traded barbs with former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s son, Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo. Here’s their fiery Twitter exchange:
@TheRealJVEjercito
For the reason that they have taken advantage of the Filipino people, they should be sentenced with life imprisonment.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Palibhasa neophyte ka sa Kongreso kaya wala kang paggalang sa kapwa mo kongresista. Publicity lang ang habol mo.
@TheRealJVEjercito
Correction! Hindi publicity ang habol ko. Ang habol ko, maipakulong kayo!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Wow, ang linis. Sino bang na-sentensyahan ng life imprisonment dahil sa plunder? Eh ‘di ba ‘yong ama mo?
@TheRealJVEjercito
Hoy! For your information hindi pera ng gobyerno ang kinuha ng tatay ko!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Ah oo nga naman, jueteng money ‘yon. Pera ng tao. Eh ‘di mas malala!
@TheRealJVEjercito
May mas lalala pa ba sa pandaraya sa eleksyon ng ina mo!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Ina mo rin! Tapos na ang isyung ‘yan. ‘Wag mo nang ungkatin. Bitter ka lang dahil hindi nagtagal sa puwesto ang tatay mo! ‘Buti na lang at nabisto ang mga kickback niya sa jueteng!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Ah ganun!? Eh ‘yong kickback ng magulang mo sa NBN-ZTE deal? Kumusta naman?
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Hindi nasangkot ang nanay ko sa murder. Baka lang nalimutan mo, hindi pa sarado ang kaso nina Dacer at Corbito!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Fertilizer fund scam ng ina mo!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Boracay mansion ng ama mo!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Mas kaduda-duda naman ang mga mansion n’yo sa California!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
At least ang nanay ko, walang kabit at hindi marami ang asawa?
@TheRealJVEjercito
Rufa Mae Quinto!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
‘Wag kang mamersonal! Break na kami. Last year pa!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Hahaha! Wala ka nang maisumbat! Naubusan ka na talaga! Loser!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Anong wala? Kapatid mo si Jinggoy!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Eeew. Matagal ko nang tinanggap ‘yon!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Eh bakit s’ya hindi pa?!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Hindi ko na ‘yon problema. Tapos ka na? Ako marami pa! Hello na lang kay Mrs. Lilia Pineda! Tumbok na otsenta, sahod na kuwarenta! Hahaha
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Kung magsalita ‘to, para naman ‘yong ama niya eh hindi kumita sa mga Pineda!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Old issue!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Walang utang na loob! Kung ‘di dahil sa ina ko, nakakulong pa rin ang ama mo.
@TheRealJVEjercito
Walang kasalanan ang tatay ko.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Babaero at lasenggo!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Rehashed.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Sugarol!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Recycled.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Bakla!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Tanga! Baka ‘yong kapatid ko.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Haha! Addict ka talaga!
@TheRealJVEjercito
Ay siya rin ‘yon! Joooke! You didn’t hear it from me huh!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Sure! So pa’no? Ceasefire muna?
@TheRealJVEjercito
Oks lang. Dahil tomorrow naman ay Linggo, payag ako. Unsolicited advice lang: magsimba kayo!
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Bakit naman pati ‘yon pinapakialaman mo?
@TheRealJVEjercito
Wala naman. Concerned lang. Sa dami ng ibinabatong kaso sa ina mo, hindi lang doble kundi tripleng dasal ang kailangan n’yo.
@MightyMikeyArroyo
Wait, sino nga ulit ang bakla sa mga kapatid mo?
@TheRealJVEjercito
Ha-ha-ha Peace! Logout na ‘ko!
-END OF TWITTER EXCHANGE-
SUV-shops
The good news is seven bishops will return the PCSO money used to purchase their sport utility vehicles. The bad news is starting tomorrow (Sunday), there will be a second collection at the end of Mass.
Butuan Bishop Juan de Dios Pueblos says he is a victim of “character assassination.” Excuse me Bishop, but last time we checked, it was you who asked for “a brand new car, possibly a 4 x 4” for your birthday gift! There was hardly anything left of your character to “assassinate!”
Top 10 Things Overheard at the CBCP’s Bi-Annual Plenary Meeting Held Saturday, July 9, 2011
No. 10: “Ang tigas kasi ng ulo mo! Sinabihan na kita noon pa, lumayo ka na kay GMA. Hindi ka nakinig. O, anong napala mo?”
No. 9: “Sa ayaw at sa gusto n’yo, ibabalik natin! Ito lang ang paraan upang malinis ang pangalan ng Simbahan.”
No. 8: “Bishop, sino sa palagay n’yo ang ama ng ipinagbubuntis ni Andi Eigenmann? Albie Casiño o Jake Ejercito? | Ay! Mas pasok sa plangganang butas ‘yong Jake! In fairness! Forgive me Lord!”
No. 7: “Sino ba ang Elizabeth Angsioco na ‘yan at bakit ‘di n’yo mapatahimik?”
No. 6: “Hello? Hello? Medyo chubby po kayo Madam President. Ang labo po ng linya n’yo. Hello? Nasa plenary meeting lang po ako. Let me return your call in a while. Yes Madam President. Yes. Huwag ho kayong mag-alala. Hindi ko kayo ilalaglag.”
No. 5: “‘Yong pito sa inyo na laman ng balita ngayon, umisip na kayo ng ibibigay na eksplanasyon sa Vaticano. Mga hinayupak kayo!”
No. 4: “Ito ay pagsubok lamang sa katatagan ng ating paninindigan laban sa RH Bill. Huwag kayong bibigay sa pressure ng mga kampon ng demonyo.”
No. 3: “Pareng Bishop, atin-atin lang ‘to huh! Nakita mo ba ‘yong binaklas na billboard ng Philippine Volcanoes sa Edsa? Grabe! Hindi ko kinaya. Luveeet!”
No. 2: “After ng plenary, kausapin n’yo na ang mga in-assign sa inyong abogado. Paturo na kayo ng isasagot para hindi kayo tatanga-tanga ‘pag tinanong kayo sa hearing next week.”
And the No. 1 thing overheard at the CBCP’s bi-annual plenary meeting held Saturday, July 9…
“Hindi naman ako ang unang nag-draft ng letter na ‘yon kay GMA eh. Hiniram ko lang ‘yong template ni Bishop ******. Bakit ‘yong sulat ko ang napag-initan ni Margie Juico at ng PCSO?”
Overseas
Last Tuesday, a Florida jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of killing her 2-year-old daughter Caylee in 2008. Anthony wasn’t happy though because just this morning, the DOJ and the NBI announced they had found at least six new witnesses against her.
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“We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.”
~Bertrand Russell
You Have Spoken
Ayon sa ilang obispo, pinag-iinitan daw sila ng gobyerno. Makatwiran ba ang kanilang reklamo?
-Oo nga naman. Unfair ang trato sa kanila. 7.1%
-Hindi ‘no! Dapat lang silang imbestigahan! 85.8%
-Magbabasa muna ako. Huli na ‘ko sa balita. 7.1%
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Patrick A. Gapusan
7/10/2011 7:12:00 PM
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Two priests and a bishop from the Ilocos Regions wanted to travel from Chicago to Pittsburgh. They go to the local bus depot, where Fr Bombom goes to buy the tickets. The ticket seller is a young sexy lady wearing a sheer blouse and no bra. This makes Fr Bombom nervous. He stammers out, "I want three tickets to Titsburgh." When he realizes what he just said, he turns red and leaves in a hurry.
"Where are the tickets?" asks bishop BORIS. Fr Bombom explains what happened.
Fr Kent says, "Don't worry, I can take care of this. I'll even get change so we can get some Pepsi." Approaching the counter, he tells the lady, "I want three tickets to pittsburgh, and I need change for the pop machine. Give me three dollars worth of nipples and dimes, please." He, too, turns red and hurries away.
Bishop BORIS says, "You young men just need more experience. I'll take care of the situation." Bishop BORIS goes to the counter and tells the young woman, "I want three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I'm very thirsty. I would like three dollars worth of nickels and dimes for the pop machine. As a man of God, young lady, I advice you to dress more modestly in the future. If you don't, when you die and get to the pearly gates, St Finger will shake his peter at you and say.....
Joke's a classic but I think it's still funny. No offense meant to our Catholic friends.
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Leo Beligan
7/11/2011 9:00:00 PM
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IN A PASTORAL STATEMENT read by outgoing CBCP president Nereo Odchimar Monday, the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines apologized to the members of the Catholic Church after several bishops got embroiled in the PCSO fund controversy. Here’s a portion of that letter [and what the CBCP wanted to say but couldn’t in parentheses.]
Our Dear People of God,
[Mga Tagasunod,]
Our Mother Church has been deeply wounded by the controversies in the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office that have erupted in the past two weeks.
[Nitong mga nakaraang linggo, sumusobra na kayo. Pikon na ang Simbahan. As in!]
Some members of the Church believe in the innocence of the bishops involved in the issue, while others do not.
[Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, ‘wag!]
There is no doubt that everywhere in the Church there is great sorrow.
[Kung saan-saan na kami nagdasal, ayaw pa ring tumigil!]
We your pastors are one with you.
[Higit kailanman, kailangan namin kayo ngayon.]
… we are sorry for the pain and sadness that these events have brought upon you.
[‘Sensya na, tao lang.]
We are saddened that many of you… have been confused because of the apparent inconsistency of our actions…
[Hindi lang kayo ang 'confused!' Marami ring pari at obispo ang confused!']
As we express our sadness, we also ask you to be slow in judgment…
[‘Wag kayong mapanghusga. Bakit?! Talaga namang kadiri ang same-sex marriage ah. Judgmental ba ‘yon?]
Let us seek the truth always in charity.
[Lalabas din ang katotohanan. Basta ang donasyon, ituloy n’yo lang.]
We assure you that the bishops concerned are ready to accept responsibility for their action…
[Kinastigo na namin at binantaang ititiwalag. Kapag ‘di pa naman nagtanda ‘yong mga ‘yon, ewan na lang.]
We assure you that their action was done without malice.
[Maliban na lang do'n sa isa. Nakadalawang sulat pala ang damuho! Ang kapal talaga ng mukha!]
Out of their sincere desire to help their people, they failed to consider the pitfalls to which these grants could possibly lead them.
[Kita n’yo na? Fault n’yo ‘to eh! Kayo ang dahilan kung bakit nagawa ng mga obispo 'yon!]
They have also expressed their readiness to do everything that is necessary to heal this wound so that we can all move forward in hope.
[Ibabalik na nga namin ang mga sasakyan eh. Ba’t ba ang kulit n’yo? Anong akala n’yo sa ‘min? Patay-gutom? Mas mayaman ang Simbahan kesa sa PCSO ‘no?]
We shall examine our values in the light of our vocation to be disciples of Jesus Christ.
[Masakit pero kakayanin.]
We plead with you to walk with us in this path of constant renewal.
[Akala ng Noynoy na ‘yan, siya lang ang may matuwid na daan!? Kami rin!]
We express again our deep sorrow for the pain that the recent events have brought to you our beloved people.
[Paulit-ulit na kaming nagso-sorry. Akala n’yo ba madaling gawin ‘to? Hindi!]
The good Lord knows our love for you.
[Kaya nga kami nag-request ng 4 x 4, para mabisita namin kayo ‘di ba? Hindi pa ba sapat na pruweba ‘yan ng aming pagmamahal?]
The words of the Psalmist come to our mind: “My sacrifice, a contrite spirit. A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn.”
[Patawad na kasi, ano ba?!]
As the same Psalmist addresses the Lord, we take his words as our own to encourage and challenge us: “Indeed you love truth in the heart; then in the secret of my heart teach me wisdom.”
[Natuto na kami. Promise, ‘di na mauulit.]
For the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines,
['Tapos na ang termino ko! Isang malaking good luck sa kapalit ko!]
+NEREO P. ODCHIMAR, D.D.
Bishop of Tandag
President, Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines
July 11, 2011
Margie vs. Manoling
The word war between PCSO chair Margie Juico and former PCSO chair Manoling Morato is getting personal – and ugly. Morato accused Juico of “charging even her sanitary napkins to PCSO.” In all fairness to Manoling, he uses his own money to buy one.
Caught
A saltwater crocodile suspected of killing and devouring a fisherman had been caught in Brgy. Rio Tuba, Bataraza, Palawan. But the croc insists a case cannot be filed against him citing parliamentary immunity.
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“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
~Kimberly Johnson
Quote of the Weak
“Margie Juico has been charging her grocery bills and even sanitary napkins to PCSO.”
~Former PCSO Chair/Director Manoling Morato
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jerico ray
7/12/2011 12:15:00 AM
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Atty., palubusannak kadi ta makibasaak lattan...
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Leo Beligan
7/12/2011 7:10:00 AM
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Jerico ray, nabayagen daydi kabsat. nagsarak kami itay nabiit ken ni Pitong, Ms. M., Maricar, ken Linda. masapul sa ti reunion dita Maui, inton makabiahe ti adayo ni Pitong.
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Leo Beligan
7/18/2011 7:07:00 AM
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FORMER ALLY ZALDY AMPATUAN has come out and accused her of election fraud and graft. Ex-Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has also named her as the brains behind the 2007 poll fraud in the province. And her name has been dragged into the PCSO fund controversy. Despite the allegations, erstwhile president and incumbent Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has opted to remain silent.
Until now.
GMA has granted The Professional Heckler another exclusive interview. Here is the transcript of the unedited conversation.
The Professional Heckler: Welcome back and a great evening Mrs. President!
GMA: Not really! I just saw Zaldy and Bedol in the news.
Heckler: Later na ho natin pag-usapan ‘yan. How do I address you nga pala? Mrs. President? Madam Congresswoman? Ma’am Gloria?
GMA: It doesn’t matter ‘no. Hindi naman ako mashelan. Huwag mo lang akong tatawaging Tita dahil hindi kita pamangkin!
Heckler: Do you have an opening statement ma’am before I started asking questions?
GMA: Bakit? Senate hearing ba ‘to?! Akala ko interview lang?
Heckler: Oh, I’m so sorry ma’am. Sige po, any opening message na lang?
GMA: Ok, ok. Let me take this opportunity ‘noh to congratulate the Ateneo Blue Eagles. Ang hushay hushay n’yo, ‘no! Talon talaga ako nang talon kanina habang nanonood. Nasira ko nga yata ‘yong sofa eh! I am sho proud of my alma mater. I hope the feeling ish mutual ‘noh. At shobrang galing ni L.A. Revilla ‘noh! That rookie wash phenomenal in Game 2.
Heckler: Ma’am, taga-La Salle po si L.A. at hindi siya rookie.
GMA: Oh, na-confuse ako sa shobrang saya. I am shorry! One Big Fight, ‘noh?! Hihihi
Heckler: Diretso na tayo sa mga alegasyong ibinabato sa inyo ma’am.
GMA: Pakibilisan mo lang dahil may check up pa ako sa St. Luke’s ‘noh. Sumasakit na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! At hindi ko puwedeng paghintayin si Dr. Juliet Cervantes. Mahal ang per hour no’n ‘noh.
Heckler: Sige po. Unang isyu: Ayon kay suspended ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan, sangkot daw po kayo sa dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Kung wala kang itatanong na bago, this interview is over! Shumashakit lang ang leeg ko sha ‘yo ‘noh!
Heckler: Eh ma’am, ngayon lang ho kasi nagsalita si Zaldy Ampatuan against you ‘di ba?
GMA: Noong 2004, ako. Noong 2007 ako. Baka bukash-makalawa, pati ‘yong Maguindanao Massacre sa ‘kin rin ibintang. Sa totoo lang ‘noh, nalulungkot ako sa mga nangyayaring ito. Zaldy and I have come a long way. Close ako sha pamilyang ‘yan and Maguindanao was like my second home in Mindanao next only to Iligan. Mashakit sa akin ang mapagbintangan ng ishang bagay na wala akong kaalam-alam. I categorically deny that ‘noh.
Heckler: Ano pong mensahe n’yo kay Zaldy Ampatuan?
GMA: Zaldy, friendship, wala namang ganyanan ‘noh. Alam mo ang totoo. Huwag mo akong idawit d’yan! Let’s just all move on… ‘noh? Huwag kang mag-alala, shuportado ko ang plano mong pagpapalit ng pangalan. I will text you some suggestions after my check up, ‘no?
Heckler: Lintang Bedol, ma’am. Ayon sa kanya, kayo raw ang arkitekto ng dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Paano ako magiging arkitekto? Arroyo ang apelyido ko, hindi Palafox ‘noh! Jussh kidding. Hihihi Hindi ko kilala ‘yang si Lintang Bedol na ‘yan at wala akong pakialam ke linta man ‘yan, kuto o pulgash. Walang katotohanan ang shinashabi n’yan ‘noh.
Heckler: Sa inyong palagay ma’am, bakit po siya lumantad?
GMA: Ngayon ko lang shashabihin ‘to ‘noh. At sa ‘yo lang. Malakash ang kutob kong may kinalaman si Ping sa paglabash ni Bedol.
Heckler: Shi Shenator Lacshon ho?
GMA: Umayosh ka! Huwag mong gayahin ang S-defect ko. Oo! Si Shenator Lacshon. Ano bang shabi ni Bedol sa interviewsh sa kanya? “Kaibigan ko si Lacshon.” ‘Yon ang sabi niya. Shinong reporter ang naglabash ng ishtorya? ‘Di ba shi Anthony Taberna? Shino si Anthony Taberna? Inaanak sha kashal ni Shenator Lacshon. You do the math ‘noh.
Heckler: Hindi naman siguro gano’n ma’am.
GMA: Marunong ka pa sa akin! Shino bang interviewee dito? Ikaw o ako? Gushto mo palit na lang tayo ng puweshto? How’s your sex life iho?
Heckler: Sorry naman ma’am. Mensahe na lang ho n’yo kay Lintang Bedol…
GMA: Wala… ‘noh! Pero may mensahe ako kay Migs Zubiri. Migs, anak… alam mong ginawa namin ang lahat para sa ‘yo! Huwag kang bibitaw. Two more years. Kaya mo ‘yan noh?
Heckler: Rosario Uriarte ma’am. Gaano kayo kalapit sa kanya?
GMA: Oh, si Roshario! Matagal ko nang kaibigan ‘yang si Roshario, DTI days pa namin ‘noh. Pero ewan ko ba sha babaeng ‘yan! Until now, wala pa ring effort mag-ayosh ng sharili. Ni-refer ko na ‘yan sha aking stylist noon, pero look at her today! Deshpicable!
Heckler: Pirmado n’yo po ang mga PCSO memoranda kung saan makikitang nag-request ng millions and millions of funds si Mrs. Uriarte.
GMA: Sandali lang. Hindi pa ako taposh sa hairstyle ni Roshario. My goodnessh, she is attending a Shenate hearing ‘noh… not a lotto draw! Pero tingnan mo ang kanyang buhok! Ghastly, atrocious, contemptible…. ‘noh!? Ano ngang question mo?
Heckler: From 2008 to 2010, you approved some 325 million pesos in confidential intelligence funds. Para saan po ‘yon?
GMA: As the name suggests, it’s confidential. Next question!
Heckler: Ang sabi ni Senator TG Guingona, plunder ang nangyari. Pandarambong sa pera ng PCSO!
GMA: Hindi na ako nashoshorpresa! Kung gaano kalaki ang mga tainga ng TG na ‘yan, gano’n din kalaki ang galit nilang mag-ama sha akin. Ayaw ko na siyang patulan.
GMA: Shandali lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang aking brace dahil kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! Last three questions na lang puwede?
Heckler: Nang matanggap n’yo ho ang sulat ni Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos asking for a brand new car, anong naramdaman n’yo?
GMA: Honeshtly?
Heckler: Kung kaya n’yo, sige.
GMA: Gusto mo umalis na ‘ko?
Heckler: Sorry ulit ma’am. Sige po, honestly…
GMA: At first, nagulat ako. May pagka-demanding ang tono ni Bishop Pueblosh. Pero dahil ayaw ko nang madagdagan ang kaaway kong obispo, pinalampas ko na lang ang pagiging choosy niya. Shabi nga nila, if you can’t beat them, bribe them… ‘noh?
Heckler: Sa hearing po last week, tinanong ni Sen. Jinggoy Estrada si Bishop Pueblos kung tatanggap ba siya ng pera mula sa devil basta’t makakatulong ito sa mahihirap. Ang sagot po ni Bishop Pueblos, oo daw. Ang tanong ko po sa inyo: Kung kayo po ay magiging devil… why not?
GMA: “Hello? Dr. Cervantes? Yes… yes. I’m on my way. See you.”
Heckler: Teka lang naman ma’am. Hindi pa ho ko ‘tapos. I will rephrase the question na lang: Kung susulat ho ulit sa inyo si Bishop Pueblosh upang humingi ng brand new car, bibigyan n’yo ba?
GMA: I don’t think it’s necessary. As my father, the late Ka Dadong told me, “Do what ish right, do what ish best, and Romy Macalintal & Lito Atienza will do the rest.”
Heckler: Malapit na po ang State of the Nation Address ni Pangulong Aquino. Dadalo ho ba kayo?
GMA: What for? Alam ko na naman ang sasabihin n’ya… ‘no? “Dahil kay Gloria lumobo ang utang ng PCSO. Dahil kay Gloria, nagkaroon ng fish kill. Dahil kay Gloria, nanapak si Sara Duterte. Dahil kay Gloria, na-rape daw si Amanda Coling. Dahil kay Gloria, nabuntis si Andi Eigenmann. Dahil kay Gloria, walang girlfriend ang inyong pangulo.” Lahat na lang dahil sa ‘kin!
Heckler: Eh baka naman po talagang dahil sa inyo?
GMA: Dahil d’yan… tapos na tayo!
Heckler: Hahaha Nagbibiro lang ma’am. We’re almost done! Punta na tayo sa paborito kong segment, ang Rapid Round. Sabihin n’yo sa akin kung ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip n’yo kapag nababanggit ang mga sumusunod na pangalan. Ready na ho kayo?
GMA: Teka lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang brace ko. Ooops, the nerve. It must be the nerve. Kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. Wait! There! Ok na! Game!
Heckler: Ok! Let’s begin! Bishop Pueblos…
GMA: Caring.
Heckler: Sara Duterte…
GMA: Daring.
Heckler: Leila De Lima…
GMA: Dating! Ang shaya-shaya ‘noh? May boyfriend pala siya.
Heckler: Mar Roxas…
GMA: Balay.
Heckler: Rosario Uriarte…
GMA: Suklay.
Heckler: Pangulong Aquino…
GMA: Walang malay!
Heckler: Bakit naman walang malay ma’am?
GMA: I don’t have to elaborate. Wala naman sa rules ng game ‘noh?!
Heckler: Fine! Next… Jose Ping De Jesus…
GMA: He quit.
Heckler: Charice Pempengco…
GMA: A hit.
Heckler: Zaldy Ampatuan…
GMA: Ayyy, shit!
Heckler: Palace social secretary Susan Reyes…
GMA: Kabit?!? Ay tsismis nga lang pala ‘yong sha kanila ni Mar. Shorry Ate Koring. I wash jusht kidding. Ang saya-saya ‘noh?
Heckler: FYI lang Mrs. President, noong nasa Europe ho kayo, nag-deny na si Ate Koring. Going strong pa rin daw ang pagsasama nila.
GMA: Hay naku! Ganyang-ganyan din ang statement ko noon. You know naman kung anong nangyari ‘di ba? Anyway, next!
Heckler: Noli De Castro…
GMA: Announcer.
Heckler: Rodrigo Duterte…
GMA: Silencer!
Heckler: Panfilo Lacson?
GMA: Dacer? Ang suwerte-suwerte n’ya, ‘noh?
Heckler: Finally, Dinky Soliman…
GMA: Traydor!
Heckler: Erap…
GMA: Emperador!
Heckler: Lilia Pineda…
GMA: Kubrador. Ooops, shorry ulit… paki-erase na lang ng part na ito, please? Mahal ko ang kumare kong ‘yan ‘noh?
Heckler: Mrs. President, I have a hypothetical question. Sana po ay sagutin n’yo. Kung sakali pong makulong kayo habambuhay dahil sa katiwalian at kurapsyon, ‘buti nga sa ‘yo!
GMA: Teka, teka, medyo nalito ako. Your question is…
Heckler: ‘Di bale na lang po, baka ma-late kayo sa inyong appointment. Huling tanong na lang po: Ano pong grado ang ibibigay n’yo sa performance ng ating Pangulo after a year in office?
GMA: Alam naman ng lahat na naging estudyante ko ‘yan sa Ateneo ‘noh. Well, some things never change. Pasang-awa pa rin. If it’s any consolation, consistent siya sa kanyang sub-par performance.
Heckler: Any advice po sa ating Pangulo?
GMA: I only have three words for him: “Tigilan mo na ako!”
Heckler: Ma’am, four words po ‘yan.
GMA: The nerve! It must be the nerve. Sorry, I have to go. Thank you.
Heckler: Thank you rin ma’am.
-END OF INTERVIEW-
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jerico ray
7/19/2011 12:02:00 AM
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Wen man, Atty, bareng malasatanton dagiti agdama a pakakumikumanmi ditoy, nasayaat unay no addanto Iluko.com Gathering ditoy Maui. Namaymayat manen no makatabuno ni gayyem Webby, ken kasta pay a maipangruna dagiti saan pay a nakalangenlangen iti personal a miembro ti iluko.com.
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Leo Beligan
7/21/2011 10:56:00 PM
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OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…
Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart
Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton
Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol
Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria
Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official
Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby
Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy
Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia
Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi
Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci
Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler
Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador
Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel
Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela
Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy
Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega
Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo
Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler
Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos
Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
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“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner
You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%
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Leo Beligan
8/1/2011 9:02:00 PM
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FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s surgery was successful. It was so successful,the First Gentleman was reminded of the 2005 Batasan break-in.
Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s cervical spine surgery was successful. St. Luke’s Medical Center was quick to deny though that former PNP director general and now Zambales Governor Hermogenes Ebdane was involved in the operation.
The surgery that lasted four grueling hours reportedly involved placing implants in Mrs. Arroyo’s cervical spine. Asked to describe that particular ordeal, Mrs. Arroyo said, “It was a breast-taking experience.”
Hello, Garci!
Zaldy Ampatuan has spoken. Lintang Bedol has surfaced. Senior Supt. Rafael Santiago has spilled the beans. It could have been the year’s biggest blockbuster. Unfortunately, the fourth avenger, Virgilio Garcillano backed out of the project. Sayang!
In a press conference at his residence in Baungon, Bukidnon province Saturday, Virgilio Garcillano insisted that the “Hello Garci” recording was spliced… prompting former palace spokesman Ignacio Bunye to deny that he coached the former election official.
Virgilio Garcillano denied that he was in hiding. He was just running away from Anthony Taberna.
DUE TO INSISTENT public demand, I am reprinting excerpts from the purported bugged conversation allegedly between then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and then, Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano.
(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:43)
Female: Hello, Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?
Female: Shabi ko, hello Garshi! Hindi mo ba ako narinig!?
Garshi: Pizza Hut po ito ma’am.
Female: Ay shorry.
(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:46)
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Pastilan! Ano bang kailangan mo? Pera na naman?!?@!$
Female: Gushto mong mawalan ng trabaho? Baka nakakalimutan mong ako ang nag-appoint sha ‘yo sha Comelec!?
Garshi: Ay sorry ma’am, akala ko asawa ko. Bale, mas mataas ho ngayon si FPJ. Pero pagdating ng Lanao, maco-compensate naman ho.
Female: So, I will shtill lead by one million?
Garshi: Parang ganun na nga ma’am ang lalabas.
Female: It cannot be less than 1 million, you know that.
Garshi: Pipilitin natin ma’am. As of the other day 982 thousand.
Female: Kaya nga. If we can get more from Lanao…
Garshi: May darating pa raw pong seven municipalities.
Female: Ok… ok Magpapamashahe lang ako kasi sumashakit ang leeg ko then tawagan na lang kita ulit.
(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:43)
Female: Hello, Ben.
Ben: Hello, ma’am.
Female: Ano nang lagay natin? Mananalo ba?
Ben: Panalong-panalo ma’am! Pero kailangan nating pumunta ng Hainan para pirmahan ang contract with ZTE. Isang round of golf lang, aprubado na ‘to.
Female: Anong pinagshashabi mo d’yan! 2004 pa lang ngayon. Sa 2007 pa mangyayari ‘yan.
Ben: Ay sorry ma’am. Na-excite lang ako. Tatanong ko ho muna kay Bedol.
Female: Huwag mashyadong atat sa tongpats ok? Shige, will call you back.
(Conversation between a male and a female, June 10, 2004, 13:40)
Female: Hello, Garshi?
Male: Wala! Tulog! Umalis!
Female: Shino ‘to?
Male: Ikaw ang tumawag ‘tapos tatanungin mo kung sino ‘to? Helleeer?!!!
Female: I am shorry. Shiguro naman sha dami ng letter esh sa sentensh na ito, shuper giveaway na kung shino ako.
Male: Mrs. President??? Sus, ginoo! Pasensya na po! Hindi ko kayo nabosesan agad. Daaaaaaaddy, si Ma’am nasa telepono.
Garshi: Hello, ma’am? Sorry po, naglaro ng Snake ang asawa ko sa aking cellphone.
Female: Nag-usap na ba kayo ni Abalosh?
Garshi: Oo ma’am. Mamasyal daw muna ako sa Mindanao.
Female: May problema daw kasi sa South Upi. Iba raw ang pinroclaim.
Garshi: Hindi ho ako ang may hawak doon.
Female: Puntahan mo na. Kashi ang balita ko shi Fernando Poe gumagapang na naman doon.
Garshi: Napiktyuran ho ba habang gumagapang?
Female: Tanga! ‘Yong boto ang ibig kong sabihin. Masyado kang literal!
Garshi: Sige ma’am.
Female: Garshi…
Garshi: Ma’am?
Female: What are you wearing?
Garshi: Malaswaaa!
Female: Jussssh kidding! Tatawag ulit ako. Pumunta ka na sa Mindanao.
(Conversation between two females, June 14, 2004, 15:56)
Female 1: Hello Garshi?
Female 2: Sino Garci iyo tawag? Hindi ako Garci. Ikaw mali dial!
Female 1: Shorry, ahm, shino ‘to?
Female 2: Si Vicki ‘toh!
(Female 1 ibinato ang Nokia 7650. ‘Buti na lang sa sofa bumagsak)
(Conversation between a male and a female, June 16, 2004, 14:49)
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?
Female: ‘Yong kabila raw, they’re trying to get the Namfrel copies of the municipal COCs.
Garshi: Wala ‘yon ma’am. Ok naman ang Namfrel sa atin. They’re now sympathetic to us.
Female: Pero does Namfrel match our tally?
Garshi: Oho.
Female: Sure ka? Paano ‘yong dagdag? ‘Yong dagdag?
Garshi: Ahm, we will get an advance copy para ma-remedyo.
Female: Ok, oo. Sige. Kumain ka na ba? Nagpahinga ka na?
Garshi: Sige ho ma’am, baka kung saan na naman mapunta ‘yan.
Female: Ok, ok. Shige.
And finally…
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?
Female: Balita ko lalabash ka raw. Puwede ba nating pag-ushapan ‘yan?
Garshi: Nagbago na ho ang isip ko ma’am. Don’t worry.
Female: Ahhh, gano’n ba? Shige, pag successhful ang surgery ko bukas, may bonus ka sa akin.
Garshi: Sige ma’am. Get well soon po.
Female: Ok, ok.
(Conversation between a male and female recorded just last Thursday, July 28, 2011, 14:49)
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Leo Beligan
8/3/2011 7:01:00 PM
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SENATOR JUAN MIGUEL ZUBIRI has resigned. Or as the Senate Electoral Tribunal would call it, “saving face.”
Sen. Migs Zubiri has decided to quit his post amid allegations of fraud in the 2007 elections. Again, election fraud. Not sex scandal. Take that America!
Senator Zubiri has resigned. Lintang Bedol,1 ; Zaldy Ampatuan,1 ; Mike Arroyo, 0.
In a privilege speech Wednesday, Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri enumerated his accomplishments as a legislator. The public got confused. Was he resigning his post or campaigning for 2013?
A week after President Aquino’s SONA, Senator Zubiri delivered the SOMA: State of Migs Address.
After Zubiri’s privilege speech, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “never had I thought that I would witness today a show of moral courage.” So did we.
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile added it was the first time a senator has resigned under such circumstances. Actually, you had the chance Manong Johnny in 1995. Hindi mo lang ginawa.
Senator Zubiri ended his speech by paraphrasing a quote from General Douglas Macarthur: “I am not actually retreating; I am merely advancing in another direction.” Like where? Bukidnon capitol?
Before Senator Zubiri ended his privilege speech, he thanked every member of the Senate – from both the majority and the minority blocs. And then he realized two things: one, he didn’t really have any enemy, and two, Lito Lapid was still a senator. (Akalain mo ‘yon!)
After Zubiri’s privilege speech, “Koko Pimentel” and “Enrile” became top trending topics worldwide. Surprisingly, “Migs Zubiri” did not trend despite Mike Arroyo’s instruction to Twitter “na zero tweets ang dapat makuha nina Koko at Enrile.”
In a privilege speech Wednesday, Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri announced his resignation from his post. It was an emotional speech that began with the line, “First, I was afraid I was petrified…”
Audrey Tan Zubiri, wife of Senator Migs was quoted to have said, “I’m very proud of my husband. Pinatunayan niyang isa siyang tunay na lalaki at kayang gawin ang tama, kahit gaano kahirap.” She wasn’t talking about his decision to marry her, was she?
Sen. Migs Zubiri has resigned. Rumors say he will focus on his hosting career. His show “The Explorer” will be revived. But it will now be called, “The Ex-Senator.”
The Speech
What Sen. Miguel Zubiri told us
(And what he really wanted to say)
“My rival took advantage of this political situation.”
(Masyado kang atat maupo Koko Pimentel!)
“Sa harap ng Diyos at sa harap ng tao ay nais kong pagtibayin na hindi ako nandaya. At wala akong kinausap upang mandaya para sa akin sa halalan.”
(Kasalanan mong lahat ito Mike Arroyo! Punyeta ka!)
“Ang lahat ng akusasyon laban sa akin ay pawang walang katotohanan.”
(Next time, kung ‘di ako humihingi ng pabor sa inyo Ginoong Arroyo at Ginoon Ebdane, ‘wag kayong mag-vo-volunteer! Mga hinayupak kayo!)
“In my family’s almost 30 years of public service in Bukidnon, not once has our name been dragged in any election controversy.”
(‘Pag may dynasty, walang kalaban, walang dayaan!)
“Isang paglilingkod na aking maipagmamalaki na walang bahid dungis.”
(Kitang-kita naman ang pruweba ‘di ba? Flawless!)
“Hindi ako umabuso o nagpayaman sa aking katungkulan.”
(Ipinanganak akong rich. Fault ko?)
“Hindi ako nagkaroon ng maraming bodyguard o “back up” o gumamit ng anumang ‘wang wang’ kahit noong ako ay Kongresista pa lamang.”
(Wala lang. Nakiki-uso. ‘Yan ang in eh. Bakit ba?!)
“Hindi po ako napagod sa paglilingkod sa inyo.”
(Pero napagod ako sa kakasulat ng rejoinder sa columns ni John Nery ng Inquirer.)
“… without admitting any fault and with my vehement denial of the alleged electoral fraud hurled against me…”
(Malinis ang kunsensya ko.)
“I am submitting my resignation as a duly elected Senator of the Republic of the Philippines…”
(Masaya na kayo?)
“After all, I am a husband first before a Senator.”
(Ba’t ba ‘di n’yo matanggap na may asawa ako!?)
“And as I now pronounce my joining the civil society, it is my humble prayer that this Institution allows me to resign with honor and dignity.”
(After four years, delicadeza! Sa’n ka pa?)
Quote of the Weak
“I am submitting my RESIGNATION as a duly elected Senator of the Republic of the Philippines in the election for which I am FALSELY accused without mercy and compassion.”
~Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri
Helicopters
The former First Gentleman is being implicated in yet another anomaly. But his classmates and friends from high school are not worried. In their senior year, Mike Arroyo was voted, “most likely to get away with everything.”
Former First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has denied ownership of two helicopters that were sold to the PNP for $700,000. Let me guess. Iggy Arroyo’s?
Reports say the Senate will invite former First Gentleman Mike Arroyo to the next hearing… prompting the management of St. Luke’s Medical Center to prepare the hospital’s executive suite.
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“Nobody stands taller than those willing to stand corrected.”
~William Safire
Who is Christopher Lao?
As i write this, he is one of the top trending topics on Twitter worldwide!
Meet Christopher Lao, summa cum Laude, UP, BA Philosophy, GWA 1.169. USC Vice Chair 2005-2006
Classic ka! Classic! Tinalo mo pa ang Nescafé!
Share this on Facebook and Twitter:
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Enjoy the rest of the week. Have fun. Ingat!
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Leo Beligan
9/11/2011 7:20:00 AM
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09 Sep 2011 08:22 PM PDT
MAGANDANG ARAW! Matagal-tagal na rin nating hindi naririnig ang mga saloobin, babala, pangitain, at hula ng mga bituin. Ngunit sa araw na ito, mapalad tayo dahil sila ay nagbabalik mula sa matagal na pagkakahimbing! Salamat sa maaliwalas na panahon. Kaya tara na, halina’t basahin ang nakaumang na kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan.
Paunawa: Ang mga ito ay batay lamang sa galaw ng mga tala. Kung ayaw maniwala, kontrahin. Sapagkat katulad ng walang sawa at paulit-ulit na paalala ni Aling Zenaida Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Ulitin mo. This time, basahin mo nang malakas: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Wow. Inulit nga.
Let’s begin.
Pangulong Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Dahil sa mga jokes mo, madadagdagan pa ang mga babaeng malili-link sa ‘yo. Pero hanggang do’n na lang ‘yon. Mananatiling punchline ang iyong lovelife.
Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Payuhan ang mga kaalyado mong ‘text brigade’ na limitahan ang pag-ti-text ng iyong accomplishments. Matagal pa ang eleksyon. Huwag atat.
Cong. Manny Pacquiao
Birth: December 17, 1978
Sign: Sagittarius
Katulad ng iyong pinapangarap, mananalo kang bise presidente sa 2016. Hindi mo na kailangang mangampanya. Halos tiyak na ang panalo mo bilang VP ng Homeowners Association. Congratulations!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Napapansin ng mga bituin na lumi-level up ang iyong katarayan kapag napag-uusapan ang babaeng ‘Rosebud’ ang pangalan. Kontrolin ang emosyon kung ayaw mong patuloy kang pagdudahan.
Cong. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman
Birth: No available info online
Sign: Malay ko!
Huwag mag-alala sakaling ma-suspend, ma-expel, o matapos man ang iyong termino bilang kongresista. May bright future ka sa boxing.
Iwasang magtungo sa Agusan Del Sur. Alam mo na! Mainit ang dugo nila sa mga bu…
Lucky Number: “Pucha! Ocho!”
Atty. Jose Miguel “Mike” Arroyo
Birth: June 27, 1946
Sign: Gemini
Dahil sa ‘di inaasahang salpukan ng mga bituin, may magaganap na aksidente. Mababagsakan ka ng second hand na chopper anytime next week. Isa lang ang posibleng makapigil sa malagim na pangyayaring ito! Umamin ka sa iyong mga pagkakasala sa masang Pilipino!
Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Katabi ka ni Atty. Mike Arroyo kapag bumagsak ang second hand na chopper. Try mo na lang umilag. Good luck!
Former ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan
Birth: August 22, 1967
Sign: Leo
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-apply sa Witness Protection Program ng pamahalaan. Mapapahiya ka lamang. But all is not lost. Subukan mong mag-apply sa susunod na lifetime. Baka may chance.
Pasig RTC Judge Rolando Mislang
Birth: Ewan.
Sign: Hindi siya sikat.
Magandang kapalaran ang naghihintay sa ‘yo. Tatanggap ka ng malaking halaga kapalit ng kontrobersyal na desisyon pabor sa isang negosyanteng sinasabing nanloko sa Pag-IBIG Fund. Uy, balato naman jan! O kaya, burger! Burger! Burger!
Petron, Shell, Chevron, atbp.
Birth: It doesn’t matter.
Sign: Really bad.
Magpapatuloy ang inyong suwerte. Tiba-tiba pa rin kayo. Magsimba at magpasalamat dahil kahit sino yatang maupo sa Department of Energy, forever n’yo nang kakampi! Syet.
De La Salle Green Archers
Birth: 1986
Sign: Not good.
Congratulations! Pasok na pasok kayo sa “Final 4” – literal na “Final 4” ng UAAP Season 74. Ka-level n’yo na ang NU, UP at UE. Kung hindi magbabago ang alignment ng mga planeta, posibleng mapalitan ang inyong coach. Ipinapayong magbakasyon muna kayo habang nagdiriwang ang buong Ateneo. Ouch.
KC Concepcion
Birth: April 7, 1985
Sign: Aries
May hangganan ang pang-unawa. Walang mawawala kung itatanong mo sa iyong sarili: “Bakit ko ba pinasok ‘to?” Kapag nasagot mo ang tanong na ‘yan, makikita mo ang liwanag.
Palihim na Hula ng mga Bituin
No. 1: Isang popular na pulitiko ang masasangkot sa panibagong iskandalo. ‘Magbubunga’ ang kanyang pakikipaglaro ng apoy sa isang estudyante. May nakikitang “dilaw” at “berde” ang mga bituin sa babaeng sangkot sa usapin. Hanggang d’yan na lang muna ang mga clues. Careful ang mga bituin. Ayaw nilang ma-libel.
No. 2: Isang kakapanganak pa lamang na kabit ang posibleng sugurin ng asawa ng isang kilalang pulitiko. Ikinuwento kasi ng kabit na ito sa isang member ng media na ipinagpatayo siya ng bahay ng kanyang politician-lover sa subdibisyon kung saan nakatira ang orihinal na pamilya ni lalaki. Ang lakas lang ng loob niyang magkuwento. Sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez, “The nerd!”
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“The signs of the zodiac are karmic patterns; the planets are the looms; the will is the weaver.”
~Author Unknown
In Brazil…
A teenager reportedly died after masturbating 48 times non-stop. Well, he had it cumming.
Elsewhere
Move.PH: PNoy’s Top Love Life Quips
Miss Philippines Shamcey Supsup gets nod of top pageant website
You Have Spoken
Matapos marinig ang dalawang panig, sino ang iyong pinapaniwalaan?
-Security guard Ricardo Bonayog 89.92%
-Lanao Del Sur Rep. Hussein Pangandaman 1.16%
-Korte na lang sana ang mag-decide 8.91%
Have a safe and happy weekend!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
10/4/2011 8:08:00 PM
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OF MANIPULATION & MASTURBATION
Posted: 04 Oct 2011 07:05 AM PDT
BREAKING NEWS: Amid criticisms, President Aquino is finally visiting typhoon-ravaged communities in Central Luzon a week after the onslaught of Typhoon Pedring. Now that’s what I call ‘climate change.’
Suspended
The Department of Public Works and Highways has suspended the “overeager” employee who posted on Facebook a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials while inspecting the damaged Manila Bay seawall. While serving his/her suspension, the unidentified employee is required to take advanced Photoshop tutorials.
The DPWH has sanctioned its employee who posted a manipulated image of three senior officials on Facebook. To get even, the embarrassed officials requested that the erring employee be placed on ‘floating’ status.
Malacañang is thanking Filipino netizens for their vigilance. They just foiled what could have been the first “ghost project” under the Aquino administration. Good work!
The “overeager” DPWH employee who posted a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials on Facebook had been suspended. Worse, his Facebook friends have “Unliked” his personal photos they previously “Liked.”
Masturbation
A Filipino lawmaker is condemning masturbation saying it’s “the same thing as using a condom” and it interferes with the “natural process” of procreation. The lawmaker was identified as Pope Juan Ponce Enrile.
Senator Enrile says self-pleasure is the same thing as using a condom, a form of contraceptive that was first used in the Middle Ages some 12 thousand to 15 thousand years ago… when Enrile was still a toddler.
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is condemning self-pleasure. But that’s not surprising. When Manong Johnny was a teenage boy, the concept of masturbation had yet to be invented.
Apparently, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is against masturbation because it aborts life. Well, had he opposed the staging of a fake ambush in 1972, he would have saved many lives then.
Nothing much has changed. The Enrile of the Martial Law years and the Enrile of today is still trampling basic human rights.
During the recent Senate plenary debate on the Reproductive Health Bill, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stated that pleasuring oneself “is the same thing as using a condom.” Enrile’s pronouncement has prompted the Sangguniang Barangay of. Ayala Alabang Village to require its residents to get a doctor’s permit before they are allowed to masturbate.
This just in: Because of Senator Enrile’s views on self-gratification, Quezon City Councilor Winnie Castillo is reportedly filing an Anti-Masturbation Act of 2011.
Regardless of his controversial pronouncement, I still believe that Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is opposed to masturbation in the same way Mike Arroyo is opposed to corruption.
Question: What do you call a dramatic movie in which the lead actor, an 87-year-old politician was forced to masturbate against his will?
Answer: A tearjerker
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“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
~George Carlin
Quote of the Week
“This is big damage for me. We became the center of attention. Our picture was played with. We even found ourselves in the Last Supper.”
~ DPWH Undersecretary Romeo Momo, one of the three senior officials in the controversial ‘photoshopped’ image
Supermania
A Superman fanatic named Herbert Chavez repeatedly went under the knife to look like the famous superhero. Unfortunately, the transformation would never be complete. While he sort of looked like the ‘man of steel,’ he spoke like Lois Lane.
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Leo Beligan
10/11/2011 7:11:00 PM
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A SPEEDING TAXI loses control and hits a lamppost in Quezon City. The driver who sustained just minor bruises is immediately charged with damage to property. Of course, he would not have been sued if he were a security aide of a political adviser.
Authorities tried to contact the operator of the taxi but they were informed that he was in Geneva when the accident happened.
Llamas Explains
Ronald Llamas is back from Switzerland. If you’re not familiar with the guy, he’s a former leader of Akbayan, and is currently the presidential adviser on firearms concerns.
Presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas admits that he owns at least five firearms including the Soviet-designed assault rifle AK-47 and an M-16. Take that Virgie Torres!
Defending his ownership of an AK-47 assault rifle, presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas says there are “credible threats to my personal safety.” He just sacked two of his security aides… making those threats more credible.
Ronald Llamas owns at least five firearms. He sure knows how to fire guns. And employees.
The dismissed security aides of presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas – Joey Tecson and John Alarcon who slammed the official’s car to a slow moving truck – are not off the hook yet. They could be held liable for illegal possession of stupidity.
Breaking News! This report is brought to you by Havaianas flip-flops.
After ruling three times “with finality” that PAL’s retrenchment of flight attendants and stewards 13 years ago was illegal, the Supreme Court en banc, in an unprecedented move recalled its own decision. The full court is expected to issue a ruling on the second motion for reconsideration filed by PAL. Of course, expect that ruling to be recalled 13 years from now.
The Supreme Court had ruled “three times” that the retrenchment of 1,400 PAL flight attendants in 1998 was illegal. But in a two-page resolution dated October 4, the High Tribunal recalled its ruling. Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez cited ‘misapplication of rules.’ In layman’s term, ‘katangahan.’
Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez says, “This is the first time I’ve encountered something like this.” Kami rin.
Explaining the Supreme Court’s decision to withdraw a ruling that favored the association of PAL flight attendants, Supreme Court spokesman Atty. Midas Marquez cited “misapplication of rules.” In totally unrelated news, the Department of Budget is studying if there had been a “misallocation of budget” for the Supreme Court.
Modernong Talasalitaan
“With finality”
- Kapag ikaw ay ordinaryong Pilipino, kinasuhan at natalo, tapos ang maliligayang araw mo. Sure na. Final na kahit umapela ka pa. Good luck sa ‘yo!
- Kapag ikaw ay powerful at influential businessman, kinasuhan at natalo, no problemo! Kahit paulit-ulit nang nagpasya ang korte laban sa ‘yo, mababaligtad mo!
To use in a sentence:
“The Supreme Court hereby rules with finality in favor of the Flight Attendants and Stewards Association of the Philippines. Not! LOL.”
Napocor vs. Bulacan
Bulacan Governor Willy Alvarado says there is evidence that Napocor’s decision to release water from the Angat dam caused the massive flooding in the province. The local government of Bulacan is now suing Napocor. If the case wouldn’t prosper, Alvarado is keen on taking “Pedring” to court.
Ouch!
After killing his wife, a 39-year-old Capiz native cut off his penis. Police described the first one as strangulation; the second, decapitation.
Unlike!
A man in Pecos, Texas allegedly hit his wife when she failed to “Like” his Facebook status. The wife retaliated by filing a case against him, and clicking the “Unfriend” button.
Goodwill Ambassador
According to presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas, the United Nations High Commission for Refugees is inviting presidential sister Kris Aquino to be its goodwill ambassador (for Asia) just like the late Princess Diana who, like Kris, was also popular, had two sons, and was married to a cheating husband.
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“We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.”
~ Anonymous
Quote of the Week
“Usually naman nakikita natin ‘yung mga ambushes, ang dala-dala ng mga nang-a-ambush ay mga long firearms. So just to be sure. Nagkataon lang na nagkaroon ng aksidente, nakunan ng litrato, pero hangga’t maaari naman hindi naman nilalabas ‘yan e. Nakatago lang ‘yan.”
~Presidential political adviser Ronald Llamas
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Leo Beligan
11/3/2011 8:04:00 PM
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Posted: 02 Nov 2011 07:34 PM PDT
THE ALL SAINTS DAY break is over. The Christmas Season is officially here. In fact, the Alex Boncayao Brigade is getting their cash gift soon!
But first, this: there’s absolutely no truth to rumors that former senator Ramon Revilla Sr. is the father of the 7 billionth baby born on October 31.
Seventy-Two
Portia Ilagan, the spokesman of the Revilla family said Ramon Revilla Sr. fathered at least 72 children. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile believes it could have been more had Revilla not “aborted” sperm cells.
Ramon Revilla Sr. has fathered 72 children with 16 different women… officially making Mang Dolphy Quizon a saint.
Former senator Ramon Revilla Sr. was not able to attend Wednesday’s funeral of his murdered son Ram. He was still confined in the hospital although his BP has gone back to normal, 120 over 72 children.
After the funeral, Ram’s mother, “That’s Entertainment” alumna Genelyn Magsaysay told the media she didn’t raise her children to be violent people. And Princess Revilla was like, “Why are you looking at me?”
The Ligots
Former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot and wife, Erlinda have surfaced Wednesday and posted a bail of P160,000 for a string of tax evasion cases. The couple’s lawyer said the Ligots went on a vacation “somewhere in Luzon.” When asked to give more clues, the lawyer said, “Basta! Kung saan ‘di naghanap ang NBI, do’n yun!”
Overseas…
Herman Cain, a former pizza chain CEO and leading Republican presidential candidate is being accused of harassing two women in the mid-1990s. Cain dismissed the issue as a demolition job invented by the camp of Manny Villar.
Success!
Here’s a piece of good news. US surgeons successfully separated Filipino conjoined twins Angelica and Angelina Sabuco. The surgery lasted 9 hours, about half an hour shorter than the marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.
Top 10 Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian-Humphries Marriage
No. 10: The NCAA games in the Philippines
No. 9: The Ligot couple’s vacation
No. 8: Nora Aunor’s good behavior after her return to the Philippines (May himala!)
No. 7: The UP Fighting Maroons’ losing streak
No. 6: “Happy Yipee Yehey” (Akalain mo ‘yon!)
No. 5: Christopher Lao’s online popularity
No. 4: The Yuletide Season in the Philippines
No. 3: Manny and Jinkee Pacquiao’s latest cold war
No. 2: The time spent by Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in the hospital after being elected congresswoman
And the No. 1 thing that has lasted longer than Kim and Kris’ marriage…
Noli De Castro’s “TeeeeeeeeeeeeVeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Patrol”
The marriage of reality star Kim Kardashian and NBA player Kris Humphries’ lasted 72 days. And James Yap was like, “Puwede pala ‘yon? Sus, kung alam ko lang… “
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“I don’t know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It’s not gay people who are ‘ruining the sanctity of marriage.’ It’s celebrities.”
~Craig Ferguson
Quote of Week
“Kung maaari lang po, tugisin niyo ang totoong killer. Huwag niyong gamitin ang pamilya ko. Huwag niyo kaming paikut-ikutin dahil alam mo kung sino ka. Kawawa ang mga anak ko. Kung kayo ay may galit sa akin, ako na lang. huwag niyo nang isama ang mga anak ko. Ang mga anak ko ay mahal na mahal ko.”
~Genelyn Magsaysay, Ram Revilla’s mother
Elsewhere
Blogger raises issue of possible plagiarism vs. the Department of Tourism
GMA News: DOT: ‘Plagiarized’ food article was just a test page
Enjoy the rest of the week! Merry Christmas!
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Leo Beligan
11/6/2011 12:59:00 PM
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“How do you solve a problem like Ramona?
How do you catch a kin and pin her down?
How do you find a word that means Ramona?
A flibbertijibbet! A sign-o’-her guilt! A clown!
~Ramona, from “The Sound of Muse Sick”
RAMONA BAUTISTA, Ramona Revilla, Maria Ramona Belen Magsaysay Bautista, Mara Revilla, Maria Ramona Gaddafi or whatever her name was had LEFT the country Friday night. Or maybe she was kidnapped, we don’t know. ‘Wag kayong judgmental!
Ramona Revilla had left the country. Expect her to surface near Star Mall in Las Piñas City soon.
Ramona Bautista, one of the suspects in the murder of her brother Ramgen left for Hong Kong early Friday night. Take that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!
Hours after retracting her statement that she was kidnapped by Ramgen’s assailants, Ramona Bautista left for Hong Kong Friday night. What a way to spend the long weekend!
Ramona Bautista was spotted at the departure area of NAIA terminal 1 Friday night. She was trying to cover her face with a red scarf… not with the Halloween mask she wore the night Ram was killed.
A furious Sen. Bong Revilla said he didn’t know about Ramona’s flight. Among other things.
On Friday night, Genelyn Magsaysay said goodbye to murder suspect Ramona Bautista… as Bong Revilla was saying goodbye to his vice presidential ambition!
Ramona Bautista has left the country. With the help of Google, she’ll be a good cook in 12 months.
Latest reports say Maria Ramona Belen Bautista is a married woman and that her husband is from Turkey. When the murder probe began, she chickened out.
This just in! In high school, Ramona Bautista was allegedly voted “most likely to get away with something gruesome.”
Ramona Bautista: Just when we all thought we’ve seen the worst in Princess Revilla.
Right now, there are two kinds of people in the Philippines: those who believe that Ramona Bautista is guilty as hell, and Genelyn Magsaysay.
Murder suspect Maria Ramona Belen Magsaysay Bautista has left the country. Malacañang is blaming the previous administration of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
In Other News
During yesterday’s YouTube Worldview live interview, President Aquino was asked by a kid if he still believed in Santa Claus. It would have been more interesting if the kid asked the President if he still believed in love.
Sen. Panfilo Lacson says he’s convinced that former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is planning to hide abroad amid her legal woes in the country. “Hey kettle! It’s pot. You’re black!”
Reports say a huge asteroid will pass closer to Earth than the moon on Tuesday. But NASA clarifies there is no chance that the object will collide with the Earth or moon. Seriously, I hope it collides with Ramona Bautista.
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“Murder is always a mistake – one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.”
- Oscar Wilde
Quote of the Week
“Kung talagang umalis siya, this is a sign of guilt. ‘Di namin sha mapapatawad. Kahit kapatid namin sya dapat nyang panagutan ito. Bakit siya tatakbo in the first place kung wala siyang kasalanan? Lalo niyang inipit ang kapatid niya sa ginawa niyang ito. Si Genelyn (Magsaysay) galit sa akin, kung bakit ko raw tinurn over si Joseph sa kapulisan. Tayo’y maninindigan sa tama. The rule of law must prevail.”
~Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. reacting to reports that half-sister Ramona had left the country
Beware of This Cop
You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ka ba sa resulta ng imbestigasyon ng pulisya sa Ram Revilla murder case?
-OO Naman. 77.89%
-HINDI. Duda pa rin. 8.42%
-Pag-aaralan ko pa. 13.68%
Elsewhere
GMA News: Shocking crime stirs interest in Agimat’s prolific life
ABS-CBN News: Ramona Bautista’s last interview before she left the country
Have a great weekend! If you’re in Hong Kong, extend my regards to Ramona! Good luck!
Share this on Facebook and Twitter:
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/9/2011 7:18:00 AM
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GENELYN MAGSAYSAY broke her silence Sunday. She delivered a 12-minute SONA exclusively shown on GMA 7.
According to Genelyn, Bong Revilla is using the Ramgen murder case to boost his chances in the “2013 presidential elections” Since the presidential elections won’t happen until 2016, Malacañang is verifying intelligence reports that Genelyn is planning to lead an “Oust Aquino Movement” soon.
In a videotaped message, Genelyn Magsaysay addressed the public as, “Mga minamahal ko…” No, thanks!
She added, “Ano po ba ang laban ko sa isang malaking pulitiko.” To which Bong Revilla said, “Mas malaki ka!”
And then Genelyn lectured, “Nais ko pong ipaalala sa mga hindi nakakaintindi na may tatlong sangay ng gobyerno. Ito ang lehislatibo, hukuman, at ehekutibo. Lehislatibo, ang sangay ng gobyerno na gumagawa ng batas; hukuman na siyang nagpapatupad ng batas, at ehekutibo ang nagpapatakbo ng gobyerno at mga sangay nito. Ang mga desisyon at pagpapatakbo ng bawat isa sa mga tao ay dapat malaya sa isa’t isa. Sa madaling salita, walang pakialaman.” Move over Father Joaquin Bernas! There’s a new constitutionalist in town!
Earlier, Genelyn Magsaysay said, “Hindi ko pinalaki at tinuruan ang mga anak ko na magpatayan!” Oh! So were you taught to have an affair with a married man?
Confirmed! Ramona Bautista is already in Turkey. That’s fowl!
And there’s another videotape. This time, the copy was exclusively given to ABS-CBN by Ramona Bin Laden.
Before she left for Turkey, Ramona Bautista produced her own video shown exclusively on ABS-CBN. That explains her absence at Ramgen’s funeral last November 2. She was busy rehearsing her lines.
In the video, Ramona tried to narrate what happened on October 28, the night Ramgen was killed. Not so surprisingly, her story had more versions than the Bible.
Ram Revilla’s girlfriend Janelle Manahan who survived the shooting will undergo facial reconstruction. With Interpol hot on her trail, Ramona Bautista wants one too.
Fliptop Battle: Magsaysay vs. Revilla
Bong Revilla:
Ano bang problema mo? Heto nga’t tumutulong na!
Ang hirap kasi sa ‘yo, isa kang kunsintidora!
Putak ka nang putak, daig mo pa ang manok
Hindi naman bagay sa katawan mong bilog!
Genelyn Magsaysay:
Wow! Kung magsalita ka naman, parang perfect ka ah
Anong ‘pinagmamalaki mo, ‘yang malawak mong panga?
Hoy! Kung gusto mong mag-bise, ‘wag mo kaming gamitin!
Ipaliwanag mo na lang kung sino si Josephine!
Bong Revilla:
Anak ng teteng…
Huwag ka ngang mamersonal at ‘wag ka nang mandawit
Baka nalilimutan mo, minsan ka ring naging kabit!
Wala akong paki, kung kuya mong congressman ay rich
May respeto ako sa babae, kahit “menopausal bitch!”
Genelyn Magsaysay:
Pucha ka! Bakit pati kuya ko ay iyong dinamay
Pinaplastic mo lang pala siya noong gabi ng lamay
‘Wag na ‘wag kang magpapakita rito, kapag si RJ nakalabas
Tingnan ko lang kung makaporma ka sa lalaking naka-Halloween mask!
In Other News
Miss Philippines, Gwendolyn Ruais won first runner-up in the Miss World pageant held in London early Monday morning (Manila time). Congratulations Gwen! You’re the man!
Meanwhile, Miss Philippines Diane Necio won Miss Internet Popularity in the Miss International pageant held last night in China. ‘k.
A grandson of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile identified as Achilles Juan Ponce Enrile was robbed by the driver of a taxicab he flagged down in Mandaluyong City. When the robber announced, “Holdup ‘to. Ibigay mo sa akin ang pera mo!” Achilles said, “Oh no you don’t! I’m Enrile’s grandson.” The robber retorted, “Ah ganun!? Ibigay mo sa akin ang pera ng bayan!”
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s grandson was robbed by a taxi driver. Sa awa ng Diyos, haping-hapi ang robber!
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“Crime is a product of social excess.”
~Vladimir Lenin
Quotes of the Week(end)
“Nakakalungkot. Malayo pa po ang eleksyon. Bakit napakaaga ng kampanya?”
~Genelyn Magsaysay
“Pabalikin mo ang anak mo! Hindi ako naniniwalang hindi mo alam ang pag-alis niya!”
~Sen. Bong Revilla
“I pray for our finances. They are pushing us to the limit. I’m trying to cope, my children are the ones holding our allowance. I’m always the one making abono, they cut off our allowance but they are the ones living luxurious living. They have luxurious cars and houses.”
~Genelyn Magsaysay‘s Facebook status (October)
THERE GOES YOUR MOTIVE.
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Leo Beligan
11/17/2011 7:00:00 AM
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UPDATED (As of 7AM, Wednesday) Despite the High Court’s decision allowing her to leave the country, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was prevented by Immigration authorities to board her flight Tuesday night. Immigration officials said they were just following orders from Chief Justice Leila De Lima.
THE SUPREME COURT has voted to allow former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to leave the country and seek medical treatment abroad. The decision was met with loud boos from Malacañang people who thought their lawyers did enough to win.
Malacañang lost despite the fact that it dictated the tempo early on and was obviously the more aggressive fighter throughout the legal battle.
Arroyo won against Malacañang, 8 justices to 5. Sought for reaction, Mrs. Arroyo said, “I think I clearly won the fight.”
When Mario Lopez learned about the Hight Court’s decision, he opined, “Gloria Arroyo is Noynoy Aquino’s Joe Frazier.”
The Supreme Court has allowed former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to leave the country. When she heard the good news, Mrs. Arroyo instructed her aide to prepare her red scarf.
The Dominican Republic has issued a statement denying Justice Sec. Leila De Lima’s unverified report that former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo had sought asylum in the Carribean nation. De Lima has apologized to the Arroyos. But that, too is unverified.
Pacquiao for Prexy?
Interviewed on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight, Top Rank CEO and boxing promoter Bob Arum said he’d help Manny Pacquiao win the Philippine presidency when Pacman turns 40. Asked how, Arum replied he’d recommend to the Comelec the use of CompuBox to tally the votes.
On the eve of his fight with Juan Manuel Marquez, Manny Pacquiao and wife, Jinkee reportedly had a very nasty argument. Loyal fans refused to believe the report because it came from Secretary Leila De Lima.
Some people are saying Manny Pacquiao appeared distracted during his fight with Juan Manuel Marquez. And they’re blaming Jinkee’s hairstyle.
Interviewed by ABS-CBN News’ Dyan Castillejo, Manny Pacquiao apologized to the fans for not meeting their expectations. The report didn’t say if he had apologized to Jinkee for committing transgressions.
Filipinos are divided on the result of the Pacquiao-Marquez fight. They seem to agree on one thing though – Dyan Castillejo is the female Jake Joson.
Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao was not in her usual self last Sunday. It was revealed she was suffering from arteritis.
After watching Manny Pacquiao’s fight, former boxing champion Rolando Navarette, said “Wala siya sa kondisyon.” To which Manny said, “Look who’s talking!”
State Visit
On November 20, South Korean President Lee Myung-bak is visiting the Philippines. He’s excited to see half of his country’s population.
Ramona Update
Quoting Turkish authorities, the National Bureau of Investigation says Ramona Bautista is no longer in Turkey. So where is she now? In hell?
Deadly
Dr. Willy Ong, a Department of Health consultant said prolonged exposure to air pollution can shorten your life. In other news, experts say if you go swimming you’ll get wet.
“It’s over! Pls. reply.”
An online survey showed 40 percent of social media users were likely to break up with their significant other through Facebook, text message, or email. Others, like Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago do it through a bank teller.
Praybeyt Benjamin
ABS-CBN News reported that the comedy flick ‘Praybeyt Benjamin’ is now the highest-grossing local movie of all time. I don’t know about you, or the others but I’ve seen the film and I am demanding a refund. Boo!
“Kumita lang nang malaki, maganda na? ‘Di ba pwedeng overhyped muna?”
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“The more laws and order are made prominent; the more thieves and robbers there will be.”
~Lao Tzu
Quote of the Day
“That’s the problem when you deal with media too much. I hope she learns her lessons. She should be more prudent this time. Kailangan may ammunition bago ka bumaril.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson on Justice Sec. Leila De Lima’s unverified asylum report
You Have Spoken
Para sa ‘yo, sino ang dapat nanalo?
- MANNY PACQUIAO 33.21%
- JUAN MANUEL MARQUEZ 35.38%
- DRAW 31.41%
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Leo Beligan
11/19/2011 11:10:00 PM
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Breaking News: Scientists at the Italian Institute for Nuclear Physics confirm there’s such a thing faster than the speed of light. It’s Judge Jesus Mupas of Pasay City RTC Branch 112.
Reviled by probably, a majority of her countrymen for her alleged sins against them, former Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was served an arrest warrant Friday… alive. Take that Libyans!
A warrant of arrest was issued by the Pasay City RTC even before the Arroyos could get to NAIA for their 5PM flight Friday. If it’s any consolation, that saved them time, effort, and their lawyer’s testicle.
When Mrs. Arroyo’s lawyers heard that a warrant of arrest was to be served Friday evening, they reportedly told the former president, “Brace yourself.”
Apparently, Judge Mupas found probable cause against Mrs. Arroyo based on the statements given by the likes of Lintang Bedol, former Ampatuan Sr’s aide Norie Unas, and Zaldy Ampatuan – or as defense lawyers would say, “Acquittal.”
It’s one humiliation after another for Mrs. Arroyo. First, she was barred from leaving by Immigration people. Second, she was ordered arrested. And for almost a week now, her infamy has been eclipsed by her lawyer’s balls.
At press time, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is under hospital arrest. At least four guards have been stationed at the St. Luke’s Correctional Facility.
Ahh, life. One day you’re the most powerful person in the country, the next day some Foto-Me employee is taking your mug shot.
On Friday, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was booked for a flight to Singapore. The next day, she was ‘booked’ for a trip to the Southern Police District detention cell.
On Saturday afternoon, Mrs. Arroyo underwent booking procedures. Her mug shots were taken and she was fingerprinted. Expecting the worst, she allegedly phoned a friend and asked, “Will I be visited by 1 million?”
Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio appealed to the media to not release the former president’s mug shots. The police will ask the court to decide on the request… while ABS-CBN News will ask the public to decide via Monday’s TV Patrol poll.
Mrs. Arroyo has been placed under hospital arrest. President Aquino can’t wait for the trial, the verdict, and his next SWS performance rating.
Senior Supt. Joel Coronel of the Southern Police District says security is kept at a minimum since Mrs. Arroyo is not a flight risk or suicidal. In totally unrelated news, security has been beefed up outside the residence of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.
Experts say if proven guilty, Mrs. Arroyo could face up to 40 years in prison. In Hollywood, that’s 203 Kim Kardashian marriages.
A day after the Comelec en banc voted to file electoral sabotage charges against him, former Comelec chairman Benjamin Abalos was rushed to an unidentified hospital. When he heard about the Comelec’s decision, his blood pressure allegedly shot up to 180 over his dead body he won’t just surrender without a fight.
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“There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supercedes all other courts.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Quote of the Day
“Isusumbong po namin sa Korte Suprema ang ginawa sa amin. Hihingi kami uli ng TRO para ipa-suspend ang all legal effects ng [actions] ng joint DOJ-Comelec panel.”
~Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio, counsel for Mrs. Arro
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Leo Beligan
11/24/2011 8:05:00 AM
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THE PAST 10 DAYS have been action-packed and full of surprises. I guess Atty. Midas Marquez will agree.
Everyone’s talking about Atty. Midas Marquez and his awkward gulat moment seen live on TV. This morning, the Supreme Court voted 12-3 to stop the spread of the video. President Aquino’s three appointees dissented saying the public has the right to know the “truth.”
Mugshots
The purported mugshots of former President Arroyo have leaked to the press. And Asian Hospital doctors were like, “Don’t look at us!”
DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo says the Arroyo mugshots that came out in the Philippine Daily Inquirer Tuesday were fake. But the police insist they’re real. The truth? More than a year after the Luneta bus hostage crisis, Robredo still doesn’t have control over the police.
Erap and Edsa
According to Joseph Estrada, his arrest “triggered Edsa 3, whose number was more than those of Edsa 1 and 2 combined.” There goes another Erap joke!
Mandela
Nobel laureate Nelson Mandela once said, “In my country, we go to prison first and then become President.” In the Philippines, it’s the opposite.
Anti-Discrimination Bill
The Senate has approved the Anti-Discrimination Act of 2011. The proposed measure seeks to prohibit and penalize racial discrimination in the delivery of goods and services, media, workplace, educational institutions, and the Office of the Vice President.
NBI Anniversary
The National Bureau of Investigation just turned 75. Or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “Puwede na!”
SEA Games
Philippine Sports officials predicted a 70 gold medal haul for Pinoy athletes in the 26th Southeast Asian Games in Indonesia. On Tuesday, the athletes went home with only 36 gold medals and finished a humiliating sixth place overall. President Aquino blamed the debacle on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
Goodbye EDSA?
A congressman from Bohol has filed a bill seeking to rename EDSA and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Geez. What’s next? Bimby Boulevard? ‘Daang Matuwid’ Expressway? Enough.
How about Sipsip Street?
Negative
The good news: both Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez who fought last November 12 were tested negative for any banned substance. The bad news: the judges were.
Breaking Dawn
The biggest box-office draw this week is ‘Breaking Dawn,’ the latest installment of ‘The Twilight Saga.’ The Twilight series tells about the story of vampires and werewolves – or as we collectively call them here in the Philippines, ‘Congress.’
Mega Moves
Sharon Cuneta has switched networks. Again.
Former ABS-CBN talent Sharon Cuneta has signed up with TV5. Interviewed after the contract signing, the Megastar said, “You cannot question my loyalty.” Tell that to Globe.
I heard it was a mega-buck deal. After all, isa siyang malaking artista.
Paternity Test
A 20-year-old student has dropped her paternity lawsuit against Justin Bieber. It turned out that the baby’s real father was Manny Pacquiao.
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“It’s all ’bout the money
it’s all ’bout the dum dum duh dee dum dum
I don’t think its funny… “
~Meja
Quote of the Day
“Nitong mga huling araw, naglipana na naman po ang mga walang katuturang patutsada at mga kuwentong barbero laban sa atin. Masyado daw tayong agresibo sa paghabol sa mga tiwali’t nagkasala. Ang sagot ko sa kanila: kung gaano sila ka-agresibo sa pagkakamal ng salapi ng taumbayan noon, magiging triple ang pagharurot natin para panagutin sila ngayon.”
~President Aquino
Elsewhere
TIME: Dynastic Duel: It’s Arroyo vs. Aquino in the Philippines’ Latest Political Battle
Enjoy the rest of the week!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/28/2011 7:42:00 PM
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OVER THE LAST THREE WEEKS, we have been bombarded with news about the Arroyos, the De Limas, the Aquinos, the Topacios and the Revillas/Bautistas. On Sunday, ABS-CBN gave us a breather of sorts. Everyone is now talking about the interrupted romance between Star Magic talents KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual.
However, the network didn’t allow the public to see the full interview. The show had to edit out statements to protect some personalities. An anonymous source sent us the deleted portions of the tell-all conversation. Indulge!
Boy Abunda (BA): Kristina, napanood mo ba ‘yong viral video ni Atty. Midas Marquez?
KC Concepcion: Tito Boy, I’ve seen worse! Believe me. Hindi lang pilantik ng mga daliri. Hindi lang taas ng kilay. But I don’t wanna go into detail. ‘Di ba may instruction sa atin sina Ma’am Charo at Tita Cory Vidanes na ‘wag pag-uusapan ang gender ni PJ? Sundin natin ‘yon.
BA: Atty. Ferdie Topacio is in the news these days. Ano ang masasabi mo sa kanya?
KC: At least siya Tito Boy, may itlog. Handa niyang itaya ‘yon alang-alang sa taong minamahal niya. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, never kong nadama kung may itlog siya. Never niya akong binigyan ng pagkakataon Tito Boy.
BA: Your dad used to support former President Arroyo. I’m sure, you’ve seen her in the news. May reaksyon ka ba sa nangyayari sa dating pangulo?
KC: ‘Yon ang masakit Tito Boy (weeps), ang dating pangulo kasi, malinaw ang kalaban, si Secretary De Lima – babae. Pero ang kalaban ko, lalaki! Ano namang laban ko sa isang lalaki Tito Boy?! Ang sakit eh.
BA: Bukas, November 28, one month na mula nang patayin si Ram Revilla. Your thoughts on the issue…
KC: Tito Boy, Ram is still lucky. Nakakulong ang mga suspek na sumaksak sa kanya. Pero ako? Daig ko pa ang sinaksak nang ilang beses sa puso pero ‘yong suspek, nakakalaya pa rin until now.
BA: Kristina, naglabas recently ng ruling ang Korte Suprema on Hacienda Luisita. Ipapamahagi na raw ang ekta-ektaryang lupain sa maliliit na magsasaka. May mensahe ka ba sa mga farmers?
KC: I am genuinely happy for them Tito Boy. At hanga talaga ako sa mga magsasaka dahil marunong at magaling silang umararo. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, hindi eh. Ang sakit Tito Boy. Hindi ko na kaya. (weeps)
BA: Mainit pa ring pinag-uusapan ang RH Bill sa Kongreso. Let’s talk about contraceptives, condoms, in particular. Anong stand mo?
KC: Tito Boy, I can’t relate. Never kaming umabot sa level na pinag-usapan ang protection. Sorry.
BA: I’m sure narinig mo na ang balita. Bohol Representative Rene Relampagos wanted to rename Edsa and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Pabor ka ba?
KC: Ang hirap magsalita Tito Boy. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko, nakaka-relate ako sa Edsa Tito Boy. Kasi kapag magkasama kami ni PJ sa kuwarto, dinadaan-daanan lang niya ako.
BA: Bago tayo maghiwalay, gusto kong mapasaya ka kahit papaano. Let’s play Pinoy Henyo. I will ask Yes, No, or Pwede questions. Ikaw na ang mag-isip ng Henyo word.
KC: Sige Tito Boy. Meron na. (Shows the word to the televiewers: PIOLO)
BA: Tao ba ‘to?
KC: Yes
BA: Babae?
KC: Pwede!
BA: Lalaki?
KC: Puwede!
BA: Alam ko na! Lesbian!?
KC: Pwede!
BA: Bakit gano’n? Lahat pwede!? Hmmm… gay?
KC: Ahm, may memo si Ma’am Charo. Ayokong sagutin.
BA: Ang daya naman. Napapanood or lumabas before sa ABS-CBN?
KC: Yes.
BA: Rustom Padilla sa PBB!
KC: Pwede!
BA: Ang hirap naman. Teka, nagkaroon ba siya ng relasyon sa babae pero kinuwestyon ng publiko?
KC: Oo!
BA: A-ha! Eric Santos! O, naging sila ni Rufa Mae Quinto huh!
KC: Hindi!
BA: Hindi si Eric? Meron pa ba? Wait! Si Kuya Germs!
KC: Hindiiiiii! Hahaha
BA: Na-link sa ‘yo!?
KC: Oo!
BA: Sure ka ba? It can’t be Lino Cayetano.
KC: Hindi!
BA: May parating na soap opera?
KC: Oo!
BA: Pinayagan kang magpa-interview para magamit sa promo ng darating niyang soap opera?
KC: Tumpak!
BA: Jericho Rosales?
KC: Hindi!
BA: Ang hirap naman. Sirit na nga!
KC: Hay naku Tito Boy, OA ka. Ini-etchos mo lang ako.
BA: Of course I know it’s Piolo. Pinapangiti lang kita Kristina. Nanonood si Piolo ngayon, anong gusto mong sabihin?
KC: Mark my word PJ, mark my word… lalabas din ang totoo!
BA: Nanonood si MB ngayon, may mensahe ka ba?
KC: Tito Boy, nasa memo ‘yan. Bawal banggitin ang pangalang ‘yan. No comment ako.
BA: One final question Kristina. Ito ang tanong ng sambayanan at gusto nilang marinig mula sa ‘yo ang kasagutan: Bakla ba siya?
KC: Napakabait niyang tao Tito Boy.
BA: Inuulit ko, bakla ba siya?
KC: Sobrang lambing niya Tito Boy.
BA: Kristina, maraming salamat sa pagtitiwala sa ‘The Buzz.’
KC: Thank you Tito Boy.
BA: Mga kaibigan… bukas po ang aming programa sa panig ni Piolo Pascual. Ang sa akin lang, huwag sana tayong humusga kaagad. Sa lahat ng usapin, marapat po lamang na pakinggan natin ang dalawang panig. Sa isyu naman ng homosekswalidad, gusto kong ibahagi ang sinabi ng American actor and playwright na si Harvey Fierstein. He said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” Magbabalik po ang ‘The Buzz!’
[Alvin Elchico: Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita... ]
Overheard: Sinungaling si Tito Boy. Hindi na bumalik ang ‘The Buzz.’
Say Something!
Isang suhestyon sa kadalasan ay magulong TV Patrol Poll:
Anong basic na pangangailangan ni KC Concepcion ang hindi maibigay ni Piolo Pascual? A: Oo B: Hindi. #angLabo!
To vote, type TVP A or B and send to 2222 for all networks except for GMA7 and TV5.
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“People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it’s letting go.”
- Anonymous
Quote of the Weak
“May mga hinahanap ako na basic lang na hahanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki. Pero, masakit man sabihin, hindi ako yung, siguro nag-fail din ako dahil hindi ako yung kailangan niya sa buhay niya. Or hindi ako yung hinahanap niya sa buhay niya. And hindi, hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung kailangan niya.”
- KC Concepcion on Piolo Pascual
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Leo Beligan
12/2/2011 7:08:00 PM
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Mga minamahal kong kababayan,
Matagal na panahon na rin mula nang ako ay humarap sa inyo. Ilang buwan rin akong nanahimik sa pag-aakalang kusang hihinto ang mga atake laban sa akin. Ngunit ako ay nagkamali.
Walang tigil ang kritisismo, panlilibak, at kadalasan ay personal na mga banat sa akin. Sobra na ang pang-aapi ng administrasyong ito at ako ay labis na nababahala.
Marapat lamang na aking ihayag ang tunay kong damdamin. Tapos na ang pagiging Carmina Villaroel ko. Oras na para ilabas ang aking inner KC Concepcion.
Unang-una, gusto kong kundenahin ang pangungutya ng palasyo sa aking mga abogado. Pati ang walang malay na maselang bahagi ng katawan ni Atty. Ferdinand Topacio ay kanilang pinagdiskitahan sa pagtatangkang ipahiya ako sa publiko. Bago n’yo pag-initan ang itlog ni Topacio, bakit hindi n’yo muna tanungin ang inyong amo: may silbi pa ba ang itlog mo?
Wala rin silang karapatang kwestyunin ang kakayahan ng aking tagapagsalita. Si Elena Bautista-Horn ay hindi lamang tapat, masipag, at dedicated na spokesperson. Siya rin ang tumatayong head ng ISAFP o Intelligence Service of the Arroyo Family in the Philippines. Sa katunayan, siya ang nakatuklas sa “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – ang balak na paglikida sa akin.
Ako ay naniniwalang ang maitim na hangarin ng administrasyong ito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit pilit nila akong pinapalipat sa Veterans Memorial Medical Center. Ano ako? Action star? Plunderer? Alam ng aking mga kritiko na hindi ako sanay sa mumurahing pagamutan. Sa paglalagay sa akin sa ospital na pinapatakbo ng gobyerno, unti-unti na rin nila akong pinapatay. “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – tama si Elena Horn.
Gusto ko ring manawagan sa mga taong patuloy na nagdududa sa integridad ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman. Walang basehan ang paratang na CoronArroyo. Tapos na ang eleksyon. Kumita na ang Villaroyo. Huwag n’yong pulitikahin ang Korte Suprema. Kapag hindi kayo tumigil sa inyong paninira, baka ibunyag ko ang sabwatang SereNoynoy. Binabalaan ko kayo.
Humihingi ako ng dispensa sa aking mga doctor lalo na kay Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes. Maging kayo ay binabatikos dahil sa akin gayong ginagawa n’yo lang naman ang inyong trabaho. Ayaw kong magkahiwa-hiwalay tayo kaya please lang, maliban sa colitis, humanap pa kayo ng mali sa aking katawan. Wala akong pakialam kung dermatitis, conjunctivitis, otitis o kahit, buntis pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga ay tumagal pa ang ating pagsasama dito sa St. Luke’s.
Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay humihingi ng tulong sa aking mga kababayang patuloy ang pagtitiwala sa akin. Sa darating na lingo ay magpapasya ang ubod ng bilis na si Judge Jesus Mupas kung ano ang nararapat sa akin. Napag-alaman kong may text component pala ang kanyang gagawing pagpapasya. Ang tanong:
Ano ang gusto n’yo para kay dating Pangulong Arroyo:
A: House arrest
B: Hospital arrest
C: Detention Cell
D: Wala akong pakialam. Mas interesado ako sa scripted interview kay Piolo Pascual sa ‘The Buzz’ sa darating na Linggo
Just key in ARROYO (space) A: House arrest and send to 2462 (CGMA) for all networks. Ayon sa NTC, 80 centavos na lang per text ngayon kaya kung maaari ay itodo n’yo na ang pagboto. Lahat ng taong magti-text ng “A: House arrest” ay awtomatikong kasali sa isang pre-Christmas raffle kung saan mamimigay ng MP3 at 2GB Flash Drives sina Dato, Luli, at Mikey. Si Attorney Mike naman ay naghanda rin ng loot bags mula sa kanyang na-loot noong nasa puwesto pa ako bilang pangulo. Kaya ano pang hinihintay n’yo? Text na!
Sa huli, gusto kong magparating ng maigsi at simpleng mensahe sa nakaupong pangulo at sa mapaghiganteng administrasyong ito:
Walang corrupt?!
Walang mahirap?!
O walang accomplishments?
Manyampukaki ing lugod mi kekayu!
Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat at nawa’y lagi n’yong tatandaan ang pangaral ng aking ama, si Ka Dadong:
“Just do what ish right, do what ish best, and your battery of lawyersh will take care of the rest.”
Naglilingkod,
GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO
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Leo Beligan
12/22/2011 5:36:00 PM
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FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be spending Christmas at the hospital. It’s the closest she could get to a ‘white Christmas.’
The court has reportedly allowed Mrs. Arroyo access to television. When she heard this, Leah Navarro offered to donate a Black and White TV.
The Arroyo family vowed to make it ‘Christmas as usual’ for the detained former president. There will be a salu-salo, a short program, and games. I heard that the Arroyo grandchildren really wanted to play ‘Trip to Jerusalem’ but the DOJ reminded them of an existing watch list order.
And believe it or not, those kids also wanted to do palo sebo. The former First Gentleman will provide the sebo.
Top 10 Christmas Wishes/Messages Sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus
(List forwarded to The Professional Heckler by Santa Claus himself)
No. 10:
Dear Santa,
Gusto kong makilala sina Valerie Concepcion at Francine Prieto. I want to personally thank them. Wala lang.
Little Gloria
No. 9:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ako makagalaw. Limitado ang aking kilos. Sa sitwasyon kong ito, nawa’y manatiling faithful ang asawa ko. Ilayo mo siya sa tukso.
Little Gloria
No. 8:
Dear Santa,
I hope maging stronger ang relasyon ni Secretary De Lima sa boyfriend niya. Kung pwede nga Santa, mag-asawa na siya para mabawasan ang pagiging moody niya na ako lagi ang biktima. Please.
Little Gloria
No. 7:
Dear Santa,
Makarma sana ang mga kongresistang isa-isang tumalikod sa akin. Mga oportunista! May araw din sila.
Little Gloria
No. 6:
Dear Santa,
Uy, Mareng Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, ‘musta ka na? Miss ko na kayo. Visit naman kayo rito sa VMMC. Wala akong cell kaya ‘di kita ma-text eh!
Little Gloria
(Sumagot si Santa: “Dear Little Gloria, Sa North Pole mo na-send ang iyong letter sa iyong doktora. Malayo kami sa St. Luke’s. Tanga! – Santa)
No. 5:
Dear Santa,
Pahabain mo pa ang buhay ni Father Joaquin Bernas. His insights have been very helpful.
Little Gloria
No. 4:
Dear Santa,
Patnubayan mo ang kalusugan ni Atty. Ferdie Topacio. Sa mga pagkakataong ako ay sad, napapatawa ako ng kanyang mga banat. Ilayo mo sa disgrasya ang kanyang mga bayag.
Little Gloria
No. 3:
Dear Santa,
Bahala ka na kay Rene Corona. Mabait na tao naman ‘yon. Maaasahan sa lahat ng oras. Paki-assist na lang sa impeachment.
Little Gloria
No. 2:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ko gusto ang inaasta ng Judge Mupas na ‘yon. I smell conviction. Kunin mo na s’ya.
Little Gloria
And the No. 1 Christmas wish/message sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus…
Dear Santa,
Big favor naman. Nagpabili ako ng kahun-kahong pakete ng sigarilyo. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan para makaganti ako. Pakidala naman sa bahay ng pangulo. Thanks.
Little Gloria
CPP Anniversary
Founded on December 26, 1968, the Communist Party of the Philippines is celebrating its anniversary on Monday. Congratulations to the CCP for sustaining a 43-year-losing streak.
Palparan on the Run
The hunt is on for retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. Immigration personnel have been alerted for a possible passenger whose face will be partly covered by a camouflage scarf.
MMFF
Kris Aquino says her film fest entry ‘Segunda Mano’ will keep moviegoers on the edge of their seats; feeling nervous because of uncertainty. Apparently, the film was inspired by the Aquino government.
I intend to watch Kris Aquino’s movie ‘Segunda Mano.’ I wanna get scared and laugh at the same time.
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“Revenge is a confession of pain.”
~Latin Proverb
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Leo Beligan
12/24/2011 6:31:00 PM
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PICK-UP LINES OF FAMOUS FILIPINOS
24122011
INSPIRED BY an article on College Humor’s website, here are the pick-up lines of famous Filipino men:
Apolinario Mabini: Except for my legs, lahat sa akin, tumatayo.
Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.
Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.
Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.
Juan Luna: Kapag kasama kita, mas nagiging makulay ang mundo ko.
Amado V. Hernandez: Gusto mong makita ang aking ibong mandaragit?
Mar Roxas: Magaling akong pumadyak.
Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ko ang matigas sa akin.
Fidel V. Ramos: Hmmm, maliban sa bibig ko, saan ko pa kaya pwedeng ipasok ang tabakong ‘to?
Manny Pacquiao: Tara, let’s go to the world and multiply.
Jose Ma. Sison: Blusa! Palda! Panty! Ibagsak!
Efren “Bata” Reyes: Puwede ko bang ikiskis ‘tong tako ko sa tisa mo?
Manny Villar: Basta ako, kaya ko ang double insertion!
Bro. Mike Velarde: Dila ko pa lang, matigas na.
Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?
Rene Mariano, psychic: May future tayong dalawa.
Noynoy Aquino: Alam mo, matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi napapaputok ‘tong baril ko.
Gomburza: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”
Christmas Surveys
A Social Weather Stations Survey showed that 23 percent of Filipinos prefer to receive money as gift on Christmas. Those Filipinos were later identified as “congressmen.”
Another survey revealed that only 3 in 5 Filipinos would be happy this Christmas. To illustrate, think of the Aquino family. There’s Ballsy, Pinky, and Viel. That’s three. And then there’s, Noy and Kris.
Happy Holidays! Have a safe Christmas break everyone!
Share this on Facebook and Twitter:
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
12/28/2011 6:38:00 PM
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INTERVIEWED BY ANC’s Lynda Jumilla, President Aquino says his No. 1 wish for 2012 is employment opportunities for Filipinos. To prove his sincerity, he then announces an opening in the Supreme Court.
Even before the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona could begin, President Aquino has already instructed his legal team to look for a possible replacement. In other news, Associate Justice Antonio Carpio is looking forward to a fruitful 2012.
Journalists describe Chief Justice Renato Corona’s legal team as “powerhouse.’ But Malacañang is unfazed. After all, it has the power, and it has the House.
New Year
It will be another exciting New Year’s Eve in the Philippines. While most Filipinos are ushering in 2012 with ‘sinturon ni Hudas,’ ‘bawang,’ whistle bomb, ‘Goodbye Universe,’ and ‘Goodbye Philippines,’ President Aquino is welcoming it with “Goodbye Corona.”
Just so you know, Senators Joker Arroyo and Juan Ponce Enrile almost got injured during last year’s New Year’s Eve revelry. Somebody mistook them for ‘super lolo.’
Atty. Ferdie Topacio is spending New Year’s Eve at Times Square in New York this year. He wants to see the ball drop.
Top 5 Signs You’re at a New Year’s Eve Party in Malacañang
No. 5: The piped-in music is ‘Estudyante Blues.’
No. 4: When you ask for a beer bottle opener, people tell you, “Look for Secretary Jojo Ochoa!”
No. 3: Josh.
No. 2: There’s a sign at the entrance that reads, “Valerie Concepcion Not Allowed”
And the No. 1 sign that you’re at a New Year’s Eve party in Malacañang…
The President is having the time of his life… mainly because ang New Year’s Eve ay isa sa mga rare occasions kung saan puwede siyang magpaputok!
Just Fair
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that the government’s treatment of former President Arroyo with regard to the case filed against her was “only fair.” That’s the opinion of 7 out of 10 Filipinos. The other three were Topacio, Horn and Lambino.
The Fugitive
Authorities have yet to locate retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. The government has offered a 500 thousand-peso bounty for his capture. Nobody knows his whereabouts but closest friends claim Palparan is really excited to learn how to cook adobo, afritada, and empanada.
Innocents
December 28 is Holy Innocents Day – a day to remember the massacre of the innocents. To commemorate the event, Mo Twister is uploading another video on YouTube.
GMA Says
GMA Network has denied Internet rumors that businessman Manny Pangilinan has acquired GMA 7. The network also denied reports there’s an ongoing negotiation between GMA owners and MVP. It seems that GMA has denied everything… except for DJ Mo’s allegation against Rhian Ramos.
Overseas…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-iL was buried today. Loyal supporters who attended the funeral will each receive a vial of uranium.
Thousands of people perished under Kim Jong-iL’s oppressive regime. Sorry, but the mass hysteria puts the fun in Kim Jong-iL’s FUNeral.
Kim Jong-iL has been laid to rest. In case you missed it, the North Korean dictator will be succeeded by his son, Bongbong Jong-iL.
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“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
~Bill Vaughan
Have a safe New Year!
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Leo Beligan
1/6/2012 11:26:00 PM
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I CAN’T WAIT FOR January 16, the start of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial. I admit, I am really ‘atat.’ The only other person more atat is Congressman Niel Tupas.
The impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins January 16. But the House prosecution panel started presenting its evidence last January 3.
The House prosecution panel showed to the media a deed of sale and two condominium certificates of title to prove that Corona owns a condo unit at The Fort. Cong. Niel Tupas is expecting a guilty verdict from the media soon.
Congressmen are convinced that Corona’s ownership of a posh condo unit is ill-gotten. They should know. It’s ‘familiar territory.’
Getting Worse
According to the Department of Health, New Year’s Day-related injuries are up by 2.2 percent this year. The DOH is now considering suggestions to ban firecrackers and to bar Dr. Eric Tayag from dancing again.
When asked about firecracker-related injuries, the Health Department noted more cases this year, perhaps second only to Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
The Department of Health reported that this year’s New Year’s Day celebration was “the deadliest.” To which Mayans said, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Palparan
The reward for the capture of retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. has been doubled… prompting his landlady to double the rent, or else.
Christmas Still
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines reminds the faithful that the Christmas Season is until January 8. Kids have three more days to hunt down their missing ninong and ninang.
‘Bourne’ in Manila
Online reports say the Hollywood flick ‘Bourne Legacy’ will shoot some scenes in the Philippines including a car chase along Edsa. Good luck to that.
MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino says part of the ‘Bourne Legacy’ script is a car chase featuring Academy Award winner Rachel Weisz. Also being considered for that particular car chase scene is Richard Gutierrez.
Cover
Everybody’s talking about Jinkee Pacquiao’s photo on the cover of MEGA magazine. The half-human, half-science was half-recognizable.
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“If you want an audience, start a fight.”
~Irish Proverb
Quote of the Day
“Wow! Maganda naman ang asawa ko at lalong gumaganda kasi wala na siyang inaalala.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao reacting to the latest magazine cover of his wife, Jinkee
Public Service Announcements
- Taxikick: Report abusive taxi drivers in the Philippines.
- You may also directly file a complaint using this LTFRB form.
- January 23 is a special (non-working) day. Find out why here.
@HecklerForever Says (My recent tweets, in case you missed)
- To say that Kris Aquino is the horror queen is an insult to Lilia Cuntapay
- If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, set them on fire.
- Prevention is better than abortion.
- United we stand divided by 5 is undefined.
- The best things in life are online.
- Patience is a virtue. Or a mushy Guns N’ Roses song if you’re a child of the ’90s.
- You only live once. Or in the case of Rustom Padilla, twice.
Enjoy the rest of the week!
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Leo Beligan
1/11/2012 3:55:00 PM
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THE LONGEST BLACK NAZARENE procession ever in the history of the annual tradition finished at around 6AM Tuesday. The procession was even longer than the Black Nazarene’s journey from Mexico to the Philippines 405 years ago.
The Black Nazarene procession took 22 hours to finish. It would have been a lot faster if the organizing committee was headed by Judge Jesus Mupas.
Last Sunday, January 8, President Aquino bared a terrorist plot aimed at disrupting the annual Black Nazarene procession. Eight million devotees didn’t believe him.
For security reasons, telephone companies cut off cut their services in downtown Manila. There was no cell phone signal during the Black Nazarene procession. Or as Globe users would say, “just another ordinary day.”
On Monday, devotees marked the Black Nazarene’s 405th anniversary. Yup, it’s been here that long. In fact, when the ‘miraculous’ image arrived in the Philippines from Mexico, Senator Enrile was still a baby.
Top 5 Signs that Someone Present at the Black Nazarene Procession Is A Fake Devotee
No. 5: Throughout the procession, she keeps telling a friend, “Akala ko ba maraming cute dito? Gosh, I haven’t seen one.”
No. 4: Others walked barefoot, she’s on high heels.
No. 3: He joins the procession with one cell phone and leaves with at least seven.
No. 2: Distributes free white towels and then goes, “God bless po! Sa 2013, ‘wag kakalimutan si Konsehal.”
And the No.1 sign that someone present at the Black Nazarene procession is a fake devotee…
While others yell “Viva Senor,” the poser shouts, “’Tang-i*a, walang signal! Paano made-detonate ‘to!”
Kris on Impeachment
Guesting live on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ last Sunday, Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? She picked Senator Santiago saying, “kailangan namin ang vote niya sa impeachment.” And we all thought that Cong. Miro Quimbo was the prosecution panel’s spokesperson.
Last Sunday on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice,’ Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? Watching the show at home, Gloria and Imelda were like, “Please God, not me, please!”
PBA Semis
Have you been following the PBA semifinals? I heard it has been a thrilling series between Petron and Talk ‘N Txt. But that’s nothing compared to the thrilling matchup between Danilo Suarez and Edcel Lagman.
Blue Ivy Carter
Beyoncé and Jay-Z announced the birth of their first baby. They named her Blue Ivy Carter. But critics accuse the couple of being a copycat claiming that ‘Blue Ivy Carter’ was the name of a baby born in Switzerland in 1951.
Fans around the world are waiting for the release of Baby Blue Ivy’s first photos. But that could take a few more weeks as Beyoncé and Jay-Z have just started the bidding.
Charice Returns
Charice has jut arrived. She was pictured on a wheelchair at the NAIA. In all fairness, the wheelchair was not Photoshopped.
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“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
Quote of the Weak
“Si Senator Miriam, kasi kailangan namin ng vote niya for the impeachment.”
~ Presidential sister and TV host Kris Aquino’s answer when asked: ‘If you were a guy, who would you date: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo or Cong. Imelda Marcos?”
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Leo Beligan
1/20/2012 7:01:00 PM
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Posted: 18 Jan 2012 08:20 PM PST
ROUND 3 of Corona Trial goes to the prosecution.
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
To be fair, the prosecution panel scored big on Day 3. The first prosecution witness, the High Tribunal’s clerk of court Enriqueta Esguerra-Vidal was compelled to turn over to the impeachment court the envelope that contained copies of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s statements of assets, liabilities and net worth or SALNs. This development should be credited to the efforts of the lead prosecutor. So congratulations… Frank Drilon.
Clerk of Court Enriqueta Esguerra-Vidal turned over to the impeachment court copies of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s statements of assets, liabilities and net worth defying an existing Supreme Court resolution prohibiting the release of the magistrates’ SALNs. After testifying for the prosecution, Vidal, who was allowed to leave, went straight home and updated her résumé.
Based on Chief Justice Renato Corona’s SALNs, his net worth jumped from P14.96 million in 2002 to P22.9 million in 2010. That’s an increase of P8 million. Or as a congressman would say, “three terms.”
According to Budget Sec. Florencio Abad, Chief Justice Renato Corona cannot afford a multimillion-peso condominium unit considering his salary as a government official. Unless, of course, he works at the Bureau of Customs.
Day 3 may have “gone” to the prosecution as the Inquirer bannered but the blunders of the private prosecutors cannot be ignored. Leading questions, hypothetical questions and questions that tend to ‘cross examine’ their own witness were objected to by the defense and sustained by the presiding officer. The 83-year-old Serafin Cuevas was just too much for the hotshot prosecution lawyers. It’s like watching Meryl Streep in an intense, dramatic exchange with Megan Fox.
Justice Sec. Leila De Lima denies allegations that she facilitated the release of documents from the Land Registration Authority (which is under the DOJ) to be used as evidence against Chief Justice Corona. She refused to comment on rumors though that she is the inspiration for the prosecution panel’s frequent press conferences.
In Other News
In protest of an anti-piracy legislation in the United States, free online encyclopedia Wikipedia blacked out its site for 24 hours. But that’s nothing compared to the prosecution panel which has been blacking out for two days now.
Reports say Wikipedia is down. To which, Niel Tupas and company said, “We can relate.”
Wikipedia has shut down. And retired Justice Serafin Cuevas was like, “Ano ‘yon?”
In support of Wikipedia’s battle against censorship, Sen. Lito Lapid has decided to keep his mouth shut during the entire Corona impeachment trial.
Associate Justice Mariano Del Castillo isn’t worried at all. Even before Wikipedia could black out its site, he was able to copy all the information he needed.
For 24 hours, Wikipedia is blacking out its site. Or as millions of students worldwide would call it, “end of the world.”
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“Amateurs hope, professionals work.”
- Garson Kanin
Quote of the Day
“The impeachment proceedings are a learning experience for us. We have to relearn trial techniques like the presentation of evidence. We will get better as the impeachment trial progresses.”
~ Prosecution panel spokesperson Quezon Rep. Erin Tañada
Briefly Noted
The Daily Tribune’s Niñez Cacho-Olivarez revealed ABS-CBN’s “ties” to the prosecution panel. She wrote:
“Five members of the prosecution panel, acting as private prosecutors for the trial are all high officials of the Lopez-owned ABS-CBN network. The five private prosecutors are Maximilian Uy — chief legal counsel, assistant corporate secretary; Mario Bautista — general counsel, legal services; Manuel Torres — corporate secretary; Maximilian Joseph Uy — legal services and assistant corporate secretary; and Enrique Quiason — assistant corporate secretary.”
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Leo Beligan
2/3/2012 7:33:00 PM
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PRESIDENT AQUINO has confirmed reports he recently dated TV host and radio jock Grace Lee. For the record, the President and Ms Lee have so far dated two or three times. Or as Niel Tupas and the prosecution team would probably say 45 times.
President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.
Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.
Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.
From 45 to 24
Despite television footage showing otherwise, lead prosecutor Niel Tupas denied that the prosecution presented to the media documents that would prove Chief Justice Corona owned 45 properties. Tupas said they could only present evidence for 21 to 24. And this just in: Tupas has denied saying that “like Judas Iscariot,” Mr Corona “betrayed God for a few pieces of gold.” He clarified that it’s for a few pieces of rubies only.
From 45 properties, Niel Tupas is now saying Corona owns only 21 to 24 pala. Talk about misdeclaration.
Observers who have been monitoring the Corona impeachment trial say his conviction is sort of a ‘mission impossible’ for the prosecution. And Niel Tupas is the tape that self-destructs every 5 seconds.
First Time
For the first time since the impeachment trial started, Sen. Lito Lapid asked a prosecutor one clarificatory question last Wednesday. That’s a rare spectacle: Lito Lapid and a prosecutor. On the one hand, you have a stupid guy who takes the floor and gets ridiculed, and on the other hand, you have Lito Lapid.
Manila Bulletin
Last February 2, the Manila Bulletin celebrated its founding anniversary. The daily is now 112 years old – making it the next possible candidate for presiding officer in the impeachment trial.
Dissolved
The marriage of James Yap and Kris Aquino has finally been annulled. Congratulations… James Yap!
Kris Aquino has officially announced that she’s single again. Of course, this is the best time to announce it. She can’t just let Grace Lee have all the attention.
Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.
Facebook Timeline
In less than a week, Facebook Timeline will be mandatory for all users. Timeline will show off posts that people might have wanted to forget. Last night, Niel Tupas and Miro Quimbo decided to delete their Facebook posts claiming Corona owned 45 properties.
Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.
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“Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you.”
~ The Story of Us
Quote of the Day
“Apparently, the trial outside the courtroom is proceeding faster than the trial inside the court.”
~Senator-Judge Gregorio Honasan
More PickUp Lines
Si Senator Enrile ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi… you’re the JUAN! Boom!”
Si Vice President Jejomar Binay ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi, gusto kong maging liwanag sa iyong dilim! | Boom!
Si BIR Commissioner Kim Henares ka ba? | BAKIT | Kasi, handa kong IBUWIS ang buhay ko para sa ‘yo! | Boom!
Happy February! Spread the love!
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Leo Beligan
2/11/2012 5:30:00 PM
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A RUNDOWN of the week’s tabloid headlines:
Tabloid Headline: ‘Small lady’ wala sa CCTV ng Senado
> Sa sobrang liit hindi nahagip
Tabloid Headline: Sino nga ba ang mas mataas: Impeachment Court o Supreme Court?
> Definitely hindi ‘yong ‘small lady’
Tabloid Headline: Fariñas nag-sorry kay Bong
> Alternative Headline: Rudy at Bong, best friends na ulit
Tabloid Headline: Impeachment complaint, masama ang pagkakagawa – Fariñas
> ‘Tapos masama pa ang performance ni Tupas! Wagas!
Tabloid Headline: Prosekusyon to Corona: Buksan ang dollar accounts
> Corona to prosecution: You first.
Tabloid Headline: Sabi ni PNoy: Congressman-prosecution kulang sa practice
> At sa evidence.
Tabloid Headline: Belmonte, hanga sa tatag ng prosecution
> Love your own.
Tabloid Headline: Customs clerk na naghari-harian sa kalsada, binira ni PNoy
> Nainggit sa Porsche?
Tabloid Headline: PNoy at Grace, 3 to 5 oras kung mag-usap sa phone
> Mabuti pa ‘yong phone, busy. Eh ‘yong Pangulo?
Tabloid Headline: Kritiko (sa Lower House) ‘kinikilig’ sa bagong love ni PNoy
> Baka naman umiihi lang
Tabloid Headline: Suporta ng INC kay Corona walang epekto sa Palasyo
> Next year pa ang eleksyon.
Tabloid Headline: Jinggoy “umepal” kay Kris
> Eh mas epal pala sa kanya, walang nangyari
Tabloid Headline: Grace Ibuna, nasa last will ni Rep. Iggy Arroyo
> Aleli Arroyo nasa ill will
Tabloid Headline: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, hinaharang ang balik-tambalan nina Sharon Cuneta at Gabby Concepcion?!
> Noted.
Tabloid Headline: ‘Eat Bulaga’ pinataob ang ‘It’s Showtime’
> Motto ng Bulaga: ‘Eat Showtime!’
Tabloid Headline: ‘Female’ status sa lalaking nagpa-sex change, bawal – Senado
> Sige, she-male na lang
Tabloid Headline: Hayden Kho, nakipag-date sa ibang babae
> Sa sobrang galit, mukha ni Vicki Belo gumalaw
Tabloid Headline: PNoy kukuning lead dancer ng DOH
> Not a good idea.
Tabloid Headline: PDEA: Babaeng pusher tumataas
> Pampatangkad na ang drugs? Baka naman ‘dumarami!’
Tabloid Headline: Suspek sa laundry shop robbery, nasakote
> Matapos masakote, sinabon
——————————————————–
“Newspapers cannot be defined by the second word—paper. They’ve got to be defined by the first word—news.”
~ Arthur Sulzberg, Jr.
Quotes of the Day
“The old Manny Pacquiao is gone. The new Manny Pacquiao has come.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao on being a reformed “Catholic Christian”
“He’s one of the many aspects of my life that makes me happy now.”
~TV/Radio personality Grace Lee on President Aquino
Have a great weekend!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
HABANG NAGPAPAHINGA
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Leo Beligan
2/15/2012 6:35:00 PM
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IN OBSERVANCE of Valentine’s Day and in deference to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile who marked his 88th birthday, Day 17 of the Corona Impeachment Trial was adjourned early. The live telecast of the trial was stopped. Unknown to the public though, some of the impeachment players opted to kill time in the session hall while waiting for their respective Valentine’s Day dinner. Some talked about the case. Others debated. The heated exchange led to a fliptop war between the two camps which got too personal. What transpired after the trial was caught on CCTV!
Match No. 1: Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas vs. Cong. Niel Tupas
Justice Cuevas:
Hindi ka naman shirt,’di ka naman pantalon
pero bakit tuwing trial, lagi kang nasasabon?
lahat ay kabado ‘pag tumatayo na si Tupas
‘di ka ba naiinsulto, mas impressed sila kay Fariñas!
Boom!
Cong. Niel Tupas
Mawalang-galang na ‘tanda, ‘di mo ba napansin
tanong ng senadora’y, nasasagot ko rin
good friends kami ni Rudy, ‘wag ka ngang makiangkas
masyado kang intrigero, pwede ka sa ‘The Buzz!’
Suuu-su-nod!
Justice Cuevas:
Ha-ha-ha
Bistado na brod ang inyong pagiging showbiz
ultimo “small lady” ginagawan n’yo ng tsismis
wasak na wasak ang istorya ni Rey Umali
‘di pwedeng isapelikula, iri-reject ni Mother Lily!
Boom!
Cong. Niel Tupas:
Sus!
Hindi naman isyu ang babaeng maliit
ang dapat n’yong sagutin: ‘Did CJ Corona cheat?’
wasak na istorya?!? eh ‘yong kwento n’yo ‘bout bribery
kahit yata gawing indie, ‘di papatulan ni Brillante!
Match No. 2: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Cong. Niel Tupas
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
May duda akong ika’y lechon, mukha kang chicharon,
everytime I see you kasi, tumataas ang aking presyon
sumasabak kayo sa guerra, wala naman palang bala
pati fishing expedition sa Senado iniaasa!
Cong. Niel Tupas:
Laging ako, ako na lang, ang iyong nakikita
senator-judge ho ba kayo o kasapi ng depensa?
wala namang personalan, wala tayo sa Iloilo
masyado na ho kayong obvious, naloloka ako sa ‘yo!
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
‘Wag ka ngang istupido! Hindi ako namemersonal
galit lang ako sa tanga, hindi ka pa ba sanay?
Maiba ako…
‘musta naman ang mansion mo do’n sa Xavierville?
sa’n nga pala galing ‘yon? Katas ng pork barrel?
Joooke!
Cong. Niel Tupas:
Not funny!
Below the belt na po kayo Madam Senadora
tutukan na lang natin ang kaso ni Corona
and please, tigilan na ang pick-up lines n’yong corny
setenta’y sais na po kayo, ‘di na bagay maging horny!
Boom!
Match No. 3: Atty. Miro Quimbo vs. Atty. Tranquil Salvador
Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Kung walang ‘tinatago, ba’t panay ang objection?
niloloko n’yo ang tao, ginagalit buong nation
ang latest: may suhol daw si PNoy sa Senado?
naubusan na kayo ng bala, halatang desperado!
Boom!
Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Ehem ehem ehem at sinong desperado?
Day 1 pa lang ng trial: evidence n’yo ay zero!
Ansabe ng prosekusyon? Sure sa conviction?
Bakit? Lahat ba ng senador ang last name ay ‘Drilon?’
Boom!
Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Ahh, shut the eff up. Ubod ka nang daldal bro!
pagsalitain mo naman si Karen Jimeno
manang-mana ka kasi sa papansin mong kliyente
may paiyak-iyak pa sa may balkonahe!
Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Oo na! Ikaw na ang pogi at matinik
No wonder, love ka raw ng Globe Asiatique
Ooops! Sorry, did you find that offensive?
Btw, hello raw from the members of Pag-IBIG!
Boom!
Final Match: Prosecutor/Congressman Rey Umali vs. “Small Lady”
Cong. Rey Umali:
Sino bang lumapit? Bakit ako nasabit?
sa ‘kin hinahanap ang suspek na midget
‘di naman nagpakilala, kay bilis ng pangyayari
hindi ko siya masisi kung wala sa CCTV!
“Small Lady:”
Ulol!
Ako na nga ang ginamit, ako pa ngayon ang sinungaling?
bilib na ako sa ‘yong… “Maang-maangan School of Acting”
ang husay mo naman palang humabi ng istorya
bakit ‘di ka mag-submit ng entry sa Palanca?
Boom!
Cong. Rey Umali:
Tumahimik ka!
Ako ang may likha sa ‘yo
matuto kang gumalang
walang dapat makaalam,
na ika’y gawa-gawa lamang!
“Small Lady:”
Gawa-gawa na nga lang, minamaliit mo pa!
duda tuloy nila ako raw si Gloria
sana man lang, “pretty woman” o kaya “girl in magenta.”
palibhasa, sanay ka nang matawag na buwaya.
Cong. Rey Umali:
Ayoko na ng diskusyon
isa ka lang ilusyon!
“Small Lady:”
Ah gano’n?!
Pwes, maglabasan na tayo ng baho ngayon…
Mr. Presiding Officer… I have a manifestation.
Boom!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope.”
~John Buchan
Quote of the Day
“You are gathering evidence by requesting a subpoena from this honorable court. And I warn you that this is going to be fatal error on your part.”
~Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to the prosecution panel
Day 16, Corona Impeachment Trial
Enjoy the rest of the week.
A shout out to everyone at the UP Fair (Diliman & Manila) and the UPLB Feb Fair! Have fun!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
2/20/2012 7:18:00 PM
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COMPLETE THESE impeachment trial-inspired proverbs, idioms, and sayings:
1: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and…
A: … he will live for a week.
B: … he will say thank you.
C: … he will win an impeachment trial.
2: For the prosecution: Necessity is the mother of…
A: … the small lady.
B: … God.
C: … nature.
3: For the defense: Necessity is the mother of…
A: … spokesperson
B: … objection.
C: … justice.
4: For the prosecution: Kapag may tiyaga…
A: … may mapapahiya
B: … may subpoena
C: … may press con
5: Justice delayed is…
A: … Justice Cuevas.
B: … Justice League.
C: … Justice Department.
6: Ang taong nagigipit…
A: … nagdadasal
B: … gastador
C: … kay Senator Drilon kumakapit
7: Kapag may itinanim…
A: … may magsasaka.
B: … may bukirin.
C: … may iwi-withdraw sa mismong araw na-impeach.
8: The proof of the pudding…
A: … is in the SALN.
B: … is in the cooking.
C: … is unclear.
9: An ounce of prevention…
A: … is a defense strategy.
B: … is worth nothing.
C: … is good for the health.
10: If anything can go wrong…
A: … why not?
B: … it’s the doing of the head of the prosecution.
C: … what for?
11: Magpakahaba-haba man ang prusisyon…
A: … prusisyon pa rin.
B: … mapapagod ang birhen.
C: … mauuwi pa rin sa conviction.
12. A little learning is…
A: … dangerous for Senator-judge Lapid.
B: … bliss.
C: … ignorance.
13. It’s better late than...
A. … later.
B. … no evidence at all.
C. … forever.
14: Hell hath no fury like…
A: … hell itself.
B: … a hypertensive female senator-judge.
C: … a talent manager.
15: Magbiro ka na sa lasing…
A: … ‘wag lang sa bading.
B: … ‘wag lang corny.
C: … ‘wag lang kay Bong Revilla
16: Ang lumalakad nang matulin…
A: … poorly crafted ang impeachment complaint
B: … snatcher
C: … naje-jebs..
17: Aanhin mo pa ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay _______,
Mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, nakatira ay tao.
A: … kalbo.
B: … single.
C: … isip-bata.
18: To media men: You are what you…
A: … meet.
B: … re-tweet.
C: … interview.
19: Kung hindi madaan sa santong dasalan…
A: … ipagpamisa na lang.
B: … tirahin sa speeches at mga panayam.
C: … deadmahin.
20. To err is human, to forgive is…
A: … bovine.
B: … to forget.
C: … so not in President Aquino’s vocabulary.
——————————————————————————————————————-
“Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma.”
~Hendrik Willem van Loon
IN THE NEWS NOW…
Pampanga 3rd District Rep. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. has filed House Resolution No. 2140 to appeal to the local TV and movie industry to “minimize, prevent, or stop” depicting congressmen as “villains or crooks” in movies and telenovelas. Simply put, Gonzales is teling movie and TV producers to lie.
A House resolution was recently filed to appeal to the local television and movie industry to stop typecasting congressmen as crooks or villains. The resolution was filed by Paquito Diaz Aurelio Gonzales Jr.
Cong. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting congressmen as crooks. In a related news, a congregation of crocodiles is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting them as congressmen.
Quote of the Day
“My father and mother say the same thing–they would not have achieved what they had achieved if they didn’t find each other. Of course, that’s also what I’m aiming for.”
~President Noynoy Aquino on love and relationship
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Answers:
1C 2A 3B 4B 5A 6C 7C 8A 9A 10B 11C
12A 13B 14B 15C 16A 17ABC 18B 19B 20C
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Leo Beligan
2/22/2012 6:25:00 PM
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FEBRUARY 21 is International Mother Language Day. In belated celebration of this UN-declared observance, I am writing this regular post in Filipino!
Ngayon ay Pebrero 22, 2012 – ang unang araw ng Lent o Kuwaresma. Ash Wednesday pa lamang ngayon pero kahapon pa Biyernes Santo ang mukha ng prosecution panel.
Hindi pinayagan ni Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile na tumestigo sa impeachment trial ni Chief Justice Renato Corona ang vice president for sales ng Philippine Airlines na si Enrique Javier. Flight canceled.
Dismayado ang prosecution panel sa naging pasya ng impeachment court na huwag pagsalitain ang kanilang testigo. Ngunit mas dismayado si Enrique Javier sa naantala niyang TV debut.
Nagpasya ang prosecution panel na idrop na lamang ang ilang alegasyong nakapaloob sa Article III ng impeachment complaint. Hindi naman sinabi ng grupo kung kailan nila ida-drop bilang pinuno si Niel Tupas.
Hinamon ni Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile ang prosekusyon na palitan siya bilang Presiding Officer sa impeachment trial kung hindi sila kuntento sa kanyang mga ruling. Sa ‘di maipaliwanag na dahilan, nakaramdam ng excitement si Senador Edgardo Angara.
Hindi pa rin natutukoy kung sino ang nag-leak sa bank documents ni Chief Justice Renato Corona. Itinanggi na ito ng bangko, itinanggi na ito ng AMLA, itinanggi na ito ng Bangko Sentral. Pwes, imbestigahan ang RA Gapuz Review Center!
Sa ibang balita…
Nag-courtesy call ang Hollywood actor na si Jeremy Renner kay Pangulong Aquino. The Bourne Legacy meets the Burnt Legacy.
Dahil sa nakatakdang arraignment bukas ni Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, hinigpitan na ng pulisya ang seguridad. Sa katunayan, wala na raw mas hihigpit pa rito… maliban na lang sa mukha ni Vicki Belo.
Sa Police Report: Isang lalaki ang inaresto matapos diumanong magnakaw ng pitumpu’t anim na piraso ng bra sa SM San Lazaro. Ayon sa suspek, wala nang gatas ang kanyang anak kaya’t dibdiban ang paghahanap niya ng pera.
Sa Maynila, nagkapasa-pasa ang katawan ng isang beinte-tres anyos na lalaki matapos mapagtripang bugbugin ng isang grupo ng kalalakihan. Hindi pa tiyak kung ang mga suspek ay miyembro ng isang gang o miyembro ng Lambda Rho Beta ng San Beda College.
At sa Showbiz… Mula Amerika ay bumalik sa bansa noong Lunes ang kontrobersyal na celebrity doctor na si Vicki Belo. Tinangka ni Belo na lituhin at pagtaguan ang media sa pamamagitan ng pagsakay sa wheelchair, pagtatalukbong ng kumot, at pagsusuot ng luma niyang mukha.
Sakay ng wheelchair si Vicki Belo nang lumabas ito ng NAIA noong nakaraang Lunes. Marami tuloy ang nagtatanong kung nakakapilay raw ba ang Oedipus Complex.
Mga Tampok na Larawan sa Linggong Ito
Sen. Kiko Pangilinan: Bakit may kopya ka ng love letter ni Presidente kay Grace Lee?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Aba, malay ko bang love letter ito. May maliit na babaeng nag-abot nito sa akin kanina.
Sen. Koko Pimentel: Mga tsismoso!
Sen. Antonio Trillanes: “Dear Blueberry Cheesecake, I hope to… ” BLUEBERRY Cheesecake?!? Ang cheesy ng pucha!
Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: Ate, check mo nga kung anong pinagkakaabalahan ng matanda sa tabi mo.
Sen. Pia Cayetano: Wait, sisimple ako.
Sen. Chiz Escudero: Manong Joker, adjourned na ang trial. Tara na!
Sen. Joker Arroyo: Teka, binabasa ko lang ‘tong psychological records daw ni Noynoy na iniabot sa akin ni Manny.
Sen. Manny Villar: Ang ingay n’yo naman Manong. ‘Di ba sabi ko atin-atin lang muna ‘yan?
Sen. Jinggoy Estrada: Manong, alam n’yo ho ba ang pangalan ng magandang babaeng laging present sa gallery? Masama ang tingin ni Senator Angara eh.
Sen. Joker Arroyo: Naku, may bago pa ba d’yan? Hayaan mo na ang chickboy na ‘yon.
Sen. Frank Drilon: Gago ‘tong dalawang ‘to ah. Pinag-chi-chismisan ang brod ko sa Sigma Rho.
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: ‘Yon ang nabasa ko! Kaya raw hiniwalayan si Hayden Kho, kasi nga may kinalolokohang yoga instructor na mas bata at mas macho.
Sen. Tito Sotto: Sa yaman ni Vicki? Suwerte ‘yong lalaki!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson: In fairness, suwerte rin si Vicki!
Sen. Manny Villar: Bakit ba kailangang hiwalayan pa? ‘Di ba pwedeng double insertion? Joke lang!
Mrs. Cristina Corona: O, bakit umiiyak ka na naman? Ipakita mong hindi ka mahina.
Chief Justice Corona: Eh kasi, plano kong pumunta sa London Olympics. Bigla ba namang kinansela ng PAL ang Platinum Card ko. Ang sakit!
Atty. Judd Roy: Naknampoodle. Na-hack yata ang Twitter account ko. Ayun, pinagpipiyestahan ngayon ng palasyo! Asar!
Justice Cuevas: I’m sorry counsel. But your manifestation is immaterial, irrelevant and impertinent to our case. Teka, ano ba ‘yong Twitter?
Boom!
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LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
~The Cynic’s Dictionary
Quotes of the Day
“The court has already ruled. You are wasting the time of this court. My God! You have to have discipline here! You make allegations and you are going to expand it without making the proper changes in your Article 3.”
~Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile
“Mga kriminal pala sila. Hindi sana pumapatay ng tao ang initiation nila.”
- Hazing victim Marvin Reglos’ father
Enjoy the rest of the week!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
3/2/2012 7:07:00 AM
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LAWYERS
1
03
2012
“All we hear is
lawyers are gaga
lawyers are gago
lawyers are gaga
All we hear is
lawyers are gaga
lawyers are blah blah”
~Lawyers (Inspired by Queen)
I MISSED DAY 26 of the Corona Impeachment Trial because I watched a movie called ‘This Means War.’ I felt like a loser after when I learned that a real war happened inside the impeachment court.
Apparently, senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago used the word “gago” and “mayabang” to describe the prosecution panel. To which, prosecutors protested, “With all due respect, hindi po kami mayabang!”
Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre insists he’s had enough of Senator Santiago’s lectures and criticisms, he opted to cover his ears… which totally surprised everyone who was instead expecting Niel Tupas to cover his face.
The decision of the senator-judges was unanimous. Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre was cited for contempt… for looking like an idiot on nationwide TV.
Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre was cited for contempt for disrespecting a member of the impeachment court. Under the rules, Aguirre may be ordered to pay a fine of 2,000 pesos, imprisoned for no more than 10 days, or forced to listen to “The Best Of Miriam’s Mad Moments Volume 1.”
Vitaliano Aguirre, a volunteer lawyer for the prosecution panel covered his ears while senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago was lecturing the prosecution panel. Aguirre’s gesture of covering his ears while being berated seemed shocking and unusual to everyone… except for his wife.
Top 7 Movie Remakes Starring Vitaliano Aguirre and Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
No. 7: There’s Something About Miriam
No. 6: Wah of the Words
No. 5: Dr. Zhivgago
No. 4: Kung Fu Malag Ka
No. 3: Kahit Contempt Pagtingin
No. 2: The Day the Ear Stood Still
And the No. 1 movie remake starring Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre and Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago…
The Pest and the Furious
Apology
On Thursday, March 1, lawyer Vitaliano Aguirre quit the prosecution panel. He also apologized to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for hurting her feelings. There’s no word yet on whether Santiago will apologize to Aguirre for hurting his eardrum.
Deferred
The International Criminal Court has allowed Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to defer her scheduled March 9 oath-taking at The Hague, Netherlands. And the prosecution panel was like, “Hell, no!”
The ICC has allowed Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to defer her scheduled March 9 oath-taking in the Netherlands. Even the ICC’s afraid of her.
The Bar
Christopher John Lao, the UP Law grad who drove his car into an inundated road last year has passed the bar. His cellphone as well as his Facebook & Twitter timelines were flooded with congratulatory messages.
On Twitter, Chris Lao expressed his gratitude to those who supported & prayed for him. The ecstatic new lawyer thanked everyone… except for GMA News’ Jun Veneracion.
For the first time in 27 years, not a single UP Law grad made it to the list of Top 10 bar passers. And Renato Corona was like, ‘Don’t look at me!”
Rodolfo Aquino, a UP professor who finished law at San Beda Alabang placed 10th. Aquino is 64 years old. He’s the Christopher Plummer of last year’s bar exam.
Peace
Reports say Annabelle Rama and former TV executive Wilma Galvante have kissed and made up. That’s bad news… for their lawyers.
LiLo
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly coming to Manila. Ang susunod na foreign artist ay Rated SPG.
FHM Racist?
I’m sure you’ve seen the alleged “racist” cover of FHM Philippines. Do you know Bela Padilla? Yeah, me neither.
——————————————————–
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
~Albert Einstein
Quotes of the Day
“Nagbibiro ba kayo? In writing na ang compliance n’yo! Pagkatapos, sasabihin ninyo, our case is very strong and we will never want to present evidence? Ang yayabang n’yo! Puro gago naman. Kagaguhan is ground for contempt.”
~Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago
“I did it purposely kasi totoo naman pong shrill ang voice na nasasaktan ang tenga ko. Dapat po ang judges, kahit kami ay hamak lamang na prosecutor dito, ang importante po sa tao ay respeto. Kung nagdi-demand ka ng respeto, dapat ay respetuhin mo rin ang abogado dito. ‘YOng human dignity, wala pong katulad ‘yan.”
~Private prosecutor Vitaliano Aguirre
“The caption was meant for the article and not for the picture.”
~Bela Padilla on her controversial FHM cover
Have a great weekend!
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Leo Beligan
5/9/2012 6:59:00 PM
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FORMER PRESIDENT Joseph Estrada has transferred to his new home in Manila. An hour later, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim was spotted spray-painting the new house with the words, “Hindi taga-Maynila. Huwag tularan.”
Ex-president Joseph Estrada has left his residence in San Juan. Aboard his famous jeep, an emotional Erap was heard shouting, “That’s all Polk!”
Former president Joseph Estrada is preparing for his mayoral bid in Manila. Meanwhile, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is preparing his concession speech to Estrada.
NAIA Brawl
Cebu Pacific released a statement saying it was saddened by the incident at NAIA Terminal 3 last Sunday. The airline has been releasing “saddened” statements for years, it’s officially in a state of depression.
Budget carrier Cebu Pacific explained that a piece of Claudine Barretto’s luggage was offloaded in an effort to shed as much excess weight for the plane to clear the runway. But the airline’s ground crew got a tongue lashing from Claudine when it was revealed later that the original plan was to offload the actress.
Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto filed a case against journalist Ramon Tulfo at the Pasay City Prosecutor’s Offfice. Curious court employees left their tables to catch a glimpse of the celebrity couple. Surprisingly, nobody dared to use a cellphone to take photos of them.
The good news is TV5 has suspended brothers Erwin, Raffy, and Ben Tulfo for their “uncalled for” behavior on live TV last Monday. The bad news: They now have plenty of time to hunt down Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto.
Outspoken Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz advised Ramon Tulfo, Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto to settle their conflict diplomatically. Tulfo, Santiago and Barreto advised the bishop to keep his opinion to himself.
Senatorial aspirant and incumbent Zambales Rep. Mitos Magsaysay released a statement saying the Tulfo/Santiago/Barretto NAIA brawl could discourage tourists from traveling to the country… while similar “papansin” statements from politicians could discourage Filipinos from electing them to the Senate.
This just in: Iraq has been named the most dangerous place in the world today. In second place was NAIA Terminal 3.
Freudian Slip?
A news anchor for China Central Television stated on live TV that the Philippines is “China’s inherent territory and the Philippines belongs to Chinese sovereignty.” Oh, I see! Now that explains why the sari-sari store owner gave me 25 yuan as change this morning.
He Jia, a news anchor for China Central Television accidentally stated on live TV that the Philippines was a Chinese territory. My gad! She just revealed Beijing’s sinister plan! Prepare for war!
Loren on Politics & Love
Sen. Loren Legarda says she’s no longer interested in running for higher office. To which, ‘higher office’ said, “Thank you.”
Asked by ABS-CBN News if she’d go out with younger men, Sen. Loren Legarda said, “I’m not a cougar.” Tell us something we don’t know.
Actor/Pol in Trouble
Actor and incumbent Quezon City Councilor Roderick Paulate is facing administrative and criminal charges for allegedly hiring “ghost employees.” Avid supporters of Paulate came to his defense though, and promised the actor, “We’ll never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Together, forever!”
Suspended
Controversial radio host Mohan Gumatay aka Mo Twister was suspended by Magic 89.9 for starting the “objectionable” hashtag #charicepempengcosextape on Twitter. A repentant Gumatay is expected to upload an emotional apology to Charice on YouTube.
Mo Twister has been suspended for starting the offensive hashtag #charicepempengcosextape on Twitter. In totally unrelated news, Rhian Ramos is throwing a party. #walaLang #GustoLangNiya
———————————
“We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.”
~Aesop
Quotes Quiz: Who said…
[1] “I was a virgin until I was 26 years old!”
A: Annabelle Rama
B: President Aquino
C: Amalia Fuentes
D: Cong. Jules Ledesma
[2] “Ipagdasal mo, hijo de p*ta ka! Huwag lang tayong magkita sa mall, ipagdasal mo iyan. Tumirik ka ng kandila mula ngayon, huwag mag-krus ang landas natin, p*tang-i*a ka!”
A: Ben Tulfo
B: Raffy Tulfo
C: Erwin Tulfo
D: P*tang-i*a! Eh hindi naman ako nanonood ng p*tang-in*ang show nila eh, paano ko malalaman hijo de p*ta ka!?!
You Have Spoken
Sa naganap na NAIA 3 brawl, sinong dapat sisihin?
-’Yong mag-asawang Barretto-Santiago at si Tulfo. Dapat may kontrol sila. They’re public figures. 43.4%
- Cebu Pacific’s poor service. 29.43%
- Wala akong pakialam. Busy ako. 27.17%
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Popong
5/10/2012 4:41:00 PM
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Atty. Leo, mabalin tumakawak kadagitoy dadduma nga post mo ditoy....kursunadak ngamin hehehe.
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Popong
5/10/2012 4:42:00 PM
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Atty. Leo, mabalin tumakawak kadagitoy dadduma nga post mo ditoy....kursunadak ngamin hehehe.
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Leo Beligan
5/11/2012 7:50:00 PM
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ok latta basta iyatribute ken ni Professional Heckler Loi Landicho.
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Popong Eugenio Pascua
5/12/2012 7:05:00 AM
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Ok, salamat Atty!....kaano tayo mapan fishing Atty?
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Leo Beligan
5/12/2012 9:12:00 AM
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mangplano ka ti maysa nga week-end to mapantayo agfishing. Dr. kwak sumurot ka ?
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abigail
5/13/2012 8:38:00 PM
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HE JIA, a news anchor for China Central Television declared that the Philippines was “China’s inherent territory and the Philippines belongs to Chinese sovereignty.” What’s your take on the issue?
Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Objection! No basis!
President Aquino: Walang lamangan. Walang pagnanakaw. Walang wangwang!
Chief Justice Corona: ‘Yan ay malinaw na pakikialam at pagyurak sa independence ng Pilipinas. Hinding-hindi titigil ang ating mga kalaban hangga’t ‘di nila tayo napapabagsak.
Ramon Tulfo: Pilit nga nilang inaagaw eh. Hindi naman ako papayag na kunin nila.
TV5: We will take the issue to court!
Cebu Pacific: We are saddened by this latest development.
What do you wanna tell He Jia?
Cong. Niel Tupas: I submit.
Erwin Tulfo: Saksakan ka ng sinungaling! Huwag na ‘wag kang pupunta ng Pilipinas dahil ‘pag nagpang-abot tayo sa NAIA, tatamaan at tatamaan ka sa akin pati na rin ang asawa mo!
Raffy Tulfo: Sinuwerte lang kayo dahil ang dami n’yo. Hijo de p*ta ka! Tumirik ka na ng kandila mula ngayon, idasal mong ‘wag mag-krus ang landas natin. Put*ng-i*a ka!
Ben Tulfo: Binabangga ko mga kriminal, mga mamamatay-tao, pero kung gusto mo, malaking warehouse na sarado, maga-antay ang mga ambulansya, last man standing, walang lalabas sa loob, magsasara tayo ng pinto, titingnan ko ang galing mo! Tandaan mo ‘to!
Miriam Quiambao: That’s a lie from the devil!
Raymart Santiago: ‘Yong pag-angkin n’yo sa ilang isla sa Spratlys, mapapalagpas ko ‘yon eh. Pero ‘yong iclaim n’yo na pati Pilipinas, pag-aari n’yo, hindi ko matatanggap ‘yon. Na-trauma nga ang mga anak ko nang marinig ‘yan eh.
Claudine Barreto: Kaya nga ilabas n’yo ang mapa. ‘Yong mapa! ‘Yan lang ang makakapagpatunay kung sino talaga ang nagsasabi ng totoo.
Kris Aquino: No comment na lang ako. Promise. Baka sabihin ni Ate Ballsy, “Krissy, nakikialam ka na naman!” So quiet na lang ako. ‘K.
In Other News
NEDA Director General Cayetano Paderanga Jr. reportedly resigned due to personal reasons… otherwise known as “fired.”
Suspended
After hurling threats and invectives on live television last week, TV 5 suspended the Tulfo brothers from appearing on their public affairs show. The program has since been reclassified from SPG to General Patronage.
War Mode?
Amid the Scarborough Shoal standoff, China has reportedly shifted to ‘war mode’ and is prepared to deploy its military units. Not to be outdone, the Philippines is prepared to deploy the Tulfo brothers.
Alone Again?
Persistent rumors have it that President Aquino and Grace Lee have called it quits after four months of dating. People were shocked. They never expected them to last that long.
Best Time
According to a study, the best time to post or share a link on Facebook is between 1PM and 4PM on Wednesdays – while the best time to share a link on Friendster is never.
Photo of the Week
People are talking about the controversial cover of TIME magazine. A number of readers, including Filipinos were offended by the sight of an almost four-year-old boy sucking on his mom’s breast. The only thing more offensive was the sight of Claudine Barretto on top of Ramon Tulfo.
A survey showed 60 percent of women were offended by the TIME magazine cover… while 90 percent of men wish they were the boy.
I’m not sure if you’ll agree but that cover sucks.
Slogans
US President Obama has unveiled a new slogan: ‘Forward.’ President Aquino, meanwhile will not change his slogan: ‘Previous.’
Headline of the Week
Congratulations ABS-CBN News for sharing with us this exclusive, breaking story in the service of the Filipino people!
“Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness. No one deserves to be bullied.”
~Barack Obama
Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“I did not ask his age, it did not matter to me. Besides, he looked young. I was really blinded with love. I also told him I will not continue this relationship without love.”
A: Zsa Zsa Padilla on Dolphy
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.
C: Flight attendant Rowena Lopez on Joseph Estrada
D: Loren Legarda on Tony Leviste
You Have Spoken
If you were from Manila, who would you probably vote for mayor next year?
-Joseph Estrada 12.55%
-Alfredo Lim 20.3%
-Thank goodness, I’m not from Manila! 67.16%
Have a productive week ahead!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Answer to Quotes Quiz:
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.
SIAK MAN TI MANGITULOY AWAN SAN NI TORNI WITH PERMISSION FROM LOI LANDCIHO
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Leo Beligan
5/15/2012 5:55:00 PM
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BREAKING: Below is the Devil’s official statement with regard to the recent developments in the Corona Impeachment Trial.
“Mainit na pagbati sa inyong lahat! Ako ay labis na nalulungkot sa pangyayaring ito sa Senado.
Nitong mga nakaraang buwan ay tinangka kong itago ang multimilyong dolyares ni Chief Justice Renato Corona sa publiko at lalung-lalo na sa impeachment court. Gayunman, ako ay nabigo.
I’m still in a state of shock. Naghahanap pa rin ako ng kasagutan. Bakit kailangang ipatawag at iharap ng Depensa sa paglilitis ang matandang babaeng ‘yan? To say that I’m upset is an understatement! Gusto kong pumatay.
With defense lawyers like that, who needs the prosecution?
To Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales, you ARE pathetic! Ang tanda-tanda mo na, nagpapagamit ka pa sa kabutihan! Eeew. Magtirik ka na ng kandila! Ipagdasal mong huwag tayong magkasalubong sa mall, sa NAIA, sa Korte Suprema, o sa Serendra, tatamaan at tatamaan ka sa akin!
Ngunit hindi rito nagtatapos ang laban. Hindi ako susuko. Gagawa ako ng paraan upang lituhin ang publiko sa mga susunod na araw. Tatapatan ko ang PowerPoint report na ‘yan ng Audio-Visual Presentation in 3D! Lintek lang ang walang ganti!
Hate hate hate,
The Devil
P.S. Kinumpirma rin kahapon ni Derek Ramsey na break na sila ni Angelica Panganiban. At least, hindi ako na-zero for the day. Love is overrated! You guys made the right decision. Yehey!
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales revealed that Chief Justice Renato Corona had 82 accounts in five banks with at least 10 million dollars in “transactional balances.” Corona has since denied the allegations saying the accounts belonged to his younger brother, Iggy Corona.
Citing evidence from the Anti-Money Laundering Council (AMLC), the Ombudsman revealed that Chief Justice Corona had 82 US dollar accounts with at least $10 million in bank deposits. And all he could afford were leaking condo units??
According to AMLC, Chief Justice Renato Corona had 82 dollar accounts. And in a shocking turn of events, China declared it owned those dollar accounts!
CJ Corona’s Official Statement
(And what he REALLY wanted to say)
The initial testimony of the Honorable Ombudsman is quite unfortunate, if not very malicious.
(Midas and I were about to have our merienda yesterday afternoon when I saw her on TV. Nawalan ako ng gana. Hindi ako nakakain.)
I don’t know how she came up with her own mathematical equation.
(She doesn’t even know how to use MS Word, how was she able to come up with a PowerPoint presentation? Dubious!)
She made a hodgepodge out of the accounts, making her numbers chaotic.
(Pucha, paano nila na-discover ‘yon?)
The number of accounts alone is at best ridiculous.
(It’s not 82. It’s 81, morons!)
Her PowerPoint diagram is a lantern of lies which only messed up her presentation, contrary to what some believe now as damning evidence.
(Nalito ako sa dami ng graphics. Ang gulo pa ng isip ko habang pinanapanood ang testimony. Na-confuse tuloy ako.)
Either she does not know what she is talking about, or is purposely misleading the Impeachment Court and the public.
(Alam kong malaki ang inggit mo sa akin dahil ‘di ka na-appoint na Chief Justice. But come on, ‘di ka pa rin ba nakaka-move on?)
Is she even privy to how the AMLC arrived at the bloated numbers?
(“Bloated” I have to use this term. Mahirap na. Baka kapag sinabi kong I have NO dollar accounts, lalo akong madiin.)
We will debunk all her bloated numbers.
(Again, “debunk.” I didn’t say “deny.”)
And once she is proven wrong, I urge her to immediately resign from her post for allowing herself to be used by this Administration and making a laughingstock of “government auditing.”
(Magsama-sama tayo sa impyerno.)
Indeed, this is another LRA hoax!
(I wish! So help me God.)
In Other News…
President Aquino joked that he would consider joining the priesthood in 2016. Ok, we get it. You’re single again.
The President said he’d probably become a priest in 2016. Let’s see:
Single: Check!
Enjoys the company of kids: Check!
Loves fancy cars: Check.
Ok, you can be a priest!
Senator Loveliness?
Actress and incumbent Parañaque City Councilor Alma Moreno is reportedly running for senator next year under Lakas-CMD. I don’t know which was more shocking: that Alma Moreno’s running or that Lakas-CMD’s still existing.
Gay Prexy
Reacting to reports that President Obama supports same sex union, Manny Pacquiao said, “Leviticus 20:13: If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” To which Obama replied, “Hebrew 13:4 Marriage must be respected by all and husband and wife faithful to each other. God will punish the immoral and the adulterous! Period!”
Following his recent statement supporting gay marriage, US President Barack Obama was named “the first gay president” by Newsweek magazine. Miriam Pacquiao Quiambao is disappointed.
——————————–
“A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“We are back to where we started. This is to prove that our party is still alive. We are not politically dead.”
A: Sen. Bong Revilla of Lakas-CMD
B: Sen. Manuel Villar of the Nacionalista Party
C: Sen. Loren Legarda of the Nationalist People’s Coalition
D: Ex-Pres. Joseph Estrada of the Partido ng Masang Pilipino
iGuess
A popular lawmaker is reportedly dating a young actress. They’d actually make a beautiful couple. Hint: Combine lawmaker’s initials and you get a woman’s name mentioned in an OPM. Young actress’ initials? A school subject.
Enjoy the rest of the week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Quotes Quiz Answer:
A: Bong Revilla of Lakas
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abigail
5/18/2012 8:55:00 PM
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Half-Filipina Jessica Sanchez is through to the finalé of American Idol Season 11. Two weeks back, Manny Pacquiao declared that she would win the title “in Jesus’ name.” I hope Pacman was not misquoted. Good luck Jessica!
“Ako ay natutuwa at nagpupugay sa tagumpay ng kababayan nating si Jessica Sanchez. Ang kanyang talento ay tunay na ikinararangal nating lahat. Nawa’y makamit niya ang titulo sa susunod na linggo. Karangalan siya ng ating bansa. Mabuhay ka Jessica!”
~ (Insert politician’s name here)
ANONYMOUS, an impeachment trial regular granted this blog a quick interview via Facebook chat. But ‘Anonymous’ remains evasive despite his/her newfound fame. Here are excerpts from the exclusive conversation.
Kumusta ka na?
Heto, malihim pa rin.
Sino ka ba talaga?
Secreeeet.
Sige, kung ayaw mong ‘pakilala, ano na lang ang gender mo?
Depende. Minsan, nag-aanyong small lady ako. Minsan naman, presidente ng bangko. Depende talaga sa sitwasyon eh. At depende sa kukuha ng serbisyo ko.
Saan ka ba nakatira?
Depende rin. Pero lately, napapadalas ako sa mga gate.
Gate nino?
Depende pa rin. Pwedeng gate ng kongresista o kaya gate ng civil society leader. Walang permanente eh.
Last Wednesday, galit na galit sa ‘yo si Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Nabulyawan tuloy si Harvey Keh. Anong reaksyon mo?
Naloka nga ako kay senadora. Talak nang talak. For a brief moment, akala ko a-appear si Mon Tulfo to take photos. ‘Buti na lang, wala siya sa Senado. Otherwise, baka may naganap na namang bugbugan. Kaloka.
“Naloka” ka? A-ha! Babae ka ‘no?
Secreeet!
Ipapadampot ka raw ni Senator Santiago sa PNP at AFP.
Ha-ha-ha Bakit? May ideya ba sila sa hitsura ko? Eh ‘yun ngang Palparan at Joel Reyes na nasa diyaryo halos araw-araw ang mukha, ‘di nila mahuli-huli, ako pa kaya? Isang malaking good luck!
Marami ka raw alam tungkol sa bank accounts ni Chief Justice Corona? Saan mo ba kinuha ‘yong mga impormasyon na ‘yon?
Depends. Iba’t iba ang source ko eh.
Are these verified sources?
Depends.
Anong depends? Either your sources are credible or not!
I will not rely on dubious sources! Your assertion is totally baseless.
You are now arguing with the blogger/interviewer!
I’m sorry. Mea culpa.
Apology accepted!
Noted.
Noted your face! Sumasagot-sagot ka pa! Gusto mo talaga ikaw ang may last word. Now, let me reform my question. Kilala mo ba si Congressman Umali, si Harvey Keh o si Bolet Banal?
No.
Kung ‘di ka nila kilala, bakit tumanggap sila ng envelope mula sa ‘yo?
I am not competent to answer that question.
Sinungaling!
Kung ‘di ka pala naniniwala sa akin, eh ‘di tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to!
Again, you’re arguing with the interviewer/blogger!
I’m sorry. Mea culpa again.
Apology accepted again at ‘wag kang maka-noted-noted dahil hindi ka si Kiko Pangilinan!
‘K.
Any final message sa mga nagbabasa ng panayam na ito…
Mga kababayan, unawain po ninyo kung bakit hindi ako makalantad. Kailangan ko ng seguridad. Ayokong ma-Alfred Mendiola alias Bading. Sa tamang panahon, malalaman n’yo rin ang tunay kong katauhan.
Siguro bading ka rin ‘no?
Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
Homophobic! Humanda ka sa LGBT!
Oh, I’m sorry. Mea culpa.
Apology accepted.
Nota! I mean, noted!
-End of Interview-
From the Tabloids!
PNoy at Grace Lee, friends na lang
> Katulad ng inaasahan
PNoy kay CJ: Walang personalan
> Silang dalawa, ‘di ba pwedeng magkaibigan?
Pacman hinamon ng suntukan ng mga beki
> Ah ito talaga, ‘di pwedeng friends
Pagbatikos ni Manny sa mga bakla, oks sa CBCP
> The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Pacquiao: Hindi ako galit sa mga bading
> CBCP nawalan ng kakampi
Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> Ayaw nila; takot sila kay Pacquiao
Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> DepEd secretary pumalag
$12M ni Corona ‘di kasinungalingan – Ombudsman
> Baka “gawa ng demonyo?”
Kulang sa sukat, puwedeng mag-pulis
> Sukat ng t’yan?
Dahil sa titig, sekyu patay
> If looks could kill, it will
Turistang Intsik sa PH, pinauuwi na ng China
> ‘Yong mga drug traffickers na Intsik, isama n’yo na!
Claudine, handang bigyan ng ‘psychological treatment’ ng Gabriela
> Psychologically ill s’ya?
Ex-PGMA magpapasuri sa puso
> Nagli-leak ulit? Ooops, puso pala. Akala ko s*so. Mea culpa
Batas vs premature campaigning ikakasa
>Bong, Chiz, Cynthia Villar at Joel Villanueva ng Tesda, naalarma
Good News: Ate Shawie, ‘di na napipikong tawaging balyena
> Bad News: Mga balyena, napikon nang tawaging Shawie!
Helen Gamboa, takot sampalin si Susan (Roces)
> Si Sharon na lang daw, pwede?
Bong, pinayuhan si Alma sa pagpasok sa Senado
> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi, walang bait sa sarili
Lani Mercado, ‘di tatakbong senador
> Thank you!
Alma Moreno tatakbong senador
> No, thanks.
(Thanks to Remate, Abante Tonite, Abante, Hataw, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pinoy Parazzi)
———————————————-
“The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.”
~ Marla Maples
Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“Final three na! Go Jessica Sanchez! Make our country proud! Meanwhile, if CJ Corona testifies truthfully, final episode na rin… ”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Miro Quimbo
C: Cong. Erin Tañada
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda
Have a great weekend!
SIAK MET TI MANGIPIGKET LOI LANDICHO
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cirenia
6/7/2012 8:06:00 PM
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WHAT’S YOUR MIX?
7
06
2012
Malacañang: 50% Samar and 50% Balay
President Aquino: 50% Roxas and 50% Binay
Vice President Binay: 50% Erap and 50% Noynoy
Sen. Franklin Drilon: 100% Ramos 100% Erap 100% GMA 100% Noynoy (Overweight)
Cong. Jules Ledesma: 50% Man
Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: 50% Woman
Senate President Enrile: 50% Politics and 50% Paleolithic
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: 50% Lecture and 50% Public Humiliation
Atty. Serafin Cuevas: 50% Explanation and 50% Objection
Sen. Manny Villar: 30% Dagat ng basura 30% Gitna ng kalsada and 40% Weh?
Sec. Leila De Lima: 50% Filipina and 50% Peruvian
Sen. Ralph Recto: 88% Lipeño (Lipa City) and 12% EVATeño
Former Cong. Prospero Pichay: 50% Human and 50% Vegetable
Sec. Ronald Llamas: 50% Political Adviser 25% Shooter and 25% Film Reviewer
Former Senator Jamby Madrigal: (‘Wag na lang ‘to)
Sen. Gringo Honasan: 60% Lawmaker and 40% Coup Plotter
Sen. Chiz Escudero: 100% Single
Cong. Niel Tupas: 50% Ilonggo and 50% Ilong
Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. 90% Comelec and 10% UP Pep
Sen. Lito Lapid: 50% Kapampangan and 50% Kamangmangan
Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa: 50% Workaholic and 50% Alcoholic
Cong. Manny Pacquiao: 50% Boxer and 50% Preacher
Sen. Jinggoy Estrada: 50% Fat and 50% Air
Atty. Midas Marquez: 50% Korte Suprema and 50% Renato Corona
Former Mayor Lito Atienza: 50% Manilan and 50% Hawaiian
Manny Pangilinan: 100% Kapatid
Jinkee Pacquiao: 50% Filipina and 50% Siyensya
Claudine Barretto: 50% Artista and 50% Karatista
Ramon Tulfo: 50% Sumbungan and 50% Bugbugan
Toni Gonzaga: 50% Lady and 50% Gaga
Sharon Cuneta: 50% Singing and 50% Breathing
Kris Aquino: 25% Acting and 75% Screaming
How about you? What’s your mix?
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“No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them”
~ Elie Wiesel
Bayo Ad
Here’s a confession. I wasn’t THAT offended by the alleged racism in the ad. What was more offensive was the grammar. Check this out!
Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“Anong kasalanan ng mga bata? That’s why there’s no hatred in my heart as far as they are concerned but much hatred for their mothers, because they knew and they were aware of what they were doing.” (Via Sunday Inquirer Magazine)
A: Susan Roces
B: Loi Ejercito
C: Lani Mercado
D: Gina Alajar
OFW Day
June 7 is National Migrant Workers’ Day. Mabuhay ang masisipag na Pinoy sa lahat ng panig ng mundo.
Have a great weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Notes:
1) The Bayo ad parody featuring the great actor Bernardo Bernardo became viral Wednesday. Kudos to the person who created it!
2) Quotes Quiz Answer: Susan Roces
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Comments : 23 Comments »
Tags: Bayo "What's your mix" campaign, philippine society and politics, professional heckler
Categories : Hodgepodge
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BUSY WEEK
5
06
2012
BREAKING: The Transit of Venus happened earlier today. The phenomenon happens when the planet passes directly between the sun and the Earth. This will be the last Transit of Venus of the century. The previous century’s Transit of Venus happened in 1882 and it was witnessed by the very young Juan Ponce Enrile and the even younger Serafin Cuevas.
IT’S A VERY BUSY week for President Aquino. I’m not forcing you to believe me but it looks like it.
President Aquino will visit London, Washington DC, and Los Angeles. The working visits are expected to boost the country’s security, the Philippine economy, and his State of the Nation Address.
The President is in London right now. He met with British Prime Minister David Cameron who brought with him the person closest to his heart, his wife Samantha Sheffield. Not to be outdone, President Aquino brought with him DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas.
The President is also expected to see American Idol Season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez in Los Angeles. It’s the highly anticipated meet-up between today’s most popular & respected Filipino, and President Aquino.
Noy & Rene
Interviewed live on TV Patrol, President Aquino described Renato Corona as “(ang) mukha ng mali sa hudikatura.” But the interview got a little awkward when he described Niel Tupas as “(ang) mukha ng tama sa lehislatura.”
SB’s GF
House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says he’d rather reveal his girlfriend than make public the details of his SALN… to the utter disappointment of President Aquino who couldn’t accept the fact Belmonte’s got a girlfriend.
Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.
School Opening
Classes in public schools have resumed. And you know classes are officially back when the rain begins to fall; you see groups of kids in uniform, and the DPWH starts making road repairs.
Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes
No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala na ring chalk.”
No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Si John Lloyd ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay sina Angelica at Derek?”
No. 3: “Pasensya! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor eh. Parating daw ang malakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na. Hala, umuwi na kayo!”
No. 2: “Girls, boys… dating gawi. Section A sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra!”
And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…
“Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng The Avengers? Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”
Lawmaker Sha
Sharon Cuneta tweeted that Senators Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Jinggoy Estrada “want” her to run for senator. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the two lawmakers.
Overseas
In London… Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th year on the throne. In 2046, the Binays will celebrate theirs in Makati City.
In Florida… A 34-year-old woman attacked her 27-year-old boyfriend for refusing to have sex with her. President Aquino described the victim as stupid.
In Egypt… former President Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison. Still pending before the courts is a tax evasion case against his eldest son, Mikey Mubarak.
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“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle
Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“On the Senate impeachment vote, in the end, history will judge us.”
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
C: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
D: Sen. Bongbong Marcos
Enjoy the rest of the week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Quotes Quiz Answer:
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cirenia
6/7/2012 8:08:00 PM
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nakaturog ni apong torni, siakon ti mangi-post. THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER; MR LANDICHO: 100% ILOKANO
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Leo Beligan
6/15/2012 8:45:00 PM
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The Professional Heckler
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TYPHOONS!
Posted: 14 Jun 2012 11:27 PM PDT
IT’S THAT TIME of the year again. Typhoons, floods, landslides, and of course, road repairs. To guide the public, the Philippine Atmospheric Geopolitical and Astronomical Services Administration released the list of “new” typhoons. Everyone is expected to take all precautionary measures to prevent loss of lives and property. You’ve been warned!
Bagyong Koko
Nauna siyang pumasok sa Philippine Area of Responsibility. Ngunit nang dumating ang isa pang sama ng panahon, si Bagyong Migz, nagbanta siyang lilisanin ang Pilipinas upang lumipat sa ibang lugar. Sa huling bulletin ng PAG-ASA, stationary lamang siya, ayaw mag-move on.
Bagyong Migz Zubiri
Minsan na ring nanalasa ngunit naudlot dahil sa pagsikat ng araw. Nagbabantang bumalik.
Bagyong Pacquiao
Puwedeng daanin sa dasal.
Bagyong Erap
Namataan ang pagkilos pakanluran, hilagang kanluran ng San Juan. Inaasahang mananalasa sa lungsod ng Maynila sa susunod na taon.
Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Walang masyadong ulan pero mag-ingat ka sa kanyang kulog. Pikon ‘yon. Baka patulan ka.
Bagyong Antonio Carpio
Kahit tatahi-tahimik ang bagyong ito, marami ang nangangamba sakaling tuluyan siyang mag-landfall.
Bagyong Binay
May mga kabuntot na kamag-anak na bagyo. Hindi sila umaalis sa puwesto. Mahigit dalawang dekada nang nananalanta.
Bagyong Noynoy
Masamang magalit ang bagyong ito. Nakikipagsabwatan sa hangin, baha, at landslides upang maanod palayo ang kinamumuhiang tao.
Bagyong Lito Lapid
Magdamag na pinaghahandaan dahil sa inaasahang pananalanta. Walang nangyaring gano’n. Konting ulan, konting hangin, konting kulog at kidlat. In fairness, na-appreciate ng mga tao ang kanyang kahinaan.
Bagyong Ronald Llamas
Kahit murahin pa siya ng tao, at kahit ilang ulit na siyang nanalanta, hindi pa rin natitinag sa pwesto. Sobrang lakas lang ng bagyong ito.
Bagyong Tupas
Nang unang mamataan ng satellite ay inakalang malakas na bagyo. Ambon lang pala.
Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Pasuray-suray sa kanyang dadaanan.
Bagyong GMA
Mula sa pagiging ‘supertyphoon’ (Signal No. 4), ibinaba na siya sa kategoryang ‘simple weather disturbance.’ Gayunman, napakalaki ng iniwan nitong damage sa sampung taong pananalanta.
Bagyong Enrile
Mag-ingat sa nakaambang pagguho ng lupa.
Bagyong Lacson
Magugulat na lang ang lahat sa biglaang pananalanta. Hindi kasi siya visible sa anumang satellite. Mahusay magtago ang bagyong ito.
Bagyong Miriam
Nagngangalit na panahon ang dala niya. Tatamaan ka ng kanyang kidlat kung tatanga-tanga ka.
Bagyong Sharon
Masyadong moody ang bagyong ito. Good luck sa mga dadaanang lugar.
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“When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.”
~Alice Hoffman
Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!
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cirenia
6/27/2012 3:35:00 PM
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This is something to think about; no matter what party you support.
A LAWYER WITH A BRIEFCASE CAN STEAL MORE THAN A THOUSAND MEN WITH GUNS.
This is very interesting! I never thought about it this way.
The Lawyers' Party,
By Bruce Walker
The Democratic Party has become the Lawyers Party.
Barack Obama is a lawyer. Michelle Obama is a lawyer.
Hillary Clinton is a lawyer. Bill Clinton is a lawyer.
John Edwards is a lawyer. Elizabeth Edwards was a lawyer.
Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate).
Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school.
Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in Congress:
Harry Reid is a lawyer. Nancy Pelosi is a lawyer.
The Republican Party is different.
President Bush is a businessman.
Vice President Cheney is a businessman.
The leaders of the Republican Revolution:
Newt Gingrich was a history professor.
Tom Delay was an exterminator. Dick Armey was an economist.
House Minority Leader Boehner was a plastic manufacturer.
The former Senate Majority Leader Bill First is a heart surgeon.
Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer? Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against Ronald Reagan in 1976.
The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work, who are often the targets of lawyers.
The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers. Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Bush and Cheney, or who heal the sick, like First, or who immerse themselves in history, like Gingrich. The Lawyers Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America .. And, so we have seen the procession of official enemies, in the eyes of the Lawyers Party, grow.
Against whom do Hillary and Obama rail?....Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals, manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses, bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation. This is the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of lawyers. Lawyers solve problems by successfully representing their clients, in this case the American people. Lawyers seek to have new laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their side.
Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine. But it is an awful way to govern a great nation. When politicians as lawyers begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as opposing parties, then the role of the legal system in our life becomes all-consuming. Some Americans become adverse parties of our very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social class-action suit. We are citizens of a republic that promises us a great deal of freedom from laws, from courts, and from lawyers.
Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent lawyers in all parts of our once private lives. America has a place for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not vast and unchecked. When the most important decision for our next president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of lawyers and the law in America is too big.
When House Democrats sue America in order to hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to us, then the role of litigation in America has become crushing.
Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that more lawyers with more power will only make our problems worse.
The United States has 5% of the world’s population and 66% of the world’s lawyers! Tort (Legal) reform legislation has been introduced in congress several times in the last several years to limit punitive damages in ridiculous lawsuits such as spilling hot coffee on yourself and suing the establishment that sold it to you and also to limit punitive damages in huge medical malpractice lawsuits. This legislation has continually been blocked from even being voted on by the Democrat Party. When you see that 97% of the political contributions from the American Trial Lawyers Association go to the Democrat Party, then you realize who is responsible for our medical and product costs being so high!
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Leo Beligan
6/28/2012 10:27:00 PM
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FLIPTOP AND POLITICS REDUX
Posted: 27 Jun 2012 08:04 PM PDT
Match No. 1: Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim vs. Vice Mayor Isko Moreno
Isko Moreno:
Puro ka banta, puro ka dadâ
Tinotopak ka na ba tanda?
It’s so obvious: kabado kang tunay
Pati kami trip mong ipapatay
Bang!
Mayor Lim:
Saksakan ka talaga ng bobo
Palibhasa utak-basurero
‘Di mo kasi gets ang figure of speech
Kung maka-react ka, para kang bitch!
Isko Moreno:
Your days are numbered d’yan sa city hall
‘Wawa ka naman, you’re about to fall
Erap at Isko: sure na balakid
Ang bagsak mo lolo sa home for the aged!
Mayor Lim:
‘Wag over confident sa ‘yong partner
May kaso pa ‘yan, remember Dacer?
And please tigilan mo ang ‘yong pa-tweetums
City Hall ito, hindi Master Showman!
Match No. 2: Sen. Koko Pimentel vs. ex-Sen. Migz Zubiri
Koko Pimentel:
Kapal ng mukha mo, lumayas ka rito
This is MY party, do’n ka kay Arroyo
‘Wag ka ngang umastang ika’y super linis
Your image is tarnished, balat mo ma’y makinis!
Migz Zubiri:
Ba’t pati skin ko’y pinag-iinitan mo na rin
‘Di ko naman fault kung gifted ka with melanin
That issue of cheating is so 2007
Nag-move on na sina KC at Piolo, mag-move ka na rin!
Koko Pimentel:
Hindi! Hindi pwede! Umamin ka muna
Lumuhod ka sa akin, humingi ng pasensya!
Isang buong term ang inagaw mo sa akin
Malaki-laki rin ang nawalang pork barrel!
Migz Zubiri:
May basbas ako ni Erap, manigas ka na lang
Kung ayaw mo sa akin, do’n ka sa Liberal
At ba’t ako luluhod? Ma-chismis pa tayo!
I will not do that! Ano ako? Bading? Hellooo!?!?
In Other News
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed a drop in the number of Filipinos who consider themselves poor and hungry. In totally unrelated news, President Aquino’s SONA is coming soon.
A self-rated poverty survey conducted by the SWS showed 51 percent of Filipinos consider themselves poor. The rest are in denial.
Richest
According to Forbes, GMA 7 executives Gilberto R. Duavit Jr. and Felipe L. Gozon are the 26th and 32nd richest Filipino today. ABS-CBN’s Gabby Lopez did not make the cut this year although he ranked second in another survey conducted by Kantar.
Mall magnate Henry Sy is still the Philippines’ richest for 2012 with an estimated fortune of 9.1 billion dollars… which leads me to the question: why can’t SM malls hire the services of a better security agency?
Ruffa Resigns
Ruffa Gutierrez has resigned from her showbiz-oriented talk show on TV5. ‘k.
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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“sana daw tinamaan na lang daw si mirriam ng kidlat. nasaan ka kidlat?”
A: Cong. Sherwin Gatchalian
B: Juana Change
C: Cong. Boyet Gonzales
D: Richard Gomez
Elsewhere
Rappler: What some of the richest Filipinos have in common
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Quotes Quiz. Answer: D
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Leo Beligan
7/2/2012 9:28:00 PM
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IMELDA MARCOS turned 83 today, July 2. She’s still very active and full of energy. She’s showing no signs of slowing down despite her age. In fact, she’s reportedly seeking a fresh term as a congresswoman next year. Her campaign slogan: “The shoe must go on!”
Former First Lady Imelda Marcos has reached another milestone. She’s now 83 years old. People are suspecting stem cell, a costly diet, and formaldehyde.
Top 10 Baseless, Lesser Known Facts About The Former First Lady
No. 10: Her first romantic kiss was Ninoy Aquino.
No. 9: Imelda’s feet are longer at night. Hence, the two sets of footwear.
No. 8: The ratio of her shoes to her panties is 1:8. Her panties are all black.
No. 7: She gave birth to all her children via C-section because “Only Ferdinand Marcos has the right to see my Venus flytrap.
No. 6: Her family in Leyte was so poor, she was forced to drop from grade school to try her luck as a coin diver for three months.
No. 5: She has rhytiphobia, the irrational fear of wrinkles. She strips naked and screams when she notices one on her face.
No. 4: When President Marcos was sexually-linked to American B-movie actress Dovie Beams, a jealous Imelda installed a microchip in his nape to monitor his movements. He was told about it only minutes before he passed away in 1989.
No. 3: To not lose ‘contact’ with her husband, Imelda and her children would often conduct a séance in the family’s mausoleum in Ilocos Norte.
No. 2: She is totally bald. Her wig takes her 12 hours to fix everyday.
And the No. 1 baseless, lesser known fact about Imelda Marcos…
She wears her favorite terno in bed – every single night.
In Other News…
President Aquino is still working on the first draft of his State of the Nation Address. In 2010, his SONA was 14-page long. This year, 14 pages alone will be devoted to Renato Corona.
Malacañang says President Aquino may use visual aids in his annual report to Filipinos. That’s how you make people appreciate something imaginary.
Drilon vs. Mitos
Saying he only described senatorial aspirant Ramon ‘Jun’ Magsaysay Jr. as “ang tunay na Magsaysay,” Sen. Franklin Drilon denied ever calling another senator-wannabe, Congresswoman Mitos Habana-Magsaysay as a ‘fake’ Magsaysay. Mitos was still furious though dismissing Drilon’s statement as ‘pambababoy.’
Coach Spo
Miami Heat Coach Erik Spoelstra, a Filipino-American gave President Aquino a championship cap. Oh, that’ll be useful.
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“Win or lose, we go shopping after the election. “
~Former First Lady Imelda Marcos
Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“There is no dynasty to speak of, but there is a history of public service that I hope to be part of.”
A: Bam Aquino
B: Mitos Magsaysay
C: Ace Barbers
D: Jun Magsaysay
Have a productive week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Answer
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Leo Beligan
7/14/2012 8:15:00 PM
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Posted: 13 Jul 2012 08:54 PM PDT
AFTER A MONTH-LONG stay in Syria, the devil is back! To the utter surprise of press people, the confessed famewhore, attention-seeker and scene-stealer called a press conference early this morning. Here’s the transcript of another exclusive interview.
‘Musta?
Heto, puyat. Pero sobrang saya!
Ano na namang kademonyohan ang ginawa mo?
‘Di mo ba nabalitaan ang nangyari? Maghapo’t magdamag ka sa Twitter wala kang alam?
Ulol!
Thank you.
Ano ngang nangyari?
Sige na nga. Ganito ‘yon. Dumaan ako sa burol ni Mang Dolphy kagabi sa Heritage Park. Wala naman akong planong magtagal dahil sobrang liwanag ng paligid. Punyeta. Hindi ako makalapit. Eh biglang natanaw ko ang aking personal favorite, si Annabelle Rama. So ‘yun, I did what I thought would give me a sense of fulfillment.
So ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng pagwawala ni Annabelle Rama kagabi!
Uh-huh. Proudly!
Bad ka talaga!
Thank you.
Hindi ka man lang rumespeto sa patay!
Excuse me dong! Guide lang ako. May free will kayo. Nagsa-suggest lang ako ng kasamaan. Kung ayaw n’yong gawin, hindi ko pipilitin.
Nagsa-suggest? Eh hinabol ni Annabelle ng bread knife si Chito Alcid ‘tapos muntik nang hambalusin ng tungkod sa mismong burol?!! You’re despicable!
Thank you! Pero malay ko bang ganun ang mangyayari. Ang ginawa ko lang naman, binulungan ko si Bisaya. Sabi ko, “‘Day, papunta ng kubeta ang baklang reporter na kinasuhan mo ng libel. Panahon na para turuan siya ng leksyon. Wala ka bang gagawin ‘day?” Hindi ko naman sinabing habulin niya ng bread knife ‘noh.
Nakakahiya kayo. You’ve totally lost the last iota of decency left in your lives!
Har har har! Don’t iota me dong! At anong decency ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Kaya nga demonyo ako ‘di ba? Bastusan ang forte ko, bobo! Balik tayo kay Annabelle. Kahit nga ako, nagulat nang konti eh. I mean, she made me extra proud last night and I appreciate that. Pero I did not expect na she’d overachieve. That was a new low for her. *cue canned applause here* I love it! Sana lang nakita n’yo ang reaksyon ng mga dating artista ng Sampaguita Pictures na naroon sa lamay. Grabe, hindi ko alam kung na-shock sila o talagang ‘di lang gumagalaw ang mga pisngi at noo nila dahil sa Botox. Har har har
I heard isa raw sa mga umawat si Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson.
‘Yon nga ang ikinakabuwisit ko. ‘Tong Chavit Singson na ‘to, walang loyalty! Kung may papapahalaga siya sa pagkakaibigan namin, dapat hinayaan niyang magkasakitan ‘yong dalawa. Malilintikan sa ‘kin ‘yan ‘pag nagkita kami later.
Maiba ako, huwag mong sabihing ikaw rin ang may pakana ng pagtakbo raw ni Bisaya next year for a seat in Congress.
Uh-huh. We’re getting there. Tinatantya ko lang ang pulso ng mga Cebuano. We will make an announcement soon. Excited na nga ako eh. Can you imagine kapag may kaaway siya sa Kamara? Ang headlines: “Cebu Representative Annabelle Rama, binato ng rostrum si Deputy Speaker Boying Remulla” o kaya “Talent manager-solon disrupts SONA; forcibly removed from session hall” I can’t wait!
Sa tingin mo mananalo?
Dong, don’t underestimate the Cebuanos. Hindi ko naman nilalahat pero marami d’yan ang enjoy na enjoy sa pinagaggagawa ni Bisaya ‘dong. Isama mo pa sa kampanya sina Rechard at Roffa dong. Panalo! Huwag na si Raymond dong, high-end masyado ‘yon. Hindi makaka-relate ang voters sa Magnum at Esquire ‘dong.
Ano sa tingin mo ang mga bills na ihahain ni Annabelle sakaling manalo siya?
Siyempre, meron siyang limang priority bills:
Anti-Nadia Montenegro Act
Anti-Amalia Fuentes Act
Anti-Chito Alcid Act
Anti-Cristy Fermin Act
At ‘yong Anti-Heart Evangelista and Mrs. Cecile Ongpauco Act.
Any final message for Ms Annabelle Rama?
‘Day, keep it up! You’re doing great. And congratulations… may bago ka na namang kaso! If you only knew how proud I am. Nandito lang ako lagi to guide you. Pero may ipapakiusap lang sana ako sa ‘yo. Kasi, lagi na lang Sto. Niño ang binabanggit mo sa ‘yong interviews. That’s a bit unfair. Paano naman ako? Hellllo! Give credit where credit is due. Ok ‘day?
Sasamantalahin ko na ang pagkakataon, tatanungin na rin kita sa ibang usapin. Mabilisan lang ‘to. Tell me your thoughts on these topics. Una, ang pag-bless ng MMDA sa Edsa.
Pathetic! Motorista ang bendisyunan n’yo ‘wag ‘yong Edsa. Nananahimik ‘yong kalsada, ginugulo n’yo! ‘Kita mo naman, matapos mag-ikot ang pari sa Edsa, sunud-sunod na aksidente ang nangyari. Lalo ring nagkabuhul-buhol ang trapiko. So sinong mas powerful? Ako! Har har har
Nabalitaan mo ba ‘yong pagpapakain daw ni Davao City Mayor Rudy Duterte ng fake land title sa isang swindler?
Of course! Ako pa! Nandun ako ‘noh! Rudy has been a friend of mine for like decades. Alam mo na!
Lastly, anong masasabi mo kay Mang Dolphy?
Hindi ko siya gusto. Mas pinili niya ang kalaban ko. Hmpf! Eh ‘di magtiis siya sa langit. Booooring!
Bitter?!?
Nasaksak ka na ba ng bread knife?
Tarantado!
Thank you.
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“There’s money, and then there’s class. The two are often separated.”
- Kate Jacobs
In case you missed:
Interview With the Devil Part 2
Interview With the Devil
Quote of the Weak:
“Talagang nasaktan ako. Bakit kasi dito pa kay Dolphy na hindi na n’ya nirespeto. This is the ultimate kabastusan.”
~Entertainment columnist Chito Alcid
Have a safe weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
7/14/2012 8:17:00 PM
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ALWAYS AGYAMAN KAMI MR. LANDICHO/THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER.
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Leo Beligan
7/16/2012 9:02:00 PM
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ACCORDING TO Malacañang, July 23, which is SONA day is a working day. Office workers and students won’t be able to watch President Aquino’s accomplishment report to the nation – which means they’ll probably miss… nothing much.
The CBCP is calling for a “truthful” SONA. These bishops sure know their oxymoron.
Reports say President Aquino’s speech for his third State of the Nation Address has been revised five times. The Ombudsman just filed a plunder case against GMA. So make that six.
The fourth draft of the President’s speech reportedly reached more than 30 pages. And that’s just for GMA and Renato Corona.
Rate Hike
After Meralco’s announcement of a power rate hike, the MWSS said there will be a water rate increase soon. Malacañang is hoping it won’t happen until after the SONA.
Super Slate
Cong. JV Ejercito proposed an alliance between President Aquino’s Liberal Party and Vice President Binay’s United Nationalist Alliance to field a “super senatorial slate” next year. Mar Roxas is not super sold to the idea.
A “super senatorial slate” is being proposed for next year’s senatorial elections. The slate will have supernatural powers. For example, they can turn money into votes.
Lacierda’s Nephew
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda’s nephew, Ryan Lacierda Uy is seeking a seat in Congres via the party-list elections next year. I didn’t know the Lacierdas were marginalized.
Birthday Boss
Businessman Manny V. Pangilinan turned 66 last Saturday, July 14. A post-birthday bash will be held tomorrow night. Everybody’s excited for the raffle. MVP is giving away iPads, iPhones, and TV5.
In Mexico…
The ruling party which lost in the recently concluded presidential elections refused to accept its defeat and accused the winner of cheating. The winner dismissed the losing party’s allegation as childish, baseless, and very Filipino.
In Hollywood…
Steven Tyler has quit American Idol. But Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe says they’ve already found a replacement judge: Melanie Marquez.
RIP Lola Sela Bungangera
Radio drama guru Eloisa Cruz Canlas a.k.a. Lola Sela Bungangera of DZRH died Sunday morning, July 15. Lola Sela’s wake is open to everyone except for Annabelle Rama.
Breaking: Lola Sela Bungangera is dead. And my friends were like, “Patay na si Annabelle Rama?!!!?”
Rage at the Heritage
Annabelle Rama’s family couldn’t be reached for comment regarding her recent outburst. It turns out that Eddie Gutierrez and his children are all sick. They’re suffering from a rare disease called ‘prolonged embarrassment.’
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“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown
Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“I have resigned as core member of KAYA NATIN! Now, i can be their no.1 fan and critic!”
A: Leah Navarro
B: Harvey Keh
C: Juana Change
D: Grace Padaca
Enjoy the rest of the week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever
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Leo Beligan
7/22/2012 6:45:00 AM
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The Professional Heckler received an envelope from an anonymous source last Friday. It contained a document titled, “State of the Nation Address: What’s Excluded.” Here are the excerpts from that document.
“Katulad ng aking naipangako, babawasan natin ang red tape sa tatlong sangay ng pamahalaan. Nagagalak kong ibalita na nagkaroon ‘yan ng katuparan. Sa ilalim ng ating pamumuno, mabilis na napawalang bisa ang kasal ng aking kapatid na si Kris at maging ang kasal ng KrisTV co-host na si Pareng Chiz Escudero! Palakpakan po natin ang magigiting na huwes sa ating hudikatura!”
“Sa ilalim ng aking administrasyon, kinilala ang Philippine wildlife sa buong mundo. Kasama natin ngayong hapon… hindi na po siya iba sa mga kasama natin sa Kongreso… si Lolong!”
“Sa pinakahuling pag-aaral ng Social Weather Stations, napag-alamang bumaba ang bahagdan ng mga nagugutom na pamilyang Pilipino. Salamat sa DSWD at sa kooperasyon ng mga lokal na pamahalaan. Sa katunayan, sa Davao City po, kahit masasamang tao sa lipunan, pinapakain nila… pinapakain nila ng papel.”
“Sa ilalim din ng ating pamamahala naganap ang isang historic moment sa larangan ng entertainment. Congratulations “Eat Bulaga” sa inyong unang international edition – ang “Eat Bulaga Indonesia.” Sa Dabarkads na nasa gallery ngayon, ito lang ang masasabi ko sa inyong mga kalaban: ‘Nganga!’”
“Noong isang taon sa aking SONA, ibinunyag ko ang bilyong pisong gastos ng dating pamunuan ng Pagcor sa kape. Noong isang linggo, kinasuhan na po sila. Sakto lang sa SONA. Sa’n ka pa!?”
“Sa aking unang SONA, ibinunyag ko ang katiwalian sa PCSO ng dating pamunuan nito. Noong isang linggo lang, kinasuhan na po sila. Sakto sa SONA. Sa’n ka pa!?”
“May tsismis pong papayagan daw makapagpiyansa si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo sa kinakaharap nitong kasong electoral sabotage. Ngunit noong isang linggo lang, kinasuhan siya ng Ombudsman ng plunder, a non-bailable offense. Sakto lang sa SONA. Sa’n ka pa!?”
Sa maniwala ho kayo at sa hindi, ang mga kaganapang ito ay hindi sinadya at nagkataon lamang.
“Buhay na buhay rin po ang pagkakaisa sa ating bansa. Ang dating magkaaway na Liberal Party at Nacionalista Party, na kulang na lang ay magpatayan noong nakaraang presidential elections, ngayon ay magsasama upang ihatid ang walang-pag-aalinlangang serbisyo sa lehislatura. Kaya sa darating na eleksyon, hindi kailangang ma-UNA sa pamumulitika. Kaledad ng paglilingkod ang mas mahalaga.”
“Inasam ko rin po ang pagbabago sa ugali ng mga Pinoy at iangat ang moralidad sa ating lipunan. I think we have accomplished more than that. Hindi man siya nanalo kay Timothy Bradley, ‘waging-wagi naman ang pagbabago niya bilang tao. Mabuhay ka Pambansang Kamao, Congressman Manny Pacquiao! Isa kang mabuting ehemplo sa bawat Pilipino! Praise the Lord!”
“Bagamat naniniwala ako sa sistematikong paglutas sa mga problema sa kalsada, hindi ko naman kinakalimutan ang mga turo ng aking ina. Ngayon ko lang po ito aaminin: ang ginawang pagbabasbas ng MMDA sa EDSA ay aking ideya.”
“Nabubuhay po tayo sa modernong panahon. Kaya’t ang mga local executives natin, sumasabay sa paglago ng teknolohiya. Binabati ko ang Lungsod ng Makati dahil malapit nang maging free wi-fi zone ang buong siyudad. Take that Starbucks! Ang damot n’yo kasi!”
“Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang Internet, baka lang po hindi pa n’yo alam, active na active na ulit ako sa Twitter. Follow me @NoynoyAquino. At press time ay may 970,000 followers na ako. By the end of the year, target ko pong malagpasan si Anne Curtis.”
“Last month, mas mababa po ang binayaran n’yo sa kuryente. Humanda kayo sa parating na bill. Magdidilim ang paningin n’yo.”
“Noong ako po ay maupo sa Malacañang, ang lagi kong naririnig: patay na ang industriya ng pelikula. Ngunit dalawang buwan matapos ang aking pangalawang SONA, gumawa ng bagong record ang “No Other Woman” at “Praybeyt Benjamin.” Pinatunayan po nito na buhay na buhay ang lokal na industriya ng telebisyon at pelikula! Kasama nga pala natin ngayong hapon, the Unkabogable Vice Ganda, palakpakan po natin.”
On a personal note, naalarma po ako sa isang balita kamakalawa tungkol sa isang Taiwanese teenager na namatay matapos maglaro ng computer game for 40 hours. Marami pong nag-alala at nag-text sa akin. Isa lang po ang tinitiyak ko sa inyo. I know my limits; 39 hours it is!
“Ano ba ang sabi ko sa mga nagdaan kong SONA? Bawal ang wangwang sa kalsada. This year, gusto kong idagdag… bawal din po sa kalsada ang mga utak-pulbura at aroganteng pulis na ayaw magbigay sa aking convoy. Hellllo! SPO2 ka lang, presidente ako. Hindi tayo magka-level!”
“Gusto ko po sanang talakayin ang RH Bill at Freedom at Information Bill ngayong hapon kaya lang, may natanggap po akong report na sobrang lakas na ng ulan sa labas. Kung papatagalin ko pa ang aking talumpati, baka abutan tayong lahat ng baha. Iniisip ko lang po ang inyong kaligtasan. Sa next SONA na lang ‘yan. Maraming salamat sa inyong lahat. Tara let’s!”
Another envelope from yet another anonymous source reached this blogger. It contained a document titled, “State of the Nation Address Draft No. 1.”
“Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile; Speaker Feliciano Belmonte; Bise Presidente Jejomar Binay; mga dating Pangulong Fidel Valdez Ramos at Joseph Ejercito Estrada; Chief Justice Leila De Lima… ooops,practice lang, at ang ating mga kagalang-galang na mahistrado ng Korte Suprema; mga kagalang-galang na kasapi ng diplomatic corps; mga miyembro ng Kamara de Representante at ng Senado; mga Local Government officials; mga miyembro ng ating Gabinete; mga unipormadong kasapi ng militar at kapulisan; mga kapwa ko nagseserbisyo sa taumbayan;
At sa mga minamahal kong kababayan, ang aking butihing mga boss:
Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.
Naipakulong ko na si Gloria.
Napatalsik ko na si Corona.
Lumago ng 6.4 percent sa unang quarter ng taon ang ekonomiya.
Ayon sa SWS, mas kakaunti na ang nagugutom na mga pamilya.
Ayon din sa SWS, bumaba na ang bilang ng mga walang trabaho at nakatunganga.
Ayon sa PNP, nabawasan ang kriminalidad sa bansa.
Dalawang piso pa rin ang pandesal.
Balik-ocho pesos ang pasahe sa jeep.
At alang-alang sa paglilingkod, isinakripisyo ko ang aking buhay-pag-ibig.
Ito na ‘yon eh.
This is it!
Wala na kayong mahihiling pa. Move on na. Third year ko na!
Maraming salamat po at magandang hapon sa inyong lahat.”
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“An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise.”
~William Dean Howells
Have a great weekend. Stay safe.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
7/24/2012 6:21:00 PM
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PRESIDENT AQUINO delivered his third State of the Nation Address last Monday, July 23. Getting mostly positive reviews, the President’s speech was reportedly applauded 119 times – or as Niel Tupas and Miro Quimbo would probably tell the media, 345 times.
The President’s speech lasted one and a half hours. It was interrupted 119 times by applause and two times by cough.
Vice President Binay gave President Aquino’s third SONA a rating of 8.5 to 9 out of a possible 10. Senator Lacson gave him an 8.5; Senator Jinggoy, a 9.9 , and both Senator Angara and former President Joseph Etsrada, a 7. With these figures, Malacañang expects a ‘Fresh’ rating from Rotten Tomatoes.
Eastern Samar Representative Ben Evardone described President Aquino’s speech as “a very comprehensive achievement report.” That’s the same description he gave Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s nine SONAs.
The State of the Nation Address also marked the annual gathering of the country’s multimillionaires. That explains the huge sign outside the Batasan Complex last Monday: “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes working for you.”
President Aquino expressed support for the Sin Tax Bill hoping this would help curb vices like alcohol and smoking. Ahm, awkward.
Talking about the justice system, President Aquino said, “If you are guilty, you will be made to pay for your sins, no matter who you are.” And I was like, ‘Ehem, Ronald Llamas.’
The President added, “It is possible for the scales to be set right, and for even the rich and powerful to be held accountable.” Unless your name is Delfin Lee, Ruben Ecleo, or Joel Reyes.
The President also heaped praises on some members of his cabinet. Caught by TV cameras, TESDA Director General Joel Villanueva was all smiles when the President publicly endorsed thanked him.
Reports say the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of Philippines is disappointed at President Aquino for endorsing Responsible Parenthood in his SONA. The CBCP says there is no connection between the problems in education and Responsible Parenthood. Either that, or the CBCP had lost connection with reality.
In his third SONA, President Aquino said, “Nothing is impossible.” That was an interesting quote from someone who actually once made a living as a Nike supervisor.
President Aquino also discussed peace in his SONA. He talked about a terrorist who was neutralized, and the MILF’s renewed “trust” on the government. Unfortunately, there was no mention of any concrete plans to forge peace between Annabelle Rama and Amalia Fuentes.
The title of the President’s speech was “Report Kay Boss.” After citing gains, statistics, and making more promises, he ended it with, “Hindi ko ito SONA. Kayo ang gumawa nito.” If all else fails, he’s off the hook.
In Other News
China has established Sansha City, a new municipality in the South China Sea aimed at strengthening its control over disputed islands. The Department of Foreign Affairs says the Philippine government does not recognize the establishment of Sansha City. To which China said, “O, tapos?”
China’s Sansha City in the South China Sea elected its first mayor on Tuesday, July 24. Xiao Jie won the mayoral race against a starfish, a barracuda, and a seahorse.
Sansha City was established on Yongxing Island some 220 miles away from China’s tropical Hainan Island. A number of Americans are reportedly furious at China for doing that. And Beijing was like, “Helllllo, Hawaii!”
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“The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.”
~James A. Garfield
Enjoy the rest of the week! Good luck to the UP Fighting Maroons who are up against the NU Bulldogs tomorrow, July 26.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
Personal: A shout-out to Joy and Mr. Tony
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Leo Beligan
8/2/2012 3:09:00 PM
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NEWSPAPER REPORTS say typhoon Gener left at least 12 people dead and affected more than 300,000. Or as President Aquino and Malacañang would say, “Filipino farmers thank heavens for rain; robust harvest seen.”
Sunday’s bad weather which triggered massive flooding in the metro and nearby provinces caught residents flatfooted. Rumors say PAGASA was supposed to declare typhoon Signal No. 2 in the metro but forecasters feared the bad news might offend the President.
Another storm is reportedly brewing. Malacañang is advising citizens to prepare by stockpiling food and creating Twitter accounts.
Typhoon Gener which killed at least 12 and affected more than 300,000 shocked PAGASA officials. Even more shocking, President Aquino is strangely quiet on the miscalculated forecast.
Dead!
Typhoon Gener left at least 12 people dead. Not to be outdone, unidentified San Beda frat men left someone dead.
Over the last three days, 12 people have been killed in the metro and nearby provinces. To be fair to PAGASA, at least we know who killed them.
For the second time in just five months, a San Beda law student died reportedly due to fraternity hazing. More bad news: reports say the leaders of the fraternity, during their senior year in high school, were voted “Most likely to get away with murder.”
Police say victim Marc Andrei Marcos was a neophyte of San Beda’s Lex Leonum Fraternitas. The gang fraternity has yet to issue a statement.
If fraternity hazing were an Olympic event, San Beda frat men would take the gold!
CBCP vs RH Bill
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines is gathering its flock for a big rally against the Reproductive Health Bill. The CBCP is confident that the Lower House will reject the measure. In other news, the filing of candidacy for next year’s midterm elections happens this October.
Kabayan vs. Aquino
On Twitter, Kris Aquino defended her brother, President Aquino who criticized Noli De Castro during the 25th anniversary celebration of TV Patrol last Friday. Meanwhile, De Castro has remained quiet – since 2004.
Record-Breaking
Ye Shiwen, a 16-year-old female Chinese swimmer set a new world record in astonishing fashion in the 400-meter individual medley. Shiwen’s remarkable speed was eclipsed only by escaping San Beda frat men.
Lunar Probe
China has announced its plan to explore the moon… sending shock waves to Martians who began to worry about their sovereignty.
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“Ah, you coward! Look at you, running.”
~Jonathan Stroud, Heroes of the Valley
Enjoy the rest of the week!
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Leo Beligan
8/10/2012 7:50:00 AM
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New post on The Professional Heckler
EXCLUSIVE: ‘HABAGAT’ BREAKS SILENCE
by professionalheckler
FOR ALMOST THREE DAYS, the metro and several Luzon provinces reeled from heavy downpour. The flooding submerged 60 percent of Metro Manila. By Friday noon, the death toll would reach 60.
What hit us was not even a typhoon. It didn’t have a name. On Twitter, I wrote:
Weather experts described it as southwest monsoon rains. A monsoon is a wind system that brings heavy rainfull. Locally, we call it ‘habagat.’
Earlier today, ‘Habagat’ chatted with this blogger. Here’s the transcript of that exclusive interview.
Kumusta ka na Habagat?
Ok naman. Medyo nilalamig pa rin. Ikaw, kayo ‘musta?
Ay, salamat naman sa concern. Heto, may mahigit animnapung kababayan ang namatay at 850,000 ang na-displace; may sampung lungsod at munisipalidad sa Metro Manila, at anim na lalawigan ang nasa ilalim ng state of calamity, at more than 150 million pesos ang halaga ng nasirang pananim. Mabuting-mabuti naman!
Hindi ka pa galit n’yan?
Ay hindi. Ang bait-bait nga namin sa ‘yo eh. ‘Kita mo naman, all smiles pa rin kami kahit binugbog na ng dala mong ulan, baha, hangin at kung anu-ano pa. Sino ka ba talaga? Kung nagpapapansin ka, well, congrats! Tagumpay ka. Pero sana, naging ganap na bagyo ka na lang para madaling makilala.
Excuse me, hindi ako nagpapapansin. In fact, malamig ang pakikitungo ko sa inyo. But in fairness to some of your kababayan, sobrang hospitable nila sa akin.
Wehhh? Inis nga sa ‘yo ang marami eh.
I said some, not majority. Why did I say hospitable? Lunes ng hapon, grabe na ang aking ulan. Sinabihan na silang lumikas. Pero anong sagot nila, “Mababa pa naman ang tubig. Baka titila rin.” Boom! Ako naman, hala, sige, ulan. Moment ko ‘to so go lang. The rest, as the cliché goes, is history. ‘Tapos ako pa ang sisisihin ngayon?
Sige, ikaw na ang magaling. Ikaw na ang walang kasalanan.
Thank you. Pero hanga ako sa government n’yo huh. Alerto! Kahit medyo sumablay ang PAGASA sa pagbasa sa galaw ko, naitawid n’yo pa rin ang week na ‘to na walang sinisibak ang inyong Pangulo. At may Project Noah pa kayo. Impressive.
Speaking of Noah, alam mo bang kumalat sa social networking sites na may kuneksyon ka raw sa Genesis? Noong kasagsagan kasi ng ulan mo, ang petsa ay 8/7/2012. Eh ‘yong tungkol sa Noah’s Ark, mababasa raw sa Genesis 8:7-12. Anong masasabi mo?
Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa creativity n’yo... mga ulol! Kung sino mang nagpasimuno n’yan at nag-aksaya ng oras to retweet o repost, I’ll give them an A for effort - na manakot. Pero nililinaw ko, walang kakune-kuneksyon kay Noah ang aking pagdating. Mas may kunek pa ako kay Gener.
Salamat sa paglilinaw. Heto pa: dahil daw sa pending RH Bill kaya bumabaha at umuulan nang walang tigil. Is this true?
Ang tatanga! Naturingang 86.567 percent ang functional literacy rate, ‘tapos ang bobobo. Nakakainis! Ayaw ko nang mag-elaborate. Baka ma-excommunicate ako.
Hanging habagat? Mai-excommunicate? Pa'no kaya 'yon!?
Hoy! Si Lito Lapid nga naging senador! ‘Tapos si Anne Curtis, nagkaroon ng album at nag-platinum pa! Wala nang imposible sa mundo natin ngayon!
Bahala ka na nga! Anyway, nakita mo ba ang aming Pangulo sa Muntinlupa last Wednesday sa relief operations?
Relief operations ba ‘yon? Akala ko first day ng campaign ng Liberal Party for the midterm elections.
Sobra ka naman. Lahat na lang binigyan mo ng kulay.
So fault ko? Fault kong makitang kumakaway ang napakagandang si Ms Rissa Hontiveros, ang Customs Commissioner na si Ruffy Biazon, ang dashing congressman na si Sonny Angara at ang direktor ng Tesda na si Joel Villanueva? Fault ko?
Sinabi ko bang fault mo?
Para kasing pinapalabas mong ang dumi-dumi ng utak ko. Sige, sige. Ako na ang madumi. Sige. Sabihin na nating nagkataon lang na silang apat ay kasama sa senatorial slate ng Liberal Party. Kunwari, hindi natin alam na eleksyon next year. Ok. Fine. I salute them. I admire their selflessness and their genuine desire to help the downtrodden. They are role models. Humahanga ako sa kanila!
Ang plastic mo!
Ulan, gusto mo?
Gago. Tama na. ‘Kita mo ngang ‘di pa kami nakakabangon.
Eh kasi naman nakakaduda eh. Lubog sa baha ang barangay, kasama mo ang head ng Tesda?!? Ano ‘yon, mamimigay ng scholarship? Magpa-facilitate ng training? May libreng haircut?
Again, huwag tayong manghusga. Ang importante, tumutulong sila sa mga nangangailangan.
Ang plastic mo!
Pakyu ka! Maiba ako, I’m sure nasaksihan mo ang pagbisita ng aming Pangulo sa Valenzuela.
Oo naman. Andun ulit si Joel Villanueva.
Hindi ka pa rin nakaka-move on kay Mr. Tesda?
Hahaha. May bago kasing tawag sa kanya sa Twitter eh. Presidential Shadow. O, hindi ako ang nagsabi n’yan huh. Nabasa ko lang sa Twitter.
Hanging Habagat? May Twitter?!!!??
Bakit? Si Erap nga taga-Maynila na eh. ‘Tapos si GMA, nakalaya. Wala nang imposible ngayon.
Fine! Moving on... kinilig ka ba nang batiin ni President Noy si Councilor Shalani Soledad nang magkita sila sa relief operations the other day?
Hanging habagat kinikilig? Weird.
Tarantado. Kunwari lang! ‘To naman o! Ang hirap kayang tapusin ng blog post na ‘to! Sumagot ka na lang. Please.
Ahm, let’s say, mas na-excite ang mga taong nando’n. Sigawan nga sila eh. Kilig na kilig ang mga pucha. Kakapanood ng PBB Teens, akala yata sixteen years old ang pangulo nila.
Inggit ka?
Hanging habagat?! May feelings? Patawa!
Sanga pala, kasabay ng pananalasa mo sa Luzon at NCR, nagtaas naman ng presyo ng kanilang mga produkto ang mga kompanya ng langis. Sa tingin mo, alin ang mas destructive? Ikaw o sila?
Helllloooo! Minamaliit mo ako?!? Kesyo nameless ako? Kesyo hindi ako naging ganap na bagyo?!? Siyempre, sila!
May mensahe ka ba sa mga biktima mo sa Pilipinas?
Nawalan lang ng tirahan, biktima na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng 'they had me coming' muna? Illegal logging. Clogged drainage. Truck-truck na basurang kung saan-saan ‘tinatapon. Illegal settlers sa mga mapanganib na lugar. Kayo rin ang problema eh. Habagat pa lang ako huh. Just imagine kung naging ganap na bagyo ako.
Nagbabanta ka?
#justsaying.
Wow! Hanging habagat, huma-hashtag??!?
Magtanong ka na lang! Umaaraw na. Paalis na ako.
Ok, last. ‘Yong chopper na sinasakyan ni Pangulong Aquino patungong Central Luzon kanina, nag-emergency landing daw sa SCTEX. Any thoughts?
Alam mo, nasa Bible ’yan eh. Ang mababa ay itataas at ang mataas ay ibababa.
Gano’n? So, may kuneksyon talaga sa Bible ang chopper ng Presidente?!?
Meron.
Owwws?
Oo naman! Bakit? Sino bang kasama ng Pangulo papuntang Central Luzon kanina? ‘Yong head ng Tesda, si Joel Villanueva! May kunek ‘yon sa Bible!
Oo nga ‘noh! Ang utak mo talaga!
Hanging habagat, may utak? Kelan pa?
Ulol!
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“The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning."
~Adlai E. Stevenson
#ReliefPH:
Complete list of Evacuation and Relief Operation Centers
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Leo Beligan
8/14/2012 10:20:00 PM
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ROBERT BLAIR CARABUENA, an HR manager at Philip Morris International was caught by a TV5 crew manhandling an MMDA traffic enforcer Tuesday. A check on Carabuena’s Facebook account revealed he’s an Ateneo alumnus whose role models include Claudine Barretto, Chris Brown, and Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte.
Robert Blair Carabuena who mauled a hapless traffic enforcer graduated from Ateneo De Manila University. The MMDA is filing charges against him. Now that’s One Big Fight!
According to his LinkedIn profile, Robert Blair Carabuena graduated at ADMU with a degree in psychology. Based on that video, he puts the psycho in psychology.
Heard about that guy Robert Blair Carabuena? He was caught throwing his overweight around!
When the video of him mauling a traffic enforcer went viral, Robert Blair Carabuena, who’s also on Twitter decided to protect his tweets by making changes in the settings. No word yet on whether or not there will be changes in his behavior.
JUST IN:
The motorist who manhandled an MMDA traffic enforcer has deleted/deactivated his Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn accounts. Karma is digital.
Robert Blair Carabuena has taken down his accounts in social networking sites. He bullies traffic enforcers but he’s no match for computers.
Perks
Employees of the Metropolitan Waterworks and Sewerage System reveal MWSS consultants earn P8,500 per meeting which translates roughly to P34,000 a day or about P136,000 a month! Wow, where and how do I send my resumé?
No Perks
Employees of PAGASA held a protest action to denounce the failure of the government to implement a law that entitles them to a hazard pay of no more than P6,000 per month. Today, the take home pay of a weather forecaster like Jori Loiz is P12,000 – or as MWSS consultants would say, “Pang-gas.”
In Other News…
The Judicial and Bar Council has released the short list of eight candidates for the post of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. President Aquino has until August 27 to entertain lobbyists announce his choice.
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima was disqualified by the JBC. In totally unrelated news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson is throwing a party.
The JBC has announced the shortlisted candidates for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. President Aquino plans to bring the candidates to flooded areas in the metro to distribute relief goods.
Sotto’s Speech
I have yet to read/watch Sen. Tito Sotto’s eulogy last Monday so I cannot comment on that yet.
But I heard poledancer Ciara Sotto was quoted to have said that of all places, she didn’t expect she’d shed tears at the Senate. Kami rin.
The London Olympics
It’s another medal-less campaign in the Summer Olympics for Team Philippines. One sports official who was with the PH delegation in London said we should reform and overhaul the country’s sports program. And I was like, “You first.”
Bolt
The fastest man in the world is still Usain Bolt of Jamaica.
Dear Usain Bolt,
Be our justice system, please.
Thank you.
Miss Universe 2012
Reports say the Miss Universe pageant scheduled this December is in danger of getting canceled. Apparently, the other planets still refuse to send representatives.
In Hollywood…
Jennifer Aniston is getting married. The 43-year-old actress is engaged to her future ex-husband.
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“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain
Quote of the Week
“Obvious naman, the Supreme Court, the IBP, the JBC, nagkasundo sila lahat trying to pin me down and bonding together as if nagkaroon sila ngayon ng common objective: anybody but De Lima. That’s my feeling. Hindi ko talaga ‘yun naintindihan and why was I singled out for disqualification?”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima
Stay safe! Typhoon Helen’s still here.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
8/20/2012 8:25:00 PM
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ANNABLLE RAMA
I am very very very serious to run for Congress. Wala na makakapigil sa akin.”
~Talent manager Annabelle Rama via Twitter
Isang gabi sa panulukan ng GMA Network Drive at Timog Avenue, Diliman, Quezon City…
Good evening po Ms Annabelle!
Hello fans.
Hindi po ako fan Ms Annabelle. Magi-interview lang po.
Anong interview? May appointment ka ba dong?
Wala po.
Walang inte-interview. Busy ako dong.
Ambush interview po ito.
Hay naku dong, huwag kang makulit. Mag-sit ka muna ng appointment.
Tatakbo raw po kayong Congresswoman sa Cebu. Sure na ba?
Dong, gusto mong hambalusin kita ng baston?!? Sabi ko hindi pwidi ang ambosh interview.
Meron po akong 2,000 pesos dito.
Huwag mo ‘kong insoltohin dong. Hindi ako mukhang pira. Gawin mong beinte mil, cash, kaliwaan.
Deal.
Remind ko lang dong, 2,000 per minute ang rate ko. Bilisan mo, may meeting pa ako kay Attorney Gozon.
Bakit n’yo naisipang tumakbo for Congress?
Alam mo dong, isang gabi, tinanong ko ang Mahal na Sto. Niño. Sabi ko, ‘Mahal na Sto. Niño, ano pa bang pwidi kong gawin sa buhay? Naghubad na ako sa pelikula, nag-asawa na ako ng supir-guwapo…” Hi Eduardo, kung nanonood ka, I love you sweetheart.
Sa blog po ito lalabas, hindi sa TV.
Wala akong pakialam dong. Basta Eduardo, I love you. Ituloy ko na ang kwento ko. So sabi ko, succissful naman ako as talent manager. Lahat ng alaga ko naipasok ko sa TV5 at GMA. Sa ABS-CBN, wala pa. Takot yata sa akin. Anyway, so sabi sa akin ng Mahal na Sto. Niño, “Bakit ‘di ka maglingkod? Pasukin mo ang pulitika.”
Sinabi ng Sto. Niño ‘yon?!? Weh?
Naku dong, huwag mong pagdudahan ang Mahal na Sto. Niño. Baka makarma ka dong.
Fine. So after kang bigyan ng advice ng Mahal na Sto. Niño, pumayag ka agad?
Hindi pa dong. Sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, give me a sign! Please give me a sign!” Naku dong, kinabukasan dong, pagbukas ko ng TV, may Showbiz Central pa noon dong, nakita ko ang sign: ang payaaaaaat payat na ni Raymond dong. So sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, alam kong ito ang sign. Maraming salamat po!” So heto, tatakbo na ako for Congress.
So fault pala ni Raymond?
May sinasabi ka dong?
Wala po. Sa tingin n’yo ba mananalo kayo?
Hoy dong, mahigit 300 thousand na ang followers ko sa Twitters. ‘Yong kalaban ko, walang Twitters! ‘Pag ako natalo, sure ako dong… dinaya ako! Dinaya ako!
Napakadumi po ng pulitika. Alin po ang mas madumi, pulitika o ‘yang bunganga n’yo?
Yawa! Binabastos mo ako dong. Umayos ka! Baka mag-walk out ako dong.
Ire-rephrase ko na lang ho. Napakadumi ho ng pulitika, baka ho ungkatin ang mga baho n’yo.
Wala akong ‘tinatago dong. Kahit tanungin mo pa ang Mahal na Sto. Niño, open book ang libro ng buhay ko dong.
Sabi ng mga kaaway n’yo sa showbiz, bugaw daw kayo noon.
Sino? Sinong nagsabi n’yan? ‘Yong matatandang balyenang naiinggit sa mga alahas ko? Hoy, ‘wag kayong maglinis-linisan mga bruha. Pare-pareho lang tayo! Mga ipokrito!
Pareho-parehong naging bugaw?
Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan dong, hindi ako!
Naalala n’yo pa ba ang 1994 Manila Film Fest scam?
Gi-atay man ka oie! Kung wala kang additional 5,000 d’yan, tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to dong!
Sorry. Sige po, focus na lang tayo sa mga bagong isyu. Ano ang stand n’yo sa RH Bill?
Alam mo dong, sabi sa akin ng Mahal na Sto. Niño, “As long as kaya mo naman, sige lang.” Isipin mo dong: kung nag-contraceptives ako dong, wala kayong Ruffa na magaling na aktris; walang Richard na napakahusay na aktor; walang sosyal at magaling na TV host na Raymond, walang guwapong Ritchie Paul, at walang Rocky.
So ano pong stand n’yo?
Tika dong, ano ba ‘yong R at H sa RH?
Next question ko po:
Pastilan!
Alam n’yo ba ang three branches of government?
Hay naku dong, inuuto mo na ako. Akala mo hindi ko alam? Siyempre, tatlo ‘yan.
Anu-ano nga po?
Mahaba na ang interview na ‘to dong. May additional 5,000 ka ba d’yan?
Ok, ibang tanong na lang po: ano pong pananaw n’yo sa same sex marriage?
Marami akong kaibigang bakla dong. ’Pag nasa showbiz ka, kahit saan ka magpunta, may makikita kang bakla. Maglakad ka sa studio, bakla. Makipag-meeting ka sa executives, bakla. Humarap ka sa presscon, bakla. Magpaganda ka sa parlor, bakla. Lahat ng lugar dong may bakla. Sa bahay lang yata wala.
Wehh?
Pisti! Ano ngang tanong mo?
Same sex marriage po.
Mahal ko ang mga bakla pero hindi na kailangan ng kasal dong. Magagalit ang Mahal na Sto. Niño.
May stand talaga sa same sex marriage ang Sto. Niño?
Leche ka dong. Kung anong isagot ko, ‘yon ang paniwalaan mo.
Ok, ok. Sakaling manalo kayo, ano ang unang ihahain n’yong bill?
Naku dong! Marami! ‘Yang si Nadia Montenegrong baboy dong ‘di pa fully-paid sa mga kinuhang furnitures.
Furniture.
‘Wag mo kong ikurek dong. Sampalin kita ng tsiki. Alam kong past tense dapat ‘yon! ‘Tsaka si Clarissa (code name muna dong, baka ma-libel ako), kumuha ‘yan ng maraming alahas sa kin last year, ‘di pa rin nakakabayad! ‘Yang dalawang ‘yan, ilang ulit ko nang pinadalhan ng bill… pero wala akong nasingil. Kaya ‘pag nasa Congress na ako, humanda kayo ‘day, uunahin kong ifile ang bills n’yo!
Kung mahahalal kayong congresswoman, tatanggap ba kayo ng pork barrel?
Dong, ibahin mo ako! Marami akong alaga sa showbiz. Lahat ng talents ko may show at kumikita. ‘Yong iba, may endorsements pa. Kumisyon ko pa lang kay Richard dong, quota na. Oo, tatanggapin ko.
Balita ko, 30 percent daw po ang commission sa showbiz. Hypothetical lang po, kung mangungumisyon kayo sa projects funded by your PDAF, magkano po ang hihingin n’yong porsiyento?
Ano ‘yong PDAF?
Priority Development Assistance Fund.
Magandang pakinggan ‘yan dong. “Priority” ‘tapos “Fund.” Nakaka-inspire maglingkod dong. Ano ngang tanong mo?
Kung sa showbiz 30 percent, magkanong kumisyon ang hihingin n’yo, IF AT ALL, sa pork barrel-funded projects?
Magkano ba ang kalakaran ngayon dong?
Wala po akong ideya.
Balikan mo ‘ko dong. Mag-research ka muna. Pero ‘wag mo munang isulat na ‘No Comment’ ako sa isyu ng BADAF.
PDAF po.
Ok, ok. Basta, ‘wag mo muna akong iquote. Baka sabihin ng mga kalaban ko, ‘di pa man ako nananalo, corrupt na agad. Ibahin nila ako dong. Siguro 35 percent, pwede na. Joke lang ‘yon dong. Mas ok kung 40 percent.
After po ng pagwawala n’yo sa lamay ni Mang Dolphy, maraming tao ang nagsabing wala kayong breeding.
Dong, tanga lang ang nagsasabi n’yan. Buhay na buhay pa ako. Heto o, humihinga ako nang maluwag! Mga bobo!
Bago ho tayo magtapos, may game ho tayo. Pinoy Henyo po ito. Huhulaan n’yo ang isang mystery word. Ready na po? Go!
Tao ba ito dong?
Opo!
Pulitiko?
Opo!
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez?
Hindi po. Bakit n’yo kilala si Chavez?
Basta! Pero lider ba ito?
Opo!
Nicolas Sarkozy ng France!
Hindi po! Wow, kilala n’yo si Sarkozy?
Tumahimik ka na lang dong. Asian ba ito?
Opo.
Hu Jintao of China?
Hindi po. In fairness to you, pati si Hu, kilala n’yo.
Southeast Asian?
Opo!
Hay naku dong. Sure na ako! Si Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.
Wow, impressive. Pero hindi po!
Feeling ko dong si Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra ng Thailand!
Ay sorry Ms Annabelle. Time’s up na po. Ang tamang sagot: Noynoy Aquino.
Bilat! Ang hirap-hirap naman n’yan dong! Next time sana madali lang!
Sige po. Last question na lang: Kung iboboto kayo sa pagka-kongresista ng mga Cebuano next year, anong problema nila?
Dong, overtime ka na. May additional 5,000 ka ba d’yan?
Maraming salamat na lang po.
Thank you rin. Follow me sa Twitter, @annabellrama.com.
May dot com talaga?
Plus P2,000!! Meron ka ba dong?
(End of Interview)
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“Meanwhile, politics is about getting a candidate in front of the public as a star, politics as rock’n'roll, politics as a movie.”
~Joe Eszterhas
Personal:
- Congratulations to the UP Fighting Maroons for their first win in UAAP Season 75.
“Dear UST, Ateneo, FEU, NU, La Salle, Adamson and UE,
Now we know the feeling. See you soon.
Ingat!
UP”
-Director Joey Reyes: The Senator and a Blogger Named Pope
-Thank you Inquirer for the quote. ‘Iskul Bukol’ in the Senate
HAVE A PEACEFUL AND SAFE WEEK!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Jasmine Astudillo Rosete
8/24/2012 5:17:00 PM
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The author is very funny and punny... and yes, he heckles with his blogs/articles in a very "professional" way! haha!
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Leo Beligan
9/3/2012 10:37:00 AM
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IN A PRIVILEGE SPEECH, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III lamented that he was perhaps the first Philippine senator to fall victim to cyberbullying. And probably the first senator who saw it coming.
After warning his critics of the impending Cybercrime Law, the comedian senator said, “’Pag kinuha na sila ni Lord, mananagot sila doon, hindi rito.” To which, the Lord replied, “You also.”
Portions of Tito Sotto’s speech that were “lifted” from Sarah Pope’s blog have been stricken off the Senate records. Or as CSIs would call it, “tampering with evidence.”
Earthquake!
Eastern Philippines was hit by a 7.6-magnitude earthquake Friday evening. Reacting to the news, Tito Sotto said, “’Ba’t naman ako matatakot sa lindol? Lindol lang ‘yan!”
A 7.6-magnitude earthquake hit Eastern Philippines Friday evening triggering a tsunami warning. But shortly after midnight, the tsunami alert was LIFTED. And Tito Sotto was like, “I didn’t do that! I swear!”
Roxas Is It
President Aquino announced the appointment of his defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas as the new DILG secretary. Observers believe Roxas’ appointment is a big boost to good governance, transparency, and the Liberal Party.
Following the announcement, TV and radio stations asked LP stalwart Senator Frank Drilon if Mar Roxas was a good choice. That was like asking Annabelle Rama if Richard Gutierrez was a good actor.
Shocking
Former Palawan Governor Joel Reyes and his brother, former Coron Mayor Mario Reyes, murder suspects both, have fled the country via the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Reports say Sen. Panfilo Lacson was shocked by their daring escape. And the Reyes brothers were like, “Utot mo!”
Ping and Leila
In an apparent gesture of peace, Sen. Panfilo Lacson texted Justice Secretary De Lima and greeted her on her birthday last Aug. 27. It got a bit awkward though when De Lima replied, “Hu u?”
Republican Romney
In the televised Republican National Convention Friday, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney accepted his nomination for president of the United States of America. Romney opened his acceptance speech with a disclaimer, “No portion of this speech was copied from a blogger.”
In Hollywood…
Randy Jackson is leaving American Idol. Who let the dawg out?
Randy Jackson is out as an American Idol judge. Whoever’s going to replace him has a very big chair to fill.
Randy Jackson is out as a judge in American Idol. Based on recent events, there’s a huge chance his replacement will come from the Liberal Party.
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“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.”
~Jim Rohn
Quote of the Weak
“Walang krimen ng plagiarism sa Pilipinas.”
~Comedian/Senator Vicente ‘Tito’ Castelo Sotto III
Good Grief!
Journalist Raissa Robles writes Sotto endorsed family planning two years after the death of his son
Have a peaceful weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
9/4/2012 9:54:00 PM
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QUEZON CITY Rep. Winston ‘Winnie’ Castelo has been at the receiving end of criticism for the countless billboards and tarpaulins in Quezon City bearing his portrait and name.
To be fair, he is not the first one and is not the only elected official stuck in this habit of self-promotion – using government funds.
But this ka-epalan has to stop.
We wanted to do an interview with Mr Anti-Planking Bill but we learned that the solon was too busy in his district. Fortunately, we were able to chat with his bangs. Yes, the infamous fringe. Here is the transcript of that odd but otherwise revealing conversation.
Good morning Mr Bangs! Kumusta na po kayo?
Okay naman. Heto, kaka-rebond lang.
Wow. Asensado.
Naman! Ako na. Ako na ang maging bangs ng kinatawan ng 2nd District ng Quezon City.
Konting background info lang Mr. Bangs. Ilang taon ka na ba?
Halos ka-edad ko si Sir Winnie. Pero recently lang ako napag-usapan dahil nga sa kabi-kabilang tarps at billboards ng amo ko.
Enjoy ka naman?
Naman! Sino bang ‘di matutuwa kapag tinitingala ng maraming tao? Sino bang ‘di mai-excite kapag pinagmamasdan ng mga botante. At sinong ‘di magiging proud kapag nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng mga constituents? Am I enjoying this? Naman!
‘Yon ba talaga ang expression n’yo? “Naman?!”
Naman! Pati ba naman ‘yon napansin mo pa?
Naman! Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga nagbabagang isyung kinasasangkutan ng amo mo. Handa ka na ba?
Naman!
Ok. Unang isyu: binabatikos si Congressman Winnie dahil sa “Thank You” tarp for the late DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo. Bakit raw kailangang naka-imprenta pa ang pangalan nila ng kanyang asawang si Councilor Precious Hipolito. Close ba si Congressman kay Sec. Jesse?
Naman! For your information, miyembro rin ng Liberal Party si Boss Winnie. May karapatan siyang makidalamhati. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, heto ang pruweba, right click here then open!
Wow, ikaw lang ang bangs na alam ang right click!
Naman!
Kaya lang, hindi naman ‘yong pakikidalamhati ang binabatikos eh kundi ‘yong malaking pangalan ng mag-asawa sa tarpaulin.
Sige, pangalan mo na lang daw ang ilagay. Tutal, inggitero ka eh. Sa 40th day ng kamatayan ni Secretary Robredo, igagawa ka namin ng tarp: “Miss You Sec Jesse – Lovelots, Professional Heckler,” matigil ka na lang. Masyado kang maraming reklamo eh.
‘To naman! Nililinaw lang naman eh. Masyado kang pikon.
Naman!
Curious lang kami. Between your bossing Winnie Castelo and Mayor Herbert Bautista, sino ang mas maraming nakabanderang mukha sa QC?
Grabe ka naman! Para mo namang ‘tinanong kung sinong may mas mahabang buhok: si Ms Abi Valte o si President Noynoy. Siyempre si HB. Matindi ‘yon. Hindi lang naka-display ang mukha. Sementado pa ang initials! Humihinga pa… may lapida na! Sa gate, sa kalye, sa pader, sa truck, sa t-shirt, sa puno, pati yata sa kuyukot niya naka-tattoo!
OA ka. Pati ba naman kuyukot?
Naman! Kapag mag-isa nga kami ni Boss Winnie sa kuwarto, tinatanong ko siya eh: “Kung wala na po ba si Mayor Herbert sa pwesto, siya ang gagastos sa pagtatanggal ng mga naka-sementong initials niya sa buong siyudad?”
O, anong sagot ni Congressman Winnie?
Sabi lang niya: “‘Ta#g-in@, nababaliw na yata ako. Bakit parang nagsasalita ang aking bangs?”
Ha ha! Sumagot ka ulit?
Hindi na. Na-weirduhan din ako sa kanya eh! Nagsasalita siyang mag-isa.
Ang kulit n’yong mag-amo! Maiba ako, pinsan pala ng boss mong si Winnie Castelo si Sen. Tito Castelo Sotto?
Hindi plagiarist ang amo ko!!!
‘Tinatanong ko lang kung magpinsan sila. Bakit defensive ka?
Eh kasi kilala na kita! Tiyak na do’n papunta ang tanong mo. Inunahan lang kita. Hindi plagiarist si Bossing Winnie.
Sige na nga. Pero totoo bang gustong i-criminalize ni Congressman ang plagiarism?
Saan naman nanggaling ang isyung ‘yan?
Sa website niya. And let me quote his press release dated February 23, 2011: “Plagiarists are like pirates in the intellectual seas that they too must be arrested, jailed, and made to answer for the crimes they commit.” Anong masasabi mo?
Ahm, pwedeng pakiulit? Choppy ka eh. Choppy.
Ah, ganun? Pwes, choppyhin mo ang mukha mo.
Tanga! May mukha ba ang bangs?
Whatever! Bago ko malimutan, alam naman ng lahat na ang boss mo ang proponent ng Anti-Planking Bill. Siya rin ang naghain ng bill na naglalayong maglaan ng 14 inches na space sa bawat pasahero ng jeep ang mga operators. At si Castelo rin ang nagpanukalang gawing non-working holiday ang Chinese New Year. Sino ang mas astig ang bills: siya o si Senator Lapid?
To be fair sa kanilang dalawa, they think out of the upside down box. Kaya laging unique at pang-masa ang kanilang bills. So I think pareho lang.
UP graduate nga ba si Congressman Castelo?
Naman! Bakit?
Hindi halata.
Are we done here?
Wow, nag-i-Ingles ang bangs?
Naman!
Last na lang. Paki-explain ang mga sumusunod na larawan. First photo: Bakit po in red font ang W at C sa Watch Community?
Ah, wala ‘yon. Favorite color kasi ni Congressman Castelo ang red. Nagkataon lang na initials din niya ang W at C. Pero sa maniwala ka’t sa hindi, coincidence lang ‘yon. Masyado n’yo namang binibigyan ng kulay ang kaliit-liitang bagay.
Moving on… heto naman po ang Computer School on Wheels. Tanong: Computer school ba talaga ‘yan o common poster area ng Comelec?
Again, nanghuhusga kayo ng kapwa. Tumutulong na nga ang amo ko, kinukuwestyon n’yo pa. Next!
Last photo: Titigan n’yo po ang larawan ng amo mo habang nagsasalita. Then, titigan ang mga nakasabit na larawan sa likuran. Kumpletuhin ang kasabihang ito: “The family that prays together…”
Sus, sisiw! “The family that prays together… rules together.”
Wow, ang husay! UP!
Naman!
O, bibigyan kita ng pagkakataong magbigay ng mensahe sa mga kritiko ng iyong amo. Ano ang gusto mong sabihin sa kanila?
Ako na! Ako na ang nag-iisang bangs na magbibigay ng message. Ano ‘to, talk show?
Naman!
Sige na nga. Si Congressman Winnie na yata ang kauna-unahang kongresistang biktima ng cyberbullying. Sa mga ayaw huminto sa panlalait sa tarpaulin at billboards ng amo ko, ito ang tandaan n’yo: Walang krimen ng self-promotion sa Pilipinas! Bakit naman siya papaapekto sa mga kritiko? Kritiko lang kayo! ’Pag kinuha na kayo ni Lord, mananagot kayo doon, hindi rito.”
Teka, familiar ‘yang mga linyang ‘yan ah. Hoooooooy, kay Tito Sotto ‘yan!
Walang krimen ng plagiarism sa Pilipinas!
Ay, oo nga pala. Ang galing mo talaga.
Naman!
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“We think we are being interesting to others when we are being interesting to ourselves.”
~ Jack Gardner, Words Are Not Things
Quotes of the Week
“Hindi ho ba kaya, noong wala pang DILG secretary ay maraming mga maiitim at maliliit na mga maligno ang siya pong naka-ano dyan, umaabang-abang para makuha po ang pwestong yan.”
~ Broadcaster Korina Sanchez (dzMM)
“Aminado naman po kami na maliit at maitim ang daddy ko pero hindi naman po ata tama na tawagin ni Korina na maligno s’ya.”
~Nancy Binay, daughter of VP Binay via a tweet to @HecklerForever
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
THANK YOU:
Epal Watch and @wenchie318 for the photos used here.
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abigail
9/12/2012 6:28:00 PM
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HERE’S A COMPILATION of some of my favorite items from January to June this year.
January 2012
Feng shui master Joseph Chau declares President Aquino will be lucky in love in the coming Year of the Water Dragon. In other news, another feng shui master predicts Mr. Chau will lose his credibility this year.
According to feng shui master Joseph Chau, President Aquino will be lucky in love this year adding that, “The First Lady is coming out.” To which, Secretary Mar Roxas said, “Don’t look at me.”
A feng shui expert says, in the coming Year of the Water Dragon, President Aquino will be a lucky man ‘romantically’. I wonder at whose expense.
Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.
Enrile, Cuevas and Facebook
Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.
Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.
February 2012
Liberal Party stalwart and senator-judge Franklin Drilon believes Chief Justice Renato Corona has unexplained wealth. An offended Corona retaliated and accused Drilon of having ‘unexplained health.’
Unfair
Pampanga 3rd District Rep. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. has filed House Resolution No. 2140 to appeal to the local TV and movie industry to “minimize, prevent, or stop” depicting congressmen as “villains or crooks” in movies and telenovelas. Simply put, Gonzales is teling movie and TV producers to lie.
Cong. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting congressmen as crooks. In a related news, a congregation of crocodiles is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting them as congressmen.
Singles
According to a study, there are 13 million single females and 16 million single males in the Philippines today. They are further categorized into two: ‘by choice,’ and ‘no choice.’
The Other Woman
Two women are now fighting over Cong. Iggy Arroyo’s remains: Aleli Arroyo, the legal wife, and Grace Ibuna, the live-in partner. Guess who’s going to win it big. Lorna Kapunan.
Grace Lee
President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.
Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.
Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.
James and Kris
Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.
March 2012
In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month – that time of the year when most fires are not prevented.
Deadly
In Manila, a man was stabbed following a dispute over a popular computer game. And my friend was like, “Holy sh*t, is the President safe?”
“The Hunger Games” tells the story of the rich and the powerful manipulating the poor and the helpless. It’s a huge hit among Filipinos. It’s OUR story.
In Indonesia, an eight-year-old boy smokes more than a pack of cigarettes per day. Observers believe the boy has a good chance of becoming president someday.
The Rich
A GMANewsTV special report found that 98 percent of incumbent congressmen were millionaires. The remaining 2 percent are slowly catching up.
April 2012
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.
Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”
Traffic
CNNGo.Com named Manila as the world’s third worst city for driving. That is totally unfair. Manila should have at least placed second.
May 2012
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”
No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.
Evil
THE PASAY CITY government is monitoring the concert of pop star Lady Gaga amid fears of some groups that she’ll perform “evil” acts. I wonder who is monitoring the day-to-day activities of the Pasay City government.
Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza says Lady Gaga is known for her offensive racy getups. Somebody must tell Atienza that his forever floral shirts are equally offensive.
The MMDA warned motorists to avoid all roads near the venue of Lady Gaga’s concert. Traffic’s going to be HELL.
Mrs. Villar
Everyone’s talking about the TV ad of Villar Foundation, Inc. The premature campaigning advertisement features former Congresswoman Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, wife of Sen. Manny Villar. The title of the ad is “Walang kadala-dala.”
June 2012
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda admits, “the President’s humor is dry.” Among other things.
Bi-Noy
Vice President Jejomar Binay was quoted to have said that he didn’t want to compare himself with President Aquino saying, “we’re not comparing apple to apple.” Sige, let’s say apple to duhat. Puwede na ba ‘yon?
Chasing Diapers
Multi-Grammy British pop artist Adele is pregnant with her first child. She is re-writing one of her songs and calling it ‘Rolling in the Crib.’
K to 12
According to a recent Social Weather Stations survey, 65 percent of Filipinos support the K to 12 program of the Department of Education… while 100 percent of Filipinos were wondering what on earth was “K to 12.”
Part-Time
According to the Department of Labor and Employment, more Filipinos are now working “part-time.” Then President Aquino said, “Don’t you give me that look!”
Longevity
According to a new study, children sired by older dads are going to live longer. President Aquino’s future kids are a lucky bunch.
Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.
Vice Governor Salvador?
Reports say actor Phillip Salvador will run for vice governor of Bulacan. Observers were shocked at his decision to run and were even more shocked to learn that he was from Bulacan.
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“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”
~Edward Gibbon
Flashback
The year was 2009. Then Senator Mar Roxas spoke against the “kaaswangan’ that was the proposed measure to amend the charter through Constituent Assembly. I wonder if his wife also keeps a stash of garlic to ward off those “maliliit and maiitim na maligno.”
Enjoy the rest of the week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
ituloy ko daytoy ken ni Apong Leo ket nakaturog san
thank you Professional Heckler
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Leo Beligan
9/21/2012 8:41:00 PM
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LET’S TAKE IT EASY this weekend with another dose of light bulb jokes. Enjoy!
Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to order the filing of a case against those who purchased the overpriced, low quality burnt bulb.
Q: How many presidential spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to spread the good news on Twitter.
Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to confirm the death of the old bulb and one to replace it.
Q: How many anti-RH Bill legislators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but he will probably delay it.
Q: How many Herbert Bautistas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put up a streamer announcing the accomplishment.
Q: How many Villafuertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One whole family. But expect infighting and discord during the installation.
Q: How many Lourdes Serenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If it’s God’s will, there will be light.
Q: How many Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He’s not interested. He’d rather change the Senate leadership.
Q: How many Alfredo Lims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: O, pwede nang dalawa. One to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.
Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. He’ll let somebody else do the task and claim later that he did it himself.
Q: How many Joel Villanuevas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change it and 50 to observe and learn from the free electrical training.
Q: How many Pinoys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.
Q: How many Ateneans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many Greg Slaughters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-half.
Q: How many Thomasians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it as four others chant, ‘Go USTe! Go USTe! Go USTe! Go! Go! Go! Go!”
Q: How many UP alumni does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one – holding the burnt bulb – to condemn state abandonment of education.
Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “F*ck off! Lagi na lang kaming punchline!”
Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have employees to do that for them.
Q: How many Marzan couples does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One couple to change it and another couple to beat the crap out of the burnt bulb.
Q: How many Vice Gandas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Napundi lang ang bumbilya, papalitan agad ng bago? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-kandila muna para tipid?”
A: Isa lang.
Q: How many Madam Aurings does it take to change a light bulb?
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“It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for any public office.”
~ H.L. Mencken
Quote of the Day
“Mabuti nga nagkakasya pa ang ulo niya sa elevator.”
~Former President Joseph Estrada accusing Sen. Antonio Trillanes of being arrogant and an ingrate
Personal
Good luck to the members and coaching staff of the UP Pep Squad who are seeking a 3-peat in the 2012 UAAP Cheerdance Competition on Saturday, Sept. 22 at SM MOA Steep Much Arena. To all the teams competing, break a leg. [Please don’t take that literally.]
Ibalik ang Cheerdance Competition sa Araneta Coliseum!
Happy weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
THANK YOU PROFESSIONAL HECKLER/LEO
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Leo Beligan
9/21/2012 8:44:00 PM
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LOI REYES LANDICHO
a.k.a. The Professional Heckler
Political Humor Blogger
http://www.professionalheckler.wordpress.com
Best Humor Blog: 2009 Philippine Blog Awards
Best Entertainment Blog: 2008 Philippine Blog Awards
Los Angeles Lakers Fan Since Birth
Agyaman kami unay kadagiti maka-ayayo nga Blog mo Loi Reyes Landicho.
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Leo Beligan
9/24/2012 6:20:00 PM
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New post on The Professional Heckler
FAMILY AFFAIR
by professionalheckler
SENATOR KOKO PIMENTEL guested on the comedy show ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ last Sunday. The re-electionist senator sang a Billy Joel hit and gamely performed the latest dance craze - PSY’s hit single Oppa Gangnam Style Mo Bulok!
During the interview, Senator Koko Pimentel revealed that he's a Math major in college. In fact he taught us a math lesson that evening: Popular TV Show + Song and Dance Number + 2013 Elections = Alam Na!
Ex-future Senator Joel
TESDA Director General Joel Villanueva has dropped his plan to run for senator next year. But the former party-list solon who ranked 24th–32nd in the latest SWS senatorial survey said, “Even if I was in the Top 12 Survey, it wouldn’t affect my decision.” And President Aquino was like, “LP’s decision!”
Dynasty
If recent surveys are any indication, starting next year, the Senate will have two Cayetanos, two Estradas, and two Enriles. And that’s too much!
Next year, there will be two Cayetanos, two Estradas, and two Enriles in the Senate. How do you explain such travesty to the little children?
The theme of the Philippine Senate starting next year is “Sama-Sama Sa Senado Pamilyang Pilipino.”
Cam Sur
One of Bicol’s political dynasties, the Villafuertes are still feuding. The senior Villafuerte wants to divide Camarines Sur; the junior Villafuerte wants to keep it intact. I didn’t know they own the province.
Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao will be the official gubernatorial candidate in Sarangani of the United Nationalists Alliance or UNA next year. Pacquiao, who first ran as a Liberal in 2007, became a member of Gloria Arroyo’s Kampi in 2008, and later, pledged allegiance to Manny Villar’s Nacionalista Party for the 2010 polls. He then announced his plans to join President Aquino’s Liberal Party. Last April, he formally took his oath as a member of Vice President Binay’s PDP-Laban. Pacquiao is definitely channeling his inner Muhammad Ali. You know, “float like a butterfly.”
LP 2013
Have you seen the Liberal Party slate for next year’s 2013 midterm elections? It’s everything but Liberal!
Colegio San Agustin
Did you hear the news about the gun-toting incident at Colegio San Agustin? Here’s a backgrounder: Boy 1 repeatedly bullied Boy 2. Boy 2 thought he’s had enough, retaliated and stabbed Boy 1 with a pen. Then came the bully’s father, Allan Bantiles who stormed the school premises, confronted and slapped the 16-year-old bullying victim and pointed a .45 caliber at him. The incident happened last month but the police has yet to charge the suspect. In other news, Colegio San Agustin has just been declared “The Most Gun-Friendly School” in the metro. Congratulations!
Gun-toting suspect Allan Bantiles has declined to grant media interviews and refused to face journalists. Unless the journalist is 16-years-old.
SWS Survey
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, fewer Filipinos think that they are poor. Sus, gutom lang ‘yan.
Jesus!
According to reports, a fragment of a faded papyrus from the fourth century suggests Jesus Christ may have been married. And the best way to validate the claim is to gather first-hand information. Let’s ask Senator Enrile.
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“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi
Quote of the Day
"Matapos ang buwang pagluhod sa pananalangin, pag-aayuno, at maging pakikipag-ugnayan ko sa aking kababayan, buong pagpapakumbabang nagdesisyon po ako na manatili sa gabinete ni Pangulong Aquino at ituloy ang pagsisilbi sa bayan.”
~TESDA Director General Joel Villanueva
Personal
Congratulations to the UP Pep Squad! You've made 8 happen! Woohoo!!!
Have a safe and productive week!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
9/30/2012 9:22:00 PM
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AFTER A PUBLIC SPAT with Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile’s promotional video documentary was shown on ABS-CBN followed by the release of his memoir by ABS-CBN Publishing. Observers say the book was good but the timing was better.
Senator Enrile’s book launch was a well-attended event. Former presidents, first ladies, generals and their wives, businessmen, influential politicians, ex-activists turned government executives, prominent lawyers, Botoxed society women, etc. I mean, this is what ails this country. Really.
According to reports, President Aquino wasn’t able to read Enrile’s memoir before he went to the book launch. Otherwise, he would have skipped the event.
Described by many as a political survivor, Senator Enrile’s memoir opened with a detailed account of his childhood. He was one of only two babies who survived the infamous slaughter of the innoncents.
“Juan Ponce Enrile: A Memoir” has 754 pages. It ends with an intense narrative on Renato Corona’s impeachment trial and begins with a heartwarming chapter on Enrile’s friendship with his pet velociraptor.
Senator Enrile’s book costs P1,650 per copy. It’s available at National Bookstore’s “Believe It Or Not” Section.
In Other News…
The filing of certificates of candidacy for the 2013 midterm elections begins October 1. It also marks the unofficial start of the campaign period.
From October 1 to 5, politicians will troop to Comelec offices to file their certificates of candidacy. We have a term for that: circus.
Joke
Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes was quoted to have said that the country’s party-list system had become a big joke. 1-AAAAgree ako d’yan!
Poll watchdog Kontra Daya says socialite Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco, wife of former Congressman Peping Cojuangco is the first nominee of a party-list group that claims to represent small farmers. Unconfirmed reports say the group is called “Lokohan Na ‘To!”
Hungry
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed the number of hungry Filipinos had dropped to 47 percent. The rest are dead.
The Priest
Did you hear the news about the Church official from Cebu who admitted to smuggling religious artifcats made of ivory? It turned out that the same Church official once faced a lawsuit for sexually abusing an altar boy. The report has compelled Satan to issue a statement saying, “I have never been this proud. Keep it up Monsignor!”
Heaven-Sent?
After taking her oath as a member of the United Nationalist Alliance, aspiring lawmaker and talent manager Annabelle Rama said, “Parang hulog ako ng Sto. Niño para sa aking mga kababayan na, alam ko, kailangang-kailangan nila ang tulong ko.” To which the Sto. Niño replied, “I have nothing to do with that. Promise!”
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“Elections determine who is in power, but they do not determine how power is used.”
~Paul Collier
Quote of the Day
“I’ve been judged and condemned many times but I feel only the ultimate judgment of God and history.
~Juan Ponce Enrile
Have a great week ahead!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
10/5/2012 8:47:00 PM
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REELECTIONIST SENATOR Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero has admitted that actress Heart Evangelista is his girlfriend. Escudero made the admission Friday, a few hours before the 5PM deadline set by the Commission on Elections.
Senator Chiz Escudero has admitted that Heart is his girlfriend – a revelation that totally shocked… no one.
It’s official: Senator Chiz Escudero has a girlfriend. That’s one less lonely senator.
Senator Chiz Escudero and Heart Evangelista are officially in a relationship. When Congress resumes session next week, the Senate will confer on Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago the ‘Pambansang Matchmaker’ award.
Reelectionist senator Chiz Escudero has admitted that he’s got a new girlfriend. Not to be outdone, reelectionist Senator Jamby Madrigal will admit that she’s got a new political party.
BREAKING: Senator Chiz Escudero has changed his Facebook info from ‘Single’ to ‘In A Relationship.’ In totally unrelated news, President Aquino and Senator Koko Pimentel changed their Facebook info from ‘Single’ to ‘Inggit Much.’
Unverified reports say in the event of a wedding, President Aquino is willing to donate his own money (P70,000) for the wedding cake.
Quote of the Weak
“Magpa-file ako ng bill o resolution na alisin na ang libel para kami puwede na ring magmura, kayo puwede na ring magmura – at bakit, sila lang ang pwede?”
~Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III
Senator, Republic of the Philippines
Vicente Sotto III says he’s willing to file a bill that would totally scrap the libel law in the Philippines. Unbelievable! To be fair though, that idea, that very brilliant is a Sotto original.
Pole dancing instructor Ciara Sotto says her father, Vicente Castelo Sotto III is “unaffected” by online criticisms. Makes me wonder how Sotto would be like if he gets affected.
Amid the growing opposition to the highly-controversial Cybercrime Law, Ciara Sotto tweeted, “If your conscience is malinis…. Thou shall not be inis.” TELL that to your father!
Senatoriables
Former president Ferdinand Marcos’ political party, the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan or KBL is fielding nine candidates for senator next year. Take that Liberal Party!
KBL has nine candidates for the senatorial race in 2013. Really?! There’s still KBL?!??
Erin Tañada is dumped. Jamby Madrigal is accepted. Jamby makes peace with the Villars. Jamby shakes hands with Villar’s staunch defender – Alan Peter. Annabelle Rama files COC for a seat in Congress; Victor Wood will run again for senator, and Jinkee Pacquiao wants to be vice governor. Well played Mayans, well played.
Facebook Milestone
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook has reached its 1 billionth user on October 4. To which, MySpace founders said, “Whateverrr!”
Mark Zuckerberg announces there are now 1 billion active Facebook users in the world. I still hate your TIMELINE Zuckerberg!
Of the 7 billion people in the world, 1 billion are Facebook users. In other words, 1 in 7 people has a Facebook account. There’s a term for the other 6 – productive.
With almost 30 million Facebook users, the Philippines ranks 8th worldwide according to the latest survey. That survey ranking was impressive. In fact, if the Philippines were a person, it would probably be drafted either by UNA or the LP coalition.
Aging Population
The number of people aged 60 years old and above is expected to soar in 10 years. Or as the Philippine Senate would say, “Now.”
UAAP 75 Finals
The UAAP Finals begin Saturday, Oct. 6. It’s the Ateneo Blue Eagles vs. the UST Growling Tigers. I heard that even the battle between supporters of both schools will be fierce. If you’re an Atenean, don’t go near UST. And if you’re a Thomasian, don’t go near FEU!
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“It’s always about timing. If it’s too soon, no one understands. If it’s too late, everyone’s forgotten.”
~Anna Wintour
Elsewhere
Bloggers and netizens vs. Cybercrime Law: Here’s the copy of the petition filed Thursday, October 4
GMA News: List of Senate hopefuls as of October 5, 2012
Rappler: Enrile’s tale: Hypocrisy and contradictions
Have a healthy weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
[Photos: Sotto: WhenInManila.Com; Chiz:PTV News]
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Leo Beligan
10/9/2012 8:00:00 PM
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THEY WANT ATTENTION, we’ll give them attention. For free. This is the fifth in a series of anti-epal ‘quizzes.’ Enjoy!
1: Sa Parañaque, ganito ang makikita sa waiting shed. Batay sa larawan sa ‘taas, sinong konsehal kaya ng lungsod ang may pakana nito?
A: Ang hirap naman ng tanong. Wala bang clue?
B: Can I call a friend?
C: BB Gandanghari
2: Ito ay kuha sa Pasig City kung saan alkalde si Roberto Eusebio. I wonder kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng letter ‘e’ sa lamppost at sa gate ng pampublikong gusali. What do you think? Ano kaya ‘yong ‘e?’
A: Hmmm, feeling ko ‘entrance.’ Kaya nga nasa gate eh, kasi ‘e’ is for entrance. ‘Yong nasa lamppost naman, baka elaw. Upang magliwanag ang lungsod, dapat elawan.
B: Pucha, pilit na pilit naman ‘yong ‘entrance’ at ‘elaw.’ Sa totoo lang, ‘e’ stands for ‘education.’ Alam mo naman si mayor, labis-labis ang pagpapahalaga sa edukasyon.
C: Mga plastic! Prangkahin n’yo na! Those Es stand for Eusebio. Bakit? Sina HB at SB lang ba ng QC ang pwedeng umepal? Hindi! Walang may monopolyo ng kaepalan!
3: Hindi lang sa Pasig City may pautot na ganyan. Sa Cebu, kung saan gobernador si Gwendolyn Garcia, may e-GWEN Highway naman. May gusto kang itanong?
A: What the f*ck is e-GWEN Highway? Electronic ang kalye?!? May free wi-fi?!?
B: Sino ba si e-GWEN? Kamag-anak ba ‘yan ni e-LOAD?
C: Allowed ba sa batas ‘yon? Humihinga pa, may nakapangalan nang kalsada!
4: Sorry daw for the inconvenience. Bakit nagso-sorry ang congresswoman mula sa Bulacan?
A: Eh kasi nga, mas malawak pa ang kanyang pangalan kesa sa proyektong ipinangangalandakan.
B: Nag-sorry siya dahil medyo dull ang signage. Nalimutan kasi niyang maglagay ng malaking picture katulad ng ‘sang ‘to.
C: Bakit nga kaya e-GWEN ang pangalan ng highway na ‘yon sa Cebu? Sorry, nasa No. 3 pa rin ang utak ko.
5: Isa siya sa mga kandidato ng UNA for senator. Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa larawan at pangalan n’ya sa katawan ng bus?
A: Sobrang liit. Hindi makita, hindi rin mabasa. Lakihan pa sana.
B: Hiyang-hiya naman sa kanya si Claire De La Fuente.
C: Nasaan ang bus? Wala akong makita!
6: Sa dating balwarte ni Ate Vi, may ganitong karatula. Ano ang nais iparating ng nakasulat?
A: Wala lang. Winelcome lang niya ang sarili niya. Miss na raw niya eh.
B: “May budget kami para sa mahabaaaaaaaaaaaaang tarpaulin at mahaaaaaaaaabang pangalan ko. Walang pakialaman.”
C: “‘Pag ‘di n’yo pa naman ako napansin, ewan ko na lang!”
7: Basahin ang nakasulat. Ano ang ibig sabihin ng “Through the Initiative?
A: Mahiya daw kayo sa kanya. Siya raw ang lumakad upang magkaroon kayo ng bagong kalsada.
B: Almost election na. Alam n’yo na!
C: “Through the initiative!” In Tagalog, “utang na loob.” Kung ‘di dahil sa kanya, wala kayong basketball court. Tandaan n’yo ‘yan!
8: Happy Fiesta! Kuha ito sa Jaro, Iloilo City. Sino ang nasa larawan?
A: Siya ang mahal na patron ng kapistahan.
B: Siya ang gumastos sa banda at sa pamisa. ‘Wag nang magreklamo.
C: Kung maka-pose naman si Konsehal! Ano ba ‘to? Pagbati sa fiesta o poster sa kampanya?
9: Ayon sa tarp, si Iloilo City Mayor Jed Patrick Mabilog daw ay may PhD in management. At take note huh, UNO sa oral defense. Anong say mo?
A: ‘T@ng-in@! Anong pakialam namin!?!
B: Isa lang ang masasabi ko: bagay kay mayor ang apelyido niya!
C: Wala kayo sa mayor namin! Ang mayor namin… Best in HEKASI noong Grade 6. Tse!
10: Sa Valenzuela City, ito ang nasa cover ng mga aklat. Question: Ano sa palagay n’yo ang pamagat ng libro?
A: Papansin 101: Isandaan at isang paraan ng pagpapa-pogi sa nasasakupan
B: Starting Them Young: Unang Hakbang sa Kaepalan
C: Ang Aklat na Parang Kape Lang: Kampanyang 3-in-1
11: ‘Join Us Now. Obtaining No to Geothermal Exploration.’ Ano ang mensahe ni Mayor?
A: We wouldn’t gets, isn’t it? The message is truly ugly relaying as concept ideas.
B: Because the colors of each acronym letters is to matched the inicials of the mayor in the incumbent. Cleared?
C: Its not the errored grammar thats important. Its the thought that counts moreover in Christmas.
D: (Yes, for the first time, may letter D sa choices!) Punyeta. Eepal din lang, ayaw pang ayusin. Kainis!
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“A good advertisement is one which sells the product without drawing attention to itself.”
~ David Ogilvy
BREAKING:
President Aquino has made peace with the MILF. When will he make peace with Cybercrime Law oppositors?
Quote of the Weekend
“The Supreme Court will reject the law because under the vagueness doctrine, it provides for punishment, without specifying what conduct is punishable and therefore, the law is void because it violates due process.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on the Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012
Petition
For those who missed, here’s the petition filed by bloggers and netizens vs the Cybercrime Law last Thursday
Have a safe, productive and FREE week ahead!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
For the epal photos, maraming salamat:
Epal Watch, No More Epal (Facebook), Nazareno See, Gerry Rodriguez, Pedro Benjo De Guzman, Cathy Abanador, Que Castillo, and Orland Labausa. For submissions, email them at epaliticians@yahoo.com. Thank you.
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Leo Beligan
10/12/2012 8:43:00 AM
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IT’S BEEN THREE months since the devil last spoke on issues and events here in the Philippines. Fresh from its two-month vacation in Venezuela where it influenced the recently concluded presidential elections, the devil agreed to be interviewed – again. Here’s the unedited transcript of the exclusive conversation.
Uy, ‘musta ka na? Ang tagal mong nawala ah!
Ganun? Concerned? Close tayo?
Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Demonyo ka pa rin!
OMD! Thank you!
OMD?
Oh my Devil! Tanga!
Wow, kung maka-tanga ka ah. Since ngayon ka lang nagparamdam ulit, gusto sana muna kitang tanungin tungkol sa ‘di pa rin mamatay-matay na isyung kinasasangkutan ni Senador Tito Sotto.
Alin do’n? Ang dami no’n huh! I’m impressed.
Ahm, unahin na natin ang plagiarism.
O, anong isyu do’n? Pinalaki n’yo lang ‘yun eh. Kung tutuusin, simpleng bagay lang naman talaga ‘yon. Nag-research ang staff niya, kinopya, ‘tapos walang attribution, binasa. Anong problema? The act was laudable!
Pati ‘yong aroganteng defense niya? Pati ‘yong ‘di niya pagso-sorry sa ginawa n’ya? Laudable?
Of course!
Despicable!
Thank you!
So inaamin mong kagagawan mo ang napaulat na pag-plagiarize niya at ‘yong naging asal niya?
Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!
O, bakit parang umiiwas ka?
Helllloooo! Cybercrime Law. Libel. Alam mo na!
‘Yong devil takot sa libel??!
Bakit? Ikaw ba hindi?
Takot.
Boom! Ha-ha
Fuck you!
Thank you!
Wait, paano nakalusot ang Cybercrime Law kung depektibo ang ilang probisyon nito?
‘Yon na nga ang ikinaiinis ko eh.
‘Yong defective ang law?
Hindi! ‘Yong TRO! Perfect na sana eh. Lulusot na sana, bigla ba namang nakialam ang Korte Suprema. Booooo! KJ kayong matatanda d’yan sa Padre Faura! May araw din kayo. Buwisit!
Pa’no ‘yan, maraming senador ang kumikilos para maayos ang batas.
Isa pa ‘yang mga ‘yan! Ang kakapal ng mukha! I was there eh! I was guiding them when they passed that freaking law! ‘Tapos ngayon kanya-kanyang distansya, kanya-kanyang palusot, kanya-kanyang pautot at pag-amin na nagkamali sila! I’m disappointed!
How about the President?
OMD! I have never been this proud of Noynoy. Nag-overachieve siya sa usaping ito. I’m giving him 4 out of 5 stars! Nai-imagine ko na ang nararamdamang inis nina Cory at Ninoy do’n sa kabila. Awesome!
And Leila De Lima?
Wow. Unexpected turnaround. Kung noon ay isinusumpa ko siya bilang human rights advocate, ngayon, love na love ko na siya. I am giving her 4 out of 5 shawls! Magaling!
Napag-uusapan na rin lang natin ang batas, narinig mo na ba ang Freedom of Information Bill?
Alin? ‘Yong ipinangako ng presidente n’yo noong kampanya ‘tapos nilalangaw ngayon sa Kongreso? Dapat palitan na lang ang pangalan ng bill. Mas ok ang Freedom of Impormasyong Inaamag. Har-har-har
Ikaw ba ang may pakana ng delay?
May iba pa ba? Bakit ko naman papayagang pumasa ang FOI… eh ‘di mabuking ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga walanghiya sa gobyerno? Utot n’yo! Hangga’t wala ang FOI Law, tuloy ang ligaya ng mga diablo!
I dare you! Name names! Sinu-sino ba ‘yang mga diablo?
Ayaw ko. Eight years ang libel ‘no!
Duwag na demonyo!
Thank you!
Isyung pulitika naman tayo. Nagbati na sina Jamby Madrigal at ang kampo ni Manny Villar ‘tsaka sina Jamby at Alan Peter Cayetano. ‘Di ba… halos magpatayan ang mga ‘yan noong 2010 elections?
So? Anong masama sa patayan? Cool nga ‘yon eh! Actually, I still admire them now. Nuknukan ng kaplast… ooops Cybercrime Law, nuknukan ng forgiving. Lahat ay gagawin para sa 2013 elections! Yehey!
Nabalitaan mo na ba? ‘Yong mag-lolong Villafuerte, magkalaban daw sa 2013 sa Bicol!
Lolong? Buwaya ‘ba ‘yon?
Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!
Gago ka ba? Pahamak ka ah! Nililinaw ko lang. Sabi mo ‘Lolong.’ Eh ‘di ba buwaya ‘yon?
Sabi ko mag-lolong Villafuerte! Grandfather vs grandson ang maglalaban!!!!!!
Galit ka? Kailangan talaga anim na exclamation points?
Hindi. Nililinaw ko rin lang.
Ahhhh sila ba ‘yong pamilyang may-ari yata ng Camarines Sur? Tama lang ‘yan! Hayaan mo silang mag-away-away. Mas exciting ‘yon. Matagal ko nang minamanmanan ang mga Villafuerte. Before World War II, nasa puwesto na ang mga ‘yan. Inabutan na sila ng Twitter, YouTube, stem cell therapy at One Direction, nasa puwesto pa rin. Sino ba namang ‘di mawiwili? Political dynasty is the best policy!
Ano namang masasabi mo sa pagtakbo ni Jinkee Pacquiao for vice governor of Sarangani?
Sino ‘yon?
Wow. Grabe ka huh. Hindi mo kilala ang first lady ng boxing?
Siyempre kilala ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko na siya makilala.
Susuportahan mo ba siya?
Matagal ko nang itinakwil ang mag-asawang ‘yan. Hindi na sila ma-reach. Hindi ako makalapit! Araw-araw, basa nang basa ng Bible. Eeew.
Btw, may kopya ka na ba ng libro ni Senator Enrile? ‘Yong kanyang memoir?
Of course! At nando’n ako sa book launch ‘noh! I was hobnobbing with the elite and the powerful!
Close kayo ni Senator?
Kinda.
Alam n’ya?
Feeling ko.
Feeling ka huh!
Let’s put it this way. On and off ang friendship namin. May time na masunurin siya sa akin at may pagkakataon namang, papogi sa publiko ang pucha.
So anong masasabi mo sa statement ni Senator Enrile na, “… I fear only the ultimate judgment of God and history.”
God? Whateverrr. Wait for the day that I judge you!
Nagbabanta ka? Ehem… may Cybercrime Law.
Ehem… may TRO.
Whatever!!! Maiba ako, nabasa mo ba ang editorial ng The Varsitarian ng UST? Anong masasabi mo sa banat ng Varsi na “intellectual pretenders at interlopers” daw ang mga propesor ng Ateneo at La Salle?
I was stunned. I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was lovin’ it! Go USTe! For a moment, nakaramdam ako ng pride. Whoever wrote that scathing editorial’s got a lot of promise; a potential protégé! ‘Yan tuloy, maraming nang-aalaska sa UST nang talunin ng Ateneo sa finals. Lemons n’yo raw ang mukha n’yo! Ang saya! Keep it up Varsitarian!
Before I let you go, ano palang masasabi mo sa buhok ni Charice sa X Factor Philippines?
Demonyo ako, hindi stylist!
Sus! Nagpapalusot?
You wish!
Eh ano, takot sa Cybecrime Law?
Tanga! Takot ako sa fans ni Charice! Ikaw ba hindi?
Takot.
Ok, next question please.
Naniniwala ka ba sa maligno?
Sa totoong maligno o sa pangalawang pangulo?
Hooooooy! Hindi maligno si Vice President Binay!
Bakit? May sinabi ba akong Binay? Kapag pangalawang pangulo ba, Binay agad? Hindi ba pwedeng pangalawang pangulo ng PTA muna o Fejodap o PasigTODA?
Hay naku. Palusot na naman. Iwan na nga natin ang isyung ‘to.
I’m sure takot ka lang sa Cybercrime Law!
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Leo Beligan
10/16/2012 6:28:00 PM
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FIRST, SOME GOOD NEWS. The government has signed a historic peace pact with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. The Arroyos could only wish they were the MILF.
The peace accord was the good news. And in better news, Ralph Recto has resigned irrevocably as chairman of the Senate ways and means committee.
In a privilege speech last week, Senator Ralph Recto described his version of the sin tax bill as “reasonable, realistic and responsible.” Or as tobacco companies would call it, “Awesome!”
After getting flak for his “watered down” version of the sin tax bill, Sen. Ralph Recto said he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Recto was supposed to describe himself as the “whipping boy” but he feared Tito Sotto would accuse him of plagiarism.
In another privilege speech Monday, Ralph Recto claimed he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Tito Sotto had also complained of being the favorite “whipping boy.” On behalf of millions of Filipinos who are mired in poverty and who have not eaten a decent meal in months, we would like to apologize to Senators Sotto and Recto. Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo. Aping-api na pala kayo. Patawad po.
Last week, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said that he’s so tired and stressed he might just resign as majority floor leader. And Nike was like, “Just do it!”
More Good News
The Commission on Elections has disqualified 22 more party-list organizations including two groups with incumbent representatives in the Lower House simply because they do NOT represent marginalized sectors. The disqualification was slammed by the groups’ leaders who vowed to rally their constituents – as soon as they find one.
Ex-Allies Fight
Did you hear the news? Akbayan and Anakbayan supporters had a scuffle earlier today. At one point, the shouting match turned violent… prompting the Malaysian Prime Minister to intervene.
Senatorial Bets
The Comelec has approved the candidacy of at least 27 out of 84 senatorial hopefuls. The rest may resume their jobs in the circus.
VP to Vatican
President Aquino picked Vice President Binay to represent him in Vatican City for the canonization of Blessed Pedro Calungsod. Binay accepted the assignment to the Holy See to, once and for all disprove rumors he’s a ‘maligno.’
Handwashing Day
The Global Handwashing Day was observed Monday, October 15… although senators who passed the Cybercrime Law have been doing that for the past three weeks.
Lucy Liu
On ‘The Late Night Show With David Letterman,’ Hollywood actress Lucy Liu said she preferred running indoors than outdoors because, “If I get really dark, I’ll start to look a little Filipino.” Apparently, Liu doesn’t want to look like Filipino… to which many Filipinos reacted, “Kami rin.”
Hot Planet
Astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. But that’s really nothing compared to Korea, which has thousands.
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“Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide.”
~Kurt Vonnegut
Quote of the Day
“But this framework agreement, no matter how we object to it, in my opinion is a blessing in disguise to us. This would lead to the demise of the MILF – 17,000 of their armed forces have shifted loyalty to us and many more are coming back to us. None of them will be left. It is like a sinking ship.”
~Moro National Liberation Front Chairman Nur Misuari on the MILF-GRP peace accord
Have a peaceful week!
AGYMANAN KAMI UNAY PROFESSIONAL HECKLER
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Leo Beligan
10/19/2012 7:24:00 AM
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Posted: 18 Oct 2012 02:40 AM PDT
WHAT FUTURE awaits our leaders? Narito ang mga obserbasyon, hula, at babala ng mga bituin.
Ngunit katulad ng sa tuwina’y paalala ni Ms Zenaida Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”
Ulitin natin. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, basahin nang malakas: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” WOW, inulit nga! Masunuring bata! Susuwertehin ka mamaya!
President NOYNOY AQUINO
Birth: Feb. 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Favorable ang galaw ng mga bituin sa aspetong propesyonal. Ngunit hindi ito ang taon upang ikaw ay magmahal. Dalawang buwan na lang, Pasko na. Huwag nang tangkaing humabol; wala kang makikita. Susuwertehin ang iyong lovelife sa taong 2009. Ay, tapos na pala. Sorry, sana nagpakasal ka na. Mauulit ang suwerteng ‘yan after 76 years. Halley’s comet lang ang peg.
Sen. FRANCIS ESCUDERO
Birth: October 10, 1969
Sign: Libra
Tutukan ang karelasyon upang kayo ay magtagal. Kung hindi mo tututukan, baka humanap ng iba ‘yan.
Sen. RALPH RECTO
Birth: January 11, 1964
Sign: Capricorn
Matindi ang banggaan ng mga planeta kaya’t inabot ka ng kamalasan sa linggong ito. Huwag mag-alala. Sa mga susunod na buwan ay may darating na La Suerte, este, suwerte. Sorry.
Vice President JOJO BINAY
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Samantalahin ang stay sa Vatican upang magsisi sa mga nagawang kasalanan. Marami-rami rin ‘yon. (Alam mo na!) Gayunman, ‘wag daanin sa dasal ang away ninyo ni Ate Koring. Hindi ka pa niya handang patawarin. Not in this lifetime.
Congressional Candidate ANNABELLE RAMA
Birth: October 1955
Sign: Scorpio
Naninibago ang mga bituin sa ‘yo. Masyado kang tahimik, at wala yatang kaaway lately. That’s disturbing. Magpa-check up ka na.
Vice Gubernatorial Candidate JINKEE PACQUIAO
Birth: January 12, 1979
Sign: Capricorn
Ang payo ng mga bituin: kilalanin mo muna nang lubusan ang iyong sarili bago tuluyang pasukin ang magulong mundo ng pulitika. Humarap sa salamin. Kung hindi mo makilala ang ‘yong sarili, kami rin. May panahon pa para umatras.
Former Sen. ERNESTO MACEDA
Birth: March 26, 1935
Sign: Aries
Namonitor ng mga bituin ang iyong maagang pangangampanya sa AM radio. Meron ka na agad (endorsement) plug. Wala ka pa ring ‘pinagbago. Iyan ang ikakatalo mo.
Sen. TITO SOTTO
Birth: August 24, 1948
Sign: Virgo
Wala kang horoscope. Wala ang mga bituin. Umalis. Tulog!
Pampanga Rep. GLORIA MACAPAGAL-ARROYO
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Nalulungkot ang mga bituin sa sinapit mong kapalaran. Joooke!
Mayoral Candidate RICHARD GOMEZ
Birth: April 7, 1966
Sign: Aries
Hanga sa ‘yo ang mga bituin sa pagiging pursigido mo. Wala kang kadala-dala sa pulitika. This time though, naniniwala ang mga bituin na papalarin ka na. Dapat lang siguro! Nagkalat ang mukha mo sa buong Ormoc ‘noh! Ewan na lang ‘pag ‘di ka pa nanalo.
Sen. JUAN PONCE ENRILE
Birth: February 14, 1924
Sign: Aquarius
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Nang isilang ka kasi ay hindi pa uso ang horoscope. Pass na muna.
Sen. KOKO PIMENTEL
Birth: January 20, 1964
Sign: Aquarius
Huwag ikalungkot ang isinampang annulment petition ng iyong dating asawa. May darating ding pag-ibig para sa ‘yo. Kung hindi man ngayon, baka bukas; kung hindi man seksi, baka classy; kung hindi man babae, baka… Basta. May darating. You can never tell.
QC Rep. WINNIE CASTELO
Birth: April 19, 1963
Sign: Aries
Huwag ituloy ang planong pagpapagupit. Huwag ring makinig sa mga batikos at kabi-kabilang panlalait. Marami lang talagang naiinggit. Tandaan, everybody is unique. Halimbawa, kami, judgmental… tapos ikaw, epal. Ganun.
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“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves; we are underlings.”
~William Shakespea | |