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Leo Beligan
1/21/2016 5:59:00 AM



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Leo Beligan
6/2/2016 9:22:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

"Just because you're a journalist doesn't mean you're exempted from assassination if you are a son of a bitch.”
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s controversial statement on the killing of corrupt journalists sparked outrage recently. Incoming presidential spokesperson Salvado Panelo, defense lawyer of the Ampatuans, said the media who “took Duterte out of context” must be more “discerning” about the foul-mouthed mayor’s statements. Panelo stressed, “Duterte is against all ILLEGAL killings.” The Davao Death Squad couldn’t stop laughing.

The president-elect’s spokesman during the campaign, Peter Laviña said Duterte was “taken out of context” by the media. Everytime Duterte’s controversial statements get flak, Laviña would correct those who “misinterpret” his statements - fueling speculations he’ll soon be appointed director of the Bureau of Corrections.

When a reporter covering his press conference insisted that bad journalism was not an excuse for murder, President-elect Duterte replied, “You have to debate with the killer, not me.” In other news, the Ampatuans just announced they have found a new lawyer.

A: Sexy Time
Duterte: Darling, sobrang lamig ng aircon. Naka-kamison ka. Naka-brief lang ako. Patay na ang ilaw. Alam mo na!

Woman: Grabe ka naman darling. Kagabi lang at kaninang umaga, nagtalik tayo ah. ‘Di ka ba napapagod?

Duterte: Huh?! Na-misinterpret mo na naman ako darling! Wala akong sinabing magtatalik tayo! ‘Tang ina! Matulog na nga tayo!

B: The Bodyguard
Duterte: O, Bogart. Iniwanan ka na naman pala ng girlfriend mo. Siguro ikaw talaga ang problema. Alam mo ba ‘yong Viagra?

Bodyguard: Sir, bente-siyete anyos lang ako. Hindi ko problema ang pagtayo ng ari ko.

Duterte: Bakit?! May sinabi ba akong may problema ka sa ari mo? Nagtanong lang ako dahil wala akong alam tungkol sa Viagra! Out of context ka, gago!

C: Bongbong
Duterte: Wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo dahil malaki ang paggalang ko sa ‘yo. We’re friends.

Bongbong Marcos: Salamat Mayor. Ano bang balak mong ibigay na puwesto sa akin after ng one-year ban sa mga natalong kandidato?

Duterte: May sinabi ba akong bibigyan kita ng puwesto? Ang sabi ko lang wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo. ‘Wag mo akong i-misinterpret. Sira ulo!

Change Is Coming
Trash-talking Mayor Duterte promises "metamorphosis" once he is sworn into office. Change will come he says. For example, he'll lessen his "Putang inas" to 20 per week from the usual 50.
Political operator Pastor Boy Saycon who was claiming election fraud tried to stop the proclamation of President-elect Rodrigo Duterte and Vice President-elect Leni Robredo last Monday. He failed! But Saycon was so funny, he was given three minutes by Congress to do stand up comedy.

Pastor Boy Saycon accuses the Liberal Party of rigging the elections in Quezon Province. His three witnesses, all Iglesia Ni Cristo members, claimed 500,000 votes were shaved from Bongbong Marcos and added to the votes of Leni Robredo. But official results showed Robredo only got a total of 385,164 votes in the province. Congress told Saycon and his INC witnesses to return some other day but advised them to exert more effort rehearsing their lines.
Reptile Alert
A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a Florida golf course. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for some. In the Philippines, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

A giant alligator was filmed loping across a golf course in Florida. Filipinos praised the reptile for taking a stroll without a bodyguard.
“Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad."

Sound Bites
“Puta’ng ina! Sinabi ko mga ugok, puta’ng ina. I can lose the presidency, my life, my honor. Just don’t fuck with me. Huwag n’yo na akong takutin. Boycott, boycott, leche kayo, e ‘di mag-boycott kayo!”
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

Six years. And he hasn’t officially started yet. SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
6/9/2016 6:04:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
DURING THE election period, PDP-Laban had only three members in the House of Representatives. Last week, the party successfully lured almost 200 solons into forming a ‘super majority’ in the Lower House. That’s not surprising though. Horticulturists say the balimbing tree produces fruits faster in a soil full of shit and manure.

President-elect Rodrigo Duterte says he’ll no longer grant media interviews. Right now, only the crew of PTV 4 is being allowed entry to Duterte’s guest house in Davao City. To those asking, “PTV” stands for People’s Television and “4” is the average number of people who tune in to that channel everyday.

Incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief Martin Andanar says the Duterte administration may print its own tabloid. They haven’t decided on the tabloid’s name yet but Duterte is reportedly keen on calling it ‘Balitang Ina Mo.’
After spending 50 years in politics, hardworking senator Juan Ponce Enrile has said goodbye to public service. The 92-year-old says he will not involve himself again in politics and intends to just focus on the future. Which is near. And I mean, very near.

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. If there is justice in this world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Goodbye II
Also over, Bong Revilla’s and Jinggoy Estrada’s senatorial terms. They can now concentrate on their jail terms.

President-elect Duterte’s choice for House Speaker, Davao del Norte Rep. Pantaleon Alvarez says the 17th Congress will lower the age of criminal liability from the current 15 years old to 12 years old. Alvarez has cited reports that more and more children are being used by criminal syndicates in their operations. If the proposed bill is approved, criminal liability will be from 12 to Juan Ponce Enrile.

Election laws state that candidates must submit their statement of contributions and expenditures to the Commission on Elections. This year, the deadline was June 8 which coincidentally was declared World Fiction Writing Day.

Walang Himala
The Vatican has decreed that the reported apparitions of the Virgin Mary and the shower of rose petals in Lipa City, Batangas in 1948 had no supernatural basis. That came as a shock since it was announced by the same group of people who still believe in talking snakes or that humans can turn into pillars of salt.
US Polls
It’s official. Hillary Clinton will go head-to-head with Donald Trump in the US presidential elections this November. Clinton is the official candidate of the Democratic Party while controversial Trump won the nomination of PDP-Laban.
“There's something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty.”

Sound Bites
“Sorry huh. Talagang ano ako, boycott talaga until the end of my term. ‘Pag interview, maraming mali, marami namang criticism, so better no interview, no criticism, no wrong statement, no nothing
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

“Such provocative messages indicate to any person who is displeased by the work of a journalist or an activist, for example, that they can attack or kill them without fear of sanction.”
~Christof Heyns, UN expert on summary executions re: Duterte’s recent statement

“Fuck you UN… Shut up all of you.”
~President-elect Duterte

Stay classy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
6/15/2016 8:05:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
IN A STRONGLY-WORDED statement, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon condemns President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s “apparent endorsement of extrajudicial killings.” Atty. Salvador Panelo blames “incorrect news reports” for the UN leader’s “wrong perception” and explains, “The President-elect has not endorsed, cannot and will never endorse extrajudicial killings.” To those asking, Atty. Salvador Panelo is the incoming presidential sanitizer.

Imaginary Q&A
Reporter: Sabi n’yo po wala kayong sakit. May medical report ho ba kayong maipapakita?

Duterte: Tang-ina, bastos ka ah! How is the vagina of your wife? Is it smelly? Or not smelly? Give me the report.

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kalusugan ng kababaihan. Healthy body, healthy mommy, healthy baby. That’s the essence of being a woman. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Hashtag ElNiñoLaNiña…

Duterte: El Niño, La Niña. ‘Tang ina, ‘di pa nga ako tapos sa el snatcher at la droga, bibigyan n’yo pa ako ng panibagong problema. Sige! Kayo na rito. Bwisit!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, hindi niya pwedeng ipagwalang-bahala ang bantang dulot ng climate change. Isa ‘yan sa kanyang tututukan kapag nasa palasyo na. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pambabatikos ng mga obispo?

Duterte: Putang ina nila! Ipokrito sila!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, dapat maging open ang Simbahan sa mga pagbabago sa ating lipunan. Thank you.

Lawyer Salvador Panelo will no longer be appointed as presidential spokesperson. Reports quoted Duterte as saying Panelo’s assignment as spokesman was temporary. Sought for a reaction, Panelo said, “Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, napakahusay kong abogado para lang maging tagapagsalita. Thank you.” Massacre
The US is still in shock following the murder of 49 people in Orlando by a lone shooter identified as Omar Mateen. Former classmates and co-workers described Mateen as an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing. In other words, he had the potential to become president.

Defeated vice presidential candidate Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. is incensed. In a recent statement, he spoke about vote buying, vote manipulation, and election fraud. Which sounded familiar because, as it turned out, he was reading from a document called, ‘The Martial Law Years.’

Accusing the administration of cheating in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said, “Napakawalanghiya ang pagkagawa sa pambabastos at pagbabalewala sa boses ng taumbayan.” Or as his father would say, “Note to self.”

Drug Test
Incoming House speaker Pantaleon Alvarez is open to the idea of requiring lawmakers to take a drug test when the 17th Congress opens next month. In totally unrelated news, Jules Ledesma is really glad his term is over.

Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma is a three-termer solon. We won’t be seeing him in the upcoming 17th Congress just as we didn’t see him in the 14th, 15th and 16th Congresses.
There’s a currently popular online test called, “Gaano ka kademonyo” that ‘calculates’ how “evil” a Facebook user is. I took the test for fun and the result showed I was 234 percent evil. A friend was “more evil” at 285 percent. When President-elect Rodrigo Duterte took the test, he got this reply, “Thank you for taking the test. No need to calculate… Master.”
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I long for the day when the LGBT community no longer has to live in fear of discrimination and hate crimes.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (She turned 71 on June 15. Happy birthday Senator!)

“Love makes us strong. Love gives us the courage to act. Love gives us hope that change is possible. Love allows us to change the script. So love your country. Love your family. Love the families and the victims and the people of Orlando, but let’s remember that love is a verb. And to love means to do something.”
~Stephen Colbert on the Orlando club massacre

Love will always win.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panelo: ABSCBN News; Mateen: fox News]

professionalheckler | AMpThu, 16 Jun 2016 09:12:40 +000012Thursday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p06 | Tags: bongbong marcos fraud election, duterte vs. bishops, omar mateen and duterte, orlando massacre, pantaleon alvarez and drug test jules ledesma, professional heckler and political humor, salvador panelo and duterte | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL:

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Leo Beligan
6/28/2016 7:17:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
INCOMING PRESIDENT Rodrigo Duterte says he will set up 12 phone lines where people can directly call to report corruption in government. This early, Duterte is apologizing to potential callers because all 12 lines will be very busy.

Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Caller: ‘Yong aming congressman, magnanakaw.

Hotline: May pruweba ho ba kayo?

Caller: ‘Di ba ‘pag congressman, magnanakaw naman talaga? Nabago na ba?

* * * * *

Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Customs Official:

Hotline: Hello?!? Office of the President, may isusumbong ho ba kayo?

Customs Official:

Hotline: (ibinaba ang telepono)

Customs Official: ‘Tang ina, totoo nga.

* * * * *

Hotline: Good morning, sa Office of the President po ito, ano pong isusumbong n’yo?

Caller: Pwede bang malaman ang number ni Mocha Uson?

Hotline: Hindi ho ito directory.

Caller: Wala pa ring pagbabago sa gobyerno! Wala kayong silbi! Bye!
In a decision that shocked the international community, 52 percent of voters in the United Kingdom chose to leave the European Union. Analysts say leading advocates of Brexit succeeded because of their promise to eradicate criminality in 3 to 6 months.

He urged his countrymen to vote ‘Remain’ and campaigned really hard to win but British Prime Minister David Cameron still lost. He will step down soon, take a break, and probably, spend some quality time with his nephews, Josh and Bimby Cameron.

In a referendum to decide whether the UK should leave or stay as a member of the European Union, survey firms predicted that 52 percent will vote Remain and 48 percent will vote Leave. They were wrong! The final vote showed 52 percent opted to ‘Leave’ and 48 percent voted to Remain. When sought for a reaction, London-based student Sandro Marcos says he respects the result of the election because the numbers totaled 100 percent.

Brexit Aftermath
In Scotland, where the 'Remain' vote prevailed, people are talking about leaving the United Kingdom through another referendum. In London, residents are calling for a referendum to decide whether Tom Hiddleston should leave or remain with Taylor Swift.

President Aquino was the guest of honor and commencement speaker at the recent Ateneo De Manila University graduation ceremony. The outgoing president encouraged the graduates to be critical. A skill he has mastered as president at the expense of the previous administration.
The Graduate
Journalist and ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez is also a member of Class 2016. She just finished her master’s degree in journalism at the Ateneo De Manila University. In an interview before the elections, the feisty broadcaster said, taking higher studies wasn’t just to gain more knowledge but “a way to discipline my mind.” Said Anderson Cooper, “Good to know.”

Drug Addicts
Citing government data, incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says there are around 3 million drug addicts in the country. He explains not all drug addicts can be put in jail or rehab at the same time. Mostly awake at night, many of them roam the streets, jam with fellow addicts, or attend rave parties sponsored by a toothpaste brand.

Incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says his government is for the helpless, the hopeless, and the defenseless. And to prove this, he’ll continue doing what he has started in Davao City: wage war against suspected criminals who are helpless, hopeless, and defenseless. of Thrones
Fans of the highly-acclaimed HBO series, ‘Game of Thrones’ are still talking about the epic Season 6 finalé. One of the show’s highlights was when supporters of Jon Snow declared him ‘King in the North’ prompting Bongbong Marcos to file a protest.

The highly-publicized URCC bout between actors Kiko Matos and Baron Geisler ended in a draw. Spectators who thought Matos dominated the fight were surprised by the result. Even more surprising was the fact that many people took this gimmickry seriously.
“In war, truth is the first casualty.”

Sound Bites
"I think that the Church not only should apologize to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologize to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by (being forced to) work. It must apologize for having blessed so many weapons."
~Pope Francis

Winter is here.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte:; Brexit: ICEF Monitor; Korina Sanchez, IG]

professionalheckler | AMpTue, 28 Jun 2016 08:44:54 +000044Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p06 | Tags: brexi and taylor swift and tom hiddleston, drug addicts 3 million, duterte and brexit, duterte corruption hotline, game of thrones finale, kiko matos baron geisler draw, korina sanchez ateneo masters, president aquino ateneo graduation, professional heckler political humor | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL:

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Leo Beligan
7/19/2016 12:32:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

LAST WEEK, suspected drug lord Peter Lim sought audience with no less than President Duterte to deny his reported involvement in the illegal drugs trade. Netizens cry double standard in the government’s war against illegal drugs. They noted, "'Pag mahirap ang suspek, patay agad pero 'pag mayaman, nakikipag-meeting pa sa pangulo."

The president's spokesman Martin Andanar quickly denied the allegation.
Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na lang magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Ayaw ko nga! Eh kung patayin ako nun?

Palace: Mayaman ka ba o mahirap?

Peter Lim: Mayaman.

Palace: You’re safe.

* * *

Lalaki sa Looban: Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Bang!

Lalaki sa Looban:

Pulis: Pasensya. Nanlaban ka eh. Wala akong choice.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!?

Palace: Ayaw mo?!? Choosy?

Peter Lim: Hindi. Excited lang.

* * *

Lalaki sa Kanto: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag!

Lalaki sa Kanto: Pwede ho bang kay Presidente na lang?

Pulis: Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!
Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Ipapapatay kita ‘pag may nakuha akong ebidensya. Right now, submit yourself to an investigation.

Peter Lim: Hindi mo ako papatayin ngayon sir? Hindi totoo ang banta mo dati?


Peter Lim: Nagtatanong lang sir. Aalis na po ako. Thanks.

* * *

Suspek: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher.

Pulis: Bang!

Suspek: Agad-agad?!?

Pulis: Lumalaban ka pa huh! Bang!


Pulis: Dapat kasi nakikinig kayo sa balita. Ang sabi ng ating pangulo, “I’m the President. I don’t give due process.” Pasensyahan, ‘di ka yata na-inform.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Sa NBI ka na magpaliwanag. Go!

Peter Lim: Go na talaga? As in… I can go? I’m free?!


Peter Lim: Nililinaw ko lang sir. [THANK YOU LORD!!!]

* * *

Pulis: Dapa. Dapa!

Tambay: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Maawa kayo. Hindi ako pusher! Pakawalan n’yo ako!

Pulis: Anong pangalan mo?

Tambay: Peter sir. Peter Lim.


Tambay: Subok lang sir. Baka sakaling makalusot. Who knows ‘di ba?

New App
The Philippine National Police will activate a text hotline called “Text Bato.” A new Smartphone app which will allow ordinary Filipinos to send messages directly to PNP Chief Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa will also be launched soon. The app is called “Itaga mo sa Bato,” which was shorter and catchier than the original suggestion, “Bato, bato sa langit, ang tamaan… nanlaban.”
“I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.”
~ Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Worst Attendance
Official records show Manny Pacquiao attended only one session during the third and final regular session of the 16th Congress. When asked to justify his absences, Pacquiao said, "Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit."

Sound Bites
“I know that I’m now a subject of incessant vicious attacks in the social media. But I don’t intend to dignify them by probing into who’s behind them and why."
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the viral video which showed her in a party with QC Rep. Alfred Vargas who was maliciously identified by idiots as detained drug lord Herbert Colangco

Say no to drugs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Malacañang]


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Leo Beligan
7/22/2016 6:41:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

State of the Nation Address
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…



Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique - ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte:; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]


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Leo Beligan
8/7/2016 10:11:00 PM

Posted: 06 Aug 2016 04:10 AM PDT
THE 31st Summer Olympics is underway in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Philippines has yet to win a gold medal in the quadrennial meet. This year, we sent 13 Filipino athletes to Rio. Realistically speaking though, our only chance of winning gold right now is if extrajudicial killing would be made an Olympic sport.

Who cares?
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, some 660 drug suspects have been killed to date: 436 in police operations and 224 by unidentified assailants. On the rising death toll, President Duterte, said Thursday, “I do not care. I really don’t care.” But on Friday evening, the President acknowledged the abuses in the battle against illegal drugs – for the very first time – fueling speculations he was high on drugs.

President Duterte has issued a ‘shoot-to-kill’ order against politicians a.k.a. narcopoliticos who are allegedly involved in the illegal drugs trade. Malacañang reveals two of those narcopoliticos have actually visited President Duterte and cried in front of him. To be fair, small time pushers and addicts don’t cry. But their widows and orphans do.

A Social Weather Stations survey conducted from June 24 to 27 revealed there are fewer poor Filipinos right now. Congratulations President Duterte and General Bato De La Rosa. Success!
The Philippine National Police recently launched its new mascot – PO1 Bato, a bald cop in full uniform. During the press launch, it got a bit awkward though when reporters noted that the PNP chief was behaving like a mascot more than the actual mascot did.

Shots Fired, Again
President Duterte has yet again mocked Netherlands-based Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison,. The President says Sison speaks as if he’s somebody when in reality he cannot even control a barangay. To be specific, “remote control” a barangay.

The Bureau of Customs clarified that the reported appointment of sexy performer Mocha Uson as a social media consultant was just a joke. But such joke was no laughing matter because… she’s the bomb!

Top 5 Recommended Appointees Who Will (Probably) Perform Better Than Mocha Uson

No. 5: Department of Science and Technology: Nanette Inventor

No. 4: PAGASA’s Astronomy Section (Planetarium): Zenaida Seva

No. 3: Lolit Solis: SOLICITor General

No. 2: Tim Yap and Raymond Gutierrez: Integrated Bar of the Philippines

And the No. 1 recommended appointee who will probably perform better than Mocha Uson:

Robin Padilla: ‘Tol Regulatory Board
Hero’s Burial
Losing vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos claims President Duterte has given his family the go signal to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The burial will reportedly take place on Sept. 18 – which, incidentally has been declared ‘Let’s Pretend that Martial Law Didn’t Happen’ Day.

Most millennials do not know who Ferdinand Marcos is. They’re only familiar with, ONE: the body on display at the Marcos mausoleum, and TWO, online stories about his World War II medals. And those two have something in common. Fake.

Water Sport
As I’ve mentioned earlier, the Summer Olympics has officially kicked off in Rio. In aquatic sports, the first gold medal has been awarded to Orlando Bloom.

Pokemon G0, the popular, free-to-play mobile app has been officially launched in the Philippines. And I don’t care. I really don’t care.

Pokemon G0 has been launched in the country. Game-loving Filipinos will soon be looking for pocket monsters – a sort of diversion for those who have gotten tired of looking for love.
“It is hard to talk about a middle ground for something that is a fundamental right.”
~Teri Reynolds

Sound Bites
“Shoot on sight means – just because you suspect someone or the President declared someone is a drug lord and you will kill him… that’s a violation of law. If they do that, then that would clearly be murder.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson on President Duterte’s shoot-on-sight order

“Itong si [Joma] Sison, nagbubula-bula ang baba, laway niya lumulusot doon sa screen. Akala mo naman kung sino magsalita. Ni hindi nga sila makahawak ng isang barangay.”
~President Duterte on self-exiled Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison

Stay safe. Stay alive. Huwag manlalaban.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New York Times; PNP Mascot: Philippine Star; Marcos: Getty Images]
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Leo Beligan
8/12/2016 7:19:00 AM

TYPHOONS 2016: The Complete List
by professionalheckler
IT’S TYPHOON season again in the Philippines. Narito ang listahan ng mga bagyo ngayong taong ito. Gawin ang kaukulang pag-iingat.

Typhoon Duterte
Pabugsu-bugso ngunit napakalakas. Maraming iniiwang patay sa mga lugar na dinadaanan. Mapanganib lalo na sa mga ordinaryo at mahihirap na naninirahan sa matataong lugar.

Typhoon Duterte II
Predictable ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hahagupit ‘tapos magbabago ng ihip ng hangin ‘tapos hahataw na naman. Nalilito tuloy ang mga weather specialists at nauuwi sa iba’t ibang interpretasyon ang kanilang forecast.

Typhoon Gloria
Nakaalis na ang bagyong ito ngunit muling bumalik at patuloy na lumalakas.

Typhoon Marcos
Maraming pinatay at pinahirapan ang bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nawawala. Sagaran din ang pinsalang idinulot nito sa ekonomiya. Ang nakalulungkot lang, iba ang kumakalat na impormasyon ngayon: dapat pa nga raw pasalamatan ang dalang ulan ng bagyong ito dahil naiwasan ang tagtuyot sa ilang lugar.

Typhoon Gina Lopez
Matindi ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag nag-landfall. Kadalasang tumatama ang sentro ng bagyo sa ang mga minahan.

Typhoon Andanar
Kulog at kidlat pa lang nito, mahuhulog ka na raw sa upuan. Mapapaiyak ka rin umano sa dala nitong ulan. But don’t worry, sa forecast lang naman ‘yan. Sa totoong buhay, sakto lang naman.

Typhoon Bato
Enjoy na enjoy ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag pinag-uusapan at napi-feature sa mga reports at interviews sa media. Matitindi rin ang mga buntot ng bagyong ito. Take cover ka na lang at ‘wag na ‘wag ‘manlalaban.’

Typhoon Panelo
Isang lumang sama ng panahon na nakaipon ng sapat na lakas recently lang kaya’t na-classify bilang bagyo. ‘Wag n’yo na lang katakutan. ‘Di naman siya talaga kalakasan. Feeling lang niya.

Typhoon Bongbong
Ang buntot ng Typhoon Marcos. Muntik nang manalasa sa bansa ngunit maagang namonitor ng PAGASA ang galaw kaya’t nakapaghanda ang mga tao. May panganib pa ring dala at posibleng bumalik kaya pinapayuhang maging vigilant ang publiko.

Typhoon Binay
Ang palatandaang paparating ang bagyong ito ay ang nakakatakot na pagdidilim ng kalangitan. Napakalakas ng bagyong ito. BEFORE. Nang pumasok ang Typhoon Duterte, na-push ito papalayo at tuluyan nang humina.

Typhoon Joma
Napakatagal nang binago ang kategorya ng weather disturbance na ito. Mula sa pagiging typhoon, na-classify ito bilang low pressure area na lamang. Ngunit kung kumilos ay astang bagyo pa rin ito kahit wala na sa Philippine Area of Responsibility.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Huwag magtaka kung mamatay ka pagdaan ng bagyong ito. Tandaan: Pabor si God sa death penalty kaya 'pag namatay ka, ibig sabihin, kagustuhan ni God ‘yon. Pinarurusahan ka niya. Nasa Bible ‘yan. Check n‘yo.

Typhoon Pacquiao II
Maraming factors kung bakit nabubuo ang isang bagyo. Sa kaso ng bagyong ito, walang dapat sisihin kundi ang kapabayaan at katangahan na rin ng mga tao. Sisihin n’yo ang mga sarili n'yo. Mga gunggong!

Typhoon Mocha
Ang bagyong walang masyadong ulan - pero mahangin. That's all. Thank you!
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

Sound Bites
“Sana nga, sabun-sabunan niya yung bibig niya dahil medyo naliligaw na naman.”
~Prof. Clarita Carlos, political analyst on President Duterte who recently called the US ambassador “bakla” and “son of a bitch”

An emphatic minority by Shakira Sison
“Hello there! Here is my homeland, where the evening news proudly announces body counts. Where the daily number of casualties now equals great success. It's the only place in the world where death means winning a war, the only country whose people are fine with civilians being killed on the spot.”

No to extrajudicial killing!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
8/17/2016 8:48:00 PM

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 06:10 AM PDT
THINK YOU’RE UPDATED? Find out by answering this current events fun quiz. Kapag na-perfect n’yo, bibigyan kayo ng puwesto sa gobyerno. ‘Yan naman ang uso! Good luck!

1: Sa kanyang talumpati sa Camp Crame, tinawag na “immoral woman” ni President Duterte si Sen. Leila De Lima dahil may “lover” daw ito. Bakit ito nasabi ng Pangulo?
A: Dahil sa panahong ito, mas tanggap ng mga Pilipino ang pumatay ka kaysa magkaroon ka ng kabit
B: May karapatang magsabi ng gano’n ang Presidente dahil never siyang nambabae. Perfect husband siya.
C: Actually, nagbibiro lang ang Pangulo; pampaingay lang ‘yon para ma-promote ang bago niyang showbiz-oriented talk show sa Channel 4.
2: Ayon kay Manny Pacquiao (na ibinoto n’yong senador), dapat ilibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang namayapang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Paliwanag ni Manny, “Huwag tayong magalit kung anuman ang nagawa niya.” Bakit daw?
A: Dahil mga bobo tayo
B: Dahil paninira lamang ‘yon kay Marcos
C: Dahil sabi raw sa Romans 12:5, “Ang ‘di mag-move on, bitter!”
3: Still on Pacquiao, sa kanyang kauna-unahang privilege speech bilang senador, inihayag nito ang suporta niya sa death penalty. Ayon kay Manny…
A: “Si God nga pinatay halos lahat ng tao sa buong mundo sa pamamagitan ng baha, tayo pa kaya?”
B: “Masyado nang maraming bobo at istupido sa bansang ito. Magbawas tayo.”
C: “Kahit naman walang death penalty, marami na ring pinapatay ngayon. So parang ganun na rin. Sanayan lang!”
4: Anong lesson ang mapupulot sa pagkakaaresto sa magkasintahang drug suspects na sina Karen Bordador at Emilio Lim?
A: Hindi marunong “manlaban” ang mga suspect na nakatira sa condo.
B: Kapag mababango, mugshots. Kapag dugyutin, shots lang.
C: Kapag may pangalan, mugshots. Kapag nameless, cardboard.
5: Nag-leave na ang kapatid ni Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista na si Councilor Hero Bautista upang magpa-rehab. Sa privilege speech sa harap ng konseho, sinabi ni Hero na “biktima” siya ng droga. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ng droga?
A: “Biktima?!? Kami ba ang lumapit? Kami ba ang gumamit?! Nakakaloka ka!”
B: “There’s a Hero… if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are.”
C: “Sisihin talaga kami?! Pwes, dahil marupok ka naman pala, magpalit ka na ng pangalan. Victim Bautista, mas bagay sa ‘yo ‘yan. Tse!”
6: Ayon kay Albay Governor Joey Salceda, ano raw ang dapat sisihin sa paglala ng traffic ngayon sa EDSA?
A: Lumalaking populasyon ng mga bading
B: Kotse ng mga pulitikong balimbing
C: Lubak-lubak na kalsada
7: Matapos iuwi ng swimmer na si Joseph Schooling ang kauna-unahang gold medal ng Singapore sa Summer Olympics, sinaliksik ng local media ang buhay nito at napag-alaman nilang Filipina ang yayang nagpalaki sa atleta: si Yolanda Pascual. Pero alam n’yo bang may “kunek” din pala sa Pilipinas ang pinakamahusay ngayong female Olympic gymnast na si Simone Biles ng US? Hulaan n’yo kung ano.
A: Ang biological parents ni Simone Biles ay may kapitbahay na South Korean na laging kumakain sa restaurant kung saan nagtatrabaho ang kanyang best friend na Mexican na ang ex-boyfriend ay minsang may nakasabay na Pinoy sa CR! Amazing!
B: Si Simone Biles ay may height lamang na 4’9” na ‘di nalalayo sa height na 4’11” ng dating pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Ang lapit!
C: Si Simone Biles ay mula Milky Way Galaxy kung saan located ang ating Solar System na kinaroroonan ng planetang Earth kung saan matatagpuan ang Estados Unidos na bahagi ng Asia-Pacific Region na kinabibilangan din ng Pilipinas. Nakaka-proud!
8: Inakusahan ng pagiging racist si Ellen DeGeneres dahil sa picture na ito na lumabas sa official Twitter account ng kanyang talk show. Ano ba ang sabi niya sa tweet?
A: “My new pet is amazing!”
B: “Horsin’ around before our taping.”
C: “Off to the jungle!”
9: Ano ang ibig sabihin nito?! Paki-explain!
A: Ito ang unang phase ng transition ni Senator Chiz. Supportive naman si Heart – in fairness.
B: Tapos na ang special course niya sa TESDA. OJT na.
C: Confeeeeeeeeermed!
10: Sa Cagayan De Oro City, ipinagbabawal ng Golden Heritage Polytechnic College ang pagkakaroon ng “intimate relationship” sa pagitan ng mga lalaki at mga babaeng estudyante. Ano ang masasabi n’yo?
A: Puwede bang itama muna ang grammar sa tarp bago pakialaman ang personal na buhay ng mga estudyante?!
B: Kung bawal ang relasyon sa pagitan ng male and female students, pwede bang male to male o female to female? #LoveWins
C: Sa nakaisip ng panuntunang ‘yan: huwag kang bitter! Kung masama ang experience mo noon, huwag kang mandamay! Pangit!

Bonus Question: Kaninong diet ito?
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Olympic silver medalist Hidilyn Diaz
C: Jessy Mendiola
Guess first then click here for the answer.
“A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.”
~Adlai E. Stevenson II

Sound Bites
“It’s so foul, it’s character assassination. We are both professionals, the President and I. We are both public servants. I hope he doesn’t resort to those foul means. To me, that’s very foul.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on President Duterte’s personal tirades

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
8/23/2016 7:04:00 AM
PRESIDENT RODRIGO Duterte has threatened to leave the United Nations. Last week, UN experts expressed concern over the spate of alleged extrajudicial killings in the country triggered by the government’s anti-illegal drugs campaign.

But an angry Duterte replied, “Maybe we'll just have to decide to separate from the United Nations. Eh 'di kung ganyan kayo ka-bastos, putang ina, eh, umalis na ako d’yan sa inyo. Where were you here the last time? Never. Except to criticize. When have you done a good deed to my country?”

Today, the United Nations reacted to the President’s statement.

From Rio to Tokyo
The Rio Olympics concluded over the weekend. The next Summer Olympics will be held in 2020 in Tokyo. The Philippines hopes to perform better in the next Summer Games unless of course President Duterte decides to withdraw our membership from the International Olympic Committee.
During the #Rio2016 closing ceremonies, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe came out of a giant pipe as Super Mario – a Nintendo character popularized by the Japanese. In next year’s Miss Universe pageant in Manila, President Duterte will come out of a shanty as a “nanlalabang suspek.”
According to President Duterte, some 3.7 million idiots - mostly shabu users - run loose in communities. To be fair though, the number of idiots who uses shabu is much lower than the number of idiots who uses social media.

No Comment
Sen. Leila De Lima has refused to talk about her alleged romantic involvement with her former bodyguard-driver, Ronnie Dayan. The feisty senator declines to answer questions about the status of their “relationship” although recently, she has told some reporters she's watching the upcoming movie, ‘Camp Sawi.’

Sen. JV Ejercito, who is facing graft and technical malversation charges for the alleged misuse of calamity funds when he was still mayor of San Juan City, has been suspended for 90 days by the Sandiganbayan. The suspension has been described as a ‘partial victory’ by taxpayers, anti-graft crusaders, and Jinggoy Estrada.

The acting DILG secretary has come up with a list of local government officials who will receive citation for their anti-illegal drugs campaign. Some find the inclusion of Politician No. 1 funny although Politician No. 8 is by far the “funniest.”

Moral of the Story: Read carefully before you sign anything.
“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Climate Change
Reporter: Sir, ano pong paghahanda ang gagawin ng pamahalaan? Mas malalakas daw ang paparating na bagyo dahil sa La Niña. Sa sobrang init kasi, natunaw na ang mga yelo sa Antarctica!

Duterte: Eh bastos ang putang inang araw na ‘yan eh! When have you done a good deed to my country? Never. Except to bring El Niño and skin cancer. Umalis na lang tayo sa Solar System!”

Sound Bites
"I can assure you that he remains committed to the United Nations, of which the Philippines is one of the founding members, and to the purposes and objectives that this august body stands for.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., one of President Duterte’s interpreters

Love will keep us alive.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: United Nation: UN; DILG List: @xtinamen; PM Shinzo Abe: Getty Images]

professionalheckler | PMpTue, 23 Aug 2016 17:59:22 +000059Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p08 | Tags: duterte vs. united nations, extrajudicial killing duterte, jv ejercito graft suspended, political humor, professional heckler, rio olympics closing tokyo prime minister super mario, sen. leila de lima and ronnie dayan | Categories: duterte | URL:
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Leo Beligan
8/28/2016 10:11:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
THE HOUSE of Representatives is conducting a congressional inquiry into the proliferation of illegal drugs at the New Bilibid Prison. President Duterte’s allies in Congress wanted to grill Sen. Leila De Lima but the feisty senator has rejected their invitation calling it Duterte’s “kangaroo court.”

This morning, a list of questions purportedly drafted by Congress’s super-majority, specifically for De Lima, leaked online. Take a look!

* * * * *

Thank you for accepting our invitation Madam Senator. Hindi na po kami magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

1: Ilang taon ka nang unang magka-boyfriend?
Follow up:
Smoker ba ang first boyfriend mo?
Sinubukan ba nitong mag-drugs?
Kung oo, inalok ka ba nito?
Kung oo, tinikman mo ba?
Kung oo, nasarapan ka ba?
Kung oo, inulit mo ba?
Kung oo, na-addict ka ba?
Kung oo, nagpa-rehab ka ba?
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

2: Ilang taon ka nang ma-devirginize?
Follow up:
Boyfriend mo ba ang nakauna sa ‘yo?
Kung oo, pinilit ka ba?
Kung hindi, ikaw ba ang nagyaya?
Kung oo, napilitan lang ba siya?
Kung oo, masama kang babae. Period.

3: Ano ang civil status mo ngayon?
Follow up:
May natanggap kaming report na “It’s Complicated” ang inilagay mong relationship status sa Facebook recently. Binago mo ito pero nakakuha kami ng screen cap ng original status. Pakipaliwanag kung bakit “It’s Complicated.”

4: What is love? Define legally.
Follow up:
Naniniwala ka ba sa forever?
Kung hindi… kami rin.
Kung oo, naka-droga ka ba?
Kung oo, masama kang tao. Period.

5: Sino si Ronnie Dayan sa buhay mo?
Follow up:
Naging “kayo” ba ni Ronnie?
Ano ang theme song n’yo?
Ano ang tawagan n’yo sa isa’t isa: beh o babe?
Kung beh, ano kayo, millennials? ‘Di na kayo nahiya!?!
Hiwalay ka na ba sa asawa mo nang maging “kayo?”
Kung oo, hiwalay na ba siya sa misis niya nang maging “kayo?”
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

6: Isinasama mo ba si Ronnie Dayan kapag nagsasagawa ka ng inspection sa Bilibid?
Follow up:
Alam mo bang kilala ni Ronnie Dayan ang ilang high profile inmates?
Alam mo rin bang may contact siya sa mga ito?
Alam mo bang tumatanggap siya ng pera mula sa nakakulong na drug lords?
‘Yan ang sabi ng aming binayarang nahagilap na witnesses!
Kung alam mong lahat ‘yan at wala kang ginawa, masama kang babae! Period.
Kung hindi mo naman alam, anong klase kang girlfriend? Hindi mo iniisip ang seguridad ng iyong partner!
Masama ka pa ring babae. Period!

7: Sino si Warren Cristobal at bakit nali-link ka sa kanya?
Follow up:
Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Ronnie Dayan nang malaman niyang kinuha mong security detail si Warren Cristobal?
Nagselos ba siya?
Kung oo, may dapat ba siyang ipagselos?
Kung oo, two-timer!
Masama kang babae. Period.

8: Lagi mong sinasabi, napakahalaga ng human rights. May nagsasabi pang kesyo this government is committing "crime against humanity." Pero ang tanong nga ni Pangulong Duterte, isipin mo ang mga drug addicts. Are they humans?
Follow up:
Kung ipapagahasa ka namin ngayon sa isang drug addict, ipaglalaban mo pa rin ba ang human rights niya?
Kung hindi, ipokrito ka!
Kung oo, wala ka na talaga sa tamang pag-iisip. Nasa panig ka ng mga kriminal.
Masama kang babae. Period.

9: May we direct your attention to the projected matrix on the wall. Patutunayan ng matrix na ito ang mga sumusunod:
Tuloy ang “bond” sa pagitan n’yo ni Ronnie Dayan.
May kuneksyon si Ronnie Dayan sa isang drug lord.
Ikaw, si Ronnie Dayan at ang isang drug lord ay iisa ang type na palabas.
Isa kang cougar.

Madam Senator, kung iyong mapapansin, napakapatas ng ginagawa naming pagdinig. Hindi kami nanghuhusga. Nais lang naming bigyan ka ng pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.

Sabi ni Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." Madam Senator, sa bawat tanong, malaya kang makapagbibigay ng pahayag -- in 140 characters or less. Kung hindi mo magagawa ‘yan, ibig sabihin, hindi ka nagsasabi ng totoo. Guilty ka sa mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo. Therefore, masama kang babae. Period.
“To a misogynist: To err is woman.”
~Mokokoma Mokhonoana, philosopher, social critic

Sound Bites
“Kilala n’yo naman ang mga drug lord dito. Puntahan n’yo ang bahay, buhusan n’yo ng gasolina, sigaan ninyo. Ipakita n’yong galit kayo sa kanila. Kilala niyo sino ang drug lord dito. Gusto niyong patayin? Patayin niyo. Pwede kayong pumatay dahil kayo ang biktima.”
~PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa who apologized for making the statement

“The House conducting this inquiry to try me before false witnesses is not democracy. The House conducting this inquiry is Duterte’s kangaroo court conducting the Salem witch trials and burning me at the stake.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @

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Leo Beligan
9/2/2016 6:48:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

WE THOUGHT it was just fair to get the side of the late former president Ferdinand E. Marcos on the controversial issue of his burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Everyone has spoken about it except for him. So we asked our favorite host, Krissy to do this interview - exclusive!
Ilocos Norte
12mn, Sept. 1, 2016

“HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Ang OA ko ‘no? As if naman may naka-miss. Aha-ha-ha. Sabi talaga ni Bimby this morning, “Mom, do you still have fans?” Nakakalokaaaa! Sarili kong anak, nag-doubt. Hindi ko siya kinaya. I swear.

Anyway, before I proceed to the interview, gusto ko lang sanang linawin ang kumakalat na chismis na aalis na ako sa ABS-CBN. This will be the first and last time na magsasalita ako about it. There’s a rumor kasi na ayaw na raw akong papirmahin ng ABS ng more than two years na contract. Eh I was asking daw for 5 years. At nang ‘di ko raw makuha ang gusto ko, lumipat ako sa APT Entertainment ni Mr. Tuviera ng Eat Bualaga. Ano raw po ba ang totoo? Well, I promised Ate Pinky and Ate Ballsy I wouldn’t talk about the issue bilang respeto na rin sa Dos, so I won’t. Sorry. Aha-ha-ha. Nabitin kayo ‘no?

Nandito nga pala tayo ngayon sa Ilocos Norte. Gosh, kinakabahan ako. As in! Hindi ko teritoryo ‘to - you know that! When I arrived nga this morning sa airport, feeling ko anytime, may babaril sa akin. Aha-ha-ha Excited ako ngayon dahil first time kong makakausap ‘tong guest natin. Kanina nga sa plane sabi ni Darla, “Alam mo Ms Krissy, may something in common ‘yong guest mo today at ‘yong career mo.” Sabi ko, “What?” She replied, “They’re both dead.” I hate you Darla! Punyeta ka! Aha-ha-ha!

Well, ayaw ko nang patagalin pa dahil I was told na kailangang magpahinga ang ating guest. In fact, ni-limit ako sa 7 questions since - ‘di ba nga - obsessed daw siya sa number na ‘yon?! Parang ako lang. Obsessed sa 7. Kumusta na kaya si James Yap? Aha-ha-ha! TMI alert! I hate you self! Aha-ha-ha!

Mga Kapamilya, Kapuso, kababayan, welcome to my strangest interview yet. Please welcome, the late Philippine dictator, Ferdinand E. Marcos! (APPLAUSE)

Ulitemman ti imbagam Ibagam man manen!

Ay! Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng Greek, Mr. President. I beg your pardon?

Sabi ko, pakiulit ang introduction mo.

Gosh, did I say something wrong? Did I mispronounce your name Sir? Sabi ko, ‘Please welcome, the late Philippine DICTATOR, Ferdinand E. Marcos!’ May mali po ba?

Awan ammum! Nag ampep ta pipit mo! Magtanong ka na. Sinasayang mo ang oras ko!

“Krissy, behave. ‘Wag ka nang sumagot. Gumalang ka sa patay. Ikaw na ang magpasensya. Bad mood lang siguro ang lolo mo."

May sinasabi ka?

Mr. President, ba’t ganyan kaaaaaa? I thought you’re nice pa naman. Anyway, I’ll proceed na nga lang to asking my set of 7 questions. But first, maraming salamat nga pala sa mainit na pagtanggap.

Anong mainit?!? Nang-iinsulto ka ba? Twenty-seven years na akong naninigas sa loob ng freezer na ito! Anong mainit ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan?! Ukininam!

Pun intended sir. Aha-ha-ha! Grabe ka naman. Ukininam agad? Ang unang tanong ko Mr. President, super idol ka ni Pangulong Duterte. As in! He adores you. Everytime he mentions your name nga, there’s nothing but ‘love love love’ eh. Grabehhhh. Sa tingin mo magagawa niya ang mga nagawa mo?

Kung mamalasin siya, never. Pero kung mamalasin kayo, and I mean, the Filipino people, he’ll even exceed it. Ako na ang nagsasabi: he’s got a lot of potential. Matagal ko na siyang inoobserbahan.

Inoobserbahan from where? From heaven? I doubt.

Gago ka ah! Basta! He’s very promising. At bentang-benta siya sa mga tao. Ganyang-ganyan ako nagsimula. Tandang-tanda ko pa. Hinding-hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Alam na alam ko ‘yan.

At paulit-ulit talaga ang words na gamit n’yo. Kaloka ka Mr. President. ‘Punta naman tayo kay Bongbong. Alam mo naman ang nangyari last elections. Dinaya raw si Junior mo.

Narinig ko nga. Tawang-tawa ako! Ha-ha-ha-ha Ang dami kong tawa!!! Siguro mga 14 million! Nagrereklamo siya ng pandaraya??? Muntik ko nang masipa ang salamin sa higaan ko. Who would’ve thought? A Marcos is talking AGAINST fraud and cheating???? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom panis! K.thx.bye.

For someone who’s been dead for almost three decades, ang cool mo lang Mr Marcos. Promise. Love na kitaaa! Oops, sorry Dad, Sorry Mom. I was just kidding. Aha-ha-ha. By the way, sikat na sikat na ang inyong apo… si Sandro. Megastar siya ngayon sa social media. Ang daming millennials na gustong makipag-date sa kanya. Kaloka! Nagmana yata ang appeal kay lolo.

Utang na loob, hindi ko ‘yan apo!

But he’s Bongbong’s son!

Anak siya ng anak ko pero hindi ko siya apo! Kailanman ay hindi ko matatanggap na apo ang sinumang may tweet na ganito: CLICK HERE. TANG INA. NAKAKABOBO!

Ang puso mo Sir! Pag-usapan na lang natin ang ultimate lovey dovie mo.

Patay na ako. Konting respeto.

Why? Ano bang sinabi ko Mr. President?

I saw what you did there! Matalino ako. ‘Di mo ako pwedeng gaguhin. Sasabihin mo na naman, “No pun intended.” Huwag mo akong daanin sa pun-pun na ‘yan. PUNyeta ka!

My gosh! Ang init ng ulo! I was supposed to ask something about your ultimate love, the former First Lady. Hayyy. Nakakaloka. Masyadong defensive! Anywy, to be honest, si Mrs Marcos talaga ang ‘di ko kinakaya. Eighty-seven na pero bongga pa rin ang aura kahit wala nang gumagalaw sa kanyang mukha! Well, ‘yong labi naman, keri pa. Pero ang mga kilay, pisngi at noo… gosh. What sorcery is this?

Are you asking or are you insulting?

I am describing! Aha-ha-ha! In fairness, nasagot kita dun Mr. President! Going back to the question, lagi pong nagsisimba si Mrs. Marcos sa Baclaran. Nakasalubong ko pa nga minsan ‘yon eh. Deadma! Hindi siya nag-smile, so umirap din ako. Helllllooooo! Do you think she prays for you?

‘Yun nga sana ang gusto kong iparating sa kanya. Kasi everytime Meldy prays, ang lagi niyang hiling, “Lord, please keep Ferdie safe there in heaven.”

When in fact Sir, nasa hell ka naman talaga, tama?

Tama! I mean, pakyu ka. Wala ako sa hell. Pagala-gala pa rin ako.

Kasi nga, hindi ka pa naililibing? Naka-display ka pa rin d’yan sa freezer…

Freezer na kasinlamig ng pakikitungo sa akin ng Martial Law victims.

Hugot Sir? Once and for all Mr. President, saan mo ba gustong mahimlay? Sa Libingan ng mga Bayani o dito sa Ilocos?


Kailangang all caps? Galit???


O, Imee, Bongbong… I’m sure you’re watching, ‘wag matitigas ang ulo! Your dad wanted to be buried here naman pala. Kayo lang ‘tong mapilit na iluwas siya sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Ahhmm, Sir may message ba kayo sa inyong pamilya?


Nakakaloka! O, mga kababayan, narinig n’yo mismo ang hiling ni late president Marcos. Gusto na niyang matahimik. ‘Wag nang makulit ok?

Nanlalamig na ako. Matagal pa ba?

Last two questions na lang Mr. President. May mga tsismis kasi na hindi ka raw totoo. Wax ka lang daw. Prove them wrong.

Sige. Touch me!



Ayokooo!!!!! Afraid! Wala akong dalang alcohol.

Ang selan mo. Syet ka.

Bakit ba?!? Eh ayoko eh! Eeeew. Last question... In less than two weeks, 99th birth anniversary mo na Mr. President. Grabe! Kung buhay ka pala, bata ka pa sir. Wala ka pang 100!

Ang luma ng joke huh.

I know, right? Aha-ha-ha! So, ano na ang iyong birthday wish Mr President?

Alam ng lahat – maliban na lang siguro sa napakaraming millennials na walang inatupag kundi memes at Facebook chat – na napasakamay ko na lahat ng materyal na bagay sa mundo. Name it, I’ve held it. Kaya sa kaarawan ko ngayong September 11, napakasimple na lang ng aking kahilingan. This may sound cliché pero ito talaga ang wish ko: Good health and long life.


Pun intended. He-he

Agyamanak Mr. President. Thank you. Happy birthday and Mabuhay po kayo!

Pun intended too?

Ang kulit n'yo! Ukinam.
“It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.”
~P.G. Wodehouse, 'Love Among the Chickens'

Sound Bites
DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre boasted that two former employees of Sen. Leila De Lima at the Department of Justice have executed affidavits against her. But one of them, Edna ‘Bogs’ Obuyes has spilled the beans on Aguirre et al. Here’s her statement on Facebook:

TANONG: Ano ang susunod na mangyayari?
A: “Manlalaban” si Edna
B: Bigla-biglang magpa-positive sa drug test si Edna
C: Mawawala si Edna. Kagagawan ‘yan ni De Lima!
D: Papayagang tumira sa White House sa Camp Crame si Edna ‘tapos after two weeks, state witness na siya against De Lima

To join, just type #FabricatePaMore (space) Letter of Answer (space) Name/Address and send to 666.

Red Flags
On Thursday, DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre released to the media bank transaction records that would allegedly prove that then DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima ordered her clerks (including Edna Obuyes) to deposit millions of pesos to a bank account under someone else’s name. A netizen was quick to point out “red flags” in the DOJ’s “evidence” though. Bistado.

Ang evil lang.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos: Reuters; Kris Aquino IG; Edna Obuyes FB; Emil Lunasco FB]

professionalheckler | PMpFri, 02

  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
9/6/2016 6:54:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

“You just don’t throw question and statements. Putang ina, mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!”
~President Duterte to US President Barack Obama

IN HIS TRADEMARK gutter language, President Duterte said he would not allow US President Barack Obama to lecture him on extrajudicial killings when they meet in Laos for the Asean Summit. Duterte advised the US leader, “You must be respectful.” To which, Obama said, “You first.”

Lashing out at US President Barack Obama, acid-tongued Rodrigo Duterte said, “Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!” His Cabinet applauded. His rabid supporters wildly cheered. And Russian President Vladimir Putin texted, “How to be you po?”

Duterte cursing at Obama was hardly surprising. For decades now, Duterte has been under a state of tastelessness.

Top 5 Reactions of Duterte Allies to His Attacks on Obama

No. 5: Alan Peter Cayetano: Nagmura rin noon si Mar Roxas. ‘Wag nating kalimutan ‘yon.

No. 4: Salvador Panelo: May legal basis ang pagmumura ni Pangulong Duterte kay Obama.

No. 3: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.: Kasalanan ng media ‘yan eh. Alam nilang pagod na pagod ang Pangulo tapos gagatungan pa ng mga tanong kay Obama. Sila ang dapat sisihin!

No. 2: Peter Tiu Laviña:

And the No. 1 typical reaction of a Duterte ally to his attack on Obama…

Mocha Uson: Nakakaiyak talaga ang katapangan ng ating minamahal na presidente. Kagalang-galang na pangulo, nasa likod mo lang po kami. Alam naming para sa kapakanan ng mga anak mo – ang sambayanang Pilipino – ang ginagawa mong pagmumura sa Papa, sa pinuno ng UN at ngayon naman, kay Obama. Mabuhay po kayo Tatay Digong. #MuraPaMore #SigeLang #CheerLangKami #MahalKaNaminTatayDigong

Following Duterte’s insults, US President Barack Obama has decided to cancel his bilateral talks with the President in Vientiane, Laos where the Asean Summit is being held. Duterte diehards are now accusing Obama of being a bitter ‘dilawan’ who cannot move on.

Hours after Washington DC announced the cancelation of the bilateral meeting between Obama and Duterte, presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella read an official statement in which the President expressed regret that his profane remark “came across as a personal attack on the US President." Abella drafted the statement this morning and saved it on his laptop using the file name, “Washington DC: Damage Control.”

Duterte's Official Statement
(If Duterte was being truthful)

"The meeting between the United States and the Philippines has been mutually agreed upon to be moved to a later date.”
‘Tang inang Obama ‘yan. Ako pa ang tinakot mo. Eh ‘di i-move!

“While the immediate cause was my strong comments to certain press questions that elicited concern and distress, we also regret that it came across as a personal attack on the US President."
"Pinalaki lang ‘yan ng punyetang media! Bakit?! Sinabi ko bang ‘Putang ina mo Obama?’ Ang sabi ko lang. “Putang ina! Mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!” Napakalaking pagkakaiba nun. ‘Tang ina. Tapos ako ang sisisihin n’yo. Tang ina! Take note… ang sabi ko lang, ‘Tang ina’ huh! ‘Di ko sinabing “‘Tang ina n’yo!” Baka ma-misinterpret n’yo na naman 'yan. ‘Tang ina!

"Our primary intention is to chart an independent foreign policy while promoting closer ties with all nations, especially the US with which we have had a longstanding partnership.”
‘Tang ina, hindi lang US ang bansa sa mundo. Ulol! Akala n’yo natatakot akong mawalan ng kakampi. Yawa!

“We look forward to ironing out differences arising out of national priorities and perceptions, and working in mutually responsible ways for both countries."
'Tang ina. Kung ‘di lang ako nahihiya sa mga adviser ko, hindi ko ilalabas ang statement na ito. Oo, inaamin ko, pinilit lang ako ng mga punyetang 'yon. Pastilan! Pisti!

The Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP), in a statement, has blamed the United States for last week’s Davao City bombing. The statement was released to the media last Sunday although the original draft was written in the ‘70s.
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."
~Isaac Newton

Sound Bites
"An independent foreign policy need not result in the disturbance of friendly relations with our traditional allies. To achieve this, tact, not firebrand rhetoric, is key.”
~Party-list Rep. Harry Roque reacting to President Duterte’s attack on Obama and the US

“If I have to face them, you know I can eat humans. I will really open up your body. Just give me vinegar and salt, and I will eat you. That’s true. If you annoy me to the fullest… I will eat you alive. Raw.”
~President Duterte’s warning to the Abu Sayyaf Group

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News Online; I Love Quotes]

professionalheckler | PMpTue, 06 Sep 2016 15:30:17 +000030Tuesday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p09 | Tags: Abu Sayyaf Group, communists davao bombing, duterte vs. obama, political humor, professional heckler, son of whore obama duterte | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL:

  Top   |  Bottom

9/9/2016 9:23:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

WELCOME BACK President Duterte! Congratulations on your world stage debut!
Question: Sa mga ‘di pamilyar sa kanya, ito si presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella. Sa likod naman niya ay makikita si Presidential Communications Office head Martin Andanar. Sa Laos ito kinunan. Ano ang sinasabi nila sa nakapalibot na journalists?
A: “Wala po munang press con ngayon ang ating mahal na pangulo. Maawa naman kayo sa amin. Pagod na pagod na kami sa pag-interpret ng statements niya. We need a break.”

B: “Wala na pong makapipigil pa. First in the history of the Asean Summit. Exciting po ang seating arrangement sa gala dinner. Ang Nobel Laureate na si Aung San Suu Kyi ng Myanmar ay kumpirmadong kakandong kay Pangulong Duterte habang kumakain! May magaganap pang subuan! Iba talaga ang karisma ng ating pangulo.”

C: Wala pong katotohanang iba’t iba kami ng sinasabi. Iba’t iba lang talaga kayo ng intindi. Pakyu all. Thank you.
President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon
Duterte: Hindi kesyo nag-hi ako sa ‘yo eh ok na tayo, tanda!

Ban Ki-Moon: Huwag mo akong takutin. Kakampi ko ang Amerika.

Duterte: Kakampi ko ang China.

Ban Ki-Moon: Nasa likod ko ang buong Europa.

Duterte: Ipapa-Facebook kita kay Mocha.

Ban Ki-Moon: Inaano ba kita?!? Mag-usap nga tayo nang maayos.

President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon II
Duterte: Sec-Gen Ban, good morning! Rody Duterte po from the

Ban: Philippines? Alam ko! Rockstar ka nga raw ‘di ba? Dinudumog kahit saan. Bawat mura, pinapalakpakan. ‘Pag naipit, sasabihin ‘joke lang.’ Pero ‘pag tinanong mo naman about extrajudicial killing, sasabihan kang ‘wag makialam at ikaw pa ang uupakan. ‘Tapos ang lakas ng loob magbantang aalis sa UN? Iba ka.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ang daming sinabi, nag-good morning lang ako.
Obama and the Aide
Obama: Anong sabi?

Aide: “Who you” daw po kayo?

Obama: Tapos?

Aide: Sisipain ka raw sa harap ng reporters.

Obama: Ano pa?

Aide: ‘Di raw siya papayag na lektyuran mo siya on human rights.

Obama: What else?

Aide: Nigger daw kayo at ipinanganak sa Kenya.

Obama: Tarantado! Parang walang namang ganun. Kung makagatong ka naman!
President Obama and President Duterte
Obama: Ang lakas ng loob mong manermon! O loko, eh ‘di hanggang tanaw ka na lang d'yan ngayon.

Duterte: Gago! Hindi ikaw ang tinatanaw ko kundi ‘yung babaeng naka-blue sa gilid mo. Feelingero!
President Duterte and the Server
Duterte: Masarap ba ‘yang gatas mo?

Server: Hindi po gatas ito. Juice.

Duterte: Masarap ba ang juice mo?

Server: President Obama o, binabastos ako.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Hindi kita binabastos. Out of context ka!

President Duterte and the Server II
Duterte: Alam mo Miss Beautiful, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Server: Bastos! Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, ang hilig n’yo pa rin!

Duterte: Ah ganun?!? Siguro bayaran ka? Nakadilaw ka eh. Bias ka! Bias!
President Duterte and Brunei’s Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah
Duterte: Kapatid mo pala si Jefri? ‘Yong playboy na may harem tapos labingwalo ang anak.

Bolkiah: Uy! Ikaw pala. Kumusta naman ang mahigit dalawang libong pinatay in the name of your war on drugs?


Bolkiah: O, nauna ka huh. Sumagot lang ako.
President Duterte and Lao Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong
Thammavong: Dahil ikaw ang bagong Asean chair, tanggapin mo ang gavel na ito.

Duterte: Ang bigat ah. Pwede ko ba ‘tong ibato?

Thammavong: Sa mga addict o sa mga pusher?

Duterte: Sa media. Lagi akong misquoted eh.

Thammavong: Sige lang. Para maturuan ng leksyon ang mga ‘yan!

Duterte: Sure?

Thammavong: Just don’t quote me.
President Duterte, Aung San Suu Kyi, Sultan Bolkiah and Indonesia’s Widodo
Duterte: Madam, I am Rody Duterte from the Philippines. I am

Suu Kyi: Kung ija-justify mo na naman ang extrajudicial killing sa bansa mo, umalis ka na sa harapan ko.

Bolkiah: #burn

Widodo: Friendzoned ampucha.

Duterte: Dinig ko kayo. 'Tang ina n'yo!
Philippines and Indonesia
Duterte: I heard gusto mong gayahin ang style ko against drugs.

Widodo: Sana. Paano ba ginagawa 'yon?

Duterte: 44 deaths kada araw. Ganun!

Widodo: 44 ang papatayin kada araw?!? Parang 'di kakayanin ng mga pulis ko 'yan.

Duterte: Eh ba't nagtanong ka pa? Gago! Palitan mo na nga lang ang pangalan mo. Dapat WiNONO!


Duterte: Medyo korni. Sorry.
Social Media
Duterte: Kumusta sa social media?

Dureza: Nakakapangilabot Mr. President. Tingnan mo 'to. Almost a million na ang nag-share ng article na ikaw raw ang napiling best president sa Solar System.

Duterte: Good!

Dureza: Hindi ka naba-bother sa pagiging gullible ng Pinoy, Mr. President?

Duterte: Hindi ba mas nakaka-bother kung hindi sila gullible?

Dureza: May point. #infairness
The Team
Andanar: Our president has been treated like a rockstar in Laos. Grabe, dinudumog talaga siya ng world leaders for a selfie.

Yasay: His debut on the world stage was brilliant and superb!

Cayetano: Kahit ‘di ako tinatanong, magsasalita na rin ako. The brief meeting with Obama went well. Napaka-warm ng handshake at very good ang naging conversation nila.

Duterte: Mga kababayan, palakpakan po natin ang aking praise and worship team na kasama sa Laos. Thank you.

Salvador Panelo: Gusto ko lang idagdag na

Duterte: Sabi ko, 'ok na,' 'di ba? Nag-thank you na ako. Tama na. Baka sumabit ka pa, 'tang ina.
“War, they say, is the answer of those who have no arguments left.”
~Andrew Ashling
No Kidding: Sarcasm Ban
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has banned North Koreans from making sarcastic comments about him or his regime. But that’s nothing compared to what has been happening on social media since President Duterte took office: a self-imposed ban on common sense.

In case you missed it…
Stephen Colbert pokes fun at Duterte’s anti-US/Obama rant. Starting at 2:52.

After that epic photo blunder, here’s another epic fail from another Duterte spokesman Peter Tiu Laviña:

Poll Results


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
9/13/2016 6:04:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

Sound Bites
“I have explained to [Duterte] about Mary Jane’s situation and I told him that Mary Jane [has been found guilty] for carrying 2.6 kilograms of heroin. I also told him about the delay in the execution during the meeting. President Duterte then said, ‘Please go ahead if you want to execute her.’”
~Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo

INDONESIAN President Jokowi Widodo said President Duterte had given him the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso, a Filipina drug convict. Yasay, Piñol, Dureza, and Abella have already denied the report that first came out in the Jakarta Post. I suggest that Filipinos withhold judgment until the OTHER interpreters – Andanar, Cualoping, Panelo, Cayetano, Calida and Mocha have issued their own statements.

DFA Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said President Duterte actually told Indonesian President Widodo he “respects their judicial processes.” The conversation turned awkward when Widodo allegedly replied, “Respect your own judicial processes too.”

Secretary Yasay described the headline of The Jakarta Post as “erroneous.” The Jakarta Post described Yasay’s reaction as “templated.”

In yet another version, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella quoted the President as telling Widodo, "Follow your own laws.” To which, Widodo reportedly answered, “What do you know about following laws?”

President Duterte of the Philippines has given the Indonesian government the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso according to The Jakarta Post. Just so you know, The Jakarta Post is the largest English-language ‘bias,’ ‘yellow’ newspaper in Indonesia
Latest Development
Adam Harvey, a Jakarta-based journalist reported Tuesday the latest on the Maryjane Veloso issue. Harvey said “Jokowi is not backing down over his account of Duterte’s controversial statements.” That means it’s Jokowi’s word against Duterte’s, and Piñol’s and Abella’s and Dureza’s and Yasay’s.

Last week in Laos, presidential adviser Jesus Dureza said President Duterte “was not feeling well” so he skipped the Obama-Asean leaders meeting. But just the other day, Duterte revealed he actually skipped the meeting "purposely” because “I do not like the Americans.” The revelation made Duterte look like a ‘principled leader’ and Dureza, a ‘stupid liar.’

Out, Now!
On Monday, President Duterte called for the withdrawal of American troops in Mindanao. His exact words were: “The special forces, they have to go.” The announcement came as a shock to American soldiers, Washington DC, and Pia Wurtzbach.

Out, Now! II
On Monday, President Duterte said, “The US special forces, they have to go!”
The next day:
DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay: Duterte made the statement in the CONTEXT of wanting to SAVE Americans.

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana: The President said it is up to the US to pull out for their safety.

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: He is not telling US troops to leave. It’s just a warning.

The statements prompted President Obama to send the three officials a thank you note saying, “I appreciate your efforts, sanitary engineers!”

Last month, President Duterte told the media he wanted to change the name of Malacañang. Rumors say he has decided on a new name. Inspired by his spokesmen and interpreters, Malacañang will be known soon as "Babel Palace."
Revisionism I
The government-run website, Official Gazette drew flak for editing and “sanitizing” an entry about the late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. Some news reports say the revision may have been done by a certain Marcos Angelo Cabrera, who used to work for Bongbong Marcos but now writes for the Official Gazette. Netizens had reason to believe that the culprit was Cabrera because the edited Marcos entry ended with the hashtags #LaylayanYourFace #WinADateWithSandro and #MartialLawNeverHappened.

Revisionism II
Solicitor General Jose Calida says Filipinos who oppose the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani are “bitter” who “cannot forgive.” Apart from being the solicitor general, Calida is also a contributor at the Official Gazette.

President Duterte says LP members are to plotting to oust him. The accusation was clearly a joke since there’s hardly any LP members left.

Miss Universe 2017
As we all know, the Miss Universe pageant will be held in Manila in January 2017. Malacañang is reportedly offering our candidate, Maxine Medina the services of its interpreters. She politely declined.
'Train To Busan'
An unknown virus ‘infects’ people causing aggressive and violent behavior. Those who are ‘infected’ attack others even without provocation. But enough about rabid Duterte supporters. Let’s talk about the movie, ‘Train To Busan.’ It’s a thrilling zombie apocalypse flick. May puso. Go watch it.
“With great power often comes great confusion.”
~ Dan Allen, Seam in Action

The New York Times: How Countries Like the Philippines Fall Into Vigilante Violence
"Once violence becomes an acceptable means for settling disputes and exerting power, it is difficult for people to trust any other system. State officials have little standing to demand that people follow the rule of law when the state itself has been encouraging lawless violence."

Sound Bites
"Quite frankly, I have not heard that statement, and I would like to understand in what context did the President say that also. But I will insist and tell you the truth that the reason he was not able to attend these two meetings was because he was not feeling well.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., 9.13.206 – despite the President’s statement that he skipped the US-Asean meeting "on purpose"

‘Tang ina. Ang daming nagsasalita. Umayos nga kayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Jakarta Post, Adam Harvey,]


  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
9/18/2016 7:17:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
DESPITE its busy schedule, the Devil granted this blogger an exclusive interview the other day. Here’s the unedited transcript.

Uy, kumusta ka na?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw?

I’m good. Maayos naman ang buhay.

Ang lungkot naman. Gusto mong gawin kong exciting?


Thank you.

What keeps you busy these days?

Ahhh, marami. May world tour ako actually. Last July, nasa France ako, remember?

Ohhh, so ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng terror attack sa Nice noong Bastille Day.

‘Yong truck na nanagasa ng civilians? Of course. Who else?

Demonyo ka talaga!

Thank you! Actually kagagaling ko lang din sa Syria. The situation there was hell. I love it!

Sana nag-stay ka na lang do’n.

Tanga! Bakit pa? I can Skype. I can tweet. I can Snapchat. I can even Facebook Live. Pwede ko nang i-manipulate at imonitor ang mga nangyayari sa iba't ibang bansa anytime!

So bakit ka pa nagpunta rito?

Kasi nga, I feel so special here. Patayan dito, patayan dun, EJK here, EJK there, murahan sa umaga, murahan sa gabi… hashtag winnnnnning!

Ang sama mo!

Thank you! Alam mo, sobrang nag-enjoy ako last Thursday sa Senate hearing.
Nandun ka?

Naman! Alam mo ‘yong moment na halos magsuntukan sina Cayetano at Trillanes? That was so awesome! That was me!

Wala namang suntukan eh.

Alam ko! Punyeta kasi ‘yang si De Lima eh! Pakialamera! Kung kailan malapit nang magpang-abot ‘yong dalawa, saka naman biglang umawat. Buwisit kang babae ka! Ito ang tandaan mo: hindi ka na magkaka-love life ulit! You will die alone. And sad! Bitch!

Ang laki ng galit mo kay De Lima!

KJ kasi ‘yang lecheng ‘yan eh! Ang saya kaya ng araw-araw na patayan ‘tapos iimbestigahan niya?! Bobo! Pati ‘yang CHR na ‘yan, bobo! Hindi kayo magtatagumpay!

Teka lang, relax. Masyado kang mainit.

Isa ka pang bobo! Sa impyerno ako galing, sanay na ako sa init! Idiot.

Punta naman tayo sa ibang isyu. Active ka sa social media ‘di ba? Nagbabasa ka ba ng comments?

What do you mean, ‘nagbabasa?’ Tanga ka ba? I am behind those comments.


Putangina mo. Mamatay ka na. Sana ma-rape ka. Uubusin ko ang pamilya mo. Sasaksakin kita pag nakita kita. Fuck you dilawan. Ang bobobo ng Duterte die hards. Blah blah blah! AKO LAHAT ‘YAN!

You’re kidding.

Of course not! I created them. Ako rin ang gumawa ng mga trolls na aktibo ngayon online. Hashtag proud! Love it!


Thanks for the compliment!
Ano nga pala ang masasabi mo kay Pangulong Duterte?

Matagal ko nang protégé ‘yan pero aaminin ko, we have a love-hate relationship.


Eh kasi tatanga-tanga. Inuubos niya ang mga snatcher, pusher at mga drug lord. Helllooooooooo! Ang mga dugyot na ‘yan ang nagpapasaya sa mundo! Hangga’t nandirito ako, hindi ka mananalo sa drug war, Digong!

Sabi mo love-hate? Eh parang hate lang naman ah. Where is the love?

Suspek pa lang, pinapatay na! Hindi pa nakakasuhan, guilty na. ‘Tapos pati mga inosenteng bata at mga kabataan, nadadamay pa! Ang saya-saya! At ‘yong pagmumura niya? Wow. He has overachieved! Love it! Keep it up Tatay Digong!

Tatay Digong talaga???? Mocha Uson, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Fuck you! But I love Mocha! Ang laki ng potential.

So, gusto mo rin ang ginagawa niya?

Absolutely! Ituloy mo lang ‘yan anak. Ang dami mo nang followers. Tutulungan kitang paramihin pa ‘yan. Memes pa more! Love it!

Favorite expression mo yata 'yong ‘Love it’ ‘no?

Kung nega, ‘love it.’ Kung positive... ‘tang ina ba’t ba pati expression ko, pinapakialaman mo?

Nagtatanong lang naman. ‘Di naman ako nakikialam. OA mo!

Alam ko! Thank you!

Magbabanggit ako ng names, tapos mag-comment ka.


Vice President Leni Robredo…

Isang malaking tanga! Naglabas ba naman ng statement na ‘di siya susuporta kung sakaling i-impeach si Duterte. Tsansa mo nang maging pangulo, ayaw mo pa. Istupida! Tutulungan na nga kita, ayaw mo pa? Tadyakan kita d’yan eh.

Masyado ka namang bayolente.

Thank you! Sino pa?

Kris Aquino...

The last time na nagkasalubong kami eh noong gamitin niya sa kampanya ang presidential chopper. I miss her.

Presidential spokespersons and other interpreters...

My favorite! First honor sa katangahan ang mga ‘yan kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa magkakaiba nilang sinasabi! Feed ako nang feed ng conflicting statements, kagat naman sila nang kagat. Love it!
Manny Pacquiao...

Nabuwisit ako d’yan nang mag-Born Again Christian. Huminto sa pambabae ang pucha. Bobo! Pero lately, nagkabati na kami dahil consistent ang pagiging homophobic niya ‘tapos pabor pa siya sa death penalty. Tawang-tawa ako nang sabihin niyang ibitin na lang ang convict tapos sipain na lang ang silya. Ang primitive lang at ang cruel ng suggestion. Love it!

Pope Francis...

Yuck! Ang linis-linis. Kadiri.


I am so happy for them! Ibinalik ang 80 million pesos na pork barrel bawat congressman. Pasalamatan n’yo ako mga gago! If not for me, nganga pa rin kayo! Hashtag happy days are here again. Kitakits sa hearing next week! Balita ko tetestigo ang mga alaga ko from Bilibid! Nakaka-proud! Go lang nang go! #laban #puso #push Love it!

Speaking of Congress, how about Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?

Welcome back! Ang shaya-shaya, ‘no? Love it!

Edgar Matobato...

Hudas! Ilang taon kitang inalagaan, inarmasan, pinakain, at prinutektahan tapos bigla mo akong tatalikuran?! Walanghiya! Hindi na kita ililibre sa McDo! Walang utang na loob!

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales...

Hindi ko siya kilala. At hindi ako interesado sa kanya.

Baka naman basted ka lang ni Ombudsman.

Punyeta siya. Period. Next!

Former vice president Jojo Binay...

Miss ko na siya. I’m still a fan of his ‘achievements’ though. Love it.

General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa...

Sabi ni Bato, from July 1 to September 17, more than 17,000 drug personalities na ang naaresto. I hate it. But in fairness, almost 3,000 na ang napapatay. Love it!

The late dictator Ferdinand Marcos...

I bumped into him kanina. Mukhang malungkot. Tarantado kasi ‘yang Supreme Court dahil na-TRO na naman ang planned burial sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. F*ck you SC justices! You don’t do that to my friend. F*ck you!

Sandro Marcos...

Panalo ang batang ‘yan! He’s been consistently awful. Love it!
Last na… Salvador Panelo.

My hero! Sabi niya kahapon, ipu-propose niya ang “constitutional dictatorship.” Tang ina! Ano ‘yon? Pero mukhang exciting... so, love it!

May message ka ba sa mga Filipino?

Ano ‘to? Talk show? May message pa talaga?

Sige, ‘wag na.

Gago! Nagtatanong lang ako. ‘Di ko sinabing ayaw. Anyway, to majority of Filipinos… mga friendsheeeeeeeep, mga repapips (Tang ina, ang luma ng repapips. Parang adik lang), mga kapamilya, kapuso, kapatid, mga dabarkads at madlang pipol… kung gusto n’yong batikusin si Duterte, go lang. Mas maraming bangayan, mas cool sa akin ‘yan! Pero suportahan pa rin natin ang patayan sa Pilipinas! The other day 22 daw ang pinatay overnight. Ang liit nun mga pards! Damihan pa natin! Try natin ang 75 per day! At ‘wag na kayong magreklamo ‘pag may pinapatay. Buhay pa naman kayo ‘di ba? Pag kayo na ang pinatay, dun na lang kayo mag-ingay. [Tang-ina, paano kaya ‘yon?] Otherwise… chill! Ok? Love it!

Wait, wala pa namang hearing. Saan ka muna pupunta?

Tanga! Nandito na ako sa Kongreso. Nauna na ako! Dito na lang muna ako magmomonitor ng patayan habang wala pang hearing.

Ok ka lang d’yan?

Of course! Bahay ito ng mga congressman. I feel so at home here.

Love it?

Love it! Ulol!
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.”
~ Albert Einstein
TIME: The tragic cost of President Duterte's war on drugs

Sound Bites
"Sixteen thousand ang sumuko. Ibig sabihin, ilan lang ang napatay dahil nanlaban. Nasaan ang massacre doon?"
~Tito Sotto, senator

Why are we being punished?

Poll Results

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate Hearing: Rappler; Duterte:; TIME Magazine]

professionalheckler | AMpSun, 18 Sep 2016 11:13:51 +000013Sunday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p09 | Tags: de lima and matobato, duterte and extrajudicial killing, interview with the devil 2016, political humor, president duterte anti-drug war, professional heckler | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL:

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Leo Beligan
9/26/2016 9:35:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
RODRIGO DUTERTE knew and allowed vigilante killings when he was mayor of Davao City according to a confidential diplomatic cable dated May 8, 2009 released by WikiLeaks.

Dear Wikileaks, tell us something we don’t know.

Commission on Human Rights Regional Director Alberto Sipaco who was being quoted in the confidential cable revealed that Duterte “channeled his anger over his son's drug use not just against drug pushers, but also drug users eventually leading him to embrace vigilante killings as a means to reduce crime.” And Edgar Matobato was like “Told yah!”

15 Additional Information On Or About President Duterte Released By Wikileaks

1. In 2008, Leila De Lima turned down Rodrigo Duterte’s offer for a dinner date.

2. There’s a huge portrait of Ferdinand Marcos inside Duterte’s mini-office in his Davao home. He talks to the portrait every night before going to bed.
3. Despite his tough guy image, Duterte wears Spongebob briefs or boxers everyday.

4. He sleeps with a loaded gun tucked into his underwear.

5. Psychologists attribute Duterte’s Antisocial Narcissistic Personality Disorder to his triorchidism, a congenital anomaly characterized by the presence of three testicles.

6. Wiretapped calls from 2008 to 2013 revealed Duterte uttered the words ‘Putang ina’ 1,095 times per year on the average.
7. When he heard rumors his son, Paolo was into drugs, Duterte subjected him to a game of Russian roulette.

8. In 2010, he was secretly rushed to the hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains. Doctors found 15 bullet casings in his stomach which he consumed every Christmas Day during the last 15 years. After the successful surgery, Duterte vowed not to eat bullet casings again.

9. Duterte never wanted a daughter. He wished Inday Sara was male. Her decision to sport a pixie cut was on Duterte’s orders.

10. For three years, Duterte’s ring back tone was ‘Pusong Bato.’

11. In 2013, Duterte terminated a six-month relationship with a part-time model whom he discovered a year later to be a transgender woman. Fearing for her life, the woman decided to leave Davao City for an undisclosed place.

12. Duterte keeps a DVD stash of his favorite movies: The Notebook, Kung Fu Panda, The Hangover, Brokeback Mountain, and Shrek.
13. In 2011, Duterte considered rhinoplasty but no doctors wanted to perform surgery on him.

14. He has a rare form of ambidexterity. He can write Visayan using his left hand and he can write profanity using his right hand at the same time.

And lastly...

15. He has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on his left butt cheek.

Note: These bits of information are subject to verification.

In a video uploaded to YouTube, Taiwanese animators depict President Duterte as a clown, moron
“Minds that have withered into psychosis are far more terrifying than any character of fiction.”
~Christian Baloga
Sound Bites
“The peso's decline is mainly due to politics, with the Philippine president’s ongoing war on drug dealers and his intent to seem to alienate all of their major trading partners.”
~Jeffrey Halley, market strategist, Oanda Asia Pacific on the peso’s plunge

“Ayoko naman siyang patulan kasi pangit siya.”
~President Duterte on Sen. Leila De Lima

“Naawa na po ako sa inyo mahal na Pangulo, tigilan na ninyo ako. Ano po ang gusto ninyo sa akin? May gusto po ba kayo sa akin?”
~Sen. Leila De Lima


Poll Results

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
9/29/2016 11:09:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
THE FEISTY and the brilliant Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is in the headlines. She’s dead. This marks the first time since June 30 that someone who made it to the headlines for being dead was neither killed by the cops nor summarily executed by unknown assailants.

In a statement, President Duterte said Senator Miriam “is best remembered as a graftbuster ‘eating death threats for breaksfast.’” While Duterte will be best remembered as a drug-buster eating words after press cons.

The President noted that for being a graftbuster, Senator Miriam earned the title ‘Iron Lady of Asia.’ To be fair to Duterte, he has already earned the title ‘Iron Man of the Solar System.’

President Duterte said, “As a constitutionalist, Senator Miriam has always been an advocate for the rule of law.” When asked if he’s also an ‘advocate for the rule of law,’ Duterte replied, “Did I claim to be a constitutionalist?’’
Senator Miriam’s running mate in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said she “has left the world less wise, less bright.” To which, his son, Sandro said, “Ouch!”

Miriam’s popularity waned when she supported deposed president Joseph Estrada during his impeachment trial. In 2001, she vowed to jump off a plane without a parachute “if Erap is arrested for plunder.” The arrest did happen. When confronted by the media about her promise, the senator infamously quipped, “But I lied ha-ha-ha-ha” – totally inspiring the likes of Noynoy Aquino [Magpapasagasa ako sa tren] and Rodrigo Duterte [Magji-jet ski ako sa Spratlys at magtatayo ako ng Philippine flag].
Senator Miriam was the first Asian to be elected as judge of the International Criminal Court (ICC) based in the Hague, Netherlands. It is the “court of last resort” for war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity. The ICC was probably Miriam’s “greatest dream” and will probably be Rodrigo Duterte’s “worst nightmare.”

Senator Miriam served all three branches of government: as a cabinet secretary (executive), as a senator (legislative) and as an RTC judge (judiciary). President Duterte is probably better. He served as city prosecutor (judiciary) and now owns the two other branches of the government.

Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Senator Miriam’s life is the epitome of good governance.” And then she asked, “How to be you po?”

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “We lost one of the most feared campaigner against corruption in government.” In totally unrelated news, lawmakers will each get 80 million pesos in pork barrel “district allocations” under the proposed 2017 budget.
Controversial Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II said the country had “lost a great mind and an indefatigable leader and public servant.” When reporters tried asking follow-up questions, he refused and covered his ears.

Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre added, “My regret is that I had no opportunity to reconcile with her.” Well, there’s a way to do THAT naman. Gusto mong i-try?

Senators called Miriam Defensor-Santiago an “intellectual giant.” When she died, the Senate lowered the Philippine flag to half-staff and the average Senate IQ by half.
“The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.”
~Charles de Gaulle

In other news…
According to President Duterte, the CIA is planning to kill him - prompting Fidel Castro to release a statement saying, “Itigil ang ilusyon! Hindi pa kita ka-level.”

President Duterte believes the Central Intelligence Agency is out to destroy him. The CIA replied, “You’re already doing that. Why would we interrupt you?”

Manny Pacquiao admitted he used different kinds of drugs as a teenager but kicked the habit, reformed himself, and became a world champion. Today though, he supports President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs. Kill the user. Kill the pusher. Pacquiao cannot see the irony in that. As Senator Miriam’s book would probably say, “Pacquiao is forever!”

Manny Pacquiao admitted he did use different kinds of drugs. We can still see the side effects.

Sound Bites
“I accept this. I do not want to do anything heroic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s last words as quoted by her husband, Narciso Santiago

We had differing opinions on some issues and I did ‘heckle’ her on this blog a number of times but I have always admired the brilliance and humor of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. She would always send me a Christmas gift – even until last year when she was battling cancer. In Philippine politics though, she was the gift. Maraming salamat at paalam Senator Miriam.

There can only be one. Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
10/4/2016 11:11:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

FOUL-MOUTHED Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte threatened to “break up with America” and even told President Obama, “You can go to hell!” In response, Obama said, “Thanks for the invite.”

Duterte also lashed out at the European Union (EU) and said, "better choose purgatory, hell is filled up." The European Union is asking about the context of Duterte’s statement, how Duterte said it, and why Duterte knows so much about hell.
Slaughter Them!
It’s less than 90 days before Christmas. Everyone can’t wait for the Yuletide season including President Duterte. In particular, the President is excited about December 28 because on that day he celebrates the slaughter of three million innocents.

While defending his all-out war on drugs, President Duterte invoked Nazi leader Adolf Hitler and the Holocaust. His most rabid millennial supporters were like, “What’s Holocaust?”
President Duterte recently appointed former congressman Teddyboy Locsin as Philippine ambassador to the United Nations. Locsin is now being criticized online after a tweet he posted last August 22 resurfaced and went viral. In the controversial post, Locsin said, “I believe that the Drug Menace is so big it needs a FINAL SOLUTION like the Nazis adopted. That I believe. NO REHAB.” Locsin has since deleted the tweet which apparently was Duterte’s basis for appointing him to the government in the first place.

Congressmen have apparently backed down on their plan to show the fake Leila De Lima “sex video” in the next House hearing. The time they spent watching it on RedTube was satisfying enough.
Actor Mark Anthony Fernandez has been arrested for alleged possession of a kilo of marijuana. Alma Moreno will have to pray harder.

Mark Anthony Fernandez says he uses marijuana as a "medication to PREVENT cancer." Doctors who heard the statement concluded, “He’s obviously on drugs.”

Someone sent me this letter last Friday.

Hello there! Just call me Maybe.

I really don’t understand. Like, you know. Why?!? Kasi nga, ‘di ba, there’s this letter from our school which came out today encouraging us to wear black sa game on Sunday between Ateneo and La Salle. When I read it, I was like, “Are you effin serious?” Ready na ang shirt ko. I even bought a new one at Powerplant in Rockwell so don’t be KJ, okayyyyy!!!!!???? (I won’t tell the color to protect my school. At ayaw kong ma-bash like, you know.)

An hour ago, my bestie texted, “Let’s go black huh kasi Dad said he’ll be in black.” I refused. Kasi nga, why mix politics and sports? Every year, naka-green or blue naman kapag La Salle vs Ateneo ‘tapos ngayon itim? Baduy.

And they’re talking about this EJK thingy. Fine. They’re killing the poor and the dugyots. But as President Duterte said, they’re addicts naman ‘di ba? They’re a menace to the society. ‘Buti na lang I don’t commute. Kasi baka ‘di ko kayanin ang threats. Like you know, when they’re gonna rob you or snatch your iPhone 7. Scary shit. By the way, there’s an iPhone 7 that exploded na raw. Gosh, I’m effin worried. Should I ask Dad for a new one?

Before some people bash me, let me be clear lang huh. I respect those who are against this EJK thingy. Pero if you wanna express your opposition to it, kayo na lang. It’s not everyone’s thing naman kasi. Besides, I kinda support naman President Duterte when he said na dapat mawala ang mga addicts of this world. I mean, helllllooooo. They’re so katakot naman talaga eh.

Aside from this EJK thing, na-mention din sa letter ‘yong Marcos burial issue. Like, helllloooo!!!! Pati ba naman ‘yon isama???? Anong kunek sa game ‘di ba? ‘DI BA???? I know for a fact (yes, nagbabasa naman ako) that Marcos has been frozen for like three decades. Let him rest. Anywhere! Move on na tayo! (Btw, Sandro Marcos’s older brother is a lot cuter. I mean, Sandro is ok by local standards but he’s got this like horrendous grammar so it’s a sorta turn off thingy).

‘Yun lang. I just shared my thoughts. Mas ok nang maging honest ‘di ba? Kesa naman you wear black just for the heck of it. I mean, maayos naman ang human rights ko. My friends and I live a peaceful life naman. We can go to the malls, window shop, eat pizza. We’re so free. And my family’s rights are not being violated naman. So, anong isyu ‘di ba? Feeling ko, medyo OA lang talaga ang reaction ng iba on this human rights thingy. But I respect them.

Done! At least nasabi ko na ang nararamdaman ko. I have to go. I’ll go check Manang muna if naplantsa na niya ‘yong new shirt ko. Can’t wait to watch the game. Wish us luck! XOXO
“I believe that the war on drugs is a tragically misplaced use of resources - an immoral venture that produces far more suffering than it alleviates.”
~David Harsanyi

Perceived wrongs?
Boo to this noisy Sri Lankan-turned-Filipino (thanks to the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos whom he served well)

Sound Bites
“Sobrang ingay ng pangulo. Tama lang na ipakita niyang galit siya sa droga pero ‘wag na siyang mag-ingay na: ‘Papatayin kita.’ ‘I will kill you.’ Hindi tama iyan. Kaya he is falling on his own sword, nadadapa siya sa kanyang espada dahil salita siya nang salita.”
~Sen. Richard Gordon


Propaganda war: Weaponizing the internet by MARIA RESSA
A fake account is a manufactured online identity, sometimes known as a troll depending on the account’s behavior. Not all trolls are part of a paid propaganda campaign, but for now let’s focus on the paid initiatives, which can pay a troll up to P100,000/month.

Poll Results

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
10/11/2016 8:18:00 PM


Posted: 09 Oct 2016 05:45 PM PDT

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is in office for 100 days now. When asked to rate his performance on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, Duterte gave himself a 6; Senator Lacson gave him a 7.5, and funeral parlors gave him a plaque of appreciation.
Serial Killer
Amid the increasing number of deaths in connection with the government’s relentless war on drugs, French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ – in a four-page banner story – dubbed Duterte a “serial killer president.” When Duterte heard about this, he Googled, “What’s ‘Go to hell!’ in French?”

Serial Killer II
French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ called Duterte a “serial killer president.” Duterte’s chief apologist in the Senate, Alan Peter Cayetano will release a statement as soon as he figures out a way to blame this on De Lima, Drilon and Trillanes.

In a Facebook post, actress Agot Isidro advised President Duterte to have himself checked by a psychiatrist. The actress said, “You’re not bipolar. You are a psychopath.” Duterte diehards were quick to retaliate. They called on the Bureau of Immigration to immediately deport the actress saying “she’s obviously French.”

Psychopath II
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro slammed President Duterte for daring the US and the European Union to withdraw their aid to the Philippines. She even called Duterte a “psychopath.” Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella defended the President saying he only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.” When asked if the President was a “psychopath,” Abella said, Duterte only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.”

Psychopath III
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro criticized President Duterte for his series of tirades against the US, the UN, and the European Union. Isidro even advised the President to have himself checked by a psychiatrist saying he’s “a psychopath.” Presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella said the actress was entitled to her own opinion – and then texted, “Alam mo na ang gagawin mo!” to Mocha Uson.
Psychopath IV
As expected, fanatical Duterte supporters viciously attacked Agot Isidro online. The foul-mouthed trolls told the actresss, “Putang ina mo baog! Hindi totoo ang sinabi mo. Si Tatay Digong ay hindi psicopat, pcychophath, psychopatch, sira-ulo na nga lang.”

Last week, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said the public must not take the President’s words literally. Instead, he said, “Let us use our creative imagination.” For example, when the President says, “Fuck you UN!” he can’t literally fuck an organization. So just imagine the President fucking Ban Ki-Moon instead. That’s creative imagination for you right there.

Imagine II
Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said, President Duterte’s words must not be taken literally. For example, when the President said he would kill his children if they were into drugs, that couldn’t be true. Paolo Duterte is very much alive.

Cocaine User
Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who has been accused of being a drug user said, “May isang senador diyan na gumagamit ng cocaine.” He made the accusation without presenting any evidence. And President Duterte was like, “Anak nga kita.”

Jesus Christ!
Reminiscing the day President Duterte offered him his current job, Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar said, “This must be how the apostles felt when Jesus told them to follow Him. Like the apostles, I obeyed.” Andanar couldn’t recall though Duterte’s exact words then because they were in Aramaic.
Jesus Christ! II
Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar likened himself to the apostles and President Duterte to Jesus when he offered him his current job. A mesmerized Andanar said he just “obeyed” Duterte who promised to pay him 100,000 shekels a month.

Hostage Incident
A 32-year-old man who took three people hostage at SM City Dasmariñas on Sunday afternoon was shot and killed by the police. Reports say the man entered the mall with a concealed weapon around 11 am. Shortly after, he was heard “cursing and shouting” attracting the attention of shoppers who thought President Duterte was insde the mall.

Morning Show
President Duterte has announced his upcoming morning show on PTV Channel 4. He didn’t say if it will go up against ABS-CBN’s ‘Umagang Kay Ganda’ or GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit’ but the show’s working title is ‘Unang Mura.’
“Insanity is contagious.”
~Joseph Heller

Sound Bites
“Rodrigo Duterte’s first 100 days as president have been marked by state-sanctioned violence on a truly shocking scale. His brutal crackdown on those allegedly involved in drug crimes has led to carnage on the streets and the obliteration of key human rights, including the right to life and to due process.”
~Amnesty International

Philippines secret death squads: officer claims police teams behind wave of killings
“Now, for the first time, a serving officer is revealing the inner workings of what he claims is an officially sanctioned, albeit secret, campaign to rid the streets of unwanted citizens.”

How Facebook algorithms impact democracy
“In every attack, Mocha Uson provides no evidence for her ad hominem accusations, but they have been shared often that many believe they are true.”

Do not be deceived.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
10/14/2016 2:44:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
FROM BAOG and biyuda to peluka and p*tang in@: how updated are you? Find out by answering this news quiz. Good luck!

1: Habang pinag-uusapan ang Charter Change, nagkainitan sina Surigao del Norte Rep. Robert ‘Ace’ Barbers at Surigao del Sur Rep. Prospero Pichay. Nagpang-abot ang dalawa at nagkasigawan. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang sinabi nila sa isa’t isa?
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Magnanakaw!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!

Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Mas nauna akong nagsabi ng putang ina. Talo ka na.
Pichay: Mas nauna si Pangulong Duterte, tanga!

Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Overweight ka gago!
Pichay: Hayup ka! Wala namang personalan!

2: Ayon kay Senate justice committee chair Richard Gordon, walang state-sponsored o state-sanctioned extrajudicial killing sa bansa. Ano raw meron?
A: Wala lang. Presidenteng nag-e-encourage na patayin mo ang may atraso sa ‘yo. ‘Yon lang. Masama bang pumatay? Uso naman ah.
B: Wala lang. Ilusyon lang ang lahat.
C: Wala lang. Ang mga iniulat na napatay, lahat nag-suicide!

3: Matapos tawaging “psychopath” ni Agot Isidro si Pangulong Duterte, sari-saring paninira ang ginawa ng Duterte fanatics sa aktres – na pinaniwalaan naman at shinare pa ng mga istupido sa social media. Ngunit ano ba ang reaksyon ng Pangulo sa sinabi ni Agot?
A: Bahala na ang mga kampon ko sa ‘yo. Good luck na lang.
B: Everyday, beginning today, sa isip ko’y yakap ka pa. Peace!
C: Ok lang. Totoo namang psychopath ako eh. At least, honest ako at may nagawa. Eh s’ya?

4: Nag-apologize sa social media ang National Anti-Poverty Commission (NAPC) na pinamumunuan ni Liza Maza ng militanteng Gabriela dahil sa offensive post ng official Facebook at Twitter accounts ng ahensya laban kina Agot Isidro at Vice President Leni Robredo. Ano ang ipinost ng NAPC troll na pinasusuweldo pa man din ng gobyerno?
A: Gutom na gutom siguro sa lalaki itong sina Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.
B: Isidro, Robredo… tuta ng Kano… i-bagsak!
C: Ang ingay-ingay ng baog at ng biyuda. Manahimik na lang kayo Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.

5: Instead na sampahan siya ng kaso sa Ombudsman, sinampahan si Senador De Lima ng kaso sa Dep’t. of Justice. Ayon sa Senadora, “Maybe because that is the domain of Aguirre, the master of fakery.” Siyempre, pinatulan siya ni Aguirre. Ano ang sabi nito?
A: Fake-fake mong madumi!
B: ‘Tang ina mo! Inaano ka ba ng peluka ko?!
C: I have a saba, I have a De Lima. Ugh! De Lima-Saba!

6: Sino ito?
A: Wenn Deramas
B: Winnie Castelo
C: Zooey Deschanel

7: Muling tinira ni Pangulong Duterte ang ilang lider ng CBCP na kritikal sa kanyang madugong war on drugs. He recently lashed out at former Davao bishop Fernando Capalla. Duterte said, “Mga pari putang ina, bwisit. Mga pamoral-moral. Si Capalla, ‘yong bishop namin doon, pareho man kaming __________.” Ano?
A: Pareho man kaming malibog n'yan!
B: Pareho man kaming nagva-Viagra n’yan!
C: Pareho man kaming buang n’yan!

8: Itinanggi ng dating bold actress na si Rosanna Roces na kabit siya ng isang drug lord sa Bilibid. Kumpletuhin ang paliwanag ni Osang: “Hindi droga ang business ko sa Bilibid (kundi) ________.”
A: Ligaya. Ligaya ang itawag mo sa akin.
B: Catering. Alam mo na! #HappyMeal
C: Caregiving. I care, they give.

9: Kinuyog ng Duterte supporters and Duterte fanatics ang Miss Earth-Philippines na si Imelda Schweighart dahil sa binitiwan nitong salita tungkol kay President Duterte habang kausap ang candidate mula sa Germany. Ano ang kontrobersyal na sinabi ni Schweighart?
A: “You know what Ms Germany, our President is uncircumcised like many Europeans. Hihihi”
B: “You are German, I’m half-German, and our President is half-Hitler. Winner!”
C: “Our President’s ex-wife has German roots. So let’s be careful. He’s kinda manyak.”

10: May kadramahan na naman si Kris Aquino. Inamin ng TV host na nagtampo siya nang husto sa ex-husband niyang si James Yap recently dahil:
A: May lovelife ang basketbolista, siya wala. #saklap
B: Hindi siya kinuhang ninang sa bago nitong baby
C: Trip lang. Part ‘yon ng annual tradition ni Kris. Kailangang awayin niya si James every year.

Ifugao lawmaker Teodoro Baguilat Jr. has filed a bill that seeks to promote mental health protection and improve mental health services. In a private text message, the President said, “Thanks for the concern.”

Mental Health II
Baguilat said there’s a serious problem of lack of qualified mental health personnel in the Philippines. Today, there are only 490 government psychiatrists. And they’re all assigned to the President.

ICC Reacts
The International Criminal Court has spoken. ICC chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda said she is "deeply concerned" about reports of extrajudicial killings of suspected drug dealers and users in the Philippines. She added statements by "high officials" in the counry "seem to condone such killings." At press time, President Duterte has yet to release a statement although his online trolls have already released racist memes.

Congressmen Ace Barbers and Prospero Pichay traded insults and nearly came to blows during a House hearing the other day. Barbers and Pichay are just two of the reasons why there is a "Low" in Lower House.

Reacting to the incident involving Congressmen Barbers and Pichay and the damage this may have caused to the image of the House of Representatives, Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “Hindi naman siguro talagang na-damage.” Besides, what’s there left to damage?
“If you want to discover the true character of a person, you have only to observe what they are passionate about.”
~Shannon L. Alder

Sound Bites
“Sa isang banda, si Agot Isidro, may sense sinasabi; kung gusto mong magutom, magutom kang mag-isa 'wag mong kami idamay. Kung sumama ang ekonomiya, madadamay lahat nang karamihan ng Pilipino na magugutom.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson

“For the record, I don’t have a lover now. I don’t have a boyfriend now. I wish I had one so that he will take care of me.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

‘Don’t feed the trolls’ really is a good advice. Here’s the evidence.
“Deny them the pleasure of an angry reaction, and they’ll probably leave you alone.”

Don't be gullible.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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nenita bautista torqueza
10/21/2016 2:40:00 PM
DOZENS OF PROTESTERS were hurt when a police vehicle rammed into a group of anti-US protesters in front of the US Embassy in Manila. The police van charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting the militants. The Philippine National Police was quick to deny reports that its motto ‘To serve and protect’ has been changed to ‘Too fast and too furious.’

Before the violent dispersal, Manila Police District director Col. Marcelino Pedroso was caught on cam telling his men, “Magkagulo na kung magkagulo. Pulis tayo. Lumaban kayo!” Pedroso has been diagnosed with ‘Duterte Syndrome.’

News footage showed the police van suddenly charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting militant rallyists. But NCR Police Office director Chief Supt. Oscar Albayalde denied this and said, “Hindi naman sila sinagasaan!” Apparently, everything caught on video was all in our mind. A product of our creative imagination.

A First
For the first time since President Duterte took office, a violent dispersal of militant protesters happened. And for the first time in history, the militants had no president to blame.

The driver of the police van that ran over a group of protesters was identified as Franklin Kho. His superior told him not to worry because, ‘May kilala akong lawyer.’ While Agot Isidro told him, ‘May kilala akong psychiatrist. Patingin ka.’

In Beijing…
When told about the incident, President Duterte vowed to issue a statement when he returns from China on Friday, Oct. 21. But he has expressed doubts that police officer Franklin Kho was guilty of ‘extrajudicial driving.’

President Duterte said he had repeatedly told the police to exercise maximum tolerance during protest rallies. Still, a Manila cop driving a police van plowed through a group of militant protesters on Wednesday. The President has ordered his men to investigate if the driver had links to Senator Leila De Lima.

In Other News…
After typhoon Karen, there was super-typhoon Lawin. Tama na. Mother Nature should stop sending us destructive forces that kill. We already have our government.
“Surrender is no guarantee that an armed police officer will not shoot you.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
"Your stay in my country was for your own benefit. So time to say goodbye, my friend.”
~President Duterte to US, speaking in Beijing

Wait for the interpretations.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Videos US Embassy Protest: Inquirer.Net; Default Image Pic and Duterte Image: Agence France Presse]

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Leo Beligan
10/24/2016 7:03:00 AM

The Professional Heckler
Posted: 22 Oct 2016 08:26 PM PDT
“America has lost. I, in this venue, your honors, in this venue, I announce my separation from the United States both in military — not in social — both in military but economic. I am separated from them, so I will be dependent on you for all time.”
~President Duterte in Beijing, China

IN FRONT of Chinese businessmen and Chinese Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, President Duterte announced his “separation” from the United States and revealed his plan to talk to “President Vladimir Putin and tell him that there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Shortly after, Filipinos online announced their ‘separation’ from Rodrigo Duterte.

According to President Rodrigo Duterte, it will be the triumvirate of China, Philippines and Russia “against the world.” Baffled, the world asked, “Inaano ba kita? Punyeta ka!”

Moments after announcing his “separation from the US,” President Duterte revealed his intention to tell Vladimir Putin “there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Although it wasn’t reported that day, Sanity also announced its separation from Rodrigo Duterte.

Just a day after announcing in Beijing his “separation” from the United States – both military and economic, President Duterte backtracked. He said the country would not sever ties with the US – prompting the Makabayan bloc to cancel a victory party scheduled for tonight.

Exerting his best effort to interpret the President’s controversial statement, Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” But before leaving, the son had to curse his father and call him ‘son of a bitch’ while flashing a dirty finger.

Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “Separation is not an annulment. It’s not a divorce. It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” Thank you Brother Andanar for sharing with us that engaging parable of foreign policy.

Saying we must wait for official guidelines, Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Marie Banaag said the public should not “interpret” the President’s statement. Which makes sense since there’s already a government department for that.

Rowdy, Discourteous
Continuing his tirades against Westerners in front of the Chinese, President Duterte said, “Americans are a very discourteous people. They are a little bit loud, sometimes rowdy.” To be exact, Americans are the second rowdiest group of people in the world – next only to Duterte fanatics.

Quote of the Weak
Sandro Marcos continues to showcase his comedic talent online. Reacting to the President’s pronouncements in Beijing, Bongbong Marcos’s son tweeted, “Duterte shying away from the US actually makes sense in the long term, at least for now ” – forcing Agot Isidro to advise, “May kakilala akong Language teacher. Pa-tutor ka.”

Before the President is allowed to deliver a speech or asked to comment on something, there must be a disclaimer. I suggest any of the following:

The views expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily reflect the views of the government of the Republic of the Philippines or the Filipino people.

The views and opinions expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily represent official policy or position of the Republic of the Philippines or its citizens.

Ang mga pananaw ni Rodrigo Duterte ay kanya lamang at hindi kumakatawan sa pananaw o opisyal na polisiya ng Republika ng Pilipinas at ng mga Filipino maliban na lamang sa mga panatikong oo lang nang oo sa kanyang mga sinasabi at ginagawa.

Ang talumpati o pahayag na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maseselang tema, lengguwahe, karahasan, pagbabanta, sekswal, homophobia, misogyny, at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.
“Telling someone who is manic that he’s manic is like telling a dictator that he’s a dick. Neither is going to admit it, and both are willing to torture you to prove their points.”
~Melody Moezzi, ‘Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life’

Sound Bites
“It is not severance of ties. You say severance of ties, you cut the diplomatic relations. I cannot do that. It is in the best interest of my country that we maintain that relationship.”
~President Duterte explaining his ‘separation’ statement


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
10/27/2016 11:13:00 PM
All Saints’ Day Message
His Excellency Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

My countrymen:


I am truly happy dahil malapit na naman ang aking favorite national holiday, ang Araw ng mga Patay.

Masama ba? Pinaprangka ko lang kayo. Kung marami sa inyo ay nag-aabang ng Pasko o Valentine’s Day, ako naman, All Saints’ Day.

Simula sa taong ito, ang Araw ng mga Patay ay hindi na dapat ginugunita. Ito ay dapat sini-celebrate! Maraming rason kung bakit dapat ipagdiwang ang All Saints’ Day this year pero hindi ko na ‘yon iisa-isahin dahil masyadong marami – almost 4,000 na yata.

Hindi man sa pagmamayabang, ako ang presidenteng may pinakamalaking kontribusyon sa Araw ng mga Patay. Partida pa ‘yan, wala pa akong limang buwan sa puwesto. Tinutupad ko lang ang aking pangako noong kampanya.

If you would remember, (click here para maalala n’yo), nangako akong papatay ng lima kada linggo. Ngayon, kuwarenta’y kuwatro ang napapatay kada araw. Inuulit ko KADA ARAW! ‘Tang ina, ‘pag ‘di pa naman kayo natuwa n’yan, ewan ko na lang.

Sa mga may-ari ng punerarya at manager ng mga sementeryo, natutuwa ako dahil patuloy ang paglakas ng inyong negosyo. Kasama ‘yan sa ipinangako kong reporma sa inyo.

Sa mga taong bumabatikos sa aking pagtatrabaho, isa lang ang masasabi ko: PUTANG INA NINYO. Kinakampihan n’yo pa ang mga drug addicts at drug pusher pisti kayo.

Hindi ako natatakot mapatalsik sa pwesto, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you some more! Seventy-one na ako, kahit patayin pa ako ng putang inang CIA na ‘yan, ok lang sa akin. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: habang nabubuhay ako, PUTANG INA NINYO!

Mahal ko ang aking bansa kaya pumapatay ako. Kung hindi n’yo matanggap ang ginagawa ko, magsilayas kayo, mga putang ina n’yo!

At kayong mga Amerikano, ‘di pa kayo nagso-sorry sa mga pinatay n’yong Pilipino 110 years ago. Putang ina n’yo. ‘Tapos you keep harping on the issue of human rights? How dare you!?!

Hanggang dito na lamang at sana’y maging ligtas ang biyahe n’yo pauwi sa inyong mga probinsya.

Proud ako sa patuloy n’yong pagtitiwala kahit marami sa inyo – lalo na sa social media ay nagmo-mochang tanga na sa kade-defend sa akin. Walang iwanan. Together, let us KILL THE USER AND KILL THE PUSHER!

Daghang salamat! Schasleevava pootee! Xie xie!
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
~Albert Pine
Miss International 2016
Kylie Verzosa won the country’s sixth Miss International title. Reacting to Kylie’s victory, President Duterte said, “I am always happy if our beautiful women win all the titles. Pero lahat kayo diyan sa human rights commission, mga pangit!” Human rights commission employees refused to give a reaction. But they’ll give President Duterte a mirror.

In a speech during the pageant, Miss Philippines Kylie Versoza emphasized the importance of ‘international understanding.’ To which, President Duterte said, “What’s that?!”

In a presscon shortly after arriving from Japan, President Duterte said God talked to him and threatened to bring the plane down if he wouldn’t stop using cuss words. When asked if He indeed talked to Duterte, God said, “Hashtag dream on!”

According to President Duterte, God talked to him while he was on the plane from Tokyo. He’s getting worse. First, psychopathy. Now, schizophrenia.

President Duterte claimed he was able to talk to God while on the plane from Japan. In the words of presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, ‘creative imagination.’
Controversial Duterte fanatic Mocha Uson who has been critical of legitimate media organizations was recently invited by the Philippine Daily Inquirer for a sit-down interview. Apparently, the Inquirer heeded Sun Tzu’s advice: In war time, keep your friends close and your enemies, closer.

Critical of legit journalists and media outlets, Duterte fanatics and Mocha Uson labeled some news organizations like the Inquirer, ABS-CBN, GMA 7, Rappler, Philippine Star, and CNN Philippines as “presstitutes” – a portmanteau of press and prostitute. When someone told her, “Ikaw din naman ah – presstitute!” – Mocha Uson replied, “Excuse me, hindi ako press!”

Sound Bites
“I was looking at the skies as I was coming over here. And I… everybody was asleep snoring. A voice said that you know ‘If you don’t stop (inaudible), I will bring this plane down now.’ And I said, who is this? Of course, it’s God. Oh, OK. So, I promised God not to express slang, cuss words.”
~President Duterte

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/3/2016 7:30:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler

SIX DRUG USERS were killed by unknown assailants in Mandaluyong and Pasig last October 31. The gruesome murders were dubbed by the media as “Halloween massacre” and by Malacañang as “campaign promise.”

President Duterte spent the Halloween weekend with his family in Davao City. His grandchildren enjoyed their costume party. Some of them arrived as Marvel superheroes while some as Disney characters. But one apo, who tried to scare his lolo, caught the ire of the President when he arrived as a ‘human rights advocate.’
Broken Promise
A week after God “talked” to him while on a plane from Tokyo, President Duterte broke his promise not to use another cuss word. Cursing yet again the United States for reportedly scrapping an arms deal, Duterte called the Americans “monkeys.” Apparently, Duterte never saw the irony in calling them that.

Broken Promise II
When God allegedly threatened to bring down the plane carrying him from Tokyo, President Duterte vowed not to swear again. The other day though, he broke his promise. God can’t wait to board Duterte’s next flight to Malaysia.

The Fall
Citing our foul-mouthed president's cursing of trading partners, Credit Suisse Group AG and Rabobank Groep predict the peso will weaken past 50 per dollar next year. In the words of Michelle Obama, “When Duterte goes low, the peso goes lower.”

President Duterte said Manny Pacquiao should knock out welterweight champion Jessie Vargas in the early rounds of their scheduled fight this weekend. To be specific, Duterte wants Pacquiao to finish off Vargas in 3 to 6 rounds.

Safety First
A proposed bill in Congress will require PUV drivers to undergo and pass a mandatory traffic test to keep our roads safe. In response, angry PUV drivers said lawmakers must undergo and pass a mandatory honesty test to keep our taxes safe.
Foreign Affairs Sec. Perfecto Yasay has denied an online report he has dual citizenship. Yasay insisted, “I am not an American. I am a Filipino in thought, in word, and in deed. Xie xie!”

Miss Earth Philippines Imelda Schweighart was in the news recently for her bad behavior. Apparently, Schweighart has been badmouthing a fellow Miss Earth candidate. The fearless Palawan native who is not afraid to speak her mind has since resigned as Miss Earth-Philippines to focus on her next target: the presidency of the Philippines.

The Reason?

“Ganito kaliit ‘yong sa akin kapag ‘di ako nagmumura.
Kaya pagpasensyahan n’yo na kung ‘di ko mapigilang
mag-'Putang ina' araw-araw. Kailangan ko ‘yon
para mabawasan ang insecurity ko.”

Da Who?!
I am reprinting a juicy item from the Philippine Daily Inquirer written by award-winning business journalist Daxim Lucas.

Freebie-minded Cabinet official
The owner and officials of this large real estate firm couldn’t believe it.

One Duterte Cabinet official was recently at the shopping mall of this company and was being assisted by its officials, as is customary whenever a VIP guest is on the premises. And as part of their polite small talk, the mall people gave the Cabinet official the usual line: “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

Well, it was soon apparent that there was something they could do for this Cabinet official and they were soon regretting their polite pro forma words. That’s because this Cabinet official asked an assistant the very next day to get in touch with the executives of the mall and ask them for 150 tickets—that’s right, 150—for a musical that was being staged in the theater owned by the firm.

Why? Well, the Cabinet official wanted other employees of the department to watch the musical, too.
But here’s the thing: This real estate company has firm guidelines when it comes to dealing with government officials, so the request was—gasp—turned down.
Instead of an outright rejection, however, the real estate firm sent this Cabinet official VIP tickets for the Cabinet official to watch the popular musical. And so the Cabinet official watched the musical. But it didn’t end there.

After the show, the Cabinet official went window-shopping at the mall and promptly found some interesting items. Thus, this official asked staffers to call the mall executives to inform them that the official wanted two pairs of designer shoes seen in the shops right that minute.

But the mall official reasoned that such a request could not immediately be granted. Instead, the stunned mall executive suggested that the shoes be sent to the Cabinet official’s office the next day.

The mall executive also rejected a suggestion by the Cabinet official’s staffer saying that the official should just be given a complimentary P50,000 spending spree, with purchases over this amount to be settled by the official.

Anyway, the shoes were promptly sent to the Cabinet official’s office the following day, with one mall executive even advancing the money for the purchase.

And you think that’s the end of the story? Nope. The shoes were sent back—to the consternation of everyone at the mall and real estate firm—because the Cabinet official said they didn’t fit correctly.
Of course, the matter has reached the tycoon who owns the mall and real estate firm who could only shake his head in disgust. Too bad they have to work with this Cabinet official’s department and agencies as part of their business operations. —

For more Bizz Buzz, click here.
“Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.”
~Stephen King, Under the Dome

“Tingnan mo mga unggoy. ‘Yung 26,000 na baril na bibilhin natin sa kanila, ayaw nang ipagbili. ‘Tang ina mo!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

“Putang ina! Maski makipagsuntukan na kami sa mga drug lord na ‘yan kung kailangan, basta lang matapos natin ang giyera sa droga.”
~PNP Director General Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa on the reported scrapped arms deal with the US


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

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Leo Beligan
11/12/2016 1:44:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
Light bulb jokes, anyone?

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but it will probably take him 3 to 6 months (or even longer) to accomplish it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to buy a new bulb from China and another to change it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to curse America out of habit.

Q: How many Vitaliano Aguirres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insist that Leila De Lima was responsible for the old bulb burning out.

Q: How many high-profile inmates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. What do they get in return?

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to initiate a probe on the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s death.

Q: How many General Bato De la Rosas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll only do it in front of TV cameras and photographers.

Q: How many palace spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. One to change it and four to interpret what just happened.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to downplay the light bulb’s “death” saying more light bulbs “died” during the previous administration.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to tease the ‘event’ on Instagram, another to officially announce it in a presscon, and the third to actually change it.

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. Five to change it and nine to bury the burnt bulb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Q: How many Official Gazette editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb and another to screw it in again – but with a new twist.

Q: How many Duterte fanatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t because the light bulb is “dilawan” and they hate anything “yellow.”

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insinuate on Facebook that the “dead” light bulb took drugs and it deserved to die.

Q: How many Sandro Marcoses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is: does he even know what a light bulb is?

Q: How many La Salle basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to import a reliable and really good light bulb and another to shout “Animo La Salle” while the third is changing it.

Q: How many UST basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would rather change their coach.

Q: How many UP Pep Squad members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. Maybe next year.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.
“To fight evil, you have to understand the dark.”
~Nalini Singh, 'Heart of Obsidian'

"President Duterte, please give me a chance. I hope one day mamahalin mo rin ako.”
~Kris Aquino on Duterte’s snub of a scheduled interview

Do not insist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Leo Beligan
11/17/2016 9:06:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
ALLEGED DRUG lord Kerwin Espinosa, who was arrested in Dubai last month, is back. He’s very much alive – as of this posting.

Interviewed by the media at the airport, Kerwin Espinosa apologized to President Duterte and asked for a “second chance.” To be fair to the President who's in Peru for the APEC Summit, he didn’t ignore Kerwin. He replied, “Second chance? Ano ‘yun?”

Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre is confident Kerwin Espinosa will implicate Sen. Leila De Lima in the illegal drugs trade. Between doing that and death, the choice is obvious.

Sen. Leila De Lima has admitted her past relationship with former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Asked by ‘Bawal ang Pasaway’ host Winnie Monsod why she fell for her driver/bodyguard, Senator De Lima replied, “frailties of a woman.” When sought for reaction on Senator De Lima’s ‘frailties’ comment, Ronnie Dayan said he would first consult his family, his lawyer, and a dictionary.

Senator De Lima has confirmed rumors she had an affair with her former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Or as the Manila Times and the Manila Standard would say, “De Lima admits drug links.”

Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre wants Senator De Lima disbarred because of “immorality.” To which, Presidente Duterte, Manny Pacquiao, Bong Revilla, Joseph Estrada, and 85 percent of Congress said, “Pwede bang mag-focus na lang tayo sa drugs?”

According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, people opposing the Marcos burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani were “temperamental brats” who have an “awesome capacity for nurturing hate.” Human rights advocates and lawyers for Martial Law victims described Andanar’s opinion as “lunatic.” In other words, “presidential.”

After drawing flak for his controversial statement, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar wrote an apology on Facebook. He said, “I am sorry for calling you temperamental, brats!”

Martial Law
Communications Sec. Martin Andanar says, “Martial law never crossed” President Duterte’s mind and “it’s far from reality.” He didn’t say though whose “reality” – ours or Duterte’s.

The Department of Energy has ordered a probe into the power outage in Luzon including Metro Manila last Tuesday. Some are blaming power generation companies while others believe it was the fault of distribution utilities. Malacañang has instructed energy officials to figure out a way to blame it on Leila De Lima.

Interviewed by the Judicial and Bar Council, Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta, an aspirant for associate justice of the Supreme Court said laws on adultery and concubinage must be tougher on women - to the utter shock of gender equality advocates. Worse, when asked what punishment would be most appropriate for cheating wives, Acosta said, “We should burn them at the stake.”

Lawyer Persida Acosta was recently grilled by the Judicial and Bar Council. When asked by JBC execom chair retired Justice Angelina Sandoval-Gutierrez on the issue of the Marcos burial, Acosta faltered and was interrupted by the 78-year-old Gutierrez. It got more awkward when everyone in the room shouted, “Face to face! Face to face!”

BB Gandanghari
The actor formerly known as Rustom Padilla is now legally a woman. An Orange Country court granted her request to change her gender to female and her name to Binibini Gandanghari. As a woman, BB vows to campaign for LGBT rights and to campaign against Atty. Persida Acosta.
“Ignorance is not bad faith. But persistence in ignorance is.”
~Joanna Russ

Sound Bites
“Huwag n’yong solohin ’yung kapangyarihan niyo. Kayo lang parating tigas eh, kaya lang, you threaten us as if we are your laborers. I’m the President of the Philippines. I’m not their President. I don’t care. I don’t give a shit.”
~Rodrigo Duterte to APEC leaders

Inaano ka ba?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
11/22/2016 7:36:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
EVEN HITLER is wondering why Alan Peter Cayetano, Bongbong Marcos's harshest critic during the 2016 elections, is mum on the biggest issue in the country today - the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

[Note: If you can't see the subtitles, turn on your Subtitles/Closed caption settings]
“I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
~Nadezhda Mandelstam, 'Hope Against Hope'

Sound Bites
"In all honesty, I’m telling you: wala akong alam."
~Rodrigo Duterte on the burial of dictator Ferdinand Marcos

Joke of the week.
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Leo Beligan
11/25/2016 11:24:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
IF THERE’S a case against Leila De Lima, she must be charged and tried in the court of law. If the allegations are proven to be true, she must face the consequences of her actions. But first, Leila De Lima must be shamed - at least according to Filipino congressmen and their online cheering squad.

Just when you thought, the Lower House couldn’t get lower, Nov. 24 happened. In case you missed it, here’s the unedited, uncensored transcript of the sexually-charged portions of Thursday’s hearing at the House of Representatives.

Congressman A: Minahal mo ba si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Minahal ko po.

Congressman A: Totoong pagmamahal?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman A: Kung ganun, ilang beses kayo nagse-sex noon sa loob ng isang linggo?

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong kuneksyon niyan sa droga?

Congressman A: I would like to remind you Mr. Witness. You are under oath! Inuulit ko: ILANG BESES KAYO NAGSE--SEX SA LOOB NG ISANG LINGGO?!

Ronnie Dayan: Sige, sumigaw pa kayo. Ilakas n’yo pa para malaman ng lahat kung gaano kayo kaatat magtanong tungkol sa sex! May mikropono na, sumisigaw pa. Sige, heto ang mikropono ko para dalawa na. Go, sigaw pa! Pati sexual position, gusto n’yong ikuwento ko?

Congressman A:

Ronnie Dayan:

Congressman A: ‘To naman. Nagtatanong lang. Ang dami agad sinabi!

Congressman B: Ikaw ba ay nangulekta ng pera mula sa drug lords sa Bilibid para kay De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman B: Sigurado ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman B: I am reminding you, you are under oath.

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi nga eh. ‘Tang ina.

Congressman B:

Ronnie Dayan: Sorry naman. Na-carried away lang. Ang kulit n'yo kasi.

Congressman C: Ito na lang: kung hindi ka nangulekta ng drug money sa Bilibid para kay De Lima, minahal mo ba siya?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman C: Ilang years naging kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Pito po.

Congressman C: Ibig sabihin, nagtaksil ka sa iyong asawa?!?


Congressman C:

Ronnie Dayan: Nagtatanong lang sir. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, ‘k lang. Walang pilitan.

Female Solon: This line of questioning is necessary to establish your closeness to Senator De Lima. Sana ay maintindihan kami ng publiko. Moving on, may asawa ka ‘di ba?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo. May asawa po ako.

Female Solon: May asawa ka pero nakiapid ka kay De Lima. May mga anak kayo pero iniwan mo ang iyong misis para sa kanya. Anong klaseng asawa ka? Anong klaseng ama ka? At anong klaseng tao ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Bakit ganyan ka manghusga ma’am? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ipatayo mo ang Cebu International Convention Center noong 2006 na walang public bidding? Hinusgahan ba kita nang sampahan ka ng 11 counts of graft ng Ombudsman? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ma-indict ka dahil sa katiwalian?

Female Solon:

Ronnie Dayan: No further questions ma’am. You may proceed. Thank you.

Congressman D: Ang pagmamahal mo ba kay De Lima ay tapat, wagas, at dalisay?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po sir.

Congressman D: Ibig sabihin, hindi lang ito init ng katawan?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman D: Saan ito nag-climax?

Ronnie Dayan: Ba't po ganyan ang inyong mga tanong?

Congressman D: ‘Wag mo akong husgahan gago. In aid of masturbation legislation ang ginagawa namin.

Congressman E: Totoo bang nag-away din kayo ni De Lima noon?

Ronnie Dayan: Totoo po sir. Kasi nalaman kong may iba na s'ya.

Congressman E: Anong ginawa mo noong nag-away kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Sinampal ko po siya sir.

Congressman E: SINAMPAL MO!?!? Ka-babaeng tao sinaktan mo? Wow. Sana nag-isip ka muna.

Ronnie Dayan: Sana sir inisip n'yo rin 'yan bago n'yo sinaktan ang asawa n'yo noon!

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Tumatakas pa nga siya noon para makaiwas sa pananakit n'yo 'di ba?!?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Humingi pa nga s'ya noon ng tulong sa women's groups 'di ba?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: And worse, nang 'di na niya makayanan

Congressman E: 'Tang ina mo manahimik ka gago!!%$# Mr. Chair, I move for a one-minute suspension.

Congressman F: Totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po. Eh kayo sir, totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ng dating sexy actress na si V***** V**** noong 1980s?

Congressman F: Dapat kasi 'di na ako nagtanong eh. No further questions Mr. Chair.

Congressman G: Sabi mo, may dinala kang pera kay De Lima galing kay Kerwin Espinosa pero ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman G: Sigurado kang pera? Bakit ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po sinilip. Sinalat ko lang.

Congressman G: Ang hilig mo kasing magsalat!

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong pangalan n’yo sir?

Congressman G: Harry. I am Congressman Harry Roque.

Ronnie Dayan: Ang baboy n’yo po.

Congressman G:

Ronnie Dayan: Joooke.

Female Solon 2: So inaamin mong naging kayo talaga ni Senator De Lima.

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Female Solon 2: Pamilyado kang tao. Ibig sabihin, kabit mo si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po itinatanggi.

Female Solon 2: No further questions Mr. Chair.

Ronnie Dayan: Excuse me ma’am, kayo po ba si Congresswoman Baby Arenas?

Female Solon 2: Oo, ako nga. Bakit?

Ronnie Dayan: Kababayan ko po si dating Pangulong Ramos.

Female Solon 2:

Ronnie Dayan; #justsaying

Congressman X: Totoo bang may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Sex video po??

Congressman X: Oo! SEX VIDEO!

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: I am reminding you Mr. Dayan: you are still under oath! Again, ang tanong ko: may sex video ba kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: So hindi totoo 'yung napanood ko sa

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman X: Edited lang 'yong nakita ko sa

Ronnie Dayan: Malamang sir.

Congressman X: Punyeta! Bukas na bukas din, I am going to file a bill that will punish people who upload fake videos on porn sites. Panloloko ang ginagawa ng mga 'yan!
“Did freedom have to mean abolishing common decency?”
~Francine Rivers, 'A Voice in the Wind'

Sound Bites
"It is not surprising that there is a surge in the number of sexual harassment cases against our women both online and off. The dishonorable behavior of our lawmakers has reinforced this despicable culture since the beginning of these investigations.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

Bay of pigs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Screen caps: Rappler]

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11/29/2016 7:25:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
SATAN IS FURIOUS. Nawawala kasi ang wallet niyang puno ng pera. Sumigaw:

Marcoooos! Hindi ka na ba talaga magbabago?!?

Day 1. Hell. Attendance.
SATAN: Welcome to hell. Pangalan…

MARCOS: Ferdinand E. Marcos

SATAN: Kasalanan…

MARCOS: Naging pangulo ako ng Pilipinas.

SATAN: Hindi ‘yan kasalanan. ‘Wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

MARCOS: Wala akong matandaan.

SATAN: Pagtortyur, pagpatay, pagsisinungaling, pangangaliwa, pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw… admit it! You’re guilty!

MARCOS: Huh? Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko nun.



SATAN: 'Dagdag mo pa ang plagiarism, gago!

SATAN: Welcome to hell!

MARCOS: Hello! ‘Musta?

SATAN: ‘Di ka natatakot sa akin?

MARCOS: Hindi.


MARCOS: Hindi nga!

SATAN: Bakit ‘di ka natatakot eh ako si Satanas.

MARCOS: Exactly. Satanas ang pangalan mo, hindi Imelda. Bakit ako matatakot?

SATAN: O, ba’t parang ang lungkot mo d’yan?

MARCOS: Walang gustong makipag-usap sa akin eh.

SATAN: ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Bibigyan kita ng kausap. You have a lot of things in common. Magkakasundo kayo.

A minute later:
CNN Breaking News: Cuban leader Fidel Castro dead at 90

Phone Rates in Hell
MARCOS: Pwede bang makitawag?

SATAN: May bayad!

MARCOS: Magkano ba? Tatawagan ko lang si Cory, hihingi ako ng tawad.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos dials Cory’s number. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
A minute later…

MARCOS: Puwedeng pagamit ulit ng phone? Tatawagan ko lang ang human rights victims noong Martial Law.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos phones the human rights victims. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
Seconds later…

MARCOS: Last na. Patawag ulit. Kailangang-kailangan ko lang makausap si Imelda, si Bongbong, at si Imee, my family.

SATAN: 3 pesos per minute.

MARCOS: Huh? Ba’t kanina 100 pesos tapos ngayon 3 pesos per minute lang?

SATAN: ‘Yong kay Cory at sa human rights victims, long distance ‘yon. ‘Yong sa asawa at mga anak mo, local call lang ‘yon. Within the area lang sila.

The Deal
MARCOS: Sobrang init naman dito sa kuwarto ko. Pwede bang lumipat sa may aircon?

SATAN: Pwede naman pero may kapalit.

MARCOS: Ano ‘yon?

SATAN: Kukunin ko ang kaluluwa ni Imelda, ni Bongbong at ni Imee.

MARCOS: Ganun?!?

SATAN: So, ayaw mo?

MARCOS: May sinabi ba akong ayaw? Deal!

Satan allows Marcos to transfer to an air-conditioned room.
Minutes later.

SATAN: Bumalik ka na sa dati mong kuwarto!

MARCOS: Bakit?!? May deal tayo ‘di ba?

SATAN: Manloloko! Wala silang kaluluwa!

In Other News…
An improvised explosive device was found near the US Embassy along Roxas Boulevard the other day. Authorities detonated the home-made bomb -- successfully completing Day 1 of the martial law dryrun.

PNP Chief Ronald De La Rosa says the home-made bomb could have been planted by the Maute Group, an Islamic rebel group that has pledged allegiance to ISIS. De La Rosa refuses to make conclusions though since he has also received reports Leila De Lima was spotted in the area two days ago.

Congressman Climax
Heavily criticized for asking Ronnie Dayan questions like, “Mahilig ka ba sa sili?” and “Kailan kayo nag-climax?” during last week’s Lower House hearing, 1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr. blamed the media for what he called “selective reporting.” Apparently, the media failed to report that Balero also asked other questions such as: “Mahilig ba si De Lima sa lollipop?” “Nakailang putok ba ang kanyon?” and “Kinain mo ba ang tilapia?”

According to party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., his questions were necessary to establish "power relations between De Lima and Dayan." In fact, his questions were so relevant, he compiled them into a booklet called, “A Guide to Insulting People’s Intelligence.”

1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., who has earned the monicker ‘Congressman Climax,’ denied rumors his party-list group’s name has been changed to 1-Ang Maledukasyon.
"The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant."
~Maximilien Robespierre

Sound Bites
“I will include you because you are the reason why their numbers swell.”
~President Duterte threatening to kill human rights activists who criticize him for extrajudicial killings

“At this moment in our history, every voice counts and I wish to place mine on the side of history: not the history that the Duterte [administration] ignores, but the history that beckons our people to demand justice that even the highest court of the land will not bestow.”
~Maria Serena Diokno, Resigned chair, National Historical Commission of the Philippines

Make a stand. #MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos Burial 1: FEMC; Marcos Burial2: Philippine Army; Salvador Belaro Jr: Rappler]

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12/6/2016 7:01:00 PM

DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, ‘wag na siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Pare naman, ba’t ako ang magsasabi eh hindi naman ako ang pangulo?

DUTERTE: Mismo! Sino bang pangulo? Ikaw o ako?

BONG GO: Ikaw.

DUTERTE: So sino ang masusunod?



BONG GO: Heto na po ite-text na!

The Choice
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, simula sa Lunes, ‘wag na ‘wag na siyang a-attend ng kahit anong Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Sige pare. Sasabihan ko na.

DUTERTE: Teka muna! Paano nga pala ‘yong tuhod na lagi kong tinititigan?

BONG GO: Pare, you have to decide. Tuhod o Bongbong? Alin ang mas gusto mo?

DUTERTE: ‘Tang inang tanong ‘yan pare! Tuhod ‘yon ng babae. Si Bongbong, lalaki!


DUTERTE: Bongbong siyempre. #MarcosPaRin

The Text Message
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening Madam Vice President. ‘Wag ka na raw umattend ng meetings sabi ni Bong Go.

LENI: Wait. Sino po ulit ang nagsabi? Si Bong Go ho ba o ang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI: Akala ko si presidente.

EVASCO: Oo nga.

LENI: Huh? Sino bang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.


EVASCO: Sorta.

The Text Message II
BONG GO: Pareng Jun, i-text mo si Leni. ‘Wag na raw siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting sabi ni Presidente.

SECRETARY EVASCO: Teka pare. Ba’t ako ang magsasabi? Sino bang inutusan ni Presidente?


EVASCO: Eh ‘di ikaw ang mag-text.

BONG GO: Wala akong load eh.

EVASCO: Pasahan kita.

BONG GO: Lobat na ako eh.

EVASCO: Pahiramin kita ng charger.

BONG GO: Android ‘to eh. iPhone ka.

EVASCO: ‘Tang ina naman. Wala kang bayag! Sige na nga, ite-text ko na!

The Text Message III
LENI: Hi Secretary Go. Nag-text si CabSec Jun Evasco. ‘Wag na raw akong a-attend ng meeting starting Monday. At ikaw raw ang nagpapasabi. Totoo ba?


LENI: ‘Pag ‘di kasi ako umattend ng Cabinet meeting, mai-skip ko ‘yong trabaho ko. So totoo ba ‘yong tinext ni CabSec Jun?


LENI: Secretary Go, last text ko na ‘to. Can you confirm na hindi na ako pinaa-attend ng Cabinet meeting?!? Please reply.

BONG GO: Uy Bongbong, ano bang isasagot ko dito kay VP Leni? Sunud-sunod ang text eh.


BONG GO: Ooops. Sorry po. Wrong send.

Resignation Letter
LENI: I accepted the appointment as Chairperson of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) given our shared commitment to the poor and marginalized.

DUTERTE: O, tapos?

LENI: I have exerted all effort to put aside our differences, maintain a professional working relationship, and work effectively despite the constraints because the Filipino people deserve no less.

DUTERTE: Ano pa?

LENI: However, your directive for me to “desist from attending all Cabinet meetings” has effectively made it impossible for me to do my job. Remaining in your Cabinet has become untenable.

DUTERTE: Ang tagal naman ng “With due respect… “

LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

DUTERTE *typing*
Dear Bongbong, You’re welcome. Merry Christmas!

The Text Message IV
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening again Madam Vice President. Ipinasasabi ni Bong Go na may kapalit ka na raw bilang housing czar.

LENI: Wala pong problema. Pero ang bilis! Wala pang 24 hours, nakahanap agad. Sino po bang kapalit ko?





EVASCO: Txt back.

Heavy Heart
LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

ANDANAR: The President accepts your resignation as housing czar. With a heavy heart.


ANDANAR: Czaring!

BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba idi-dismiss ng Korte Suprema ang kaso ko ‘pag nasa pwesto ka na?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?


DUTERTE: Marcos?

BONG REVILLA: Hindi! Si Bong, Bong Revilla!

DUTERTE: Sorry, choppy ka, choppy. Text ka ulit.

Denied II
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba mananalo ako sa kaso pag-upo mo?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong! Bong Revilla.

DUTERTE: Teka naman, isa-isa lang. Kapapanalo lang ng Marcos burial eh. Baka mahalata.

BONG REVILLA: So pa’no? Ganun na lang ‘yun?! Matapos ka naming papanalunin sa Cavite, kakalimutan mo na ako? Matapos kang mangakong lalaya ako bago mag-Pasko, iiwan mo ako? Matapos akong umasang madi-dismiss ang kaso, ganyan ang sasabihin mo?!?

DUTERTE: Manahimik ka tangna mu! Ako ba ang nagbulsa ng 200 million? Ako ba ang kakuntsaba ni Janet Napoles? Ako ba ang nakinabang sa pork barrel?


DUTERTE: Sorry naman! Nagtatanong lang. Hindi ako nagbibintang.
“Tyranny seldom announces itself…In fact, a tyranny may exist without an individual tyrant. A whole government, even a democratically elected one, may be tyrannical.”
~Joseph Sobran

Sound Bites
“This is not the time for fear. It is a time for conviction. It is a time for courage.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Fight on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
12/12/2016 6:25:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
AFTER several hearings on the reported extrajudicial killings, a joint Senate committee report concluded (that) the non-stop slaughter of drug suspects (almost 6,000 deaths to date) were NOT state-sponsored. Apparently, the senators prefer a more specific term: Duterte-encouraged.

Death Penalty
Voting 12-6, the House justice committee approved the proposed bill seeking to restore the death penalty –- to the surprise of many Filipinos who asked, “Wala pang death penalty?!? ‘YUNG LAGAY NA ‘YAN, WALA PA PALANG DEATH PENALTY?!?” #AllCapsParaIntense

Human Rights
Last Saturday, December 10 was International Human Rights Day. Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Ana Marie Banaag said Malacañang was one with the international community in celebrating Human Rights Day. That was the latest joke from the palace.

An NBI probe concluded that Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa was murdered by the CIDG led by CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, a suspected drug coddler. Despite the findings, President Duterte said he would not let Marcos and his men go to jail. Even Duterte fanatics were like, “’Tang ina! Ano ba talaga?!”

CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, who is reportedly involved in criminal activities, traces his roots to the family of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. You know the idiom, ‘it runs in the family.’

No Intention
Vice President Leni Robredo says she has not read and has no intention to read the Facebook blog of starlet Mocha Uson who has consistently spread malicious and baseless information against her. That’s understandable though because there are certainly better things to do than reading Mocha Uson’s blog. For example, anything.

The Vice President has recently denied malicious rumors that she is pregnant. Some of her supporters believe it’s Mocha Uson who’s probably pregnant because Uson reportedly wakes up in the middle of the night craving… attention.

No Intention II
According to Vice President Leni Robredo, she has not read the blog of starlet Mocha Uson and has no intention to read it. Or as Mocha Uson would say on Facebook, “Vice President Leni Robredo, naglilihi, galit na galit sa blog ko.”

Reports say the number of jobless Filipinos has dropped in the third quarter of the year. In totally unrelated news, online trolls thanked the government for giving them a job.

Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news. You’ll be jobless soon government trolls!

Miss U
Miss Universe 2017, which will be held on January 30 next year, has been officially launched in Manila. You can see the excitement on their faces: Pia Wurtzbach, the candidates, and Chavit Singson.

Tourism undersecretary Kat De Castro is very visible these days. She’s the pageant’s biggest supporter.
“Never be content to sit back and watch as others' rights are trampled upon. Your rights could be next.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Tingin ko kailangan mo lang ng trolls kung kailangan mong humanap ng kakampi. But because marami namang like-minded and pareho nating pakiramdam sa mga bagay, tingin ko hindi natin kailangan sumama sa bandwagon.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Ignore them.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
12/26/2016 10:38:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
HERE’S your complete guide to HMMMPFF 2016.

Synopsis: Si Sassha Sutsot ay isang parlorista na huminto sa paggamit ng droga nang maging presidente si Rodrigo Duterte. Isang araw, habang mini-makeup-an ang sarili, ni-raid ng mga nagpakilalang pulis ang kanyang parlor. Sa sobrang gulat at takot, nahawakan ni Sassha ang isang nail cutter. Nang makita ng mga pulis ang nail cutter, sumigaw ang mga ito: Sige bakla, manlaban ka! Manlaban ka nang makita mo ang hinahanap mo!

Manlalaban kaya si Sassha Sutsot? Bubuhayin kaya siya ng mga pulis? Sakto na ba ang kanyang make-up? Mamamatay kaya siyang maganda? Kung may anak o kapatid kang lalaki, ano ang mas nanaisin mong mangyari sa kanya: maging bakla o maging adik?

Synopsis: Very popular sa kanilang school si Kath kaya’t hinikayat siyang tumakbong presidente ng student council. Tatakbo namang vice president si James at gusto nitong maging runningmate ni Kath kaya’t kinulit niya ito. Pinuntahan pa nga niya ito sa kanilang bahay. Dahil sa pamimilit ni James, pumayag rin si Kath. Ngunit nang kampanya na, ilang beses nag-joke si Kath na baka ang manalong vice president ay hindi ang kanyang running mate kundi ang ubod nang yamang si Vince, ang mahigpit na kaaway ni James.

Pagdating ng eleksyon, nanalo si Kath. Talo pareho sina Vince at James. Pero si James, hindi tumigil ng kasisipsip at kasusunod kay Kath dahil umaasa ito ng endorsement mula sa dalaga sa susunod na eleksyon. Si Vince naman, hindi matanggap ang pagkatalo for vice president at nag-file ng protesta.

Hanggang kailan magiging tuta ni Kath si James? Siya kaya ang sunod na iendorso ng dalaga? Bakit ayaw pang tanggapin ni Vince ang pagkatalo? Dahil ba marami silang pera at kaya nitong gastusan ang manual recount of votes? Totoo kaya ang tsismis na meron nang teenage son si Vince sa London at itinatago niya ito dahil ubod nang bobo ang binatilyo? Sandro kaya ang name ng anak ni Vince? Malamang. Bakit sinagot ko ang aking tanong? Ang bobo.

Synopsis: Naninirahang mag-isa sa kanyang mansion ang hacienderong si Benito. May kanya-kanya na kasing pamilya ang kanyang mga kapatid at siya na lamang ang naiwang walang asawa.

Umaga, tanghali, gabi… mag-isa siyang kumakain habang nakaupo sa kabisera ng mahabang mesa sa maluwang na kusina ng mala-palasyong tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng yaman, malungkot si Benito. Hindi ito ang inasam niyang buhay. Ayaw niyang mamatay na nag-iisa.

Oras na ba para muling humanap ng babaeng mamahalin si Benito? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Bakit ba tila mailap ang pag-ibig sa kanya? Dahil ba lagi siyang may ubo at plema? Kailan niya ititigil ang paninigarilyo?

Synopsis: Sally Lim ang kanyang tunay na pangalan, a suspected drug lord. Nang makasama sa listahan ng high-profile drug targets, sumuko si Sally sa mayor ng kanilang siyudad. Galit sa droga ang kanilang mayor at binantaang papatayin si Sally kapag nagkita sila. Ngunit sa ‘di inaasahang pangyayari, natameme ang mayor nang makaharap si Sally. Nagpakita kasi ng maraming pictures si Sally kung saan kasama niya sa iba’t ibang okasyon si Mayor: may kasal, binyag, libing, tuli, Miss Gay pageant at Mr. Bikini Superhotbodies. Nang makita ang mga litrato, nagbago ng isip si Mayor. Sa halip na patayin, pinatakas nito si Sally.

Nasaan na si Sally Lim? Bumalik pa kaya siya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ganun siya ka-close kay Mayor? Totoo bang may kinikilingan, may pinuprotekahan at may kasinungalingan si Mayor? Bakit ba tanong pa tayo nang tanong eh alam naman natin ang sagot?

Synopsis: Modernong babae si Mookah. Ginagamit nito ang kanyang katawan para kumita. Ngunit nabago ang takbo ng kanyang buhay nang manalong congressman ang isang dati niyang kliyente. Pinahinto siya nito sa paghuhubad. Dahil malakas ang hatak sa publiko lalo na sa mga kalalakihan, ginawa siyang PR consultant ng kongresista. Siya rin ang in-charge sa paninira sa mga kalaban ng pulitiko gamit ang kanyang sikat na blog sa Facebook, ang Mookah Mo Uupuan Ko.

Recently, na-appoint siyang Ambassadress for Hadhad, Buni, and Alipunga Prevention na ikinataas ng kilay ng mga dermatologists. Wala raw kasi itong sapat na background sa trabaho. Deadma si Mookah sa mga kritiko.

Ano ang susunod na puwestong ibibigay kay Mookah? Special envoy for garbage collection? Presidential adviser for TODA concerns? Commissioner for live webcam shows? ANO PA?!? ANO!!!??? Also, bakit ganito ang title ng movie? Sunday Beauty Queen pero walang kunek sa synopsis? Bakit parang nanloloko? Si Mookah rin ba ang may pakana ng misinformation na ito?

Synopsis: Sina Leni at Patricia ay mga bagong salta sa bayan ng San Isidro. Volunteer social workers ang dalawa at tumutulong sa mahihirap na residente. Isang araw, naka-receive sila ng text message mula sa kapitan:

Madam Leni and Madam Patricia,
Sabi ni Kap, tigilan n’yo na raw ang ginagawa n’yo. Feelingera raw kayong dalawa. Feeling n’yo raw kayo lang ang magaling. Feeling n’yo raw walang ginagawang mabuti si Kap. Kaya mabuti pa, lumayas na kayo. Or else, ipatatapon kayo ni Kap sa isang secluded na lugar!

Walang nagawa si Leni. Umalis siya sa nasabing bayan at ipinagpatuloy ang gawain sa ibang lugar. Ngunit naiwan si Patricia at pinanindigang walang sinumang makapipigil sa kanyang trabaho.

Ano ang gagawin ni Mayor upang mapalayas sa kanilang lugar si Patricia? Sisiraan din kaya nila ito katulad ng ginawa nila kay Leni? Bakit pilit na pilit ang title ng pelikulang ito? At bakit pilit na pilit din ang synopsis? Ganun ba talaga kahirap magpatawa?

Synopsis: Tatlong buwan nang nakaburol ang pinatalsik sa puwestong si Gov. Fernando Narcos. Nangangamoy na nga ang bangkay ng matanda dahil hindi pala ito binalsamo bilang pagsunod sa kanyang huling hiling. Hindi mailibing si Narcos sa pinakamalapit na sementeryo dahil sa pagtutol ng taumbayan. Noong nasa puwesto pa kasi ang gobernador, ibinulsa nito ang milyun-milyong pisong kinita ng kapitolyo mula sa mga minahan ng ginto sa kanilang lalawigan.

Nag-demand ang mga residente na ibalik ng pamilya Narcos ang kanilang ninakaw. Ngunit dahil ubod nang kapal ang mukha ng biyuda at mga anak ng gobernador, deadma sila sa panawagan ng taumbayan.

Isang araw, nagulat na lang ang publiko nang mabalitaang palihim na inililibing ang pumanaw na gobernador. Sumugod sila sa sementeryo upang magprotesta. Naabutan nila doon ang buong pamilya Narcos. Nagkaroon ng sigawan, sumbatan at murahan. Sa gitna ng kaguluhan, nagsalita ang panganay na anak ng gobernador, si Noemi at nagbantang tutusukin ng kanyang matulis na baba ang sinumang pipigil sa libing ng kanyang ama. Ngunit hindi nagpasindak ang taumbayan.

Saan hahantong ang komprontasyon? Ituloy kaya ni Noemi ang kanyang banta? Bakit namamaga ang mukha ng kapatid na lalaki ni Noemi na si Gonggong? Totoo kayang umiinom ng formalin tablets ang kanilang inang si Esmeralda kaya’t hindi mamatay-matay? Baka nga.

Synopsis: Matapang na babae si Leila. Kinalaban niya ang isang mayor na sangkot sa sunud-sunod na patayan sa kanilang bayan. Dahil dito, napag-initan ng mga tauhan ni Mayor si Leila. Inakusahan nila ito ng drug trafficking, pornography, adultery, acts of lasciviousness, indecent exposure, prostitution, at sexting with a married subordinate. Dahil ‘di pa rin matinag-tinag si Leila, dinukot ito ng mga tauhan ni Mayor at inihulog sa isang septic tank.

Makaahon pa kaya si Leila mula sa pagkakalubog? Humihinga kaya siya habang lumalangoy sa dumi ng tao? Paano kung malunok niya ito? Ngayong ubod na siya nang baho, makahanap pa kaya siya ng lalaking magmamahal sa kanya? Bakit si Leila may love life, ikaw wala? Hindi ka ba nai-insecure?

Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Panoorin ang lahat ng entries. Maraming salamat po!
“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.”
~Jessamyn West

From Mocha Uson, MMFF 2016 Ambassadress (Whatever that means)


I can’t even.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
  Top   |  Bottom

Leo Beligan
12/31/2016 7:30:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
2016 IS OVER. 'Buti naman. Ang dami kasing nangyari. Nakakapagod. Kay Mocha Uson pa lang, mapapamura ka na. Anyway, narito ang listahan ng mga Winners at Losers ngayong 2016.

WINNER: President-elect Rodrigo Duterte. In 3-6 months, solved ang problema sa kriminalidad. Astig! Ikaw na talaga.

LOSER: President Rodrigo Duterte. Nagbanta. Nang-away. Nanghikayat pumatay. Umaming pumatay. Ginawang bayani ang diktador na patay. ‘Tang ina.

LOSER: Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre. The resident clown of the Duterte administration. Ayaw ko nang dagdagan. Sayang ang oras ko sa kanya.

LOSER: Sen. Leila De Lima’s public image. Perception trumps reality. Ikaw ba naman ang palibutan at bugbugin ng mga galamay ni Duterte sa Gabinete, Senado, Kamara, mainstream & social media, at sa kaaway mong sekta, paano mo pa ipagtatanggol ang imahe mo? Wala na. Suko na bes, may nanalo na.

WINNER: Sen. Leila De Lima. Prangkahan na. Wala naman talagang naglakas-loob lumaban sa psychopath ng palasyo kundi siya. Hindi LP. Hindi Akbayan. Hindi si Trillanes. Hindi ang Magnificent 7 ng Kamara. Si T’yang Leila lang talaga.

WINNER: Leni Robredo. The last man standing is a woman. Indeed!

LOSER: Bongbong Marcos. Kampanteng-kampante ang anak ng diktador na makababalik sila sa palasyo. Number 1 kasi ito sa VP survey hanggang Abril. Eh biglang nagising ang mga tao. O, loko. FYI: Hindi ka dinaya. Talo ka! Talo!

LOSER: The House of Representatives. Dahil sa kamanyakan ng mga kongresistang nagpiyesta sa sex life ng isang senadora. In a post-hearing interview, one congressman allegedly admitted, “Tinigasan ang aking mga kasama.”

LOSER: Palace interpreters. Kagulo lagi ang mga pucha. Every other day, may kanya-kanyang interpretation sa sinabi ni Duterte?!? Punyeta. Every week, nagmo-mochang tanga talaga.

WINNER: Drug lab raids. Great work! ‘Yan ang dapat tinututukan: the manufacturers of illegal drugs.

LOSER: State-encouraged extra-judicial killing. Sabi nga ng The New York Times: Even if Mr. Duterte has not directly ordered individual killings, there is no doubt they are being carried out with his approval.

LOSER: The poor. Sila lang naman ang kaya eh. Madaling i-raid. Madaling posasan. Madaling patayin. Madaling itapon. Eh bakit ‘yong pulitikong drug lord na kapatid ng isa ring kilalang pulitiko sa Southern Tagalog hindi hinuhuli? Ooops. Ayaw ko nang magsalita. Secret.

WINNER: General Bato De La Rosa. To be fair, masipag naman siya at marunong lumaro sa masa (beware!). Ang tsismis: inihahanda na ang BBM-Bato sa 2022. Naku, ayaw ‘yan ni Quietano!

WINNER: CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos. Ayon sa NBI, murder ang ginawa ni Marcos kay Mayor Espinosa pero kinampihan pa rin siya ni Duterte. Iba ka!

LOSER: Mga Ka-DDS. According to a CNN-Gallup Poll, Duterte fanatics are the most gullible people in the world followed by Donald Trump supporters in distant second. The same survey showed that 98.75 percent of Duterte fanatics believe everything that Mocha Uson posts on Facebook.

WINNER: Agot Isidro. Habang ‘yong ibang artista, na-infect na ng Duterte virus, nabigyan ng puwesto o kaya ay natakot magsalita, biglang sulpot ang mahusay na aktres. PSYCHOPATH ka Duterte, psychopath ka. Exactly our thoughts. Thanks Agot for being brave!

WINNER: Baste and Inday Sara Duterte. Nand’yan lang sila. Tahimik. Simpleng namumuhay. Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan. [Kay Paolo Duterte, no comment ako. Afraid!]

LOSER: Mocha Uson. The Queen of Deception. The Ambassadress of Disinformation. Dahil sa minu-minutong paninira sa mga kritiko ng kanyang Tatay Digong at pagpapakalat ng kasinungalingan, maling impormasyon, at black propaganda on or about everyone na hindi sang-ayon sa maling ginagawa ng pangulo. To quote Ms Agot Isidro, “Pa-relevant!”

LOSER: Ka-DDS and BBM Trolls na katulong ni Mocha Uson sa disinformation at pag-revise ng history. Ang sad ng life n’yo. Mali-mali naman ang grammar. Yuck.

WINNER: Ateneo & La Salle Communities for taking a stand against EJK during a UAAP game. Also, schools and universities who released statements denouncing EJK.

LOSER: Imee Marcos. “Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko noon?!” PAKYU.

WINNER: The Marcoses. Nailibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Salamat sa campaign promise ng tuta nilang si Duterte.

LOSER: The Marcoses. Maging ang kahuli-hulihang sandali ng diktador, nakaw pa rin. Kadiri.

LOSER: Alan Peter Cayetano. Talo na sa eleksyon, talo pa sa isyu ng paglilibing kay Marcos sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Anyareh? #Quietano

WINNER: Sen. Panfilo Lacson. Sa consistent na pag-expose sa milyun-milyong pisong pork barrel funds na pilit isinisingit sa budget ng mga corrupt na tao sa gobyerno.

LOSER: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay. May rumor na ipu-pull out na ng China ang kanilang ambassador sa Pilipinas. Nandiyan naman daw si Yasay. Makes sense.

LOSER: Manny Pacquiao. Once a bigot, always a bigot. Ang dami niyang cringe-worthy one-liners this year. Pero nanalo namang senador. Dahil diyan…

WINNER: Manny Pacquiao. Tagumpay sa kanyang “comeback” fight against Jesse Vargas. Nanalo rin bilang mambabatas. Dahil diyan…

LOSER: Filipino voters. ‘Tang ina. Ang daming mas qualified na kandidato, ‘yan ang ibinoto n’yo?! Fuck you.

WINNER: Noynoy Aquino. Natapos din sa wakas ang anim na taon niya bilang pangulo. Relieved ang lolo n’yo.

LOSER: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. The Big C won. Damn you cancer.

LOSER: Jejomar Binay. Malacañang na, naging city hall pa. Ang sakit.

WINNER: The Binays. Nabawi ang Makati City Hall na pansamantalang nawala sa kanila. Tuloy ang ligaya. #AlamNa

LOSER: Mar Roxas. Hindi talaga para sa ‘yo ang palasyo. Ang sakit ‘no?

WINNER: Mar Roxas. Nakabawi siya kay Binay nang mag-No. 2 siya sa eleksyon. Huwag nang choosy. Pwede na ‘yon.

LOSER: Grace Poe. Kasi naman. Nagmamadali eh.

LOSER: Bong Revilla: Hindi kinaya ng campaign promise ni Duterte. Tuloy ang plunder case sabi ng korte. Dahil d’yan…

WINNER: Taxpayers!

WINNER: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Lahat yata ng corruption cases, na-dismiss! Ang husay ng lawyer. Dahil d’yan…

LOSER: Taxpayers. #saklap

WINNER: CHEd Chair Patricia Licuanan. Maraming buwaya sa paligid. Kapit lang ma’am.

WINNER: Commission on Elections. For yet another honest, orderly, and peaceful automated elections.

LOSER: The people behind the Official Gazette. Pinapasusweldo ng taumbayan para baguhin ang kasaysayan. Kapal.

LOSER: This Manila Standard headline. So much for standards!

BIGGER LOSER: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Sa pagbibigay ng espasyo sa Duterte apologist na si Martin Andanar. Eeew.

BIGGEST LOSER: Philippine Star. Mocha Uson talaga? MOCHA FREAKIN USON as Op-Ed columnist? Until now, hindi pa rin natatahimik ang mga kaluluwa nina Betty Go-Belmonte at Max Soliven.

LOSER: Kris Aquino. Sino na nga siya?

LOSER: Sandro Marcos. Kailangan pa bang i-explain ‘to? Boo!Boo!

WINNER: The 2016 Metro Manila Film Festival. We saw 7 of 8 entries. #NuffSaid Eh 'yong ambassadress, nakailan ba?

LOSER: Filipinos. Almost 7,000 deaths. A people desensitized to murder. What have we become?


President and Self-Confessed Murderer
A foul-mouthed populist leader flirting with authoritarian fantasies
Umayos ka.

“The future depends on what you do today.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! May we all have a better and safer 2017!


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

professionalheckler | PMpSat, 31 Dec 2016 15:22:0
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Leo Beligan
1/10/2017 6:25:00 PM

by professionalheckler
MALACAÑANG dismissed as false columnist Kit Tatad’s report, quoting an unnamed source, that President Duterte went to China recently for cancer treatment. This is one instance when you don’t know who to believe anymore - because when it comes to ridiculousness and absurd claims, Tatad and Duterte are on the same level.

No To Tsismis
In Binalonan, Pangasinan, villages are strictly implementing a policy against gossiping or rumor-mongering. They officially call it the Anti-Mocha Uson Ordinance.

Villages in Binalonan, Pangasinan are strictly implementing an anti-chismis policy. Violators will be fined. You’ve been warned, Kit Tatad.

Vice President Leni Robredo has denied any links to a reported plot to oust President Duterte. Online, Duterte diehards and Bongbong Marcos trolls used a hashtag to create the impression that Robredo was part of a conspiracy to unseat the President. To be fair, the online campaign was successful in vilifying Robredo. No wonder, the year has only just begun but trolls are already talking about a hefty mid-year bonus.

EXCLUSIVE: A screen capture of the newest "leak" that started circulating Tuesday, January 10, 2017.


Maritess Allen, described in news reports as a ‘feng shui expert’ predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. In response, 2017 was like, “That was so last year.”

Described in news reports as a ‘feng shui’ expert, Maritess Allen predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. Allen also predicts February will have 28 days and Good Friday will be a non-working holiday.

Celeb Appointees
Sex blogger-turned-Duterte attack dog Mocha Uson and actor Cesar Montano took their oath before President Duterte in Malacañang on Monday. Uson and Montano are the latest celebrities who were given government posts for supporting Duterte in the last elections. Which begs the question, what reward awaits Vivian Velez and Elizabeth Oropesa?

Miss U
The Philippine National Police says there’s no direct threat to the upcoming Miss Universe pageant in the country. In other words, the beautiful candidates are not in danger. If you insist though, we can still talk about Chavit Singson some other time.

Golden Globes
The annual Golden Globe Awards took place Monday (Manila time) at the Beverly Hilton. Multi-awarded actress Meryl Streep received the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award. In her acceptance speech, Streep said, “Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence.” To which, Presidente Duterte replied, “Tang ina, inaano ba kita?”

When it comes to page visits to adult website PornHub, Filipinos are still No. 1 according to the latest data. When searching for women, 90 percent of Filipinos searched for ‘Maria Ozawa.’ The remaining 10 percent, believed to be congressmen, searched for ‘Leila De Lima.’

A furious Duterte and BBM troll who-must-not-be-named complained online that ABS-CBN News opted to report on Filipinos’ PornHub use but ignored Leni Robredo’s alleged involvement in a plot to oust Duterte. When asked why, ABS-CBN News answered: “Fact over fiction.”
“The suspicious mind conjures its own demons.”
~ Hanshiro Tsugomu

Sound Bites
“He is the secretary of DOJ, he should not tell lies. We didn’t talk, we didn’t meet in the US when I went there.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo on Vitaliano Aguirre’s baseless allegation she met with Fil-Am LP supporter Loida Nicolas-Lewis recently

The ‘conspiracy’ to oust Duterte
By Prof. Randy David
“If the people around the President are either too intimidated or too much in awe to tell him of his shortcomings, then they are creating a narcissistic ruler who will not be able to free himself from the self-referential world he has constructed.”

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
1/18/2017 7:42:00 PM
MANNY PACQUIAO defended his pro-death penalty stance by saying, “Even Jesus Christ nga nasentensyahan ng kamatayan dahil government talaga ang nag-impose ng kamatayan.” The statement has prompted surgeons all over the world to conclude that boxing is extremely dangerous to your mental health.

According to Manny Pacquiao, God gave our government the “right” to impose the death penalty.” Dear Manny Pacquiao, we don’t need a death penalty law. Every time you open your mouth on issues, we die.

The Philippine government has ordered Internet Service Providers to block public access to adult web sites. But Malacañang says those who are into the obscene and the vulgar may still watch the replay of last year’s Congressional hearing on Sen. Leila De Lima’s sex life.

The National Telecommunications Office confirms it has ordered all ISPs to block public access to porn sites. In totally unrelated news, President Duterte’s approval rating among males has dropped to an all-time low.

Zubiri vs. Trillanes
A heated exchange erupted between Miguel Zubiri and Antonio Trillanes on Tuesday at the Senate (See video). Trillanes said Zubiri cheated in the 2007 elections. Zubiri said Trillanes was charged with rebellion and treason. The two lawmakers almost came to blows but other senators intervened except for Manny Pacquiao who said, “Kung sina Cain at Abel nga na magkapatid, pinayagan ni God na mag-away, senador pa kaya?”

In case you missed it… Zubiri vs. Trillanes:
Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war.

Zubiri: If you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight.

Trillanes: This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Umabot talaga dun?!? Literal na fight?!?


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing. If you want to fight, tell me how you want to fight.

Trillanes: Kasasabi mo lang na ‘arnis’ ‘tapos ngayon ‘tell me how you want to fight.’ Labo mo huh!


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: Mabait akong tao and people know me. I am one of the most amiable senators of this chamber. But if you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight. I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Ano ‘to slam book?!? Merong describe yourself?!? May sports and hobbies?!?


Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nandaya ka noong 2007?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng rebellion!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nag-resign ka nga noong 2011 dahil nabistong nandaya?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng treason!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nga nachismis ka pang bakla noon?

Zubiri: Stick tayo sa isyu ng eleksyon. ‘Wag kang ano d’yan!

A day after journalists quoted President Duterte as saying no one could stop him from declaring martial law “if I wanted to,” his communications chief, Martin Andanar blamed the media for ‘misreporting’ the statement. He also described the news reports as “the height of journalistic irresponsibility.” Even President Duterte was like, “OA na ang kasipsipan huh!”

Martin Andanar blamed the media for “misreporting” President Duterte’s latest remark on martial law. Andanar said the headlines “sow confusion to many.” Apparently, he hates competition. ‘Coz, you know, when it comes to sowing confusion, they’re the experts.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes has urged the Senate committee on public information to investigate the so-called social media trolls amid the proliferation of fake news and false information online. Martin Andanar is on top of the list of invitees.

After doing a review on social media, the Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility said there’s an “all too tight” connection between the alleged plot to oust the President and the president’s own communication team. Which, is not surprising since the members of the president’s own communication team includes Martin Andanar, Mocha Uson, Sass Sassot and Duterte’s cybertrolls.

Miss U
Pre-pageant activities for this year’s Miss Universe contest are underway. The candidates have been travelling all over the country. Everyone is having a good time… except for Chavit Singson who is having a great time.
“In a society run by terror, no statements whatsoever can be taken seriously. They are all forced, and it is the duty of every honest man to ignore them.”
~ Milan Kundera

Sound Bites
“You cannot falsely accuse the profession of misreporting by peddling brazenly outrageous lies.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines to Martin Andanar

Serves you right.

How to defend our democracy
#5. Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.
When the terrorist attack comes, remember that all authoritarians at all times either await or plan such events in order to consolidate power. Think of the Reichstag fire. The sudden disaster that requires the end of the balance of power, the end of opposition parties, and so on, is the oldest trick in the Hitlerian book. Don’t fall for it.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
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Leo Beligan
1/25/2017 8:00:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
ACCORDING TO Vitaliano Aguirre, the murder of a tokhang-for-ransom victim from South Korea was “only an isolated incident.” As compared to the killing of almost 7,000 Filipinos which was “government policy.”

The fake drug raid victim from South Korea was abducted in Angeles City and then murdered by policemen in Camp Crame near the official residence of PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa. To be fair, Bato was not in Camp Crame when the crime happened. He was in a movie premiere.

PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa complains media reports on tokhang-for-ransom make them look bad. Valid point. The media is inaccurate. They’re not bad. They’re evil.

PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa has rejected calls for him to resign following the kidnapping and murder of a tokhang-for-ransom victim in Camp Crame. “Gusto nila akong mag-resign? Sabihin n’yo kay Presidente, paalisin ako. Ano ba ang akala nila, nag-e-enjoy ako sa trabaho ko?!” an irate De La Rosa told a reporter by phone while watching Bryan Adams’s concert.

Vitaliano Aguirre theorized the tokhang-for-ransom issue could be part of a plot to destabilize the Duterte administration. He has ordered his men to find any connections between the South Korean victim and Sen. Leila De Lima.

New Victims
Latest reports say three South Koreans golfers have also been victimized by tokhang-for-ransom policemen. Or as Vitaliano Aguirre would say, “only three isolated incidents.”

The Board of Trustees of Kabayan partylist has removed Harry Roque as a member, and as partylist representative. Shortly after his removal, Roque said he would miss his colleagues, his staff, and the hearings on De Lima’s sex life.

Two Wives
President Duterte accused one of his critics from the Church, Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani of having two wives like him. A furious Bacani replied, “I wish!”

Miss U in Malacañang
Miss Universe candidates paid a courtesy call on President Duterte in Malacañang on Monday, January 23. Reading from a prepared speech, the unusually behaved Duterte told the candidates, "I wish this day will never end." To which the candidates said, “We’re glad it’s almost over.”

Social Media
According to the latest study, the Philippines is No. 1 in terms of time spent on social media. On the average, Filipinos spend four hours and 17 minutes per day on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. If you’re Mocha Uson, that’s 4 hours and 17 minutes of spreading disinformation on Leni Robredo.

Filipinos spend 4 hours and 17 minutes per day on social media. Or as it’s also called in offices, “the most unproductive time of the day.”
“Violence and cruelty were just a stupid person's way of making himself felt, because it was easier to use your hands to strike a blow then to use your brain to find a logical and just solution to a problem.”
~Anne Holm, 'I Am David'

Sound Bites
“Putang inang Bacani na ‘yan, dalawa pala ang asawa. Pareho ko. Parang mayor din ang buang. Tapos kung magsalita itong unggoy na ito, 'tang ina.”
~Rodrigo Duterte reacting to Bishop Bacani’s criticism of extrajudicial killing


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: South Korean victim/Aguirre:ABSCBN News; Bato De La Rosa: @jewelsinthesea; Miss Universe/Duterte: Philippine Star]

professionalheckler | PMpWed, 25 Jan 2017 19:14:14
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Leo Beligan
1/31/2017 8:28:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
MISS FRANCE, Iris Mittenaere is the new Miss Universe - with the candidate from Haiti finishing in second place. Reports say the vote was so close Miss Haiti has been advised to file a protest by Bongbong Marcos.

For the first time in Miss Universe history, a candidate from the Philippines used an interpreter. Apparently, Maxine Medina drew inspiration from the Duterte administration.

Despite making it to the Top 6, Maxine Medina was heavily-criticized for a not-so-impressive answer in the Q&A round. Online, the gorgeous Filipina has been called names: bobo, istupido, tanga, etc. Yes, she was called ‘bobo’ by the very same people who elected Manny Pacquiao to the Senate.

Maxine Medina was asked about the most significant change in the world in the last 10 years. Had she answered, “Mocha Uson,” she would have been given a standing ovation.

During the Q&A, Steve Harvey asked, “What is the most significant change you’ve seen in the world in the last 10 years?” The interpreter translated, “Ano ang pinakamakabuluhang naganap na pangyayaring nakita mo sa mundo sa loob ng sampung taon?” CHANGE = PANGYAYARI? The interpreter needed an interpreter.

“What is the most significant change you’ve seen in the world in the last 10 years?” Here’s how Malacañang people and some Ka-DDS would interpret or translate this question for Maxine Medina:

President Duterte: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa mundo mula nang ilunsad ko ang war on drugs sa Pilipinas?

Communications head Martin Andanar: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabagong nagawa ng ating mahal na Pangulong Duterte na ikaiiyak mo o ikahuhulog sa upuan?

Vitaliano Aguirre: Ano ang pinakamasamang pangyayari sa mundo na puwede nating isisi kay Senator Leila De Lima?

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa bansa mula nang maluklok kami sa puwesto? Gamitin ang iyong malikhaing imahinasyon.

Mocha Uson: Ano ang pinakamalaking ambag ni Leni Robredo sa mundo maliban sa magpaunlak ng panayam at magpakuha ng litrato?

Sass Sasot: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa mundo maliban sa aking ano?

Official Gazette: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa Pilipinas sa unang sampung taon ng masigasig na pamumuno ng mahal na Pangulong Marcos noong Dekada ’70?

Alan Peter Cayetano:

General Bato De La Rosa: Ano ang pinakamalaking pangyayari sa mundo na maaari kong puntahan sakaling ako ay imbitahan?

Official Statement
In a statement, palace spokesman Ernesto Abella congratulated Maxine Medina “for working very hard and giving her best in a competition that promotes goodwill and friendship among nations.” Thanking the candidates, Abella invited them to return, bring more friends, and “explore the various islands of the Philippines, ready to be astonished of the unexhausted beauty of each one and willing to be moved in every way by the fervent spirit of the Filipino people and so we say, Mabuhay!” After reading Abella’s statement, the Miss Universe Organization declared him the 3rd Runner-Up.

Final Question
In the final Q&A, the Top 3 finalists, Colombia, France and Haiti were asked the same question: Name something, over the course of your life that you failed at and tell us what you learned from that experience. And Senator De Lima was like, “Ang dali naman.”

In Other News...
President Duterte announced Monday, he would extend his war on drugs until 2022. As expected, he wasn’t able to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. If you would recall, this was his campaign promise last year. This was also his answer to the final question in the Miss Universe pageant.

Record Low
According to the Social Weather Stations, the number of Filipinos who said they were victims of common crimes has dropped to a record low. While Filipinos who said they were victims of government-sponsored crimes has soared to a record high.
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

Sound Bites
"You policemen are the most corrupt. You are corrupt to the core. It's in your system."
~President Duterte

“As soon as I started to love who I was rather than always trying to fit what I thought society wanted me to be, I gained a whole new side of life. This is the side I am trying to bring to the Miss Universe competition. The side of life that is so rare to find: self-worth and self-love. We always focus on the things we wish we could change rather than loving everything we are.”
~Miss Universe Canada Siera Bearchell on her weight


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Miss]

professionalheckler | PMpTue, 31 Jan 2017 16:07:33 +000007Tuesday 18
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Leo Beligan
2/5/2017 11:53:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler
by professionalheckler
PNP CHIEF Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is not going anywhere. Last week, the President declined Bato’s offer to resign (for the second time) following the murder of a South Korean businessman outside his official residence in Camp Crame. With the President’s backing no less, Bato is looking forward to more ‘tokhang’ operations, more drug raids, and more concerts.

Dress Down/Push-up
Seven Pampanga cops who were allegedly involved in the robbery-extortion of Korean nationals got a tongue-lashing from PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. On that day, Bato was in a different element. He was incensed. He was yelling. He was cursing. There were cameras everywhere. He was also on cue.

After scolding the seven cops and making them do stationary push-ups, a fuming PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa told police officials, “Dapat hindi nangyari ‘yan kung hindi kayo nagpabaya sa tao n’yo. Napapahiya na tayo sa mga Koreano!” To which, Filipinos said, “Sa amin, hindi?!?”

In case you didn’t see the video, here’s the transcript of Bato’s outburst.

Bato & the Police Officials
Bato: Pinabayaan n’yo ang mga tauhan n’yo! Nasaan kayo nang mang-extort sila? Nasaan?!?

Police Official: Definitely, wala sa concert Sir.


Police Official: Sinagot ko lang Sir ang tanong n’yo.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops
Bato: ‘Tang ina n’yo! Ang lakas ng loob n’yong manghablot ng Koreano.

Cop (murmurs): Kasi sabi ni Presidente, gawin naming lahat, protektado n’ya kami.

Bato: Pakiulit nga ang sinabi mo.

Cop: May sinabi ba ako Sir? Wala huh. Nananahimik ako.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops II
Bato: Sige, mag-push-up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo ang pangalan ng PNP. Nagpulis kayo para magsindikato?! Nagpulis kayo para

Cop: Sir, sandali.

Bato: Patapusin mo ako. ‘Tang ina! Nagpulis kayo para mapahiya ang ating uniform?!?

Cop: Eh Sir…

Bato: Hindi pa ako tapos! Gusto ko kayong i-firing squad! 'Tang ina n’yo! (pause) O, may sinasabi ka?

Cop: 'Yun na nga Sir! Wala pa ‘yong mga camera, wala pang media.

Bato: 'Tang ina. Ba’t di mo agad sinabi?! Sige, uulitin ko na lang! Push up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n'yo...
Vitaliano Aguirre apologized to Senators Kiko Pangilinan, Leila De Lima and Antonio Trillanes for accusing them of using the Jack Lam-Bureau of Immigration bribery scandal to pin him down. Aguirre admitted the information he gathered about the three senators was “hearsay.” Among many of his other statements.

Hearsay II
Quoting a Senior Police Officer 1 who spoke on condition of anonymity, Amnesty International (a worldwide human rights organization and Nobel Peace Prize Awardee) reported that cops were being paid from P8,000 to P15,000 per kill in Duterte’s war on drugs. Duterte’s ally Richard Gordon said it was “hearsay.” Apparently, Gordon forgot the report came from Amnesty International; NOT from Vitaliano Aguirre.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Del Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo saying there’s “competition within the Korean community.” And the Korean community was like, “Bes, may nahuli na. Palusot pa talaga?!?”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Jee Ick Joo. He can’t wait to scold the members of the mafia in front of TV cameras while making them do stationary push-ups.

Three policemen and four others who allegedly abducted and murdered Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo have been detained and charged. The other day though, General Bato said they’re looking into the involvement of “a Korean mafia.” Now, THAT’S hearsay.

"Lost Cause"
Vice President Leni Robredo says she’s got no time for trolls because they’re “a lost cause who have already made a judgment.” When Mocha Uson heard this, she said, “Mga Ka-DDS, ‘kita n’yo na ang katamaran ng bise presidenteng ‘yan? Sasagot lang sa trolls hindi pa magawa?!”
President Duterte scolded his youngest son, Baste for spending more time with starlet Ellen Adarna. It turned out Baste has another partner, model Kate Necesario, the mother of his son. The President told Baste, “Hindi ka na umuuwi, lagi kang naroon sa iba mong babae!” Duterte first heard those very same words from Elizabeth Zimmerman 20 years ago.
“Corrupt and incompetent police officers have a long history of being protected by their colleagues, police internal affairs and the government.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Acting on instructions from the very top of government, the Philippines police have killed and paid others to kill thousands of alleged drug offenders in a wave of extrajudicial executions that may amount to crimes against humanity.”
~Amnesty International on Duterte's war on drugs

Why are we not surprised?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: PNP PIO; Vitaliano Aguirre: ABSCBN News; Baste Duterte and Ellen Adarna: Brandphoria on IG]

professionalheckler | AMpSun, 05 Feb 2017 11:51:57 +000051Sunday 18, 2007 at 7:02 p02 | Tags: amnesty international vs. duterte war on drugs, baste duterte vs president duterte, bato de la rosa police robbery-extortion koreans, general bato pushups koreans, leni robredo vs. trolls, pampanga cops korean robbery-extortion, political humor philippine politics, professional heckler, vitaliano aguirre hearsay | Categories: Hodgepodge | URL:

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Leo Beligan
2/12/2017 6:04:00 AM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler

This is a message from the government of the Republic of the Philippines.

Dear Mr. President,

Welcome to this introduction video about the Philippines - the greatest country in the whole world… the universe rather. It's true. It’s great. You’re gonna love it here.

Yes, the Europeans did it first but their videos are nothing compared to what we have prepared.

You must be wondering: where is the video? There is no video Mr. President. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Waley. You have to use your creative imagination. It’s challenging. It’s tough but it’s all worth it.

The Philippines is a small nation with a huge population: 103.18 million. The number of undocumented Filipinos in the United States is even larger than the population of Luxembourg or Iceland or Estonia. Take that Europe! It’s true. It’s that huge. But you already know that.

We were discovered by the Europeans in 1521. They saw us, they liked us, they owned us. Or as you would call it, “How Melania became Mrs. Trump.”

We are home to the most gorgeous women on the planet. That’s a fact. We have three Miss Universe winners, six Miss International titlists and a Miss World crown. They’re all lovely. They’re terrific. You can grab them by the tiaras.

There are two historical landmarks you’ll surely appreciate when you visit our country. There’s the tallest Virgin on EDSA and the Walled City of Manila.

Yes, we heard you plan to build a wall. That’s easy. We’ve done that several times in the metro. The walls were great. They were useful. We were able to hide the poor from the view of foreign visitors. Absolutely fantastic! No more slums. No more garbage.

Speaking of garbage, allow us to introduce you to the most popular woman in our country today, Mocha Uson. She’s wild. She’s pretty. You’ll enjoy her. She’ll grab you by the birdie. Mocha is President Duterte’s Kellyanne Conway of sorts. Conway originated the phrase “alternative facts.” Mocha creates her own ‘facts.’ Facts here, facts there, facts everywhere. She loves it. It’s exhausting. She’s gotten tired of spreading her legs, she’s now spreading half-truths online.

Mocha Uson invented the term ‘presstitute’ to discredit legitimate media organizations. Fantastic. Absolutely creative. 'Presstitute' is a portmanteau. We're certain she doesn't know what that means. Let's leave it at that. Our country doesn't tolerate idiot-shaming. But slut-shaming is another story. Our congressmen loved it. It's true. They totally enjoyed it.

Before Sean Spicer, there was Martin Andanar and Ernesto Abella. They attacked the media first. And second. They were the best interpreters ever - so much better than Miss France's or Miss Philippines's interpreter in the Miss Universe pageant.

Every single American president, so far, has had one or more pets living with him at the White House. You don’t have any pets. That makes our President Duterte better than you. He's got Cayetano.

Like you, we hate Mexicans – boxers to be specific. We punch them. We hit them. We beat them until they’re unrecognizable. Like this one. A total disaster.

But those Mexicans are still lucky. They make it out alive. We can’t say the same for South Koreans - especially those who are brought to Camp Crame.

We may have one of the slowest Internet services in the region but we have the best justice secretary and the fastest justice system in the world. Unbelievable but it’s true. Since July 2016, thousands of poor Filipinos have been executed without being tried or arrested. All of them. Instant death. It’s that fast. It’s crazy but it’s terrific. The people liked it.

You have Steve Bannon, we have Manny Pacquiao. Every time he opens his mouth, he quotes the Bible and the nation cringes. He hates gays and he supports the death penalty. Manny is the reason why the word ‘irony’ was invented.

Filipinos are a cultured people. We love the arts: plays, exhibits, music, movies. We are the best fans in the world and we have this pic to prove it.

The Philippines is the social media capital of the world. It’s crazy but it’s true. We can read your vicious and mostly inaccurate tweets Mr. President. Filipinos can relate. We have embraced the habit of posting and sharing fake news. We’re a bunch of gullible idiots – just like that ex-Colombian president who lectured our beloved Duterte on how to solve our drug problem.

We are a nation of heroes. Even one of the world’s biggest thieves of all time was buried as a hero. It’s true. It’s despicable but it’s true.

Filipinos are the strongest and the most fearless people on Earth. We survived the Spaniards. We survived the Americans. We survived the Japanese. We will definitely survive this government!

Mr. Trump, we totally understand it's going to be America First. But can we just say 'The Philippines Second?'

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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2/26/2017 1:09:00 PM
New post on The Professional Heckler

by professionalheckler
THOUGHT-PROVOKING 'facts' from Malacañang’s official online portal 'The Official Gazette:'

Among the Top 5 government officials, President Duterte is the poorest. Based on his 2016 SALN, he has a net worth of only 645 thousand pesos.

Martin Andanar is a three-time Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist who is widely respected for his honesty, credibility, and integrity.

Manny Pacquiao is an HIV testing advocate. He is also the biggest donor to Pasay City’s Home for the Golden Gays, a refuge for the aged members of the LGBT community.

Mocha Uson is a virgin.

Vitaliano Aguirre was a consistent “Most Honest Pupil” awardee from Kindergarten to Grade 6.

Sen. Leila De Lima is a huge fan of Pablo Escobar. She has a ‘Pablo Escobar’ tattoo on her left thigh.

Tito Sotto has an IQ of over 180. He is a member of Mensa.

Before Jesse Robredo died, he sought the annulment of his marriage with Leni Robredo citing “irreconcilable differences” and a third party - Noynoy Aquino.

The Duterte administration does not tolerate online trolling. It will soon launch a campaign against vicious trolls, fake news and self-proclaimed bloggers who spread malicious information on or about anyone including critics of the government.

PNP Director General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is an introvert, low-key person who shuns the limelight. He hates TV cameras and the media in general.

Alan Peter Cayetano has no plans of seeking a higher post in the future. He is supportive of President Duterte only because he truly loves this country. He will do everything for the Filipino people.

Imee Marcos was born in 1979, two years before Martial Law was lifted by his father. Her brother, Bongbong is still a millennial.

Sandro Marcos is a working student in London who pays for his own tuition, board and lodging. He is a responsible netizen who tweets with intellect, honesty and wisdom.

Imelda Marcos loves to travel. She has visited ALL of the world’s key cities except for one - Zurich. She hates Zurich.

Janet Lim-Napoles is a God-fearing, law-abiding woman who was falsely accused and wrongfully-convicted.

The pork barrel scam is a hoax perpetrated by the incompetent Aquino administration.

A joint probe recently conducted by the Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International found that the more than 7,000 deaths in the Philippines were not drug-related at all. It was a case of mass suicide attributed to climate change.

Before the Duterte administration took over, there were “three million addicts” in the Philippines. That number has significantly dropped to just 1,108 as of an hour ago.

South Korean businessman Jeck Ick Joo was assassinated by North Korean agents.

The Marcoses did not steal a single centavo from the Philippine government. Their multibillion peso bank deposits were donations from grateful Filipino taxpayers.

Official psychiatric records reveal Perfecto Yasay is a Sinophobe.

For 2017, Harry Roque is the recipient of the Most Gender-Sensitive Filipino Award from the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women.

Senate reporters each receive P10,000 for every ‘dilawan’ tweet and another P5,000 if that tweet is retweeted by their followers.

Martin Andanar is now the most-read Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist. His column has 16 million unique page views every minute.

Mocha Uson is now the most-read Philippine Star columnist and the most popular ‘political’ columnist in the solar system. As of February 25, her average daily unique page views is “infinite.”
“The point of modern propaganda isn't only to misinform or push an agenda. It is to exhaust your critical thinking, to annihilate truth.”
~Garry Kasparov

Sound Bites
“Unless Martin Andanar can present credible proof to back up his claims, he should zip his mouth or better yet, step down for gross abuse of his office and ignorance of his responsibilities.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines

“Hindi niya laging alam ang sinasabi niya.”
~Former President Fidel Ramos on Martin Andanar


Singer-songwriter Gary Granada comes out of retirement to write a song titled 'Normal' about the current situation in the Philippines. Read his biting yet moving composition here.
“Ang presidente na kriminal
Naging bayani na tinanghal
Ganyan na nga ba
OK ka lang ba
Na yan na ang bagong normal”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Martin Andanar: Inquirer.Net]

professionalheckler |
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